This is a mix of the songs that most inspire me to love, live consciously, and believe in the beauty of the human spirit. ♥ I had planned on burning and mailing them, but I ran out of money. So I'm offering it in download form; under the cut is the tracklist with parts of the lyrics, and in italics, what the song says to me. You can download individually or take the zipped file at the bottom. ;-)


( consciously beautiful )

This is a mix of the songs that most inspire me to love, live consciously, and believe in the beauty of the human spirit. ♥ I had planned on burning and mailing them, but I ran out of money. So I'm offering it in download form; under the cut is the tracklist with parts of the lyrics, and in italics, what the song says to me. You can download individually or take the zipped file at the bottom. ;-)


( consciously beautiful )

This is a mix of the songs that most inspire me to love, live consciously, and believe in the beauty of the human spirit. ♥ I had planned on burning and mailing them, but I ran out of money. So I'm offering it in download form; under the cut is the tracklist with parts of the lyrics, and in italics, what the song says to me. You can download individually or take the zipped file at the bottom. ;-)


( consciously beautiful )

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Pandora has reawakened my love for music! bluebl00d and acid_burns got it started by introducing me to all kinds of new music, but that wasn't a daily thing of course -- now I can discover new music anytime I want. It's awesome -- just enter a song or artist and it creates a station based on that music, not by genre but by actual SOUND, OMG it's thrilling! Just a few days ago I discovered Neulander, and fell so in love that I had to buy the music immediately (instead of hunting through used CD stores & ebay like usual).

I used to be utterly ADDICTED to music; I never left the house without my walkman, and the first thing I did when I walked into my bedroom was turn on the radio. I knew all the groups on the three stations I listened to; my list of favorites ran into 40s; I could wax rhapsodic on genre or group; I knew all these esoteric groups no one else had ever heard of; I saved up at age 13-14 to buy a stereo that was about $150 -- a hell of a lot of money for someone who made 5$ an hour babysitting occasionally. The greatest thrill in my life was hearing a powerful song by a group I hadn't heard of. Music was my passion, my life -- my mother and father and friend. When I was hurting I turned to God and music together -- I would put on music and talk to God. I would listen to a CD on random and ask God to speak to me through a song... so many times a line would catch my attention, one that I'd heard a million times but had new meaning to me in that moment.

When The Benjamin Gate broke up I lost interest in music. I loved that band SO much and they were SO much a part of my life. I saw them 6 times in concert, three times in Georgia, once flying to Pennsylvania, once driving to Tennessee, and for their final show I (and three others) drove 13 hours ONE WAY to Texas. They gave me so much hope... if they hadn't come out with a new CD when I was living with my aunt and uncle I don't think I could have stood that time. When they broke up I went into mourning, I think. I didn't want to love any band the way I loved them... They WERE music to me, so when I buried my feelings for them, I buried my passion for all of music.

Now that passion is reawakening, stirring to life within me. I am wildly yearning to go to a concert and hear someone play who can make my soul scream in agreement. (I am definitely going to that Mutemath concert -- can't wait!) I think it is beautifully appropriate that Adie has just released her solo album (though I haven't heard it, 'cept for the few songs on her myspace). She's moving on as I am.

this took FOREVER. but I love it! I added part of it to my userinfo and the whole thing to my myspace. Yes I have a myspace, I use it for collecting new music, don't judge me, you!

adored favorites:
(absolutely MUST have, desert island necessity, would perish without! all current loves, listened to constantly)





( other favored music -- lots of images but all tiny )

Comment and tell me what (if any, heh) music you share my love for!

Adrienne's solo album will be out September 28th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I can't wait to hear a single, I am so fucking excited you just wouldn't believe. She better still be rocking, I will be SO crushed if she has a mellower sound. She sing-screams like no one else -- way better than anyone else. *heroine-adoration*

Adrienne's solo album will be out September 28th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I can't wait to hear a single, I am so fucking excited you just wouldn't believe. She better still be rocking, I will be SO crushed if she has a mellower sound. She sing-screams like no one else -- way better than anyone else. *heroine-adoration*

Adrienne's solo album will be out September 28th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh I can't wait to hear a single, I am so fucking excited you just wouldn't believe. She better still be rocking, I will be SO crushed if she has a mellower sound. She sing-screams like no one else -- way better than anyone else. *heroine-adoration*

Last night I dreamt about Adrienne for the first time in a long, long time... I haven't even thought about her in so long. She's left the band, gotten married, had a baby and has another on the way right now... so much has changed... but O my God, she is working on an album, I am waiting with fearful anticipation. Please don't have changed your style, Adrienne. No one can sing-scream like you, no one can pour so much passion into words, so much LIFE into sound...

I dreamt that somehow I was at a Jeremy Camp concert (her husband) and I saw Adrienne just sitting off to the side by herself, so I went and sat next to her and asked how she had been doing. She smiled vaguely and said, "oh, fine," and I responded, "Well, if I may pry, really how have you been?" and she started just telling me all about her life. I listened, just because I felt like that was what she needed, and then when Jeremy had finished the concert and walked over I got up to leave. But he encouraged me to stay, asked me to come to dinner with them if I didn't have anything else planned. I think I agreed. All I can remember clearly is her face -- the raw openness in it, something I never saw when I met her the other times.

It was so odd because I wasn't intimidated by her, wasn't fascinated with her, wasn't even very excited -- I just responded to a need I saw.

Adrienne was the lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate (now broken up). I used to write her letters and (since TBG never got huge -- just when they started to get big they broke up) talk with her at concerts... She's an amazing person. I wanted to be friends with her, but understood that that would probably never happen, so I just gave without expecting anything in return... I made her a jewelry set and sent it to her (she loved it, she said). I never really got closure on that, and I think a part of me still wants to reach out to her, but I no longer have her address, and I feel somewhat embarrassed for giving so much (afraid that she thinks I'm some obsessed fangirl, you know). Maybe I will go to a Jeremy Camp concert... and you can bet your ass, when she gets her solo album out I'm buying it and if she tours I am SO going to see her. I actually miss her. I wonder what she's like now...

And every time I think about the last show, I get frustrated, because when she asked me to wait around after the show, I think I misunderstood how long she meant me to wait (she was surprised when I said I was leaving), and I could have had a real conversation with her, not a hurried/nervous one in front of others... but ugh I was so emotional, with TBG being OVER and having gotten so little sleep and all... I think that is my one regret. Most things I can appreciate what I learned from my mistake -- that one I feel like I just stupidly missed an incredible opportunity.

Last night I dreamt about Adrienne for the first time in a long, long time... I haven't even thought about her in so long. She's left the band, gotten married, had a baby and has another on the way right now... so much has changed... but O my God, she is working on an album, I am waiting with fearful anticipation. Please don't have changed your style, Adrienne. No one can sing-scream like you, no one can pour so much passion into words, so much LIFE into sound...

I dreamt that somehow I was at a Jeremy Camp concert (her husband) and I saw Adrienne just sitting off to the side by herself, so I went and sat next to her and asked how she had been doing. She smiled vaguely and said, "oh, fine," and I responded, "Well, if I may pry, really how have you been?" and she started just telling me all about her life. I listened, just because I felt like that was what she needed, and then when Jeremy had finished the concert and walked over I got up to leave. But he encouraged me to stay, asked me to come to dinner with them if I didn't have anything else planned. I think I agreed. All I can remember clearly is her face -- the raw openness in it, something I never saw when I met her the other times.

It was so odd because I wasn't intimidated by her, wasn't fascinated with her, wasn't even very excited -- I just responded to a need I saw.

Adrienne was the lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate (now broken up). I used to write her letters and (since TBG never got huge -- just when they started to get big they broke up) talk with her at concerts... She's an amazing person. I wanted to be friends with her, but understood that that would probably never happen, so I just gave without expecting anything in return... I made her a jewelry set and sent it to her (she loved it, she said). I never really got closure on that, and I think a part of me still wants to reach out to her, but I no longer have her address, and I feel somewhat embarrassed for giving so much (afraid that she thinks I'm some obsessed fangirl, you know). Maybe I will go to a Jeremy Camp concert... and you can bet your ass, when she gets her solo album out I'm buying it and if she tours I am SO going to see her. I actually miss her. I wonder what she's like now...

And every time I think about the last show, I get frustrated, because when she asked me to wait around after the show, I think I misunderstood how long she meant me to wait (she was surprised when I said I was leaving), and I could have had a real conversation with her, not a hurried/nervous one in front of others... but ugh I was so emotional, with TBG being OVER and having gotten so little sleep and all... I think that is my one regret. Most things I can appreciate what I learned from my mistake -- that one I feel like I just stupidly missed an incredible opportunity.

Last night I dreamt about Adrienne for the first time in a long, long time... I haven't even thought about her in so long. She's left the band, gotten married, had a baby and has another on the way right now... so much has changed... but O my God, she is working on an album, I am waiting with fearful anticipation. Please don't have changed your style, Adrienne. No one can sing-scream like you, no one can pour so much passion into words, so much LIFE into sound...

I dreamt that somehow I was at a Jeremy Camp concert (her husband) and I saw Adrienne just sitting off to the side by herself, so I went and sat next to her and asked how she had been doing. She smiled vaguely and said, "oh, fine," and I responded, "Well, if I may pry, really how have you been?" and she started just telling me all about her life. I listened, just because I felt like that was what she needed, and then when Jeremy had finished the concert and walked over I got up to leave. But he encouraged me to stay, asked me to come to dinner with them if I didn't have anything else planned. I think I agreed. All I can remember clearly is her face -- the raw openness in it, something I never saw when I met her the other times.

It was so odd because I wasn't intimidated by her, wasn't fascinated with her, wasn't even very excited -- I just responded to a need I saw.

Adrienne was the lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate (now broken up). I used to write her letters and (since TBG never got huge -- just when they started to get big they broke up) talk with her at concerts... She's an amazing person. I wanted to be friends with her, but understood that that would probably never happen, so I just gave without expecting anything in return... I made her a jewelry set and sent it to her (she loved it, she said). I never really got closure on that, and I think a part of me still wants to reach out to her, but I no longer have her address, and I feel somewhat embarrassed for giving so much (afraid that she thinks I'm some obsessed fangirl, you know). Maybe I will go to a Jeremy Camp concert... and you can bet your ass, when she gets her solo album out I'm buying it and if she tours I am SO going to see her. I actually miss her. I wonder what she's like now...

And every time I think about the last show, I get frustrated, because when she asked me to wait around after the show, I think I misunderstood how long she meant me to wait (she was surprised when I said I was leaving), and I could have had a real conversation with her, not a hurried/nervous one in front of others... but ugh I was so emotional, with TBG being OVER and having gotten so little sleep and all... I think that is my one regret. Most things I can appreciate what I learned from my mistake -- that one I feel like I just stupidly missed an incredible opportunity.

Ben and I were driving somewhere when I saw a bus with a very intricate painting of the Benjamin Gate's gasmask on one side. It was parked at a restaurant, so I got Ben to park so I could take a picture of it. As I got out of the car and walked over, I saw Adrienne standing near, so I asked her if I could take a picture of the bus. She said sure, so I did, noticing as I did so that the emblem had been hand-painted. I asked her if she had painted it and she said she had. When I oohed and ahhed over it, she invited to show me the inside, and I accepted. The inside was fitted out like a nice but very small bedroom and bathroom, with a large whirlpool tub, oddly enough. She was so excited to be able to show me her little world... and I wasn't, for once, tongue-tied around her. She seemed like she was lonely for female friends.

So I've started praying that God'll send her close girlfriends.

Ben and I were driving somewhere when I saw a bus with a very intricate painting of the Benjamin Gate's gasmask on one side. It was parked at a restaurant, so I got Ben to park so I could take a picture of it. As I got out of the car and walked over, I saw Adrienne standing near, so I asked her if I could take a picture of the bus. She said sure, so I did, noticing as I did so that the emblem had been hand-painted. I asked her if she had painted it and she said she had. When I oohed and ahhed over it, she invited to show me the inside, and I accepted. The inside was fitted out like a nice but very small bedroom and bathroom, with a large whirlpool tub, oddly enough. She was so excited to be able to show me her little world... and I wasn't, for once, tongue-tied around her. She seemed like she was lonely for female friends.

So I've started praying that God'll send her close girlfriends.

Ben and I were driving somewhere when I saw a bus with a very intricate painting of the Benjamin Gate's gasmask on one side. It was parked at a restaurant, so I got Ben to park so I could take a picture of it. As I got out of the car and walked over, I saw Adrienne standing near, so I asked her if I could take a picture of the bus. She said sure, so I did, noticing as I did so that the emblem had been hand-painted. I asked her if she had painted it and she said she had. When I oohed and ahhed over it, she invited to show me the inside, and I accepted. The inside was fitted out like a nice but very small bedroom and bathroom, with a large whirlpool tub, oddly enough. She was so excited to be able to show me her little world... and I wasn't, for once, tongue-tied around her. She seemed like she was lonely for female friends.

So I've started praying that God'll send her close girlfriends.

Dreamed that I went to California to see Adrienne, and she prophesied over me many cool things... and I would ask questions and she prophesied more... but then I woke up and FORGOT EVERY SINGLE BIT!!! Wah/GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

On another note, thanks jedibubbles and strongbadsshirt for rating my jewelry site.... And beware the rest of you 'cause I'll probably complain if you don't follow suit by clicking here and taking the poll.

Dreamed that I went to California to see Adrienne, and she prophesied over me many cool things... and I would ask questions and she prophesied more... but then I woke up and FORGOT EVERY SINGLE BIT!!! Wah/GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

On another note, thanks jedibubbles and strongbadsshirt for rating my jewelry site.... And beware the rest of you 'cause I'll probably complain if you don't follow suit by clicking here and taking the poll.

Dreamed that I went to Caifornia to see Adrienne, and she prophesied over me many cool things... and I would ask questions and she prophesied more... but then I woke up and FORGOT EVERY SINGLE BIT!!! Wah/GRRRRRRR!!!!!!

On another note, thanks jedibubbles and strongbadsshirt for rating my jewelry site.... And beware the rest of you 'cause I'll probably complain if you don't follow suit by clicking here and taking the poll.

took a nap this afternoon (I've been so exhausted) and I dreamed that Ben and I were looking for a couple to share a house with us, and we heard that Adrienne and Jeremy were about to move out of the house they were living in, and were looking for a place... so we went over to say that they could check out our place and see if they wanted to join us. But when I got to the door, Adrienne and this guy she shared the house with answered, and I got so nervous about being an intrusion that I would only talk to the other guy. So Ben took Adrienne to the car to talk while this other guy and I had a debate about Fantasy novels and whether or not Fantasy is of God. He wasn't antagonistic, just interested in my ideas, and it was interesting to talk to him, but I really wanted to talk to Adrienne. Yet I filled up every second of space with my words, and she is too nice to butt in, so I didn't say a word to her, nor her to me. (and I could tell she kinda wanted to talk to me.) Then I woke up.

Dreams like that make me so wistful. She never has written me back, and I haven't written her since the end of November... I'm not even sure if the address I have is still current... but I have been thinking about her more and more lately, so I might write her soon.

took a nap this afternoon (I've been so exhausted) and I dreamed that Ben and I were looking for a couple to share a house with us, and we heard that Adrienne and Jeremy were about to move out of the house they were living in, and were looking for a place... so we went over to say that they could check out our place and see if they wanted to join us. But when I got to the door, Adrienne and this guy she shared the house with answered, and I got so nervous about being an intrusion that I would only talk to the other guy. So Ben took Adrienne to the car to talk while this other guy and I had a debate about Fantasy novels and whether or not Fantasy is of God. He wasn't antagonistic, just interested in my ideas, and it was interesting to talk to him, but I really wanted to talk to Adrienne. Yet I filled up every second of space with my words, and she is too nice to butt in, so I didn't say a word to her, nor her to me. (and I could tell she kinda wanted to talk to me.) Then I woke up.

Dreams like that make me so wistful. She never has written me back, and I haven't written her since the end of November... I'm not even sure if the address I have is still current... but I have been thinking about her more and more lately, so I might write her soon.

took a nap this afternoon (I've been so exhausted) and I dreamed that Ben and I were looking for a couple to share a house with us, and we heard that Adrienne and Jeremy were about to move out of the house they were living in, and were looking for a place... so we went over to say that they could check out our place and see if they wanted to join us. But when I got to the door, Adrienne and this guy she shared the house with answered, and I got so nervous about being an intrusion that I would only talk to the other guy. So Ben took Adrienne to the car to talk while this other guy and I had a debate about Fantasy novels and whether or not Fantasy is of God. He wasn't antagonistic, just interested in my ideas, and it was interesting to talk to him, but I really wanted to talk to Adrienne. Yet I filled up every second of space with my words, and she is too nice to butt in, so I didn't say a word to her, nor her to me. (and I could tell she kinda wanted to talk to me.) Then I woke up.

Dreams like that make me so wistful. She never has written me back, and I haven't written her since the end of November... I'm not even sure if the address I have is still current... but I have been thinking about her more and more lately, so I might write her soon.

I don't know what to do about me. How do I be me comfortably when "me" is always misinterpreted by the world?

I had a talk with Ben tonight. (Can't ya tell?) About Adrienne AGAIN. Well, I had dreamed about her, so that's what brought it up... and he says she prob'ly thinks of me as a fanatic. Not someone who actually cares about her without knowing her -- because except to me that concept apparently doesn't exist in this world -- but some worshipful fan who wants to feel good off of having a somewhat famous person think about them. Oh gosh. And he suggested I write a short handwritten note to her, asking her how she's doing. I feel exceedingly awkward now about doing anything that way, because if she thinks of me as a fanatic, then good grief I don't wanna give her MORE cause to think so!

I wanted to bless her, and I didn't know how except to write and tell her I was praying for her and let her into my life, tell her about me. I've GOT to stop thinking that because it would bless me it will bless someone else.

--oh, the dream.--
Well, in the beginning I woke up on a stage, naked (cause I sleep that way) with a blanket. They had let the audience in early, so I had to pull off this awesome move that allowed me to get up without showing myself off to the audience. I was pretty pleased with myself about that.
Then I went to a "meet and greet" with a bunch of other women and Adrienne, who niether looked nor acted like I expected. Half the time I thought, "so she's not deep" and the other half of the time I thought she was posing to protect herself from the other women. They weren't all that nice, very nosy and picky toward her. I listened and watched Adrienne, didn't really say anything. And that was it. At least that's all I remember.

Ick. I can't stand the thought that Adrienne thinks I'm some fan who worships her and is demanding to be let into her life. How I wish I knew what she thought of me.

???????????and should I write her again???????????????

I don't know what to do about me. How do I be me comfortably when "me" is always misinterpreted by the world?

I had a talk with Ben tonight. (Can't ya tell?) About Adrienne AGAIN. Well, I had dreamed about her, so that's what brought it up... and he says she prob'ly thinks of me as a fanatic. Not someone who actually cares about her without knowing her -- because except to me that concept apparently doesn't exist in this world -- but some worshipful fan who wants to feel good off of having a somewhat famous person think about them. Oh gosh. And he suggested I write a short handwritten note to her, asking her how she's doing. I feel exceedingly awkward now about doing anything that way, because if she thinks of me as a fanatic, then good grief I don't wanna give her MORE cause to think so!

I wanted to bless her, and I didn't know how except to write and tell her I was praying for her and let her into my life, tell her about me. I've GOT to stop thinking that because it would bless me it will bless someone else.

--oh, the dream.--
Well, in the beginning I woke up on a stage, naked (cause I sleep that way) with a blanket. They had let the audience in early, so I had to pull off this awesome move that allowed me to get up without showing myself off to the audience. I was pretty pleased with myself about that.
Then I went to a "meet and greet" with a bunch of other women and Adrienne, who niether looked nor acted like I expected. Half the time I thought, "so she's not deep" and the other half of the time I thought she was posing to protect herself from the other women. They weren't all that nice, very nosy and picky toward her. I listened and watched Adrienne, didn't really say anything. And that was it. At least that's all I remember.

Ick. I can't stand the thought that Adrienne thinks I'm some fan who worships her and is demanding to be let into her life. How I wish I knew what she thought of me.

???????????and should I write her again???????????????

I don't know what to do about me. How do I be me comfortably when "me" is always misinterpreted by the world?

I had a talk with Ben tonight. (Can't ya tell?) About Adrienne AGAIN. Well, I had dreamed about her, so that's what brought it up... and he says she prob'ly thinks of me as a fanatic. Not someone who actually cares about her without knowing her -- because except to me that concept apparently doesn't exist in this world -- but some worshipful fan who wants to feel good off of having a somewhat famous person think about them. Oh gosh. And he suggested I write a short handwritten note to her, asking her how she's doing. I feel exceedingly awkward now about doing anything that way, because if she thinks of me as a fanatic, then good grief I don't wanna give her MORE cause to think so!

I wanted to bless her, and I didn't know how except to write and tell her I was praying for her and let her into my life, tell her about me. I've GOT to stop thinking that because it would bless me it will bless someone else.

--oh, the dream.--
Well, in the beginning I woke up on a stage, naked (cause I sleep that way) with a blanket. They had let the audience in early, so I had to pull off this awesome move that allowed me to get up without showing myself off to the audience. I was pretty pleased with myself about that.
Then I went to a "meet and greet" with a bunch of other women and Adrienne, who niether looked nor acted like I expected. Half the time I thought, "so she's not deep" and the other half of the time I thought she was posing to protect herself from the other women. They weren't all that nice, very nosy and picky toward her. I listened and watched Adrienne, didn't really say anything. And that was it. At least that's all I remember.

Ick. I can't stand the thought that Adrienne thinks I'm some fan who worships her and is demanding to be let into her life. How I wish I knew what she thought of me.

???????????and should I write her again???????????????

( mistaken for a pre-teen )

( dream: serving a princess by turning a castle to purple metal and making it impenetrable )

And the BENJAMIN GATE's last show. I'm so glad I got to go. Nimajn and Ben and Kristen agreed with me. (we had so much fun with the double names) Well, Nimajn drove us to Birmingham, where we crashed at otherBen's friend's house, and we got up at about 3:00 to head for Denison TX. We switched off driving and got there before the first band even played. (due in great part to Kristen's driving, the 100mph maniac) We killed time until the BenGate came on, and oh, it was so worth it. Kristen brought a vidcam and had my Nimajn film the show. We discovered a powerful talent in Nimajn! He did a phenomenal job. The only reason it will need editing is my arm kept getting in the way, and he didn't warn me.

Oh, the show was awesome. Adrienne was crying most of the time, but kept perfect control over her voice, and the band really rocked out. When they played "Need," I broke down and cried, which I didn't expect to do. ("Need" is my theme song, it encompasses all my struggles and desires from birth to now) But they picked it up again afterwards, and ended with jumpy songs. I'd have to say it was the most perfect set ever.

Afterwards, I was getting the band to sign stuff for Kristen Brownlow, my evil twin who didn't go with us, and Nick (the drummer) told me that he had a feeling they might see me there. I was flattered that he thought of me, since I never even talked to him before. I talked to Mac and Chris and of course Adrienne, but not Nick. So yeah. Afterward Kristen and I waited for the flood of "sign this" people around Adrienne to die down, and talked to her a little. She said she was surprised to see us and hugged us. I asked if she'd gotten my letters and she said she hadn't been home since the first 2 (which I sent together). So I told her she had 4 waiting. Kristen gave her her band's CD (She's in the band "Ruckus"). She told us she was gonna get food and if we wanted we could hang around and talk to her later. So we hung around, and eventually I talked to her (Kristen felt too awkward). I just congratulated her on her wedding and told her about mine, and she congratulated me on mine... I told her I was going to miss seeing them play and she said they were sad about it too... and I told her that when I asked God for verses for her He kept giving me "I'm going to restore you to your homeland" verses... and she asked me some question that I can't remember. There was more but I don't remember. Then I said something about leaving, which surprised her for some reason, and she hugged me bye.

As soon as I turned my back and started walking away, I started crying. Fortunately it was the silent kind. But it was intense, so intense it startled me. I wept, for loss of the band and also because I felt like I had given my heart to Adrienne and lost it. I had no idea just how much I loved her until right then. See, the God's curse/blessing that rules my life is my love. I am very careful in whom I give it to because I can't give it halfway and I can't take it back. Once I decided to love someone, I love them forever no matter what, with my whole heart. It is a powerful gift, but it can cause me so much pain when it isn't returned, or is returned in such a smaller measure. I love Adrienne like I love Del, Accaber, and ya-ya, which is crazy, since I scarcely know her soul at all. But I do know her spirit, and that's how I love her. I remember being sad like this when I felt like Rebecca only loved me a little, and I'm still sad that way over Paula, my spiritual mommy. I really want to be friends with Adrienne. Well. I'm not giving up on her and unless she tells me to quit writing her, I'm gonna keep doing it. I wish I knew what she thought of me. I do my best to not be a cloying fan... I pray I succeed.

OtherBen drove ALL the way back to B-ham after we left. We offered to drive occasionally but he just said that he was going to keep going until he couldn't, and then we could drive, and he ended up going the whole way. After we hit 24 hours of awakeness, Kristen and I started finding EVERYTHING funny. We named Ben's new Camry "Bensten Hooters" because our names were BEN and kriSTEN and we were parked in a gas station in front of a Hooters. Then we decided we were a band and our band name was Bensten Hooters, and Kristen started "making music" using the roar of air past the window as an instrument, and adding random words. Oh my freakin' g'nns, it was hilarious. And she decided that our hometown was "Canadia" and so we pronounced words like "aboot." For some reason, that in particular sent me off. I got hysterical with laughter every time she said "aboot." And she made a "song" called "Aboot God." (basically she occasionally said the word 'aboot' and the word 'God.') Even Nimajn picked up some of our giddiness, and THAT was worth seein', let me tell you.

Eventually we showed up at OtherBen's house, and Nimajn decided that he was up for driving home... so we did. Ridiculous but true. We were awake for... 36 hours before we got home.

( mistaken for a pre-teen )

( dream: serving a princess by turning a castle to purple metal and making it impenetrable )

And the BENJAMIN GATE's last show. I'm so glad I got to go. Nimajn and Ben and Kristen agreed with me. (we had so much fun with the double names) Well, Nimajn drove us to Birmingham, where we crashed at otherBen's friend's house, and we got up at about 3:00 to head for Denison TX. We switched off driving and got there before the first band even played. (due in great part to Kristen's driving, the 100mph maniac) We killed time until the BenGate came on, and oh, it was so worth it. Kristen brought a vidcam and had my Nimajn film the show. We discovered a powerful talent in Nimajn! He did a phenomenal job. The only reason it will need editing is my arm kept getting in the way, and he didn't warn me.

Oh, the show was awesome. Adrienne was crying most of the time, but kept perfect control over her voice, and the band really rocked out. When they played "Need," I broke down and cried, which I didn't expect to do. ("Need" is my theme song, it encompasses all my struggles and desires from birth to now) But they picked it up again afterwards, and ended with jumpy songs. I'd have to say it was the most perfect set ever.

Afterwards, I was getting the band to sign stuff for Kristen Brownlow, my evil twin who didn't go with us, and Nick (the drummer) told me that he had a feeling they might see me there. I was flattered that he thought of me, since I never even talked to him before. I talked to Mac and Chris and of course Adrienne, but not Nick. So yeah. Afterward Kristen and I waited for the flood of "sign this" people around Adrienne to die down, and talked to her a little. She said she was surprised to see us and hugged us. I asked if she'd gotten my letters and she said she hadn't been home since the first 2 (which I sent together). So I told her she had 4 waiting. Kristen gave her her band's CD (She's in the band "Ruckus"). She told us she was gonna get food and if we wanted we could hang around and talk to her later. So we hung around, and eventually I talked to her (Kristen felt too awkward). I just congratulated her on her wedding and told her about mine, and she congratulated me on mine... I told her I was going to miss seeing them play and she said they were sad about it too... and I told her that when I asked God for verses for her He kept giving me "I'm going to restore you to your homeland" verses... and she asked me some question that I can't remember. There was more but I don't remember. Then I said something about leaving, which surprised her for some reason, and she hugged me bye.

As soon as I turned my back and started walking away, I started crying. Fortunately it was the silent kind. But it was intense, so intense it startled me. I wept, for loss of the band and also because I felt like I had given my heart to Adrienne and lost it. I had no idea just how much I loved her until right then. See, the God's curse/blessing that rules my life is my love. I am very careful in whom I give it to because I can't give it halfway and I can't take it back. Once I decided to love someone, I love them forever no matter what, with my whole heart. It is a powerful gift, but it can cause me so much pain when it isn't returned, or is returned in such a smaller measure. I love Adrienne like I love Del, Accaber, and ya-ya, which is crazy, since I scarcely know her soul at all. But I do know her spirit, and that's how I love her. I remember being sad like this when I felt like Rebecca only loved me a little, and I'm still sad that way over Paula, my spiritual mommy. I really want to be friends with Adrienne. Well. I'm not giving up on her and unless she tells me to quit writing her, I'm gonna keep doing it. I wish I knew what she thought of me. I do my best to not be a cloying fan... I pray I succeed.

OtherBen drove ALL the way back to B-ham after we left. We offered to drive occasionally but he just said that he was going to keep going until he couldn't, and then we could drive, and he ended up going the whole way. After we hit 24 hours of awakeness, Kristen and I started finding EVERYTHING funny. We named Ben's new Camry "Bensten Hooters" because our names were BEN and kriSTEN and we were parked in a gas station in front of a Hooters. Then we decided we were a band and our band name was Bensten Hooters, and Kristen started "making music" using the roar of air past the window as an instrument, and adding random words. Oh my freakin' g'nns, it was hilarious. And she decided that our hometown was "Canadia" and so we pronounced words like "aboot." For some reason, that in particular sent me off. I got hysterical with laughter every time she said "aboot." And she made a "song" called "Aboot God." (basically she occasionally said the word 'aboot' and the word 'God.') Even Nimajn picked up some of our giddiness, and THAT was worth seein', let me tell you.

Eventually we showed up at OtherBen's house, and Nimajn decided that he was up for driving home... so we did. Ridiculous but true. We were awake for... 36 hours before we got home.

( mistaken for a pre-teen )

( dream: serving a princess by turning a castle to purple metal and making it impenetrable )

And the BENJAMIN GATE's last show. I'm so glad I got to go. Nimajn and Ben and Kristen agreed with me. (we had so much fun with the double names) Well, Nimajn drove us to Birmingham, where we crashed at otherBen's friend's house, and we got up at about 3:00 to head for Denison TX. We switched off driving and got there before the first band even played. (due in great part to Kristen's driving, the 100mph maniac) We killed time until the BenGate came on, and oh, it was so worth it. Kristen brought a vidcam and had my Nimajn film the show. We discovered a powerful talent in Nimajn! He did a phenomenal job. The only reason it will need editing is my arm kept getting in the way, and he didn't warn me.

Oh, the show was awesome. Adrienne was crying most of the time, but kept perfect control over her voice, and the band really rocked out. When they played "Need," I broke down and cried, which I didn't expect to do. ("Need" is my theme song, it encompasses all my struggles and desires from birth to now) But they picked it up again afterwards, and ended with jumpy songs. I'd have to say it was the most perfect set ever.

Afterwards, I was getting the band to sign stuff for Kristen Brownlow, my evil twin who didn't go with us, and Nick (the drummer) told me that he had a feeling they might see me there. I was flattered that he thought of me, since I never even talked to him before. I talked to Mac and Chris and of course Adrienne, but not Nick. So yeah. Afterward Kristen and I waited for the flood of "sign this" people around Adrienne to die down, and talked to her a little. She said she was surprised to see us and hugged us. I asked if she'd gotten my letters and she said she hadn't been home since the first 2 (which I sent together). So I told her she had 4 waiting. Kristen gave her her band's CD (She's in the band "Ruckus"). She told us she was gonna get food and if we wanted we could hang around and talk to her later. So we hung around, and eventually I talked to her (Kristen felt too awkward). I just congratulated her on her wedding and told her about mine, and she congratulated me on mine... I told her I was going to miss seeing them play and she said they were sad about it too... and I told her that when I asked God for verses for her He kept giving me "I'm going to restore you to your homeland" verses... and she asked me some question that I can't remember. There was more but I don't remember. Then I said something about leaving, which surprised her for some reason, and she hugged me bye.

As soon as I turned my back and started walking away, I started crying. Fortunately it was the silent kind. But it was intense, so intense it startled me. I wept, for loss of the band and also because I felt like I had given my heart to Adrienne and lost it. I had no idea just how much I loved her until right then. See, the God's curse/blessing that rules my life is my love. I am very careful in whom I give it to because I can't give it halfway and I can't take it back. Once I decided to love someone, I love them forever no matter what, with my whole heart. It is a powerful gift, but it can cause me so much pain when it isn't returned, or is returned in such a smaller measure. I love Adrienne like I love Del, Accaber, and ya-ya, which is crazy, since I scarcely know her soul at all. But I do know her spirit, and that's how I love her. I remember being sad like this when I felt like Rebecca only loved me a little, and I'm still sad that way over Paula, my spiritual mommy. I really want to be friends with Adrienne. Well. I'm not giving up on her and unless she tells me to quit writing her, I'm gonna keep doing it. I wish I knew what she thought of me. I do my best to not be a cloying fan... I pray I succeed.

OtherBen drove ALL the way back to B-ham after we left. We offered to drive occasionally but he just said that he was going to keep going until he couldn't, and then we could drive, and he ended up going the whole way. After we hit 24 hours of awakeness, Kristen and I started finding EVERYTHING funny. We named Ben's new Camry "Bensten Hooters" because our names were BEN and kriSTEN and we were parked in a gas station in front of a Hooters. Then we decided we were a band and our band name was Bensten Hooters, and Kristen started "making music" using the roar of air past the window as an instrument, and adding random words. Oh my freakin' g'nns, it was hilarious. And she decided that our hometown was "Canadia" and so we pronounced words like "aboot." For some reason, that in particular sent me off. I got hysterical with laughter every time she said "aboot." And she made a "song" called "Aboot God." (basically she occasionally said the word 'aboot' and the word 'God.') Even Nimajn picked up some of our giddiness, and THAT was worth seein', let me tell you.

Eventually we showed up at OtherBen's house, and Nimajn decided that he was up for driving home... so we did. Ridiculous but true. We were awake for... 36 hours before we got home.

.....because of all the freakin' cryin' I been doin' yestiddy and t'day. Omig'nss. La.

So anyway, I've been missing my God. I feel like there is some kind of wall between us, and in my subconscious somewhere I know what it is, but I cannot for the life of me bring it to consciousness. But He's been talking to me through Nimajn, who is finally comfortable with his gift. HALLELUJAH!!!! From God mainly I get "Soon" and "Wait" and "Stop trying so hard to please me, I love you the way you are and you can't make me love you more!" ...NONE of which help my impatience. Oh, the bane of my life. That I love. I really do love how I am impatient, though I think it would be better expressed as "eagerness." He says wonderful things about me too, telling me I am a valiant warrior and I have wings where others have only feet, and of course using my nickname, "Shimmer." He couldn't have found a word I'd love more, but then He's God, so duh.

It's official! I'm doing a truly Kristen truly weird and wild thing. Ben and I, plus another Ben and another Kristen, who "just happened" to be the ones on the BenGate forum who want to make the 14+ hour road trip, are going to Denison TX to see the Benjamin Gate at their last show! (that is so God, I'm pumped) And I am determined to be bold. I'm not letting Adrienne go back to South Africa without having an actual conversation with me. (I hope) We'll see. Heh, glad my 'rents don't know about this. The lectures'd last longer than the drive time (total of 28 hours).

I'm so mingled right now... happy about seeing the Benjamin Gate once more, sad that they are ending, nervous about my exam on Saturday, regretful about missing Breakthrough tonight, thankful that God has given Nimajn confidence in his gift, relieved that God insists I'm not selfish, and just confused. ;-)

.....because of all the freakin' cryin' I been doin' yestiddy and t'day. Omig'nss. La.

So anyway, I've been missing my God. I feel like there is some kind of wall between us, and in my subconscious somewhere I know what it is, but I cannot for the life of me bring it to consciousness. But He's been talking to me through Nimajn, who is finally comfortable with his gift. HALLELUJAH!!!! From God mainly I get "Soon" and "Wait" and "Stop trying so hard to please me, I love you the way you are and you can't make me love you more!" ...NONE of which help my impatience. Oh, the bane of my life. That I love. I really do love how I am impatient, though I think it would be better expressed as "eagerness." He says wonderful things about me too, telling me I am a valiant warrior and I have wings where others have only feet, and of course using my nickname, "Shimmer." He couldn't have found a word I'd love more, but then He's God, so duh.

It's official! I'm doing a truly Kristen truly weird and wild thing. Ben and I, plus another Ben and another Kristen, who "just happened" to be the ones on the BenGate forum who want to make the 14+ hour road trip, are going to Denison TX to see the Benjamin Gate at their last show! (that is so God, I'm pumped) And I am determined to be bold. I'm not letting Adrienne go back to South Africa without having an actual conversation with me. (I hope) We'll see. Heh, glad my 'rents don't know about this. The lectures'd last longer than the drive time (total of 28 hours).

I'm so mingled right now... happy about seeing the Benjamin Gate once more, sad that they are ending, nervous about my exam on Saturday, regretful about missing Breakthrough tonight, thankful that God has given Nimajn confidence in his gift, relieved that God insists I'm not selfish, and just confused. ;-)

.....because of all the freakin' cryin' I been doin' yestiddy and t'day. Omig'nss. La.

So anyway, I've been missing my God. I feel like there is some kind of wall between us, and in my subconscious somewhere I know what it is, but I cannot for the life of me bring it to consciousness. But He's been talking to me through Nimajn, who is finally comfortable with his gift. HALLELUJAH!!!! From God mainly I get "Soon" and "Wait" and "Stop trying so hard to please me, I love you the way you are and you can't make me love you more!" ...NONE of which help my impatience. Oh, the bane of my life. That I love. I really do love how I am impatient, though I think it would be better expressed as "eagerness." He says wonderful things about me too, telling me I am a valiant warrior and I have wings where others have only feet, and of course using my nickname, "Shimmer." He couldn't have found a word I'd love more, but then He's God, so duh.

It's official! I'm doing a truly Kristen truly weird and wild thing. Ben and I, plus another Ben and another Kristen, who "just happened" to be the ones on the BenGate forum who want to make the 14+ hour road trip, are going to Denison TX to see the Benjamin Gate at their last show! (that is so God, I'm pumped) And I am determined to be bold. I'm not letting Adrienne go back to South Africa without having an actual conversation with me. (I hope) We'll see. Heh, glad my 'rents don't know about this. The lectures'd last longer than the drive time (total of 28 hours).

I'm so mingled right now... happy about seeing the Benjamin Gate once more, sad that they are ending, nervous about my exam on Saturday, regretful about missing Breakthrough tonight, thankful that God has given Nimajn confidence in his gift, relieved that God insists I'm not selfish, and just confused. ;-)

Well, did I already say that the BenGate forum is up again? I'm glad of that. I'm Waterstar there, in case you care.

Recentish updates to authors, people, waterstar, and my art. I'm trying to come up with a decent front design for my Cationes page... I think I'm gonna end up drawing a map of my world and then having the water-bodies lead to various infos, and the countries just lead to info on themselves. So I have to work the map into the right size, draw it all proportional, and then, oh then, I get to play with it in PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!! (try saying that, it sounds like a hyper stutter)

Pastor John talked about the difference between judging and discerning tonight. I kept thinking about my dad, both because I know I have judged him and want to stop, and because I know that if he heard this sermon and put it to use in his life, he'd have such a better life. But I don't know if I should try giving him the tape, bk for one thing I think it might be a waste of 2 dollars (I'm only 45% sure he'd read it) and for another, I think he might take it as me preaching at him and resent the teaching for that reason alone. I don't know. I did learn that I did the right thing by backing off from my parents, that I'm not wrong in being detached to them. I have been emotionally detached concerning them since I was about eight, so for about 12 years they haven't really been a part of my life. They discovered that less than 2 years ago, and didn't understand. And I couldn't explain, but now I know. I've always been in love with God, even if at times it was deep inside, and because of that, their judging affected me even when it wasn't directed toward me. And judging is an addiction. Pastor John confirmed that tonight.

Pastor John was excited about Nimajn and I getting married December 13th. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, maybe a slightly-disappointed-but-resigned one, but he was excited! He respects me, which feels odd to me when I remember. Actually, he was the one that prophesied that God wanted me to not be afraid of people of great consequence, but stand up for God and tell them to get behind me and support me. I think he respects Nimajn too, but he doesn't know Nimajn as well. I go up to him and have mini-converstations a lot. ;-) My pastor is so awesome. I'm so grateful for him. Wow I have a charmed life. I realize every now and then that three years ago I would have been so envious of me now. I have:

the perfect spiritual parents
the perfect husband (fiance, whatever)
the perfect friends --insanity cubed and honorary members therein
the perfect church
the perfect room --purple, w/ pictures, posters, & calendar pieces
the perfect bathroom and a giant closet
the perfect car with great gas mileage and bumper stickers and the cutest eyes
the perfect stereo --silver, with lights that change color
hundreds of dollars worth of beads and beading supplies
my own websites
a jewelry business
a beautiful body (slowly I begin to believe)
three feet of beautiful hair

(garnier fructis is all I use now, that stuff is miraculous!!! Believe the ads, they UNDERSTATE the case!! I have three feet of curly, coarse, think hair, and when I use garnier, my hair is at least 10 times easier to brush, is softer, more moisturized -- and that's just the shampoo! I bought the conditioner yesterday, and plan to test it soon. Can you believe that with garnier I can go without conditioner and my hair will STILL be managable???? And while I'm on the subject, the only worthwhile leave-in is Infusium. Believe those ads too.)

I took their hair quiz... apparently, according to my hair, my ideal jobs are:
Air Traffic Controller, CIA Agent, TV Producer
Okay, enough ranting about hair products.

OH MY GOSH I am so blessed.

Well, did I already say that the BenGate forum is up again? I'm glad of that. I'm Waterstar there, in case you care.

Recentish updates to authors, people, waterstar, and my art. I'm trying to come up with a decent front design for my Cationes page... I think I'm gonna end up drawing a map of my world and then having the water-bodies lead to various infos, and the countries just lead to info on themselves. So I have to work the map into the right size, draw it all proportional, and then, oh then, I get to play with it in PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!! (try saying that, it sounds like a hyper stutter)

Pastor John talked about the difference between judging and discerning tonight. I kept thinking about my dad, both because I know I have judged him and want to stop, and because I know that if he heard this sermon and put it to use in his life, he'd have such a better life. But I don't know if I should try giving him the tape, bk for one thing I think it might be a waste of 2 dollars (I'm only 45% sure he'd read it) and for another, I think he might take it as me preaching at him and resent the teaching for that reason alone. I don't know. I did learn that I did the right thing by backing off from my parents, that I'm not wrong in being detached to them. I have been emotionally detached concerning them since I was about eight, so for about 12 years they haven't really been a part of my life. They discovered that less than 2 years ago, and didn't understand. And I couldn't explain, but now I know. I've always been in love with God, even if at times it was deep inside, and because of that, their judging affected me even when it wasn't directed toward me. And judging is an addiction. Pastor John confirmed that tonight.

Pastor John was excited about Nimajn and I getting married December 13th. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, maybe a slightly-disappointed-but-resigned one, but he was excited! He respects me, which feels odd to me when I remember. Actually, he was the one that prophesied that God wanted me to not be afraid of people of great consequence, but stand up for God and tell them to get behind me and support me. I think he respects Nimajn too, but he doesn't know Nimajn as well. I go up to him and have mini-converstations a lot. ;-) My pastor is so awesome. I'm so grateful for him. Wow I have a charmed life. I realize every now and then that three years ago I would have been so envious of me now. I have:

the perfect spiritual parents
the perfect husband (fiance, whatever)
the perfect friends --insanity cubed and honorary members therein
the perfect church
the perfect room --purple, w/ pictures, posters, & calendar pieces
the perfect bathroom and a giant closet
the perfect car with great gas mileage and bumper stickers and the cutest eyes
the perfect stereo --silver, with lights that change color
hundreds of dollars worth of beads and beading supplies
my own websites
a jewelry business
a beautiful body (slowly I begin to believe)
three feet of beautiful hair

(garnier fructis is all I use now, that stuff is miraculous!!! Believe the ads, they UNDERSTATE the case!! I have three feet of curly, coarse, think hair, and when I use garnier, my hair is at least 10 times easier to brush, is softer, more moisturized -- and that's just the shampoo! I bought the conditioner yesterday, and plan to test it soon. Can you believe that with garnier I can go without conditioner and my hair will STILL be managable???? And while I'm on the subject, the only worthwhile leave-in is Infusium. Believe those ads too.)

I took their hair quiz... apparently, according to my hair, my ideal jobs are:
Air Traffic Controller, CIA Agent, TV Producer
Okay, enough ranting about hair products.

OH MY GOSH I am so blessed.

Well, did I already say that the BenGate forum is up again? I'm glad of that. I'm Waterstar there, in case you care.

Recentish updates to authors, people, waterstar, and my art. I'm trying to come up with a decent front design for my Cationes page... I think I'm gonna end up drawing a map of my world and then having the water-bodies lead to various infos, and the countries just lead to info on themselves. So I have to work the map into the right size, draw it all proportional, and then, oh then, I get to play with it in PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!! (try saying that, it sounds like a hyper stutter)

Pastor John talked about the difference between judging and discerning tonight. I kept thinking about my dad, both because I know I have judged him and want to stop, and because I know that if he heard this sermon and put it to use in his life, he'd have such a better life. But I don't know if I should try giving him the tape, bk for one thing I think it might be a waste of 2 dollars (I'm only 45% sure he'd read it) and for another, I think he might take it as me preaching at him and resent the teaching for that reason alone. I don't know. I did learn that I did the right thing by backing off from my parents, that I'm not wrong in being detached to them. I have been emotionally detached concerning them since I was about eight, so for about 12 years they haven't really been a part of my life. They discovered that less than 2 years ago, and didn't understand. And I couldn't explain, but now I know. I've always been in love with God, even if at times it was deep inside, and because of that, their judging affected me even when it wasn't directed toward me. And judging is an addiction. Pastor John confirmed that tonight.

Pastor John was excited about Nimajn and I getting married December 13th. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, maybe a slightly-disappointed-but-resigned one, but he was excited! He respects me, which feels odd to me when I remember. Actually, he was the one that prophesied that God wanted me to not be afraid of people of great consequence, but stand up for God and tell them to get behind me and support me. I think he respects Nimajn too, but he doesn't know Nimajn as well. I go up to him and have mini-converstations a lot. ;-) My pastor is so awesome. I'm so grateful for him. Wow I have a charmed life. I realize every now and then that three years ago I would have been so envious of me now. I have:

the perfect spiritual parents
the perfect husband (fiance, whatever)
the perfect friends --insanity cubed and honorary members therein
the perfect church
the perfect room --purple, w/ pictures, posters, & calendar pieces
the perfect bathroom and a giant closet
the perfect car with great gas mileage and bumper stickers and the cutest eyes
the perfect stereo --silver, with lights that change color
hundreds of dollars worth of beads and beading supplies
my own websites
a jewelry business
a beautiful body (slowly I begin to believe)
three feet of beautiful hair

(garnier fructis is all I use now, that stuff is miraculous!!! Believe the ads, they UNDERSTATE the case!! I have three feet of curly, coarse, think hair, and when I use garnier, my hair is at least 10 times easier to brush, is softer, more moisturized -- and that's just the shampoo! I bought the conditioner yesterday, and plan to test it soon. Can you believe that with garnier I can go without conditioner and my hair will STILL be managable???? And while I'm on the subject, the only worthwhile leave-in is Infusium. Believe those ads too.)

I took their hair quiz... apparently, according to my hair, my ideal jobs are:
Air Traffic Controller, CIA Agent, TV Producer
Okay, enough ranting about hair products.

OH MY GOSH I am so blessed.

Well, I emailed Thux, asking the "offical" last date the Benjamin Gate is playing..... I'm praying it's Fallquest...

I have to do a lab and then go to Government class in five hours. Well, I have to leave in 5 hours. I hate needing sleep. Why do I have to waste my time sleeping? I have been in such a productive rut lately. I'm battling my depression that way. It works! I was depressed today, so I made a pair of barefoot thongs. For me, actually. I never make jewelry for me, but this time I did! Yay! From 7:30 to 11, I think. They're for my "Belenen as a Healer" costume, which I will be wearing to the midnight showing of ROTK. I'm so not enthusiastic about anything right now. Blah. I'll write later.

Well, I emailed Thux, asking the "offical" last date the Benjamin Gate is playing..... I'm praying it's Fallquest...

I have to do a lab and then go to Government class in five hours. Well, I have to leave in 5 hours. I hate needing sleep. Why do I have to waste my time sleeping? I have been in such a productive rut lately. I'm battling my depression that way. It works! I was depressed today, so I made a pair of barefoot thongs. For me, actually. I never make jewelry for me, but this time I did! Yay! From 7:30 to 11, I think. They're for my "Belenen as a Healer" costume, which I will be wearing to the midnight showing of ROTK. I'm so not enthusiastic about anything right now. Blah. I'll write later.

Well, I emailed Thux, asking the "offical" last date the Benjamin Gate is playing..... I'm praying it's Fallquest...

I have to do a lab and then go to Government class in five hours. Well, I have to leave in 5 hours. I hate needing sleep. Why do I have to waste my time sleeping? I have been in such a productive rut lately. I'm battling my depression that way. It works! I was depressed today, so I made a pair of barefoot thongs. For me, actually. I never make jewelry for me, but this time I did! Yay! From 7:30 to 11, I think. They're for my "Belenen as a Healer" costume, which I will be wearing to the midnight showing of ROTK. I'm so not enthusiastic about anything right now. Blah. I'll write later.

Today it hit me that The Benjamin Gate will be nonexistant in ten days. I think I'm finally past the shock and now I just want to cry and cry and cry. Their music has been such an important part of my life! I don't want them to be gone. And I doubt they're staying in the US, especially since God keeps telling me that he wants Adrienne to go home to South Africa soon. And yes, a little I mourn because I never got a letter, and how do I know I matter? I love them, does that count for anything? Sigh.... I'm gonna go sleep for a little while and hopefully wake up to an email saying that they are after all playing Fallquest. hmph.

Today it hit me that The Benjamin Gate will be nonexistant in ten days. I think I'm finally past the shock and now I just want to cry and cry and cry. Their music has been such an important part of my life! I don't want them to be gone. And I doubt they're staying in the US, especially since God keeps telling me that he wants Adrienne to go home to South Africa soon. And yes, a little I mourn because I never got a letter, and how do I know I matter? I love them, does that count for anything? Sigh.... I'm gonna go sleep for a little while and hopefully wake up to an email saying that they are after all playing Fallquest. hmph.

Today it hit me that The Benjamin Gate will be nonexistant in ten days. I think I'm finally past the shock and now I just want to cry and cry and cry. Their music has been such an important part of my life! I don't want them to be gone. And I doubt they're staying in the US, especially since God keeps telling me that he wants Adrienne to go home to South Africa soon. And yes, a little I mourn because I never got a letter, and how do I know I matter? I love them, does that count for anything? Sigh.... I'm gonna go sleep for a little while and hopefully wake up to an email saying that they are after all playing Fallquest. hmph.

I just wrote, and it got gobbled by the great green void. I'll write what I still care about.

I really wanna go to the last Benjamin Gate concert, but I'm not sure if Nimajn wants to, and I don't want to manipulate him. He hates to displease me, so if he thinks that I'm gonna be displeased, he clams up and I have to squeeze the truth out of him. And 14 hours each way is a lot of driving, even carpooling. We'll see. I'll cry if I don't get to see them play once more before they break up. I mean it. Cry, weep, and wail. AND whine!!!!!!!

I really really want a CD player for my car. It's bugging me constantly now. Especially since Gabe's car has one. Especially since that makes me want to drive Plum and that hurts Sylvia's feelings. And in Plum I feel like a fake rebel. Rebel driving a Honda automatic?!? --yeah right. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh... and I wanted to hold out, in hopes that some lovely lovely person would get me one as a wedding present, but I don't know if my patience will last. Especially since Sylvia is trying to make it an emergency situation by turning the radio off every five minutes, trying to make me think it's broken so I'll go get a CD player and be utterly pleased to drive her and her only. Garg. It might work, too.

I just wrote, and it got gobbled by the great green void. I'll write what I still care about.

I really wanna go to the last Benjamin Gate concert, but I'm not sure if Nimajn wants to, and I don't want to manipulate him. He hates to displease me, so if he thinks that I'm gonna be displeased, he clams up and I have to squeeze the truth out of him. And 14 hours each way is a lot of driving, even carpooling. We'll see. I'll cry if I don't get to see them play once more before they break up. I mean it. Cry, weep, and wail. AND whine!!!!!!!

I really really want a CD player for my car. It's bugging me constantly now. Especially since Gabe's car has one. Especially since that makes me want to drive Plum and that hurts Sylvia's feelings. And in Plum I feel like a fake rebel. Rebel driving a Honda automatic?!? --yeah right. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh... and I wanted to hold out, in hopes that some lovely lovely person would get me one as a wedding present, but I don't know if my patience will last. Especially since Sylvia is trying to make it an emergency situation by turning the radio off every five minutes, trying to make me think it's broken so I'll go get a CD player and be utterly pleased to drive her and her only. Garg. It might work, too.

I just wrote, and it got gobbled by the great green void. I'll write what I still care about.

I really wanna go to the last Benjamin Gate concert, but I'm not sure if Nimajn wants to, and I don't want to manipulate him. He hates to displease me, so if he thinks that I'm gonna be displeased, he clams up and I have to squeeze the truth out of him. And 14 hours each way is a lot of driving, even carpooling. We'll see. I'll cry if I don't get to see them play once more before they break up. I mean it. Cry, weep, and wail. AND whine!!!!!!!

I really really want a CD player for my car. It's bugging me constantly now. Especially since Gabe's car has one. Especially since that makes me want to drive Plum and that hurts Sylvia's feelings. And in Plum I feel like a fake rebel. Rebel driving a Honda automatic?!? --yeah right. Waaaaaaaahhhhhhh... and I wanted to hold out, in hopes that some lovely lovely person would get me one as a wedding present, but I don't know if my patience will last. Especially since Sylvia is trying to make it an emergency situation by turning the radio off every five minutes, trying to make me think it's broken so I'll go get a CD player and be utterly pleased to drive her and her only. Garg. It might work, too.