We had two intimacy practices this week. Tuesday, Heather and Ariana and Anika and I had a small one (Topaz was there at the start but was feeling migrainey so had to go home). It was Ariana's first and Anika's 3rd, I think? Anyway the four of us talked about lots of things as per usual but the part that stuck out the most to me was the common thread of spirituality; during truth-or-truth I asked Heather and Ariana some questions and someone else asked Anika a question that also led to discussion of spirituality. I felt very resonant with Ariana when we talked about plants and the energy of the four of us was very... soft and mighty, like moss on a giant tree. I felt really connected to everyone and like I learned a lot about Ariana in a short time.

Then tonight we had another, with me and Abby, Anika, Kylei, Topaz, Camellia, Kei-Won-Tia, Roger, and of course me. This one felt so magical, partly because I got to cuddle with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia (really close cuddles that felt very open, which was new between me and Kei-Won-Tia and Camellia), and partly because I felt really in sync with Topaz and Kei-Won-Tia and Anika. The truth or truth was the best it has ever been, I think, with each question opening up the questionee and a really good balance of timing. At one point I was asked to reflect out loud on the new people in my life and I did, and then felt a burst of intensified connection, and at another point there was a resonance between Kei-Won-Tia and Topaz that I also felt (to a lesser extent) which made me feel so close, and loving, and appreciative of the sharing that allowed it. Sadly Kylei started feeling ill and had to go, which meant Roger did too as they were Kylei's ride, and Anika had to go to take care of the baby, and Topaz had to leave for Cosmos. That was sad to miss, but the second half was still great and people asked me questions that made me consider things I hadn't before, which is something I treasure.

Also, Kei-Won-Tia got confused about the date for another event and so showed up early, then kept me company as I cleaned lots. Since cleaning alone is hard for me this was a wondrous (if accidental) gift <3

Something I've decided to start doing in keeping with LJ being my external memory is to keep a "love memory bank" on my phone to jot down when people make me feel extra-loved, and post that in increments here.

( from my birthday to now )

So yesterday was my birthday 'party' which was fun but not a party (in my mind a party needs at least 6 people). Beforehand I worked from 8 to 3, drove home, napped, and then Topaz helped me tidy and clean and we just continued until Allison arrived. Camellia also came by, but was clearly exhausted and couldn't stay long, so the evening was me and Topaz and Allison talking about art and sexism and war and college and books, while Topaz drank whiskey and I drank damiana liquor (which was slow to get me drunk but a garrulous and happy spirit that I much enjoyed). It was not what I expected but it was really lovely; I was exhausted and while I wanted to see my people, I was dreading the arrival of anyone who would want to be entertained. Allison is not a spectator but very much a participation-oriented person so I feel like I can just be myself and if I'm boring, Allison will find a way to entertain zirself.

I didn't really think about this much before but I think some people are used to gatherings being full of distractions like TV and even if I had one, I would never have it on at a gathering unless the intent was to watch a particular show/film together. I can't stand to have stuff with words playing in the background: it splits my focus so that I cannot be involved in anything. Speaking more broadly, I find 'on in the background' to be counterproductive because I want my gatherings to be centered around community. Also, I consider absorbing media without conscious choice to be like sending out an open invitation on craigslist: you might be okay but you might also be bringing some scary shit in.

I feel pretty content about the fact that though so many people who said yes or maybe didn't show, I didn't feel slighted or upset about it. I felt a little worried that Allison or Camellia would judge me or feel awkward, but I knew that was an illogical fear and it passed pretty quickly.