belenen: (Default)

June 2017


Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (ADD-PI)
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

While I love my job, it takes up literally all of my ability to focus, most days. It's very detail-oriented and often tedious work and the past few projects I've worked on have been on stuff I find both boring and offensive (so-called history that's full of outright lies, and I have to describe it without adding commentary or arguing). So I get home and I have a very hard time controlling my brain as I have kept it on such a tight leash all day. Mostly it endlessly refreshes facebook and watches netflix. So I installed browser blocks for the first time in my life (leechblock for firefox and stayfocusd on chrome) and so far it's helped a lot, because my problem is not that that is what I actually want to be doing, but just that if I start at all I can't stop, and I need SOME down time to watch stuff and I want some time to catch up on facebook. So I gave myself 45 minutes for each one, and after that I can't use it the rest of the day. Thus, today I managed to come post! and not for LJ Idol!

But my brain still does its runaway carriage thing, as evidenced by the fact that I spent like five hours updating my layout the other day... and then as soon as I wrote that line I went and spent three hours more. (resize your browser for Fun Timez) annnnd there's still a thing I haven't figured out. oh well calling it a night since I'm overdue for sleep already arghhhh

ETA: figured it out the next day. SUPER PROUD of it right now.

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belenen: (oneness)
LJI topic 7, "where I'm from": I am from the Internet, from a little city called Livejournal.
icon: "oneness (the characters Keenan and Joan from "Playing By Heart," sitting very close together, both looking off to the side and laughing)"

My country is the internet; my state is the mid-90s to the mid-00s, and my city is Livejournal, though I have lived in other cities for short periods of time, and I visit other cities often.

My experience with the internet began with AOL on Windows 95. I used the internet to download midi files of music I liked, endlessly search for info on my favorite musical artists, and find people to chat eagerly with about music or about God (my two obsessions at the time). I made some pretty intense friendships, one with a white guy in Canada, and one with a black guy somewhere in the Midwest. I didn't seek out guys, I don't think, but there just weren't any girls my age that I could find (and at that point I didn't know that nonbinary people existed). My friendships with those two highly ethical and thoughtful people allowed me to create healthy expectations of male behavior, rather than accepting selfishness and disrespect as 'normal' which would have been the case if I did not have access to the internet.

During the early days of my interaction with the internet, my use was limited to chatting, searching for information, and exploring the Anotherworld MUD. Then at age 20 I took an intro computer course which was utter shit but one of the assignments changed my life: we had to make a simple webpage with the most basic coding. I found this really fun and started teaching myself HTML, building two websites from bare code. I probably spent more than 200 hours on them over the course of the next three years. No one I knew ever cared much about this project, but I loved it so much I didn't need external interest to keep it going. I did get interesting and meaningful responses in the guestbook of my site, particularly about my anti-racist stance. This is where I developed my ethic of content creation and self-education: I shared what I made, and when I wanted to do something I trained myself on how to do it. This was no small feat, because how-to resources were still scanty at the time.

At the same time, Allison (who is now my oldest friendship) introduced me to LiveJournal. I joined first as a way to stay in touch with Allison and it quickly took on an important role in my life. I met new people through add-me communities and through shared-interest communities. This is where I developed my norm for getting to know people: if I thought they were interesting I added them to my friends list and consumed their online content. If the interest was mutual and they added me back, I would respond to their posts and have turn-based conversations. I rarely had any direct interaction at first -- I only commented if they required it before adding them, and most of the time if they required that I just didn't add them.

That is how I would prefer to be able to get to know anyone; indirectly and not in real time but with intensely intimate levels of sharing. It's a strong enough norm for me that I can rarely have a lasting or nourishing connection with someone who doesn't share intimacies indirectly. It's usually too hard for me to sync up in real time, but I need that level of intense sharing to feel nourished and to maintain investment. But I've realized that in most places, getting to know someone indirectly first is considered 'weird' at best and people often refer to it as 'stalking' which I find utterly baffling. I accept that it's taboo and I don't talk about it to out-of-towners, but where I'm from, that's just how you do it! (obviously I don't look at anything that's not set to 'public' because that's creepy)

Also at this intense time of change, I started going to group therapy. Through the group therapy I started learning to be vulnerable with others, and within a few months I dedicated my journal to openness and honesty. It was a difficult project for a long time, because only a few months into my LJ life I started having flashbacks to childhood sexual abuse (sparked by having consensual penetrative sex for the first time). I began going to therapy weekly, and it got worse before it got better.

So for about two years I could not leave my house without someone by my side, and I had no local friends so I rarely went out. The internet saved me: I built real friendships to a depth I never had before. For the first time in my life, people sharing freely with me happened on a daily basis instead of once or twice a year. This was the first time in my life I truly felt like I belonged and like I understood how to interact in a way that would be appreciated. I rapidly dismantled my inner barriers to openness, and what I didn't dismantle was destroyed for me. It became important to me to share my own story in a public way, because I knew I was not the only one dealing with recovery from abuse. That built my immunity to trolling because when people mock you for being an abuse victim, there's not much lower they can go.

In late 2004 I also came across a community celebrating hourglass shapes and when the owner deleted it due to fighting over what counted, I decided to make a better version. I created a body-positive community with the idea of it being for medium people, like I was at the time (size 10) since there were fat positive communities but they had a minimum size requirement. But as people much smaller and larger than me joined, my idea rapidly changed, because the idea of excluding people for being 'too much' or 'not enough' was not okay to me. Within a few months, it was for anyone who self-identified as curvy, regardless of size or gender. This community was like a commune, a gathering of people who I mostly didn't know but who all were working together on the same beautiful project. It was home and work and family all at once; I took it from one person to more than 1,300, and it remained a thriving community for about four years.

That community was where I learned to love myself, and I got to watch lots of others do it too. It also brought me and Hannah together, which was a whole new experience because for the first time I met someone who was better at questioning and being open than I was. Hannah and I would regularly spend 9+ hours talking and sharing: we'd write on LJ and read each others' writing, we'd explore deviantart and share favorite works with each other, and just talk endlessly on gchat.

Deviantart was, for a time, almost as important as LJ to me. It's where I shared my artistic nudes and developed immunity about people expressing disgust toward my body. I also experienced so many people thanking me for sharing and telling me that it helped them to see their own beauty. DeviantArt is the town where I developed myself as a public artist, and I had some celebrity for a short time, but now my style has evolved so much that no one recognizes it as mine when I put up a new piece. It's a place I visit once in a blue moon to look at my old work on the walls, but all the artists I loved there moved away so even the nostalgia is dusty. I can't bring myself to stay long enough to get invested in the art circles there anymore.

Twitter was paramount for about a year in 2011; I kept up daily and interacted often. I was put off by the lack of reciprocity: I was following and interacting with people who never read my tweets and it felt cliquish. I learned a lot from the feminists there, esp the trans and WOC feminists, but it was more like a newspaper than like a social space. In a lot of ways it reminds me of my college experience: no matter how much effort I put in, no one wanted to connect at more than a surface level. Twitter is a city I drive through almost every day but never stop anymore; the roads where people live are confusing and parking is fucking torture, so I just go on through.

I got a facebook initially due to curiosity, kept it because of its value at organizing gathers, and slowly began spending more time there as my local activist network developed. Over the past two years it has become a more real space for me, as people have begun interacting with me more, but it still feels somewhat alien. Facebook feels like the building where I work: I go there often, but always in costume while leaving my more scandalous self at home. Without ever consciously deciding to, I had developed a habit of restricted my sharing on fb because fb culture is so pro-judgement. Once I realized this, I began working to bring more of myself into my facebook life because I don't actually want to make it more difficult to get to know me. Facebook will never be home, but I am making it into a workplace where I can be more of myself.

There were several shakeups here on LJ over the years and I lost friends to vox, wordpress, blogger, dreamwidth, and even facebook, but still I remain here. My LJ friends list is like a neighborhood where every single house is owned by a friend of mine. The idea of moving is absurd and always will be unless most of my friends move away. Even when it was mostly empty for a few years, I stayed in the hopes people would return, and eventually filled up those houses with new friends. Now, I have a small handful of friends who returned but most of my neighborhood is people I have met within the past three years (and I have been on LJ for more than 13 years).

I get so excited when I meet someone who is also from the internet, and even more so when I meet someone from livejournal. I imagine it is how other people feel when they live far from a hometown that they love, and then they meet someone from there. I might not get along with everyone from LJ, but if they have lived here a while, I immediately know we share similar values in a lot of ways. Especially if they love it here as much as I do.

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belenen: (ADD-PI)
updated my layout to this decade, mostly.
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

well I just got SUPER hyperfocused stuck on updating my LJ layout (worked on it for about 7 hours solid), but I got rid of the tables and cleaned it up a lot, and made it work better on small devices (shrink your browser window and it will transform). I'm trying light background with dark text for a bit to see if it is kinder to my eyes. Check it out and tell me what you think! *grins* Also, if you notice any accessibility issues please let me know (now or anytime). I'm trying to minimize them as much as possible.

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belenen: (bel bites happy apple hannah)
awesome me and my rockin' LJ / icon making spree! / Willow Arlenea icons
[ profile] belenen is the coolest person ever. XD Why? because not only did I add quickreply to my journal (which makes responding to comments so much more fun and easy!) but I also changed the userinfo icons in my LJ!!!!!!!! Instead of the ugly old one with a giant head and icky blue-and-orange shoulders, mine is a pretty pale violet one with a much more proportionate head, that fits better with my font size. *dances* [ profile] belenen [ profile] belenen [ profile] belenen see? and my community ones have rainbow sparkly icons -- [ profile] curvygirls! You'll have to go to my actual journal to see them though, 'cause the code is in the journal and not the entry.

I also rock because I have been on an icon-making SPREEEE and I have a BUNCHA new icons -- go see!!! and I made Hannah a ton of new icons too -- pretty pretty! AND I made a ton of Willow Arlenea icons for everyone else!

Willow Arlenea icons )

If you take any, please comment and let me know which ones, by filename (the filename is also the title of the original painting, minus the number at the end). You don't have to credit, but if you do, please put "art by Willow Arlenea, icon by [ profile] violetglow"

ALSO! I must explain the icon! Hannah and I were kissy kissy kissy during the whole visit, of course. Hannah was taking the 3millionth photo of herself and I leaned in -- she assumed I was going to kiss her so she had this 'aww I'm cute and loved' expression on her face, and then I bit her cheek. Afterwards we instantly had to look at the photo, and when we did we dissolved in giggles. To me, it looks exactly like she's an apple, happily being chomped. Like one of those happy food things. (or this one) XD
connecting: , , ,

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belenen: (artistic)
website WORK is now officially operational! It took about 7.5 hours, but my website is all transferred and I even have my new guestbook installed. Wanna help me celebrate by signing it?? I just have to put my photography page together again and it will be better than ever.

And now I'm off to take a nap before work.

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belenen: (luna lovegood)
random -- website, music, traveling...

I haven't really gotten it started yet, that's mostly still freewebs hosting, I just mirrored the front page. I have sooooo much work to do transferring... hopefully I can tear myself away from LJ for long enough to really work on it soon. VERY soon. I can't wait to put my photography gallery back up!!! I just don't have enough time! But Polly has agreed to cut down my schedule some. I won't even feel it once I get my fat raise in a month. I ♥ Wal-mart, I really do. For many reasons.

I haven't slept, I might nap for an hour before work but I'll be mostly running on yesterday's sleep... hopefully that will MAKE me crash when I get home, since I have to be up at 7:30am on Saturday for counseling. :-(

I ordered Kosheen's "Resist" and Wild Strawberries "Quiver." [ profile] bluebl00d, you have NO IDEA how much I adore you for introducing me to those awesome groups (and all the others!). In return I introduce you to an American acid jazz/ electronic group, Beauty's Confusion -- they have five free songs you can download, I KNOW you'll love them. ;-) If you don't already know them, that is, Miss Music Guru!

[ profile] shmee_, do you think your parents would let me stay for a week or two? If so, I'm going to start saving money to hopefully come visit you in August. It's going to be EX-PEN-SIVE, but you are worth it. SO worth it.

And you know what's awesome? Lunascape, Hooverphonic and Airlock are three of my favored bands, and they're from Belgium! So cool!

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belenen: (antagonistic)
website / first red bra & fury at VicSecret / phone crap /
website stuff )

I just bought my first red bra! and officially boycotted 'Victoria's Secret' (read that in a snotty tone) because of their emaciated mannequins. It's not enough that they have mannequins that are far, far thinner than the average woman, no, they have to add protruding bones! BONES on a fucking MANNEQUIN. I was FURIOUS. I looked around for a helpless employee on whom to vent my wrath, but got too fed up and ended up marching out of the store. I went to Fredricks of Hollywood (who have a much wider range of colors anyway, VS only carries my size in black and nude), who will be getting my business from now on. And I plan to bad-mouth VS to anyone who will listen. Fuckers.

Phone is still off, after talking to three different people. I'm (possibly) going into an official store tomorrow. We're definitely switching phone companies, unless they do back flips to make up for all this. Maybe even then. grrr. I was missing [ profile] aubkabob's voice so much that I listened to her songs a few times. Weird since we've only talked once, but still true.

I have so much I want to post about... I might just break my personal rule and post several in a row. But they won't all be as complainy as this!

And omg, I LOVE this thing that [ profile] jamina1 introduced me to -- It shows everything you listen to on the computer and keeps stats! So very cool! I'm excited.
feelings: moody
sounds: Flunk: "Miss World"
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