So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

in googling myself, I discovered an anti-beauty-myth article using one of my photos as illustration. I am SO INSPIRED right now. It's in Spanish so I used babelfish to translate, and I love the way certain lines were translated:

Where it is left the diversity? As it is the place of intelligence, the tenderness, picardia, the force of the powerful character of the Venezuelan woman? To be "pretty", according to the criterion of our country, implies to extirpate the individuality, the weight I specify of our defects and virtues, that ineffable personal brightness that us makes only? I do not create it, I do not admit it, I resist to that idea.

( the google-translated article (borderline worksafe photo of me included) )

Unique, beautiful, unrepeatable. This is femininity in my country, and no one, even those sad aesthetic theorists who try to corner the curves and beautiful imperfections to create a single mold, it will never achieve change that thinking. -- Deirge

---

What is even more amazing? This particular photo has been stolen and desecrated TWICE by people attempting to show off their 'photoshop skills' at skinnifying me (I reported them for copyright theft and had the images removed from dA). There is some serious power in it, to provoke such reactions. I'm... gloriously stunned at the power of simple belief in the beauty of variety.

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

Someone (don't know who) sent me a package (to a house where I apparently lived with my mom and lil sis). Inside was a pen which wrote beautifully in rainbow colors, one color flowing at a time. I wrote my name (but I can't remember what it was) and kept on making swirls, fascinated. Then I noticed that each color wasn't just a flat wash of ink -- it was tiny shapes of flowers and vines and other plants. I realized this pen dispensed magic, and I began to put the ink on everything (it was able to spray) -- after I realized it was magic the ink began to flow glitter also. There were little faery figurines laying around (I think I had a huge collection of them) and as I sprayed the magic ink on them they came 'back' alive -- apparently they had been spelled into plastic and pewter. I ran outside and began spraying everything -- plants sprouted blossoms of all kinds of bright colors, things shot to life, everything was saturated in swirly living color and glitter. I started to think it would run out, but then I thought to myself that when it did, the magic would still be in the world, so I continued to spray everything with wild abandon, though I sprayed the faeries lightly instead of saturating them, so that I could make sure each faery came alive.



there is really nothing that can compare to the beauty of that dream... imagine this
as vivid glowing light, dancing in the air, becoming the skin of delighted faeries and vibrant plants,
flowing into water, living and breathing in multidimensional shapes and continuously flowing color,
each tiniest speck of color being alive...

I don't know who all was sending me magic, but DAMN. You did a good job! Every time I think of that dream it uplifts me. (special thanks to Ava, Kevloid, and Spydie whom I know sent magic ♥ (and an ice cream llama, but I'm not so sure about that))

The phone rang and woke me, so I didn't get to find out if the pen did in fact run out. I'll choose to believe that it wouldn't.

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

My parents taught me something about giving thanks that has stayed fresh in my mind for many years. (not fresh as in crisp spring leaves, fresh as in just-dumped manure) By their actions (which rendered their words meaningless), they taught me not to show any gratitude upon the promise of a gift, but only upon the receipt -- the proof. If they offered something and I showed any excitement or gratitude, they would turn that offer into a bribe and force me to earn the 'gift.' By the time I earned it, I had no gratitude left.

I disagree with much of their parenting, but this seemingly-small thing rankles me more than most of their teachings. I LOVE to be grateful! I love feeling an outpouring of positive energy toward the person who has been generous to me -- most of the time I love this feeling even more than the actual gift. But if someone promises me a gift, I feel an uncertainty that lasts until the promise is fulfilled, and that uncertainty drains much of the positivity from the gift.

However, that attitude has recently been changing. A few months ago, I picked up a flyer printed with an affirmation for receiving unexpected blessings. At that time my partner and I had very strained finances, so I figured it couldn't hurt to try it. Shortly after that, my partner finally received the promotion that he had been working toward for over a year (with three attempts that didn't pan out). Things had already been building in that direction, so I'm not sure how much effect the affirmations had on our finances, but the important thing was the effect they had on me as I said these words over and over again:

( the affirmation )

As I said these words aloud, I put myself into a mindset of gratitude. I changed my focus from wondering whether or not it would 'work' and just felt the gratitude as if it already happened. I've never been able to do that before! The first time I did it laughingly, as a experiment (acting melodramatic and making extravagant gestures) -- but the peace and renewed faith I felt afterwards motivated me to keep doing it. Before, I always felt like I was lying or being naive if I said 'thank you' for something that hadn't happened yet, but now I understand that gratitude is not just a reaction caused by outside events; it is an attitude I can create within myself to kick-start a flow of positivity.

and I'm really grateful for this topic because I needed to reflect on this right now. So thank you, therealljidol! and thanks to all my idol-ing friends who unintentionally urged me to do mine (since I want to read your already-posted entries, you overachievers!). ;-)

LJ idol topic 3: "The Giving of Thanks." ((please vote for me if you got something from reading this!))

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Okay, I'm done.

I have wallowed in pain and regret and sorrow for three days, and that is long enough. Yes, Anika chose not to be my friend anymore (at least for a long while), but I still have so many wonderful things in my life:

---I have the best, most gorgeous, most generous husband that ever walked the face of this earth,
---I have the most wonderful soulfriend who has been unwaveringly loving and sweet to me (hee hee, yes I do! I haven't posted about it because I have been so down and unsure about everything, but I trust her completely now, and will post about it soon ♥),
---I have SO MANY close friends who hurt when I hurt, rejoice with me when I'm happy, and give me the kindest, most faithful support (gosh, I'm almost crying with joy over that right now),
---I have a great God who is very understanding and loves that I constantly question and search,
---I have a friend who is so passionate in her love for me that she gets furious when someone hurts me,
---I just have so many many many lovely people in my life! Oh I wish I could go hug every one of you. Thank you for being there, for being gentle with me through my pain and negativity, and helping to nurse me back to positivity.

much much love and joy and positivity to you all! ♥ ♥ ♥

EDIT: ooooh I feel so much better. I don't think I had the strength to do this earlier, but thanks to your love, I've chosen the positive and it is so sweet and yummy. *dances*

Okay, I'm done.

I have wallowed in pain and regret and sorrow for three days, and that is long enough. Yes, Anika chose not to be my friend anymore (at least for a long while), but I still have so many wonderful things in my life:

---I have the best, most gorgeous, most generous husband that ever walked the face of this earth,
---I have the most wonderful soulfriend who has been unwaveringly loving and sweet to me (hee hee, yes I do! I haven't posted about it because I have been so down and unsure about everything, but I trust her completely now, and will post about it soon ♥),
---I have SO MANY close friends who hurt when I hurt, rejoice with me when I'm happy, and give me the kindest, most faithful support (gosh, I'm almost crying with joy over that right now),
---I have a great God who is very understanding and loves that I constantly question and search,
---I have a friend who is so passionate in her love for me that she gets furious when someone hurts me,
---I just have so many many many lovely people in my life! Oh I wish I could go hug every one of you. Thank you for being there, for being gentle with me through my pain and negativity, and helping to nurse me back to positivity.

much much love and joy and positivity to you all! ♥ ♥ ♥

EDIT: ooooh I feel so much better. I don't think I had the strength to do this earlier, but thanks to your love, I've chosen the positive and it is so sweet and yummy. *dances*

Okay, I'm done.

I have wallowed in pain and regret and sorrow for three days, and that is long enough. Yes, Anika chose not to be my friend anymore (at least for a long while), but I still have so many wonderful things in my life:

---I have the best, most gorgeous, most generous husband that ever walked the face of this earth,
---I have the most wonderful soulfriend who has been unwaveringly loving and sweet to me (hee hee, yes I do! I haven't posted about it because I have been so down and unsure about everything, but I trust her completely now, and will post about it soon ♥),
---I have SO MANY close friends who hurt when I hurt, rejoice with me when I'm happy, and give me the kindest, most faithful support (gosh, I'm almost crying with joy over that right now),
---I have a great God who is very understanding and loves that I constantly question and search,
---I have a friend who is so passionate in her love for me that she gets furious when someone hurts me,
---I just have so many many many lovely people in my life! Oh I wish I could go hug every one of you. Thank you for being there, for being gentle with me through my pain and negativity, and helping to nurse me back to positivity.

much much love and joy and positivity to you all! ♥ ♥ ♥

EDIT: ooooh I feel so much better. I don't think I had the strength to do this earlier, but thanks to your love, I've chosen the positive and it is so sweet and yummy. *dances*

Thank you all so very very much. Your comments and especially your prayers/positive thoughts/energies really made a difference. I had been trying so hard to be positive, and just couldn't manage it. I don't know what it was, but it's mostly gone now. Thank you. ♥

I've learned so much about what it means to live, and just how important positivity is. A while ago, I would have simply yeilded to the bad feelings -- this time I fought them, and when I realized they were more than I could handle alone, I asked for help. And I got it. You guys really boosted me, and Ben was extra loving also, and I spoke positives over myself and prayed for help, and I came out of it naturally.

Speaking of positives, I've discovered my sense of smell! I had never given it any thought until recently. I've never liked perfumes, because they are usually floral (ugh!) and always have a tang of alcohol that I can taste. But I was on a friendsfriends page and saw a link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (an essential oil artisan), followed and browsed through the scents... reading the reviews on each scent gave me such a powerful longing to smell that that I reached for the bottle of cinnamon/clove/dragonsblood oil that I got at the Renaissance Festival this year and slid some on my collarbone, hoping that the scent hadn't faded. It hadn't! And it completely changed my mood, I got giggly with delight! Then I realized that part of the the reason I had enjoyed that day at RenFest so much was because of the scent drifting up from the bottle all day. I am DEFINITELY going to try some of Black Phoenix' essential oils. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the idea that I will become desensitized if I wear it every day -- but at the same time, I want to fully enjoy it... Oh well, the only way to find out is to experiment. I think it may keep me from being desensitized if I alternate scents.

( here are the ones I am going to try: )

I'm asking Ben to get me a set of imps of the first 6 for Christmas -- and maybe the second six also. I have just discovered a whole new sense -- this is really amazing to me.

I feel like there is a certain scent out there that will so blend with me, bodyspiritsoul, that to wear it will make me more me. When I find it, I think I will make myself a ritual where I anoint parts of my body and pray through the armor of God.

Thank you all so very very much. Your comments and especially your prayers/positive thoughts/energies really made a difference. I had been trying so hard to be positive, and just couldn't manage it. I don't know what it was, but it's mostly gone now. Thank you. ♥

I've learned so much about what it means to live, and just how important positivity is. A while ago, I would have simply yeilded to the bad feelings -- this time I fought them, and when I realized they were more than I could handle alone, I asked for help. And I got it. You guys really boosted me, and Ben was extra loving also, and I spoke positives over myself and prayed for help, and I came out of it naturally.

Speaking of positives, I've discovered my sense of smell! I had never given it any thought until recently. I've never liked perfumes, because they are usually floral (ugh!) and always have a tang of alcohol that I can taste. But I was on a friendsfriends page and saw a link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (an essential oil artisan), followed and browsed through the scents... reading the reviews on each scent gave me such a powerful longing to smell that that I reached for the bottle of cinnamon/clove/dragonsblood oil that I got at the Renaissance Festival this year and slid some on my collarbone, hoping that the scent hadn't faded. It hadn't! And it completely changed my mood, I got giggly with delight! Then I realized that part of the the reason I had enjoyed that day at RenFest so much was because of the scent drifting up from the bottle all day. I am DEFINITELY going to try some of Black Phoenix' essential oils. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the idea that I will become desensitized if I wear it every day -- but at the same time, I want to fully enjoy it... Oh well, the only way to find out is to experiment. I think it may keep me from being desensitized if I alternate scents.

( here are the ones I am going to try: )

I'm asking Ben to get me a set of imps of the first 6 for Christmas -- and maybe the second six also. I have just discovered a whole new sense -- this is really amazing to me.

I feel like there is a certain scent out there that will so blend with me, bodyspiritsoul, that to wear it will make me more me. When I find it, I think I will make myself a ritual where I anoint parts of my body and pray through the armor of God.

Thank you all so very very much. Your comments and especially your prayers/positive thoughts/energies really made a difference. I had been trying so hard to be positive, and just couldn't manage it. I don't know what it was, but it's mostly gone now. Thank you. ♥

I've learned so much about what it means to live, and just how important positivity is. A while ago, I would have simply yeilded to the bad feelings -- this time I fought them, and when I realized they were more than I could handle alone, I asked for help. And I got it. You guys really boosted me, and Ben was extra loving also, and I spoke positives over myself and prayed for help, and I came out of it naturally.

Speaking of positives, I've discovered my sense of smell! I had never given it any thought until recently. I've never liked perfumes, because they are usually floral (ugh!) and always have a tang of alcohol that I can taste. But I was on a friendsfriends page and saw a link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (an essential oil artisan), followed and browsed through the scents... reading the reviews on each scent gave me such a powerful longing to smell that that I reached for the bottle of cinnamon/clove/dragonsblood oil that I got at the Renaissance Festival this year and slid some on my collarbone, hoping that the scent hadn't faded. It hadn't! And it completely changed my mood, I got giggly with delight! Then I realized that part of the the reason I had enjoyed that day at RenFest so much was because of the scent drifting up from the bottle all day. I am DEFINITELY going to try some of Black Phoenix' essential oils. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the idea that I will become desensitized if I wear it every day -- but at the same time, I want to fully enjoy it... Oh well, the only way to find out is to experiment. I think it may keep me from being desensitized if I alternate scents.

( here are the ones I am going to try: )

I'm asking Ben to get me a set of imps of the first 6 for Christmas -- and maybe the second six also. I have just discovered a whole new sense -- this is really amazing to me.

I feel like there is a certain scent out there that will so blend with me, bodyspiritsoul, that to wear it will make me more me. When I find it, I think I will make myself a ritual where I anoint parts of my body and pray through the armor of God.

I thought I would share my daily prayer/mantra for taking authority. It probably won't affect your life if you don't put your faith in Jesus, but for the Christians on my list, you should definitely try saying it out loud every day for a week -- it had such a powerful effect on my life. It wiped out so much of my confusion and frustration. And even if you don't put your faith in God, maybe you could try it -- I'm just curious to see if it would have any effect.

Basically, when we give our lives to Jesus, he gives us authority over ourselves ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" -- 2 Timothy 1:7; "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you" --Luke 10:19). But learning to use that authority is never instant, and many people don't understand that and so they never seek to grow. It's even harder for people like me who have been through something traumatic. Our instinct is to separate from the pain and split ourselves into pieces, some of which we are aware of and some of which we are not -- some of which love God and some of which do not! That's how we survive, but it was never meant to be a permanent state. Anyway, for a long time my most broken pieces were the ones who controlled me, but as I have begun taking authority, my sheltered good pieces have risen up and begun healing, begun taking over. My confusion is so much less -- I no longer feel like I have static in my head whenever I try to quiet my thoughts. My fear is less; I don't have as much of a problem with flashbacks during sex; I'm not so afraid of people's disapproval... I'm coming into who I was always meant to be. And I think the primary reason for that was learning to take authority.

( so here's what I say )

Patricia actually gave me a simpler version, but I didn't want any part of my being left out, and I tend to believe that there are more than three parts to a person (I think the Ancient Egyptians were probably closer to correct in their belief of nine parts to a being, but I don't know what to call the other four possible parts), so I added bits. After I started taking authority over my body, I saw a huge difference in my dancing. Not that it's that great now, but compared to before it is amazing. I went from hopeless to actually learning.

I thought I would share my daily prayer/mantra for taking authority. It probably won't affect your life if you don't put your faith in Jesus, but for the Christians on my list, you should definitely try saying it out loud every day for a week -- it had such a powerful effect on my life. It wiped out so much of my confusion and frustration. And even if you don't put your faith in God, maybe you could try it -- I'm just curious to see if it would have any effect.

Basically, when we give our lives to Jesus, he gives us authority over ourselves ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" -- 2 Timothy 1:7; "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you" --Luke 10:19). But learning to use that authority is never instant, and many people don't understand that and so they never seek to grow. It's even harder for people like me who have been through something traumatic. Our instinct is to separate from the pain and split ourselves into pieces, some of which we are aware of and some of which we are not -- some of which love God and some of which do not! That's how we survive, but it was never meant to be a permanent state. Anyway, for a long time my most broken pieces were the ones who controlled me, but as I have begun taking authority, my sheltered good pieces have risen up and begun healing, begun taking over. My confusion is so much less -- I no longer feel like I have static in my head whenever I try to quiet my thoughts. My fear is less; I don't have as much of a problem with flashbacks during sex; I'm not so afraid of people's disapproval... I'm coming into who I was always meant to be. And I think the primary reason for that was learning to take authority.

( so here's what I say )

Patricia actually gave me a simpler version, but I didn't want any part of my being left out, and I tend to believe that there are more than three parts to a person (I think the Ancient Egyptians were probably closer to correct in their belief of nine parts to a being, but I don't know what to call the other four possible parts), so I added bits. After I started taking authority over my body, I saw a huge difference in my dancing. Not that it's that great now, but compared to before it is amazing. I went from hopeless to actually learning.

I thought I would share my daily prayer/mantra for taking authority. It probably won't affect your life if you don't put your faith in Jesus, but for the Christians on my list, you should definitely try saying it out loud every day for a week -- it had such a powerful effect on my life. It wiped out so much of my confusion and frustration. And even if you don't put your faith in God, maybe you could try it -- I'm just curious to see if it would have any effect.

Basically, when we give our lives to Jesus, he gives us authority over ourselves ("For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" -- 2 Timothy 1:7; "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you" --Luke 10:19). But learning to use that authority is never instant, and many people don't understand that and so they never seek to grow. It's even harder for people like me who have been through something traumatic. Our instinct is to separate from the pain and split ourselves into pieces, some of which we are aware of and some of which we are not -- some of which love God and some of which do not! That's how we survive, but it was never meant to be a permanent state. Anyway, for a long time my most broken pieces were the ones who controlled me, but as I have begun taking authority, my sheltered good pieces have risen up and begun healing, begun taking over. My confusion is so much less -- I no longer feel like I have static in my head whenever I try to quiet my thoughts. My fear is less; I don't have as much of a problem with flashbacks during sex; I'm not so afraid of people's disapproval... I'm coming into who I was always meant to be. And I think the primary reason for that was learning to take authority.

( so here's what I say )

Patricia actually gave me a simpler version, but I didn't want any part of my being left out, and I tend to believe that there are more than three parts to a person (I think the Ancient Egyptians were probably closer to correct in their belief of nine parts to a being, but I don't know what to call the other four possible parts), so I added bits. After I started taking authority over my body, I saw a huge difference in my dancing. Not that it's that great now, but compared to before it is amazing. I went from hopeless to actually learning.