Prompt from Indie: Are you a morning person, a night owl, or both? Explain why and what you enjoy doing in the morning and/or nighttime.

I've never been a morning person. It doesn't matter if I have gotten up at 6am every morning for a week, if I have the chance to sleep in, I will stay in bed until 10:30 a.m. at the *earliest.* My best schedule is waking up at 11 a.m. and going to sleep at 3 a.m..

I have learned that while I am always tempted to stay up later and get up later, getting up any later than 1:30 p.m. or going to bed any later than 3:30 a.m. is a really bad idea for me. If I get up that late, I will miss too much sunlight and it will make me feel wilted and depressed -- especially in the winter. And if I go to bed later than 3:30, any time after that is wasted time. My ADHD goes haywire and I can't get anything done, and even doing brain-rest things stops being restorative because I can't focus.

I think the decreased stimulation at night is why I like being awake then. There is less ambient noise from outside, less mental noise from people doing things, less visual noise because it's darker.

I would enjoy being up early if I ever got enough sleep, but I can't ever go to bed on time because there literally isn't enough time in the day for me to decompress. I'm hoping that I struggle less with this after I move, when I will have a much shorter commute.

Speaking of which, I realized recently that for the past 7 years, I have basically been living in 2 houses -- mine and Topaz'. I have two toothbrushes, pillows, phone chargers, etc, because I have spent at least 2 nights a week at their place for so long. I didn't realize how much back-burner stress this caused me until I started thinking about what a relief it will be once I am moved.

To not have to wonder where my stuff is or pack and carry sets of clothes. To not have to worry every weekend that something terrible may happen to my cat and I wouldn't know until it is too late. To be able to have a smoothie on the weekends! To not have to try to remember which house I actually have food in. To not have that stress of having to remember all the things when I leave in the morning.

To not have to choose between dinner with Topaz or sleeping in my own bed. To not have to choose between spending the weekend with Topaz or by myself, because it will be easy to mix it up. To not have to choose between getting to have friends in my space or getting to spend time with Topaz. To not have to choose between tidying my living space or spending time with Topaz.

Really hoping that the lifting of these stresses will have a noticable effect. I'm certainly less stressed than I was last year, but I still am barely functional in so many ways.

On being "too busy" - for me, there is not a number of cancellations or rejections of my invitations that is too much; it's more about how that happens and the results that matter. Anyone local can tell you that I am often too busy. But if someone makes the effort to initiate with me, then if I do want to spend time with them, I will offer an alternate plan or set up a plan to make a plan (like "I'm gonna be busy for the next two weeks but I'll put a reminder on my calendar and ask you when I can predict").  A person can literally say no to every invitation I give and still not upset me, if they offer alternative plans or tell me when to check in again. I have no expectation that people will do otherwise unless I have received permission to expect something from them.

I feel very upset when someone accuses me of not caring because I am busy or late or out of energy; my level of caring has nothing to do with those things. I feel complete understanding with my friends regarding those things. The problem comes in when it is literally all of my local friends because then it just becomes collectively too much effort. 

So please, in reading that last post, keep in mind that I am not complaining about any individual event or person, but about a trend in my experiences.

Note: if I say something problematic please mention it because I'm talking about some things I don't have personal experience with (chronic pain/fatigue/anxiety) so I may be off-base and have no idea.

Being late, cancelling plans, not being up for some activity; these things are called rude and that's fucking ableist. Why? because when people with chronic pain/fatigue/depression/anxiety/other disability can't make it on time or at all, that is not* because they don't care or aren't invested in you or don't respect you, it's because it would cause them damage to do it. When you value your own time so much that you would rather someone else be damaged than 'waste' your time, you are being incredibly selfish.

I get being an ignorant ableist poopsicle because ( I was one! )

So my basic, decent-human level of inclusion is to be prepared for something to interfere with plans, and not to take it personally. I communicate what I want (that you keep plans and let me know as far in advance as possible if you are cancelling), and believe you when you tell me you did your best. I ask for reassurance if I start to feel neglected or avoided or whatever, and I trust that when I do, you will tell me truthfully if you don't want to do the thing with me or if you didn't have the energy to do it. I will warn you if I need to keep to a particular schedule and if so, I will just continue without you, with no resentment. If I need someone to be there no matter what, I will tell you ahead of time and check in the day before to get a more accurate prediction of whether or not you will be up for it. If you are not up for it, I will find someone else to go with me or I'll postpone. I look at it like I would weather. It's just not something you can control and predicting it is notoriously unreliable. And I do this for nondisabled people as well because you can't have true consent if saying no at any point would result in punishment (pouting/passive-aggression is certainly punishment, btw).

For me, I forget things and run out of time despite trying my absolute hardest, and I need people to be understanding of that. My memory is so awful now that I often can't tie a person to a memory. So I will remember that someone I love deeply is allergic to that flower that starts with an H and is red, or that someone I love adores a particular band, but I often can't remember who. This is another thing that is often conflated with love, and I DEFINITELY used to do it. I used to express love by carefully memorizing things and mentioning them later when they were relevant. Now I worry people won't feel loved because I won't be able to remember the right things. I still try just as hard and care just as much, it just doesn't work. (I started keeping a list on my phone of things people especially love. Hopefully that will be helpful to my memory, since seeing things in print often helps me remember better than hearing them.) Unless it's in print or photo, I have ZERO control over what falls out of my sieve of a memory, and some of my most treasured experiences are gone. I may forget the best thing we ever did together if neither of us takes photos or writes it down (even then I'll forget until I read it or see the photos). That is unbearably tragic to me and I try not to reflect on it. Please, never assume that I love you less because I forgot something. It could literally be the best thing to ever happen in my life and I might still forget it. There are countless meaningful comments, emails, and messages that I have forgotten even though I appreciated them immensely. So many things I planned to do but forgot. And I put so many reminders on my calendar already, it's just not possible to do it for everything. And then, sometimes I fucking forget what I was doing when I pick up my phone and my intended reminder never gets made!!!

When I say run out of time, I mean that I planned enough time and then some, but then my brain wasn't up to the task, and it took an extra 10-30 minutes because I kept forgetting things and going back upstairs or back in the house, or I drove right past the exit, or I forgot that I was almost out of gas, or I got hyperfocused on something and lost the time (rare because I usually refuse to get deeply involved in anything before a plan, for this reason) or I forgot to eat and was feeling shaky and dizzy and unsafe to drive and had to sit down and eat a few bites to be able to go, or I forgot why I set my alarm for that time and snoozed it too much until I realized in a panic why it was going off! I have planned for an hour extra time and still been late (because I ended up hitting traffic or something). It is not lack of care or effort. If I say I care, I'm not fucking lying. And if I make a plan with you, it's because I love you enough to deal with the stress of trying to corral my brain and enough to accept the drain of energy it takes to go out (for so many reasons, not the least of which is my needs-repair car and the expense of gas) and/or give you my full focus. I am really fucking careful with how I plan my time.

*I mean, I'm sure there are some uncaring disabled people who like inconveniencing others and just don't value the time of others, but I've never met any. I haven't met many non-disabled people like that either. I think my pile of oddities scares off most of the people who are uncaring.

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!

During Aurilion's visit, we made a spur-of-the-moment stop by the local eclectica store where I found the perfect tarot deck waiting for me. ( it was a destined happening )

These cards, who I have named Color Voices, speak to me. I'd always thought that tarot worked by simply pouring your energy in and allowing it to draw you to the cards that you subconsciously know are the right ones (because I believe in a universal consciousness); it had never really occurred to me that simple printed images could radiate their own energy in a way that made them feel like people. (or maybe it never occurred to me that I could feel them that way -- certainly others had expressed that, though not in so many words) But these cards? I can feel their presence like a person in the room! And the artwork on them could hardly be more 'me' if someone had created it with me in mind. They are so, SO beautiful. I feel like meeting them is a really important turning point for me.

I did a reading (my very first ever) for Aurilion that night (which was spot on) and a few days later did a reading for my partner, which was startlingly accurate. Then I tried doing readings for myself and they were meaningless, which I found really discouraging. But I got the impression that I simply need to practice 'attuning' myself to the cards (and I think it is harder to read for oneself).

So I wanted to ask a favor from my flist. ;-) Would you be willing for me to do a short reading for you and then post it here (public) with a photo of the cards? If you want, I can do it anonymously, and I'll screen comments to make that possible. Just PLEASE, do not expect me to be accurate or even meaningful to you -- I might be, but I don't have any practice or knowledge about this, so I could just as easily produce a confused mess. I'll do the first 8 comments from my flist, and then I'll edit this post to let you know that requests are closed. (if you're one of my newer friends I may not be able to do one for you because I need to have a sort of intuitive understanding of you since I can't pick up your energy directly, like in person) You can ask whatever question is on your mind or just ask for a general reading.

I'm hoping to get this finished before 1am Friday so it can be my art-sharing post for the week ;-) (One of my goals this year is to become more comfortable with deadlines and time-structure, eek)

ETA: yay, finished with mermaiden and c_a_turbulence's readings! six more to go!