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belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (Default)
Friday ··· 6·12·20 ··· 09:49 pm
facebook posts about Kanika, Feb 20 to June 6
icon: "Kanika kitty (my cat in profile with a blown-out background. Kanika is stark black with golden eyes, and looks like a statue of Bastet)"

Kanikas petting preference chart

[image: Cat petting preference chart with a line drawing of a cat, six colors in the legend, and name, Kanika. Purple means enthusiastic yes, blue means okay, green means maybe, yellow means "eh" or indifferent, dark red means emphatic no, and bright red means "I will bite."

The face, legs, feet, tail, belly, butt, and lower back above the tail are all filled with "I will bite." Most of the cat's flank is filled in with emphatic no over which are stripes of "I will bite." Around the neck and shoulders and upper back is indifferent, with stripes of "I will bite" along the neck and middle back. Along the back of the neck and top of the shoulders is maybe. Some stripes of enthusiastic yes are on the back of the neck just above the shoulders and under the chin above the chest. However, there are also stripes of "I will bite" on the neck.]
Feb 20, 2020, 1:48 PM

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The Lord is obsessed with fresh tap water and recently started observing my teeth brushing, immediately afterwards jumping on the counter and heading for the sink to lick up water drops. I found this really gross so I started giving them the "no jump" hand signal before they got on the counter, and then I would rinse out and refill their water cup right after I brushed my teeth.

Tonight they hopped up on the toilet to watch me brush my teeth as usual and when I finished and dried my hands and face, they meowed to remind me! I'm so charmed that they learned that they will get fresh water without getting on the counter by just reminding me. Such a clever cat.
Feb 21, 2020, 12:56 AM

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The Lord is such a jealous little copy-cat. They've noticed Topaz carrying their little dog, and now they occasionally come to me and ask to be picked up -- which they have NEVER done before (though they got more tolerant of it as they aged). It's cute and hilarious.
Mar 30, 2020, 2:16 PM

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Me being home all the time with Kanika's litterbox in my bathroom (attached to my room) has lead to me dealing with their poop almost immediately every time since I am usually within smell-range when it happens.

Now they think that this is to be expected, and they come and meow at me as soon as they finish. They also meow at me beforehand for some reason?? "Just letting you know you're about to be on duty, get ready!"
Apr 9, 2020, 4:32 PM

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Topaz keeps telling me that I've been exclaiming "what the fuck!?" in my sleep and today I figured out why. Whenever I do a big position shift in bed, Kanika comes and sticks their face, including their cold wet nose, on my hand!!

I thought it was just when I was going to sleep because they always come and get a good night pet after I first get settled in bed. But today I was close enough to awake that it woke me up and ugh, what a horrible way to wake up! Gross!
Apr 12, 2020, 4:08 PM

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I meant to get a colorful cat last time, after realizing how much harder it is to get a good photo of a black cat --

but then Kanika laid on their back in my hands and made eye contact with me for like 10 seconds as a TINY KITTEN and I was like oh well, guess I don't get to pick based on photogenic-ness. They are still the most eye contact-est non-human I have ever met.
Apr 13, 2020, 4:33 PM

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Kanika tapping my arm with their paw
[five-second gif of a little black cat with a small white spot at the top center of their chest, sitting next to me and reaching over with one paw to tap my arm gently as they look up at my face. They tap my arm once, twice, then go to tap a third time and put their paw down instead. Each time they tap my arm, their paw is outstretched and their claws are extended, but in a kneading motion: their claws barely touch me. Text over the bottom of the image says "look how fuckin gentle those paws are"]
Apr 14, 2020, 12:23 AM

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I overhear quiet rapid stomping in the kitchen and I turn to look at Kanika and sure enough, they're gone. Topaz and Kanika are playing tag SO CUTE OMG
May 3, 2020, 1:37 AM

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My weirdass cat uses the litterbox like this:

1) get in and scrape up a big mountain.
2) pee on top of the mountain.
3) jump out of the litterbox in an attempt to avoid the liquid running down the side of the mountain.
4) reach in from the side to scrape litter to cover it (usually badly).

I think this is because their parent cat's caretakers left their box dirty, so they never learned the right way to use it. Instinct covers the need to scratch but not the practical application!
May 15, 2020, 2:15 PM

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In an effort to get the Lord to stop scratching on the wrong things, I started giving them a treat every time they used their scratcher. They caught on quick and now if I don't notice and reward them, they helpfully remind me with a meow.
Jun 1, 2020, 12:37 PM

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Kanika's new favorite toy is a bent thumbtack. I know I'm gonna regret this when it ends up in my foot, but I can't take it away because I haven't seen them so excited about a toy in aaaaages!
Jun 6, 2020, 4:11 PM
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belenen: (Default)
Sunday ··· 3·22·20 ··· 07:22 pm
dream: people on the bus are cruel to me / dating a super-fat person, defending them / toilet weird
Dream: stranded, bus doesn't stop near me any more, people on the bus are cruel to me; dating a super-fat person and verbally attacking people who were cruel to them, toilet weirdness; combs are currency but mine don't work.

I was stranded and had very little money. Bought a bus ticket which left me with less than a dollar in any of my accounts. Then I talked with the first bus driver to confirm the number of the second bus I needed to catch and he told me that buses no longer stopped where I needed to go, and the nearest stop was miles away. I despaired and tried to think of alternatives but there weren't any, I couldn't even use a pay phone. The driver said I should get on this certain bus and then after we began the route, tell the driver where I needed to go and they would likely take pity on me and make a closer stop. I felt like this was manipulative and unethical but I felt like I had no other choice.

Then the driver asked how the temperature was and no one responded for several seconds so I said it was fine with me. Someone else on the bus said "yeah cause you are the only one who matters" and I said that I wasn't trying to imply that and that I am usually better at expressing myself but that I was having a very stressful day. Someone else said that their kid was sick but they didn't use it as an excuse to "express themselves badly." Everyone on the bus was hating me and being mean and I kept apologizing but they just got meaner, until I woke up from crying so hard.

Eventually I went back to sleep and then I was dating a super-fat person and we went to a restaurant where two people were thin supremacist and rude, cruel to my date. Afterward I asked my date what their names were and if it was okay for me to confront them and my date said yes and told me one was named Sara(h) and the other one was not important.

So I went to find Sara(h) and was about to confront a Sara(h) in a floral print dress when I realized there was another Sara(h) and I thought I had the wrong one. So I started scolding the one wearing solids who was just confused and I realized right away from their reactions that I was right the first time. So I went to the one in florals and scolded them extremely harshly. The manager came over and began defending them and I scolded the manager more harshly and told them I would be informing corporate of all of this. Then me and my date left.

We got to their place and it was extremely run down and everything was broken. I had been staying with them so Kanika was in their apartment, and when we walked in I realized there was a window open wide enough that Kanika could easily get out and I panicked, but when I called Kanika they came in from another room.

Then I went to use the toilet and realized I didn't know if there was more than one bathroom and I didn't want to poop in their private toilet, if there were two, so I went and asked my date and they knew why I was asking somehow, and said there was only one but it was okay for me to poop in it. I went in the bathroom and the toilet bowl was constantly swirling but with clean water, while a toilet bowl on the floor that had no tank or drain was full of pee and toilet paper. I was very confused and didn't know which I should use.

Then I laid down in a corner of the bathroom and fell through a false wall into another room. My date's dad was there and explained that he used a "rent a room" app to rent this place to my date at a very low price, and he would sneak in things my date needed like food, and would sneakily fix things that were broken, because otherwise they couldn't survive on the wages their horrible job paid them.

That storyline ended and I dreamed that owning a comb controlled access to resources. First mine didn't work. Then I got another set that didn't work. Then I was trying to draw one so that I could magically make it real and I kept making mistakes and being unable to draw it. It was a lot more complex than that but I forgot a lot of the dream.
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belenen: (Default)
Saturday ··· 2·15·20 ··· 03:23 pm
Kanika's naughtiness and my accidental great idea
An accidentally fantastic choice I made was putting a velcro-attached weather strip on the bottom of my bedroom door on the inside. Kanika can pull the strip back somewhat and feel like they are making progress toward getting out, so they don't scratch the door or floor or the sound-absorbing foam I have on the back of my door. It makes a super annoying noise but it is not damaging which is a huge relief.

Also this means that I know when they want to get out and when they don't. The most recent time when I had people over, I locked them in my room and they didn't ask to get out at all until the last person drove away -- then literally 30 seconds later we heard the "riiiiiiip. riiiiiiiiip" of them pulling at the velcro. I think they realized they would NOT like to be in all the hustle and bustle but they also weren't gonna tolerate being locked up any longer than necessary.
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belenen: (Default)
Thursday ··· 7·26·18 ··· 09:26 pm
kanika's cleverness
I finally trained my elderly cat to use the footstool up to the bathroom counter (and more importantly, to get down) and now they have taken ownership of that side of the counter. Last night I was brushing my teeth and had set a cup on Kanika's side of the counter. They stood on their hind legs with front paws on the counter prepared to jump, saw the cup, and very gently pushed it with one paw, alerting me to move it. This cat gets more clever with every passing year.
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belenen: (Default)
Tuesday ··· 5·22·18 ··· 01:43 pm
living alone again! a shocking quiet / return of the ghost / tidying & organizing
icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

Sunday night was the first night I got to be home since Serenity (housemate) finished moving out and cleaning up behind themselves and it was WORLDS quieter. Not of physical noise, but of mental/emotional noise. The quiet felt almost shocking, like when the power goes out. I felt like I was in a hotel, or like I was sleeping in an empty house without even furniture. My house felt clean, open, and full of space -- despite the fact that my living room is still a clutterbomb from my returned things after Topaz' move.

I was subconsciously worried that I didn't actually need to live alone for a while, or that it wouldn't be a significant difference because Serenity did try hard to be unobtrusive. I was worried that maybe I was making it up, maybe I was just being uselessly picky. Now I feel validated, and happy that I knew this would be good for me even though I had no proof. I'm delightedly anticipating a decrease in my overall cognitive and emotional strain, from the sense of rest I can get now from going home.

Weirdly I have heard the ghost moving around again, and Kanika has started breaking into the room where it stays again. They didn't do that for almost the entire 2 years that Serenity was here -- at least not when I was home. The door to that bedroom stayed shut. Now I keep shutting it and finding it open again, and last night the light was inexplicably on (I never turn it on) -- most likely Serenity turned it on and I just didn't notice the first 3 times I passed it, but I would have thought I'd notice since it was dark and there is a large gap between the door and the floor. It creeped me out a little but I dismissed it. If it is a ghost, it's got no ill intention, or Kanika wouldn't be friends with it.

I've been helping Topaz with various cleaning projects and they offered to come help me clean and tidy my living room this week which will be SUCH a relief as tackling it alone is just something I haven't motivated to do, at all. Once I have it tidy I can do an allergy clean regularly and hopefully host hearts and crafts sometimes. I've only just been able to start doing big cleaning and tidying projects, having stored up enough spoons. So many days when I get home I am just so wiped from work that feeding myself dinner and occasionally soaking my feet is about all I can manage. But having a tidy space that is all mine and all tidy is going to help so much.

I don't remember if I posted about it, but I organized my closet (the clothes at least) and put some things in canvas boxes on a wire cube shelf outside the closet, and I have done a lot better about putting away clean clothes and planning out work outfits since then. It's so good to for me to plan ahead with outfits because otherwise I end up slapping together something in the morning and it's not something that feels like self-decorating. If I have to wear clothes I want to be thoughtful and creative about it. Side note: I need so many more clothes now that I have to wear a different outfit every damn day, which I usually sweat in while walking to the bus. Luckily my thrifting magic has kept that from being too dreary.
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belenen: (Default)
Saturday ··· 10·21·17 ··· 06:56 pm
my spiritual connections with my former betta, Hyacinthe, & current cat, Kanika
icon: "Kanika kitty (my cat in profile with a blown-out background. Kanika is stark black with golden eyes, and looks like a statue of Bastet)"

I'm now trading prompts with my local friend [livejournal.com profile] sandracaprice as well. They are new to LJ so hopefully this will help them grow into this space a bit! This first prompt they created:

Have you ever had a spiritual connection with an animal (domesticated or wild)? If yes, explain the circumstances and how the experience changed you.

Yes. With many to various extents, but more than most with my first betta fish, Hyacinthe, and with my current cat companion, Kanika. I had Hyacinthe for about 2 years, and during those years I started having dreams about fish. In some I was rescuing fish from shallow, gasping bits of water and in others, I was walking into rooms filled with water to share space with fish. I feel like Hyacinthe was a dream-traveler with me. Before I knew Hyacinthe I might not have guessed that a tiny fish could have such personality, but when I got to know Hya, I knew that creatures don't need a large brain to have their own personality. Fish became a huge part of my dreamworld due to Hyacinthe mostly.

Kanika has been my companion for 12 years now (13 in January). This cat is the wildest 'domesticated' cat I've ever met. I got Kanika when they were just a few weeks old and when we met, this super-active kitten let me pick them up and hold them, and lay on their back in my hands for a good 10 seconds making eye contact with me -- that was when I knew this was my cat. Such a trusting moment for such a suspicious little being!

Shortly before Kanika came to live with me, I started going through treatment for childhood sexual abuse, and uncovering that was traumatic. As I progressed I got worse before I got better: I became agoraphobic and paranoid about strangers, and Kanika being such an empathetic creature was terrified with me. Kanika still responds to a loud knock at the door with a jump-and-run response whenever it startles me, but now I can just say "it's okay, 'Nika" and make eye contact and they will calm down. When they are anxious I can almost always calm them by making eye contact and radiating calm at them, with or without soothing words.

Kanika has a very powerful spiritual/energetic presence, which has become profoundly clear to several people who were interacting with Kanika in a moment of full awareness. I consider Kanika to be my familiar, and I think they consider me their witch (whatever the cat equivalent of that is). They will check on me when I don't feel good and will tell me when it is time to go to sleep (though I don't often listen). Whenever I meditate/chant they want to be in my lap (which they otherwise don't ever want to be, as they don't like being surrounded) and they will participate in any ritual that I do if they're in the house when I do it. If I am feeling bad they will lay on me and/or knead me, much more than they do when I'm fine.

They are particular about what energy they like to be near -- they will only lay on me if they can lay on my sacral energy center on my back, or my willpower energy center on my front, and if I am on my side they will drape across me with their front paws so that their chest is aligned with the energy center they like rather than sitting on my side. In the past few years, their favorite spot has been to lie just above my head in my crown energy center. They appear in my dreams pretty regularly, especially when they sleep in my crown.

They are very sensitive to energy and I have learned that when Kanika says no, I should listen. Kanika is a better judge of who a person is at that moment, including what they are carrying, than I could ever hope to be. I tend to focus on intentions and possibilities sometimes to the exclusion of actions and realities and that gets me in trouble a lot. They will also bounce back my own energy so they can be snappish because I'm anxious or stressed, which helps me realize that my energy is being drained and then I can take action about it.

I don't know how I have been changed due to these connections. I think I have learned that all animals have feelings, but I learned that as much through reading as through my interactions. Kanika has been my companion for a third of my life! They've been around since I was with my first lover. Having Kanika has changed the course of my life because if I didn't have Kanika, I would probably have moved in with Topaz or into some shared hippie house by now, so in a way Kanika helps enforce my need for a truly solitary place where I can cocoon myself in my own beingness. Also for good or ill, they make it really important that people who direct their anxiety outward and people who are disrespectful of animals' boundaries not come to my house. I appreciate my furry little housemate for being a fierce, powerful guardian. I feel honored to be respected and defended by such a creature.
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belenen: (Default)
Tuesday ··· 9·19·17 ··· 02:34 pm
change in work schedule / maybe no change in living situation; experimenting w investing here
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

I've recently changed my work schedule to hopefully have more time to rest and write in a day. I find it immensely difficult to switch contexts, to the point that when I am out I never really want to go home and when I am home I don't want to go out. When I am working I don't want to stop and this makes it very difficult to stop to eat, and sometimes I will endure an aching bladder for hours rather than go to the bathroom, because I just hate context-switching so much. I can't explain it and I can't control it.

So a 30 minute lunch was really a terrible idea for me, considering that it is a definite interruption but not enough time to do anything that involves focus. And each day of the week going to work takes more energy than the last. My Friday afternoons I could hardly talk, even to Topaz. So I have front-loaded my week so that I work longer days monday and tuesday, then shorter days the rest of the week, with an hour lunch each day.

I am writing on my lunch break at work right now.  I haven't yet adjusted to the difference in traffic so today was the first time I managed to be actually here before my start time. But if I can push myself to be very strict about leaving on time, this will be the best. I am in sort of a writing mindset when I am at work so I think I can use my lunch to read or write on lj, and 5 hours a week is way better than the zero hours that I was doing for weeks. I know you are probably sick of hearing all my good intentions followed by weeks of silence, but here I am trying again.

I've been thinking a lot about my living situation lately. I was trying to find a new place which was pretty much impossible with my parameters, and even if I found something that fit them, I would have no extra at all. And the main reason I wanted to move (besides hating my neighbors who harass me) was because I thought people might make more of an effort to be my friend if I live in a 'cool' place. But there is no reason to think that's true. Maybe everyone just uses the distance as an excuse. And the few friends who regularly make an effort don't live in the 'cool' places anyway.

I'm now leaning towards staying here until Kanika dies of old age or I am able to buy a house, whichever happens first. I'm guessing 5 years, because it will take at least 2 to even gather a down payment. I don't want to move Kanika more than one more time, because she loves it here and I would hate to take her from happy and free to forever cooped up in a tiny apartment or worse, bedroom.

So as a sort of experiment, I am going to invest in this house again. I had been really avoidant of everything about it because I kept thinking I was gonna leave in a month. I just bought myself a set of wire cubes and cloth baskets to help me make my closet usable, and just finally cleared out a MASSIVE hoard of recycling (with my friend Sande's help). I'm gonna see if I can make it feel like a home.
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belenen: (Default)
Monday ··· 5·29·17 ··· 06:19 pm
2016 summary: some of the best weeks and worst months of my life.
icon: "confused (photo of a purple diamond-shaped sign with a line leading to four arrows all curving and pointing in different directions)"

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

( detailed events )
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belenen: (Default)
Sunday ··· 5·28·17 ··· 09:23 pm
2016 summary: some of the best weeks and worst months of my life.
icon: "confused (photo of a purple diamond-shaped sign with a line leading to four arrows all curving and pointing in different directions)"

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

( detailed events )
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Wednesday ··· 8·17·16 ··· 11:59 pm
tips for poor cat caretakers on how to choose a cat food (most of the cat food sold is bad for cats)
icon: "kanika kitty (a photo of my black cat Kanika in profile, backlit, with their golden eyes staring forward)"

About 7 years ago, I learned that most cat food contains ingredients that are bad for cats. I've since picked up some additional knowledge that I want to share. I'm no expert, but it is almost impossible to find good information as the only "healthy cat" information out there seems aimed at rich people, so this is what I've pieced together. In general, cats are healthiest on an all-wet-food diet but if you're poor (like me) that ain't happenin. Here's what to look for when you're figuring out what to get:

Seek out:
1) meat as the first ingredient and preferably the first 2-3 ingredients (if it has 'meal' after it, it does not count as meat: that's including ground bone & skin).
2) food with the highest protein & fat percentages (as long as your cat is pretty active).

Avoid (if you can't avoid it entirely, choose the option that has them listed later on in the ingredients (they're ordered by proportion):
1) avoid anything that has meat by-products listed as an ingredient. Not only are these gross, but they can make your cat food go rancid and then your cat either won't eat it or will get sick.
2) avoid corn and grains. Corn and grains will make your cat eat more because they are not getting enough nutrition; eventually your cat may get diabetes because of this.
3) avoid vegetables in the first few ingredients, especially especially high-carbohydrate ones. Some high-fiber veggies like peas can actually be good, especially on an all-dry diet, but it should be a fairly low percent.

It is not necessarily the more expensive the better: Iams is just horrible and costs more than Maxximum, for instance. Also, when you buy the food with less filler, cats eat less, so the cost isn't as big of a difference as you might think.

Relatedly:
* When cats are kittens, feed them regular, recommended amounts, and don't give extra. Once they are very used to this, you can just fill the bowl and leave it and (usually) they will only eat what they need. As long as they are getting enough exercise they should be fine.
* Cats need daily exercise; if you play with them with toys while they are kittens they will continue to play when they are older, but if they don't get this early training they may not be active enough to be fully healthy as an adult.
* When cats are over 7 years old, they'll probably need wet food as well as dry or else they might end up with urinary tract blockages, because they don't have much of a thirst drive.
* Tuna fish is bad for cats due to high mercury content and can cause nerve problems as cats age.

I order my cat food via Amazon because it's significantly cheaper that way. For wet food, I get Natural Balance Platefulls and mix it with Rachael Ray Nutrish Natural (I don't recommend the Rachael Ray, but if I just give Kanika the healthy stuff they won't eat it more than once a week, and that's not enough to keep UTIs away) and for dry food I get Blue Buffalo Sensitive Stomach and mix it with Merrick Purrfect Bistro Healthy Kitten (because of good ingredients, relatively low price (it's usually about $15 for 7lbs), and good protein/fat/etc ratio). I give wet food every other day (because I can't afford every day) and leave dry food out at all times. If money wasn't an issue, I'd probably make other choices (no 'chicken meal' and no grains at all), but these are the ones I feel like I can manage.
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belenen: (disassociative)
Tuesday ··· 7·5·16 ··· 10:20 pm
anxiety very high for days / Kanika injured, vet visit, healing now / meds issue / all the stresses
icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

I have had really high anxiety for the past five days. Eating became really difficult; I've managed a food bar once a day and other than that it has been a struggle. I don't know if this is situational or because they gave me a different anxiety pill (same med, supposedly, but by a different manufacturer) but I have not been able to calm myself down like I should.


At like 3am on Friday I realized that my cat had an abscess on their butt, and after googling concluded that it was a ruptured anal sac which required antibiotics at the least. I frantically looked for options to take Kanika to the vet, and sent out emails, then went to sleep and when I woke up, called everyone who had responded and asked about payment plans or other options. No one would do payment plans for any cost less than $200, and the quote I got for the cost of Kanika's needs ranged between $85-150, when all I had was $30. One vet office gave me the number of a person who offers free vet care, and I called them and left a message despite thinking it wouldn't work. (that vet office is the one I will most definitely use next time I actually have money)

They called me back later that night and said they were offering care the next morning and could help Kanika. I was hugely relieved but also in disbelief, and couldn't really believe I was getting free care until I was actually in the RV which was set up as a mobile exam room. Kanika was fairly easy to put in the carrier, which scared me because they are never docile, and they were purring with distress when I was trying to put them in. I held Kanika's scruff as the vet examined their wound, and I think that the fact that I was able to stay and talk with Kanika the whole time made it much less traumatic. The vet said that the wound was open and draining so didn't need cleaning or lancing, then gave them a shot, shaved the area, and finally expressed the anal sacs, which was very painful and Kanika grabbed and bit me without thinking (not very hard, but enough to leave marks).

After Kanika was finished and back in the carrier, the vet gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me I could get them free at Publix, then gave me a little speech and pamphlet about their love for God. I thanked them and told them that when I get my next job I will donate. I felt awkward because while I do worship the same deity, Jesus isn't my only one and while I felt a resonance with them living out their faith in this way, I felt like they'd be insulted if I told them that I'm similar. Maybe they wouldn't be, but *shrugs* So I just smiled and nodded at them and left.

I'm still worried about Kanika because the wound is so wide open and they lick it every day. I don't know how it will heal. I have to give them antibiotics every 12 hours, which sets a constant rolling deadline which I find very anxiety-inducing. I also just discovered they have worms again so I ordered medicine for that but I'm stressed at the delay before I can give them the meds.


Also I'm constantly running a background mourning about Kylei, and I'm worried about a friend who is going through an intense loss. I'm also deeply concerned about another friend who has a major event happening this week that decides their quality of life, essentially. I am part of this event as a support, and am empathetically so anxious for it to be done, and done in the best possible way. And also, at the end of this week the application for my dream job closes, and I plan to go in to the office with letters of recommendation and try to wrangle an interview or at least a good impression, and I am mega scared of doing that. Also I have only gotten one of the promised letters so far and I feel bad sending more than two reminders but I know I must.

So the fact that my anxiety has been so high for days could have nothing to do with the pills and be purely situational. But the pills also are a fucking stress because they only gave me a 15 day supply for almost as much as it costs to buy a 30 day supply by the other manufacturer, because my psychiatrist wrote the instructions down wrong (it's supposed to be 1.5 pills per day of 30mg, not 3 pills per day of 15mg). And I have to go fix this somehow and I'm so angry that they didn't listen to me when I was there and they made me think I was getting my normal pills, not this fucking inadequate pile of shit.

Ugh. The good news is it seems to finally be letting up a bit. Yesterday I could barely do anything but today I did manage to tidy my room (only a little bit, but still), work on my timeline, and make myself a real meal and actually finish eating it. And I wrote this. I hate how my thinking gets stuck now, and I can't just be like "okay brain, let's be logical. What is the worst possibility, and how would you handle it? See, life would still be worth living" and then move on. Even though I use the same coping skills, they just don't work if the anxiety is based on an upset system rather than the situation that it is pretending is the problem. My brain won't even drop it for a minute when it's in that state.
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belenen: (exuviate)
Monday ··· 4·11·16 ··· 06:08 pm
relationships: Topaz, Kylei, Heather, Hannah, Allison, Sande, Roger, Cass, Rocky, Arizona, Tinder
icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

So I have a goal of examining all of my connections every 2-3 months, to help me stay aware and keep from getting into any ruts. I'm a bit late but I think that's because March was muddy for me with literally everyone, and I couldn't have explained much of anything.

My relationship with Topaz is still quite muddy. Today our break ends and we're going to see each other for the first time in three weeks. I'm quite nervous actually. I feel like I've realized ways I can change to make our connection more healthy for both of us. One of the main things is that I go a bit too far in trying not to pressure them; if I think they may want something and be afraid to ask for it, I offer it as if I have no preference one way or the other. Often this is upsetting for them because it makes them feel like I don't care about something that I do care about, which is confusing and sometimes hurtful. I talked about it vaguely with Heather last week, and then today I did it out of habit and it hurt Topaz' feelings, and we talked about this habit and I told Topaz I would work on being more frank with them and practice trusting them to assert their needs and desires. Last week I also told Topaz, "I want to be able to trust that if I say 'I have a need' you will react by reflecting on what you can possibly do to meet that need, and then telling me what steps you will try and what you think the likely outcome will be." They said they can do that. I think these two things will help me to not get stuck in a pattern of subverting my needs.

I had a clash with Kylei that lasted way longer than usual (more than 2 weeks), because I kept trying to arrange time to talk about it and it kept not happening, which was the very thing I was upset about. We finally did talk about it -- I told them that usually when plans don't work out it is disappointing but not hurtful because it's true for everyone, but lately I have seen them prioritize other things but not me. And that it feels impossible to believe that I am important to them when with other things that are important to them, they find a way and make it happen but with me they don't. They agreed that they hadn't been prioritizing time with me and that they were sorry about it but didn't know why it was happening. We talked about making plans but this month is too full, so we have a maybe plan for the first week of May. I feel better, not angry or frustrated any more, but I still feel in limbo and I feel sad and a bit hopeless about the idea of ever being reliably close again. If there isn't a cause that can be found, there isn't a cure that can be found.

Heather and I have spent time together recently that was very nourishing for me (and hopefully for them). A few months ago at their birthday party I had the urge to kiss them, and asked -- they said yes and we kissed very briefly. Then about a week after that I asked to kiss them again and it was brief again and I felt some hesitation (at least this is how I remember it but my memory is not great) so I asked them if there was hesitation and why, and they said it was emotionally complicated and we should talk about it later. When we did get time to talk about it, they explained that they feel we are not compatible for a romantic relationship, because of what they see me wanting from a romantic connection. I talked with them a bit about it because I felt like they were going on outdated information, but the sum of it was that anything romantic is not desired for now, at least. I feel a little weird that there is this "off limits" bit just because I'm not used to it existing, but it doesn't reduce anything.

The next time we hung out we talked about how we process things, and Heather mentioned that the main thing they give is not a thing I value (validating people's feelings), but I don't consider that the main thing they offer me at all! I think the thing they give to me the most, which I value so intensely, is a new perspective on things. Almost every time (I don't have the memory to be able to say for sure every time) we have a significant conversation they tell me something that makes me go "oh wow I hadn't realized / didn't know that" and that is literally my favorite thing a person can do. Realizing or learning something new, especially about the way people work or the way I work, is the most nourishing thing for me. More than eye contact, more than cuddles, more than people showing curiosity about me. And this in itself is a new realization which I had because of this conversation with Heather. I feel very nourished by our friendship.

( more - this is a long one )
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belenen: (dreamy)
Monday ··· 2·1·16 ··· 09:07 pm
dreams (drowning a rapist / ignored at my b-day / dinosaurs kill the noisy people / rescued kanika)
icon: "dreamy (a painting by pupasoul of a human figure in a cage, holding a hand out from which radiates light and squiggly sparkly vines of energy)"

Here are some old dreams that never got posted:

May 14, 2015:
hannah-my-hannah came to visit me and we were at a mossy creek taking photos. such magic.

June 10, 2015: ( drowned a rapist but they wouldn't die )

June 12, 2015:
Dreamed that it was my birthday and everyone came but then ignored me and talked only to each other.

July 5, 2015: ( dinosaurs killing noisy people )

July 14, 2015:
dreamed I was in a giant second-hand shop w a copperhead whose mouth opened up to the size of 2 dinner plates. had to find & rescue Kanika.

September 1, 2015: ( dinosaurs w glowing heads, colors witch, other magic, then Aurilion shows up at my trauma graduation )
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belenen: (dreamy)
Friday ··· 7·24·15 ··· 10:43 pm
dreams (kanika is in public w me / weird pregnant nun cult red strings / dream-met spiritkin)
icon: "dreamy (a painting by pupasoul of a human figure in a cage, holding a hand out from which radiates light and squiggly sparkly vines of energy)"

15-07-21
Last night i dreamed that i was working at a shop like wal-mart only i was moving slower than ever. At first it was partly in defiance but then i got frustrated and tried to go faster but couldn't. Then the boss called me outside to the middle of a huge group of dining tables where people were sitting and eating, to critique my performance. It was a deliberate attempt at humiliation and i wept in rage and embarrassment. Kanika came running out to comfort me and the audience was moved and was on my side. Later i was at a coffee shop and Kanika came in and sat on my hip/back (somehow this wasn't uncomfortable in the dream). Later I was in a tiny house or fresh-built cabin w my biofamily and some people came over, including someone i just met who i have a crush on. I talked with them and flirted in my awkward non-flirty way. Later we all played truth-or-truth and i got them to be involved by doing a round of political questions (which in waking life sounds terrible).

Then there was this weird bit where i was a nun in a weird cult and was taken to a house where i would live with other nuns, and as i went up the stairs i felt a strange pulling in my crotch, which turned out to be a network of red strings that had been attached to it coming loose. There was a woman lying on a bed covered in blood, with an open wound going up her abdomen. The people bringing me in said that she should have been moved already, this wasn't meant for me to see. Apparently she had given birth and the baby died, and she stopped her bleeding with an herbal remedy, and that was sacrilege as she was supposed to yield to chance (god). When i realized, i went up and asked why she did it, because now they were going to kill her and she traded .00001 chance for none at all. She said she had to do what she could, and handed me the vial she used. I started to take more out to apply to the wound but she said that if i didn't have the capacity to help her escape it would be wasted, to keep it and use it sneakily with feigned prayer instead. She gave me her other powders and i was frantic figuring out what to do with them. Then i was told to pack up her things, including the dress i was wearing (??) so i switched to another dress (from a short black and white one to an ankle-length dark brown one, very baggy, with pockets) and packed up her things as they took her from the room. The other nuns helped me, one in particular who poured their starbucks coffee into the bag so that i could put the herbs into the cup and hide them with the lid. I added absorbent things including rolls of toilet paper and hoped it wouldn't leak out. The soon-to-be-dead nun's bed was going to be mine. Later one of the people came back and put new strings on my crotch. I was worried that they'd go into my flesh but instead they wove around my legs and hips like a harness.
_____

15-07-23
Dream: more real than waking. I hugged someone at a pagan discussion group and the hug felt so perfect we didn't want to let go. We felt very well matched and they told me they wanted to have deep and penetrating... didn't finish the sentence but in the dream it was clear that it wasn't sex they meant but that sex might be included (it sounds way more overt in waking life: in the dream sex was a hint, not the point). I felt perfect resonance w them. They were my height or maybe an inch taller and my size, maybe a little smaller. I think they had 3 young kids and were a single parent? or they were watching someone's kids? Our connection felt like apples which in later dream was explained as artichokes (???) I think their name was Kristy or something similar?

Also there was a part w traveling underground to a stone chamber w a square open to the sky. Felt elated at rain and thunder, danced, and sensed when we needed to move because of potential lightning strike and warned people successfully. Older male people were like, "Give way to us," and I laughed and ignored them, but shared the space rather than punishing them.
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belenen: (pensive)
Wednesday ··· 7·22·15 ··· 11:59 pm
Shoulder pain / Kanika's health and food
icon: "pensive (my face at a 3/4ths angle, looking down, with a pensive expression. I am wearing a dark purple glitter goatee, and behind me is a sunny forest.)"

My shoulder which has now been hurting for two weeks got so bad today that I took acetaminophen and ibuprofen and it is still just aching very badly. I don't understand it. I'm bringing my exercise ball to work tomorrow and hopefully that will help.

But in encouraging news Kanika seems to feel much better. I went googling trying to find the ideal diet for a cat who gets recurring UTIs and apparently dry food is just all around a bad choice health wise? That many cats are chronically dehydrated because they have a low thirst drive and need to eat their liquids? So I've started mixing Kanika's dry food with hot water and flaked up freeze-dried turkey, and they're eating it with seeming enjoyment (I was really worried they wouldn't). When I can afford it, I'm gonna try getting them a pet fountain. Tellingly, they're playing more - they brought me a toy to throw both yesterday and today. I am dreading ever having to go out of town now, because it is a lot harder to find someone to come over daily, but I feel like I have hit on a solution that will keep them happier and healthier.
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Friday ··· 4·10·15 ··· 08:56 pm
cleaning / Kanika and stress / what did I miss?
icon: "kanika kitty (a photo of my cat Kanika in profile and backlit, looking like Bastet)"

*whew* just finished a massive cleaning project. the upstairs toilet stopped working so I cleaned the shit out of the downstairs bathroom -- literally. Kanika had pooped on the floor. Even though their litter box is 1ft by 3 ft, they won't use it for poop 99.99% of the time even if it is JUST SCOOPED. Today as I was scooping out the pee blobs, Kanika watched and then as soon as I was done, hopped in and peed. I scooped it, and then they climbed in and pooped! First time they have pooped in the box in years -- apparently the trick is that I have to be waiting around to scoop it out of the otherwise perfectly clean box, and then I have to scoop pee BEFORE they will poop. (I checked both poop and pee -- healthy, yay!) Good grief. Instead I put some newspaper down after cleaning the floor, hoping they'll use that (but not very optimistic about it). They've also been stressed, which means that some of the poop was diarrhea. I already treated for fleas and worms, so I know that isn't the problem -- honestly I think they have been absorbing my stress from the past month as they are extremely empathetic. I ordered some feliway refills which just came in today and I have plugged those in, and my stress has dropped to manageable levels this week, so hopefully they will be calm and happy and stop overgrooming (the overgrooming also decreased this week, to my relief).

Also, because March was such an overwhelming month, my checking my flist was spotty and I may have missed something. So, if you wrote about:
1) something that is essential to who you are or illuminates your history, or
2) something that has great emotional importance to you, or
3) something that made you feel really good to write, or
4) something that you would specifically like my input on or just want me to see (and I haven't already commented),
please post the links below! I'll screen comments in case that helps. I'm not asking out of politeness, I would ideally read back through everything but now that LJ is having a renaissance (yay!) there is no way I can really go a month back through everyone (boo!). If you didn't write anything that falls in any of those categories, please don't apologize. The other stuff is important too, it's just important in a series way rather than a one-off way.
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belenen: (waterstar)
Thursday ··· 9·25·14 ··· 02:45 am
weekly meditation / coming forth & Kanika / beginning work on my book of magic / Kylei & ritual
Taking time out of sleep for this, because it is important.

Lately I've been meditating weekly with some combination of Abby, Kei-Won-Tia, and Anika, and it's been surprisingly (to me) nourishing. I started doing it because I wanted more time with Abby and wanted to help motivate Abby to meditate since ze says it's really helpful to zir, but I've never really gotten much from meditation and I didn't expect it to build on itself. I think we've been doing it for about 6 weeks now and I do it a little differently each time. Sometimes I hold an object from my altar, sometimes I visualize, sometimes I look through an oracle deck and pull things that seem to have a message for me that day, sometimes I chant, sometimes I just reflect on my life. But every time, I set my blue pillow in front of my light box and absorb the light while I do this.

Today, I was reading through the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day, stopping when I got to spells that felt good and chanting them out loud. When I got to a spell about my heart and started reading it out loud, I almost cried, I don't know why, it just felt so strong, and Kanika, who was laying across the room, jumped up and RAN over and climbed in my lap and purred and purred. I put aside the book after a second chant of that verse and put both hands around zir and ze was content and happy about it! (ze usually does not like to be held in any surrounding way) Kanika is very energetically sensitive - I have seen zir interact with spirits (I checked carefully to be sure there were no tiny bugs for zir to be staring at), and when I do magic things ze likes to be in it, but I have never seen zir react so suddenly and strongly.

After that experience (my second time reading out loud from this) I realized I wanted to make a book of magic. I had wanted to for a while but didn't feel like I had enough to put in it. I want to put in the spells from the Chapters of Coming-forth by Day that resonate with me, and the bits of the Bible that resonate enough for recitation, and bits from my favorite other books that I could read out loud and feel nourished by, as well as any spells I make, any rituals I create, any affirmations I write. I started menstruating today, and I am going to use some of my blood as watercolor paint to bind the book to me. Allison made me a book years and years ago, for my 22nd birthday (auspicious number!) and I was always afraid of using it because it's so fucking beautiful, but this is perfect.

Kylei came over tonight and we talked about magic some, and ze participated in a cleansing ritual I did for the 70s suitcase I got to house either my journals or letters, not sure which yet. Ze also wrote some in a book ze has been using for sacred writing for many years, and shared this with me. I just barely began my work on my magic book, but it was enough, I have begun.
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Friday ··· 3·14·14 ··· 01:18 am
prompt 12: my connection with Kanika, from adoption to now.
[livejournal.com profile] sabr gave me this prompt for March 12: This is my horse, TC Nighthawk's birthday. I have a close relationship with him, and we are very close in age - I want to know more about your connection with animals, and where they fit in/shape/improve your life. Tell me about an important connection you have to any particular animal, past or present!

I like this prompt (sorry about it not being on the right day!); I want to tell the story of my relationship with Kanika, because it is certainly an important connection.

I got Kanika as a kitten of about 2 months old, nine years ago. When I met zir, I knew ze was mine when I held zir on zir back in my hands and looked at zir little face, and ze just lay there calmly and made eye contact with me for a minute. Now if you've met Kanika, this should blow your mind; ze doesn't like being held, and would never tolerate being on zir back and not fighting. I think it was just that ze was distracted with my gaze. Ze was a squirmy little thing and a wild teenager; my ex-partner who lived with me then thought ze would never listen to anything. But I'm a very patient person, and I knew that repetition was the key; now I can ask zir to move and ze will, unless ze's feeling threatened, and ze waits patiently when being fed instead of shoving zir face in the way.

When very young ze did like to be held; this changed when ze was sitting on my lap one day and I was petting zir during an argument with my then-partner, who slapped Kanika out of my hand and across the room out of anger at me. (if not for the fact that my ex then cried for literal hours and my belief at the time that marriage meant forever, that would have been the end of our time together. ze never did anything like that again) I was terrified but Kanika was unharmed physically; however ze does not trust people. It was that trust-breaking moment that was the reason ze doesn't like being picked up and rejected it entirely for years. I believe in respecting the wishes of other beings, so I will pick Kanika up when ze is being friendly, but as soon as ze meows I put zir down. Sometimes ze meows as soon as zir feet leave the floor, sometimes it's a while later, sometimes ze doesn't meow at all but I can tell ze is done and wants to be put down and I do it without zir asking. Ze sometimes likes to be hugged loosely and petted when ze's sitting on my desk right at waist level, and when ze wants to do that ze will come over and put front paws on my leg and meow (if ze's being polite) or just jump up (when I usually give a quick pet and hug and then put zir back on the floor). Ze sleeps at my feet a lot when I am at my computer, and always comes to lay on me for a minute when I first get in bed.

( photos and videos, apologies for poor quality on most of them )

Kanika has bonded with people I've lived with, to the point that when I didn't have a good place for Kanika ze lived with Arizona and I would have left zir there. I would not miss Kanika very much if I knew ze was in a safe space where ze felt cared for. Ze's not my baby, ze's more like a sibling (with pretty intense social anxiety). I love zir but we don't have the bond I had with my other cats. Maybe this will change over time, as ze seems to be getting more relaxed, but I still have to be on guard with zir. We've never reached a place where I can just trust zir to not lash out (though I can trust zir not to cause damage, but the lashing out feels like a slap to the face and it takes a while to calm down from). I feel deep understanding of why ze does things, so I don't resent them, but they keep us distant.

I think another reason Kanika is anxious is that in the early days of me having zir, I was working through childhood sexual abuse and was in a state of terror pretty often, and Kanika is very empathetic. I couldn't leave the house alone and if the apartment yard maintenance people came by I ran into my room and hid (holding an axe no less), and Kanika ran with me. I think this taught zir some fear of strangers. Ze still gets really freaked out if someone knocks, leaps up and looks scared like I used to when strangers would come around. Ze's still anxious around people but it is much lessened now that there are no other cats or people living with us; ze can even hang out when there are guests without freaking out.

Kanika's sensitivity to energy also means that if someone touches zir -- or reaches to touch zir -- who has bouncy energy, ze reacts as if that person literally bounced a rubber ball on zir. And even with me there are a limit to the amount of strokes ze can handle before being overstimulated. It also means that sometimes when I'm sick or in pain (physical or emotional), ze comes and kneads me, rubs on me, tolerates more holding than usual. When I'm doing magic, ze comes and sits within the energy of it, or climbs on top of things (when I'm crafting this is not as true, so I feel sure it's the energy of it and not the mere activity of it). So despite not feeling very close in some ways, I feel like we do have an important connection. I value zir company and love zir in all zir anxious, cranky, clever, playful, beautiful, sensitive glory.
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Tuesday ··· 8·6·13 ··· 04:21 pm
Kanika is happy and less anxious now
Kanika is definitely the happiest ze has ever been. Ze spends most of zir time alone in a lot of space where there are no other animals, with plenty of windows for entertainment and a load of soft things to lay on. When I'm home we play or cuddle, or ze curls up at my feet while I'm on the computer (to overlap energy with me). Ze has not had a stress-free home since 2009, due to sharing space with cats and/or humans ze disliked. It's amazing how zir anxiety has lessened -- at the last two gathers, ze greeted everybody and attacked no one, and even sat in someone's lap for a minute. Ze actually enjoys company now, I think, and doesn't feel the need to be in the middle of everything making sure nothing bad happens (and then overreacting to swishy pants and bouncy energy). Ze goes outside a few times a week and even though ze has had run-ins with other cats, isn't fearful. Zir coat is as soft as a kitten's, and ze stopped overgrooming (something ze does when stressed) months ago. Ze likes being held (by me) once a day (instead of once every two weeks) and will occasionally come to me, stand on back paws with front paws on me and meow, get a few pets, then go away content.

Also I'm starting to realize that ze is even smarter than I thought, because ze is getting more cooperative. I am used to having to repeat myself and gesture to get zir to do things, and there was no way to tell if it was obstinacy or obtuseness -- til now. I'll ask zir to move over (for instance) without even gesturing and ze will do it immediately (not all the time, of course), so now I know every time ze stared at me and made me repeat myself, ze was just being a shit and knew exactly what I wanted.

I had a dream recently that Kanika was friends with an adult orange female cat, and now I want to adopt one. I'd like to get a kitten but I am not home enough to give the attention it would need. I'm planning to keep my eye out because orange females are rare, and if I find one I will try to adopt it if Kanika allows.
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belenen: (progressing)
Sunday ··· 2·26·12 ··· 07:25 pm
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )
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belenen: (progressing)
Sunday ··· 2·26·12 ··· 07:25 pm
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )
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belenen: (garrulous)
Sunday ··· 3·13·11 ··· 06:25 am
random -- yay LJing! / school and money stress / body changes / Kanika is staying at Serendipity
( blatherings about happiness over LJing again ) I'd forgotten just how RICH it is to write here, and how wonderful I feel when I look at my journal and see my thoughts painted out and framed. It's been bugging me for a long time that I haven't been writing but I just haven't had the pull because most of my LJ inspirations have also been posting less (or moved to dreamwidth, which I could just never get into because I couldn't take my custom style with me and I'm so attached to it). Now I've been talking to Hannah, which sort of puts me in the right mindspace for writing, and I've gotten back in contact with Aurilion, who is writing (♥ ♥ ♥!!!) in the style I do, which makes me feel all kinds of fingersmacky.

( talk about stress )

( talk about body changes )

Also Serendipity has adopted Kanika, or perhaps the other way around. I went to visit this weekend and 'Nika had pretty clearly decided that Arizona is zir new person (though ze was excited to see me and went back and forth, so I've not been forgotten), and as they were willing to keep zir, it seemed right. I'll miss zir a lot but I know ze will be happier in one place and I'll probably keep being a tumbleweed so it would just stress us both out.
sounds: Beats Antique - Spiderbite | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (garrulous)
Sunday ··· 3·13·11 ··· 06:25 am
random -- yay LJing! / school and money stress / body changes / Kanika is staying at Serendipity
( blatherings about happiness over LJing again ) I'd forgotten just how RICH it is to write here, and how wonderful I feel when I look at my journal and see my thoughts painted out and framed. It's been bugging me for a long time that I haven't been writing but I just haven't had the pull because most of my LJ inspirations have also been posting less (or moved to dreamwidth, which I could just never get into because I couldn't take my custom style with me and I'm so attached to it). Now I've been talking to Hannah, which sort of puts me in the right mindspace for writing, and I've gotten back in contact with Aurilion, who is writing (♥ ♥ ♥!!!) in the style I do, which makes me feel all kinds of fingersmacky.

( talk about stress )

( talk about body changes )

Also Serendipity has adopted Kanika, or perhaps the other way around. I went to visit this weekend and 'Nika had pretty clearly decided that Arizona is zir new person (though ze was excited to see me and went back and forth, so I've not been forgotten), and as they were willing to keep zir, it seemed right. I'll miss zir a lot but I know ze will be happier in one place and I'll probably keep being a tumbleweed so it would just stress us both out.
sounds: Beats Antique - Spiderbite | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
Monday ··· 1·24·11 ··· 11:37 pm
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )
sounds: Halou - Oceanwide | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
Monday ··· 1·24·11 ··· 11:37 pm
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )
sounds: Halou - Oceanwide | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (plant magic)
Wednesday ··· 1·13·10 ··· 05:16 am
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )
sounds: Levi Weaver - Of Bridges Burned | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (Default)
Wednesday ··· 1·13·10 ··· 05:16 am
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )
sounds: Levi Weaver - Of Bridges Burned | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (christmassy)
Sunday ··· 12·27·09 ··· 11:59 pm
Christmas surprise orchestrated by Ash & S, involving Anna & Shel & Kate & Kay & Nikki & & &!!!
So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D
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belenen: (christmassy)
Sunday ··· 12·27·09 ··· 11:59 pm
Christmas surprise orchestrated by Ash & S, involving Anna & Shel & Kate & Kay & Nikki & & &!!!
So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Friday ··· 11·6·09 ··· 01:29 am
Blue and Kanika talk through my door:
Blue: *chirrup* [wanna be friends?]
Kanika: *hisssssss* [I will DESTROY you!]
Blue: *chirrup* [but srsly, we could be friends!]
Kanika: *growwwwwwwwwwwl* [every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.]
Blue: *chirrup* ['cmon, you know you wanna be friends]
Kanika: *growwllll* [I'm your worst nightmare. You could not conceive of the suffering I will inflict upon you!]
Blue: *chirrup!**chirrup* [I don't believe it! I like you!]
Kanika: .... *hissssssssssss* [what the fuck is your problem? I'M THREATENING YOU DAMMIT]
Blue: *chirrup!* [I'm sure you will be my best friend in just a minute!]
Kanika: ....... *walks off*
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Friday ··· 11·6·09 ··· 01:29 am
Blue and Kanika talk through my door:
Blue: *chirrup* [wanna be friends?]
Kanika: *hisssssss* [I will DESTROY you!]
Blue: *chirrup* [but srsly, we could be friends!]
Kanika: *growwwwwwwwwwwl* [every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what "to the pain" means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.]
Blue: *chirrup* ['cmon, you know you wanna be friends]
Kanika: *growwllll* [I'm your worst nightmare. You could not conceive of the suffering I will inflict upon you!]
Blue: *chirrup!**chirrup* [I don't believe it! I like you!]
Kanika: .... *hissssssssssss* [what the fuck is your problem? I'M THREATENING YOU DAMMIT]
Blue: *chirrup!* [I'm sure you will be my best friend in just a minute!]
Kanika: ....... *walks off*
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belenen: (progressing)
Tuesday ··· 10·6·09 ··· 05:12 am
bullets: ex-partner, Viv, moving, Kanika, LJ Idol
  • Nothing's really changed with my ex since the comments-disabled post I made, but it's only when ze and I talk about us that I feel awful. Most of the time I'm just sort of neutral about it.

  • Last week Viv and I talked about our relationship and how neither of us want to do a long-distance romance; it was a really wonderful talk, very open, and I felt a strong peace about it -- it just felt like the right time to shift the direction of things. Then the party/concert/show that Viv organized to raise money for moving fell through at the last minute (the DJ forgot about it!!!) so ze's going to be staying here for a bit longer. I don't know what that means for us, 'cause we haven't had a real talk since then, but I'm pretty comfortable either way. I'm still very much in love with Viv but I'm more relaxed about it because now I feel pretty confident that we're going to maintain our connection.

  • I'm hopefully going to be moving within the month! and sharing a flat with Ash! I've been daydreaming so much about how my room is going to look ♥ and I've been packing/organizing/donating, which feels strangely delightful and really cleansing. For some reason separating from my ex gives me permission to finally let go of things I've held on to even though the joy of them has passed. ( Kanika's going to be staying with my ex )

  • I'm considering participating in [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol this season, but I'm on the fence and need a push one way or the other. Those of you who were on my flist back then, what do you think? did you enjoy the prompted entries when I did it last time? or did it change the tone of my LJ too much? did the weekly call for votes annoy you? Other thoughts? I have to decide this week so share your spectacularly useful opinions please!
sounds: Jonezetta - Backstabber | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (progressing)
Tuesday ··· 10·6·09 ··· 05:12 am
bullets: ex-partner, Viv, moving, Kanika, LJ Idol
  • Nothing's really changed with my ex since the comments-disabled post I made, but it's only when ze and I talk about us that I feel awful. Most of the time I'm just sort of neutral about it.

  • Last week Viv and I talked about our relationship and how neither of us want to do a long-distance romance; it was a really wonderful talk, very open, and I felt a strong peace about it -- it just felt like the right time to shift the direction of things. Then the party/concert/show that Viv organized to raise money for moving fell through at the last minute (the DJ forgot about it!!!) so ze's going to be staying here for a bit longer. I don't know what that means for us, 'cause we haven't had a real talk since then, but I'm pretty comfortable either way. I'm still very much in love with Viv but I'm more relaxed about it because now I feel pretty confident that we're going to maintain our connection.

  • I'm hopefully going to be moving within the month! and sharing a flat with Ash! I've been daydreaming so much about how my room is going to look ♥ and I've been packing/organizing/donating, which feels strangely delightful and really cleansing. For some reason separating from my ex gives me permission to finally let go of things I've held on to even though the joy of them has passed. ( Kanika's going to be staying with my ex )

  • I'm considering participating in [livejournal.com profile] therealljidol this season, but I'm on the fence and need a push one way or the other. Those of you who were on my flist back then, what do you think? did you enjoy the prompted entries when I did it last time? or did it change the tone of my LJ too much? did the weekly call for votes annoy you? Other thoughts? I have to decide this week so share your spectacularly useful opinions please!
sounds: Jonezetta - Backstabber | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (eccentric)
Tuesday ··· 4·14·09 ··· 11:25 pm
my typical day
My typical day probably sounds very boring from the outside, because most of it happens inside my head. I have two kinds of days; when-my-partner-works and when-my-partner's-off. (when I have a visitor it's all random)

A 'when-my-partner-works' day (when I am on my preferred schedule) starts by waking up about an hour after my partner has gone to work (which varies from day to day). It goes like this:

Morning -- I get up, do some reps on the HealthRider (my goal is 10 per day at half-hour intervals, increasing the length of each set gradually), then set my phone alarm for 30 minutes and read. When it goes off, I work out again and then read again. I generally read an hour of fiction one day and then an hour of non-fiction the next, but sometimes I mix it up and do half an hour of each. Days of reading non-fiction for an hour is often followed by me talking to myself for... quite a while. This is how I compose most of my posts; I speak them out loud to myself, complete with facial expressions and exclamations, occasionally shouting -- I'm sure to someone peeking in I would look quite insane. I'll make myself tea or coffee while ranting to myself. On fiction days I'm generally less overflowing with thought and so I might just sing or dance around or talk to Kanika while making my drink. Then I check my LJ, email, facebook, etc, and have breakfast while watching a show or movie. Thirty minutes after I've eaten I set my alarm to go off in 30 minute intervals (for working out), and interrupt myself each time the alarm goes off (if I don't immediately interrupt I end up procrastinating until it never happens).

Afternoon -- My partner comes home for lunch and I usually read while ze checks zir game & car forums and plays chess and axis & allies online. Sometimes we talk -- it depends how much of a hurry ze is in. If I'm feeling especially kind I might give zir a shoulder massage. I put my contacts in about this time (can't have them in for more than 8 hours so I put them in late). Then ze goes back to work and I get online (mainly LJ, dA, & facebook), make jewelry, read, watch a movie/show, edit photos, clean up, play with Kanika, dance, or write. If it's warm I might put on clothes and go out to a coffeehouse or used book store or secondhand shop or park; if it's cold I generally stay in. (now that it's getting warm I'm finding local events to go to and people to meet)

Evening -- My partner gets home and if it's one of zir 12+ hour days, we have dinner while watching a show (we have certain ones that we only watch together; this is something that makes my partner feel loved, as ze likes doing things together). If it's a shorter day and ze gets off work early enough, we might go out for dinner or for coffee & a drive, or stay in and make love (we make plans for sex; we don't do 'quickies'). Then ze either gets on the computer or goes to bed, and I call Aurilion to talk for an hour or two. Sometimes I edit photos or make jewelry while talking, because those things involve a sort of instinct that doesn't disrupt my concentration on the conversation. Then I'm off to bed, where my partner and I snuggle a little and then 'back-cuddle' (press our backs together) and go to sleep.

( A 'when-my-partner-is-off-work' day varies )
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belenen: (eccentric)
Tuesday ··· 4·14·09 ··· 11:25 pm
my typical day
My typical day probably sounds very boring from the outside, because most of it happens inside my head. I have two kinds of days; when-my-partner-works and when-my-partner's-off. (when I have a visitor it's all random)

A 'when-my-partner-works' day (when I am on my preferred schedule) starts by waking up about an hour after my partner has gone to work (which varies from day to day). It goes like this:

Morning -- I get up, do some reps on the HealthRider (my goal is 10 per day at half-hour intervals, increasing the length of each set gradually), then set my phone alarm for 30 minutes and read. When it goes off, I work out again and then read again. I generally read an hour of fiction one day and then an hour of non-fiction the next, but sometimes I mix it up and do half an hour of each. Days of reading non-fiction for an hour is often followed by me talking to myself for... quite a while. This is how I compose most of my posts; I speak them out loud to myself, complete with facial expressions and exclamations, occasionally shouting -- I'm sure to someone peeking in I would look quite insane. I'll make myself tea or coffee while ranting to myself. On fiction days I'm generally less overflowing with thought and so I might just sing or dance around or talk to Kanika while making my drink. Then I check my LJ, email, facebook, etc, and have breakfast while watching a show or movie. Thirty minutes after I've eaten I set my alarm to go off in 30 minute intervals (for working out), and interrupt myself each time the alarm goes off (if I don't immediately interrupt I end up procrastinating until it never happens).

Afternoon -- My partner comes home for lunch and I usually read while ze checks zir game & car forums and plays chess and axis & allies online. Sometimes we talk -- it depends how much of a hurry ze is in. If I'm feeling especially kind I might give zir a shoulder massage. I put my contacts in about this time (can't have them in for more than 8 hours so I put them in late). Then ze goes back to work and I get online (mainly LJ, dA, & facebook), make jewelry, read, watch a movie/show, edit photos, clean up, play with Kanika, dance, or write. If it's warm I might put on clothes and go out to a coffeehouse or used book store or secondhand shop or park; if it's cold I generally stay in. (now that it's getting warm I'm finding local events to go to and people to meet)

Evening -- My partner gets home and if it's one of zir 12+ hour days, we have dinner while watching a show (we have certain ones that we only watch together; this is something that makes my partner feel loved, as ze likes doing things together). If it's a shorter day and ze gets off work early enough, we might go out for dinner or for coffee & a drive, or stay in and make love (we make plans for sex; we don't do 'quickies'). Then ze either gets on the computer or goes to bed, and I call Aurilion to talk for an hour or two. Sometimes I edit photos or make jewelry while talking, because those things involve a sort of instinct that doesn't disrupt my concentration on the conversation. Then I'm off to bed, where my partner and I snuggle a little and then 'back-cuddle' (press our backs together) and go to sleep.

( A 'when-my-partner-is-off-work' day varies )
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belenen: (eccentric)
Tuesday ··· 4·14·09 ··· 11:25 pm
my typical day
My typical day probably sounds very boring from the outside, because most of it happens inside my head. I have two kinds of days; when-my-partner-works and when-my-partner's-off. (when I have a visitor it's all random)

A 'when-my-partner-works' day (when I am on my preferred schedule) starts by waking up about an hour after my partner has gone to work (which varies from day to day). It goes like this:

Morning -- I get up, do some reps on the HealthRider (my goal is 10 per day at half-hour intervals, increasing the length of each set gradually), then set my phone alarm for 30 minutes and read. When it goes off, I work out again and then read again. I generally read an hour of fiction one day and then an hour of non-fiction the next, but sometimes I mix it up and do half an hour of each. Days of reading non-fiction for an hour is often followed by me talking to myself for... quite a while. This is how I compose most of my posts; I speak them out loud to myself, complete with facial expressions and exclamations, occasionally shouting -- I'm sure to someone peeking in I would look quite insane. I'll make myself tea or coffee while ranting to myself. On fiction days I'm generally less overflowing with thought and so I might just sing or dance around or talk to Kanika while making my drink. Then I check my LJ, email, facebook, etc, and have breakfast while watching a show or movie. Thirty minutes after I've eaten I set my alarm to go off in 30 minute intervals (for working out), and interrupt myself each time the alarm goes off (if I don't immediately interrupt I end up procrastinating until it never happens).

Afternoon -- My partner comes home for lunch and I usually read while ze checks zir game & car forums and plays chess and axis & allies online. Sometimes we talk -- it depends how much of a hurry ze is in. If I'm feeling especially kind I might give zir a shoulder massage. I put my contacts in about this time (can't have them in for more than 8 hours so I put them in late). Then ze goes back to work and I get online (mainly LJ, dA, & facebook), make jewelry, read, watch a movie/show, edit photos, clean up, play with Kanika, dance, or write. If it's warm I might put on clothes and go out to a coffeehouse or used book store or secondhand shop or park; if it's cold I generally stay in. (now that it's getting warm I'm finding local events to go to and people to meet)

Evening -- My partner gets home and if it's one of zir 12+ hour days, we have dinner while watching a show (we have certain ones that we only watch together; this is something that makes my partner feel loved, as ze likes doing things together). If it's a shorter day and ze gets off work early enough, we might go out for dinner or for coffee & a drive, or stay in and make love (we make plans for sex; we don't do 'quickies'). Then ze either gets on the computer or goes to bed, and I call Aurilion to talk for an hour or two. Sometimes I edit photos or make jewelry while talking, because those things involve a sort of instinct that doesn't disrupt my concentration on the conversation. Then I'm off to bed, where my partner and I snuggle a little and then 'back-cuddle' (press our backs together) and go to sleep.

( A 'when-my-partner-is-off-work' day varies )
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Monday ··· 4·13·09 ··· 11:58 pm
cat food / Kanika & Wellness!
[livejournal.com profile] mermaiden wrote a post about food for pets, which got me thinking about cat food and searching for info. I had done a little research before, ( what I did and didn't know )

When I first brought it home, Kanika could smell it through the bag and got excited! so cute! Ze's been on the new food for about three days now, and ze actually seems happier. Just as playful as usual, but friendlier (not so inclined to dart off if you reach to pet zir), and more tolerant of hugs/cuddles and even holding. Not a huge amount of difference, but noticeable -- and I'm hoping it will increase. When I was feeding zir Maxximum, ze would sniff at it when I put it in the bowl and then leave it. With Trader Joe's, ze would sometimes sniff-n-go, but sometimes have a bite or two -- but with Wellness, ze has a good-length munch session immediately after I put it in the bowl!

I also tried it myself and found that it's actually pretty tasty! They say it's human-grade, and you can tell, f'sure. I tried my cat's food way back when my parents were buying the cheapest food possible and boy was it nasty, with an aftertaste that lingered after brushing my teeth. Now I know that there were probably beaks and feet and who-knows-what-else in there and UGH grosssssss.

It's also pretty pricey as cat food goes (about 2.5 times as much as the previous kind), but considering that a month of food is about three coffees, it's definitely within our ability. There was a time when it would have been hard but I think even then I would have wanted to get it if I had known (even would have sacrificed some of my treasured coffee trips!). I'm happy to be able to get the good stuff without difficulty (and know what 'good' is) now ;-)
sounds: Amethystium - Opaque | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Monday ··· 4·13·09 ··· 11:58 pm
cat food / Kanika & Wellness!
[livejournal.com profile] mermaiden wrote a post about food for pets, which got me thinking about cat food and searching for info. I had done a little research before, ( what I did and didn't know )

When I first brought it home, Kanika could smell it through the bag and got excited! so cute! Ze's been on the new food for about three days now, and ze actually seems happier. Just as playful as usual, but friendlier (not so inclined to dart off if you reach to pet zir), and more tolerant of hugs/cuddles and even holding. Not a huge amount of difference, but noticeable -- and I'm hoping it will increase. When I was feeding zir Maxximum, ze would sniff at it when I put it in the bowl and then leave it. With Trader Joe's, ze would sometimes sniff-n-go, but sometimes have a bite or two -- but with Wellness, ze has a good-length munch session immediately after I put it in the bowl!

I also tried it myself and found that it's actually pretty tasty! They say it's human-grade, and you can tell, f'sure. I tried my cat's food way back when my parents were buying the cheapest food possible and boy was it nasty, with an aftertaste that lingered after brushing my teeth. Now I know that there were probably beaks and feet and who-knows-what-else in there and UGH grosssssss.

It's also pretty pricey as cat food goes (about 2.5 times as much as the previous kind), but considering that a month of food is about three coffees, it's definitely within our ability. There was a time when it would have been hard but I think even then I would have wanted to get it if I had known (even would have sacrificed some of my treasured coffee trips!). I'm happy to be able to get the good stuff without difficulty (and know what 'good' is) now ;-)
sounds: Amethystium - Opaque | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Monday ··· 4·13·09 ··· 11:58 pm
cat food / Kanika & Wellness!
[livejournal.com profile] mermaiden wrote a post about food for pets, which got me thinking about cat food and searching for info. I had done a little research before, ( what I did and didn't know )

When I first brought it home, Kanika could smell it through the bag and got excited! so cute! Ze's been on the new food for about three days now, and ze actually seems happier. Just as playful as usual, but friendlier (not so inclined to dart off if you reach to pet zir), and more tolerant of hugs/cuddles and even holding. Not a huge amount of difference, but noticeable -- and I'm hoping it will increase. When I was feeding zir Maxximum, ze would sniff at it when I put it in the bowl and then leave it. With Trader Joe's, ze would sometimes sniff-n-go, but sometimes have a bite or two -- but with Wellness, ze has a good-length munch session immediately after I put it in the bowl!

I also tried it myself and found that it's actually pretty tasty! They say it's human-grade, and you can tell, f'sure. I tried my cat's food way back when my parents were buying the cheapest food possible and boy was it nasty, with an aftertaste that lingered after brushing my teeth. Now I know that there were probably beaks and feet and who-knows-what-else in there and UGH grosssssss.

It's also pretty pricey as cat food goes (about 2.5 times as much as the previous kind), but considering that a month of food is about three coffees, it's definitely within our ability. There was a time when it would have been hard but I think even then I would have wanted to get it if I had known (even would have sacrificed some of my treasured coffee trips!). I'm happy to be able to get the good stuff without difficulty (and know what 'good' is) now ;-)
sounds: Amethystium - Opaque | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (wild)
Saturday ··· 1·10·09 ··· 12:12 pm
important events in 2008 / glowing in brilliant expansion
"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )
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belenen: (wild)
Saturday ··· 1·10·09 ··· 12:12 pm
important events in 2008 / glowing in brilliant expansion
"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )
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belenen: (wild)
Saturday ··· 1·10·09 ··· 12:12 pm
important events in 2008 / glowing in brilliant expansion
"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Thursday ··· 4·17·08 ··· 05:41 pm
Kanika got spayed today and might kill me.
I just got Kanika spayed today and I'm a little afraid ze's waiting until I relax and then ze's gonna kill me *fear* Ze was wild at the vet -- though they said ze had been moderately cooperative until then. And ze hates the pellet litter they told me to get :-/ Ze keeps getting in, scratching a little and then coming to look at me in bewilderment. *worries* And IIIII keep looking over my shoulder in fear. ack! if I suddenly stop posting, you know why.

ETA: ze used it, yay.
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belenen: (kanika kitty)
Thursday ··· 4·17·08 ··· 05:41 pm
Kanika got spayed today and might kill me.
I just got Kanika spayed today and I'm a little afraid ze's waiting until I relax and then ze's gonna kill me *fear* Ze was wild at the vet -- though they said ze had been moderately cooperative until then. And ze hates the pellet litter they told me to get :-/ Ze keeps getting in, scratching a little and then coming to look at me in bewilderment. *worries* And IIIII keep looking over my shoulder in fear. ack! if I suddenly stop posting, you know why.

ETA: ze used it, yay.
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