if you don't want to get it back, it's not a desirable gift
Once I realized that I had developed the habit of stopping and waiting at doors when walking with a male person, I decided that such a habit was not something I wanted to keep; I don't think it's kind for me to expect courtesy instead of sometimes accepting and sometimes offering it. So, probably about a year ago, I started opening and holding the door if I arrived there first, and occasionally skipping ahead to arrive first. (by 'holding the door' I don't mean walking through and holding it just long enough for the other person to catch it -- I mean pulling the door open, stepping aside, and letting the other person through first, then entering also, so that they never have to touch the door) It's been quite interesting to see the reactions to this. Female people who are roughly my age will say thank you and walk through with a slightly confused look on their faces. Female people who are older will say thank you and then hold the door for themselves anyway, as if they fear that I'm going to let it go to hit them.Male people of any age react in very similar ways -- they either say nothing and take the door from me, or they stand well back and say, "no, you first." If I offer a second time some will walk through, but I've actually had some male people refuse again, either verbally or by shaking their heads and pulling the door further open (sometimes forcing me to duck under their arm to get through the door). That has to be the emptiest gesture I can think of -- not only is it illogical and a waste of time/energy (and often creates more work for me, as I have to walk around/under them), but to reject a courtesy is a disrespect that invalidates the respect one could show by holding the door. I think that perhaps the conscious desire is to be perceived as a polite person, but I wonder if perhaps a subconscious reason could be that to accept such a courtesy is not "masculine," and they do not want to lose their masculine image by acting in the assigned role of a female person. (I think that for some it is mere habit, but for those who verbally refuse I think it is more than habit)
But I don't want to have a lengthy conversation with each person who refuses to walk through a door I hold, so I've thought up to use next time this happens; "It's okay, I'm not a lady -- you can let me hold the door for you." (It's not perfect of course because it implies that there is a such thing as a 'lady' and that one cannot let a lady hold the door, but it attacks the assumption that a male person cannot accept help from any female person.) I'd love to hear the thought process that results from that comment!
LJ idol topic 1: "Empty Gestures"
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gender, social justice / feminism, writing prompts (lj idol & etc)
yeah! I can appreciate people being kind to me too, as long as they'll let me return their kindness! ;-)
And I hold the door for people all the time. I get the door for Glen 95% of the time in our relationship; I'm just a quicker walker, and we're used to it.
I don't know why this is. I've been doing it since I was a kid. And a kid opening doors for adults is always viewed with sweet acceptance where I come from. Like 'aw, thank you dear, that's so kind!'
I don't mind when guys open doors for me, or say 'after you.' And I'm glad I've never really had guys make a big deal out of it when I do it for them.
If I lived in a place where the gender bias was so multi-generational and pervasive as what you've just described (it probably is in WA, we're mostly a rural state; but it must express itself in different ways), I'd probably just do what I've always done - insist, say I don't mind. I wouldn't even bring gender into it. Once you say 'you don't mind,' the burden of bringing gender into it in a blatant verbal way falls to the other person; and if they choose to bring gender into it, I'd just say 'it's not about my boobs, I got to the door first.'
Where are you from that this happens to you so much?
Interesting tho, now that I think about it, I would feel a bit strange if someone turned down my act of politeness, irregardless of their gender.
what a great commentary
I have no issue telling people (typically males) who request to take the door from me "It's okay, I can hold it for you." I've only encountered a few males who insist and since it's not worth arguing over, I give in after a moment. To be fair to those males, though, I've watched them take the door from other male friends as well, though it does happen far more often if it's a female holding open the door. I don't think saying something is out of line at all, honestly!
Story Time: This entire entry made me first think of one person: Ryan. He holds the door for everyone, but it was interesting to watch and break the habit of trying to get the car door for me. Once in a while it feels generous and special, but daily made me frustrated until I finally had to ask if women were allowed to get the door themselves. Every so often I'm okay with the kind gesture, but I'm glad he doesn't do it all the time. It felt so weird!
she picked me up at the train station and knew where she was going. I did not, and was carrying three pieces of luggage, so at one point in front of a large crowd of people she got the door for herself. the immediate response from a man right next to me was "pft, typical!" he couldn't possibly have had less respect for me. I became extremely self conscious about being sure to hold the door for her if at all possible in all circumstances. issue being...she didn't particularly care if the door was held, could manage just fine on her own, and I think she was actively annoyed if I went way out of my way to get it for her, though she was kind enough not to make a big deal out of it once she realized how uncomfortable I was.
I was sort of constantly wondering if I was being ableist and/or sexist by prioritizing other people's opinion of me (i.e. not having random strangers bitch at me like they know either of us), and it seemed generally somewhat selfish to put my desire to be seen as a door-getter over her preference for just-treat-me-like-anyone-else...but the embarrassment from that initial comment from an onlooker won out and I opened doors for her at every chance from then on.
I don't think I'd even notice if a woman got the door for me beyond saying thanks. it's kinda surreal people freak out about that with you.
thanks for posting this. My response has typically been: "Oh, no, I'm fine! You go ahead." or "Oh, there's nothing wrong with me, I'm just being courteous :)" (or even simply "there's nothing wrong with me" in a sterner way).
Interesting thoughts... You have my vote for the uniqueness of the entry and excellent writing thoughts.
I hold the door when I can, and most of the time it isn't an issue. I've only had a few experiences where a guy will INSIST that I go in the door before him and make a deal out of it. Usually, though, guys will kind of come up behind me and take the door from me from that way, so that I am kind of forced to go in before them.
In some areas (I've lived there), women are considered weaker, powerless, and thus must have doors opened and held for them by stronger more powerful men in a gesture of psuedo-courtesy. And so, of course men cannot allow women to hold the door for them because it implies that they are weaker than a soft, weak woman. And then of course, the man must force the woman to let him serve her by holding the door. Ridiculous games. Gotta love 'em.
Where I am now, it's a matter of true courtesy to hold the door if you get there first, or if someone you are with has their hands full or is actualy incapable of holding the door for some reason. If a healthy capapbel woman were to stand and wait for someone to hold the door for her, she'd get dirty looks.
A much less empty gesture.
I do try to hold the door for older people, and the older men generally don't allow it (even as they are hobbling).
Nicely written, and good points all. :)
Where I live, people just hold doors open for each other. It's generally whoever gets there first. Sometimes it evolves into the door holding line, where the first person holds the door for the next as they walk through, the next catches it and holds it for the next, then they catch it etc.
It might be that I live in a fairly politically minded, progressive town. It's a little surprising to me that men make such a big deal of women opening doors for them, actually, simply because it's almost never happened to me.