Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, ( I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥

Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, ( I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

Today is my one-year anniversary of soulfriendship with Hannah!!!
((short definition of soulfriendship: a permanent (no-matter-what) relationship where we are completely open and honest with each other, include each other in every aspect of our lives, and continually help each other to grow and change)) I've been so excited! I've been a believer in soulfriendship for years, but never had 'proof' that it could really work. Now I do, because it has. ♥ ((I plan to do a new in-depth description of soulfriendship soon))

One year ago today, we decided to commit soulfriendship to each other. This has been SUCH a force of positive change and growth in both of us, and even though it has often been hard, it has been a fantastic bargain -- the reward is worth the pain, many times over. Developing this soulfriendship has taught me so incredibly much about life and love and the human spirit. And because we are so alike and we entered the relationship with such clear goals, I've learned as much in a year with this soulfriendship than I learned in five years with my soulfriendship with my husband. It has also improved my marriage immeasurably because I know so much more about communication.

I wish I could put into words the ways in which this relationship has changed my life. I don't think I can even fully comprehend it! I have learned that openness and honesty is ALWAYS rewarding; that if both people are willing, anything can be worked through -- even if the pain feels like it is going to destroy you; and that an incredibly intimate relationship can be totally platonic (something that is not often believed).

I think the area in which I have grown the most is simply believing in the human spirit. Hannah reflects me, and truths that I considered on my own, I see in her and can fully feel the truth of them. I've never met anyone (besides myself of course) who believes in the spirit world as intensely and comprehensively. She's my spirit-twin: we are so nearly identical in spirit that it was shocking when we first began to get to know each other, because we felt the SAME WAY on so many things! After a while, it became shocking to find a way in which we were different. ;-) We're not exactly the same of course, and much of us is yet-to-be-developed, so we often have conversations about things which we have incomplete ideas on, and we clash those ideas together until we hone them to definition. Usually they end up being the same, but every now and then we end up disagreeing, which is just as fun because that simply means it is a subject for many more conversations.

Hannah is amazing... She's so passionate, so deep and thoughtful. When I read her writing, I feel like I'm slipping into a deep, quiet pool in the middle of the forest. She's so brave; she faces her pain, doesn't deny or belittle it but challenges it head-on. She believes in the inherent worth of every human being, in seeking knowledge and growth, in sharing oneself with another, in the power of creativity to bring positive change. I admire her so very much and feel incredibly honored to have her as my soulfriend.

( my favorite (clothed) photos of hannah, and of hannah and I -- yes, actually worksafe! )

prepare yourself for possible flooding as I attempt to be less control-freakish about spacing out my posts, and I'm feelin' verbose, oh yeah.

I spent Thursday with sabr; such a fantastic day! We went to my favorite little trinket-store, where I didn't find anything for Hannah's birthday (*pout*) but I DID find two awesome little flip-top pewter urns to add to my collection of weird little treasures. I felt a little funny some of the time, because I tend to be singleminded when shopping and I was worried that I was making sabr feel ignored, but we talked here and there about random things, and overall I was surprisingly comfortable. See, I've met her once before, but that was with other people around, so this was the first time I'd spent one-on-one time with her and I was very nervous beforehand.

Then we went to the mall and wandered around a while, looking for a store that sold all kinds of figurines, especially fantasy creatures -- but the owners had retired and closed the store, very disappointing. We walked around arm in arm for a while -- I'm a hand-holding person and she's not, so she suggested arm-in-arm. I had expected it to be stiff and uncomfortable because the only person I've ever walked arm-in-arm with is almost a foot taller than me (heh), heh, but it was actually very comfortable and cozy. ♥ (I'm such a cuddle person; touch means a lot to me. I'm longing to go to a cuddle party (fuckin' lucky Londoners and Alabamans!) I tell you what, if I can come visit Hannah and Kate by the 11th, we are SO going to that party on the 11th. *dreams*)

anyway, we next went to the famous green couch, and I was shocked and appalled that she didn't know what I meant when I referred to it! :-O But then she remembered. ;-) We had an incredible, almost-4-hour-long conversation (that couch is magic, I tell ya) about all kinds of things, mainly old relationships and our metamorphoses from the selves we used to be to the selves we are now. I feel so much more comfortable with her now: after the breakup with Ashley I had felt very strange and alienated from sabr, since she's also friends with Ashley, but after quite a few IM conversations and emails, I had begun feeling more confident in our relationship. That conversation at the coffeehouse just made everything slip into place. I'll admit it still weirds me out when I think about it, but I think it is quite possible for me to build my relationship with sabr in spite of it, and that's a lovely thing.

prepare yourself for possible flooding as I attempt to be less control-freakish about spacing out my posts, and I'm feelin' verbose, oh yeah.

I spent Thursday with sabr; such a fantastic day! We went to my favorite little trinket-store, where I didn't find anything for Hannah's birthday (*pout*) but I DID find two awesome little flip-top pewter urns to add to my collection of weird little treasures. I felt a little funny some of the time, because I tend to be singleminded when shopping and I was worried that I was making sabr feel ignored, but we talked here and there about random things, and overall I was surprisingly comfortable. See, I've met her once before, but that was with other people around, so this was the first time I'd spent one-on-one time with her and I was very nervous beforehand.

Then we went to the mall and wandered around a while, looking for a store that sold all kinds of figurines, especially fantasy creatures -- but the owners had retired and closed the store, very disappointing. We walked around arm in arm for a while -- I'm a hand-holding person and she's not, so she suggested arm-in-arm. I had expected it to be stiff and uncomfortable because the only person I've ever walked arm-in-arm with is almost a foot taller than me (heh), heh, but it was actually very comfortable and cozy. ♥ (I'm such a cuddle person; touch means a lot to me. I'm longing to go to a cuddle party (fuckin' lucky Londoners and Alabamans!) I tell you what, if I can come visit Hannah and Kate by the 11th, we are SO going to that party on the 11th. *dreams*)

anyway, we next went to the famous green couch, and I was shocked and appalled that she didn't know what I meant when I referred to it! :-O But then she remembered. ;-) We had an incredible, almost-4-hour-long conversation (that couch is magic, I tell ya) about all kinds of things, mainly old relationships and our metamorphoses from the selves we used to be to the selves we are now. I feel so much more comfortable with her now: after the breakup with Ashley I had felt very strange and alienated from sabr, since she's also friends with Ashley, but after quite a few IM conversations and emails, I had begun feeling more confident in our relationship. That conversation at the coffeehouse just made everything slip into place. I'll admit it still weirds me out when I think about it, but I think it is quite possible for me to build my relationship with sabr in spite of it, and that's a lovely thing.

prepare yourself for possible flooding as I attempt to be less control-freakish about spacing out my posts, and I'm feelin' verbose, oh yeah.

I spent Thursday with sabr; such a fantastic day! We went to my favorite little trinket-store, where I didn't find anything for Hannah's birthday (*pout*) but I DID find two awesome little flip-top pewter urns to add to my collection of weird little treasures. I felt a little funny some of the time, because I tend to be singleminded when shopping and I was worried that I was making sabr feel ignored, but we talked here and there about random things, and overall I was surprisingly comfortable. See, I've met her once before, but that was with other people around, so this was the first time I'd spent one-on-one time with her and I was very nervous beforehand.

Then we went to the mall and wandered around a while, looking for a store that sold all kinds of figurines, especially fantasy creatures -- but the owners had retired and closed the store, very disappointing. We walked around arm in arm for a while -- I'm a hand-holding person and she's not, so she suggested arm-in-arm. I had expected it to be stiff and uncomfortable because the only person I've ever walked arm-in-arm with is almost a foot taller than me (heh), heh, but it was actually very comfortable and cozy. ♥ (I'm such a cuddle person; touch means a lot to me. I'm longing to go to a cuddle party (fuckin' lucky Londoners and Alabamans!) I tell you what, if I can come visit Hannah and Kate by the 11th, we are SO going to that party on the 11th. *dreams*)

anyway, we next went to the famous green couch, and I was shocked and appalled that she didn't know what I meant when I referred to it! :-O But then she remembered. ;-) We had an incredible, almost-4-hour-long conversation (that couch is magic, I tell ya) about all kinds of things, mainly old relationships and our metamorphoses from the selves we used to be to the selves we are now. I feel so much more comfortable with her now: after the breakup with Ashley I had felt very strange and alienated from sabr, since she's also friends with Ashley, but after quite a few IM conversations and emails, I had begun feeling more confident in our relationship. That conversation at the coffeehouse just made everything slip into place. I'll admit it still weirds me out when I think about it, but I think it is quite possible for me to build my relationship with sabr in spite of it, and that's a lovely thing.

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

My partner has been sooooooooo loving lately, really really thoughtful. Saturday I was really depressed and it is SO hard to get out of bed when I have nothing to look forward to because I really enjoy dreaming -- he woke me up repeatedly without getting impatient (and I mean, checking on me every 15 minutes for probably three hours), lay down next to me and carressed my hair, made me food, watched a movie with me, took me to coffee, talked with me about spirituality and relationships, took me to Wal-mart to get clothes!!! and was just completely sweet all day long, not spending lots of time on the computer, not getting irritated with me once (I can be irritating when depressed because I overreact to anything bad).

I'm so touched. ♥ He's making such a huge effort, especially considering his stress over work. I'm looking forward to spending time actively developing our relationship now. For a long while I poured SO MUCH ENERGY into building our relationship, but that gradually petered out because he wasn't taking an active role, and now he is and I feel so relieved, so hopeful. I think this has a lot to do with him learning how to express himself more, learning who he is. He's always been that wonderful -- he's just now learning how to channel it. ♥

My partner has been sooooooooo loving lately, really really thoughtful. Saturday I was really depressed and it is SO hard to get out of bed when I have nothing to look forward to because I really enjoy dreaming -- he woke me up repeatedly without getting impatient (and I mean, checking on me every 15 minutes for probably three hours), lay down next to me and carressed my hair, made me food, watched a movie with me, took me to coffee, talked with me about spirituality and relationships, took me to Wal-mart to get clothes!!! and was just completely sweet all day long, not spending lots of time on the computer, not getting irritated with me once (I can be irritating when depressed because I overreact to anything bad).

I'm so touched. ♥ He's making such a huge effort, especially considering his stress over work. I'm looking forward to spending time actively developing our relationship now. For a long while I poured SO MUCH ENERGY into building our relationship, but that gradually petered out because he wasn't taking an active role, and now he is and I feel so relieved, so hopeful. I think this has a lot to do with him learning how to express himself more, learning who he is. He's always been that wonderful -- he's just now learning how to channel it. ♥

My partner has been sooooooooo loving lately, really really thoughtful. Saturday I was really depressed and it is SO hard to get out of bed when I have nothing to look forward to because I really enjoy dreaming -- he woke me up repeatedly without getting impatient (and I mean, checking on me every 15 minutes for probably three hours), lay down next to me and carressed my hair, made me food, watched a movie with me, took me to coffee, talked with me about spirituality and relationships, took me to Wal-mart to get clothes!!! and was just completely sweet all day long, not spending lots of time on the computer, not getting irritated with me once (I can be irritating when depressed because I overreact to anything bad).

I'm so touched. ♥ He's making such a huge effort, especially considering his stress over work. I'm looking forward to spending time actively developing our relationship now. For a long while I poured SO MUCH ENERGY into building our relationship, but that gradually petered out because he wasn't taking an active role, and now he is and I feel so relieved, so hopeful. I think this has a lot to do with him learning how to express himself more, learning who he is. He's always been that wonderful -- he's just now learning how to channel it. ♥

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

this is what happens when I have live batteries!

yay new icons!

( photos of Kanika's boyfriend, the coffeehouse, the green couch, and myself at the park )

oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

oooh, I'm in one of those achy-angry-furious-depressed-lonely-crazy-happy-distraught moods right now. Mainly sad.

Earlier today I got overwhelmed as I was getting ready for work, had nausea that I mastered (I'm so proud of myself for that -- my emotions didn't take over my body this time) and cried so hard I couldn't see as I put my uniform on and brushed my hair, cryingsobbingweeping as I walked out to the car (Ben drove me to work), struggled to compose myself as I walked in, stared at the floor all the way until I put my till in the drawer. Dani was at the register across from me and Shamaila was at the next one up, and they came over as I set stuff up (it was slow, very few customers) and talked, teasingly, about this and that. Shamaila asked me, "So did you have fun last night?" and Dani spoke up before I could answer and asked, "What was last night?" (I'm giggling at this point because between the question and the look on Shamaila's face, it sounded kinda dirty) and I told her that I went over to Shamaila's house last night. I forget how the conversation wound to it, but Shamaila told Dani that she knew me better, and Dani said, "Oh yeah? did she take you to the tea place?" and Shamaila said "Yes!" all defensively and Dani said, "hah! It's a coffee place, I said it that way to trick you!" Then Shamaila pretended to know what she was talking about, and it was all so charming and I felt fought over and adored and decided that I wasn't going to let my insanely-exploding emotions ruin the night for me, so I put them away and spent the night talking to Shamaila about modeling and her dreams. Then I left work and my emotions came smashing back.

I like that I have been able to handle my emotions lately, but I keep putting them off and not experiencing them because I'm afraid of them. Even when I'm home and it's my off day... I'm afraid that I can't handle them on my own, and I want someone to hold me and love me unswervingly as I turn to a ball of rage and pain. And I can't trust anyone enough to let them do that -- I suppose I'm really hoping Ben or someone will come to me and offer, and be unafraid of me and my fury and intensity and messy unkindness. I want him to realize that when I'm being angry and snappish it's because I am hurting and need to be held, but dammit I don't even realize that at the time, I just get confused by my overreacting.

I think people who read my journal get the impression that I cry a lot... I actually cry pretty rarely because when I let down that guard it's always messy and rarely ends well. I just post about it every time it happens, 'cause to me it's noteworthy. And yes, there is something sparking this new emotional-insanity, but that's for another post... I wish I didn't let it all build to a flood before posting. :-\

and Aubrey, Leslie, I didn't forget either of you but I couldn't muster the energy to do your birthday posts yet, it seems I'm always late. :-( But I love you both and hope you had delightful days. ♥

Just before Christmas I met up with Michael, a friend from high school. It had been 2 years since we'd seen each other, and about four years since we had had a real conversation, so I was nervous but excited. Then 30 minutes before we're supposed to meet, he calls up to make sure of the directions, and mentions that he'd bringing his girlfriend along. Not asks -- tells me. I was so shocked that I didn't really react (and he hurried on talking) -- then when I got off the phone, it sank in and I was Pissed. It's been FOUR YEARS and he is bringing a complete stranger? I was so close to canceling, but I finally decided that the worst that could happen was that I would have yummy coffee, be bored and awkward for 30 minutes and then find an excuse to leave. The coffee was really the deciding factor.

I had no idea that his girlfriend would actually be interesting -- he's always had questionable taste before. I was expecting a shallow, snobby unhealthily-skinny blonde with no backbone. Well, Laura was blonde but other than that she was the complete opposite of my expectations. She's a voluptuous curvygirl! Which impressed me, 'cause that means that Michael now has a healthier view on beauty. And she's spunky and a deep thinker and very friendly.

After we were introduced, we went back to the green couch (damn I love that couch), and Laura went up to order a coffee. I took the opportunity to sketch out for Michael the last two years of my life and my earthshattering changes (I had told him before that I had something important that I wanted to talk to him about, but that I wanted to tell him in person) -- he was very respectful and caring. Then he told me that he had thought that Ben and I were getting a divorce when I had sent him that email (omg!), and that he had talked about it with Laura and SHE suggested that perhaps I had gotten a sex change! We laughed about that -- but that explains why Laura insisted on coming along -- if I was in her shoes and I thought that a girl that Michael had been so close with was single, I sure as hell would have insisted on being there. Michael and I used to be very close, though it was never a romantic or sexual relationship.

So the three of us talked about philosophy, politics, art, relationships... it was SO much fun. Michael and I argued, and I remembered why I used to enjoy it so much. We never belittle each other's ideas, and I know that no matter what my opinion is, he's not going to feel any differently about me and vice versa. So we can battle and know that we aren't going to come out wounded -- it's fencing rather than swordfighting. Laura wasn't a third wheel, either -- the three of us really had balanced conversation, it was amazing.

Then at the end, we started talking about relationships and I ended up kinda counseling them -- ironic since I haven't been having the best marriage lately, but I know what works even if Ben and I aren't doing it at the time. I hope Michael didn't feel attacked, I tried to make it plain that I didn't think any less of him. The opposite is true -- apparently they have broken up and gotten back together several times in the year that they've been together, which I think is real maturity, since they're working out problems instead of throwing away an imperfect relationship.

We talked for about three solid hours. I love the new me! able to just be comfortable with a friend whom I haven't seen in years and a perfect stranger. Laura's actually a person I'd like to be friends with, but sadly she's on myspace *shudder* instead of LJ. But I'm going to try to be in touch somehow or another. And at some point we're going to have to go on a double date. When we finally parted, I hugged them both. I really really really hope they stay together, I think they fit together so well. And Michael said he'd check out my journal -- so are you reading this??? eh? I've been trying to get him to read it since I made it, but he's always been completely disinterested before -- this time he actually showed interest. So Michael, if you're reading this, extounding. I'm going to ask you, so remember that I said that!

Just before Christmas I met up with Michael, a friend from high school. It had been 2 years since we'd seen each other, and about four years since we had had a real conversation, so I was nervous but excited. Then 30 minutes before we're supposed to meet, he calls up to make sure of the directions, and mentions that he'd bringing his girlfriend along. Not asks -- tells me. I was so shocked that I didn't really react (and he hurried on talking) -- then when I got off the phone, it sank in and I was Pissed. It's been FOUR YEARS and he is bringing a complete stranger? I was so close to canceling, but I finally decided that the worst that could happen was that I would have yummy coffee, be bored and awkward for 30 minutes and then find an excuse to leave. The coffee was really the deciding factor.

I had no idea that his girlfriend would actually be interesting -- he's always had questionable taste before. I was expecting a shallow, snobby unhealthily-skinny blonde with no backbone. Well, Laura was blonde but other than that she was the complete opposite of my expectations. She's a voluptuous curvygirl! Which impressed me, 'cause that means that Michael now has a healthier view on beauty. And she's spunky and a deep thinker and very friendly.

After we were introduced, we went back to the green couch (damn I love that couch), and Laura went up to order a coffee. I took the opportunity to sketch out for Michael the last two years of my life and my earthshattering changes (I had told him before that I had something important that I wanted to talk to him about, but that I wanted to tell him in person) -- he was very respectful and caring. Then he told me that he had thought that Ben and I were getting a divorce when I had sent him that email (omg!), and that he had talked about it with Laura and SHE suggested that perhaps I had gotten a sex change! We laughed about that -- but that explains why Laura insisted on coming along -- if I was in her shoes and I thought that a girl that Michael had been so close with was single, I sure as hell would have insisted on being there. Michael and I used to be very close, though it was never a romantic or sexual relationship.

So the three of us talked about philosophy, politics, art, relationships... it was SO much fun. Michael and I argued, and I remembered why I used to enjoy it so much. We never belittle each other's ideas, and I know that no matter what my opinion is, he's not going to feel any differently about me and vice versa. So we can battle and know that we aren't going to come out wounded -- it's fencing rather than swordfighting. Laura wasn't a third wheel, either -- the three of us really had balanced conversation, it was amazing.

Then at the end, we started talking about relationships and I ended up kinda counseling them -- ironic since I haven't been having the best marriage lately, but I know what works even if Ben and I aren't doing it at the time. I hope Michael didn't feel attacked, I tried to make it plain that I didn't think any less of him. The opposite is true -- apparently they have broken up and gotten back together several times in the year that they've been together, which I think is real maturity, since they're working out problems instead of throwing away an imperfect relationship.

We talked for about three solid hours. I love the new me! able to just be comfortable with a friend whom I haven't seen in years and a perfect stranger. Laura's actually a person I'd like to be friends with, but sadly she's on myspace *shudder* instead of LJ. But I'm going to try to be in touch somehow or another. And at some point we're going to have to go on a double date. When we finally parted, I hugged them both. I really really really hope they stay together, I think they fit together so well. And Michael said he'd check out my journal -- so are you reading this??? eh? I've been trying to get him to read it since I made it, but he's always been completely disinterested before -- this time he actually showed interest. So Michael, if you're reading this, extounding. I'm going to ask you, so remember that I said that!

Just before Christmas I met up with Michael, a friend from high school. It had been 2 years since we'd seen each other, and about four years since we had had a real conversation, so I was nervous but excited. Then 30 minutes before we're supposed to meet, he calls up to make sure of the directions, and mentions that he'd bringing his girlfriend along. Not asks -- tells me. I was so shocked that I didn't really react (and he hurried on talking) -- then when I got off the phone, it sank in and I was Pissed. It's been FOUR YEARS and he is bringing a complete stranger? I was so close to canceling, but I finally decided that the worst that could happen was that I would have yummy coffee, be bored and awkward for 30 minutes and then find an excuse to leave. The coffee was really the deciding factor.

I had no idea that his girlfriend would actually be interesting -- he's always had questionable taste before. I was expecting a shallow, snobby unhealthily-skinny blonde with no backbone. Well, Laura was blonde but other than that she was the complete opposite of my expectations. She's a voluptuous curvygirl! Which impressed me, 'cause that means that Michael now has a healthier view on beauty. And she's spunky and a deep thinker and very friendly.

After we were introduced, we went back to the green couch (damn I love that couch), and Laura went up to order a coffee. I took the opportunity to sketch out for Michael the last two years of my life and my earthshattering changes (I had told him before that I had something important that I wanted to talk to him about, but that I wanted to tell him in person) -- he was very respectful and caring. Then he told me that he had thought that Ben and I were getting a divorce when I had sent him that email (omg!), and that he had talked about it with Laura and SHE suggested that perhaps I had gotten a sex change! We laughed about that -- but that explains why Laura insisted on coming along -- if I was in her shoes and I thought that a girl that Michael had been so close with was single, I sure as hell would have insisted on being there. Michael and I used to be very close, though it was never a romantic or sexual relationship.

So the three of us talked about philosophy, politics, art, relationships... it was SO much fun. Michael and I argued, and I remembered why I used to enjoy it so much. We never belittle each other's ideas, and I know that no matter what my opinion is, he's not going to feel any differently about me and vice versa. So we can battle and know that we aren't going to come out wounded -- it's fencing rather than swordfighting. Laura wasn't a third wheel, either -- the three of us really had balanced conversation, it was amazing.

Then at the end, we started talking about relationships and I ended up kinda counseling them -- ironic since I haven't been having the best marriage lately, but I know what works even if Ben and I aren't doing it at the time. I hope Michael didn't feel attacked, I tried to make it plain that I didn't think any less of him. The opposite is true -- apparently they have broken up and gotten back together several times in the year that they've been together, which I think is real maturity, since they're working out problems instead of throwing away an imperfect relationship.

We talked for about three solid hours. I love the new me! able to just be comfortable with a friend whom I haven't seen in years and a perfect stranger. Laura's actually a person I'd like to be friends with, but sadly she's on myspace *shudder* instead of LJ. But I'm going to try to be in touch somehow or another. And at some point we're going to have to go on a double date. When we finally parted, I hugged them both. I really really really hope they stay together, I think they fit together so well. And Michael said he'd check out my journal -- so are you reading this??? eh? I've been trying to get him to read it since I made it, but he's always been completely disinterested before -- this time he actually showed interest. So Michael, if you're reading this, extounding. I'm going to ask you, so remember that I said that!

So I know you're all dying to read how the visit went! And this is gonna be long and I'm not going to cut it!

I asked my managers to let me go early, and they wonderfully did -- and I promptly went to Rebecca's house to borrow money from her. I was waffling on that at first, but I figured that I'd cheerfully do it for her, so I did it. (it's no fun going places when you have absolutely no money to spend) So then I headed over to alariya's house (she had called me at work to make sure that I was coming over that night) -- got there, walked in the door, and there was Anika! sitting on the floor getting a shoulder massage from 'Riya. I started unloading my stuff and she demanded that I get my ass over there and hug her -- the lazybutt didn't even get up! I laughed and went to hug her.

She's so little and cute! I could just fit her right in my little pocket! We started talking about everything and nothing, and eventually alariya's friend Cherise showed up, and we chattered with her too... poor 'Riya is a morning person, and she started drifting off despite her desire to 'not miss anything' (it probably didn't help that I was rubbing her back and that she had exhausted herself walking all over the airport on her broken foot) -- so she went to bed at about midnight. Cherise left at two (yes, we were talking all that time!) and Anika and I finally went to bed -- but not to sleep, oh no. We stayed up talking until probably seven (night people rule the world!) -- about our marriages mostly. We're both at roughly the two-year mark, and we have so many similarities in our lives. And I slept in my usual pj's -- that is, none -- and Anika and I shared a blanket on 'Riya's tiny twin bed. I love that she was comfortable with that -- I haven't been able to relax around someone to that point since Kaylene was in my life. Nudity is the true test of friendship, I think. ('Riya's comfortable with my rampant nakedness too)

At about noon we got up and alariya made us delicious sausage-cheese biscuits -- which we washed down with beer, heh. alariya decided to drink this horribly nasty horse-piss beer (which she had bought to cook with) while Anika and I made faces. After a few sips she decided that maybe it was too nasty for her after all, so she decided to make it taste better -- and poured chocolate syrup into it!!! It immediately fizzed up and got all over the place despite her plonking her mouth over it (that response earned her some teasing from us), but she persisted; she put the top back on, shook it, and tapped the top to calm the fizz, then tried drinking it. We watched expectantly, and even though she really did try to like it, she finally just handed me the bottle to pour down the sink -- it looked even worse than it tasted, I think. She was so stricken to find something that chocolate cannot improve!

Then Anika and I watched some of that dumb 'Family Guy' movie (I admit it was kinda funny, but I see enough dysfunctional families in real life, thanks) while alariya read, in an attempt to adjust to the idea that we were starting our day at 2pm. Rebecca came over and met Anika, and since 'Riya's foot was hurting, she and Anika and I soaked our feet in the tub while Rebecca sat next to us. A & A mocked me 'cause apparently my feet are very sensitive to heat. What's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Then we piled into Rebecca's car and she drove us over to my favorite mexican place, where we had a fabulous dinner and then drove right back to 'Riya's house 'cause Rebecca had to leave. We switched to 'Riya's car, drove to my house to drop off my leftovers and let Anika meet Ben and Kanika. Kanika was fascinated with Anika and would not stop sniffing her! We think it may have had to do with the fact that she owns nine cats, and some of their scent is bound to be on her clothes/purse. But she also just plain liked Anika, which proves both that Anika is awesome and that my cat is smart.

Then we went off to Galaxy 'cause 'Riya wanted to buy Anika a sex toy or two (very unique in expressing her love, alariya is) -- and got carded, of course. Anika found something that appealed to her (even though it was green and she wanted purple), and after a lot of browsing and vacillating, I found cinnamon-flavored lubricant! I certainly couldn't pass that up, I love cinnamon (and it's actually yummy!).

Next stop was the local coffeehouse, where we sat on the green couch (that I love more and more all the time) with me in the middle. Anika draped her legs over mine and 'Riya massaged her feet while we talked about spirituality, our experiences and beliefs and ideas. (I have never had a dull moment sitting on that couch. I really hope that whenever the coffeehouse replaces it, I can buy it or steal it, whatever, I love it so much)

Finally the coffeehouse was closing, and I quickly bought a coffee for Ben like I promised -- then they sent 'the lackey' out to get the car for the cripple and the lazybutt. heh. We drove back to my house, stealing sips of Ben's coffee -- he wasn't there when we arrived, but he left a note on the floor saying that he'd be right back, so I disappointed the girls by not splitting the drink between us. Sure enough, he showed up in a minute, and I gave him the coffee -- and he repaid us by taking off his glasses and letting down his hair to show Anika how fucking hot my man is!

Off we drove to the Wal-mart where I work to browse. 'Riya insisted on having a push wheelchair, which I pushed, and then just to make sure that I was getting enough of a workout, Anika sat on her lap. We had a blast wheeling around -- and some guy took a photo of us! wtf, mate? (you know he went home and posted it on his LJ) I saw this vivid violet smushy pillow and got so excited, and the girls insisted on getting it for me -- and Anika found a sherbert orange one just like it, which 'Riya got for her. We'd have gotten one for 'Riya, but they didn't have her colors.

Anika wanted to go look at the costumes, so we did -- and 'Riya had a FAB-u-LOUS idea. They had wings and gloves in purple, red, and black -- so they bought a set for each of us, myself in purple, Anika in red, and 'Riya in black -- and then we got matching lacy undies. All to do an impromptu photoshoot in honor of shmee_! We hurried back to get the camera and ask Ben if he was okay with it, and he was, but only if he was the photographer. This caused some tension, 'cause alariya had already asked her fiance and was really disappointed that he decided not to come over at all... I kept asking her if she was okay, and she kept saying yes, but I felt serious tension from her and I got very anxious. We had to stop by the Wal-mart next to her house to get batteries, and Anika went in with me. She put her arm around my waist as we walked in, which had a very calming effect on me, and by the time we bought them and came back out, I had decided to take 'Riya at her word -- if she said she was fine then she was fine.

We got back to her house and started putting on makeup and getting ready, getting all excited -- I don't know how long it took us, but Ben was glad that he brought his book. Finally we started shooting, and it was just so fabulous -- I had forgotten my usb cord but 'Riya happened to have one so we shot and downloaded, shot and downloaded, and got some awesome shots. My only regret is that I didn't get more of Anika -- we took the individual ones of her right at the beginning before I realized that we could take more than 11 photos. But we got some awesome shots nevertheless, and after I send some of the edited photos to Anika and 'Riya, you can count on a photopost in curvygirls, at least.

It was 4:40am before we left, poor Ben was falling asleep... and I was obviously pretty out of it because had I been more aware I'd have said a more lingering goodbye! I didn't hug Anika nearly enough to last me until I see her again!

Feelings on the visit will have to wait -- getting down the happenings of those WONDERFUL hours is enough for now. And I must also post about the fantastic, amazing ideas the three of us had for a curvygirls zine!

So I know you're all dying to read how the visit went! And this is gonna be long and I'm not going to cut it!

I asked my managers to let me go early, and they wonderfully did -- and I promptly went to Rebecca's house to borrow money from her. I was waffling on that at first, but I figured that I'd cheerfully do it for her, so I did it. (it's no fun going places when you have absolutely no money to spend) So then I headed over to alariya's house (she had called me at work to make sure that I was coming over that night) -- got there, walked in the door, and there was Anika! sitting on the floor getting a shoulder massage from 'Riya. I started unloading my stuff and she demanded that I get my ass over there and hug her -- the lazybutt didn't even get up! I laughed and went to hug her.

She's so little and cute! I could just fit her right in my little pocket! We started talking about everything and nothing, and eventually alariya's friend Cherise showed up, and we chattered with her too... poor 'Riya is a morning person, and she started drifting off despite her desire to 'not miss anything' (it probably didn't help that I was rubbing her back and that she had exhausted herself walking all over the airport on her broken foot) -- so she went to bed at about midnight. Cherise left at two (yes, we were talking all that time!) and Anika and I finally went to bed -- but not to sleep, oh no. We stayed up talking until probably seven (night people rule the world!) -- about our marriages mostly. We're both at roughly the two-year mark, and we have so many similarities in our lives. And I slept in my usual pj's -- that is, none -- and Anika and I shared a blanket on 'Riya's tiny twin bed. I love that she was comfortable with that -- I haven't been able to relax around someone to that point since Kaylene was in my life. Nudity is the true test of friendship, I think. ('Riya's comfortable with my rampant nakedness too)

At about noon we got up and alariya made us delicious sausage-cheese biscuits -- which we washed down with beer, heh. alariya decided to drink this horribly nasty horse-piss beer (which she had bought to cook with) while Anika and I made faces. After a few sips she decided that maybe it was too nasty for her after all, so she decided to make it taste better -- and poured chocolate syrup into it!!! It immediately fizzed up and got all over the place despite her plonking her mouth over it (that response earned her some teasing from us), but she persisted; she put the top back on, shook it, and tapped the top to calm the fizz, then tried drinking it. We watched expectantly, and even though she really did try to like it, she finally just handed me the bottle to pour down the sink -- it looked even worse than it tasted, I think. She was so stricken to find something that chocolate cannot improve!

Then Anika and I watched some of that dumb 'Family Guy' movie (I admit it was kinda funny, but I see enough dysfunctional families in real life, thanks) while alariya read, in an attempt to adjust to the idea that we were starting our day at 2pm. Rebecca came over and met Anika, and since 'Riya's foot was hurting, she and Anika and I soaked our feet in the tub while Rebecca sat next to us. A & A mocked me 'cause apparently my feet are very sensitive to heat. What's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Then we piled into Rebecca's car and she drove us over to my favorite mexican place, where we had a fabulous dinner and then drove right back to 'Riya's house 'cause Rebecca had to leave. We switched to 'Riya's car, drove to my house to drop off my leftovers and let Anika meet Ben and Kanika. Kanika was fascinated with Anika and would not stop sniffing her! We think it may have had to do with the fact that she owns nine cats, and some of their scent is bound to be on her clothes/purse. But she also just plain liked Anika, which proves both that Anika is awesome and that my cat is smart.

Then we went off to Galaxy 'cause 'Riya wanted to buy Anika a sex toy or two (very unique in expressing her love, alariya is) -- and got carded, of course. Anika found something that appealed to her (even though it was green and she wanted purple), and after a lot of browsing and vacillating, I found cinnamon-flavored lubricant! I certainly couldn't pass that up, I love cinnamon (and it's actually yummy!).

Next stop was the local coffeehouse, where we sat on the green couch (that I love more and more all the time) with me in the middle. Anika draped her legs over mine and 'Riya massaged her feet while we talked about spirituality, our experiences and beliefs and ideas. (I have never had a dull moment sitting on that couch. I really hope that whenever the coffeehouse replaces it, I can buy it or steal it, whatever, I love it so much)

Finally the coffeehouse was closing, and I quickly bought a coffee for Ben like I promised -- then they sent 'the lackey' out to get the car for the cripple and the lazybutt. heh. We drove back to my house, stealing sips of Ben's coffee -- he wasn't there when we arrived, but he left a note on the floor saying that he'd be right back, so I disappointed the girls by not splitting the drink between us. Sure enough, he showed up in a minute, and I gave him the coffee -- and he repaid us by taking off his glasses and letting down his hair to show Anika how fucking hot my man is!

Off we drove to the Wal-mart where I work to browse. 'Riya insisted on having a push wheelchair, which I pushed, and then just to make sure that I was getting enough of a workout, Anika sat on her lap. We had a blast wheeling around -- and some guy took a photo of us! wtf, mate? (you know he went home and posted it on his LJ) I saw this vivid violet smushy pillow and got so excited, and the girls insisted on getting it for me -- and Anika found a sherbert orange one just like it, which 'Riya got for her. We'd have gotten one for 'Riya, but they didn't have her colors.

Anika wanted to go look at the costumes, so we did -- and 'Riya had a FAB-u-LOUS idea. They had wings and gloves in purple, red, and black -- so they bought a set for each of us, myself in purple, Anika in red, and 'Riya in black -- and then we got matching lacy undies. All to do an impromptu photoshoot in honor of shmee_! We hurried back to get the camera and ask Ben if he was okay with it, and he was, but only if he was the photographer. This caused some tension, 'cause alariya had already asked her fiance and was really disappointed that he decided not to come over at all... I kept asking her if she was okay, and she kept saying yes, but I felt serious tension from her and I got very anxious. We had to stop by the Wal-mart next to her house to get batteries, and Anika went in with me. She put her arm around my waist as we walked in, which had a very calming effect on me, and by the time we bought them and came back out, I had decided to take 'Riya at her word -- if she said she was fine then she was fine.

We got back to her house and started putting on makeup and getting ready, getting all excited -- I don't know how long it took us, but Ben was glad that he brought his book. Finally we started shooting, and it was just so fabulous -- I had forgotten my usb cord but 'Riya happened to have one so we shot and downloaded, shot and downloaded, and got some awesome shots. My only regret is that I didn't get more of Anika -- we took the individual ones of her right at the beginning before I realized that we could take more than 11 photos. But we got some awesome shots nevertheless, and after I send some of the edited photos to Anika and 'Riya, you can count on a photopost in curvygirls, at least.

It was 4:40am before we left, poor Ben was falling asleep... and I was obviously pretty out of it because had I been more aware I'd have said a more lingering goodbye! I didn't hug Anika nearly enough to last me until I see her again!

Feelings on the visit will have to wait -- getting down the happenings of those WONDERFUL hours is enough for now. And I must also post about the fantastic, amazing ideas the three of us had for a curvygirls zine!

So I know you're all dying to read how the visit went! And this is gonna be long and I'm not going to cut it!

I asked my managers to let me go early, and they wonderfully did -- and I promptly went to Rebecca's house to borrow money from her. I was waffling on that at first, but I figured that I'd cheerfully do it for her, so I did it. (it's no fun going places when you have absolutely no money to spend) So then I headed over to alariya's house (she had called me at work to make sure that I was coming over that night) -- got there, walked in the door, and there was Anika! sitting on the floor getting a shoulder massage from 'Riya. I started unloading my stuff and she demanded that I get my ass over there and hug her -- the lazybutt didn't even get up! I laughed and went to hug her.

She's so little and cute! I could just fit her right in my little pocket! We started talking about everything and nothing, and eventually alariya's friend Cherise showed up, and we chattered with her too... poor 'Riya is a morning person, and she started drifting off despite her desire to 'not miss anything' (it probably didn't help that I was rubbing her back and that she had exhausted herself walking all over the airport on her broken foot) -- so she went to bed at about midnight. Cherise left at two (yes, we were talking all that time!) and Anika and I finally went to bed -- but not to sleep, oh no. We stayed up talking until probably seven (night people rule the world!) -- about our marriages mostly. We're both at roughly the two-year mark, and we have so many similarities in our lives. And I slept in my usual pj's -- that is, none -- and Anika and I shared a blanket on 'Riya's tiny twin bed. I love that she was comfortable with that -- I haven't been able to relax around someone to that point since Kaylene was in my life. Nudity is the true test of friendship, I think. ('Riya's comfortable with my rampant nakedness too)

At about noon we got up and alariya made us delicious sausage-cheese biscuits -- which we washed down with beer, heh. alariya decided to drink this horribly nasty horse-piss beer (which she had bought to cook with) while Anika and I made faces. After a few sips she decided that maybe it was too nasty for her after all, so she decided to make it taste better -- and poured chocolate syrup into it!!! It immediately fizzed up and got all over the place despite her plonking her mouth over it (that response earned her some teasing from us), but she persisted; she put the top back on, shook it, and tapped the top to calm the fizz, then tried drinking it. We watched expectantly, and even though she really did try to like it, she finally just handed me the bottle to pour down the sink -- it looked even worse than it tasted, I think. She was so stricken to find something that chocolate cannot improve!

Then Anika and I watched some of that dumb 'Family Guy' movie (I admit it was kinda funny, but I see enough dysfunctional families in real life, thanks) while alariya read, in an attempt to adjust to the idea that we were starting our day at 2pm. Rebecca came over and met Anika, and since 'Riya's foot was hurting, she and Anika and I soaked our feet in the tub while Rebecca sat next to us. A & A mocked me 'cause apparently my feet are very sensitive to heat. What's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Then we piled into Rebecca's car and she drove us over to my favorite mexican place, where we had a fabulous dinner and then drove right back to 'Riya's house 'cause Rebecca had to leave. We switched to 'Riya's car, drove to my house to drop off my leftovers and let Anika meet Ben and Kanika. Kanika was fascinated with Anika and would not stop sniffing her! We think it may have had to do with the fact that she owns nine cats, and some of their scent is bound to be on her clothes/purse. But she also just plain liked Anika, which proves both that Anika is awesome and that my cat is smart.

Then we went off to Galaxy 'cause 'Riya wanted to buy Anika a sex toy or two (very unique in expressing her love, alariya is) -- and got carded, of course. Anika found something that appealed to her (even though it was green and she wanted purple), and after a lot of browsing and vacillating, I found cinnamon-flavored lubricant! I certainly couldn't pass that up, I love cinnamon (and it's actually yummy!).

Next stop was the local coffeehouse, where we sat on the green couch (that I love more and more all the time) with me in the middle. Anika draped her legs over mine and 'Riya massaged her feet while we talked about spirituality, our experiences and beliefs and ideas. (I have never had a dull moment sitting on that couch. I really hope that whenever the coffeehouse replaces it, I can buy it or steal it, whatever, I love it so much)

Finally the coffeehouse was closing, and I quickly bought a coffee for Ben like I promised -- then they sent 'the lackey' out to get the car for the cripple and the lazybutt. heh. We drove back to my house, stealing sips of Ben's coffee -- he wasn't there when we arrived, but he left a note on the floor saying that he'd be right back, so I disappointed the girls by not splitting the drink between us. Sure enough, he showed up in a minute, and I gave him the coffee -- and he repaid us by taking off his glasses and letting down his hair to show Anika how fucking hot my man is!

Off we drove to the Wal-mart where I work to browse. 'Riya insisted on having a push wheelchair, which I pushed, and then just to make sure that I was getting enough of a workout, Anika sat on her lap. We had a blast wheeling around -- and some guy took a photo of us! wtf, mate? (you know he went home and posted it on his LJ) I saw this vivid violet smushy pillow and got so excited, and the girls insisted on getting it for me -- and Anika found a sherbert orange one just like it, which 'Riya got for her. We'd have gotten one for 'Riya, but they didn't have her colors.

Anika wanted to go look at the costumes, so we did -- and 'Riya had a FAB-u-LOUS idea. They had wings and gloves in purple, red, and black -- so they bought a set for each of us, myself in purple, Anika in red, and 'Riya in black -- and then we got matching lacy undies. All to do an impromptu photoshoot in honor of shmee_! We hurried back to get the camera and ask Ben if he was okay with it, and he was, but only if he was the photographer. This caused some tension, 'cause alariya had already asked her fiance and was really disappointed that he decided not to come over at all... I kept asking her if she was okay, and she kept saying yes, but I felt serious tension from her and I got very anxious. We had to stop by the Wal-mart next to her house to get batteries, and Anika went in with me. She put her arm around my waist as we walked in, which had a very calming effect on me, and by the time we bought them and came back out, I had decided to take 'Riya at her word -- if she said she was fine then she was fine.

We got back to her house and started putting on makeup and getting ready, getting all excited -- I don't know how long it took us, but Ben was glad that he brought his book. Finally we started shooting, and it was just so fabulous -- I had forgotten my usb cord but 'Riya happened to have one so we shot and downloaded, shot and downloaded, and got some awesome shots. My only regret is that I didn't get more of Anika -- we took the individual ones of her right at the beginning before I realized that we could take more than 11 photos. But we got some awesome shots nevertheless, and after I send some of the edited photos to Anika and 'Riya, you can count on a photopost in curvygirls, at least.

It was 4:40am before we left, poor Ben was falling asleep... and I was obviously pretty out of it because had I been more aware I'd have said a more lingering goodbye! I didn't hug Anika nearly enough to last me until I see her again!

Feelings on the visit will have to wait -- getting down the happenings of those WONDERFUL hours is enough for now. And I must also post about the fantastic, amazing ideas the three of us had for a curvygirls zine!

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

I have the best friends ever. Seriously, sometimes I feel sorry for everyone who isn't me, 'cause they don't have all of my wonderful friends... and that's why I like to hook them up and make them befriend each other, 'cause I don't want to have all the wonderfulness to myself. Anyway.

jedibubbles and I went out and spent the day together. First we went to the local coffeehouse to sit on the green couch and talk about everything... that couch isn't even ours but it already holds so many memories... And I paid for my coffee with change! 'Cause Ben and I are that broke right now.

After a few hours, we went to my favorite Mexican restaurant (most of the waiters know me by now, as well they should 'cause I'm always dragging my friends there, and when it's Ben and I we hugely overtip) 'cause she insisted on buying me dinner. *kisses at Del* And this after alariya took me there earlier this week! I feel so amazingly blessed.

Oh and 'cause it was Thursday they had the traditional Mexican band playing (in full costume) and they stopped by our table and played for us, and tried to get us to dance -- jedibubbles got up right away, but I felt too self-conscious and I'm weird about dancing in front of people, so at first I said no, and then a different musician tried to take my hand and pull me up, but I refused. Then I sat there thinking to myself, why the hell aren't you getting up? You know you'd love to. The real you would do it with no hesitation at all. But I couldn't bring myself to just get up -- and then one of the musicians encouraged me again and finally I got up and danced! Then of course I was disappointed that I had missed out on most of the song, but I was SO proud of myself -- dancing with people watching has always been something that was very hard for me to do. (unless it's worship, then I am not even aware of other people's existence) VERY hard. So this marks a change in me -- before I'd have beat myself up about not having the guts to do it, but there's no way I'd have gotten up. I probably didn't look that great, because I was so nervous at first, and just as I got comfortable dancing, the song was over -- and then I was literally shaking afterwards. But I did it! It really helped that Del was so free and unafraid; I didn't feel like she'd judge me.

Sometimes I think the greatest gifts are the ones we don't even know we're giving.

Saturday I went out with my jedibubbles and we had a lighthearted fun time... we sat on The Green Couch at the local coffeehouse and talked for a bit, mostly about the Narnia movie coming out in December, and rambling on to other books we read as kids...

Then we went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which I had mixed reactions to. Endless pointless violence... but it was all done in a very sarcastic way, and kept us laughing most of the time. Bah. I want Angelina to go back to movies that I can thrill over and praise without reservation. This one was pretty good -- it had points of philosophy and depth, if you looked hard enough, but I just couldn't get into it. I suppose part of the problem of learning to respect every human means that I can no longer think in 'good guy, bad guy, kill kill kill.' The thing that bothered me the most, though, was the eroticized violence. A man beating a woman will never be anything other than disgusting and evil, even if she is beating him right back. And I just couldn't stand seeing my girl get beat up. Del kept leaning over and tapping my shoulder and whispering, "are you all right?" I suppose I must have looked even more upset than I was. But I did kinda enjoy it, because it was presented in a humorous light, and Angelina can make any movie worth seeing at least once. If you like seeing stuff blown up and shooting car chases, you'll probably love it.

After the movie we went to Barnes and Noble and scanned the sci-fi/fantasy section. I don't think she's actually tried more authors than me (if you don't count the Star Wars series authors) but we have a completely different list. It makes for interesting chatting... oh, and she told me about an alternate history novel by Silverburg where the gypsies of Earth are actually a race from another planet, I neeeed to read that. I am a nuevogypsy, after all.

Finally she took me home, since it was late and she had to get up early the next morning... But we started talking about more soul-ish things, and I asked her if she wanted to go sit on my bed and talk. I totally expected her to say no, since it was late and all, but she said yes, so we did. I mostly just listened and played with her hair, rubbed her back. She has a lot on her mind right now. I felt more comfortable with her than I've ever been -- it's amazing what letting go of expectations will do. (I need to remember that) I felt honored to be there for her. She's such an amazing person.

Saturday I went out with my jedibubbles and we had a lighthearted fun time... we sat on The Green Couch at the local coffeehouse and talked for a bit, mostly about the Narnia movie coming out in December, and rambling on to other books we read as kids...

Then we went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which I had mixed reactions to. Endless pointless violence... but it was all done in a very sarcastic way, and kept us laughing most of the time. Bah. I want Angelina to go back to movies that I can thrill over and praise without reservation. This one was pretty good -- it had points of philosophy and depth, if you looked hard enough, but I just couldn't get into it. I suppose part of the problem of learning to respect every human means that I can no longer think in 'good guy, bad guy, kill kill kill.' The thing that bothered me the most, though, was the eroticized violence. A man beating a woman will never be anything other than disgusting and evil, even if she is beating him right back. And I just couldn't stand seeing my girl get beat up. Del kept leaning over and tapping my shoulder and whispering, "are you all right?" I suppose I must have looked even more upset than I was. But I did kinda enjoy it, because it was presented in a humorous light, and Angelina can make any movie worth seeing at least once. If you like seeing stuff blown up and shooting car chases, you'll probably love it.

After the movie we went to Barnes and Noble and scanned the sci-fi/fantasy section. I don't think she's actually tried more authors than me (if you don't count the Star Wars series authors) but we have a completely different list. It makes for interesting chatting... oh, and she told me about an alternate history novel by Silverburg where the gypsies of Earth are actually a race from another planet, I neeeed to read that. I am a nuevogypsy, after all.

Finally she took me home, since it was late and she had to get up early the next morning... But we started talking about more soul-ish things, and I asked her if she wanted to go sit on my bed and talk. I totally expected her to say no, since it was late and all, but she said yes, so we did. I mostly just listened and played with her hair, rubbed her back. She has a lot on her mind right now. I felt more comfortable with her than I've ever been -- it's amazing what letting go of expectations will do. (I need to remember that) I felt honored to be there for her. She's such an amazing person.

Saturday I went out with my jedibubbles and we had a lighthearted fun time... we sat on The Green Couch at the local coffeehouse and talked for a bit, mostly about the Narnia movie coming out in December, and rambling on to other books we read as kids...

Then we went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" which I had mixed reactions to. Endless pointless violence... but it was all done in a very sarcastic way, and kept us laughing most of the time. Bah. I want Angelina to go back to movies that I can thrill over and praise without reservation. This one was pretty good -- it had points of philosophy and depth, if you looked hard enough, but I just couldn't get into it. I suppose part of the problem of learning to respect every human means that I can no longer think in 'good guy, bad guy, kill kill kill.' The thing that bothered me the most, though, was the eroticized violence. A man beating a woman will never be anything other than disgusting and evil, even if she is beating him right back. And I just couldn't stand seeing my girl get beat up. Del kept leaning over and tapping my shoulder and whispering, "are you all right?" I suppose I must have looked even more upset than I was. But I did kinda enjoy it, because it was presented in a humorous light, and Angelina can make any movie worth seeing at least once. If you like seeing stuff blown up and shooting car chases, you'll probably love it.

After the movie we went to Barnes and Noble and scanned the sci-fi/fantasy section. I don't think she's actually tried more authors than me (if you don't count the Star Wars series authors) but we have a completely different list. It makes for interesting chatting... oh, and she told me about an alternate history novel by Silverburg where the gypsies of Earth are actually a race from another planet, I neeeed to read that. I am a nuevogypsy, after all.

Finally she took me home, since it was late and she had to get up early the next morning... But we started talking about more soul-ish things, and I asked her if she wanted to go sit on my bed and talk. I totally expected her to say no, since it was late and all, but she said yes, so we did. I mostly just listened and played with her hair, rubbed her back. She has a lot on her mind right now. I felt more comfortable with her than I've ever been -- it's amazing what letting go of expectations will do. (I need to remember that) I felt honored to be there for her. She's such an amazing person.

My birth name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

My birth name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

My name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the name Kristen, I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead. heh.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

I have so much to say and it's all jostling for position and so I can't get any of it out, it's like it bottlenecks... that's why lately there have been several times when I haven't posted for days... and that's why there have been a flood of posts (relatively) today, I finally decided "so what if no one reads all this because I posted too much in one day, I need to get it out." And I'm not backdating either, so there! :-p

So, my evil twin came over and we talked and talked and talked... while doing other things, of course. It's safe to say that we are friends again, on a level we've never been before. We were friends way back in middle and high school, but that was almost always just for fun, nothing too intimate. Yet I did consider her a best friend, right after Rebecca, just in a totally different way... anyway.

First she locked her keys in the car, so we called around for a locksmith (all ridiculously expensive), and I called my uncle who knows a lot about cars (he built his first car!) but while I was on the phone with him learning how to use a coathanger to open it, Kristen went outside and pushed the window down. Apparently it was broken, but it hadn't occurred to her to push it down. Oh the blondness!

Then she and I went out, to the Dwarf House (because she became addicted to chic-fil-a in the 4 years she worked there) and to my favorite little coffeehouse, and she poured out her heart to me. She's had a very hard time lately... ( ... )

It wasn't the most light-hearted evening, but it was fun all the same. We rocked out to some Gwen in her mustang convertible... I forgave it for being a mustang when she put the top down. What an awesome feeling. I must have a convertible some day... preferably a violet 97 firebird formula, sexeh!

Then we went back to my house, sat in her car and smoked a raspberry cigarillo (we didn't go inside because of Ben's asthma) -- I had never smoked before and I was curious. We shared one because I didn't know if I would be able to smoke one entirely, so we were passing it back and forth when our mormon neighbors came home and walked right by us -- I told Kristen they were mormons and we giggled wondering if they thought we were smoking a joint.

Oddly I had no problems with it -- yet secondhand cigarette smoke makes my lungs physically hurt. (maybe it was because we were outside) I tell you what, if it weren't so bad for you (and expensive and nasty-breath-inducing and voice-destroying), I would definitely smoke. I love playing with the smoke -- Kristen kept giggling at me for staring at the swirly patterns. And it just looks badass. Too bad it's so horrible health-wise.

I gave her her birthday present and made her put it on so I could take pictures:

She's so darn cyuuuute!!!

I think she liked it... I explained to her that "indomitable" was the one word that I thought best described her (a while ago I made several shirts for my friends with their 'characteristic' words). She didn't quite know how to react, but after she put it on she liked the way it looked, so I suppose it was good enough. It's glowpaint! which made her like it more. I still plan to get her something else, though, because I don't think she felt 'understood' enough from that present. Plus, I made it for last year's birthday and just never got it to her, so that made me feel a bit guilty.

I have so much to say and it's all jostling for position and so I can't get any of it out, it's like it bottlenecks... that's why lately there have been several times when I haven't posted for days... and that's why there have been a flood of posts (relatively) today, I finally decided "so what if no one reads all this because I posted too much in one day, I need to get it out." And I'm not backdating either, so there! :-p

So, my evil twin came over and we talked and talked and talked... while doing other things, of course. It's safe to say that we are friends again, on a level we've never been before. We were friends way back in middle and high school, but that was almost always just for fun, nothing too intimate. Yet I did consider her a best friend, right after Rebecca, just in a totally different way... anyway.

First she locked her keys in the car, so we called around for a locksmith (all ridiculously expensive), and I called my uncle who knows a lot about cars (he built his first car!) but while I was on the phone with him learning how to use a coathanger to open it, Kristen went outside and pushed the window down. Apparently it was broken, but it hadn't occurred to her to push it down. Oh the blondness!

Then she and I went out, to the Dwarf House (because she became addicted to chic-fil-a in the 4 years she worked there) and to my favorite little coffeehouse, and she poured out her heart to me. She's had a very hard time lately... ( ... )

It wasn't the most light-hearted evening, but it was fun all the same. We rocked out to some Gwen in her mustang convertible... I forgave it for being a mustang when she put the top down. What an awesome feeling. I must have a convertible some day... preferably a violet 97 firebird formula, sexeh!

Then we went back to my house, sat in her car and smoked a raspberry cigarillo (we didn't go inside because of Ben's asthma) -- I had never smoked before and I was curious. We shared one because I didn't know if I would be able to smoke one entirely, so we were passing it back and forth when our mormon neighbors came home and walked right by us -- I told Kristen they were mormons and we giggled wondering if they thought we were smoking a joint.

Oddly I had no problems with it -- yet secondhand cigarette smoke makes my lungs physically hurt. (maybe it was because we were outside) I tell you what, if it weren't so bad for you (and expensive and nasty-breath-inducing and voice-destroying), I would definitely smoke. I love playing with the smoke -- Kristen kept giggling at me for staring at the swirly patterns. And it just looks badass. Too bad it's so horrible health-wise.

I gave her her birthday present and made her put it on so I could take pictures:

She's so darn cyuuuute!!!

I think she liked it... I explained to her that "indomitable" was the one word that I thought best described her (a while ago I made several shirts for my friends with their 'characteristic' words). She didn't quite know how to react, but after she put it on she liked the way it looked, so I suppose it was good enough. It's glowpaint! which made her like it more. I still plan to get her something else, though, because I don't think she felt 'understood' enough from that present. Plus, I made it for last year's birthday and just never got it to her, so that made me feel a bit guilty.

I have so much to say and it's all jostling for position and so I can't get any of it out, it's like it bottlenecks... that's why lately there have been several times when I haven't posted for days... and that's why there have been a flood of posts (relatively) today, I finally decided "so what if no one reads all this because I posted too much in one day, I need to get it out." And I'm not backdating either, so there! :-p

So, my evil twin came over and we talked and talked and talked... while doing other things, of course. It's safe to say that we are friends again, on a level we've never been before. We were friends way back in middle and high school, but that was almost always just for fun, nothing too intimate. Yet I did consider her a best friend, right after Rebecca, just in a totally different way... anyway.

First she locked her keys in the car, so we called around for a locksmith (all ridiculously expensive), and I called my uncle who knows a lot about cars (he built his first car!) but while I was on the phone with him learning how to use a coathanger to open it, Kristen went outside and pushed the window down. Apparently it was broken, but it hadn't occurred to her to push it down. Oh the blondness!

Then she and I went out, to the Dwarf House (because she became addicted to chic-fil-a in the 4 years she worked there) and to my favorite little coffeehouse, and she poured out her heart to me. She's had a very hard time lately... ( ... )

It wasn't the most light-hearted evening, but it was fun all the same. We rocked out to some Gwen in her mustang convertible... I forgave it for being a mustang when she put the top down. What an awesome feeling. I must have a convertible some day... preferably a violet 97 firebird formula, sexeh!

Then we went back to my house, sat in her car and smoked a raspberry cigarillo (we didn't go inside because of Ben's asthma) -- I had never smoked before and I was curious. We shared one because I didn't know if I would be able to smoke one entirely, so we were passing it back and forth when our mormon neighbors came home and walked right by us -- I told Kristen they were mormons and we giggled wondering if they thought we were smoking a joint.

Oddly I had no problems with it -- yet secondhand cigarette smoke makes my lungs physically hurt. (maybe it was because we were outside) I tell you what, if it weren't so bad for you (and expensive and nasty-breath-inducing and voice-destroying), I would definitely smoke. I love playing with the smoke -- Kristen kept giggling at me for staring at the swirly patterns. And it just looks badass. Too bad it's so horrible health-wise.

I gave her her birthday present and made her put it on so I could take pictures:

She's so darn cyuuuute!!!

I think she liked it... I explained to her that "indomitable" was the one word that I thought best described her (a while ago I made several shirts for my friends with their 'characteristic' words). She didn't quite know how to react, but after she put it on she liked the way it looked, so I suppose it was good enough. It's glowpaint! which made her like it more. I still plan to get her something else, though, because I don't think she felt 'understood' enough from that present. Plus, I made it for last year's birthday and just never got it to her, so that made me feel a bit guilty.