One thing I have never understood is disdain for / disgust toward sex workers. Even when I was the Christianest Christian I've ever known, I never felt that. (Jesus treated full-service sex workers with respect so Jesus would say "it would be better if you drowned" to the so-called Christians who disdain sex workers -- because that is how you talk to religious bullies)

Last night I watched a scene in a show where a mom of a sick kid listens to a stripper describing how to swallow a pill so that you don't gag, which is something that the kid has been struggling with for months. Instead of being grateful that her kid now has a skill she needed to be healthy, and ashamed that she didn't previously treat the stripper character as a human, the sound faded out like it does in a panic attack. I was honestly worried that she was about to physically attack the stripper character.

In the next scene the mom is flipping the fuck out at someone else in clearly displaced rage. The mom describes her husband (bouncer at the strip club) as working at a job that makes *her* feel demeaned as a woman and as a mother. WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THIS???

And the worst part is, the show writer is obviously sympathetic to that attitude because it is being portrayed as if it is the "natural" response! It's not fucking natural! It's horrifying and it makes no sense! And the stripper's explanation about the pill was clearly being written for "comedic" value because it was almost entirely double entendres including things you would never say to a child, like "just let it happen." This character is a goddamn caricature and I still like her way better than the mom. Your anti-sex-worker bullshit makes you a bad person, period. You are dangerous and gross.

To make it even fucking worse, the husband in the "demeaning" job of bouncer had just saved the stripper from getting raped the night before. She was bringing over a gift basket as thanks. How is your response not "oh my god, my partner's work is actually really important, now I can be happy he has this job, and also I want to offer support to this person who got attacked"?!?!?!? How do you see her as a threat instead?!?!?

I'm kinda over the whole show from this. Ugh. Yet it was really fucking good in the first two seasons. Like, groundbreaking excellence in some ways. *tears hair out*

To deliberately use someone's vulnerabilities against them is to commit a great blasphemy against intimacy. Anyone who is willing to do that under ANY circumstances is not someone who deserves my trust. I consider it to be a deep emotional violation, as much the inverse of positive sharing as stabbing is the inverse of petting.

I think I am capable of hitting someone in rage; it's not likely, but if they are attacking someone I care about, or if I cannot escape and cannot otherwise stop them from hurting me, I might hit a person. I do not think there is any way I could possibly use a vulnerability shared with me in trust to attack someone. That is fucking evil. I wouldn't do it to the person I hate most in the world. I wouldn't do it to the fucking Koch brothers, and I'd cheerfully watch them drown.

things that make me feel accomplished right now:
having made at least 3 real friends out of acquaintances in the past 4 months
having broken up with Aurilion
having had productive conversations with Hannah
having written pretty steadily for the past 3 months
having spent more time with Kylei and Heather

things that make me feel anxious right now:
not knowing my final grade for stats this semester :-O
feeling unclear on if I got my assignments all in properly and also afraid of annoying the professor by asking and also pretty sure that I did so it doesn't feel worth it to ask
gardening (it's a deadline even though it isn't a firm one)
the fact that I've asked several professors for recommendation letters and they were all like "yes I'd love to!" and then didn't do it and I didn't respond to it within the time for it to not be awkward
the fact that said recommendation letters are necessary for any scholarship applications
the fact that I'm poor goddammit and need scholarship money
Topaz' stress and recent bout of migraines

things that make me angry right now:
everything
especially the fact that multiple people got to the end of a semester of a GWST class and still made the argument for an inevitable "natural" human urge to other and create hierarchy. Way to not learn a damn thing about human "nature."
also the sexist false narrative of fertilization.

things that would make me feel better (probably) but I feel too ADDfrazzled to do:
fractalling
writing more about TBC
editing photos
making icons
sleeping?
getting something/anything written so that I feel more in charge of my own brain

I had been trying to write that relationship update post for 4 days, but I was so mentally wiped out by the stats project that I've been working on that it took until now (after it was finished and then I had about 24 hours of sleep and brain-rest via silly shows) to be able to get started. I felt pretty frustrated with it. It's because I let too much build up and it got overwhelming so it took a long while to get the necessary energy to do it. Also on Thursday I had a super ADD-y night where I was able to start and work on stuff but it took 3 times as long as it should have because I kept getting distracted.

But this week, I planned carefully and got everything done. Saturday I did my homework for stats (due Wednesday), and Monday (very late) I did my reading and response for Love and Sex (due Tuesday night) and Tuesday I started work on my final project for stats and got to a point of done-enough so that I could get useful feedback from my professor Wednesday morning, I planned time for my Geography homework Wednesday and got it in with plenty of time, and Thursday (very late) I finished my final project (due Friday by 5pm). So the fact that I got so distracted Thursday night is not actually representative of my current mind-state with getting shit done.

I don't know why it happened, maybe it's just a thing that happens when I get in an argument (I don't do that very often; usually I disengage if it's not a productive conversation). I don't think I would have bothered except that it was with a person that Kylei likes so I thought there was hope for being listened to. Nope. That person unfriended me (I hate how facebook not only refuses to tell you who has unfriended you, they don't let any third party programs tell you either. fuck you facebook). No I don't care about your feelings when you defend use of a slur. The entitlement of thinking you deserve my politeness when you've just been hatefully rude, holy shit. Also, groaning with disgust at your rudeness is NOT disrespect, nor is paraphrasing your bullshit: it's just impolite. You're just not used to people talking back. You using slurs is fine, but me saying 'ugh' and calling your argument ridiculous is 'disrespect'? fuck that shit.

The more I think about this the angrier I get. You spent all that time trying to convince me that I was ruining the movement by being annoyed with you. Well now I'm pretty well determined not to engage with your type in a 'nice' way ever. I DON'T OWE YOU MY POLITENESS. YOU NEED TO EARN IT. And frankly it's a damn good litmus test as to your investment in ethics: if you won't correct yourself when someone tells you you're wrong in a rude way, then you wouldn't really have changed if they'd told you in a 'nice' way, you'd just have bothered to pretend. I know better and I'm not going to be convinced by your lies.

A world where Hannah and I were never friends is inconceivable for me. But even more so, myself without the changes Hannah has inspired in me; most importantly, how ze taught me to keep compassion in my anger.

My earliest education in how to be angry involved yelling, throwing things, calling names, breaking things, and generally trying to hurt the person one was angry at. Through my first romantic relationship I learned how to refrain from those things, and I thought I was really good at being angry without being a jerk. But then Hannah and I had our first fight. I was very angry and I did not want to hurt Hannah, so I withdrew into coldness and silence, trying to dissolve my anger before interacting. Hannah got very upset with me about this, which baffled me. Here I was, not attacking, restraining myself, trying to avoid being mean, and it wasn't enough? what more could ze possibly want?

We talked about it for some hours, and ze tried to explain to me that one could be angry and compassionate/kind at the same time -- that ze practiced this with zir partner Nick. I didn't even believe zir at first, because in my mind anger was the opposite of love, and they could not coexist. But when I saw how upset ze was, I realized that even though I was trying very hard not to hurt zir, my methods were doing just that. So I opened myself up to the possibility that one could be angry and compassionate at the same time. I asked how ze did it, and I do not remember any more what ze responded -- but it took root, grew and became an inextricable part of me. I didn't even realize this until I found myself getting upset with people for how they treated me when they were angry. In trying to articulate why, I verbalized how it is that I try to act when I am angry.

1) hold off on getting angry; assume good intentions. Most of the time, the anger is coming from a misinterpretation of someone else's behavior; first ASK what their motives are. Don't jump straight from "they did this" to "and that means BAD THINGS." Take a pause in the middle and ask. In my experience, the vast majority of the time people are not trying to hurt me. Most of the time they are missing some key information or understanding that would have prevented my upsetness.

2) treat them as a whole person; don't turn them into a cardboard cut-out labeled "enemy." Don't ignore or discount the good, even if they have been a total shithead for the past day and a half. Remind yourself of previous kindnesses, things that contradict the statement their actions seem to be making to you.

3) listen and empathize. Being understanding of their reasons does not invalidate your own pain. I used to refuse to empathize because I thought if I did, the other person would take that as proof that my suffering wasn't really that bad, or would ignore my suffering because they hurt too. But through practice I learned that it is possible to give compassion AND receive it in a situation of hurt on both sides.

4) don't disconnect. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to stay emotionally connected to someone who is hurting you, but it's a hell of a lot easier to rebuild afterward if you haven't severed bonds. I can understand when people do this because it is instinctual, but I believe it is the more damaging route. For me, at least, it definitely is.

I can't even imagine myself without these practices. Not that I'm always true to them; sometimes I need to be called out on my turning-people-into-cutouts, for sure -- but I do usually manage to follow #1 and avoid anger all together. But they are so much a part of my personhood that without them, I cannot conceive of the kind of person I would be.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

It's been ages since I wrote -- partly from busyness and partly because I was so freaking stressed about financial stuff that I could not spend time in reflective mindspace or I'd fixate on it. My financial aid finally came in this week (two and a half weeks into the semester, having no books) so I have a little room to breathe. and so much has been going on, argh, I'm frustrated that I haven't written.

Things are SO busy, I've scheduled weekly dates -- one with Kyle and one with Abby -- and I've started seeing Arizona again. When we broke up in November, it was mostly because at that point Arizona intended to stay at Serendipity for the rest of zir life, and wanted to be with someone who could become part of that family too. I couldn't do that and Arizona couldn't help hoping for it and it was making us both sad. But now zir life has taken a different turn, ze's making new roots with a new lover that ze's very serious with, and there are possibilities between us again. And it's pretty amazing -- I don't feel like the sad parts or separation damaged our connection at all; it feels even stronger than before. I think we're both much more 'ourselves' than we were when last we were together and when we touch and make eye contact I feel like a plant soaking up the sun. It's just so purely nourishing. Although I realized recently that the breakup was much harder for Arizona than for me, because I always thought that we'd get back together in a year or two, but ze thought we were over forever. I think one of the lessons I am most grateful for learning/believing is that if you have a true connection, and you leave space open for it, it will always come back (even though you can't predict when). When I lost Hannah the first time I thought I was going to die, and losing Aurilion the first time crushed me too -- but after a time, we reconnected. These things are too real to die (I think sometimes they might hibernate until the next lifetime, but they're eternal).

Classes are 3/4ths pretty cool, and 1/4th INFURIATING. ( ignorance and prejudice are ESPECIALLY INEXCUSABLE if people are trusting you to teach them )

My biosib S was in town last week and I went to dinner with zir and my bioparent M. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I was surprised. The evening ended up being S and I talking about real things, much to M's consternation (ze shook zir head and pursed zir lips and drew zir eyebrows but mostly stayed out of it). S asked who I was dating and I answered, which sparked a whole conversation about polyamory and queerness. The poly was a short conversation but the queerness conversation went on for a while -- S asked how it fit with my [religion/beliefs (can't remember the word ze used)] and I said, "ummm, it just fits? that's a vague question." Then ze tried to come up with a better question and I said that I understood that the church has an anti-homosexuality doctrine, but it's based on a handful of verses taken out of context and misinterpreted. M tried to challenge me and then got a bit intimidated because I clearly know those verses better than ze does. Then someone mentioned Sodom and I said that the sexual sin of Sodom was rape, and to claim otherwise is to say rape isn't that big of a deal. Which somehow got us on the topic of marital rape, and I tried to explain consent and coercion to S, which I think mostly went over zir head, but I think some of it got through. And M said that it wasn't rape unless it was forced and I corrected that lie (sternly). I was a little drunk by that point because S bought me a margarita and it was REALLY strong. But I was pretty happy that I didn't back down or even feel like backing down and it was actually kind of a relief to be able to confront those ideas directly with people I don't think will get it. With people whom I perceive as actually WANTING to understand ask, I speak so carefully, trying to say just the right thing. I think it's counterproductive sometimes, but I feel responsible. I think it might be better if I could stop worrying whether or not an individual is "won to the cause," and just say "that's ignorant and prejudiced, and here's why." I think the overcaution is the equivalent of trying to save people -- I need to stop thinking that I have the power to change people's minds, and just be naked and blunt and if they seem open, THEN speak carefully. I need to try for people who actually care instead of trying for everyone. Throw seeds everywhere, but only water the ones that sprout.

Anyway I ended up being impressed by how S listened, and decided that I wanted to try to have a friendship with zir. Amusingly, this is an attitude I developed from being poly. I learned that I could still find value in relationships that were the emotional equivalent of candy, because it wasn't that or nothing. I can have candy AND food that will actually nourish and satisfy me. I don't think I will ever be super close with S, but I think that ze can be a good way for me to learn communications that I won't otherwise learn, and I think I can help zir learn about people who are different from zir.

I am so fucking unhappy right now. ( cut for more of the same )

I am so fucking unhappy right now. ( cut for more of the same )

( and the ex loses the last shred of respect I had for zir )

heh, oh how appropriate the music I chose. Some part of me fucking knew and did it anyway. wow. I feel comforted by that. Me and my brave-or-masochistic heart.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed

( and the ex loses the last shred of respect I had for zir )

heh, oh how appropriate the music I chose. Some part of me fucking knew and did it anyway. wow. I feel comforted by that. Me and my brave-or-masochistic heart.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you, you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed

this is so exactly fucking IT that it makes me laugh a little.

( Alanis' 'You Oughta Know' )

this is so exactly fucking IT that it makes me laugh a little.

( Alanis' 'You Oughta Know' )

This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). ( And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me ( all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

( I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.

This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). ( And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me ( all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

( I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.

disclaimer: despite the tone of this post, I'm still radiantly happy overall, so no worries.

( financial shit with the ex )

If you don't want to read it, the happy news is that I have a job, and the relevance is that I'm keeping it a secret from my ex for now. And I've filtered this to people whom I'm pretty confident won't feel compelled to tell my ex.

ETA: I'm not mad that I'm not getting more money and I don't necessarily feel that I should (if I felt entitled to it, I'd be fighting for it). I'm bothered by this because it shows that yet another thing that I trusted in completely was just a massive lie.

disclaimer: despite the tone of this post, I'm still radiantly happy overall, so no worries.

( financial shit with the ex )

If you don't want to read it, the happy news is that I have a job, and the relevance is that I'm keeping it a secret from my ex for now. And I've filtered this to people whom I'm pretty confident won't feel compelled to tell my ex.

ETA: I'm not mad that I'm not getting more money and I don't necessarily feel that I should (if I felt entitled to it, I'd be fighting for it). I'm bothered by this because it shows that yet another thing that I trusted in completely was just a massive lie.

B (soon-to-be-ex-partner) just told me that ze "doesn't agree with" my "philosophies and lifestyle," and in fact hasn't for years. I've never been so betrayed; I've been lied to in such a massive way. I can't even really take it in. I've been living with a stranger.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to trust anymore. Who the fuck am I without that? How am I so easily fooled? Why do I trick myself into believing things that are so OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE??? Why don't I ever listen to my mind when things don't add up?

And I'm pretty angry with myself right now because I keep making the same fucking mistake. ( ... )

B (soon-to-be-ex-partner) just told me that ze "doesn't agree with" my "philosophies and lifestyle," and in fact hasn't for years. I've never been so betrayed; I've been lied to in such a massive way. I can't even really take it in. I've been living with a stranger.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to trust anymore. Who the fuck am I without that? How am I so easily fooled? Why do I trick myself into believing things that are so OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE??? Why don't I ever listen to my mind when things don't add up?

And I'm pretty angry with myself right now because I keep making the same fucking mistake. ( ... )

( I've disliked the idea of a certain person becoming president, but that was as intense as it got... )

Edited to be more accurate to what I mean -- I was angry and overstated, saying that I "hate" McCain which is not accurate.

( I've disliked the idea of a certain person becoming president, but that was as intense as it got... )

Edited to be more accurate to what I mean -- I was angry and overstated, saying that I "hate" McCain which is not accurate.

( I've disliked the idea of a certain person becoming president, but that was as intense as it got... )

Edited to be more accurate to what I mean -- I was angry and overstated, saying that I "hate" McCain which is not accurate.

*hissss* You know what irritates me? When people come to me and try to lecture me about something that I know far more about -- something I have put hours and hours into educating myself about, while they have never done the slightest bit of research. I offer well-reasoned, well-supported arguments and they don't even read them, instead respond by going off on an absolute tangent that had nothing to do with what I said. I seriously need to stop casting pearls before swine. At least I've learned to drop it before they turn and trample me also.

( thank you PJ & Dolores! )

heh, I ran out of anger before I finished making this post but I'm making it anyway! If you're snarly today give me a hell yeah. ;-)

*hissss* You know what irritates me? When people come to me and try to lecture me about something that I know far more about -- something I have put hours and hours into educating myself about, while they have never done the slightest bit of research. I offer well-reasoned, well-supported arguments and they don't even read them, instead respond by going off on an absolute tangent that had nothing to do with what I said. I seriously need to stop casting pearls before swine. At least I've learned to drop it before they turn and trample me also.

( thank you PJ & Dolores! )

heh, I ran out of anger before I finished making this post but I'm making it anyway! If you're snarly today give me a hell yeah. ;-)

*hissss* You know what irritates me? When people come to me and try to lecture me about something that I know far more about -- something I have put hours and hours into educating myself about, while they have never done the slightest bit of research. I offer well-reasoned, well-supported arguments and they don't even read them, instead respond by going off on an absolute tangent that had nothing to do with what I said. I seriously need to stop casting pearls before swine. At least I've learned to drop it before they turn and trample me also.

( thank you PJ & Dolores! )

heh, I ran out of anger before I finished making this post but I'm making it anyway! If you're snarly today give me a hell yeah. ;-)

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

I've been thinking that I must sometimes come across as schizophrenic or manic-depressive. I'll make a super-happy post and then a depressed one, or I'll post about something I'm really upset about and then I'll make happy comments on other people's posts. To some, it may seem that I am insincere or like I exaggerate everything, but that's not the case.

Something I've always done is keep my positive and negative feelings separate -- I'd rather feel violet some of the time and orange some of the time, instead of brown all the time. I like to feel things at their full intensity, and not dull them by mixing. I remember even as a child, thinking that I'd rather live a roller coaster than a train. Maybe it's my Gemini ascendant. ;-)

I've just recently realized that because of this style of feeling, I tend to post less and comment less because I don't want to seem contradictory, or crazy, or seem like my sadnesses and my joys aren't sincere. I've had such a complex mix of feelings lately, which has brought this up. (also it was brought to my attention because of a misunderstanding it caused)

Right now, I'm so happy about my camera, so grateful to two of my friends who have reached out to me lately ♥ and happy about my relationship with Ben, and how Kanika is growing up... and I've also been thinking a lot about social issues, developing my ideas and beliefs at an intense rate, which makes me feel productive and passionate. and I've been creative, making jewelry for myself again. and at the same time, I'm intensely depressed. I feel like a pariah. I'm ashamed of myself for having hurt some friends, and at the same time, so sick of thinking about it -- it was a mistake, I would have forgiven someone else long ago but I can't seem to forgive myself. And in other situations, I feel like there is something about me that makes people want to dump me, but the only things I can think would be the cause are things I believe in, things I cannot put aside without feeling like I am betraying myself. I'm missing old friends and I keep seeing Allison everywhere (it's not actually her, but I keep thinking I see her). I'm extremely depressed about something that I can't even let myself think about for more than a minute without getting absolutely overwhelmed with anger-depression-pain-rage-aching-sorrow-loneliness. I want to dig out a hole in the ground and curl up and lay there and let the ground absorb my sickness. I feel so so so alone, for reasons I can't even express to myself -- I feel like I've regressed. It makes me angry to think I've lost ground. I'm tired of being not-good-enough! I've been cynical this week. If you know me at all, you know that's serious. I don't know what to do, I'm trying to get out of this rut, I'm trying my damnedest. I haven't felt this nasty dry feeling -- this rage at the world that borders on hate -- in years. It's horrid. It makes me want to climb out of my own skin to escape it. I want to run away from everything I know and drown myself in a different life. I want a giant change; I want to close this chapter, it disgusts me.

There's a lot I want to update about, especially Thursday, meeting SabR and Kazi and the cleansing ceremony with Ashley.

But right now I'm angry about so many things. Mainly at abusive people -- kevin, my dad, my aunt -- who try their damndest to control, use, and suck the energy out of the lives of those I love. Spouting lies, believing them, using them as a net to try to capture prey. And I admit it, I feel a little anger at my loved ones for not taking care of people whom I love -- themselves. Kick the abuser out and keep them out! They have no concept of a mutual relationship -- they just want to take from you. And if you let them, you're harming the both of you -- it's like enabling an alcoholic. They don't know what they need, and you giving them the substitute they crave just keeps them from really living.

It's never a good thing to yield to an abusive person; it's not good, it's not generous, it's not loving. There can be no real love where there is not respect -- for both self and other. There can be affection, fondness, but never true love. Love is wanting the greatest good for the both of you, and being willing to sacrifice for that (including sacrificing the relationship!). That desire can only develop in the presence of deep respect for the innate worth of both yourself and the other.

There's a lot I want to update about, especially Thursday, meeting SabR and Kazi and the cleansing ceremony with Ashley.

But right now I'm angry about so many things. Mainly at abusive people -- kevin, my dad, my aunt -- who try their damndest to control, use, and suck the energy out of the lives of those I love. Spouting lies, believing them, using them as a net to try to capture prey. And I admit it, I feel a little anger at my loved ones for not taking care of people whom I love -- themselves. Kick the abuser out and keep them out! They have no concept of a mutual relationship -- they just want to take from you. And if you let them, you're harming the both of you -- it's like enabling an alcoholic. They don't know what they need, and you giving them the substitute they crave just keeps them from really living.

It's never a good thing to yield to an abusive person; it's not good, it's not generous, it's not loving. There can be no real love where there is not respect -- for both self and other. There can be affection, fondness, but never true love. Love is wanting the greatest good for the both of you, and being willing to sacrifice for that (including sacrificing the relationship!). That desire can only develop in the presence of deep respect for the innate worth of both yourself and the other.

There's a lot I want to update about, especially Thursday, meeting SabR and Kazi and the cleansing ceremony with Ashley.

But right now I'm angry about so many things. Mainly at abusive people -- kevin, my dad, my aunt -- who try their damndest to control, use, and suck the energy out of the lives of those I love. Spouting lies, believing them, using them as a net to try to capture prey. And I admit it, I feel a little anger at my loved ones for not taking care of people whom I love -- themselves. Kick the abuser out and keep them out! They have no concept of a mutual relationship -- they just want to take from you. And if you let them, you're harming the both of you -- it's like enabling an alcoholic. They don't know what they need, and you giving them the substitute they crave just keeps them from really living.

It's never a good thing to yield to an abusive person; it's not good, it's not generous, it's not loving. There can be no real love where there is not respect -- for both self and other. There can be affection, fondness, but never true love. Love is wanting the greatest good for the both of you, and being willing to sacrifice for that (including sacrificing the relationship!). That desire can only develop in the presence of deep respect for the innate worth of both yourself and the other.

I just finished my 'homework' for small group counseling tomorrow, and I feel so drained. It's so hard to face... especially with me not knowing what really happened! At least, not knowing most of it.

Trust is the hardest thing to do when you've had someone violently destroy your most sacred self. I shake my head and think, no wonder I've always found trust a nearly impossible task. Even squeezing out just a drop is an exhausting process. I've learned to do it with most women fairly easily, but with males and authority figures (even worse, the two combined) I have made scarcely any progress at all. I trust Ben more than I've ever trusted a man -- but I hold back so much, stuff that I don't even realize.

I'm so full of rage. It saps my energy... when I finally let it out, what else is left?

I just finished my 'homework' for small group counseling tomorrow, and I feel so drained. It's so hard to face... especially with me not knowing what really happened! At least, not knowing most of it.

Trust is the hardest thing to do when you've had someone violently destroy your most sacred self. I shake my head and think, no wonder I've always found trust a nearly impossible task. Even squeezing out just a drop is an exhausting process. I've learned to do it with most women fairly easily, but with males and authority figures (even worse, the two combined) I have made scarcely any progress at all. I trust Ben more than I've ever trusted a man -- but I hold back so much, stuff that I don't even realize.

I'm so full of rage. It saps my energy... when I finally let it out, what else is left?

counseling was horrible... I want to write but I don't have the words...

and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.

I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.

I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.

I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.

Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.

counseling was horrible... I want to write but I don't have the words...

and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.

I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.

I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.

I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.

Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.

Fleas! Uh. I got so behind on my LJing because I just couldn't concentrate on anything, I was so frustrated I was snapping at Ben a lot... so despite our limited funds we went out and bought flea powder and spray and killed the damn things! It took more than a day to see a difference, though, and I was worried that the powder wasn't working, but they got weaker and slower and now finally it has been a full day since I've seen one! And we got Advantage for Kanika and she finally has her energy back -- she was scratching so much she didn't even have the energy to play. So if you ever have flea problems, use Adams powder, leave it on for 48 hours, vaccuum, and then use Adams spray wherever it's impossible to vaccuum.

You wouldn't think something so small would affect you so much but I was SO upset about it. I felt unsafe and invaded and SO frustrated because I couldn't keep them from jumping on me! And then I'd smush and smush them between my fingers and they'd hop away unfazed when I opened my fingers!

But it's over now, hallelujah.