It's been four weeks since I started classes again and it just hit me that this path I've committed to is not what I want for my life. I don't want a safe degree and a good job with a steady paycheck. I want to run away, I want to be free, I want to live on the edges and scrape by, I want to live out of my car, I want to have just enough to survive. At this point though, I feel like I've made a commitment and I have to see it through. But everything about it feels so WRONG. The ridiculous hoops one has to jump through to 'prove' that one has learned, the rating of progress by numbers. I loathe it. I just want to live. Why are there so many damn rules about how to do that?

And for whatever reason, it seems to have set off my -- I don't know what to call it, cisgender dysphoria? -- I feel completely alienated and disconnected. Maybe it's seeing so many more people than I'm used to (I very rarely went to places with loads of people for the last 7 years) and none of them being noticeably genderqueer. And I know you can't tell by the way someone looks but I feel like it can be picked up in this sort of movement/attitude way? I don't know. I feel really desperately lonely, having no one to talk to who also feels uncomfortable living in a pink and blue world. I need a sense of genderqueer community. Anita suggested joining the LGBT group for my school and I'm going to look into that but even queer people tend to pick pink or blue and play along with gender so I'm not very hopeful.

It does NOT HELP that people keep faking agreement with my genderfree philosophy and then saying "oh just kidding, I think you're a dumbass/liar/whore." (I'm not kidding or exaggerating) How can I have genuine conversations with people about gender when they either just don't understand what I'm saying or they understand it and don't care about it or they fake agreement to get something and then reveal it for a lie when the attempt fails? Why does no one care that people aren't allowed to be fully human?

I just want to live in a world where everyone is uncomfortable with prefabricated, limited identity and everyone shows their trueself and everyone refuses to rate other people and everyone calls out faking or non-thinking actions. Why is that so fucking impossible to find?