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belenen: (Default)
belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (Default)
no longer fetishizing spiritual connection: falling in love is for mutually nourishing relationships
icon: "artless (a painting of a nude person in sun-dappled shade, unselfconsciously pulling off red stockings. They have a soft round belly and breasts that slope down)"

It has been about 2 years now since I last got my heart broken, and it has been about 3 years since I last fell in love. For a while I would fall every year or two and get my heart absolutely trampled, but I've been cautious for a while now.

I can afford to be cautious because I am fully nourished by my relationship with Topaz and I am more in love with them than I have ever been with anyone. I do want to experience falling in love with someone else again, since I know it will be such a different experience now.

I don't fetishize my relationships anymore which is a completely different experience that allows me to observe them in a much truer way. By fetishize I mean, I elevated the importance of connection far above the practicalities of helping each other get needs met.

In the past I have endured people putting no effort in, trying to push me to give to them in ways that would harm me, not expressing appreciation for who I am and what I do, not expressing encouragement for my growth, not being willing to learn themselves, and/or not trying to understand and fully know me. I did this because I felt an intuitive connection with the person and I wanted to keep experiencing that so badly that I was willing to suffer for 90% of the relationship for the sake of that 10% of connection.

I'm no longer doing this, not because I made a choice to stop doing it, but because I stopped over-valuing "spiritual" connections. It was a leftover fetish from when I was religious, and it was a really damaging one because I put that sensation at higher importance than anything else. I still love feeling an intuitive connection with someone, and it is still magical to me and something I feel super lucky to have with Topaz, but it is NOT more important than being treated with respect, appreciation, consent, and curiosity.

Before I let myself fall in love again, I will need to know that the person can be: appreciative of who I am (not just what I do), more than willing to navigate conflict with me, curious & eager to know me, independently growing, encouraging of my growth, open and honest, willing and able to invest effort in building our relationship, considering my emotions as important in making decisions that affect me, and not yearning for more than I can freely give. All of these things I offer in a relationship and for me to feel fulfilled I need to receive them as well.

If I never find another person like this, that is okay. I already got luckier than I would have ever imagined possible to have all of this and more with Topaz. And I can still build meaningful and nourishing connections without being in love.


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belenen: (Default)
I'm forever shit at comments, sorry / stressed out about my car
icon: "giving (two cartoon figures: one fills in a heart with red marker on its chest while the other watches. Then the other points at it and "...?" appears as a thought above it. The one with the heart on it smiles and glomp-hugs the other, who looks startled, then blushes and hugs back. The first one pulls away again and the heart has been copied onto the second one's chest. both smile. image repeats.)"

Well I lost my streak but I'm gonna try again because it was really good for me. I got a bunch of stuff posted that had been half-finished for a long time and that felt good. And 11 days is the longest streak I have had in a REALLY long time. But I remembered that part of why I don't post every day is that there's this horrible paradox where if nobody comments then I feel invisible, but whenever people comment and I don't reply I feel guilty. But I also want to read and reply on my flist and I usually don't have time for both.

So, often I don't post because I have built up too much guilt about not replying to comments. I'm just going to have to accept that I do this, and until I get enough programming knowledge to make an app (that doesn't suck) for reading and replying on LJ, I will just have to warn people: I suck at replies and am only slightly better at commenting on other people's posts. I wish I was better but it is a mental thing that I don't seem able to control. It's related to my ADHD -- because it reloads the page after every comment, each one feels like a context switch, and context switches wear my brain out SO BADLY.

My car worked for a good three days after the last examination before it went out. I have been taking lyft to the bus stop every day, and while I'm grateful that I can do this and that I know how to handle myself when I don't have enough money, it is very stressful. Worse is that Jeff -- my mechanic who I have been taking my cars to for a decade and a half -- is now semi-retired and I couldn't get in touch with him when I needed to move my car from where it had been sitting in a friend's carport.

So I asked for recommendations from locals and picked the nearest one and talked with them. They seemed decent so I had it towed to them. Then they did not check out the part I said was the problem, quoted me a price that was easily $70 over what it should have been, and informed me after the fact that they were gonna charge me $50 for glancing at my engine. I was furious, but felt helpless because I don't know that anywhere else would be better, and I was literally about to give them the go-ahead when Jeff finally texted and begged me to call him. I did, and he recommended me someone else and offered to pay for another tow (because he felt bad about being out of touch when I needed help), so now I'm waiting to hear back about that.

I feel a lot better with Jeff helping me find someone else to trust. And Jeff knows that my car is vulnerable to unethical mechanics because I have my politics clearly written on my car (literally, with paint), and he assured me that this new guy will treat me right (he referenced that the new guy had grown up in a very non-conservative part of Atlanta). He thought about something that I would be worried about and reassured me without me even having to ask.

When I thought I was going to have to find a new mechanic on my own, I felt just hopeless about it, and I realized fully how lucky I am to have a mechanic who listens to me, respects me, and treats me as a friend. Jeff is a straight cis white man over 50 who puts most white men (including young or gay or trans white men) to shame when it comes to respecting people. And Jeff has told me to call him if I am ever stranded and need a ride (and he means it). I feel so lucky to know him.


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belenen: (Default)
my spiritual connections with my former betta, Hyacinthe, & current cat, Kanika
icon: "Kanika kitty (my cat in profile with a blown-out background. Kanika is stark black with golden eyes, and looks like a statue of Bastet)"

I'm now trading prompts with my local friend [livejournal.com profile] sandracaprice as well. They are new to LJ so hopefully this will help them grow into this space a bit! This first prompt they created:

Have you ever had a spiritual connection with an animal (domesticated or wild)? If yes, explain the circumstances and how the experience changed you.

Yes. With many to various extents, but more than most with my first betta fish, Hyacinthe, and with my current cat companion, Kanika. I had Hyacinthe for about 2 years, and during those years I started having dreams about fish. In some I was rescuing fish from shallow, gasping bits of water and in others, I was walking into rooms filled with water to share space with fish. I feel like Hyacinthe was a dream-traveler with me. Before I knew Hyacinthe I might not have guessed that a tiny fish could have such personality, but when I got to know Hya, I knew that creatures don't need a large brain to have their own personality. Fish became a huge part of my dreamworld due to Hyacinthe mostly.

Kanika has been my companion for 12 years now (13 in January). This cat is the wildest 'domesticated' cat I've ever met. I got Kanika when they were just a few weeks old and when we met, this super-active kitten let me pick them up and hold them, and lay on their back in my hands for a good 10 seconds making eye contact with me -- that was when I knew this was my cat. Such a trusting moment for such a suspicious little being!

Shortly before Kanika came to live with me, I started going through treatment for childhood sexual abuse, and uncovering that was traumatic. As I progressed I got worse before I got better: I became agoraphobic and paranoid about strangers, and Kanika being such an empathetic creature was terrified with me. Kanika still responds to a loud knock at the door with a jump-and-run response whenever it startles me, but now I can just say "it's okay, 'Nika" and make eye contact and they will calm down. When they are anxious I can almost always calm them by making eye contact and radiating calm at them, with or without soothing words.

Kanika has a very powerful spiritual/energetic presence, which has become profoundly clear to several people who were interacting with Kanika in a moment of full awareness. I consider Kanika to be my familiar, and I think they consider me their witch (whatever the cat equivalent of that is). They will check on me when I don't feel good and will tell me when it is time to go to sleep (though I don't often listen). Whenever I meditate/chant they want to be in my lap (which they otherwise don't ever want to be, as they don't like being surrounded) and they will participate in any ritual that I do if they're in the house when I do it. If I am feeling bad they will lay on me and/or knead me, much more than they do when I'm fine.

They are particular about what energy they like to be near -- they will only lay on me if they can lay on my sacral energy center on my back, or my willpower energy center on my front, and if I am on my side they will drape across me with their front paws so that their chest is aligned with the energy center they like rather than sitting on my side. In the past few years, their favorite spot has been to lie just above my head in my crown energy center. They appear in my dreams pretty regularly, especially when they sleep in my crown.

They are very sensitive to energy and I have learned that when Kanika says no, I should listen. Kanika is a better judge of who a person is at that moment, including what they are carrying, than I could ever hope to be. I tend to focus on intentions and possibilities sometimes to the exclusion of actions and realities and that gets me in trouble a lot. They will also bounce back my own energy so they can be snappish because I'm anxious or stressed, which helps me realize that my energy is being drained and then I can take action about it.

I don't know how I have been changed due to these connections. I think I have learned that all animals have feelings, but I learned that as much through reading as through my interactions. Kanika has been my companion for a third of my life! They've been around since I was with my first lover. Having Kanika has changed the course of my life because if I didn't have Kanika, I would probably have moved in with Topaz or into some shared hippie house by now, so in a way Kanika helps enforce my need for a truly solitary place where I can cocoon myself in my own beingness. Also for good or ill, they make it really important that people who direct their anxiety outward and people who are disrespectful of animals' boundaries not come to my house. I appreciate my furry little housemate for being a fierce, powerful guardian. I feel honored to be respected and defended by such a creature.


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belenen: (slytherin)
could-be safety
icon: "slytherin (a closeup of the Slytherin crest: a rearing silver serpent in front of a green background patterned in stylized waves of water and plush upholstery)"


there are reasons to fear me
I am a clawed, fanged creature
with no shame
and far too much emotion
I will bite
(if you should earn it)
I'm brimming with fight
If you don't know yet
you'll learn it

but here I am )


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belenen: (self-love)
to connect, I must be vulnerable: to be vulnerable, I must allow my imperfections to be witnessed
icon: "self-love (me sitting against the trunk of a Magnolia, leaning my head back, head turned to the side with my violet hair falling across my face, arms wrapped around my belly in a soft hug.)"

I'm crying right now because I just read a TED talk that felt like a portrait of my soul. (thank you thank you [livejournal.com profile] deatacita for sharing it) Particularly this:

"...these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary." (emphasis mine)

If there is ever an aspect of me that you want to emulate, I hope it is my willingness to be imperfect and witnessed in that imperfection, even in my worst aspects. If I ever seem to be hiding my imperfections, I beg you call me on it. I must not lose my willingness to be witnessed as a complete mess, or I will lose my soul.


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belenen: (rainbowarrior)
22 months writing image descriptions: 4 awesome side-effects / resources & explanation of the need
icon: "rainbowarrior (me, face at a sharp angle, staring boldly with a streak of rainbow light falling on the side of my face, through my eye to light up the pupil so that it looks like its glowing)"

After 22 months of using image descriptions, I've noticed some great side-effects:
  1. I notice things more. When I write an image description, I have to really look at the image multiple times, and most of the time I realize aspects that before I would never have brought to my consciousness. In this way I get to look at it for the first time twice. It's a great mind-sensation. This used to happen for me when I edited photos I took, but now I can have it for any image whether I created it or not.

  2. I've grown far better skill at describing things. I have to figure out what is important for meaning and feeling, and put that into words. I have come to be much more aware of lighting, textures, and mood.

  3. I am more intentional in what I share of both my own and others' images. There is a bit more work to sharing things, so I don't just click 'share' on any image I come across that I like. Instead, my feed ends up being weighted toward original content. I value creation deeply and am grateful that that little bit of extra work keeps me from ever getting in the habit of merely re-sharing others' content.

  4. It has made me more expressive. Rather than popping in an emoticon, I have resurrected the art of emoting: I will type *smiles* or *excited bouncing* and this is oddly far more vulnerable and makes me feel far more connected.

Even if I didn't have great side-effects AND I had no friends who were blind or low-vision, this would still be very important for two reasons. 1) I make public posts, and many people who I am not friends with can observe my shares. 2) To make the web accessible, EVERYONE has to do this. More than 1 out of every 50 people in the US has a visual disability (and that number quadruples when you don't count children under age 16) which makes it likely that some of your friends or at least some of your friends-of-friends have a visual disability. I use image descriptions partly to influence sighted people to start writing them also and stop excluding blind & low-vision people by default.

Len Burns, a blind facebook user, writes:
"As one who strives to fully participate in community, I value what you communicate. Each time I am excluded from your conversations because a photo is undescribed, stings. When the "sting" is multiplied hundreds of times per day, I feel excluded and unvalued. Plain and simply, it hurts like hell... If inclusion matters to you, really matters, describe the next photo you post, the one after that, and before you know, it will become a habit. Choosing not to describe a photo or consider the accessibility of other media you plan to use does not differ from ignoring physical barriers that exclude people from community. Exclusion is exclusion. If inclusion is a core value, please think before you post. Thank you."

This past March the official twitter app gave users the ability to add image descriptions, but you have to enable this in the accessibility settings. This allows users to give descriptions that are just for screenreaders (which otherwise would take up the whole tweet). This is a great first step, but people have to be proactive, and the fact that it is an option rather than a requirement reinforces the idea that access for blind/low-vision people isn't important.

A few weeks after twitter released this, facebook released AAT (Automatic Alternative Text), which is nearly useless, as Tasha Raella explains:
"I am a blind Facebook user, and examples of image descriptions I have received so far include 'Image may contain indoor,' 'image may contain one person smiling,' and 'image may contain hat.' ... Rather than questioning the assumption that providing image descriptions is a burden and that blind people’s access needs are blind people’s problem, Facebook is reinforcing the ableist status quo...

As it is currently implemented, Facebook’s automated image description tool promotes independence, rather than interdependence. It sends the message, loud and clear, 'Don’t bother writing a description of your new baby. Our AI has it covered.' In ten or twenty years, that might be the case, but not now. With existing technology, the only way to ensure full and meaningful access to images is to encourage sighted users to describe their photos."
I heartily encourage you to begin writing image descriptions, at least in any shared space such as facebook groups or LJ communities. They don't have to be fancy; something like "[image: photo of dog with a bone]" or "[image: cartoon of two kids holding hands]" is just fine. I use more in-depth description when I'm describing art such as my icons. I could also describe my icon for this post as "photo: my face" and while a blind person would not get the feel of the image from that, they would get the information that I am using an image of myself to introduce this post, and that might give a variety of impressions, depending on how they interpret that act. Such a bare-bones description at least gives the most basic info.

Some resources on writing image descriptions:


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belenen: (analytical)
poll: self-labels, core values, yearnings, connecting activities, creation
icon: "analytical (a close-up photo of my eye in bright sunlight, showing the green and grey and roots-looking patterns)"

[Poll #2038198]

If you run out of room, feel free to comment!


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belenen: (tree goddess)
my experience with spiritual community in my past / my ideal spiritual community
icon: "tree goddess (me sitting against the trunk of a Magnolia, with eyes closed, leaning back, arms above my head and twisted so that I have my palms on the tree trunk.)"

what are your experiences with spiritual communities? (from here)

I had one I really loved from age 13 to age 22, liberty church; everyone was friendly, the sermons were useful in a practical way (as in, not just saying "don't lie 'cause god said so" but "lying creates these harms, and here are some ways to be more honest"), racism was acknowledged and actively resisted through a multiracial leadership, emphasis on the fact that Jesus wasn't white, and the encouragement of interracial friendship (though now looking back it was really a surface-level resistance, with no real discussion of privilege), the worship felt real and genuine while the songs were more about connection than groveling, and for many years the pastor began sermons with "this is just my interpretation: you must check with God, your own spirit, and the Bible to be sure it is true." But the pastor quit doing that and attacked me and told me I didn't belong when I pointed out that Jesus said love is more important than anything, including getting more people to join your church. Since then I have had little moments of spiritual community, but nothing that really included me in any lasting way.

what would your ideal spiritual community "look" like, given your beliefs now?

It is a group of people with varying beliefs and pantheons, but shared values of justice and reverence as well as strong love of the forest. We meet once a week for an hour via videochat, to meditate and maybe chant or sing or dance or do ritual movement. We meet in person once a month and take turns presenting and teaching each other things we had learned (if there were long-distance members they would videochat in just for the learning portion). At our meetings we also share food, gift each other energy, and perhaps perform ritual or create/work on sacred objects. At least twice a year we offer whatever spiritual services we can perform (energy work, divination, etc) to our local community. We have some kind of dedicated message thread on fb or email and if we have an intuitive urge or a spiritual need or the like, we share it with the group. We make specific goals for growth and tell each other and hold each other accountable (when desired) to making efforts towards these goals.


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belenen: (tenebrous)
feeling undesirable/unimportant due to lack of friends (except odd squad) & lack of group connection
icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"

a whole lot of the same old pain - and complaints despite my blessings )


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belenen: (heart in my throat)
connecting w E (who is open, self-aware, present) - talking on facebook, in-person conversation
I met a new person at the cuddle communion I hosted last month, and about two weeks ago I messaged them saying that I liked their posts on fb and I liked their presence at the cuddle gather, and asked if they'd like to meet up. They said yes and expressed appreciation for the cuddle gather and the offer to meet up, and shared stuff about themselves in response, which made me feel welcome to know them. We made a plan, interspersed with sharing random but quite meaningful things. Every question I asked was given a thoughtful, self-aware answer. I talked with Topaz about our conversation and they said that E seems like someone they could enjoy getting to know (high praise!). The first plan got pushed back, and finally we met up yesterday.

It was really great! Though I got inexplicably super nervous as I was parking, I felt better once we sat and started talking at the coffee shop. Conversation flowed so easily and they asked questions to deepen their understanding of things I shared, and oh, it was so full of topics. I shared a lot more about my history than usual, which I'm just now realizing is because people don't usually ask. Also I realized through noticing my behavior in this conversation that I tend to tell one layer of a story and then stop - then, if the person expresses interest (sometimes with face sometimes with words), I'll tell the next layer, but usually they're ready to move on (or perhaps they don't realize there are more layers). I really like being asked new questions, or questions about which I haven't thought much. They asked if I had ever been in a monogamous relationship, which made me laugh. I volunteered some shares as well, because I got no signs of disinterest from them. So I told them about how I didn't consider my marriage a mistake because of how it gave me what I needed to work through childhood sexual abuse. Then we talked about how coping with trauma can form a kind of relationship that is very difficult to break free from even if it is not good for you. And I talked about how I am bad about losing myself when someone I love needs care and how I can't live with a lover (at least not one-on-one) for that reason. They shared with me too and were quite open to my questions. I felt totally in-tune with them by the end of the conversation, to the point where I felt their words before I heard them.

They had to leave after 3 hours to go give their partner a ride, and I really didn't want them to go! I felt like we had just started talking. But I didn't say that of course, because it would have been pressure-y and greedy and probably irrational. I told them that I really like talking to them (and realized how much more vulnerable present tense is than past!) and they said they did too and we should do it again. I asked if they wanted to plan now or later and they said later (and gave reasons) but that they didn't want me to think that there was a "gradient of interest" because they do genuinely want to meet again. They said they're starting to get over their worry that I won't like them and I emphatically told them they didn't need to worry, I definitely like them. They said something about me being smart and something else I don't remember. I don't like it when people call me smart because it usually means they feel intimidated and I don't like to intimidate people (unless they're being disrespectful). But they seemed to be mentioning it in a context of deconstructing the intimidation, at least that was the feeling I got. The end of our conversation was a little awkward and a lot cute. They seemed a little embarrassed and bit their lip.

Also! During the meaningful conversation on facebook (which is rare and weird for me) I recommended them the Elysium Cycle and when we met up they mentioned that they had started reading it!!!!!!! I mean, I'm pretty sure it was less than a week ago that I recommended it, so I feel super flattered and happy that they already got it and started it.

Today I asked how they were feeling after I noticed what may have been a change in their emotion when they were writing, and they confirmed the shift. I don't usually notice shifts in emotion via text only. Seems significant. I feel like they might be a violet spirit. I keep wanting to ask them a million questions, and it is hard to wait until they have a chance to answer the one I just asked. I haven't been this excited about connecting with a new person in years. It's so rare to feel that 'click' and I am worried I'm imagining it. I'm feeling a little too eager and a little too exposed to post this publicly yet!


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belenen: (oneness)
what makes me fall in love & how it feels when I am in love
icon: "oneness (the characters Keenan and Joan from "Playing By Heart," sitting so close together that their shoulders overlap and their faces nearly touch, both with laughing smiles as they look in the same direction)"

Feeling/being in love, for me, is not sexual at all, nor is it related to looks, nor can it be sparked by social scripts. I cannot fall in love at first sight if the person isn't doing or saying anything.  I cannot fall in love from someone buying me things or taking me to fun places or giving me compliments or making me laugh or sharing my hobbies or making me feel like the center of their world.

What makes me fall in love? Feeling a mutual excitement at the understanding and growth we are creating together. Feeling that they are as excited about my ideas and experiences as they are their own. Feeling them be fully present with me, especially when it's because they are so engaged with my presence that other things fade out (not including chronic pain/depression/etc).  Feeling a strong desire coming from them to know me balanced by a strong desire from them to be known coupled with a strong self-awareness; especially when they take opportunities to self-examine in front of me, without forgetting me. Feeling a vibrant connate resonance about them enacting/embodying one or especially more of my core values: justice, respect, compassion/connection, wonder/reverence, curiosity, transparency/openness, honesty, thoroughness, creativity, imperfect action, growth/change.  This can happen in so many ways. Examples: they describe how they engage in justice work, they show respect to someone who usually doesn't get it (like a child), they describe a connection they have, they respond to an expression of wonder with an equal level of enthusiasm, they ask prying questions or wonder aloud about something your average person takes  for granted, they share something vulnerable and self-aware, they tell the truth when it makes them uncomfortable, they make sure to be complete when doing a task, they customize items they use daily, they take action when it is needed even though they are clumsy at it, they describe things they've learned and how they've applied them to their life... Many many possibilities here. 

Feeling in love can also be squelched by violating one of my core values. If you are unwilling to devote spare resources to creating justice, show lack of consideration for how you affect others, show apathy to suffering, react to wonder with dismissiveness or indifference, don't question yourself, respond to questions without thought or depth, lie, are sloppy in tasks done for others, act like skilled technique is the key to art, refuse to take a helpful action because it's not the perfect solution, or think that staying the same is good, any feelings of in-love I have for you will be diminished.  That also has many possibilities. Often I will feel a swell of in-love for someone and then five minutes later that will be burst; for instance I'll notice their carefully and meaningfully decorated music case and feel very in-love, and then they'll talk about all these 'poser' musicians who don't do [some specific technique] and that feeling will be completely dissolved.

I also can feel in love without it being a constant state: I have felt in love with people for a moment or a day, or constantly over a period of years.  I often feel in-love with people, but I don't describe it as 'being' in love unless it is mutual and consistent, something that I see continuing indefinitely.  Usually it goes from a feeling of in-love-ness to actually being in love when we deliberately create the space for that, or when the space is accidentally created through just spending a lot of time together, or when they express the same feeling and a desire to explore/deepen that feeling.

When I am in love with someone as a state of being, I feel a continuous strong desire to be close to them. I feel like I want to know every meaningful thing that goes on in their lives, I want bring them joy, I want to help them grow, and I get easily overwhelmed with how wonderful they are and want to talk about it all the time. I want to kiss them, hug them, and touch them in ways that feel good to them. I think about them often and miss them when we have not connected in an unusually long time (for us: this can be a few hours or a few weeks). I want to give them presents if I find things they would like. I want to help them with tasks that they find difficult or stressful. I want to share meaningful places, art, and media.


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belenen: (healing)
cuddle communion #1! so nourishing! / consent agreements / cuddle list / leading to fill a need
icon: "healing (a photo of me and Hannah curled up together, naked, with Hannah's head resting on my legs and my arms around/over them. it's colored in violet with a fractal overlay of purple, blue, and green.)"


I had a really lovely nourishing evening last Sunday. I hosted a gather I called "Cuddle Communion" which was based loosely on cuddle parties I'd been to in the past. I went over a short list of consent agreements to begin with, and then we did structured cuddles, had a break for snacks and coffee, and then had unstructured cuddles and played truth-or-truth. I felt really connected with almost everyone there, and I definitely want to do it again. Next time I'm going to set the structured part into a flow from least to most intense, because I just did them randomly this time and that was okay, but could have been way better. Also, I want to finish the structured cuddles before the break, because after it is too hard to get back into that. And I looooove that truth-or-truth was the mental focus of the unstructured part this time, but others might want something less intense, so I want to try to set up something to listen to or watch, at least as an option.

consent agreements )

structured cuddle list )

After most people left, I was hanging out and talking with Serah and Alison about social change and leading things. Serah used to lead a spiritual gather but got burnt out, and I understand that feeling so well. I mentioned that that is why my ideal leadership is at least three volunteers who take turns and step down when they get tired. Usually what I see happen is one person leads and no one helps, and the leader gets so burnt out that they quit forever and the group disintegrates. I really think that any good leader doesn't lead because they want to lead, they lead because they see a need that no one else is filling.

Speaking of which, I felt so supported a few weeks ago when I was too exhausted to participate in intimacy practice, and the others took leadership and made it happen without me. I don't want to feel like it's mine, I want to feel shared ownership and care of IP, and that definitely made me feel that way.

I was talking with Saleena a few days ago about the same thing (good leaders just filling a need). Saleena and I are going to run a local community discussion/connection group together. The original idea was that it would be for trans people, but we want to expand it to all othered people and make it a safe space to talk or listen. I'm worried about creating a safe space where strangers can attend, because if an unsafe person attends that can be horrible, but there is no perfect solution. I think as long as Saleena and I are willing to call people on being problematic, we can make something good and safer than life in general while being imperfect.


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belenen: (overwhelmed)
where has all my energy gone? / focus time / Kylei's wonderful conversations / stresses stressesssss
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

I've had a strange few weeks as I've been working at my new job and finding that I don't have the energy to do much besides work and maybe one outing a week. I got out and about more often than this when I was working at the awful job where I was harassed by my boss and that really perplexes me. Talking about it in Intimacy Practice last Sunday made me realize that even though I don't have a lot of actively or significantly negative things in my life, most of the things in my life are equaling out to neutral or slightly negative. Like hanging out with friends - if I go see someone, that takes effort and money stress, and then the interaction starts out already at a deficit. So I need the interaction to actively nourish me or else I spent too much energy. I talked with Topaz and realized it would be helpful if I figured out what would make me feel back in balance, energy-wise, and asked ahead of time if people would be willing to give that to me. I think eye contact and foot rubs (not at the same time) would do a lot. My friends are already good about trading off who drives to who, but that doesn't help in the moment. And probably I need to only meet halfway if we're not having focus time.

It was weird realizing that I needed to spend more time with Kylei that was in a house, because when we are in nature or in public there are so many distractions. We definitely can have focus time in those places but it is very difficult. And with Topaz it is the opposite -- we have gotten in a habit of watching netflix all the time and so being at home usually means we don't get focus time. We need to remember to set that time aside in the middle of the day, instead of waiting until we are exhausted and finally going to bed and then talking for an hour because we have hardly had a conversation all day. I don't think I have ever had deliberate focus time with any of my other local close friends. I want to change that.

Spending time with Kylei this week was so, so, so wonderful and nourishing. I went to their house, which was a VERY long drive, and I arrived frazzled and overheated. They gave me some orange juice and bread and sat with me while I took it in and settled, and then we went to their room and we had a short nap and then we hung out, just cuddling and talking and making lots of eye contact. Oh Godde, that was a relief. Lengthy eye contact that felt balanced in its flow, not interrupted or pushed or pulled. And talking with them I realized something I love so so so much about them -- that they reflect on things I say and take them further, and then share that with me. I can't think of an actual example, but what I mean is I'll say something like "I think you are happier now that XYZ is true" and they'll either ponder on that out loud with why they agree or disagree, or they'll reflect silently and then when I ask what they are thinking they'll tell me. I'd say most people are not responsive in that way. Most people will take in what I say, but not turn it over and play with it to see what new thing they could realize from it like Kylei does. It feels so good, it feels like a kind of affirmation that they value my thoughts and my sharing. And I love it the more because it's not for my sake, it's just how Kylei works.

I can't remember what it was I used to get out of going and spending time with people -- am I getting less or is there something wrong with me now? I feel like it's both. Like, I used to get more out of going to spend time with people because they gave more focused time because usually I was dating them. I hate that people just don't have a habit of doing that with those they aren't dating. Or really, with anyone. I mean, I don't even think of it myself except with people I already have that habit with.

Why on earth don't I have more energy?? I don't think I'm depressed. I worry that I'm developing or starting to exhibit some kind of anxiety issue because I never used to be so weighed down with the billion tiny stresses. I don't feel like I'm dealing with more than average, I'm just dealing badly with the average amount of stress. There are so many tiny stresses that are just bothering me SO MUCH. It my reaction is out of proportion, it's ridiculous. The refrigerator isn't working properly and is leaking and is making my food go bad quicker than it should (this just started and has ruined my smoothie streak) which makes me not want to buy anything that will go bad which means I eat stuff that isn't as healthy which means I feel worse. My upstairs bathroom is all wrecked and two of my indoor plants are dying despite my best efforts. My cat is being picky and I'm worried they're going to not eat the rest of the great big multi-pack of wet food I just got to help them not end up with bladder infections. So I'm worried I'll have to get more and then if they don't eat that then they might get seriously ill. The living room is covered in my last half-finished crafting project. I really want to finish that project but I really don't want to finish it and have it go nowhere just like all my other art. I have two giant piles of laundry in the hallway because I am putting off doing laundry because the dryer is not working properly and everything has to go through twice to get dry. There's a bunch of recycling I need to take out. I'm not finished setting up the cuddle room and I want to have it ready by this weekend because I'm having a gather in it. Also Topaz is dealing with a ton of actually bad shit and I can't do a damn thing about it and it makes me feel helpless and full of dread. Also my car needs to go to the shop but I don't have the money to take it. And I need to go to the dentist (I haven't been in 15 years) but I don't have the money. And I need to go to the dermatologist about what might be skin cancer but I don't have the money. And I need new bras (some are too small and some are too worn out) but I don't have the money. And I need new shoes (I only have one pair and they're over a year old now) but I don't have the money. And I realized that my camera takes blurry photos most of the time and I want to replace it with an older model that actually allows me to set things but that feels like a huge risk (I think I could trade it in for an older one for no extra cost but it would need to be old and unused as the inside parts die over even the most gentle use). Also my shoulder/neck has been hurting for like five days now, slowly getting a little better but ugh, it's awful. Also I'm planning to go on vacation in late August with my biofamily and just found out my grandmother is going -- I find it very hard to be relaxed around them because I feel so much judgement and just massive lack of understanding. I was looking forward to it before I found that out. Also I'm past due for an eye exam but have to put it off because I know I won't be able to pay a random hundred before my second job starts in September. I have several things I have promised to ship but I haven't had money and memory and time all at the same time and that makes me feel like the WORST PERSON. So fucking many of these stresses could be fixed with money. It makes me want to scream and cry.
sounds: Halou - Things Stay The Same | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , ,


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing
icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"

The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it for me are...

1) energy play that is easier and more intense because my body is revved up (exercise or roughhousing play works for this too, or some drugs I'm sure).
2) the intimacy of having someone watch my body and listen to my sounds when I am totally uninhibited. (being very drunk and dancing would provide this too, but is more work and expense).
3) the emotional high that my allosexual partners get from sex which makes them more relaxed and affectionate, sometimes for days after.
4) learning about someone in a wordless way through their reactions and desires.
5) in-depth discussions of feelings. I don't get much out of sex despite the above unless we talk out the experience afterward. This has been a difficulty for me because frankly most people are really bad at talking about sex and not great at talking about their feelings either, but I've had the occasional lover who was naturally good at it and others deliberately built their skills.

I don't experience any particular touch as always sexual, not giving or receiving. Nor do I experience any touch as inherently non-sexual. For me, sex is about intention more than anything else. I can't stand for my non-sexually-meant touch to be taken as sexual by someone else. Even if I am in a sexual relationship with them and often enjoy sex with them, if I am not wanting and intending sex, I don't want my touch to be taken that way. Along the same lines, I can often miss "I wanna have sex" signals because I don't apply sexual thought to touch unless that is invited. Someone once literally put their face in between my breasts and I did not interpret this as an expression of sexual interest (later they told me that it was and I realized that most people would probably have taken it that way).

I sometimes enjoy giving/receiving touch that would usually be sexual as purely sensual instead. Touch with that level of intimacy minus the urgency of sex makes for the most tender touch I can imagine. But then, I am not sure this translates for other people because my body still responds in a sexual way eventually. It just feels completely different and makes me almost want to cry (not in a sad way, but like I'd cry at a particularly beautiful piece of music). I've experienced this with Topaz, Kylei, and (to a much lesser extent) my ex-spouse.

I do like the physical sensation of touching other people's genitals. If not for all the mental associations, I would probably like to touch them often in non-sexual ways. That is, not for sexual pleasure but because they feel nice, warm and soft and close. I could cup my hand around them and have it held in place by their thighs which would feel very intimate (whether they were clothed or not). If not for people being ticklish or otherwise uncomfortable with the idea, I'd probably enjoy putting my hands in people's armpits for the same reason.

kissing )


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belenen: (Ma'at)
why "can't we all just be PEOPLE" is not a valid critique of labels
icon: "ma'at (photo of a scale with a feather on it, and underneath it the word "Ma'at")"

Labels are important because people can find community using them (which is necessary for survival), and they give others a starting place to understand or learn instead of making assumptions in favor of default identity. There isn't this kind of "why can't we all just be people, I hate labels" backlash against political party labels or familial role labels or religious labels, because people don't feel like acknowledging variety in that way makes them take a new look at themselves. The reason privileged people push back against gender, sexuality, ability, and racial labels (and others related to oppression) is because those labels make one have to acknowledge privilege, which is quite uncomfortable.

If you have to label yourself as straight/cis/non-disabled/white, that is an acknowledgement that you do not suffer the oppression that queer/trans/disabled/people of color do. It recognizes that you have a different experience, and if you are at all aware, that experience is clearly privileged.


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belenen: (woven souls)
Very productive day: school stuff, oneness blessing, connection ritual
icon: "woven souls (me and Hannah lying naked on black cloth, with legs entwined, laying on our sides facing each other with one set of hands entwined with each other's, and the top shoulder leaning back, relaxed. there is a red and violet overlay with the violet coloring me and the red coloring Hannah)"

This Thursday was a very eventful and nourishing day. school stuff in the morning )

I spent the rest of the day with LilyWolf: we talked for a while and then had prolonged eye contact (like, 20-30 minutes, way more than others can usually do). At that point I realized how tired I was and asked them to drive us to the oneness blessing, which they cheerfully did. The blessing circle was at someone's house instead of a church, and it felt much better. We used to meet in the rooms where the age 10-18 kids spend time, which feels rather chaotic and exposed: the room we meet in now is set up as a sanctuary and you can feel the calm infused throughout.

During the blessing, I first felt energy go into me in a kind of shower, flowing through me from the person's hands into the earth and then it sort of bounced back, so it was this ellipse flowing through me. That was true for the first few times, and then I started to feel a sort of pressure/fullness in the center of my forehead each time. As usual my thoughts got more clarified and creative as the hour moved forward, and I felt a sense of relief in my brain. I was really glad to have gone, just for that, and reminded of how good it is for me to go regularly because it has a cumulative effect and one of the things it seems to do is heal my mind a little from the ways that ADD stresses it.

Giving the blessing felt a little awkward and barely-trickling at first, because it had been so long since I did it last, but it opened up with each instance. With one person, I felt they had a sort of stern maternal deity, and when I let it flow from them through me to the person, I started to feel like I was floating up from my feet! I've never felt anything like that before and it was really unexpected from such a deity. The next person in the circle, I felt a sense of white flowy sweet gentleness that reminded me of Isis or Quan Yin but I don't think it was either of those, perhaps a saint. Then there was the one who always feels so open that it is super easy to flow with them: every time I give them the blessing I see a moonlit waterfall in a dense forest, and I feel that space giving to them (I think they worship a deity but it is always only nature I feel giving to them). Then I gave to LilyWolf and felt/saw a greenish face surrounded by leaves, felt a sense of Celtic isles, and heard the name Caerdwynn (later I looked this up and found Ceridwen). It was shorter than the ones I'm used to but it was every bit as powerful if not more so. I feel very inclined to go every week, and hope that I motivate to do so. It'll be difficult for the next few months because going out in the dark cold is so repulsive to me.

As we headed home we realized we were both very hungry and stopped at one of my favorite Mexican food places (the one with the best salsa) and I impulsively invited Topaz, forgetting how stressful last minute plans are for them. They'd already had a long and shitty day, and it was the last straw. I asked LilyWolf if they minded driving me to Topaz' to give them some delicious food, and they were happy to help, so we went and dropped that off. It helped Topaz feel better, thankfully.

When we got back to the house we had tea and coffee and I asked if they'd like to participate in a ritual for drawing connections in (both general and heart-kin) and they were quite enthused about the idea. So I let them copy my spells down, and gathered the necessary items.

I lit a yellow candle for joy, and then turned on some music so that we could raise energy through dance; that was really powerful. At first I was self-conscious but then I just poured myself into the music and gathered emotion from it. I haven't used dance in ritual deliberately before, but I realized that when I danced in church, it was like this. With singular focus, pulling up emotion deliberately, reaching to connect, to open myself for messages. (with this realization I am astounded at how terrible a structure the church service is, building energy that then doesn't get used at all because they go from that to a break where everyone just mills around! At the very least people should be encouraged to end with a prayer that focuses all that energy) As I danced, I felt it shift from just being my body interacting with the sound, to being my emotions interacting with the words, until it became movement that expressed the song as purely as if I was singing it straight out of the initial inspiration. Like a rebirth of the song, through motion.

Next I lit a rainbow candle and LilyWolf and I chanted my spell for drawing in positive connections, and then lit a green candle and together we chanted the spell for drawing heart connections, three times. At some point I lit vetivert incense, and after chanting the spells we just sat and silently meditated until the incense burned out, repeating the spells once more before the end. We took the candles upstairs and let them burn for a while longer until we went to bed. I re-lit them the next day and plan to light them whenever I am at home for a stretch of time. We infused them with the spell so that every flicker of those candles sends out the same intentions.

So far (within 48 hours), there have been five new sprouts of connection. I'm feeling very positive about the effectiveness of this!


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belenen: (magical)
random: how I shield from negative energy / processing vs support / finding people who click w you
on shielding:
I don't really shield much because I like to feel intensely. Instead if I am feeling bad I check to see if there is a cause in my life, and if there isn't, I assume I picked up someone else's feelings. I'll clear them out by taking deep breaths and envisioning breathing out the negative feeling and bringing in positive, or by burning incense, or by shaking bells. Sometimes I envision sending down roots to the center of the earth, burying them in plasma, and having bolts of bright energy come up the roots and burn out anything that isn't good for me.

When I know I am going to be in a place where I will need to shield, I tell myself affirmations. I repeat several times "I am calm and nothing can harm me" or "I am safe and whole" or something similar while envisioning a protective bubble forming around me and then thickening to only let good in.

When I am in the moment and feel waves of someone else's feelings coming at me, I envision myself pushing it away, and will often do a small gesture to make this more real to myself (like, just holding my palm vertical to the floor and flicking my fingers from touching my palm to straight up). Then I do the bubble thing, with eyes closed, just visualizing it.

----

on processing being interrupted by support )

---

on finding people who will click with you in a meaningful way )


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belenen: (woven souls)
I no longer believe in an afterlife / beings are composed of memory, we are one consciousness
I used to believe in a self that existed as a whole after death, that moved to another kind of existence in an afterlife. As a tiny child I believed in heaven as envisioned by me -- a huge flat place, mixtures of gardens and clouds, with the occasional gem-encrusted castle and the most bright yet soft light. Later I believed in a more amorphous afterlife where I didn't care about most of it but part of it was a world which I had visited in dreams, a world where people could only come in if I choose to invite them, a world of flatness interrupted by cliffs covered by trees and channeled with rivers and streams, quiet and intensely, vibrantly expectant. I still believe that world exists because when I visited there in dreams it was more real than anything I have experienced in waking life, except for occasional moments with lovers or deep friends. But I no longer believe that it was part of an afterlife. I don't think I will go there when I die, though I hope to go there again in some way or another.

I was talking with Topaz about zir beliefs in what happens when you die and ze described going to be part of the world again in a new way, not as a whole (reincarnation) but split into basic elements and becoming part of many new lives. I suddenly realized that I didn't have an independent support for my belief in an afterlife. I have read a lot of books of people who died and came back, and they have remarkably similar experiences, but I don't want to base my belief on something someone else says, so for me to believe that I need to be able to find roots for it.

Does an afterlife make sense, given my sense of the universe as a sentient whole, and my understanding of living beings as being composed of memory? The being-composed-of-memory is a fairly new (to me) understanding of consciousness. I believe in a universal sentience and a shared universal memory, because this explains so many otherwise-unexplained things. I think it is possible to communicate with beings who lived in the past not because they still exist as a singular whole, but because their consciousness has been 'uploaded.' I don't know if that happens during life or after death, but considering that many people see a life review soon after they are technically dead, perhaps that is when the upload happens. Perhaps we have some control over it and can upload bits and pieces as we go? I think maybe the reason that people who die and come back become more compassionate is that they have a memory of all memories. If you were to take in another human's entire memory set, you could not help but feel utter compassion for them, I am convinced. This on a broader scale? obviously wouldn't fit into a single brain BUT the emotional memory of that overwhelming compassion WOULD remain. And would make you a better person. Perhaps this emotional memory is present in us when we have a new physical consciousness but it gets washed out as we age. Perhaps animals exhibit compassion (often better than humans) because they still have this emotional memory, even though some of them may not have the reasoning capabilities of humans. Maybe as very young kids we know how to connect to the universal memory? That would explain the often uncanny knowledge of children, and how they speak of life before their birth.

I'm not sure what will happen when I die; perhaps enough of my energy signature will remain together that I could feel myself as an individual, and communicate. I would love to do that, and it is my intention that if I can, I will communicate with people who are still in these forms before the next step. I know that I am not currently a singular whole, that this is an illusion and I contain multitudes of living beings. I am a planet for microbes, who have significant impact on my thinking and desires. What happens when we are separated in the death of my body? what parts of me are microbe and what parts are human? I am unsure of the in-between part but I feel that eventually, my physical and non-physical parts will be reabsorbed and scattered and I will become new things. I feel this has happened over and over and perhaps the reason I feel such a bond with some people is that parts of us were the same tree, or cat, or dolphin, or moss, a few cycles ago. Maybe the people I feel lesser connections with are people I haven't shared a body with in a very long time, and I have less access to memory of them.


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belenen: (veneration)
tons of time w Topaz / handling conflict / how ze grows / empathetic oneness / alchemical shifting
Other than homework my life has been filled to the brim with Topaz. I just came home tonight after spending probably two weeks or more at zir place (stopping by home occasionally to get things). I think we have spent one or MAYBE two nights apart since I got back from TBC, either at my place or at zirs, and this doesn't feel like too much. Partly we can spend time together while doing other things, partly we just miss each other when we're apart. The other people I have been comfortable spending this much time with from the beginning are Hannah and Kylei, but even with them I needed more breaks because we would have painful conflict more often. Topaz and I have had some painful conflicts but it's rarer and healing them is less draining. I don't know how to explain, exactly... We had this one conflict where I was being careless with my response to something that was very important to Topaz, and it hurt zir, and we thought we had this fundamental philosophical difference, which we didn't (we use opposite words to mean the same things in some ways), and the logical part was pretty quickly mended but then the feelings had to catch up, and afterward I felt tired but I didn't feel drained. That was our first real conflict and we have gotten better at it since, I feel. And starting out from "pretty good" conflict and rapidly improving is amazing.

also amazing to me is the way Topaz grows. Ze is very open but also new to sharing on the level that I practice, so it can be difficult for zir to answer when I ask what ze is thinking or feeling. But ze tries very hard (to the point of sometimes getting upset with zirself over lack of perfection) and it's amazing how quickly ze's growing in this area. I've been close with many people who had difficulty with this and usually the progress is very slow, so that contributes to my amazement. I don't remember the timeline of my own growth but I don't imagine that it was so fast, either.

There's also supremely amazing sex; I want to write about that but it will need to be locked. I'll just say that I am trying all kinds of delightful new things and that my flexibility and strength is improving markedly ;-)

We speak the same language and it is incredibly easy to feel our agreement or lack thereof... usually if I say some complex feeling or belief and someone else says "me too" I feel compelled to ask, "how so?" partly to clarify and partly to see if it is truly 90-100% shared or if it is just 51%(+) shared. With Topaz I can just tell, and it is often 90-100% shared and when it is not I ask for elaboration.

We are emotively sensitive to each other -- there was a time this past week where I went into distraction-mode and was more distant from Topaz and it was mild yet ze noticed and cared enough to ask me about it. I have NEVER had that happen before; I almost always notice before the other person, and the few times that hasn't been true it has been a pretty intense distance. Also there are occasional freaky moments where I wonder if I have said something I was thinking out loud because Topaz heard it and responded -- but I did not say anything. And we feel each other's emotions and influences.

The strange thing is that being with Topaz feels like it has changed the current of my life in an alchemical way; I feel constantly as though I might be dreaming. I have pinched myself every day, it seems. I don't know what this means, and it's not really that physically evident but it is intensely mentally different. I am adjusting, slowly, and I hope to be finding some sort of comfort with the shift soon; it feels amazing, but also like I am out of my depth. I am so used to being able to touch bottom and even though I am enjoying the freedom to dive and spin, it's also disorienting. I look back at my life and I just don't feel like the same person. I want to get to an equilibrium of change so that I can say "okay, I am this person now" because right now I change so intensely in such an unconscious way, every day, that I cannot say who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. I know that I will be in school for the next year at least, and that I will be working with N/A*, but everything else is not just unpredictable but unfathomable in a whole new way.


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belenen: (osculant)
intensely deep connection and love with Topaz
I have no idea how to sum up everything that has developed in my connection with Topaz in these last 10 days (ten days what the fuck!) but I'm gonna give it a shot. We first cuddled last Wednesday and it was AMAZING, so incredibly focused and present and intense and perfect, and I learned that ze was not monogamous (:D). Thursday morning I crashed HARD and realized that I hadn't felt more nourished than spent in at least five months, which made me realize I needed to restructure my relationships. Then I wrote a poem about zir and shared it with zir and we talked lots of wordmeaningmagic and then ze asked me how I understand the word love and we meta'd our way into love confessions <3 and then Friday and Saturday nights we had long phone conversations about the shifts in my other relationships and about life, the universe, and everything. Then Monday I reached out to zir when I was feeling shitty and ze was there for me. Then Tuesday!!! Ze came over! and we beamed at each other a lot and had amazing cuddles and I told zir that I wanted to kiss zir and ze said ze wanted to kiss me too but was nervous about it because it would mean intensification of already strong feelings. I told zir that I was totally sure I wanted to kiss zir so whenever ze was ready, to just go for it. Then there were AGES while ze worked up the courage, kissing my cheeks and touching my face and lips (fucking delicious torture), and finally ze kissed me and that turned into fucking mindblowing sex. I think what made it so intense was that it was the first time but it flowed so easily and sincerely without me feeling any insecurity or needing to guard my boundaries; I felt safe that ze would be present and deliberate with me, and I also felt zir wanting me and felt confident that my touch was being noticed and appreciated, and ze didn't get bothered by my billionty consent questions. Ze spent the night and we cuddle-slept and it was comfortable and cozy and so connected. Then Wednesday ze went to the Halloween ritual that N/A* hosted and we intended to part ways after but ze decided to come home with me <3 and we had more cuddles and talking and things started getting sexual and I interrupted to have the STI conversation (our previous sex was physically indirect), fretting that it would break the mood but it didn't (though it was zir first time having that conversation, which made it new and awkwarder than usual), and afterward we had intense sex and ze slept over and took me to school the next day (because my car stopped working on Wed) and we met up afterward and came back to my place and we drank rum together and played drums together (!!!!!!!!), and talked lots and lots and then eventually we went to bed and had an intense breaking-bonding experience )


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belenen: (gender abolitionist)
brainstorming house agreements
We're moving into a new place in about a week and I'm brainstorming on house agreements (which will then be discussed with others to modify/add/subtract).  Here's what I have so far:

House Agreements )
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (progressing)
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

important events in 2011 )


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belenen: (tenebrous)
love and pain, blocked connections
ohgodlonely )
sounds: Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (tenebrous)
love and pain, blocked connections
ohgodlonely )
sounds: Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (tree elder)
Charleston with Kyle: Treespirit shoot, amazing people, miracles and disasters, animal communion







130 photos )


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belenen: (tree elder)
Charleston with Kyle: Treespirit shoot, amazing people, miracles and disasters, animal communion







130 photos )


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belenen: (tree goddess)
recent foci: sex, oppression, community, spirituality
So my life has been so fucking crazy since I broke up with the ex-partner. Was that really only 17 months ago? Wow. Anyway, it's just been speeding up and up and up. Last year I tried a lot of things that were new to me, just sort of stretching and exploring, and I'm definitely still in that process, but I'm starting to get to the point where I can organize all the things I've learned and start integrating them and re-focusing my life. The things that have been most on my mind are sex, oppression, and community (not necessarily in that order) -- and within the past three weeks I've been experiencing a sort of spiritual awakening as well.

Sex has been on my mind because, well, my sex with Kyle is mind-blowing and life-altering (and I'm not exaggerating). If I include details this entry will be twice as long, so I shan't, but I will talk about the effect of it. I've realized that sex is quite important to me, I'm just really picky, and I get bored if the other person is not emotionally naked. I don't have sex to feel the physical sensation -- I have it to feel aetheric selves pressed against each other. Openness in the moment is enough for one-time sex, but I think that tends to fade with familiarity unless it comes from the sort of vulnerability that infuses the person's life. Maybe it's a self-awareness thing too. All of that is what seems to be a coalescing image of what I want in sex. I don't want to draw people out, either. That's something I spent so many years doing and while I might do it again in the future, I'm taking a break. For right now, for me to emotionally invest in someone, ze has to be actively opening zir own self. I'm willing to share connection with people who are not open, but I am not going to invest in them right now.

systemic oppression )

Which moves me into community! I've been exploring several different local circles of people -- the burners, the queer activists, the poly community, the artists, and the dunno-what-to-call-ems-who-have-been-in-Kyle's-life-a-long-time. And then meeting outliers and trying to loop them in to one or the other. What I would really like is to eventually function as a bridge between these groups. I feel like each of them could really learn from each other, and there's already so much overlap yet not a lot of blending. And I want to delve into each and and wrap vines into their branches. This means I've been spending a LOT of time socializing (at least 2-3 times a week, plus school and lots of time with Kyle), which is new and definitely an adjustment, but one I like.

spiritual shifts )

Annnnd with the being really busy, I've realized that if I want anything to happen, I have to schedule it (seriously, including phone conversations). So I'm thinking of setting a weekly time for LJing and at least summarizing the week, because I miss having a record of my life. I don't like that my most productive and growthful periods usually result in a dearth of LJing. I process things with Kyle constantly so I don't feel as much of an urge to write, but I want to be able to remember, so I'm going to use that as my writing-catalyst.
sounds: The xx - Basic Space | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


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belenen: (concupiscent)
sex without receiving physical stimulation: reflection and consonance ♥
Sometimes when I'm feeling very deeply connected with a person and I'm stroking, kissing, pleasuring zir but not being physically stimulated myself, I feel the reflections of zir sensations through my whole being. It starts as reflections; I touch zir, ze reacts, I feel mirrored sensations in my body and I react -- and that feels so beautiful and connected and intensely erotic. Sometimes it feels so intense that I can't actually handle being physically stimulated because I'm feeling so much already. And sometimes I just want to feel what ze's feeling without being distracted by direct physical sensations.

..and then sometimes it syncs up and I fall into perfect consonance )
sounds: PJ Harvey - Oh My Lover | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (concupiscent)
sex without receiving physical stimulation: reflection and consonance ♥
Sometimes when I'm feeling very deeply connected with a person and I'm stroking, kissing, pleasuring zir but not being physically stimulated myself, I feel the reflections of zir sensations through my whole being. It starts as reflections; I touch zir, ze reacts, I feel mirrored sensations in my body and I react -- and that feels so beautiful and connected and intensely erotic. Sometimes it feels so intense that I can't actually handle being physically stimulated because I'm feeling so much already. And sometimes I just want to feel what ze's feeling without being distracted by direct physical sensations.

..and then sometimes it syncs up and I fall into perfect consonance )
sounds: PJ Harvey - Oh My Lover | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (rainbowarrior)
my first (mini-)burn! SoutheastDecompression: drumming / learning / drinking / dancing
This weekend I went to Southeast Decompression, a mini-burn being held at The Colaboratory. It was my first burn-type experience and wow... I had such a wild time. I went with Kyle (but ze's a wanderer and so am I so we didn't spend all that much time together) and after a short wander we took our drums from the car and started drumming...

I HAVE drummed in public before but only when there were enough other people around to drown me out -- but this time I just fucking threw myself into it, didn't care at all who heard my mistakes (and there was only one other drum, so people could hear them! and people were right there! and some people were dancing to the beat I was making!) and oh GOD what a feeling. Drumming is in my BLOOD, it's me, and while I wish I was more skilled, I need to just do it anyway (and learn properly later maybe). I got so deeply into it I didn't realize how hard I was hitting or how long it went and I ended up with massive bruises on my hands (which are still hurting a lot two days later). but it was SO worth it.

learning, drinking! )

and OH! the DANCING! the DJs were amazing and the music just kept calling to me. I love that I've gotten more fit over the summer because I was able to dance and dance until my soul was ready to stop instead of when my body demanded it!!!!!!!! THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY!!! And I danced more freely than ever before and I felt so amazingly present and full of music and the people around me danced just as unselfconsciously. And two days later I still hurt all over my outside upper legs (I suppose my inner thighs get a workout more often, heh) and that just makes me happy.

I'm not sure how much anonymity to give people so I'm going to put all the interactions with people in a separate f-locked post :D If you wanna see it and you're not on my flist, email me (belenen at gmail) and I might send it to you (if I don't know you at all and you've never commented it's unlikely, but if we've interacted somehow I probably will).
sounds: Florence + the Machine - Drumming Song | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (woven souls)
starting school again / passionate discussions w Kyle / living with Serendipity / meeting Kay!
I'm sorry I've been so absent from LJ lately -- my life's just so crazy busy! I've started school (this is my third week) which has been one problem after another with financial aid and scheduling and transcript fixing, but seems to almost be settled now. I really love the intro-to-sociology professor and science 1102 professors I got, as they both passionately care about their subjects and teach creatively. I'm terrified of my developmental psychology professor because ze has created a billion hoops to jump through just to pass, and seems more invested in molding professionals than in imparting knowledge. I like my philosophy professor but I find it hard to learn from zir teaching style -- ze's not very organized in the way ze lectures. It's interesting to be getting back into school, this time with actual studying skills and motivation to learn for itself and not for grades.

I've also been very caught up in my relationship with Kyle. It's really complex... )

And then there's Serendipity! I'm living with (and working for) Anita & Chip & Christa & Kim & their kids now, and that's been an adventure too. I moved in six weeks ago, I think? and I just unpacked "for real" this week. I'm not quite finished (the walls are naked and there are no fairy lights up) but my room looks mine now and I feel home. (I still feel the need to live with my little sister at some point but this feels like exactly the right place for me right now) Kanika seemed instantly comfortable with it (it has such a lovely energy) though ze has yet to get along with any of the other creatures. I've been going 3-4 times a week with Anita and Christa (and occasionally Kyle) to work on painting and fixing up their old house so they can rent it out, and I love that too. I enjoy projects that feel like genuine collective effort, and being able to contribute to the household is really important to me.

So much has been happening I don't really know how to even sketch it. [livejournal.com profile] frecklestars came to town for a conference and I got to spend a day with zir, which was really beautiful and amazing. We'd been friends for like three years online and I was sooo nervous about meeting zir but it was just easy and sweet and I adore zir so much! I feel sure that if Kay lived close ze'd become one of my lifesharers (need to write about that term and what it means to me). We're both very busy though, so I don't think it'd work very well to interweave our lives more right now, but after this visit I feel sure that we're going to become closer in the future. Ze also seemed to really enjoy everyone at Serendipity (and vice versa) and got along famously with Kyle (I see them as having a very strong soul connection) so I am hoping ze'll come visit again as soon as ze can ;-)

I wish I had more time to communicate online but I think my LJing is going to be sporadic for a while, dunno how long. If you need to pare down your list to people who communicate pretty regularly, I understand if you cut me and I won't be upset. I'll just unfriend back and then if/when I start posting more regularly I'll add you again and you can decide if you want to start up again at that point.
sounds: Au Revoir Simone - Where You Go | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (woven souls)
starting school again / passionate discussions w Kyle / living with Serendipity / meeting Kay!
I'm sorry I've been so absent from LJ lately -- my life's just so crazy busy! I've started school (this is my third week) which has been one problem after another with financial aid and scheduling and transcript fixing, but seems to almost be settled now. I really love the intro-to-sociology professor and science 1102 professors I got, as they both passionately care about their subjects and teach creatively. I'm terrified of my developmental psychology professor because ze has created a billion hoops to jump through just to pass, and seems more invested in molding professionals than in imparting knowledge. I like my philosophy professor but I find it hard to learn from zir teaching style -- ze's not very organized in the way ze lectures. It's interesting to be getting back into school, this time with actual studying skills and motivation to learn for itself and not for grades.

I've also been very caught up in my relationship with Kyle. It's really complex... )

And then there's Serendipity! I'm living with (and working for) Anita & Chip & Christa & Kim & their kids now, and that's been an adventure too. I moved in six weeks ago, I think? and I just unpacked "for real" this week. I'm not quite finished (the walls are naked and there are no fairy lights up) but my room looks mine now and I feel home. (I still feel the need to live with my little sister at some point but this feels like exactly the right place for me right now) Kanika seemed instantly comfortable with it (it has such a lovely energy) though ze has yet to get along with any of the other creatures. I've been going 3-4 times a week with Anita and Christa (and occasionally Kyle) to work on painting and fixing up their old house so they can rent it out, and I love that too. I enjoy projects that feel like genuine collective effort, and being able to contribute to the household is really important to me.

So much has been happening I don't really know how to even sketch it. [livejournal.com profile] frecklestars came to town for a conference and I got to spend a day with zir, which was really beautiful and amazing. We'd been friends for like three years online and I was sooo nervous about meeting zir but it was just easy and sweet and I adore zir so much! I feel sure that if Kay lived close ze'd become one of my lifesharers (need to write about that term and what it means to me). We're both very busy though, so I don't think it'd work very well to interweave our lives more right now, but after this visit I feel sure that we're going to become closer in the future. Ze also seemed to really enjoy everyone at Serendipity (and vice versa) and got along famously with Kyle (I see them as having a very strong soul connection) so I am hoping ze'll come visit again as soon as ze can ;-)

I wish I had more time to communicate online but I think my LJing is going to be sporadic for a while, dunno how long. If you need to pare down your list to people who communicate pretty regularly, I understand if you cut me and I won't be upset. I'll just unfriend back and then if/when I start posting more regularly I'll add you again and you can decide if you want to start up again at that point.
sounds: Au Revoir Simone - Where You Go | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (magical)
Serendipity family / Chip & tarot / talking with Christa / spirit connection with Anita! / chakras
Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥
sounds: Missy Higgins - Nightminds | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (magical)
Serendipity family / Chip & tarot / talking with Christa / spirit connection with Anita! / chakras
Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥
sounds: Missy Higgins - Nightminds | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (intrigued)
visiting Red Top with Wade, photos! / Wade's energy and our connection / touch and boundaries
Last Tuesday I went out with Wade -- we went walking at Red Top Mountain (and I got some photos which were SO amazing that I want prints!) and talked about everything and kissed a lot and I wish I'd written about that day right afterward because it has blurred since then :-/ But I remember that ze laughs when happy (not just with amusement) which I LOVE and which is pretty rare and which all of my current love-interests do :D (though it confuses me with new people because I'm so not used to it!) And ze laughs with wild abandon when amused (we watched a very silly but somehow awesome movie -- "Yes Man"). And when I reach for cuddles ze responds instantly and exactly the same amount -- to this perfect balance that is really fun to find. Usually people respond with just a little less and occasionally with more, and those two feel really different. I've never hit a perfect balance before. And it's not just the intensity, it's the tone. I wish I could explain it better.



photos from Red Top! )


Zir energy is really strange to me, impossible to put into words. I told zir that ze was mysterious to me, which is very unusual -- usually if someone mystifies me it's because they're guarding but Wade really isn't. Ze's open but... very twisty? I can't squint and see through the trees, I have to just follow the path to see what is next. I feel some kind of ethereal connection but I have no idea what it is. Yet. However, I did sense one of zir spirit shapes VERY strongly -- ze is such a tiger, ohmygod.

Touch-wise, Wade is initiatory while also being very respectful ... )


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belenen: (intrigued)
visiting Red Top with Wade, photos! / Wade's energy and our connection / touch and boundaries
Last Tuesday I went out with Wade -- we went walking at Red Top Mountain (and I got some photos which were SO amazing that I want prints!) and talked about everything and kissed a lot and I wish I'd written about that day right afterward because it has blurred since then :-/ But I remember that ze laughs when happy (not just with amusement) which I LOVE and which is pretty rare and which all of my current love-interests do :D (though it confuses me with new people because I'm so not used to it!) And ze laughs with wild abandon when amused (we watched a very silly but somehow awesome movie -- "Yes Man"). And when I reach for cuddles ze responds instantly and exactly the same amount -- to this perfect balance that is really fun to find. Usually people respond with just a little less and occasionally with more, and those two feel really different. I've never hit a perfect balance before. And it's not just the intensity, it's the tone. I wish I could explain it better.



photos from Red Top! )


Zir energy is really strange to me, impossible to put into words. I told zir that ze was mysterious to me, which is very unusual -- usually if someone mystifies me it's because they're guarding but Wade really isn't. Ze's open but... very twisty? I can't squint and see through the trees, I have to just follow the path to see what is next. I feel some kind of ethereal connection but I have no idea what it is. Yet. However, I did sense one of zir spirit shapes VERY strongly -- ze is such a tiger, ohmygod.

Touch-wise, Wade is initiatory while also being very respectful ... )


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belenen: (summer in Georgia)
sad over loss of barely-budded connections / time with justben is so healing and beautiful ♥
I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling very alone and sad )

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (summer in Georgia)
sad over loss of barely-budded connections / time with justben is so healing and beautiful ♥
I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling very alone and sad )

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
meeting up with [ex-husband] and finally spirit-realizing that there is nothing between us
Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with [livejournal.com profile] justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (ecstatic)
meeting up with [ex-husband] and finally spirit-realizing that there is nothing between us
Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with [livejournal.com profile] justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.
sounds: Radiohead - Optimistic | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (plant magic)
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

important events in 2009 )


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belenen: (impish)
Ash's and my flatwarming & collaborative painting
Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )
sounds: Silversun Pickups - Rusted Wheel | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (oneness)
I have local community for the first time in my life / speaking things into existence w affirmations
I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.
sounds: Brodka - Śpij | Powered by Last.fm
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