a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I've recently realized that the way I spend time and the way I think of home is different than most people I've lived with. Home, to me, is where I go to rest and feel secure -- and this usually involves being relaxed/passive/solitary. It's not where I want to spend most of my time -- it's where I want to go back to after adventures. If I'm happy and healthy I want to be OUT most of the time (at least 5 days out of 7), interacting with people and exploring. Being out satisfies my yearning to wander. The only times I spend vast lengths of time at home is when I'm feeling depressed or need to process/recover or feel like I have no one to explore with (I can explore on my own if it's warm, but if it's cold I need people with me to motivate me to brave the cold).

But for most people, "home is where the heart is" and home is where you are happiest spending your time. I remember this being a point of conflict when I lived with the Wynnes -- I loved that family more than anyone else I'd ever known, and I LOVED my room SO much (it was FULL of light and they let me paint it purple and green and it had a built-in-desk and its own full-of-light bathroom), 'yet' I was out all the time. I was working full time and going to school full time and dating and going to group therapy (which for me was a wonderful social activity), and I loved the whirl. I think Paula started to feel like I didn't care about them because I wasn't often home, and she started asking me to call when I was going to be out late (ostensibly so ze wouldn't worry but really I think because ze didn't want to feel forgotten) -- which I could never remember to do until it was already past the time ze'd be asleep. I didn't realize (until now) that it is possible they felt unloved or like I didn't want to live there -- yet it was probably my favorite place I've ever lived.

( it was also conflict with Ash and Ben and Arizona )

All this makes me worry that I'm not suited to live with people I'm close with because it seems really difficult to get around that expectation. My daydream looks like this: sharing living space (a house or multi-room flat) with people I love who are either wanderfooted or solitary or not emotionally invested in me; having my own, separate space; having communal space where everyone living there has equal freedom to invite people to (this is very important! I've NEVER had this and yearned for it all my life); having no one be sad if I'm gone for days at a stretch, and no one be upset if I'm home but don't want to interact. I dunno if that's possible. I hope so, and I want to try it with my lil sis and Kyle (who is probably more out-oriented than I am even) and maybe some others. Am I the only one who thinks of home like this?

Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is ( other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.

explanation of the previous posts: I fell in love with a couple, boom-boom. But now I feel pretty sure that it's not going to work (at least, not now) and I'm trying to process it :-[

(when a day full of cuddles and good conversation ends with me feeling shitty, that's a pretty bad sign)

still waiting for things to settle, which mayn't happen for another DAY.

Maybe I'll have words then? mmm.

oh my god
oh my god


OH MY GOD. ohmigod!!! OMFUCKINGG! whatishappen. um. what.

I think my brain fell out. AGH!!!


when I can think in words instead of stuttering exclamations I'll write what this is actually about. ohmygod, life, really? you love me after all? MAGIC HASN'T DESERTED ME? OH GOD!


(and in quite-a-lot-less-exciting news, I am OFFICIALLY LEGALLY DIVORCED, HELL THE FUCK YEAH!!!)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *claps hands to face in giggles*

All That Is Thirst -- Pati Yang
oooh, can't get enough of this
all that is thirst
all that is thirst
oooh, playing new hide and seek:
keep moving still
keep moving still

(myheartwon'tslowdown!)

I think Ash and I may develop a reputation (oops). It's hot now (HALLELUJAH!) and we keep our windows open and use fans instead of air conditioning (air-co, lol) and, well, Ash fell in love (and lust) last week and has had the new lover over almost every night since (and they've woken me up in the morning -- once with noises and twice with SHEER ENERGY). And I am pretty much incapable of being quiet when having sex with Ben (last night I think I was the loudest ever -- it's normal for me to scream occasionally but LAST night I screamed a LOT >:-]) so, if anyone's been on their balconies or had their windows open they've shared in our joy, haha.

I'm really, really happy for Ash -- this new relationship has created SUCH a shift for zir! And not just that, but the influx of creative energy (sex is a creative act for sure!) has completely changed the feel of the apartment. It almost seems like Ash's new relationship has finally cut zir ties with all the horribly shitty stuff that happened last year, and has started the healing process -- so now all that old stagnant stuff isn't in our space interfering with things. I think the overflow of their connection/creation is partly to credit for me finally having the courage and energy to look my ex in the eyes and see the truth (though I know spring had a lot to do with that too, and perhaps Geb did as well). And now it just feels good here -- I actually spend time in the living room sometimes (without the draw of a conversation, even).

See? this is why I love spring! it brings magic! also the green makes me happy every damn time I see it. LIFE!

FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

( have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

( Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

( I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

( feeling like a bore )

( specialness from my birthday )

( Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!

A long time ago I was mapping out connections with various friends, and Ash felt a bit hurt that I didn't see any connection at all between us. But like I said then, connections are about similarities, and Ash and I have NO SIMILARITIES. (ze used to think we did but now agrees that we don't!) It's odd because we live our lives in somewhat similar ways -- we're both queer and pagan and poly and open/honest -- but while what we DO might be similar on the surface, we're so different in our whys and hows. Pretty much opposite, most of the time. And considering that Ash and I have inverted signs (I'm sun-Aquarius moon-Sagittarius, and ze's sun-Sagittarius moon-Aquarius) and are such total opposites, I'm a BIT more inclined to consider the zodiac relevant!

It's been a WILD ride, being flatmates with Ash. For a while through January and February I feared that our friendship would not survive living together. ( we fought dreadfully )

Now that we've gotten past that string of miscommunications, the energy between us has sweetened again. We're really too different to be partners, but I think that if Ash had a primary other (and I had others) and we didn't live together, we could be lovers and it would be amazing. I kinda expect that to happen somewhere down the line and I'm looking forward to it. For now I feel like our friendship is really strengthening now that we have FINALLY learned not to assume we understand the other even if it seems PAINFULLY obvious. Ash is a really lovely person and I'm so happy to have zir in my life. ♥



( some portraits I took while ze painted zir self-portrait/spirituality wall & two from Elizebeth's henna photoshoot! )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.

And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). ( And it really hit me that we are actually over. )

Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me ( all kinds of negative, hurtful bullshit ) But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.

( I really wish I'd fucked up more or given less effort )

I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.

Photos from the week of AWESOMENESS that was time with my lil sis ;-) Ze's so amazing, seriously. I feel so inspired by zir boldness -- I feel like I learned a lot through spending time with zir this time. When I grow up I wanna be more like zir!





( a TON of photos! )

ohmigod, Life. I seem to be having quite a few of these "life is too beautiful for words" moments/days lately.

( beautiful people and glorious moments! ) And this will all make more sense with photos I'm sure because right now it just looks like a pile of names, but I haven't edited any yet so oh well.

I'm so un-fucking-believably in love, and life just keeps showering me with more and more joy. I'm overflowing with happiness, I feel like I've had enough joy to keep me glowing for a week -- and I'm spending tomorrow with justben! we're going to the Big Trees Forest Preserve! If I don't post again for a while, it's because I got overwhelmed with joy to the point where I lost the ability to form sentences (or perhaps words). ♥! Don't worry, I'm sure it will wear off if that happens ;-)

Ash and I had a little flatwarming party this weekend which was oh-so-much fun! We had the brilliant idea of designating a wall for collaborative painting and everyone was so creative! it turned out BEAUTIFULLY -- it's going to be in-progress indefinitely but it's already so lovely I could just sit and stare at it. I was sure it would be fascinating but I didn't realize that it would be so gorgeous! So colorful! I can't wait to have others over to add to it (especially Sara and Greta and Nicole!). Davey and S and Ash added more the day after, so it's even more colorful and amazing now. I'll take an overall photo soon -- for now you get bits n pieces ;-)




( photos! by me, Shel, and Sakka )

Starred people are ones I missed getting photos of or got too-dark or too-blurry photos. :-p



( monday night with kitty sunglasses, Ben, Ash, Viv, Anita, Brandon, Saleena, and Greta* )

( PAGE meeting & Applebees with Saleena, Brigit, Ben, Josh, Paul, Ash, & Davey* )

( Shel's pink party, Sara's solo show, Shel's birthday maize maze tromp, Chastain Arts Festival with Ash & Ben )

This week has been crazily eventful. Last Wednesday Ben came over and we shared music -- ze introduced me to some of zir favorite groups (complete with pauses for explanation, which I LOVED because for me it adds so much to hear in a person's own words what is important) and then we listened to three Massive Attack albums while kissing and cuddling ♥ Thursday I was emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been since the first time Aurilion came to visit, but fortunately I knew what was causing it so I felt oddly cheery about feeling crappy.

Friday I impulsively decided to go to a Hope Sandoval & The Warm Inventions concert with Ben, which was rather out of character for me because I prefer to get to know a band before seeing them live -- it really adds a lot for me to know the lyrics (and on first listen I can't 'hear' the lyrics because I'm too distracted by the overall sound). Ohhh, that was SO the right choice. I think I would have enjoyed it if I'd gone alone, but it wouldn't have been worth the cost and the drive. However, experiencing it with Ben was the most incredible musical experience I've ever had (except maybe for The Benjamin Gate's last concert) -- I cannot express the sense of living the music that we shared. I mean, I don't know how ze experienced it (except that afterward ze said ze felt drugged) but I felt like we merged with each other and the music and just breathed it, became extensions of it. I have stepped into music like that before, but doing it WITH someone is exponentially more intense, more beautiful. And if it was that incredible with music that didn't have great personal meaning to me, I can scarcely imagine how transcendent sharing a mutual favorite would be.

Saturday I went tromping through a corn maze for Shel's birthday, which was so fun (even though it was cold). I really love hanging out with Shel ♥ we so need to hang out more often! Later, Ash and I ( hung out with eviltwin )

Later (after we'd sobered up a bit), Ash and I sat in zir room and talked a bit and ( something profound happened )

Sunday Ash & Ben & I went to the Chastain Arts Festival (which had some truly incredible art), and then went to dinner with Nicole (where the food was yummy and Ash & Ben argued pretty fiercely about the evils/benefits of facebook), and then Ash went home and Ben & I had coffee and talked about various fascinating things. In particular we talked about the elements of 'good' poetry -- we almost agreed but not quite, as (if I understand zir correctly) ze feels that the more meaning a poem conveys and the more people it reaches, the better it is. I don't think that increases a poem's worth because to me, a poem's worth depends solely on the effort put into crafting it and how well it says what the poet meant to express (thus can only be rated meaningfully by its creator). I said that I'd read a poem in high school that struck me as quite ridiculously meaningless but created such a vivid picture in my mind, even to this day, and I feel like that makes it a successful poem (which is mere guesswork on my part -- it seems to me that the point was to create a picture in the reader's mind). I started to describe it and Ben quoted it to me because ze had been thinking of the same poem! This: ( by William Carlos Williams ) Then we watched "It Might Get Loud," a documentary about playing the electric guitar (focused on Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White) in which the artists spoke about the heart of creation and mentioned a lot of the very same things we'd been talking about. That was quite fun ;-)

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between

I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do? ( how it feels )

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

catching up on photosharing... these are all from before I went to San Francisco.



( two of Ash & me! )

( August 14th -- Viv and I went out to coffee before meeting up with Viv's friends Alex & Stian for Alex's birthday celebration. )

( August 16th -- out with Ash & lil sis & Viv at justben's birthday dinner! )

( August 17th -- seeing Other Lives and Bat For Lashes with Viv )

( Aug 30th -- Rebecca's baby shower )

So, for the past few years, I've spent a good chunk of summer in high-speed growth -- when Hannah visited or when I visited Hannah. This year that wasn't to be, and I wondered what it would be like to have a summer unmarked by such a time; I still won't know, because these past few weeks have been just as high-speed. I've been running headlong and just barely pulling my feet up fast enough not to fall on my face.

There's just so much that has happened that I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll try and put things in order and then go back and explain bits: ( boring list, just for my own reference )

So, first of all, I'm used to going out three or MAYBE four times a week. I'm pretty much 50/50 introvert/extrovert, and I need my alone time as much as I need my time with others. ( ... )

Also, looking back over this, a lot of the things I've done would have absolutely TERRIFIED the me of three months ago. I'm kinda amazed at myself. I fucking DANCED IN PUBLIC (which I've done before, but not WITH someone, which is a lot scarier to me). I got drunk! I went to a leather bar! I drove in Atlanta quite a few times! I hung out with people who seem intimidatingly cool, and (mostly) wasn't intimidated (heh). I know these things are probably not scary to most people but they certainly were to me. I think there is something behind that (besides the whole recovering-from-social-anxiety thing) -- they're things that I've always thought of as stuff that the 'cool' people do (referring to social status) and I expect rejection because I'm not one of that group. And I stress myself out because I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. But I think when I'm with Viv it's easier, because ze doesn't ever pretend, ze just is, so I feel like I have permission to be my uncool self even in a 'cool' setting. I kinda hope that the day comes where I am comfortable enough to be publicly uncool all by myself. I'm not there yet but I feel like this is movement towards it, because I'm losing my fear of people-I-admire. (I've never cared about the opinion of most people, but if I admire someone a lot I get painfully self-conscious and sometimes even self-loathing if I can't tell what they think of me)

And you know, I think that I've had these taboos against doing things which I labeled as 'cool.' Some people won't leave the house without being smartly dressed and groomed because to do so would be a violation of their self-image as a person who is always put-together. I've felt that way about doing things like going to clubs/bars/parties and/or drinking because my self-image is a person who Does Not Fit in those places and also Does Not Act Stupid. And I think it's fine to avoid those things if I genuinely don't enjoy them, but to avoid them out of a taboo is limiting. And I do enjoy them, to an extent. When I got drunk, I felt stupid but I also felt expansive and connected. I can feel those things without drinking, of course, but it's interesting to feel them among others who maybe don't have another way of feeling expansive and connected. I think that was what I enjoyed most about the experience, actually -- the sort of breaking down of boundaries among strangers, which I've only felt before at Christian festivals/retreats. I hadn't imagined that there could be something transcendent about getting a little drunk and dancing with strangers, but it felt that way to me, somewhat. It was lovely to feel openness and connectedness among people whom I'd usually feel vast worlds apart from.

( two affirming experiences in one night! )

( Other Lives & Bat For Lashes in concert )

I still have a lot to write about -- developments in my relationships with Viv, lil sis, Ash, B, and eviltwin, but since that will probably be as long as what I've already written I'll break it into another post.

photos now, words later ;-)

This set is from July 17th, when Viv and I went and got new guitar strings and then ze played for Mare & me & a neighbor who happened by.



( Viv playing guitar )

( lil sis & Ash & I out for coffee & then out with Thursday pagan group )

( to clay cafe pagan meeting w Ash, Viv, & Stuart )

( Viv & Ash & I go out to Le Buzz )

( August 9th we had a lazy morning and I got to take photos of Viv's eyes ♥ )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

SO, Saturday Ash, Alivia, and I went to a drag show! (the Mr. & Mrs. YouthPride Pageant) :D It was a little more... objectifying than I was hoping for, but not so much that it kept me from enjoying it. People did come up to tip the performers but they didn't poke it into their clothes, and the tips went towards YouthPride (the organization that held the pageant). Apparently the performers had been told not to dress scantily (since it was a youth event) but some of them didn't listen :-p

The main reason I went was that Viv was participating :D I liked zir view of drag -- how it's a way of showing that gender is something one performs, not something one is. But if there isn't at least one genderqueer* or genderfree* person performing, I don't think I'd want to go to drag shows in general because if no one fucks with it and everyone does it the same way, I don't really see it as any more progressive than if the people on stage were born male wearing 'male' clothes or vice versa.

*For me, the term genderqueer does not work because I feel like it implies inherent gender rather than socialized gender (even though it actually doesn't), but I was delighted to realize that it can mean essentially the same thing as genderfree. Genderqueer means rejecting gender norms for oneself; genderfree means rejecting the whole structure of gender. I had thought that being genderqueer meant approving of stereotyped roles in general while rejecting them for oneself; actually, it simply makes no comment on the roles except in how the particular person expresses zirself. So genderfree is a subset of genderqueer :D



( photos! :D )

The cuddle party was amazing! I can't use names because of the confidentiality agreement, so I'll use numbers :D I gave person 1 a backrub; gave person 2 a temples-forehead rub; got a foot massage from person 3; listened to poetry by person 4, danced with person 5 and stroked zir hair; rubbed the arm and back of person 6; exchanged backrubs, held hands, gave a hand massage to, and shared lengthy hugs with person 7; cuddled, held hands with, stroked arms and side, and finger-painted (minus paint) the face of person 8; spooned with person 7 and 8; gave hugs to quite a few others; and puppy-piled & circle-hugged with everyone.

I believe there's an energy exchange involved in touch -- I first realized this when I was massaging a person with MS, and I picked up some of the energy from the disease (I'm assuming, it could have been something else), which overwhelmed me to the point where I had to go in the other room and lay down on the floor (couldn't even make it to the bed), with my ears buzzing so much I couldn't hear, way too dizzy to move. That shook me up! I was a little cautious about touching the head of person 2 (because touching the head/face is the strongest energy exchange) but I felt nothing negative from it (though it could have contributed to my needing alone, grounding time after the party). Person 5 shared strawberry-sweet energy with me when we danced, and when person 7 rubbed my back I felt heat like I've only felt from a skilled energy healer before! Cuddling with person 8 felt like home and flying. Next time I hope to cuddle with new people (though if 7 and 8 are there I will probably spend a lot of time with them again).

My favorite aspect (besides the touch itself) was the asking and answering of questions ( ... )

The cuddle party was amazing! I can't use names because of the confidentiality agreement, so I'll use numbers :D I gave person 1 a backrub; gave person 2 a temples-forehead rub; got a foot massage from person 3; listened to poetry by person 4, danced with person 5 and stroked zir hair; rubbed the arm and back of person 6; exchanged backrubs, held hands, gave a hand massage to, and shared lengthy hugs with person 7; cuddled, held hands with, stroked arms and side, and finger-painted (minus paint) the face of person 8; spooned with person 7 and 8; gave hugs to quite a few others; and puppy-piled & circle-hugged with everyone.

I believe there's an energy exchange involved in touch -- I first realized this when I was massaging a person with MS, and I picked up some of the energy from the disease (I'm assuming, it could have been something else), which overwhelmed me to the point where I had to go in the other room and lay down on the floor (couldn't even make it to the bed), with my ears buzzing so much I couldn't hear, way too dizzy to move. That shook me up! I was a little cautious about touching the head of person 2 (because touching the head/face is the strongest energy exchange) but I felt nothing negative from it (though it could have contributed to my needing alone, grounding time after the party). Person 5 shared strawberry-sweet energy with me when we danced, and when person 7 rubbed my back I felt heat like I've only felt from a skilled energy healer before! Cuddling with person 8 felt like home and flying. Next time I hope to cuddle with new people (though if 7 and 8 are there I will probably spend a lot of time with them again).

My favorite aspect (besides the touch itself) was the asking and answering of questions ( ... )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

It's interesting how breakups motivate me. I suppose when I'm in a relationship, I put more and more energy into it without noticing it, and then when the breakup happens I suddenly realize I have all this energy with no demands on it. Last time I went through a major breakup (with a friend) it lead to a sudden drop in my fear, and this time it has had the same effect. I've been doing things that would have taken so much energy and courage before, and doing them without even thinking twice.

I mentioned how it was difficult for me to go to the pagan meeting last month -- since then I've been out with strangers and/or to new places several times, with less anxiety each time.

( druidic Beltaine ritual )

( borderPagans meetings )

( to the book sale with Ash )

( to the drum circle with Kat K and zir friend Pat, meeting Shel & Ryan )

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

When we were out last Saturday, Kat K suggested I might be an "Indigo" after I spoke about something intuitive/precognitive (can't remember what it was now). I responded by saying that I believe everyone has intuition, and both Ash and Kat K disagreed. I've been thinking about it since then.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in "indigo" "crystal" "rainbow" or super-psychic children, or more accurately, I don't believe those things are inborn traits of certain special people, but that they are traits which ALL human beings have the potential for. Most people simply refuse to believe in or develop them -- despite experiencing aspects such as déjà vu (sometimes that's just remembering a similar situation, but sometimes it is remembering an important aspect of your life purpose, which I believe you knew before birth), precognitive dreams, a 'bad feeling' or a 'good feeling' or an urge to contact someone or knowing who is calling before you look at the phone or other things that are not considered aspects of intuition/psychic ability even though they are. The only children who are not "indigo" or "crystal" are those who have already been stamped into hiding those qualities -- through parents or peers who repress them. No child is born without these gifts, and no adult lacks the ability to draw them out and develop them. ( the traits are not appearing for the first time; they are being recognized and appreciated for the first time )

I am wholeheartedly and fiercely equalist in spiritual matters as in everything else. Every single person is just as gifted as everyone else. I think believing in special gifts for a select group is elitist and serves to cause those who believe themselves to be 'gifted' to be lazy, as they feel they were born with their gifts and don't need to develop themselves, and it causes those who don't believe themselves to be 'gifted' to feel helpless and not bother to develop themselves because they think it has no point. Believing that traits are inborn rather than self-created causes people to stagnate.

I do understand the draw of the concept -- it is wonderful to feel part of a group, especially part of a group that is better than everyone else. But like all exclusionary groups, it divides more than it draws together. Instead of feeling a kinship with the whole world, a person who believes themselves to be "Indigo" feels a kinship with other "Indigos" and feels no kinship or a lesser kinship with the rest of humankind (or sees them as 'less evolved' and in need of guidance by the more-evolved "Indigos"). It's natural to be more drawn to people who are like you -- but deciding this on a group basis rather than an individual basis is discriminatory.

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and S (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend S (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and S; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and Sheree (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend Sheree (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and Sheree; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

Some of you will remember the breakdown I had, resulting in the end of my friendship with Ashley and leading to silence with Aurilion (then called Lily). For those who don't know and don't want to read that megapost, ( lemme splain. No, is too much, let me sum up: )

Yesterday Aurilion and I had a long talk about that night, discussing how ze had felt in that situation. Ze had felt such a desire to reach out to me, to show me compassion and understanding, but had felt that ze couldn't do it, felt as if ze could not speak against Ashley (partly because of not yet knowing how to set boundaries and define zir own will). I had already felt the truth of this -- in fact, I remember seeing that compassion in Aurilion's eyes and feeling insane because I felt zir spirit saying one thing while zir words said another. I remember feeling such desperation at having zir RIGHT THERE and yet as distant as fog. We talked about this for a long while and I assured zir that it does not color zir for me, that I do not see that experience when I look at zir, that I understand, that it is completely forgiven, that I know that was not the actions of zir trueself.

Barely five minutes after Aurilion and I finish talking, there's a loud knock on the door and I dart into the other room (since I was naked as usual). Ben looks out and tells me that it's Ashley! At first I thought ze was joking, because what timing! but it was true! So I put on some clothes and went to talk to zir. Ze's in a very hard situation financially... I wish I could do more to help because I know how dreadful it is to be in that place, but we're in a tight spot right now too. Anyway, I ended up taking zir out for dinner and we had a long talk, which was pretty enlightening.

During the breakup Ashley was very angry with me, and I really had no idea why. I looked at my actions over and over trying to find where I had made a mistake or been unkind, and I could not find fault. Today ze explained that ze had thought I was faking the pain in order to manipulate zir and keep zir from being with Aurilion -- keep zir to myself. (Ashley added that it was even more upsetting when put in the context of our relationship: for over a year I had been helping zir learn how to keep people from manipulating zir) Looking at it from that point of view, I can understand why ze was so angry! I would have been fucking furious myself if I thought someone was manipulating me in that way. It had never even occurred to me that ze could think that because 1) it was so obvious to me that I had good reason for that pain, and 2) I'm really incapable of it. Emotional dishonesty is the deepest level of lies; you have to be really, really good at lying to manufacture fake emotion. And the level of emotion I experienced was so extreme I don't know if anyone could fake it even if they were good at faking it.

Anyway, I finally understand why ze did what ze did, and all the pieces click into place. I had already forgiven zir but it helps to understand the reasons why. There's still some unresolved pain between Aurilion and Ashley, so I'm not comfortable being close with Ashley now, but I think that now it is just a matter of time and we will be friends again eventually.

Today I've felt very odd, thinking about all this and also worrying about Ashley's current situation. :-/ I really hope ze is okay.

ETA: just to clarify, we aren't currently friends and that feels right to me. We're not really in communication (that day was a fluke) and I'm not looking to change that. This didn't really change my feelings about Ashley, it just solved a mystery for me.

Some of you will remember the breakdown I had, resulting in the end of my friendship with Ashley and leading to silence with Aurilion (then called Lily). For those who don't know and don't want to read that megapost, ( lemme splain. No, is too much, let me sum up: )

Yesterday Aurilion and I had a long talk about that night, discussing how ze had felt in that situation. Ze had felt such a desire to reach out to me, to show me compassion and understanding, but had felt that ze couldn't do it, felt as if ze could not speak against Ashley (partly because of not yet knowing how to set boundaries and define zir own will). I had already felt the truth of this -- in fact, I remember seeing that compassion in Aurilion's eyes and feeling insane because I felt zir spirit saying one thing while zir words said another. I remember feeling such desperation at having zir RIGHT THERE and yet as distant as fog. We talked about this for a long while and I assured zir that it does not color zir for me, that I do not see that experience when I look at zir, that I understand, that it is completely forgiven, that I know that was not the actions of zir trueself.

Barely five minutes after Aurilion and I finish talking, there's a loud knock on the door and I dart into the other room (since I was naked as usual). Ben looks out and tells me that it's Ashley! At first I thought ze was joking, because what timing! but it was true! So I put on some clothes and went to talk to zir. Ze's in a very hard situation financially... I wish I could do more to help because I know how dreadful it is to be in that place, but we're in a tight spot right now too. Anyway, I ended up taking zir out for dinner and we had a long talk, which was pretty enlightening.

During the breakup Ashley was very angry with me, and I really had no idea why. I looked at my actions over and over trying to find where I had made a mistake or been unkind, and I could not find fault. Today ze explained that ze had thought I was faking the pain in order to manipulate zir and keep zir from being with Aurilion -- keep zir to myself. (Ashley added that it was even more upsetting when put in the context of our relationship: for over a year I had been helping zir learn how to keep people from manipulating zir) Looking at it from that point of view, I can understand why ze was so angry! I would have been fucking furious myself if I thought someone was manipulating me in that way. It had never even occurred to me that ze could think that because 1) it was so obvious to me that I had good reason for that pain, and 2) I'm really incapable of it. Emotional dishonesty is the deepest level of lies; you have to be really, really good at lying to manufacture fake emotion. And the level of emotion I experienced was so extreme I don't know if anyone could fake it even if they were good at faking it.

Anyway, I finally understand why ze did what ze did, and all the pieces click into place. I had already forgiven zir but it helps to understand the reasons why. There's still some unresolved pain between Aurilion and Ashley, so I'm not comfortable being close with Ashley now, but I think that now it is just a matter of time and we will be friends again eventually.

Today I've felt very odd, thinking about all this and also worrying about Ashley's current situation. :-/ I really hope ze is okay.

ETA: just to clarify, we aren't currently friends and that feels right to me. We're not really in communication (that day was a fluke) and I'm not looking to change that. This didn't really change my feelings about Ashley, it just solved a mystery for me.