Early spring last year my biodad, who owns the house in which I live, threatened to kick me out if I couldn't pay an unreasonable amount of rent, so I told him I was going to move out as soon as possible. After he tried to rent it to my cousin and she flaked out, he seemed to come to his senses since the house is not in rentable condition to any unrelated person. He sent me an email with a proposal of me covering the house expenses. I proposed some amendments on the methods and included that they can't come visit without at least 2 weeks notice, they can't go through my stuff, etc and he agreed. I also said that they need to respect my need for calls to be scheduled, and they have mostly done that, with the exception of my birthday. While it is not a pleasant thing for me to get an unscheduled call ever, I can understand and forgive the impulse there.

He also included this, in the hyper-formal fashion typical of his writing:

"Also, I have given careful thought to your name.  [Your maternal grandfather] was faced with the prospect that one of his daughters decided not to use her birth name and replaced it with a name of her choice.  Her birth name was [birthname] and her newly chosen name was [chosen name].  Mr. [maternal grandfather] honored her decision and called her [chosen name].

     I am no better than [maternal grandfather's full name], my kinsman and father, and I will follow his example, if required.  If you ask me to refer to you as James, I will honor your request.  Simply ask.

     My name, however, is [M], to the whole world except my children.  I request that my children refer to me as Daddy or Dad.  You only have one daddy and his days are numbered.  This is my request."

So I agreed to call him Dad, which I hadn't ever done (I went right from "Daddy" to his first name). I feel doubtful that he respects my name when talking about me to others, but I'm trying to use "Dad" more in my head so it doesn't feel so weird and uncomfortable.

He came in town to visit a relative who is sick (someone I don't know) and before planning that trip he asked if he could stay at my house. He did a great job of checking in and not using pressuring or controlling language, so I said yes, and I offered to take a day off to spend it with him.

He finished his trip to the sick family member and his longtime mentor and arrived at my house on Sunday. He bought himself some groceries before arriving, and we sat on the front porch to have dinner together. He asked if it was okay to reheat meat in my house (I'm a vegetarian) and I said yes -- amazed that he thought to ask, and that it seemed like a real question. We had dinner and a thoughtful conversation -- which was a little one-sided as he talked a LOT but listening takes less work for me most of the time so I was okay with it. When he seemed to not listen I pointed it out and he paused and listened.

Yesterday was the day I took off to spend with him, and it was a good day, overall. We had breakfast together, went to a park I love and took a long walk, and then went to dinner. I gave him a book about trees that I had been thinking of mailing him, and he actually looked at it and smiled and said he thought he would enjoy it. Love of trees is one thing we share, though he cannot let the subject pass without emphasizing that he is fine with cutting trees that need to be cut because they lean dangerously or whatever. Every. Single. Time. we talk about trees he says that. I get it, okay? I'm not about to criticize you for loving then too much so enough with the preemptive defensiveness! I feel for him about it though.

When we got back we loaded up the paper recycling for him to take in his truck, and while I know he wanted to complain that there was so much cardboard (he thinks its dirty to keep it around) he didn't complain or pressure, and even verbally assured me that he didn't want to do anything but complete the chore for me. In the past he would have said "this has got to go. I'm going to load it up, come help me." So he was doing remarkably well with being respectful.

We talked a lot which was so exhausting because he twists himself in knots sometimes to avoid saying things which don't actually need to be avoided, and he is stubbornly wrong about almost anything to do with social justice. But I finally said something that got through yesterday when he was talking about how he doesn't trust or like cops and how they're assholes to him and he thinks its not about race.

I told him that maybe the cops who harass are all assholes who would prefer to treat everyone like shit, but they expect, looking at a white man, that there is a greater chance of him having powerful friends. An asshole cop still doesn't want to get in trouble so he is going to take out his shittiness on the people he guesses as the least powerful. Dad told me "you just said something powerful there" and agreed that that would be a consideration for cops. I thought to myself "not any less powerful or true than the other things I have said but somehow this didn't get caught on your defenses."

This is why I talk back to privileged ignorance every time I have the chance. This was like the third time we had the same conversation in one day, and I tried something slightly different and this time I got through. There are little cracks in everybody's privilege that can bring understanding, but the only way to find those cracks is to push against their privilege over and over and over in different spots.

In a time of ancient Goddes, Witches, and Quings, there was a people who lived in joy and plenty. They worshiped the Godde of water, Upanasiel, who brought forth almost more fruit and vegetables than they could eat. They hardly had to tend their crops because their Godde cleared the sky to allow the plants bright sun every morning and then drenched the plants with rain every afternoon in the summer. If ever someone's seeds faltered or their plants were devoured by insects, it was easy for the others to share their extra to ensure that everyone had enough.

The people would shout in celebration when the rain began, as it washed away their sweat and cooled their skin. They would chant low with the gusts of the wind and dance with thumping feet. The adults would make jokes to each other about the resplendently fertile hills where Upanasiel shook out their hair every day, and the children would think they understood and laugh too. They would marvel to each other at the generosity of Upanasiel and always save some water for drinking the next hot morning before the rains came again.

In winter, they imagined that Upanasiel went into the mountain and danced there, causing the heart of the mountain to overflow. During the winter it never rained yet the streams were always more full than in the summer, and the water was always cold like it was in the caves on the mountain. Even though they never saw Upanasiel while the trees slept, the people felt the cold flow was a mark of their distant favor and care.

One winter while Upanasiel was away, another Godde and his priests came to visit the valley. They told the people that their joy was foolish and their trust naive: that life is not meant to be joy, but instead toil. Their Godde, who they said was stronger and cleverer than Upanasiel, demanded the sacrifice of sweat without respite and demanded worship without cause. Whenever the people would mention Upanasiel, the priests loudly chanted their Godde's name, Caparkhes, over and over until the people stopped. This was so annoying that the people stopped mentioning Upanasiel in any public gathering.

One day the people asked the priests, if Caparkhes was nearby at all times why couldn't anyone see him? The priests hurriedly shushed the people and said that Caparkhes became furious whenever someone doubted his presence, and would punish them. The people thought this was ridiculous -- what Godde wasn't pleased by curiosity? -- but they stopped asking. Everything they learned about this Godde made him seem like the most desperately posturing creature they could imagine. They didn't want to hurt his delicate feelings, silly though they may be.

But the next morning, they found a dairy animal dead by the river, and the morning after that a companion animal, and the morning after that a human child, without a mark on them or any sign as to how they died. The priests pointed and said "this is the wrath of Caparkhes." The people feared more death, and asked the priests what they could do to appease Caparkhes. The priests said they should cover their shamefully naked bodies with cloth. This seemed like a very silly waste of blankets and wall hangings but an easy enough task. They fashioned clothing for everyone and no one went naked any more, except deep in the forest where the priests would not go because of the tree-demons. They took Caparkhes' priests seriously now, because when they did not, more creatures would die in the same way.

Spring was coming, and some of the people quietly hoped that Upanasiel would return and cast out Caparkhes and his priests, who had begun to demand the finest and most of everything "for Caparkhes lest his wrath return." The winter stores had run out much sooner than usual with the priests demanding some sacrifices in flame, and some in their own bowls. The people had resorted to eating some of their saved seeds and roots. They thought surely Upanasiel will have a solution for this mess, and at least there would be new fruits again soon.

Upanasiel did come back, and joyously shook their hair across the sky and filled the wind with rain. The people were relieved, but afraid to praise too loud for fear that Caparkhes would punish them. They did not shout, or chant, or dance, but quietly planted and hoped. Upanasiel wondered at their silence, but faithfully blessed them each day as they had for generations. After months went by with still not a song or shout or thump, Upanasiel curiously sent part of themself the form of a companion animal and went to be among the people, to see if they could understand this new silence.

It was not a silence, up close. The people complained every day when the rains came. It plastered their clothes and made them feel sticky and miserable, and it did not cool them because the cloth held the heat in. They were just hot and wet and unhappy. And itchy, because the clothes didn't fully dry and fungus grew on their skin in the continuous damp. The people never felt comfortable except in the late heat of the morning when their clothes finally dried -- shortly before the rains came again. The people fought with each other over the most petty of issues in order to take their minds off of their incessant discomfort, distract themselves from their grief, and most of all to feel a sense of control through winning, though they never won anything that mattered and they put cracks in all their relationships. They put up blocks against the rain and wind and hid inside like mice, which made them more dry but also more restless. Without dancing their bodies never felt satisfied. Without chanting they never felt unified. Without thumping they never felt resonance with the earth.

Upanasiel was horrified and heartbroken to see their people so crushed, and was tempted to immediately fry the priests like the gristle that they were. But the people had lost control of their own lives, and to intervene as a deity would doom them to a future of always looking outside themselves for the solution. Upanasiel knew the people had to uncover the lies that the priests had told, so Upanasiel looked for a truth-seeker, one who had not stopped questioning the validity of Caparkhes. The adults were all too fearful. In this small and closely connected valley, every adult had lost at least one child they loved to the tantrums of Caparkhes. No one could bear to lose another, and they did not realize they were gradually losing them all.

Upanasiel sat by the forest, and waited for a child to come. Someone who was not yet so afraid of the priests that they would forsake the trees. Days passed, and still none had come. Upanasiel wondered if it was too late. At last, on midsummer's eve, a child approached in a silent sprint -- but they were not alone. They paused at the edge of the forest and whispered loudly "hurry up!" and another child rushed up the side of the hill. And another, and another. When there were eleven, they ran into the forest and yanked their clothes off, throwing them in a pile near the edge. Free, they ran around giggling in a stage whisper, playing, climbing, swinging, and dancing. Upanasiel shifted into a larger form, the shape of a companion animal but twice as large, and glimmering like moon-shadow. They walked into the path of the children and sat down. It didn't take long before all of the children were gathered around exclaiming quietly over their size and beauty, petting their dark cloudy fur that sparked gently with each stroke, and gazing at their mossy green face. Upanasiel spoke, not aloud but in their minds, and told them,

"You are the witches and quings your people need. Your only path to freedom in the daylight again will be difficult and dangerous. Will you do it anyway?" The children in their innocent sense of immortality quickly agreed. Upanasiel told them that most of them must be very quiet and very cautious, and three of them must be raucous and wild. The three loudest children immediately knew their task, and Upanasiel sent a smile in their minds. The others were assigned silence, two to each of the priests. "You must watch them constantly. Take turns sleeping; do not let them go unguarded. When you find their lies, steal the proof, bring it to the center-house and shout it loudly and repeatedly." To all the children, Upanasiel said "Do not fear Caparkhes. He is the smallest and greediest Godde but he has no power over life, only over fear."

The next afternoon as soon as the rain began, two children stripped off their clothes and ran squealing with laughter through the whole town, shouting "Caparkhes is a toddler who poops on himself! Poops on himself!" when they started to run out of breath it became "Caparkhes is poops Caparkhes poops Caparkhes poooooops!!!" The adults threatened and begged and cried, but the children had smeared their skin with oil and without clothing to grab on to, the adults could not catch them or stop them. The priests pinched their lips in angry little pouts and shook their heads, then looked to the sky and piously intoned "Father, forgive them!" The adults begged to do penance for the children, who were now hiding where no one could find them. The priests shrugged and frowned as if they worried and said there was nothing they could do but pray. So the adults all knelt and begged Caparkhes to spare their children. Upanasiel raged and snarled in livid frustration but waited for the children to finish their work.

That night, as the adults kept vigil, the children watched the priests. Three of them prayed with the adults, but one claimed exhaustion and went to his wind-rain block, to sleep. The two children assigned to watch him followed quietly just out of sight. He went into his shelter and soon the children heard snores. They looked at each other in disappointment and confusion, but waited anyway. After a little while the snores faded and the priest peeked out of his shelter. He skulked toward a nearby wind-rain block, a large vial clasped in one hand. The children instantly knew that the vial was the lie they were looking for -- why else would a priest who did every action at the top of his lungs be sneaking? They quickly whispered a plan. One of them ran up to the priest and hissed, "Caparkhes is made of vomit with shit for a tongue!" As the priest gasped in shock and fury, the other child snatched the vial from his hand and ran as fast as they could to the center-house, shrieking "I found the lie I found the lie I found the lie!"

When the child reached the center-house, still shrieking, everyone clamored to know what they were talking about. They held aloft the vial and said "we saw that priest taking this to where baby Efrina was sleeping!" Suddenly suspicious, one of the people's witches took the vial, opened and sniffed it, touched a finger to the cork and then to her tongue, then spat. "This is white-root!" she exclaimed. The people used white-root in a tea when someone was in a great deal of pain, because it slowed the blood and eased the senses. It grew far away and always alone, and it took a good amount for a small effect so it had never occurred to them that it could be used to kill. Seeing so much in the vial, it was suddenly very obvious what had happened to all their beloveds. They turned as one in unutterable fury towards the priests. One of the three who prayed said dismissively, "it can't possibly be what you think" as they all looked towards the elder priest. He stood frozen where the children had left him, but when the other priests looked at him he stiffened up and shouted "it was the will of Caparkhes! I am but a tool in the hand of the Almighty Godde!" The other priests looked at each other, stricken, as the adults snarled and surged towards the elder priest.

Upanasiel coalesced as a monstrous person, thrice as large as any human and glittering all over with dark stars. They clasped the elder priest in clawed hands and said in a thunderous voice with lightning flashing in their teeth, "Adults, hear me. Your punishment for your cowardice is to be denied your revenge. Your children suffered and died for your lack of resistance to these evil-mongers, and yet they who suffered rescued you. They will come with me and decide this one's fate, which you will not be permitted to know. Rather than vengeance, you must plan your vigilance, so that you will not fall prey to such lies again." Then children, elder priest, and Upanasiel vanished.

The adults looked at the remaining priests, all of whom lay prostrate and sobbing, two having soiled themselves, and they turned away in disgust. They ripped off their clothing and tore down their wind-rain blocks. They bathed in the rain and began to feel hope again. They gathered and began to plan against any future lies or attempts to control through fear.

When the remaining priests had gathered themselves and realized that their god was not one worthy of worship and that they had permitted atrocious acts in his name, they begged the adults to allow them to worship Upanasiel. The adults shook their heads in bafflement at the idea that it was their decision, and the priests took this as a rejection and left, whining and sniping at each other about whose fault it was. They were never heard from again.

Away in the forest, Upanasiel asked the children what the fate of the elder priest should be. They discussed it among themselves and after lively shouting, decided that the elder priest should be made into a sapling and planted in the center of the valley. Upanasiel was deeply pleased and asked for an explanation. The child who thought it up replied "because all life can be useful and trees give so much for so long. And being without the power to control anyone will be torture at first and then maybe transform his soul into a useful one too. So it's a punishment but also a cure." Upanasiel beamed and said that they would do this, but a little more sneakily to fool the adults. They turned the elder priest into a seed, handed him to the idea-child, and told all the children to speak truth to the lies when they returned to the center.

Back in the center of the valley, the idea-child held up a seed and said, "this is a symbol from Upanasiel of what we must all be! Rooted in earth, open to the wind, grateful for the rain, and as strong as a tree in resistance to any being who seeks to control others." The child bent and pressed the seed against the ground and Upanasiel grew it into a five-year sapling right before their eyes. The other children each took turns explaining what lies the people had accepted from the evil-mongers and what they must forever resist. Now the day after Summer Solstice is forever a day of planting, being grateful for rain, and dismantling lies.

Later, of course, when the curious adults begged to know what became of the murderer, Upanasiel took pity and told them. Because any decent Godde values curiosity.

what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why? (from here)

My most powerful spiritual experiences: when I felt a strong warning, "no," as I was walking through a river and was about to step in a spot, but I dismissed it as not real and stepped anyway and nearly sliced my toe off on broken glass and had to go to the hospital and get like 28 stitches (age 9); when trees have spoken to me (it happened twice where it was strong enough that I felt no doubt); when interacting with los Niños Santos; when I realized that an afterlife didn't make sense to me anymore and stopped believing in it; when I had a dream-that-felt-more-real-than-waking about having sex underground with Geb; when I felt someone energetically draining me through my lover and did energy work deliberately for the first time out of desperation; when I help someone find a name that is true for them; when I have had sex in ways that involve more spiritual/energetic interactions than physical ones; when singing and dancing in church, particularly once when I felt Jesus' presence so intensely that I didn't doubt it; one time when a prophet gave me a message from Godde saying "I believe in you" which both felt very validating and turned my perception of deity on its ear; once when I felt the presence of Aphrodite while interacting with a lover who I perceived as a priestess/incarnation of them; when I felt perfect unity of consciousness with a lover to the point where I wasn't sure which limb was mine, and we spoke the same words at the same time; when I have sensed the emotions of my spirit-kin over great distance of mind and body; when I felt/saw the heartbeat of the forest; when I have dreams about people who are important to me that I meet, later; when I felt in great despair and then found a green-blue piece of sea glass (I had never found any before despite careful searching); I'm sure there are others.

Some of my experiences have been recontextualized. I used to attribute everything spiritual to a singular god, but now I don't attribute things to deity unless I feel a specific presence. For instance, finding the sea glass I would have taken as comfort from god, whereas now I take it as me desperately seeking a sign of hope and drawing it to me and me to it with the force of my longing. This doesn't make it less meaningful to me, it makes it more meaningful. Rather than relying on something external, I rely on myself. I don't need attention from a particular being to be able to have magic.

These past few days are a blur and I am baffled. Mostly in a good way.

Sunday we stayed in, mostly, and at the end of the evening we played Dixit and Truth-or-Truth For Newbies. Before I left Topaz printed my 188 questions out (by request) and I invented an easier way for people to play. On first play almost everyone finds it difficult to decide who to ask and difficult to come up with a question, so I randomized those choices. I also created a possibility for a point system because Topaz says it's not a real game without one, but everyone opted out of that so I'm gonna discard it I think. I think I might turn ToTfN into a physical game I can carry, by making the questions into color-coded cards and buying a dedicated set of dice and making number cards. But that's a load of work, so maybe not. Anyway, we played them and everyone really enjoyed both games. And, to my surprise, my gparent V and parent M both participated and gave it their best. V actually said today that playing the games was their favorite time so far this visit. I felt really pleased that it went over so well and I'm looking forward to playing again!

I looked up local Champion Trees and found a nature tour that showed off a bunch of old live oaks (my - AND cousin E's - favorite tree) and the state champion red cedar (among other things) and told everyone about it and asked if they wanted to go. They did, so we got up early on Monday to go. The tour was great except that it was scorching hot and the group kept scattering and we moved pretty fast around things, all of which kept me from being able to truly tune in. But we came by this one Loblolly pine that I just fell in love with and really want to go see again. I felt such a connection with it, but it was near the end and everyone was so tired and hot and hungry that I didn't want to hold them up, so I just marveled for a moment and took a quick photo for memory and that was it.

Then we went to a restaurant which was a mess of disorganization - M wanted Golden Corral, everyone else wanted mexican food, we were in two cars and got separated without a shared destination address and then there was a horrid speakerphone call where everyone was saying something different and finally E hung up and I just texted them telling them we decided on the simplest plan. Pibling L was super stressed out by this and so was Ace, which I found interesting and bizarre, as it annoyed me but didn't stress me out. I tried to ask why it was stressful and didn't get much of an answer but I think it has to do with wanting to make everyone happy? If it was my friends having a squabble and not talking out the plan in a kind and respectful manner I probably would have been bothered by it but I think i would have reacted the same way, by making the practical choice for myself and letting them deal or not as they would. I think I only care about making people happy while they are willing to try and help. If they're just going to dig in their heels and shout, I no longer care if I make them happy right now.

Later that day we were going to go to the beach but it started raining right as we headed there, and thundering meant no one else wanted to go. So we sat by the pool and watched the sky until it was no longer thundering, but then everyone just wanted to be at the pool. It was sprinkling lightly for a while and then there was a gorgeous double rainbow! Also E asked me about my ex-spouse and I told them that story, including the years I was working through childhood sexual abuse while my ex-spouse supported me. I also briefly explained poly. And we talked about E and their person, and churches. I told them about my experience with Liberty and how that informed my requirements for future choices. I talked about the Quaker meeting I like and they said they want to go with me sometime.

Later it was just me, P, E, and Ace after everyone went to bed, and we played two rounds of Blockus which was fun and I realized that E is a determined creature, because they were almost completely blocked off but they refused a free move and figured their way out. I would have been despairing of my choices in their position.

Today I woke up to the sounds of an argument about immigration. I hoped it was over before I came out but it was not, so I waded in by explaining the extreme poverty associated with being undocumented and how creating monetary requirements for citizenship (including in the form of fines plus amnesty) is never a solution. Then I mentioned widespread poverty in the US and exploitation of the poor and Ace went off about welfare 'abuses' (from buying alcohol or a car to shopping at a gas station) and I just couldn't get them to understand that them seeing it 20 times or even 100 times doesn't make it true of the average person on welfare. M was certain that welfare makes people lazy and I refuted that with the Mincome experiment and various other countries very successful systems with social safety nets. M then refused to believe in the existence of these things and demanded that I show sources. I told them no, you don't get to put more stringent requirements on my arguments than on your own, and you have shown no sources for your statements. That was the end of it because other people got impatient with the conversation.

Later we went to the beach, which was fun but not really worth it to me - I guess I got spoiled by the trip with Topaz to that pristine bay beach last year. This water felt like human soup - it was still fun to be in the waves but it wasn't a serene experience where I could connect with nature. It felt polluted and overwhelmed, and it was so salty that it stung my eyes from the barest of splashes. But I think that was also the time of day, and I want to try going again around 7p to get softer light and fewer people. I got to share my boogie board and goggles with people, which made me super happy.

After two hours we came back and went to the pool. Ace and E and I hung out for a while talking about sexuality and racism, and E's stories of their person getting stopped for driving while black and then E getting thrown to the ground for videoing it made way more of an impact on Ace than anything I ever said. So I felt like a failure, and also vindicated and also like I need to memorize some stories because damn, don't nobody take macro-level facts seriously.

I asked E what they wanted to get out of the trip and they said they wanted to build relationships that would be more than talking while on vacation. I asked Ace and they said they wanted to be able to relax and build up some strength and confidence. Then E asked me and I said that I wanted to feel able to be myself. L joined us somewhere during this and asked if I felt I hadn't been myself. I said no, I hadn't, because I didn't correct people and people assumed things about me that weren't true of me. I used the example of someone asking me if I have a boyfriend - if I just say no, I'm not being myself because that assumption left unchallenged makes it seem like I'm straight. They seemed to understand that and feel sad for me that I had not felt able to be myself. I mentioned that getting to know Topaz' family made me realize that maybe my family could handle the real me and I should give them a chance to. Somewhere in this conversation I talked about being trans and (in response to E's question) mentioned that I want to change my voice and facial hair.

E asked me how I first knew I was trans, and I told the story in a better way than I had last time someone asked me that, explaining that I felt pieces of it for a long time but it wasn't until I had a mild breakdown that I realized that it wasn't just a set of feelings, but part of my identity. L had a hard time understanding what exactly I meant by genderfree/agender, partly because they hang out with mainstream gay people who are all binary. They couldn't imagine sex outside the hetero script (since even their gay friends use it) or relationships outside of gender and I had no idea how to explain. It's hard to explain because there are no cultural references to non-binary people. How do you even explain an absence of something? My identity with gender is actually not a presence of something but the absence of it. If I were bigender it would be easier to explain, I feel, and easier to accept. I got lost and felt blathery. E took it in and without missing a damn beat started using gender-neutral pronouns. Holy fuckin shit y'all, I hadn't even asked for them. I was so impressed.

L and E exclaimed when I mentioned that being 'ladies'd bothered me and I hastily assured them that I wasn't upset by them and that I hadn't mentioned it because I figured one step at a time, that I know it's tough to absorb. E was appreciative of that and I think L was relieved. I also said that it's okay to call me stuff like 'girl' if you do that with literally all kinds of people.

Later I ended up in a conversation with M and P about homelessness, veterans, and the intimacy of facing death and trauma together. It was fairly on-topic and not too horribly full of wrongness (M made one comment about personal choice to which I said "I'm not going to talk about that"), and it lead to a moment of what felt like real vunerability from M. I was saying that lots of the people who go to war have no experience with real emotional intimacy, and then they go into an intensely intimate experience with others where they share responsibility for each others' lives as well as living space and work - coming back, part of the trauma is loss of that intimacy with no tools available to them to get it back. Nobody teaches intimacy in a meaningful way except in therapy and even then it's iffy, and men especially are taught by society to avoid intimacy with each other, so not even the people who were there with you and came back are available to you when you get back. I said that this was just my guess, and asked for M's thoughts on it. They said it was true, and mentioned their own loss. Something interrupted, and they said that they needed to go lay down and walked into the other room. They did this same abrupt ending last night so I didn't think anything of it at the time but now I'm a little worried I may have stepped on a very sore place.

My idea of fun has changed very little since I was a kid. Even then, I cringed when watching movies where people crashed into things and made a huge mess, and a food fight never sounded like anything but a giant disgusting chore made by selfish brats. The idea of having a monkey as a pet would never have appealed to me because I wouldn't want to clean up after it.

What was fun to me was tiny magical toys, being in the woods, reading, talking, and thinking. I only had one fairy winkle as a child but have since used ebay to build a collection that I then spent upwards of 10 hours building a tree home for. Yes I still sometimes take them out in the woods to play. Trees are even more important to me now that I have learned more about them and become able to connect with them in a mutual way.And books? Even though I don't have unlimited time to read anymore, I have 500+ books now and I still carry a book almost everywhere I go. Talking is still a favorite: not chatting, mind you, but communicating a mutual sharing of meaningful thoughts. Like discussing relationship difficulties or the nature of reality or the possibilities that lie in what we do not know.

And thinking. I don't sink into it as deeply as I did as a kid because the fantasies about my own house and land and snow leopard now have become a little worn, and a little tinged with the sorrow of slim chance. But I am never bored if I can think. If I have to pay attention to something that prevents me thinking, I will nearly die of boredom, but otherwise, my mind is a playground.

I've heard many people express longing for a return to childlike wonder, for the freedom of childhood. I wasn't free as a child, and maybe that's why the things in which I found joy became so deeply a part of me. Or maybe I just experience less shame than most and can embrace these things as much as I ever did. Or maybe because I thought so much about how I was devalued for being a child, I determined that I would never see childish things as lesser, and kept my word to myself.

sabr gave me these two prompts:

March 26: The eve of my most lucrative photography event of the year, the Red Barn Run. Tell me about what you would do for a career if you could do anything?
Anything... well my number one ideal would be to have someone subsidize my life as I went about offering what good I could offer to whoever needed it: relationship counseling, energy cleansing, photography, life coaching, card readings, art, crafty parties, cuddle sessions, intimacy practices (this, actually, I feel would be AMAZING to do five times a week with different groups, me just facilitating as they interacted and learned about each other). I think I would end up doing the world the most good this way. Second best would be to be in a lucrative job working in stats, so that I could donate to the organizations that I feel are making positive difference, and be able to help out friends in need, while working at a job that I like and am good at. Third would be working in research and/or being a professor at a college. I feel like that would be a high-stress job and I might get burnt out, but I could do significant good for a while I think.

March 27: This is Scarlette (my unicorn)'s purchase anniversary. She is the most sacred connection I have on this earth. Tell me about the most prized possession you have.
hm. That's hard to answer! pretty much everything in my sanctuary is deeply important to me. But if I strip it down to "save only one object" I think that would have to be the Tree I made:

( photos )

I wanted to make a home for my tiny Faeries, so I found a perfect old print at a thrift store (I had originally intended to find a canvas that I would paint over entirely but this presented itself!), painted the matting to make it more blended with the actual print (this took several tries), and added two bits of vellum with meaningful phrases. I tore brown paper bags into strips, soaked them in gluey water, twisted and squished them into the shape of a tree, waited forever for it to dry, painted it over with glue to make it sturdy and shiny, and let it dry again, then glued it in place on the framed print. I cut up toilet paper rolls into crescents and painted them (twice), then glued them along the branches, and glued acrylic petals (which I had had for at least 14 years) on with tiny glass marbles in their center. All in all this project took the most time of any single art piece I've ever done. And it came out exactly as I wanted and made a perfect home for my Faeries. It's sacred to me because it was a labor of love for holding magic, it's full of materials that would have otherwise been thrown away, it's kind of a selfportrait, and of course because it is a tree with roots in water.

Prompt from bunnika: What are your most sacred spaces? Do you enjoy sharing them, or do you prefer to enjoy them in solitude?

My sacred spaces are anywhere with trees, especially large trees, spreading trees, old growth, on flat ground, with water nearby. Locally, those places are Big Trees Forest Preserve, Heritage Park, the Etowah Mounds, the river next to Thousand Hills coffee, a few places in the Atlanta Botanical Gardens, a few places on Red Top Mountain, and others to a lesser extent (Olde Rope Mill was one before they destroyed it, as was Dupree Park), and some I haven't discovered (but can feel that they're there). Farther away, there's this place in Anstruther Scotland where I bonded with this wildly overgrown bush that was more like a tree, Hannah's mum's garden in Belgium, the Angel Oak in Charleston, and Muir Woods (despite it being overrun with tourists even) and the Pfeiffer Big Sur State Park in CA, and these magnolias that were outside of the Botanical Gardens in DC when I was a kid. Those with old trees are automatic but there are others, little pockets of magic, found anywhere, like this one concrete retaining wall in Atlanta next to a parking lot with a few small trees and vines hanging down the wall in places, or the lot where Koronah built an altar and Kylei and I began to really build our connection, or the Marietta square (in which Kylei and I imbued and/or found a lot of magic), and I'm sure there are others that I can't readily bring to mind (not to anyone: if I've mentioned a sacred place to you and didn't write it here please remind me).

I enjoy sharing them, and usually prefer it to being alone there, because I like to be able to turn to someone and say, "do you feel/hear/see this?" and vice versa. But I only like sharing them with people who will be very intake-oriented, who will be there for the place, who will be very present and in-the-moment. And of course people who do not litter, break things, take things without asking, or take things that would damage the forest. I do like to talk, but I like it to be the kind of talking one might do in an art gallery, only occasional, thoughtful, and about what is being observed and felt. I also need them to expect that my attention is going to be 80-90% on the place and I will need to spend at least part of the time silent and will probably need to take pictures (that is a huge part of how I process important things); I had a terrible experience once with someone who expected otherwise so I've learned to communicate this beforehand! Occasionally I feel the need to reconnect with myself and then I might go to a sacred place alone, but it is the exception.

Places I wanna go (this is going in my sidebar and shall be continuously updated) NOT in order of desire:

( short trip: )
( day trip: )
( looong trip: )

Places I wanna go (this is going in my sidebar and shall be continuously updated) NOT in order of desire:

( short trip: )
( day trip: )
( looong trip: )

A much-belated photoshare from when justben and I last went to Big Trees (wow, it's been almost three months) -- winter had come early, but there was still beauty to be found ♥ I almost want to go again before spring to see if I can find anything to enchant me in the stark nakedness of full winter.




( 30+ photos )

A much-belated photoshare from when justben and I last went to Big Trees (wow, it's been almost three months) -- winter had come early, but there was still beauty to be found ♥ I almost want to go again before spring to see if I can find anything to enchant me in the stark nakedness of full winter.




( 30+ photos )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

So I had the worst Christmas of my life (crying almost all day in rage and pain over the ex) BUT there was an incredibly beautiful gift that helped me get through it ♥ Ash had the amazing idea of contacting quite a few of my friends and asking them to send images that ze could use to make ornaments for me. Ze and S gave me little hints for like a week, and then the day before Christmas Eve, S lugged a tree up the stairs and they decorated it with the printed-out images and awesome ornaments made by Nikki from recycled (♥!) Christmas cards and various lovely little bits. Ash hasn't forwarded the emails yet so I am not sure who all participated, but S gave me two little black cats (in honor of 'Nika, whom ze refers to as "devil cat"), Anna sent me three GORGEOUS glass angel ornaments, Shel made a DARLING little felt star, Kate sent in a photo of zirself standing in the snow holding a Merry Christmas sign (eeeee!!!!!), Kay sent in three photos of zirself (eye, hands-in-a-heart, and face with a little sign that said "James!"), Kelley sent a photo of zirself making a hands-in-a-heart sign, and I know that SabR, Angie, Jess, Jen, Deb, Celina, Karen, Gayle, Anika, and several others participated but I am not sure who sent what. When I get the emails I will probably post the images ;-) Also Celina and Jen and Anna sent me Christmas cards ♥ I was so so so so touched by the idea and by all the people who participated, thank you so so so much loves. I so needed that and I will treasure my little handmade (and hand-chosen) ornaments forever! ♥ Also S is going to take the tree to be made into mulch later which makes me happier, no waste ♥ You are all so wonderful and I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you, thank you so much ♥ *kisses*

Oh, and lil sis gave me an AMAZING delicate antique-looking metal pipe which has a decoration that looks like Cthulhu (to me) which I so totally intend to use, a glass leaf pendant (which I wear backwards to show off the swirly green), and pretty little paper scrolls. I love love love how those gifts are all so me! Oh, and the bioparents sent me some money so I bought myself Radiohead's "The Bends" and Dolores O'Riordan's "No Baggage" and Aqualung's "Strange and Beautiful" from the used CD store (pretty awesome finds, especially the new Dolores album!) :D

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

There's only one from the first day when we went wandering about a street festival in San Jose and I need to give it a little backstory. I've been looking for a serpent/cobra ring for at least two years. It had to look realistic (not stylized, no gemstone eyes) with a full body (not body in the front regular band in the back), scale patterning, and have an open mouth but no tongue sticking out. And it had to fit (no easy task as I have very thick fingers). My rings all have spiritual meaning to me; the ring I sought would represent my cobra spirit as well as Sia, the Egyptian Deity/concept of a flash of intuition which brings full understanding. So, after years of searching, I spotted a serpent earcuff with just the slightest hood (which is appropriate for the breed of cobra which I most resonate with) which is EXACTLY what I was looking for. I'd never considered an earcuff but it's so right that ze cling to my ear! Buying meaningful jewelry is really important to me -- I suppose in a way it's a sacrament, an outward expression of something sacred. And after finding and buying a piece, each time I put it on I remember its meaning and feel more connected to what it represents.

( me wearing the earcuff )

( through San Francisco, over the Golden Gate bridge and to Muir Woods )

There's only one from the first day when we went wandering about a street festival in San Jose and I need to give it a little backstory. I've been looking for a serpent/cobra ring for at least two years. It had to look realistic (not stylized, no gemstone eyes) with a full body (not body in the front regular band in the back), scale patterning, and have an open mouth but no tongue sticking out. And it had to fit (no easy task as I have very thick fingers). My rings all have spiritual meaning to me; the ring I sought would represent my cobra spirit as well as Sia, the Egyptian Deity/concept of a flash of intuition which brings full understanding. So, after years of searching, I spotted a serpent earcuff with just the slightest hood (which is appropriate for the breed of cobra which I most resonate with) which is EXACTLY what I was looking for. I'd never considered an earcuff but it's so right that ze cling to my ear! Buying meaningful jewelry is really important to me -- I suppose in a way it's a sacrament, an outward expression of something sacred. And after finding and buying a piece, each time I put it on I remember its meaning and feel more connected to what it represents.

( me wearing the earcuff )

( through San Francisco, over the Golden Gate bridge and to Muir Woods )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )

Photos from when my partner and I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve in early April -- which I just got 'round to editing. Planning on visiting again when the weather cools a little: it's supposed to be in the 90s (and feel like the 100s) until Tuesday. :-p



( photos!!! )

Photos from when my partner and I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve in early April -- which I just got 'round to editing. Planning on visiting again when the weather cools a little: it's supposed to be in the 90s (and feel like the 100s) until Tuesday. :-p



( photos!!! )

I just realized that as I've become more spiritually aware and connected to nature, I've become much more in tune with the sun and the weather. This past winter was the worst for me, SAD-wise, because of that... but this spring is introducing what promises to be the most uplifting summer I've had. Sunlight is a need for me, and when I first go outside for the day and the sun touches my skin, I'm flooded with the urge to revel in zir caresses. I stop, stretch my arms out, palms up, close my eyes and tilt my face to the sun (much like in my icon), and feel blessed in a way that I used to only feel when dancing in worship at church. You know how sometimes you see something so beautiful you stop in your tracks? When the sun touches me I feel the same overwhelming awe, and it is almost instinct for me to open my arms to the sun. Even when I'm in a hurry I do it. I feel like I am awakening more to my plant nature -- I almost feel like a walking tree (or a plant sim *giggles*). Sunlight nourishes me.

( I need more light in my living space )

I just realized that as I've become more spiritually aware and connected to nature, I've become much more in tune with the sun and the weather. This past winter was the worst for me, SAD-wise, because of that... but this spring is introducing what promises to be the most uplifting summer I've had. Sunlight is a need for me, and when I first go outside for the day and the sun touches my skin, I'm flooded with the urge to revel in zir caresses. I stop, stretch my arms out, palms up, close my eyes and tilt my face to the sun (much like in my icon), and feel blessed in a way that I used to only feel when dancing in worship at church. You know how sometimes you see something so beautiful you stop in your tracks? When the sun touches me I feel the same overwhelming awe, and it is almost instinct for me to open my arms to the sun. Even when I'm in a hurry I do it. I feel like I am awakening more to my plant nature -- I almost feel like a walking tree (or a plant sim *giggles*). Sunlight nourishes me.

( I need more light in my living space )

We went to Atlanta with the intention of seeing the Tutankhamun exhibit which elya kindly got tickets for as a belated birthday present to me, but we got COMPLETELY LOST because I got directions to the High Museum (where it was last time) and not the Civic Center, so we parked at the High and started walking... 30 minutes later we looked at a map and realized we were only halfway there, and the ticket is only good for a certain entry time. I was very upset, cursing and on the edge of tears because Egypt is of great spiritual significance to me and this would be the SECOND time I had missed my chance to connect with it here. My partner comforted me by promising that we'd get tickets and go before the exhibit ends in May (this is a big sacrifice because ze hates going to Atlanta and the tickets are expensive). So as not to waste the day, we went to the Botanical Gardens by following the signs I'd spotted on our walk (surprisingly easy! we actually didn't get lost!).



( on the way down, walking through Atlanta, and exploring the gardens )

( in the conifer garden I met the most amazing tree... )

We went to Atlanta with the intention of seeing the Tutankhamun exhibit which elya kindly got tickets for as a belated birthday present to me, but we got COMPLETELY LOST because I got directions to the High Museum (where it was last time) and not the Civic Center, so we parked at the High and started walking... 30 minutes later we looked at a map and realized we were only halfway there, and the ticket is only good for a certain entry time. I was very upset, cursing and on the edge of tears because Egypt is of great spiritual significance to me and this would be the SECOND time I had missed my chance to connect with it here. My partner comforted me by promising that we'd get tickets and go before the exhibit ends in May (this is a big sacrifice because ze hates going to Atlanta and the tickets are expensive). So as not to waste the day, we went to the Botanical Gardens by following the signs I'd spotted on our walk (surprisingly easy! we actually didn't get lost!).



( on the way down, walking through Atlanta, and exploring the gardens )

( in the conifer garden I met the most amazing tree... )

We went to Atlanta with the intention of seeing the Tutankhamun exhibit which elya kindly got tickets for as a belated birthday present to me, but we got COMPLETELY LOST because I got directions to the High Museum (where it was last time) and not the Civic Center, so we parked at the High and started walking... 30 minutes later we looked at a map and realized we were only halfway there, and the ticket is only good for a certain entry time. I was very upset, cursing and on the edge of tears because Egypt is of great spiritual significance to me and this would be the SECOND time I had missed my chance to connect with it here. My partner comforted me by promising that we'd get tickets and go before the exhibit ends in May (this is a big sacrifice because ze hates going to Atlanta and the tickets are expensive). So as not to waste the day, we went to the Botanical Gardens by following the signs I'd spotted on our walk (surprisingly easy! we actually didn't get lost!).



( on the way down, walking through Atlanta, and exploring the gardens )

( in the conifer garden I met the most amazing tree... )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

Until I was 8 years old, my parents had a huge vegetable garden. Not one of those puny 6-foot-square ones, but one that was about 3/4ths the length of our doublewide trailer, and just as wide. We had corn, green beans, all kinds of peppers, okra, tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, and more (I can't remember it all). I'm not really sure how my parents (mostly Pat -- M did the tilling and Pat did most everything else) managed to make it all grow in red clay (without using compost!!!), but they did. I loved walking among the rows, especially when the corn was tall enough to give shade (I lived about three hours south of where I do now -- 10 degrees hotter, most days). I found it absolutely magical that you could put seeds in the dirt and get food! And Pat made the most amazing pickles (both dill and bread-n-butter, mmm) and pepper sauce from them.

Later we moved away from deep country to the suburbs and my parents became more concerned with making the front yard look 'pretty' than with growing food. M would till, and I would be assigned tasks like picking rocks out of the tilled soil, hauling dirt, and digging holes, while Pat did all the designing and plant-choosing. I started hating 'working in the yard' as they called it; I was not allowed to design or participate in any fun tasks like planting, just the dull drudge work. And for my efforts I got to look at flowers (which have never been important to me anyway, and Pat chose ones that were orange and pink, two colors I dislike). So I associated gardening with useless, unrewarding drudgery.

Last year, on a whim, I ordered a black willow tree baby off of ebay. Seeing a skinny little stick worried me at first -- I thought it was dead. Watching it tentatively put out its first leaves was a revelation; it reminded me of how plant care could be. Here was magic. Seeing little changes every day was so THRILLING to me! I can imagine that if I had a garden I would get the most intense joy out of caring for plants and having them reward me with yummy peppers and tomatoes! Taking the little explosion-of-life-energy that is a seed and placing it in the ground is surely a holy act. ♥ And communing with each nascent plant... oh *shivers* how much of a blessing it must be!

( plans, worries )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.