If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

( all of the people! it's pretty long )

These are the characters in the story of my life:
( from 2009 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka aerialmelodies
Sara aka theindiequeen
Kristen aka gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.

( most mentioned: )

( localtribe: )

( people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )

( people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )

( I was considering not posting this, and then I read today's Note from the Universe... )

The other day I wrote that "I feel like I do too much listening and I have forgotten how to speak. I feel lost, mute." I've been reflecting on that... I think it's a pattern that has several causes.

First, I'm quite simply very good at listening. I'm not sure how I developed this skill -- maybe by working really hard to get my partner to talk? -- but when I listen, I do so in a very active way. I pay close attention, take in everything I can, reshape it to fit in my mind, ask questions to make sure I've understood and to prod for deeper sharing, and express any thoughts that the other person's words might spark. Because I am skilled at this, it's really easy for me to sort of slip into the role of listener. (and yes I am aware that I am not being modest at all and am maybe being arrogant, but I'm pretty sure that it's just plain true)

Also, my life doesn't have a great deal of variety or stress, so I don't feel a lot of urge to share things that have happened to me during the day. Most people I talk with do experience a lot of variety and stress, so they simply have more immediate things to talk about, which is fine of course, but it becomes habit. Then when I DO have an eventful or emotional day, I tend not to talk about it because the subject is already the other person's life, and because they aren't showing interest I feel like they don't care. Which is irrational, because how are they to know that this day is different? But I feel that way anyway. And then when I do share it comes out like a volcano because I haven't had that kind of outlet in so long. And then I get disappointed if I share and they don't listen to me the way I listen to them. But instead of confronting this by saying, "look, I need you to really think about what I am saying and respond with questions and thoughts, not just a nod or 'uh-huh.' I need to be shown that what I am saying is important and interesting to you; I need to feel that you are engaged with me like a dance partner, not watching me like an audience." (which is pretty hard when I'm not pausing for breath...) I just react immaturely with a "they don't care, why am I wasting my time and emotion sharing?" and I become less likely to share next time. Which is really unfair, because I wasn't born with this skill! and how can they even have a chance of learning if no one points out that there is a way they could improve?

If it's not active listening I feel like my sharing is just feeding a void... which is part of the reason I like to write. That way, at least I can 'listen' to myself, and I think people find it easier to do active listening when they can take their time and think about it. And I don't have to know if they're uninterested, and they're less likely to fake being interested because there isn't the worry of seeming 'rude.'

This has been a pattern for years but it has gotten especially bad lately... ( ... )

open, close; fish mouth
is any sound coming out?
are your ears for me?

...Far Far by Yael Naïm...
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

take a deep breath and dive -- there's a beautiful mess inside

( I was considering not posting this, and then I read today's Note from the Universe... )

The other day I wrote that "I feel like I do too much listening and I have forgotten how to speak. I feel lost, mute." I've been reflecting on that... I think it's a pattern that has several causes.

First, I'm quite simply very good at listening. I'm not sure how I developed this skill -- maybe by working really hard to get my partner to talk? -- but when I listen, I do so in a very active way. I pay close attention, take in everything I can, reshape it to fit in my mind, ask questions to make sure I've understood and to prod for deeper sharing, and express any thoughts that the other person's words might spark. Because I am skilled at this, it's really easy for me to sort of slip into the role of listener. (and yes I am aware that I am not being modest at all and am maybe being arrogant, but I'm pretty sure that it's just plain true)

Also, my life doesn't have a great deal of variety or stress, so I don't feel a lot of urge to share things that have happened to me during the day. Most people I talk with do experience a lot of variety and stress, so they simply have more immediate things to talk about, which is fine of course, but it becomes habit. Then when I DO have an eventful or emotional day, I tend not to talk about it because the subject is already the other person's life, and because they aren't showing interest I feel like they don't care. Which is irrational, because how are they to know that this day is different? But I feel that way anyway. And then when I do share it comes out like a volcano because I haven't had that kind of outlet in so long. And then I get disappointed if I share and they don't listen to me the way I listen to them. But instead of confronting this by saying, "look, I need you to really think about what I am saying and respond with questions and thoughts, not just a nod or 'uh-huh.' I need to be shown that what I am saying is important and interesting to you; I need to feel that you are engaged with me like a dance partner, not watching me like an audience." (which is pretty hard when I'm not pausing for breath...) I just react immaturely with a "they don't care, why am I wasting my time and emotion sharing?" and I become less likely to share next time. Which is really unfair, because I wasn't born with this skill! and how can they even have a chance of learning if no one points out that there is a way they could improve?

If it's not active listening I feel like my sharing is just feeding a void... which is part of the reason I like to write. That way, at least I can 'listen' to myself, and I think people find it easier to do active listening when they can take their time and think about it. And I don't have to know if they're uninterested, and they're less likely to fake being interested because there isn't the worry of seeming 'rude.'

This has been a pattern for years but it has gotten especially bad lately... ( ... )

open, close; fish mouth
is any sound coming out?
are your ears for me?

...Far Far by Yael Naïm...
everyday she writes words and more words
just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside

take a deep breath and dive -- there's a beautiful mess inside

These are the characters in the story of my life:

( from 2008 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

(NEEDS UPDATING)

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

wow. I got WAY behind in my commenting lately. I finally got caught up with most of it today, except for the screened-comment posts. Those comments mean SO MUCH to me, so I really hope you don't feel ignored by me not commenting back -- there's just so much emotion there I am not sure I'll be able to. But every comment meant a lot to me ♥ thank you. You give me strength when I need it most. I'm really amazed at the amount of love and understanding you've given. *hugs kisses cuddles*

I feel like I've pushed past a block; I've actually been communicating! with responding to comments and IMing. (I still have a bunch of emails to respond too though, I don't know what it is about email but I always procrastinate!) SabR emailed me last week ♥ and then talked with me, and a few days ago I talked with Kazi for the first time in a long time. There's still a lot of distance there, but communication is open again which is really wonderful. And then today I had the serendipity to check my email at the exact moment that Meliae was on, and we chatted for a while, a strange combination of text chat and soundless video (because I couldn't find my mic). That was really sweet ♥ no one has ever been able to read me like she does! It takes me aback every time (and makes me wonder if that is how other people feel when I read them). I hate that she lives an ocean away, but I'm glad we're back in contact.

Lately I was thinking about all the LJ friends I've dreamed of:

( friends who've showed up in my dreams! )

If you've ever dreamed of me, tell me about it here! :D

wow. I got WAY behind in my commenting lately. I finally got caught up with most of it today, except for the screened-comment posts. Those comments mean SO MUCH to me, so I really hope you don't feel ignored by me not commenting back -- there's just so much emotion there I am not sure I'll be able to. But every comment meant a lot to me ♥ thank you. You give me strength when I need it most. I'm really amazed at the amount of love and understanding you've given. *hugs kisses cuddles*

I feel like I've pushed past a block; I've actually been communicating! with responding to comments and IMing. (I still have a bunch of emails to respond too though, I don't know what it is about email but I always procrastinate!) SabR emailed me last week ♥ and then talked with me, and a few days ago I talked with Kazi for the first time in a long time. There's still a lot of distance there, but communication is open again which is really wonderful. And then today I had the serendipity to check my email at the exact moment that Meliae was on, and we chatted for a while, a strange combination of text chat and soundless video (because I couldn't find my mic). That was really sweet ♥ no one has ever been able to read me like she does! It takes me aback every time (and makes me wonder if that is how other people feel when I read them). I hate that she lives an ocean away, but I'm glad we're back in contact.

Lately I was thinking about all the LJ friends I've dreamed of:

( friends who've showed up in my dreams! )

If you've ever dreamed of me, tell me about it here! :D

wow. I got WAY behind in my commenting lately. I finally got caught up with most of it today, except for the screened-comment posts. Those comments mean SO MUCH to me, so I really hope you don't feel ignored by me not commenting back -- there's just so much emotion there I am not sure I'll be able to. But every comment meant a lot to me ♥ thank you. You give me strength when I need it most. I'm really amazed at the amount of love and understanding you've given. *hugs kisses cuddles*

I feel like I've pushed past a block; I've actually been communicating! with responding to comments and IMing. (I still have a bunch of emails to respond too though, I don't know what it is about email but I always procrastinate!) SabR emailed me last week ♥ and then talked with me, and a few days ago I talked with Kazi for the first time in a long time. There's still a lot of distance there, but communication is open again which is really wonderful. And then today I had the serendipity to check my email at the exact moment that Meliae was on, and we chatted for a while, a strange combination of text chat and soundless video (because I couldn't find my mic). That was really sweet ♥ no one has ever been able to read me like she does! It takes me aback every time (and makes me wonder if that is how other people feel when I read them). I hate that she lives an ocean away, but I'm glad we're back in contact.

Lately I was thinking about all the LJ friends I've dreamed of:

( friends who've showed up in my dreams! )

If you've ever dreamed of me, tell me about it here! :D

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I've just looked over my journal and my last really personal verbal post was over a month ago. I like posting rants and photos and etc. but I don't feel like I am really journaling unless I have some personal words in there. I'm sick of being blocked! So here goes, this'll probably be all over the place.

Hannah and I are in a limbo-place in our relationship right now. Over the visit we did a lot of talking and realized that our relationship had gone rusty from lack of communication, and it was no longer a soulfriendship, though it was still a deep friendship. We discussed whether or not to try to build back up to a soulfriendship, but didn't come to any real conclusion. Since then we've exchanged some emails, but they've been sparse and inconclusive. Right now I don't know what is going to happen at all -- it could be that we reconnect and build something even more beautiful than before, and it could be that the relationship is over, or that we go to a casual friendship. Neither of us is angry (I don't think) but there is a lot of hurt... I want to discuss my feelings more in depth but I want to hear back from her first. I feel like I'm in a vacuum emotionally on this, because I don't have happiness with her, but I can't mourn either because it may not be over. If it is... I don't even know what will happen inside me.

I think I may have lost touch with Meliae, which is really horrible. I hadn't posted much about her, just a mention here and there, but she was really important to me. She understood me in ways no one else ever has, taught me so much and opened my mind so much, so gently. I only met her this year, and we didn't have much time to get to know each other -- she had four huge research papers to write the first few months I knew her, and then she was moving, going on a cross-country trip, and preparing to go to school in Spain the next semester -- but the bits of time that we did have were just amazing. Then she visited the states, we talked once on the phone and discussed meeting up while she was here, and then I lost touch, almost 2 months ago. With all the moving and changing numbers/addresses, I have no idea how to get in contact with her. And I feel sad about that, but I'm kinda in an emotional vacuum on that too because there's no 'end.'

And SabR and Kazi... I'm afraid to contact them, afraid to NOT contact them, so I end up trying to avoid thinking about it, not knowing whether or not it's okay for me to comment on their posts, not wanting to talk in real time because I'm afraid they'll be angry at me. I'm such a fucking wimp when I feel like I've wronged someone. SabR said she wanted to get in contact, so I told them my availability and asked for theirs, now my fear will just have to shut up.

I've been off of g-talk for months now, first for Hannah's visit and then because I had so much in me that I was afraid to let out. I have missed talking to Kenzy -- she and I used to talk all the time. And I miss Kat, but not as much because we stay in contact other ways. ♥ Thank God/dess for Kat and Nea, who've kept on reaching out to seemingly-ungrateful, unresponsive me. *deep sigh* I can't even express how much your concern and love has meant. *lovelove* And many thanks to the others of you who have kept me connected with the world with your beautiful inspiring posts.

And thank God/dess for my beautiful partner, who becomes more expressive and open and honest with every single day. Who always wants to be there for me, even if sometimes he just can't. God/dess, he's incredible. He's growing so much, all the time. When he first started on this path a few months ago, I didn't think it would last, but now I believe in him. ♥

Right now I'm in such a dark place -- not continuously, but overall. I keep going to sleep just to escape, very little holds my interest. I just want to be distracted. and yet! at the same time, I feel this is a time of learning for me. Not growth, but learning in preparation for growth. I'm learning mostly from you beautiful people, and I'm also learning more of myself. A beautiful part of me is finally blossoming, despite the darkness. Maybe it's a nightbloom...

I feel like strong change is coming, and oh, do I welcome it. I need it.

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

I have so much to say... Meliae called me Wednesday and I must have talked nonstop for at least half an hour just summarizing all that has gone on! To uncork the bottle:

- my camera broke! :-( Halfway through the visit, it stopped going into shooting mode, and I left it alone for a while before replacing the batteries (it did that before on low battery), and when I finally put new batteries in it still didn't work. I've been without a camera for like three weeks now and it's really depressing. :-( For a long while now I've been carrying it everywhere, it's become a big part of my life and now it's gone... It's 3.5 years old, so it was its time I guess, but that doesn't make me feel better. Rest in peace, Spyder.
- Hannah's visit was by turns beautiful, horrible, exciting, dull, healing, & painful. She left early for several reasons, mainly because we just didn't have the energy to balance against each other for another 2 weeks. The visit was really draining, but really important, and very necessary. I have a loooooot to write about that, don't want to get started right now.
- Meeting Nick was awesome! I want to make a post about it so I'll save details for later.
- my partner and I have been working on our relationship, with huge steps forward... also deserves a post of its own!
- My parents have invited my partner and I to go on vacation with them and lil sis at the end of August and we've accepted. o.0
- I'm worried that I'm being frozen out by some friends who are really important to me, and I've been too wimpy so far to confront the issue.
- I'm sooooo disappointed that Meliae can only visit for 3 days. I had it in my head that she was going to stay a week (don't assume, Bel!) and now I'm sad... but still very happy that I get to meet her soon.
- Last Saturday I went to church for the first time in over a year! It was fantastic and I've been looking for churches to try. I went looking for GLBT inclusive ones and they all seemed too conservative -- wtf? it was like they thought they had to make up for their 'progressiveness' by having bland (to my taste) worship, wearing fancy clothes and having traditional-style preaching. But I found a few that seemed interesting enough to try.
- I spent ages today catching up on approving members to the curvygirls comm! finally caught up. I've been such a bad mod for the past month.

Hopefully I will be getting back into LJ f'real now. I didn't have time to do more than skim during the visit, so please give me links to any recent posts of yours that you think I'd find especially interesting or that you want my input on!

( vid of me blathering! )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

( vid of me blathering! )

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥

It's been a very strange two weeks... I feel like I am holding my breath all the time, which is why I haven't been posting. Waiting waiting waiting to hear on my partner's promotion -- EVERYTHING hangs on that, it feels impossible to live when you have amazing new life in one hand and possible homelessness and starvation in the other. Yeah, yeah, maybe that's a little melodramatic, but we don't have any sort of safety net, so that is not an irrational fear. But I am believing that we ARE getting it and everything is going to be wonderful and happy and filling-in-all-the-spaces. (pray pray pray please!)

Week before last I spend tons of time talking to Hannah, which was amazing and wonderful because she has fresh energy for the first time in a long while, and it was so incredible to be able to re-connect in such a warm loving way. And it was especially lovely because it was the anniversary of our soulfriendship; we spent so much time rejoicing over this amazing thing we've created, how it has changed our lives and brought us sooo much joy. And planning all sorts of beautiful things for the next time we are together, sharing art we've created... just taking intense delight in each other. She is so very incredible ♥

And then this past week! I've talked to Meliae so much! she called me and we talked on the phone for the first time Wednesday morning (3am on the 21st, so it was still Tuesday to me) and we talked for EIGHT HOURS (2 on phone, 6 on gtalk (voice))!!! If you can have an 8 hour conversation with someone and STILL not want to stop talking, you know that you have a real connection; I think the only other person I've ever spoken with for that long of a stretch is Hannah. And since then we've talked a bunch of times: about education, feminism, the way previous wounds affect how you live, soulfriendship, other friendships, romantic relationships, sex, spirituality, our life stories (brief versions, heh), just EVERYTHING. And it's got my mind spinning in all kinds of new directions, I love it! :D I'm very excited! and also a little uncertain because I am used to being the one that 'discovers' this incredible person and totally falls in love and pursues them until they fall in love back, but this time she found me and sought me out! It's awesome but just so totally novel to me, to not be the instigator in a relationship that I am enthused about, so I'm still kinda trying to get my bearings. I think when I instigate a relationship, I pour a lot of energy in right away, so it makes sense to me that they love me back. But with Meliae, I hadn't given anything, so why would she want to be friends with me? Meliae says that she got a very clear sense of me from my journal and my photos, and I believe her because I felt a jolt of spirit-recognition when I first saw a photo of her, and couldn't stop giggling at how happy seeing her smile made me. And if I felt it, then she must have felt it too. hmmm. I think maybe I feel like she knows me better than I know her, somehow, and that weirds me out. Despite the fact that TONS of people know me better than I know them! I don't know why I feel odd about it, it's definitely illogical. Maybe I feel like because she instigated it, she has the power to end it, and I feel out of my depth because I don't know her desires like I would know my own. hmmmm. I don't like that idea but it seems correct. poooo, I don't like finding out that I didn't fully kill an insecurity. (Still, I'm way more secure than I was before because it's only a mild off-kilter feeling, not screaming crying fear. yay for growth!)

My relationship with my partner has been tempestuous lately -- we're both stressed so we keep overreacting to things, having a big fight, and then when we've fought all the pettiness out, realizing that it wasn't even a big deal. But at the same time we're still growing more open and intimate with each other... a product of my partner striving to be more expressive, I think. He's growing by leaps and bounds. *love*

and 'Kenzy and I have been talking a lot too! She's amazing, so creative, and growing so fast! I feel humbled by her wisdom sometimes.

HOW THE HELL DO I HAVE SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN MY LIFE???? At this rate I'm going to start having awesome people stop me in the store and strike up a friendship just like that. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it! The only explanation is the hands of God/dess. Thank you ♥ for bringing them into my life, and all you wonderful people, thank you for being you ♥

On my birthday, my partner took me to the used book store and I got awesome new music, and then SabR and Kazi showed up at the house (I was sooooooo happy because Kazi wasn't feeling well and I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to come but she did!) and after they tortured my poor horny cat for a bit we went out to the mall (blech!) to try to find a snow leopard poster (because I wanted to get one as a birthday present to myself) but had no luck. So we went back home, picked up my partner, and went to O'Charlie's (I had never been). SabR and Kazi love the cheese potato soup there -- they said it was the perfect 'dog slobber' consistency, which made me glad I didn't order it! (but eventually they got me to try it and it was pretty yum) Then we headed over to my partner's parents' house for desert -- they made spice cake for me! :D after yum desert and coffee we got into SabR's car (Vince) and headed out on the 2 hour drive to her house... ending in an insane race down a windy dirt road. >:-[ I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' bar, heh. When we finally got there we checked our respective LJs (HA! I LOVE having friends who understand the appeal of LJ!) and piled into SabR's full-size bed (three adults and a dog!) We cruised youtube for a bit (while I stroked Kazi's hair) before going to sleep. Apparently I banged into the wall all night, but I felt fine!

Next morning SabR scorched me a bagel (and then made a non-burned one) and we went out to this awesome little coffeeshop that sold used books and paintings by a local artist (which were awesome and I am kicking myself for not having my camera!), then headed to her grandparents' ranch. We got stopped by an evil santa who snarled at us for not seeing the sign that he had propped on the wrong side of the road, and debated whether or not to just drive on and make him jump out of the way... but we were good and settled for tearing out when he turned the sign around to 'slow.' Then I got to meet the horses! Jiddan, Hawk, Shetan, and Scarlette. It had been years since I'd been around horses and I was just in awe -- they are such incredible animals. So powerful and so gentle. Scarlette especially -- I just wanted to sit with her for hours and pet her and meditate.

Then John (Kazi's boyfriend) arrived and we all went out for lunch at their favorite mexican restaurant, but afterward Kazi felt really sick and left with John to go home :-( So SabR and I went back to the ranch and she saddled up Hawk for me and put a bareback pad on Shetan for her (so freaking cool, I want to be good enough to be comfortable without a saddle!) and we went riding! I think the last time I had been was about 10 years ago -- holy crap, I'm old! I can say 'it's been a decade since I did such-n-such' :-o anyway, I was very very nervous and rusty, so we just walked the horses and talked... there is nothing like riding a horse. NOTHING can compare, it's so free, so wild! (yes, even walking, heh) I wish I could do it more often... hm, maybe I should look into getting lessons again.

Then SabR drove me all those miles home, and hung out at the house for a bit before making the long drive back. She's so freaking generous, doing all that driving (and she refused to let me help pay for gas, but next time I will for sure). I so loved spending so much time with her and Kazi ♥ Thanks so much for spending time with me on my birthday, girls!

I didn't take any photos on my actual birthday, but I have these from a few weeks ago when Kazi & SabR & Brad came over, so I will share them now!


Kazi & SabR ♥ Bel!

( many photos, much movement-blurriness (which I like! I only dislike unfocused blur, movement blur shows life) )

Thank you to Kate, first person to tell me happy birthday! I loved the text message, it made me feel so special. Thank you to Kimberley, for the Christmas/birthday present of chai tea and awesome book! I have already had a few cups ;-) And thank you to Hannah-love for trying to call me, sorry it didn't work but hey, I'm one of those people that honestly believes it is the thought that counts. And thank you to Brian for calling to wish me happy birthday, that made me absolutely beam. And thank you to firekat for calling in a tizzy over getting the date wrong, hee hee, and I am very happy to be able to anticipate your present! yay mail! And thank you to Kate and Hannah also, I sooooo can't wait for your packages to arrive. And thanks to Meliae and Sidhe and Kevloid and Aulii for the birthday messages!!! I grinned sooooo much reading them! *blows kisses to all of you* ((if you did something and I didn't mention it, please comment and tell me because I don't want to stay forgetting it!))

On my birthday, my partner took me to the used book store and I got awesome new music, and then SabR and Kazi showed up at the house (I was sooooooo happy because Kazi wasn't feeling well and I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to come but she did!) and after they tortured my poor horny cat for a bit we went out to the mall (blech!) to try to find a snow leopard poster (because I wanted to get one as a birthday present to myself) but had no luck. So we went back home, picked up my partner, and went to O'Charlie's (I had never been). SabR and Kazi love the cheese potato soup there -- they said it was the perfect 'dog slobber' consistency, which made me glad I didn't order it! (but eventually they got me to try it and it was pretty yum) Then we headed over to my partner's parents' house for desert -- they made spice cake for me! :D after yum desert and coffee we got into SabR's car (Vince) and headed out on the 2 hour drive to her house... ending in an insane race down a windy dirt road. >:-[ I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' bar, heh. When we finally got there we checked our respective LJs (HA! I LOVE having friends who understand the appeal of LJ!) and piled into SabR's full-size bed (three adults and a dog!) We cruised youtube for a bit (while I stroked Kazi's hair) before going to sleep. Apparently I banged into the wall all night, but I felt fine!

Next morning SabR scorched me a bagel (and then made a non-burned one) and we went out to this awesome little coffeeshop that sold used books and paintings by a local artist (which were awesome and I am kicking myself for not having my camera!), then headed to her grandparents' ranch. We got stopped by an evil santa who snarled at us for not seeing the sign that he had propped on the wrong side of the road, and debated whether or not to just drive on and make him jump out of the way... but we were good and settled for tearing out when he turned the sign around to 'slow.' Then I got to meet the horses! Jiddan, Hawk, Shetan, and Scarlette. It had been years since I'd been around horses and I was just in awe -- they are such incredible animals. So powerful and so gentle. Scarlette especially -- I just wanted to sit with her for hours and pet her and meditate.

Then John (Kazi's boyfriend) arrived and we all went out for lunch at their favorite mexican restaurant, but afterward Kazi felt really sick and left with John to go home :-( So SabR and I went back to the ranch and she saddled up Hawk for me and put a bareback pad on Shetan for her (so freaking cool, I want to be good enough to be comfortable without a saddle!) and we went riding! I think the last time I had been was about 10 years ago -- holy crap, I'm old! I can say 'it's been a decade since I did such-n-such' :-o anyway, I was very very nervous and rusty, so we just walked the horses and talked... there is nothing like riding a horse. NOTHING can compare, it's so free, so wild! (yes, even walking, heh) I wish I could do it more often... hm, maybe I should look into getting lessons again.

Then SabR drove me all those miles home, and hung out at the house for a bit before making the long drive back. She's so freaking generous, doing all that driving (and she refused to let me help pay for gas, but next time I will for sure). I so loved spending so much time with her and Kazi ♥ Thanks so much for spending time with me on my birthday, girls!

I didn't take any photos on my actual birthday, but I have these from a few weeks ago when Kazi & SabR & Brad came over, so I will share them now!


Kazi & SabR ♥ Bel!

( many photos, much movement-blurriness (which I like! I only dislike unfocused blur, movement blur shows life) )

Thank you to Kate, first person to tell me happy birthday! I loved the text message, it made me feel so special. Thank you to Kimberley, for the Christmas/birthday present of chai tea and awesome book! I have already had a few cups ;-) And thank you to Hannah-love for trying to call me, sorry it didn't work but hey, I'm one of those people that honestly believes it is the thought that counts. And thank you to Brian for calling to wish me happy birthday, that made me absolutely beam. And thank you to firekat for calling in a tizzy over getting the date wrong, hee hee, and I am very happy to be able to anticipate your present! yay mail! And thank you to Kate and Hannah also, I sooooo can't wait for your packages to arrive. And thanks to Meliae and Sidhe and Kevloid and Aulii for the birthday messages!!! I grinned sooooo much reading them! *blows kisses to all of you* ((if you did something and I didn't mention it, please comment and tell me because I don't want to stay forgetting it!))

On my birthday, my partner took me to the used book store and I got awesome new music, and then SabR and Kazi showed up at the house (I was sooooooo happy because Kazi wasn't feeling well and I was afraid she wasn't going to be able to come but she did!) and after they tortured my poor horny cat for a bit we went out to the mall (blech!) to try to find a snow leopard poster (because I wanted to get one as a birthday present to myself) but had no luck. So we went back home, picked up my partner, and went to O'Charlie's (I had never been). SabR and Kazi love the cheese potato soup there -- they said it was the perfect 'dog slobber' consistency, which made me glad I didn't order it! (but eventually they got me to try it and it was pretty yum) Then we headed over to my partner's parents' house for desert -- they made spice cake for me! :D after yum desert and coffee we got into SabR's car (Vince) and headed out on the 2 hour drive to her house... ending in an insane race down a windy dirt road. >:-[ I was hanging on to the 'oh shit' bar, heh. When we finally got there we checked our respective LJs (HA! I LOVE having friends who understand the appeal of LJ!) and piled into SabR's full-size bed (three adults and a dog!) We cruised youtube for a bit (while I stroked Kazi's hair) before going to sleep. Apparently I banged into the wall all night, but I felt fine!

Next morning SabR scorched me a bagel (and then made a non-burned one) and we went out to this awesome little coffeeshop that sold used books and paintings by a local artist (which were awesome and I am kicking myself for not having my camera!), then headed to her grandparents' ranch. We got stopped by an evil santa who snarled at us for not seeing the sign that he had propped on the wrong side of the road, and debated whether or not to just drive on and make him jump out of the way... but we were good and settled for tearing out when he turned the sign around to 'slow.' Then I got to meet the horses! Jiddan, Hawk, Shetan, and Scarlette. It had been years since I'd been around horses and I was just in awe -- they are such incredible animals. So powerful and so gentle. Scarlette especially -- I just wanted to sit with her for hours and pet her and meditate.

Then John (Kazi's boyfriend) arrived and we all went out for lunch at their favorite mexican restaurant, but afterward Kazi felt really sick and left with John to go home :-( So SabR and I went back to the ranch and she saddled up Hawk for me and put a bareback pad on Shetan for her (so freaking cool, I want to be good enough to be comfortable without a saddle!) and we went riding! I think the last time I had been was about 10 years ago -- holy crap, I'm old! I can say 'it's been a decade since I did such-n-such' :-o anyway, I was very very nervous and rusty, so we just walked the horses and talked... there is nothing like riding a horse. NOTHING can compare, it's so free, so wild! (yes, even walking, heh) I wish I could do it more often... hm, maybe I should look into getting lessons again.

Then SabR drove me all those miles home, and hung out at the house for a bit before making the long drive back. She's so freaking generous, doing all that driving (and she refused to let me help pay for gas, but next time I will for sure). I so loved spending so much time with her and Kazi ♥ Thanks so much for spending time with me on my birthday, girls!

I didn't take any photos on my actual birthday, but I have these from a few weeks ago when Kazi & SabR & Brad came over, so I will share them now!


Kazi & SabR ♥ Bel!

( many photos, much movement-blurriness (which I like! I only dislike unfocused blur, movement blur shows life) )

Thank you to Kate, first person to tell me happy birthday! I loved the text message, it made me feel so special. Thank you to Kimberley, for the Christmas/birthday present of chai tea and awesome book! I have already had a few cups ;-) And thank you to Hannah-love for trying to call me, sorry it didn't work but hey, I'm one of those people that honestly believes it is the thought that counts. And thank you to Brian for calling to wish me happy birthday, that made me absolutely beam. And thank you to firekat for calling in a tizzy over getting the date wrong, hee hee, and I am very happy to be able to anticipate your present! yay mail! And thank you to Kate and Hannah also, I sooooo can't wait for your packages to arrive. And thanks to Meliae and Sidhe and Kevloid and Aulii for the birthday messages!!! I grinned sooooo much reading them! *blows kisses to all of you* ((if you did something and I didn't mention it, please comment and tell me because I don't want to stay forgetting it!))