A myth about demisexual people that I wish would go away:
"Demisexual people don't like sex as much, or don't want it often."

I enjoy sex very much and sometimes I want it very often. Not wanting sex often or not enjoying it much is called low sex drive, and demisexual people can experience this just like allosexual people can experience it. But it is not a part of being demisexual, because being demisexual is about how sexual attraction or desire is created, not about intensity or frequency.

Sexual desire for me does not come from being attracted aesthetically (looks) or mentally (personality, interests). For me, sexual desire is created via conscious choice. I only have sexual desire for someone if I decide to: it's like a switch that I flip in my brain.

There are a number of factors that go into whether or not I flip that switch, but the key one is knowing that they are sexually interested in me. And when I say knowing, I don't mean guessing -- I mean they explicitly told me. This can make it complicated when the other person also needs an explicit statement, but I can know that I want to *try* it and then we can figure out if we want to do more.

Since most people are not explicit about being sexually interested in me unless we are intimate, I have very rarely had sex with people I wasn't emotionally intimate with. But on the occasions I did, I enjoyed it then too, and I'd like to do it again.

my sex drive

When I have a partner whom I have a sexual dynamic with and feel nourished by (and I don't have a depressive crisis going on), my sex drive is above average. I think about having sex with my partner at least once every day that I spend time with them.

If they are a strong initiator, I will probably have sex or sexy time (which is what I call sex that is brief or non-intense) with them more days than not. If they are not an initiator, sex will happen less often because it is work for me to initiate and I don't always have the energy. I also don't initiate generally if the other person seems to feel tired or ill. But it is rare for me to have a day when I wouldn't want any sexual interaction at all with someone who I am in love with and have a sexual dynamic with.

the enjoyment that I get out of sex

When I am having sex with an intimate partner, the most satisfying part for me is feeling emotionally connected. I have had an orgasm from someone putting their hand on the center of my chest and both of us focusing on that, with no other touch. THAT only happened once but many times I have had orgasms from giving my partner pleasure, without being touched myself. My emotional state is more tied in to my sexual pleasure than any physical stimulation.

I feel deeply emotionally satisfied from giving sexual and/or intimate emotional pleasure to someone I'm in love with. I enjoy this more than receiving, usually. I can easily spend hours on end focused on giving pleasure to my partner, and I crave this far more often than I crave receptive sex.

For sex with people whom I am not in love with, it would only be worth it if the sex was of a style that I haven't had or have rarely had, but want. I am insatiably curious and I love intimacy and am good at creating it, so I think it is likely I could enjoy new experiences with people even if I was not emotionally intimate with them already.

do you consider your own sexuality fluid? If so, how has it changed over time? Regardless, how did you come to discover and embrace your sexual identity(ies)?

I think my sexuality has always been the same, but my experience and understanding of it has evolved. When I was a teenager, I was so restricted from knowledge about sexuality that I identified as straight despite the fact that I had more than twice as many sex dreams about girls as I did about boys (and I didn't know any other kind of person existed). It literally did not occur to me that I could be anything other than straight, because I wasn't lacking in crushes on boys. I don't think I even heard the word bisexual until I was in college.

How is this possible? Well, I was in private christian schools until 4th grade, when I went to public school for one year before being homeschooled 5th to 10th. The internet was still a toddler (google didn't exist until I was in ninth grade and didn't become really useful until a few years later), my house didn't have cable tv, and I wasn't allowed to socialize outside of school, except with people who lived as restrictedly as I did (and even with them, only once or twice a month). I had only books to teach me about relationships, and there were no queer people in them.

I think it was actually Angelina Jolie who taught me the concept of bisexual and the concept of genderfucking, via quotes people shared about Jolie on livejournal. "Honestly, I like everything, boyish girls, girlish boys, the heavy and the skinny." Reading that quote was my first time relating to anyone who expressed attraction! and still, there are very few who feel this way, because even among people who don't identify as monosexual, most people don't consider genderfucking people or fat people to be attractive. We look "weird" or "wrong" to the average person due to sexist and cis-sexist assumptions.

It was a few years after I learned what bisexuality was that I came to identify as bisexual, because I was strongly influenced by the popular cultural myth that unless you had experiences with men and women, you couldn't identify as bisexual. I would guess that at about age 21 I learned that bisexual people exist and at 23 I began identifying as bisexual. At about age 25 I learned that non-binary people exist and changed my self-label to queer to make it clear that I liked non-binary people too. This was before bisexual people queered the definition of bisexual to its current meaning of "attracted to people of 1) my own and 2) other genders."

A few years later, age 28 I realized that I was trans and non-binary, which further complicated my sexual identity as most ideas of identity start with who you are -- for instance men who are attracted to men are called gay while women who are attracted to men are called straight. Fortunately, "queer" is an umbrella term that always means "not hetero" and otherwise can mean pretty much anything.

Despite identifying as bisexual and queer since age 23, it took me until age 30 to feel sure that I was right about my identity. Even though I had had a number of romantic and sexual relationships with non-men, there's this attitude among mainstream gays that until you've done certain sex acts or had 'primary' relationships with people who were assigned the same sex as you, you don't 'count' as queer. The sexuality-policing heterocentrism is as common and intense among binary gay people as it is among binary straight people. We should be able to claim our identities without having to perform, just like straight people who have never had sex do. But it is a struggle.

It was a few years after I began identifying as queer when I learned what asexual meant, but like with bisexual, I came across a very restrictive definition and it took a while before I even learned the word demisexual. I had to work up my courage to claiming that label as well, because while it is true that I need to feel emotionally intimate to begin to feel sexual attraction, I had a period in my life where that wasn't always true, so I had to deconstruct a binary to claim my demisexual identity. I was 30 when I finally claimed this part of my identity.

When I was a kid, a teen, and a young adult I didn't know what I was, because I didn't have words for it. Once I learned the words, in every case I had to unlearn the shitty gate-keeping definitions in order to claim my identity. When you think you are cis, straight, and allosexual (having an average or high sex drive), society will never pressure you with "are you SURE?" or "but WHY are you that way?" -- you just get affirmed as who you are. If you are not those things (especially if you are trans), you have to be more sure than you have ever been because people will question you and invalidate you constantly.

As you can tell by the fact that it took me three decades to learn who I am, representation is vital. I have seen trans people on tv now but they're never asexual, rarely non-binary, and usually straight. Maybe two characters that I have seen in my life are queer and non-binary (Vex from Lost Girl and Nomi from Sense8) and that is only a guess as their identity is never mentioned and they use typical gendered pronouns -- and both are shown as highly sexual. If I had ever seen a character like me on screen I would have instantly known "that's me!" but instead I had to fumble in the dark and each time I found a part of my identity it was taken away several times before I got a permanent hold on it. If I had had an example, that would never have happened.

Straight, cis, allosexual people should have their identities questioned at least by their intimate people (parents, best friends, lovers) to help them understand themselves and to increase their empathy with people who are not like them. Queer, trans, and asexual/demisexual people should be questioned less often in general and NEVER by non-intimate people. The same as you wouldn't ask someone who you're not intimate with about what they discuss in therapy or what they like in sex, you don't ask them why they identify the way they do. That is demanding a vulnerability from them that you have not earned the right to ask. If you feel like you need to know their why in order to accept their identity as legitimate, that's due to your ignorance and cis-sexism and you need to do some serious self-examining.

What are the parts of your identity that you have labels for? (list and then define)

This got so long I had to turn it into multiple posts. I have split it into what I think of as the 5 parts of a person: body, mind, soul, heart, spirit. This post is about the body and mind parts.

External labels which affect my daily life (body):

white, non-disabled, woman-read, cisgender passing, young-passing.

These are not self-labels but they are part of my identity because I am seen this way and treated this way. In the case of whiteness, non-disabled-ness, and cis-passing, this gives me countless advantages and it is my responsibility to question and dismantle those advantages, and to share the resources that come to me through them. In the case of being read as a woman, this is usually negative, except in cases where my whiteness combines with it to act as a protection.

In the case of appearing young, this can have a negative effect of people being inclined not to take me seriously, but my forceful speech patterns usually disrupt that. It can also have a positive effect of people thinking of me as a desirable person, which I only realize when I lose that effect because people learn my real age and suddenly distance themselves and do not pursue friendship or romance with me. That's depressing, through at the same time I don't mind because I'd rather they out themselves as ageist before I invest.


Differences from compulsory identity (mind):
trans, agender, neurodivergent, fat (and proud) demisexual, queer. These are ways that I exist which average people react to with embarrassment and many people react with punishment. It is not acceptable to be these things and people feel the need to avoid or ignore them if they're trying to be polite, or scold and convert me if they don't care about polite. The overwhelming message I get about these parts of my self is that they are shameful and abnormal. My identity is not a fart and it is not polite to ignore it. It's mean. If you are scared of saying the wrong thing, do your homework! there is enough on the internet to easily avoid the worst mistakes.

trans

I identify as trans because I reject the gender I was assigned at birth. I am "on the other side" after having claimed my genderfree identity. I used to worry that I didn't "count" because I didn't want surgery, but now I know that's some binary bullshit. I know that I would have rejected gender sooner and more forcefully if I had been assigned male, cause that is associated with toxic masculinity and I want even less to do with that than with the fluffy meaninglessness that is toxic femininity. I have ejected the gender binary from my identity and that makes me trans. I am trans no matter what body I'm in. I do feel some dysphoria but that is not a necessary part of being trans.

agender/genderfree

I do not have a gender. This means I am not okay with you assuming anything gender-related based on the way I dress, look, sound, or act. Nothing about me is masculine or feminine, ever, and nothing about me is ever "presenting" a gender. Use gender-neutral pronouns when referencing me.

neurodivergent

I have ADHD, CAPD, profound memory issues, prosopagnosia, aphantasia, social anxiety, intermittent depression / seasonally-affective depression, and sensory sensitivity. I think differently than most people, I live with cognitive and emotional variances, and I experience speech, sound, and touch very differently than most people. in-depth explanation of my neurodivergence

fat & proud

This is a very important part of my identity, because I'm not just okay with my body -- I celebrate it. I will fight for my right to be fat. I identify with my fatness and even when I was small, I thought of myself as a fat person because I have always had a pokey belly. I was mocked and harrassed for my fatness starting when I was a preteen and lasting until after high school, when I began growing in size again.

I spent several years coming to love the various aspects of my body and now, honestly I would not trade this plush comfy body for a slender one if you paid me. Hugging me is amazing, because I'm so soft and supple. I fuckin love my sweet smushy curves. I can sometimes see people react to my unselfconscious easy fatness by becoming more comfortable in their own fatness, and I love that!

demisexual & erotic mirror

I am demisexual: I don't experience sexual attraction unless I choose to, and I don't choose to unless I am already in a romantic relationship and the other person has told me that they would like to have sex with me. More explanation: How sexual attraction works in me as a demisexual person & why what makes sex worth the effort as a demisexual person / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing. I am also an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex. I also do not experience romantic attraction unless I choose to but I can fall in love in a non-romantic way.

queer/bisexual/pansexual

These are all somewhat true as long as you assume the modern definition of bisexual which is "attracted to my own gender and to other genders" or in my case "attracted to genderfree people as well as gendered people." I am demisexual but the way I have sex is 100% queered, and I don't consider myself less queer than someone who is allosexual (allosexual means not-at-all-asexual). For me, sexual identity is more about how one makes sexual decisions than it is about who one has sex with. A binary cis man & woman who have sex where penetration is never assumed or centered is more queer to me than a binary cis pair of women who always assign leader/follower roles in their sex and assume if there is no penetration then it is "just foreplay." (gross)

Being demisexual means different things for different people. I identify as demisexual because I don't experience primary sexual attraction: that is, I never just want to have sex just for its own sake. I never get a physical tingle from looking at someone. I can feel aesthetic attraction to strangers but that just means I enjoy looking at them: I don't want to fuck them any more than I want to fuck a complex abstract painting. The painting is honestly more likely to give me a physical reaction (not a sexual one, but like a shiver down my back or something).

I think allosexual people (people who want to have sex for its own sake) tend to think that if people don't know if they want to have sex with someone, that means they don't really care, or that the sex will be tepid. But while I can't speak for all of my past sexual partners, I'm confident that at least half of them thought our sex was some of the hottest they'd experienced. For me, being demisexual doesn't mean my sex drive is low-power in general -- it means that most people can't even get to the key to turn it, but when it is turned, it's actually a very powerful engine. I would say that compared to average, I feel stronger sexual desire than most - I just only feel it about a very, VERY particular kind of person. I don't need any particular look, or body shape, or gender, or even personality, but my list is very specific nonetheless.

For me to experience sexual attraction, I need a potential partner to 1) be connected with me on an emotional/spiritual level; 2) be self-aware; 3) want to have sex with me and be good at consent; 4) be able to maintain mental/emotional presence during sex; 5) respect my body and not gender me; 6) be sexually compatible with me.


being connected with me:
I need to feel some kind of emotional connection with the person for there to even be a chance of sexual attraction. Often this is a connection on the spirit, soul, or heart level, but sometimes it's purely a mental connection in that we have shared a lot of intimacy in our conversations. I need emotional intimacy to want to have sex with someone because without that, sex is not fun for me. I need a reward beyond getting off. Emotional intimacy is something I am very good at creating as long as the other person is self-aware and wanting to know and be known; but that self-awareness is hard to find. Spiritual connection is one that is very hard to define, but it has to do with a certain kind of shared intuition. Where I can feel a person's emotional reactions as clearly as I can feel a physical reaction. This is something I can't create -- it either is there or it isn't. I have had this with everyone I can remember being sexually attracted to, so it is either necessary or it automatically goes with something else.



being self-aware:
I need them to be self-aware because people are rarely (if ever) able to express their boundaries when they don't even know what they are. I can't be sexual with someone who can't tell me what is and is not okay and good for them in sex, because I am not willing to take on the task of reading their mind in order to avoid violating them. I think this is far too much responsibility for any human and while I have taken that on in the past, it takes a massive toll on me mentally and emotionally and the last time I tried it I had a breakdown afterwards. I'm good at guessing but the cost of guessing wrong is just too high. If you must rely on your sex partner to guess what you want, I will not have sex with you.



wanting to have sex with me / good at consent:
If I have a connection with someone who is self-aware, that will make me curious if we could have a sexual connection, but curiosity is as far as it goes unless they express interest or curiosity of their own. For me to feel desire, I need them to actually flat-out say "I want to have sex with you" or say an unequivocal "yes" if I ask if they want to. If they are also demisexual or grey-asexual this can get a little convoluted, but if we are both curious and want to try it that works for me. I also need them to be fully invested in my consent, not just asking but also showing awareness of my reactions and adjusting accordingly.



able to maintain presence:
ability and desire to maintain awareness of me throughout the sexperience. To feel sexual desire for someone I need to be able to sense them letting my touch reach them emotionally. I need a balance of reactive and attentive. I do not want someone who always turns into pure reaction (sometimes I might want to provide that space but not often, as it's exhausting!), but I also don't want someone who isn't reactive. I want a person who can stay mentally, spiritually, and emotionally present at least half the time while feeling intensely. Someone who will still notice if I seem 'done' even if they are in the throes of sexual ecstasy. Someone who can grip my hand or make eye contact with me during sex and I can feel the 'click' of that connection.



bodily respect:
I need a partner to not assign stereotyped personality traits to body parts or looks. My body has no gender, and I won't have sex with someone who wants to gender me or my parts. My fatness has no meaning, and I won't have sex with someone who treats it as any more unusual than the fact that I have hands. You gotta be over that shit: I don't do 101-level sex. Be ready to approach my body as if I am the only creature of my species in the universe.



compatibility:
I need to be able to give and receive big chompy hard bites. I first discovered my penchant for biting with Kylei, and since exploring biting more with Topaz it has become as central to my sex as kissing. Kissing is a close second: I need someone who loves kissing and has a compatible kissing style with lots of lips a little bit of tongue and not too much spit. I could more easily give up genital touch than biting or kissing.

I need someone who is not more than 85% of any binary and is not primarily sexually attracted to binary traits. I need you to fully understand and know that not all my parts are physical but that doesn't make them less real. I need you to have at least a token amount of initiator/leader/giver and receiver/follower/taker. I don't want to only ever be one part of myself with you so you need to want all my aspects even if you don't want them all equally. I need to be able to wrestle and be fierce and wild. I also need sex to be taken seriously AND playfully -- don't be too proud for me to laugh at your farts, don't be too easygoing to say pause if something is uncomfortable, and don't be too cool to cry or be loud. And above all don't approach sex with me as something to cure you of what ails you. I can feel that as clearly as I can feel a physical tug and I can't stand it. I do not want to be a thing you need, ever. That is a huge turn-off.


If all of that is aligned, then I have strong curiosity about sex with this person and I want to try it. At this point I still don't feel actual desire for sex, but just for knowing what it is like. I start feeling desire for sex when I start being sexual with the person. I feel it when we're in it and I feel it after, inspired by memory. In a way, I am only sexually attracted to people I have had sex with before.

So with all these things I need to even want sex you may be asking how have I ever managed to find sex partners and the answer is -- mostly I don't. I have found 3, mayyyybe 4 people who match all of this and most of them are unavailable. So I feel both really lucky to have found the people I did, and really pessimistic about future possibilities.

Mostly I just don't try to find new sexual partners. There are a lot of experiences I am curious about and want to try, but Topaz is up for trying most of them and the others are not important enough to me to try to find a way to increase my chances. I am so lucky to have near-perfect compatibility with Topaz; our sex is still the most exciting every time, after five years. Honestly, I think that sex with anyone else is unlikely to reach the level of connection and compatibility that I have with Topaz.

Mostly the reason I want to still have sexual experiences with others is that when I have more than one sexual partner during a period of time, I am able to learn things about myself based on having similar experiences with different people. I can take the common denominator and realize what is all me. That's just not something you can do if you only have one sexual partner for a period of time. So I still want to have sexual experiences with others, but it's so far down on my list of priorities that it is unlikely I will ever devote effort to it.

I noticed a weird reaction in me the last two times I spent one-on-one time with Evelyn. I wondered why I hadn't done more sexy things because I had been looking forward to that aspect and in thinking back, realized that I was feeling some internal resistance in the moment while I was with them. I knew it wasn't lack of desire, so I found that feeling confusing the first time it happened and figured I was just in a weird mood or something. Then it happened again, so I took it as meaningful and examined it until I figured it out.

I realized that this was coming up for the first time because last time we were dating, it was summer and we could only have short dates, so I could flow in and out of being sexual with them without a lot of effort. That's only possible when 1) I am not hypersensitive and 2) it's a short burst of time. (and of course I have to have a strong connection with the person, but that alone doesn't do it)

Often -- I'd say most of the time -- my body and my energy system are both hypersensitive. This is especially true in winter because cold really affects me, both by bringing my emotional energy down and by making my whole body tense and uncomfortable the majority of my waking life. I also tend to get hypersensitive when I'm highly stressed, when I haven't had enough platonic touch lately, or whenever it has been more than two weeks since I had an energy reset (which is easiest to get from sex but I can also get it from energy work, sensation play, concerts of artists I love, ritual, or getting drunk). Unfortunately masturbation doesn't really help with regards to this because it's more about my energy system being shocked by contact with another energy system.*

When I am hypersensitive, touch feels about 10 times as strong as it should. If I am super hyped up, this can be fun, but most of the time it feels like everything is too rough and too cloying at the same time. When people touch me I want them to press harder AND I want it to be barely there AND I want them to just move ten feet away immediately; it creates really intense ambivalence. It's not too hard to make the hypersensitivity stop, but most of the time I expect that people don't want to help, so I usually either avoid touch or steel myself against it like when you jump into a cold pool.

I can manage my hypersensitivity by artificially raising my inner energy levels, but I can't do this for very long and it is exhausting and stressful. So usually what happens is that I feel the need to block sexual energy unless I am actively interacting with it. When I have to block, that makes it harder to get into it in the first place because I have to take the block down and it takes energy so I don't want to do it unless it's gonna be down for long enough to make it worth it. And part of me feels guilty at putting up a block at all, which makes me feel internally pressured to take it down immediately when I perceive a request, which makes my desire deflate -- a weird, frustrating little cycle.

This is true with nonsexual touch too, and is part of the reason that quick hugs or pecky kisses are often draining for me. I have to do this inner work to prepare my body so that it doesn't feel like the tactile version of a train brake screech, and if the person stops giving touch before I even finish the work, then I never get the nourishment and it was a huge amount of wasted effort. I've figured out that it takes at least four full seconds for me to even relax into a hug, and it takes at least two seconds for me to get into a kiss, and if it doesn't last at least as long as it took me to get there, then it is overall draining. I'm still willing to do it sometimes but I can't do it a lot. I'd far rather have a high-five or a nod than a short hug. I need to remember this and offer people a high five or 8-second hug rather than letting them grab me for one or maybe two seconds.

Anyway, it was interesting to realize that I was having this reaction, and that trying to deal with it alone was so not the way to go. When I mentioned this to Evelyn I said I'd probably need some help with bringing my sensitivity down at the beginning so that I didn't have to block and/or I would need to have sexual time separate from the rest of our time, and they responded supportively and casually mentioned that we could be more intentionally structured about our time together (which I find very exciting & hopeful), so I look forward to experimenting with that!

*This used to happen to me every time I left the house, because I had no shield against other people's energy and it would all just cling to me. I'd merely walk past someone and feel like bursting into tears because I felt their pain, and I didn't know how to get rid of it either so I would just feel terrible for days until it wore off. Now it only happens when I let my shields down, but I prefer to drop my shields with people I love even if it means I pick up some of their stuff. I prefer to cleanse it out later if need be and be able to connect fully in the meantime.

I don't call myself a switch, because 1) that implies a binary where I choose to either be one or the other but I can't merge them, which is not true of my experience, and 2) other people who identify as switches usually do so because they have active, intrinsic desire to be submissive as well as active, intrinsic desire to be dominant. I don't have either of these things.

I call myself an erotic mirror because my access to the erotic is reflective. I don't have much intrinsic desire for sex in general (I am demisexual) and I have zero intrinsic desire for roles in sex. I don't daydream about particular kinds of sex or power play, for instance. I find the idea of imagining sex or power play to be very boring; when I masturbate, it is usually while paying attention to music or just meditating. I don't masturbate out of desire for sex; I do it as a gift to my body, or because I want menstrual cramps to go away, or to be able to fall asleep quickly, or because I want to meditate and can't focus enough without involving my body.

Rather than from within me, my sexual desire comes from an interaction with a person where they have a particular desire and my desire mirrors that: they want to submit and thus I want to make them submit, or they want to take charge and thus I want to allow them (though that is rare because I dislike how most people try to take charge: a person has to have an innate connection with their primal self for that to be appealing). Or if they want me to give them a particular sensation, or want to give me a sensation, then I want to do that too (unless receiving the sensation is actively unpleasant: if I am neutral on it and they want it, then I want it). If they have no particular shape of desire, then my desire is somewhat random -- whatever memory comes up of an occasion that was particularly emotionally intense is what I will want to do.

The only things I really love for their own sake are biting, kissing, and energy play. Even if the other person doesn't have an active desire for these things but is like "they're okay, I like them a little" I will want to do them. Not as much, but at least a little bit. Whereas with other things like genital touch or bondage, if the person feels only mild desire, I won't want to do them any more. I only want those things if the other person is really into it.

This is also why I think there is very little that someone could want me to do to them that I wouldn't want to do. Unless it violated one of my core values or risked serious bodily harm, I would probably be down.

I think I have had sex with one person who was also an erotic mirror, and our sex was so intensely connected that sometimes I wasn't sure which limbs were mine. It was transcendent: the emotional equivalent of two mirrors facing, endless recursion. I'd love to know more people who are erotic mirrors.

I don't get romantic crushes on people before I know if it is possible for them to feel the same way. queerbychoice mentioned that this must make it practically impossible to connect if they're similar to me, and I just today realized how it still has managed to happen. I fall in love in a platonic way first, and then fall in romantic love because they usually interpret that as romantic love and 'reciprocate,' which to me initiates romantic love.

Falling in love in a platonic way looks like being fascinated with the person, enjoying everything I learn about them, craving to know more and be closer. Feeling adoring of their way of thinking and their idiosyncrasies. When I feel platonically in love, I want to celebrate their uniqueness, to brag about how amazing they are, to share my friends and my life, to give to them with my actions and (if they are someone I can predict) things I make or find that remind me of them.

I was feeling fatalistic about romantic potential before this realization, because of my need for mutuality. But I know of at least four people I could conceivably fall in platonic love with, and maybe they might fall romantically for me. I can't really imagine falling platonically in love with someone and them in romantic love for me and then me NOT falling romantically for them. I think the only thing between platonically in love and romantically in love is me deciding to add romance. Which I would only not do if they weren't into it or if it would hurt too much due to circumstances or if there was non-chosen power dynamic (if I was their boss or something like that).

I didn't realize it, but it has been bugging me for MONTHS that I didn't understand how falling in love worked for me, because this hasn't always been the case but looking back I just couldn't understand how I ended up falling for people.

I yearn for someone to crave me. To want to put their hands on me and when they touch my skin, to forget themselves just a little and dig in with their fingertips because it feels so fucking good to have that contact. I want someone to intend just to give me a back pet in passing but then feel such magnetic pull that they stop, slide their hands around my waist, stroke my hips and grip them, kiss my shoulder, nuzzle my neck, wrap their arms around me, and bite me. I want someone to kiss me and get lost in it, forget everything else and revel in the sensation of my lips and tongue. I want someone to want to give me every pleasurable sensation, and to want to receive from me every pleasurable sensation. I want someone to want to be immersed in my energy, to want to feel my presence permeating theirs. I want someone to crave my hands on them and my lips on theirs and my body against theirs. I want them to want me to sink my teeth into them, to dig my claws into them. I want them to want to (for a short time) take over my self completely, and to want the inverse. I want them to want blending of energy within sex to the point that we're not sure which limb belongs to who, and I want them to be able to be present enough for that to be possible. I want them to want all of me, all of me, all of me, and I want them to want to share all of them, all. I want to intertwine with them and feel our breaths and our frequencies sync up.

All of this within the context of a mutually in-love relationship, not with any random person. I don't think I could want this with someone I wasn't in love with. I try imagining this with someone I am not currently in love with and my mind balks and throws darts at me. The feeling, if I am not in love, is that same jolt of badness that happens when I am touched with sexual intentions when I haven't had enough platonic loving touch. It's too shocking and intense to be enjoyable; the difference between sliding into a cool pool on a hot day or getting thrown into a cold pool on a freezing day.

I fall in love really easily, or at least I used to. I feel worried that that part of me is damaged with too many almosts that scalded me. I'm worried I've lost the knack of it. Strange I guess. I'm really afraid to hope.

If I can't fall in love again, if I've gotten too picky or too scared just too fuckin damaged, then I can't imagine wanting sex with other people any more. And I feel like there are so many things I barely got to try. The more I think about the idea of casual sex the more I hate it. I think it would make me feel nothing but a giant sense of loss and lack.

One of the effects of being on anxiety meds now is that my desire for sex is significantly increased. I now understand why most of the time when I get drunk, I want to have passionate kisses and maybe sex; drinking reduces my anxiety. This in combination with the circumstances in which I get drunk (celebrating with people I love, usually) means that I suddenly become aware of desire. I think that anxiety interrupts my sexual desire before it gets to the point of even being a conscious thought.

The unpleasant aspect of this is is that I am not currently in any sexual relationships. I think it is rather sad that when I had the people I did not have the skills to know and ask for what I wanted, and now that I am self-aware enough to know exactly what I want and be able to ask for it very clearly and without pressure or fear, I don't have anyone to ask. My previous lovers are unavailable in various ways (several live out of state now). I wish I was bold enough to invite someone to have sex with me outside of the context of a relationship but I'm not, partly because I have never done it and it's possible that without being in love I won't get much out of it? I'm so curious, but a complete unknown is not something I want to take such a risk for, at least not at this point.

My ideal lover is:
- anti-oppression & growth-focused & self-aware & good at self-care (so that we can be friends):
- good at using spiritual/emotional energy to create sensation and/or deepen connection
- good at negotiating expectations
- very communicative, especially about what they enjoy or dislike
- as good at initiating as they are at responding
- generous and skilled at adjusting touch based on reactions
- into planning a sexperience
- fond of being bitten, especially receiving marks
- into percussion play, giving and receiving

I had posted on fb about wanting to receive percussion, and a friend responded offering to give that to me. It took a long time to schedule it but we finally set a plan for last Sunday, and I went to their house (since I was already halfway there to meet another friend). The friend who offered lives with another friend of mine, and I ended up cuddling with them and then being flogged by one and paddled by the other. The flogger was long heavy slim strips of suede, mostly thuddy with some sting. The paddle was the size of a small ceiling fan blade but about an inch thick. I was intimidated at first but it didn't feel heavier than mine (which is the same thickness) and in fact was less intense because the impact was more spread out.. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable experience, very sensual without being sexual. It confirmed for me that the sensation of being flogged or thumped with heavy objects is magical for me. I had completely forgotten the sensation of the energy building up on my back until after I was flogged and then someone put a hand on my back and I felt it go through a layer of energy before touching me. I then asked that they let the energy sit for a while next time, and they of course obliged. The second time, the energy was even more palpable, and I felt exposed in a very unique way.

Later, one of them offered to let me try their steel finger claws and I did and HOLY FUCK I had the hardest time not digging in. I restrained myself pretty hard and still was giddy enough that one remarked to the other "was I this delighted when you gave them to me?" I felt like I finally could feel the physical manifestation of a spiritual part of me and it was a revelation. I need some for myself. Not need like I will suffer damage without them, but need as in to be my fullest self.

As a demisexual, I need to feel some kind of emotional connection with the person for there to even be a chance of sexual attraction. Often this is a connection on the spirit, soul, or heart level, but sometimes it's purely a mental connection in that we have shared a lot of intimacy in our conversations. Once I have this, the following four elements together may create sexual desire (in order of importance, not chronology).

The number one thing that determines my sexual desire is consent, both ways. To desire someone I need them to tell me that they want sex with me. No, I don't mean say flirty things or act attracted, I mean actually flat-out say "I want to have sex with you" or say an unequivocal "yes" if I ask if they want to. I'm pretty sure I won't ever feel sexual desire for anyone who doesn't feel it for me. I might have in high school (before I ever had sex), but not since I became sexually active. I also need them to be fully invested in my consent, not just asking but also showing awareness of my reactions and adjusting accordingly.

Next in importance is bodily respect: them not having terrible ideas about bodies, sex, or gender. No assigning stereotyped personality traits to body parts including genitals. No assigning body types/parts as attractive or unattractive (this is gross no matter what shape you decide is best). No ideas about more or less legitimate kinds of bodies. No believing in rules for genders. Never imposing gender on me. Not interpreting my fat as a cause or effect of my personality. Basically, not being sexist, cissexist, or looksist.

Next is awareness; self-awareness, awareness of me, ability and desire to maintain this awareness and express it throughout. To feel sexual desire for someone I need to be able to sense them letting my touch reach them emotionally. (otherwise I will feel unappreciated and/or worried that they don't really want it) I need a balance of reactive and attentive. I do not want someone who always turns into pure reaction (sometimes I might want to provide that space but not often, as it's exhausting!), but I also don't want someone who isn't reactive. I want a person who can stay mentally, spiritually, and emotionally present while feeling intensely. Someone who will still notice if I seem 'done' even if they are in the throes of sexual ecstasy. Someone who can make eye contact with me or grip my hand during sex and I can feel the 'click' of that connection.

Last is generosity (desire to give). If you could be happy only receiving every time we have sex (while knowing that I love being touched) or if you never offer anything and only give when asked, I'm not interested. I know some people are scared of not being perfect and that's why they don't want to give, and I can empathize with that, but it is not a turn-on. People who have no desire to give sexually would not be people I'd be sexually compatible with. People also need to not be so full of need that they subconsciously pull at me. That one I can't really explain, it's just a thing I feel. I don't think I can feel desire for anyone who is looking for salvation outside themselves.

If these are all met, I can have satisfying sex with a person. But each of these four elements is fucking rare. Especially awareness. So many people check out when they have sex and go to a purely physical place or have sex as a mental escape. I just don't find that remotely appealing.

Usually for it to go from "I can feel sexual desire" to "I actually want this enough to deal with the hassle of the STD/trigger/expectations conversation and the potential concerns of my current partner(s), therefore I will flip my internal switch and become sexually attracted to them" I have to be in love with the person. I don't find sex more nourishing than cuddles or conversation, so it's not worth the bother unless I am in love and therefore want to experience all possible connecting activities and want to bring them joy in any way available to me.

In a world without oppression where people valued awareness and giving, there would be many opportunities for me to want sex with people. ( as it is I am unlikely to want new sex partners very often )

A person who experiences sexual attraction in a way that matches the norm is called allosexual.
A person who never experiences sexual attraction is called asexual.
A person who experiences sexual attraction only in the context of an emotional connection is called demisexual.
A person for whom none of that is true (perhaps they experience sexual attraction very rarely, or in cycles, or only in certain situations) is called grey-asexual.

Another way the difference between allosexual and demisexual people is explained is by dividing sexual attraction into two types. Type 1 sexual attraction is when something external about the person (looks, smell, the way someone moves, their voice, their style, etc) creates sexual attraction for you. Type 2 sexual attraction is when emotional connection creates sexual attraction for you. Allosexuals can experience both. Demisexuals only experience Type 2. Asexuals don't experience either. Grey-asexuals vary. Still a bit confused? this FAQ answers a lot of questions in depth: Under the Ace Umbrella: Demisexuality and Gray-asexuality.

A lot of demisexuals have a time element to their sexual attraction (they need to know the person for a length of time before they can feel sexually attracted), but I don't think this is inherent. I think it just takes a good amount of time for most people to get to a place where they feel emotionally connected. I have spent a good chunk of my life reducing the amount of time it takes me to feel emotionally connected with someone, so I know how to build intimacy really quickly if the other person can be fully present and engaged. So, theoretically, I could feel sexual attraction to someone the same day I met them. This has happened once, when I met someone who was a violet spirit and feminist and trans and cuddly and we went to a cuddle party and talked about meaningful things the whole time. Usually it's not until I've had a 7+ hour conversation on intense topics with the person, and I really doubt it could ever happen in one day with someone who wasn't a violet spirit (violet spirit is a belenen-specific concept that references how I perceive the non-physical aspects of people). I've parsed out the four essential elements for me to feel sexual attraction to someone and I'll make that a separate post.

What about you?
[Poll #2018055]

The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it for me are...

1) energy play that is easier and more intense because my body is revved up (exercise or roughhousing play works for this too, or some drugs I'm sure).
2) the intimacy of having someone watch my body and listen to my sounds when I am totally uninhibited. (being very drunk and dancing would provide this too, but is more work and expense).
3) the emotional high that my allosexual partners get from sex which makes them more relaxed and affectionate, sometimes for days after.
4) learning about someone in a wordless way through their reactions and desires.
5) in-depth discussions of feelings. I don't get much out of sex despite the above unless we talk out the experience afterward. This has been a difficulty for me because frankly most people are really bad at talking about sex and not great at talking about their feelings either, but I've had the occasional lover who was naturally good at it and others deliberately built their skills.

I don't experience any particular touch as always sexual, not giving or receiving. Nor do I experience any touch as inherently non-sexual. For me, sex is about intention more than anything else. I can't stand for my non-sexually-meant touch to be taken as sexual by someone else. Even if I am in a sexual relationship with them and often enjoy sex with them, if I am not wanting and intending sex, I don't want my touch to be taken that way. Along the same lines, I can often miss "I wanna have sex" signals because I don't apply sexual thought to touch unless that is invited. Someone once literally put their face in between my breasts and I did not interpret this as an expression of sexual interest (later they told me that it was and I realized that most people would probably have taken it that way).

I sometimes enjoy giving/receiving touch that would usually be sexual as purely sensual instead. Touch with that level of intimacy minus the urgency of sex makes for the most tender touch I can imagine. But then, I am not sure this translates for other people because my body still responds in a sexual way eventually. It just feels completely different and makes me almost want to cry (not in a sad way, but like I'd cry at a particularly beautiful piece of music). I've experienced this with Topaz, Kylei, and (to a much lesser extent) my ex-spouse.

I do like the physical sensation of touching other people's genitals. If not for all the mental associations, I would probably like to touch them often in non-sexual ways. That is, not for sexual pleasure but because they feel nice, warm and soft and close. I could cup my hand around them and have it held in place by their thighs which would feel very intimate (whether they were clothed or not). If not for people being ticklish or otherwise uncomfortable with the idea, I'd probably enjoy putting my hands in people's armpits for the same reason.

( kissing )