For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.

This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.

We can't afford to get Sylvia fixed yet, so we had her towed here. Ten minutes after I paid the tower, Tim the maintenence guy knocks on my door and tells me that we aren't allowed to park non-working cars here or work on them here. I listen, argue a little, then he says it's in the lease and I feel like an absolute idiot for not checking before paying 60 precious dollars to get the damn car towed here. I shut the door, go flop on my bed and cry.

and cry and cry and cry.... tears are running down my face right now. I don't cry often but right now I feel betrayed almost because I thought we were safe here and now I don't feel safe and I don't want to be here and I don't have anywhere to put Sylvia and if she's here for more than a week they'll 'remove' her and I don't know if they might kick us out. I'm scared and worried...... and my heart hurts and I have nowhere to turn..... and I can't even call anybody to come comfort me and Ben's at work and I just want a place that I can feel safe. I'm sick of having problem after problem with the cars...

And we have to fix Sheridan so he'll pass emissions... and we have to renew the tag... and we have to pay for insurance, which we were going to pay in a lump sum for a year but it looks like we won't be able to do that.

I HURT.

We can't afford to get Sylvia fixed yet, so we had her towed here. Ten minutes after I paid the tower, Tim the maintenence guy knocks on my door and tells me that we aren't allowed to park non-working cars here or work on them here. I listen, argue a little, then he says it's in the lease and I feel like an absolute idiot for not checking before paying 60 precious dollars to get the damn car towed here. I shut the door, go flop on my bed and cry.

and cry and cry and cry.... tears are running down my face right now. I don't cry often but right now I feel betrayed almost because I thought we were safe here and now I don't feel safe and I don't want to be here and I don't have anywhere to put Sylvia and if she's here for more than a week they'll 'remove' her and I don't know if they might kick us out. I'm scared and worried...... and my heart hurts and I have nowhere to turn..... and I can't even call anybody to come comfort me and Ben's at work and I just want a place that I can feel safe. I'm sick of having problem after problem with the cars...

And we have to fix Sheridan so he'll pass emissions... and we have to renew the tag... and we have to pay for insurance, which we were going to pay in a lump sum for a year but it looks like we won't be able to do that.

I HURT.

We can't afford to get Sylvia fixed yet, so we had her towed here. Ten minutes after I paid the tower, Tim the maintenence guy knocks on my door and tells me that we aren't allowed to park non-working cars here or work on them here. I listen, argue a little, then he says it's in the lease and I feel like an absolute idiot for not checking before paying 60 precious dollars to get the damn car towed here. I shut the door, go flop on my bed and cry.

and cry and cry and cry.... tears are running down my face right now. I don't cry often but right now I feel betrayed almost because I thought we were safe here and now I don't feel safe and I don't want to be here and I don't have anywhere to put Sylvia and if she's here for more than a week they'll 'remove' her and I don't know if they might kick us out. I'm scared and worried...... and my heart hurts and I have nowhere to turn..... and I can't even call anybody to come comfort me and Ben's at work and I just want a place that I can feel safe. I'm sick of having problem after problem with the cars...

And we have to fix Sheridan so he'll pass emissions... and we have to renew the tag... and we have to pay for insurance, which we were going to pay in a lump sum for a year but it looks like we won't be able to do that.

I HURT.

okay, if you've been reading me for a while you know I'm crazy about my car, Sylvia. Well, we asked for a total check-up, but apparently we weren't clear enough, 'cause they didn't check everything and the day we got her back the timing belt broke.

Which means she needs a new engine. Which is more than we can afford. So we'll be driving Sheridan, Ben's car, who is in serious need of repair (yet runs).

Beth (PJ's wife) gave a definition for an idol: something (besides God) that you feel you have to have. I realized that Sylvia was an idol, by that definition, and decided that whatever the case was (this was before we knew the diagnosis) I was going to trust God. So I'm not happy, but I'm not freaking out either. I do, however, have that horrible nagging feeling that if I had just been more thorough, they'd have checked and found the damn thing.

That's absolutely the worst feeling!

okay, if you've been reading me for a while you know I'm crazy about my car, Sylvia. Well, we asked for a total check-up, but apparently we weren't clear enough, 'cause they didn't check everything and the day we got her back the timing belt broke.

Which means she needs a new engine. Which is more than we can afford. So we'll be driving Sheridan, Ben's car, who is in serious need of repair (yet runs).

Beth (PJ's wife) gave a definition for an idol: something (besides God) that you feel you have to have. I realized that Sylvia was an idol, by that definition, and decided that whatever the case was (this was before we knew the diagnosis) I was going to trust God. So I'm not happy, but I'm not freaking out either. I do, however, have that horrible nagging feeling that if I had just been more thorough, they'd have checked and found the damn thing.

That's absolutely the worst feeling!

okay, if you've been reading me for a while you know I'm crazy about my car, Sylvia. Well, we asked for a total check-up, but apparently we weren't clear enough, 'cause they didn't check everything and the day we got her back the timing belt broke.

Which means she needs a new engine. Which is more than we can afford. So we'll be driving Sheridan, Ben's car, who is in serious need of repair (yet runs).

Beth (PJ's wife) gave a definition for an idol: something (besides God) that you feel you have to have. I realized that Sylvia was an idol, by that definition, and decided that whatever the case was (this was before we knew the diagnosis) I was going to trust God. So I'm not happy, but I'm not freaking out either. I do, however, have that horrible nagging feeling that if I had just been more thorough, they'd have checked and found the damn thing.

That's absolutely the worst feeling!