Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

I had a really interesting evening! I met up with Ash* (previously referred to as Ashley -- Ash fits better now in my opinion) and S (not sure how to spell it but that's how it's pronounced) at the Clay Cafe (which is a misnomer, since you PAINT the pottery, you don't work with clay -- I think it should be called "Drink 'n' Paint" :D), to join in a pagan meeting. For a couple of hours we just sat around and talked -- it wasn't very structured, just loosely about paganism, offshoots of that, and completely random stuff sprinkled in.

The group consisted of myself, Ash, zir friend S (who I didn't get to talk to but who seemed open-minded and interesting), Nikki (the organizer of the group, calm and strong), Nikki's partner Wolf (nickname -- can't remember the real name) (excitable, sweet, loud), H____ who dominated the conversation (a bit of an intellectual grandstander, but interesting!), two others who didn't say much (but had gentle spirits -- their presence was soothing), and Kat whom I really clicked with despite not really getting a 'read' on zir. We ended up in two half-circles, males on one side and females on the other, and had two or more conversations going most of the time. I mostly listened, poking my nose in every now and then. It was interesting to see how things flowed -- conversation in pairs, then in two groups, then in one group, and around again. Nikki told us about bellydance classes -- for $10 a session! near to me! I've been looking for that for ages -- I may start going (or I may wait until the next cycle comes around, since this 10-week cycle is half over). Ze also talked a little about the cat rescue where ze volunteers -- I think I'm going to look into getting involved with that too, if for nothing else than to assuage my kitten fever.

I was sitting next to Kat so we talked and I got to know zir a little -- we talked about the various ways we create, and ze mentioned that creating your own items takes down this barrier between you and the item, which is an interesting way of looking at it! I had always thought that creating something was bringing a part of you into physical form, but I hadn't considered the other side of it -- that there is a very real barrier between me and most of my daily items because I did not create them. I think customizing them can have the same effect as originally creating them though; I think that has been my (subconscious) motivation for customizing everything. Kat seems really cool: into bookbinding, cosplay, hooping, and various belief systems (eclectic, like me!).

Nearing the end, Wolf came over and sat on the coffeetable in front of Nikki and joined our conversation (turning zir back on the rest of the group). I found that really endearing, as it was so impolite and free! I liked their relationship -- they've been together 11 years and they have a cozy comfort that reminds me of my partner and I. It's that ease-of-balancing, that comfort that comes with having clashed so often that you've worn into each other and just fit. And Wolf said some things that were mentos in my diet coke, but I felt this affection/goodwill from zir that made me like zir anyway. ( the mentos )

This the first time I've had long conversation with strangers in a long time! I realized that it really nourishes me to talk face-to-face with new people (as long as it occasionally delves into the personal/passionate). Even though I didn't have much in common with most of the group, just the... brushing of spirits (for lack of a better term) was so good. And I really liked Kat and S; I want to know them more. Kat gave me zir facebook, so I added zir there, and we're hopefully going to meet up (other than at the next group)!

*oh yeah, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned it before -- Ash and I are rekindling our friendship now ;-)

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

Some of you will remember the breakdown I had, resulting in the end of my friendship with Ashley and leading to silence with Aurilion (then called Lily). For those who don't know and don't want to read that megapost, ( lemme splain. No, is too much, let me sum up: )

Yesterday Aurilion and I had a long talk about that night, discussing how ze had felt in that situation. Ze had felt such a desire to reach out to me, to show me compassion and understanding, but had felt that ze couldn't do it, felt as if ze could not speak against Ashley (partly because of not yet knowing how to set boundaries and define zir own will). I had already felt the truth of this -- in fact, I remember seeing that compassion in Aurilion's eyes and feeling insane because I felt zir spirit saying one thing while zir words said another. I remember feeling such desperation at having zir RIGHT THERE and yet as distant as fog. We talked about this for a long while and I assured zir that it does not color zir for me, that I do not see that experience when I look at zir, that I understand, that it is completely forgiven, that I know that was not the actions of zir trueself.

Barely five minutes after Aurilion and I finish talking, there's a loud knock on the door and I dart into the other room (since I was naked as usual). Ben looks out and tells me that it's Ashley! At first I thought ze was joking, because what timing! but it was true! So I put on some clothes and went to talk to zir. Ze's in a very hard situation financially... I wish I could do more to help because I know how dreadful it is to be in that place, but we're in a tight spot right now too. Anyway, I ended up taking zir out for dinner and we had a long talk, which was pretty enlightening.

During the breakup Ashley was very angry with me, and I really had no idea why. I looked at my actions over and over trying to find where I had made a mistake or been unkind, and I could not find fault. Today ze explained that ze had thought I was faking the pain in order to manipulate zir and keep zir from being with Aurilion -- keep zir to myself. (Ashley added that it was even more upsetting when put in the context of our relationship: for over a year I had been helping zir learn how to keep people from manipulating zir) Looking at it from that point of view, I can understand why ze was so angry! I would have been fucking furious myself if I thought someone was manipulating me in that way. It had never even occurred to me that ze could think that because 1) it was so obvious to me that I had good reason for that pain, and 2) I'm really incapable of it. Emotional dishonesty is the deepest level of lies; you have to be really, really good at lying to manufacture fake emotion. And the level of emotion I experienced was so extreme I don't know if anyone could fake it even if they were good at faking it.

Anyway, I finally understand why ze did what ze did, and all the pieces click into place. I had already forgiven zir but it helps to understand the reasons why. There's still some unresolved pain between Aurilion and Ashley, so I'm not comfortable being close with Ashley now, but I think that now it is just a matter of time and we will be friends again eventually.

Today I've felt very odd, thinking about all this and also worrying about Ashley's current situation. :-/ I really hope ze is okay.

ETA: just to clarify, we aren't currently friends and that feels right to me. We're not really in communication (that day was a fluke) and I'm not looking to change that. This didn't really change my feelings about Ashley, it just solved a mystery for me.

These are the characters in the story of my life:

( from 2008 )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Friday I spent the day with SabR -- so much fun! We went shopping in downtown Athens and I looked at a lot of glass art, but the really lovely pieces were just too expensive and the decently priced stuff was nice but not in any of my colors. :-p So at the Native American store I picked up a green jasper egg (which had an amazing forest energy) and an opalite star for my altar, and a small thing for one of my Aquarian friends' birthday. ;-)

The strangest thing happened there -- Ashley just happened to come into the shop at the same time that we were there! For those of you who haven't been on my flist long, Ashley and SabR have negative history and pretty much hate each other. When Ashley called me over, I made awkward conversation with her (the tension between them was palpable) and then told her that I was there with SabR, which ended the conversation. I've never experienced that before and I would not care to experience it again! And it makes me wish humans were a little less civilized because I would much prefer open fighting to polite hatred. I'm not the sort of person who tries to break up a fight between adults (or equally matched children) because while it may not be the best way to resolve conflict, it's better than the alternative, in my mind. The police might not agree, heh.

Anyway, after that was over we went to see The Tree That Owns Itself (which is actually the scion of the original tree) and were disappointed at how young it was. (but I want to go back and see it again in the summer) The Magnolia across the street was HUGE and amazing, so we took more photos of that.

SabR took me to one of her favorite Mexican restaurants, which I liked (to my surprise, as I am very picky) and then we went back to her place and watched Prince of Egypt (which she had never seen! wtf!) and Knocked Up, which wasn't as bad as I had expected from everything people had said. ( ranting about the movie ) Oh, and Paul Rudd was BRILLIANT in that film. He's one of the handful of actors I wish I could meet.



( photos of SabR, me, trees, and Athens )

The Bad: Mom took lil sis and moved back to PA. *frustration* I could go on and on about that... :-(

The Strange: Ashley left a bag on the front door with the CDs she had borrowed (which I was glad to get back), the curvy goddess-shaped rock Hannah had given her, and the pieces of the anklet I had made her. I can understand not wanting it around and giving it back, but taking it apart first? wtf? (and it was corded so it didn't simply break) *shakes head* whatevah whatevah.

The Good! Mom loaned me some money (her pay from her part-time job, I was soooo touched) and we went ahead and got the car fixed *whew!* Now we just have to get the tag/title yearly fee taken care of and we will have a healthy, legal car for the first time in MONTHS. You've no idea how much of a relief that is. Right now we have another possibility for improving our finances, but I'm not going to get too excited until it actually happens. Also I applied at a coffeehouse down the road and I REALLY want the job. If not there of course I'll be getting a job elsewhere, but there would be just perfect. When I filled out the application they asked questions like "how much do you like to listen to other people's problems?" and "when you see a small mistake, do you feel compelled to correct it?" and judging by that and the atmosphere in the shops I've frequented, they're looking for open, friendly, relaxed people. The workers there always seem sooo relaxed and cheerful, and I'd just LOVE to be working in an environment like that, surrounded by COFFEE SMELLS. mmmmmmmmmm. And I would be so fucking PERFECT for it. After I put in the application online, I went in the next day and spoke to the manager about setting up an interview, but he hadn't looked at the applications yet. It's been a week so hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow! if not I think I'll call. I don't want to be pushy but I don't want to regret not going after it. *eeek*

also I've been in a very phototaking mood, so a giant photopost will probably come soon. I took soooooo many amazing photos of Ben, because he was in a generous mood and not camera-shy for once. But I have to convince him to let me share them *hopes* For now I'll just share a few photos of other subjects:


( mostly the incredibly green trees ♥ )

Thank you so incredibly much, everyone who has lovingly commented/prayed/sent positive energy/thoughts ♥ ♥ ♥ Thank you so so much. You help more than I can ever express or even understand.

also, AMAZING news: FIREKAT IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEE!!!!! She bought the tickets and I'm going to see her face to face for the first time on May 2nd!!! OMFG!!!

Life has been stressssss-FUL lately. Mainly financial stuff... Ben and I were counting on him being promoted into management now, and it didn't happen. Two less-qualified people were promoted over him, a black man and a white woman, and he feels sure it was because of political reasons (race/sex quotas). (He knows the two people: their history, temperament, and qualifications) He spoke with his manager and his manager gave the impression that he agreed. Ben was pretty irritated about it... but I feel that sometimes injustice is the only way to make up for injustice. I would probably be more upset if it was ME who got left behind, because I'd feel hurt that my managers didn't make it happen for me, but as it is, I'm okay with it. I am definitely feeling the pinch of this, and it's not right -- but I feel it is necessary. This one time, those two people may have been favored, but usually, they will have to deal with a hell of a lot more oppression and discrimination than Ben (and myself, as his dependent) will. It shouldn't have happened, especially not to Ben because he was absolutely the best person for the position, but if it tips the scales a little bit more toward equality, I think it's a necessary wrong. Dunno how long my stance on that would hold if it happened over and over though, heh.

I am upset over not having money though. I have a veryvery late birthday present for 'Kenzie that has been sitting here and I haven't had the money to send it off, and then Hannah, Kate, Meliae's birthdays went by and I couldn't get anything :-( And then there is the stress of bills hanging over our heads, and the car desperately needs repair... and I need to spend time with Hannah, not want, NEED. I'm not willing to go back to Wal-Mart, and with sharing one car that we can't drive any more than absolutely necessary, getting a job elsewhere is not realistic. We're hoping that Ben gets this other position that just opened up, but he hasn't been interviewed yet so that is up in the air. He said he'd enjoy that one a lot more than the other so we're reeeeeeeeeeally hoping... otherwise we have to scrape by until April when the next management opening comes up. So please pray or send positive energy his way about that, it would make our lives so incredibly much better.

The financial stuff has the effect of leaving me housebound, which is a rather depressing thing for me, especially since I REALLY want to spend time with SabR and Kazi... but I've had positivity come into my life in the form of my friends. Last week my monitor turned very greenish (thank you Murphy), and I told Kazi about it, who told Brian, who drove allllll the way over to give me his extra monitor AND look at my car. I was so happy that he went out of his way for me like that. AND I got my birthday present from Kate!!! I will save describing it for when I have photos but lemme tell you, I am just THRILLED!!!

( ashley/lily stuff )

ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama': ( cut for irrelevance ) and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.

And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!

processing more of my feelings from the breakup with Ashley... I've moved into the final step: assessing what I've learned.

Our relationship was a mentor/mentee relationship for a very long time, which was fine, since I was conscious of the fact that in that sort of relationship, I could not expect anything from her, or ask for anything. During that time, the only thing I got from the relationship was the joy of watching her start to stand on her own two feet. And that was enough -- I knew how it felt to transition alone, and I knew how much guidance would have meant to me when I was first learning to be myself, so I gave to her as a sort of gift back to God/dess for helping me with my own metamorphosis.

(And it's hard to explain what exactly I'm talking about with this 'transition' -- basically, a transition from letting life happen to you, to happening to life. It doesn't fit in linear terms well... the practical part of it was helping her break free of a very abusive relationship with a guy she had planned to marry.)

The problem came in because I had never done this before, and so I didn't really put a lot of thought into WHY she would want to change (beyond breaking up with the guy). I just assumed that she had the same reason as me -- a deep desire to grow and develop for its own sake. I think she did have that desire to some extent, but I think her main purpose was to become what she thought of as a 'better person.' I think she had me on a pedestal, and felt that in order to become this 'better person' she needed to imitate me in every way. I thought she wanted to grow for the purpose of growth itself, but now I think that she wanted to grow because then others would admire her the way she admired me. And I think that while admiring me, she also thought I was 'better' than her, and she resented me for making her feel inferior, even though that was NEVER my feeling or intention. (I believe all humans have infinite worth, and how can one infinity be more than another?) My initial reaction is to want to beat myself up for not seeing this earlier, but that would do no one any good -- and I did start to see it nearing the end, and confronted her about it several times, as gently as I could.

Also, nearing the end, I saw how far she had come and how much she had grown (and I still say it's a lot, even though it's not the same as I initially thought) and I wanted to become real friends with her, move out of mentor/mentee into a more equal relationship. I think that was when she began feeling uncomfortable with the relationship, even though she said it was what she wanted more than anything else in the world. I don't think she was ready for an equal friendship; it panicked her that I was inviting her up onto my 'pedestal.' She didn't want to lose that sense of having someone to turn to for answers that were 'greater' than what she herself could find. I think that when the moment finally came that I needed her to support me, she freaked out because it was a reversal of the roles she was comfortable with.

I now realize that with a mentor/mentee relationship, you can't go straight into an equal friendship, there has to be some distance first, a clear marking of the end of one. The mentee has to come out of the viewpoint of learning from this other person, and be at the point where s/he values her/his own opinions as much as the opinions of her/his former mentor, and that takes some time and distance. Obviously we should keep learning from our friends, but it's a different kind of learning.

This hasn't put me off of mentor/mentee relationships but it has taught me that I will go into the relationship with the expectation that we will NEVER have an equal friendship, and then I won't start hoping for something that can't happen until after the relationship dies. That means a certain amount of distance, but I think still enough room to just have fun. I will also be sure that the person wants guidance to find answers for themselves, not just the answers.

So what I've gained: I'm better able to see when a person wants growth for itself or for other reasons; I understand more how to be a responsible mentor; I learned that when mentoring, I need to be careful to stress breaking from ANY ideal, rather than forming a new one; I learned more how to give without desiring return (because for the majority of it I didn't even desire return) which will benefit all of my relationships; I helped a person get out of an abusive relationship, which benefits the whole world; I learned again that being honest will sometimes cause short-term devastation but after the dust settles I will be far better off. And I learned that my friends love me for ME, and that I am not replaceable or duplicatable, and that I can trust them to be truly honest with me. And as a side effect, I gave up my fixation on having a close-by friend, and poured more energy into the wonderful people who are already in my life (even if I can't hug them every week), and it's been incredible how those relationships have grown.

look closely at my icon -- you can see the shed skin of the dragonfly, and since she is now winged, that is the last metamorphosis: she is a full adult ♥

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea

My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

( important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind

The end of my relationship with Ashley was painful, horrible, for sure, but the more I heal, the more I realize that for some reason, it was necessary. I'm going through a new metamorphosis, shedding all old ways for new ones.

I think that while I was still friends with her, I had a reluctance to invest in most of my other friends because I was so intent on having friends I could see, touch, spend time with. Friends that I could talk with without getting frustrated at some point in every conversation because I can't be with them. So I poured most of my energy into my relationship with Ashley, and the people at work. But then Ashley quit me and I quit work, and now I have all this energy! I just feel so FREE! Not because of the breakup -- that was just the spark to dry, dry tinder. I've lost the fear! (I'm still trying to figure out why the breakup would be a catalyst to losing fear)

For instance, after my first 'coming out' experience with an ex-friend last january (very disappointing), I've been afraid to express my beliefs and feelings about sexuality because, well, I was afraid of being rejected by the queers on my flist. I was afraid my beliefs would be seen as a cop-out, riding the fence -- people always say bisexuals just haven't made up their minds. And some say, if you haven't tried it how can you know? but I know what I feel and I know what I believe. And it's like all my fear just dropped away, and all my thoughts just clicked into perfect place and I sat down and wrote out the entry I've been writing over and over in my head for months. And just posted it, no worry, no second-guessing.

Also, for a long time, I'd been afraid of reaching out. Not because I feared rejection but because I didn't want to have people depend on me and then end up disappointing them. I felt like I had to be everything they wanted, whatever that was. For some reason, I've lost that fear; I've given myself permission to be human, to have connections and be myself instead of 'Dependable Girl.' I think I learned over again that the best I can do isn't enough to carry any relationship -- it's half the other person's responsibility. And that freed me to give 50% instead of trying to carry all relationships on my own. and hey, 50% is FUN! it's when it's 90% that it's a burden.

So I've been actually stepping out, commenting, emailing -- and even talking to people on IM and the phone!!! This is huge for me because I developed a phobia of IMing when I used my old sn and my (abusive, passive aggressive) biofather would IM me EVERY SINGLE TIME I got online, to lecture me because that's the only way he knows to 'communicate' with me. And I had other friends who would IM me to chit-chat -- while I love conversation, I dislike small talk. But now I have the graks to say that I don't feel like talking, or that I want to get offline. And I can trust that they understand that I love them and enjoy talking to them, but I'm not always in the mood. And the phone! honestly, I gotta give kit-kat credit for that, she broke me out of my shell by reaching out first. And once I talked with her and found it SO easy, I felt much more free about calling others. Mind you, I've only called 2 people, but the point is I feel FREE to.

fearless less less!!! I have no fear! I am free! this feels so good! I have no regrets, I feel like I am stronger, bolder, freer every day. I have so many awesome friends I can build relationships with -- what does it matter if they aren't here? I have Ben, Kanika, and soon kittens to cuddle, I'll be fine fanfuckingtastic!!! ♥

I don't really want to post about this because it still gets me so upset, but I need to get it out so I can really move on.

I do not believe in talking about someone behind his/her back; I consider that very disrespectful. Everything I have written about Ashley and everything I will write, I have ALREADY TOLD HER FIRST and usually discussed it multiple times. If I have an issue with someone, I keep it to myself until I discuss it with the primary person. After that, I feel free to discuss it with whomever I want, because it is part of my life and as such the story belongs to me. Usually at that point I have worked out the issue and I include the reconciliation in my telling of the story.

so why not make this public, if I'm not ashamed of what I have to say? because I am feeling too vulnerable and some of our mutual friends have proven to be judgmental against me on this. I do not want them to be able to comment, and I don't want to disable comments because I want to hear whatever you have to say, so I have chosen to filter them out. (((EDIT: I have now made this public because I doubt that any of those friends are going to look this up. Nothing else about this post has been changed, except that I have screened all the comments since they were originally made in confidence, and have set further comments to be screened.)))

( my feelings about how she's treated me; responses to her accusations; the falseness of her claim that she still wanted a relationship; how we were discussing a deeper friendship before all this )

This is the main thing I wanted to express... Basically, Ashley imitates me. If I say I like something, she likes it too; if I love a person she 'loves them' too (she has 30-something mutual friends with me). We are nothing alike, not in spirit or personality or mind, yet she somehow shares all my passions. She quotes me without acknowledging that it was initially my idea. She plagiarizes my personality. For instance, before me, she had no interest in gypsies -- now she's all about them, despite the fact that the gypsy lifestyle doesn't suit her personality at all. She loves security, roots, comfort -- which is the opposite of the gypsy spirit. She has never been fond of purple -- but because I adore it with a passion she does too. I talked to her about my spirituality, how I believe we were with God/dess before coming here -- and she posted about it, without even mentioning that she had gotten the idea from me. ( etc. ) Every time I would mention a friend to her, mention how awesome so-n-so was, she'd show them special attention. I told her that I was so glad that Kate and Hannah were starting to be friends, and she just kinda nodded -- and then posted a comment to Kate the next day saying that very thing! I have a deep passion for people, for understanding them, and I fall in love -- real, deep, passionate love -- and express that, often in superlatives. I'm sure to some it seems fake, but I have a gift of seeing people's spirits, their true selves underneath it all, and when you can see a person as they are at core you can't help but truly love them. She imitated this by being super-affectionate to whomever I was affectionate to or whomever I went on "oh-my-gosh-name-is-so-wonderful" rants about. She would say things that I had said to her about them. This is the thing that bothers me the most because it is such a HUGE part of my life and it's so sacred to me and I feel like she's cheapening it with her imitations. I posted about having had plans with Kristen and later that same day she spent time with her, despite having told me not long ago that she was bothered by Kristen's new life 'principles' and didn't want to be around her.

I am sure that some of that is natural -- friends blend. And I think it was mostly subconscious because she doesn't believe that her own thoughts/opinions/beliefs/actions are good enough. This is not something I am angry about, just something that really bothers me. But it got to the point where I didn't want to tell her anything because she would imitate it, and she usually beat me in posting about it, like with the spirituality thing and the kate-hannah-friendship comment. So then I would feel like people would assume I was imitating HER! and I don't want to express my love for certain people publicly because then I feel she will go after them. Obviously she has broken away from me, so maybe she'll stop. I plan to get over it, either way, and continue being me because no one can be me as well as I can; I know that cerebrally. but then there is the fear -- maybe people like bel-flavored ashley more than Bel herself.

For someone as fiercely individualistic as me, this is especially horrid. I have always loved being me, but now I have this conflicting desire to NOT be me so she can't imitate me.

well, she unfriended me, so I suppose it's over. I would make a whole long post, but the power supply of our computer blew night before last so I'm on a library computer right now and don't have time. So.

and believe me, you guys who have said you want old Bel back, the happy healthy one, ME TOO. And I'm going to get her but it may yet take some time, and there is some messy stuff I have to work through first. (I think I'll start putting all this ashley stuff under lj-cuts though) Thank you for being there for me. ♥ Much love to everyone who showed me support, you've no idea how much it means.

I don't remember the order these were in...

I was in a strange steel & glass building, and I was naked (which is normal for me so might not have the usual connotation). I was upset about something, staring outside into the dark (it was night). Ashley saw me, came up behind me and grabbed me, one hand on my side and the other on my breast, and started rubbing and squeezing me. I was freaked out and yelped, "what are you doing? Stop that!" but she said, "No, you need comfort so I am going to do this" and I said, "That doesn't help, stop!" but she would not listen -- she seemed angry and held on to me despite my frantic tries to get away. She said something like, "Since this is the way you want it, this is the way you're going to get it." Finally we were locked at a standstill where she couldn't rub me but I couldn't get away, and Mike (Ashley's boyfriend (I think)) came up to us. He reached out and ran his hand over my hair, and we were both shocked, Ashley let go and stepped back, and I just looked at him, completely astonished by his compassion and tenderness. Then he ran his hand over my hair again and I grabbed the front of his shirt with my hands and buried my face in his chest and cried so hard I woke myself up.

another scene... I was in the woods with some girl, slim but not resembling anyone I know, and we were in danger, we were escaping something. She fell into a hole and landed on a ledge not too far below the forest floor, but next to her the hole got hundreds of miles deep. So I tried to carefully get myself to where I could reach her without falling in or having us both fall. When I finally grabbed her hand I realized she had been in quicksand and it had sucked half of her down, and she hadn't said anything, maybe because she thought it would unnerve me and make me fall. But I was able to pull her out, and pull us both back up to the forest floor.

In the last one I was with Ben's family & we were all outside around a campfire at night, far away from civilization. Dana was there also, but other than that it was just the family... as I watched them interact and set up, I thought to myself that they would never be good nomads because they wouldn't be able to fit more than 2 to 3 hours of travel in per day, with the way that they linger. (there were wagons and horses, I think this was supposedly back in time) I don't really know what that meant. I ended up having conversation with Rebecca and Dana, and Dana showed Rebecca some of her tools (she was a fortuneteller of some sort). I expected Rebecca to react with shock and horror but she reacted with interest, poring through them and playing with them. One was a tube of some kind of magical tea or something, and I poured it into hot water and drank it, tiny bits at a time. The rest of the dream is fuzzy, but I remember preparing tea for a lot of people, using normal-sized mugs to teeny mugs, and being so disappointed that no one bothered with the teeny mugs, they wanted the large ones instead.

(I'll probably keep screening comments on all posts that mention ashley or lily until the matter is resolved.)

leafwhimsy hasn't responded to my email (says she's too busy with exams to process) and alariya hasn't responded to the last few texts I have sent her. I feel like I am hanging in midair, directionless... This is very upsetting. Especially Ashley ignoring my texts, because she doesn't have anything that I know of that would keep her from responding. I wish I just knew how they felt and what they want. Maybe it's situational, for leafwhimsy at least, but whatever it is, it's not fair to me to be ignored. If you want my friendship, at least say that. if you don't, at least say THAT! They're spending so much time with each other -- obviously they HAVE the time to tell me what they want, they just choose not to. Everything else is more important.

made a similar post last night but felt that I'd be attacked, so deleted it. At this point, if they want to attack me, I say let them. It's better than waiting endlessly for a response. (comments are screened)

This was friends-locked, but I changed my mind.

So, leafwhimsy came down. And all kinds of wonderful things happened at first, but I can't write about them right now. Despite all the wonderfulness of spending time with her, I was dealing with a lot of shit already. My parents are terrible and my sister is suffering, and I NEED to do something but have no idea what!; my cat ran away and it's winter and she has no idea how to handle the outdoors; I haven't been able to get in contact with Hannah for a week; Ben hurt me really badly the other day and even though he's been wonderful since, I'm still recovering; and then Saturday I went to visit my old house and show leafwhimsy the trees, and one of my trees was dead. You would have to understand my connection with trees to get how much that hurt -- I felt like I'd gone to see an old friend at her house, anticipating a wonderful time, and found her skeleton sitting in a chair.

( and then I broke )

and I quit my job yesterday. I almost deleted my journal -- I still might. I just don't have the strength for anything.

I can't remember ever having so many deeply painful things happen in so short a time. All I can say is please pray for me or send positive energy or think kindly toward me. I'm falling apart.

Last night I had a long chat with leafwhimsy (a very close friend of alariya's and casual friend of mine) . She's coming down to visit tomorrow, and she and Alariya are both thrilled. I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. I feel like I have to hold leafwhimsy at a distance because she's Alariya's friend, mainly, and I don't want to put myself in where I'm not wanted, for one, and I don't want to fall in love with leafwhimsy either because then I suspect I'd get jealous of them both, and it's bad enough as it is. I've known that Alariya's given a lot of her heart to leafwhimsy, and up 'til now I've dealt with that by just not thinking about it, but now it's impossible. I'm greedy because Alariya's really the only physically & emotionally close friend I have right now, the only one on the same wavelength AND in the same geographic area. I don't want to share. And obviously I know that this is not a healthy attitude but I sure as hell don't pretend to be perfect. And my heart doesn't listen to reason. All I can think about is that I am so lonely for true companionship, and (except Alariya of course) all of the friends whom I could have that with live miles and miles away. The two I miss the most live an OCEAN away.

These feelings are so dirty and messy and petty. I'm a greedy little girl whining because she can't have a lollipop. That's how I feel anyway. or maybe I'm a broken little girl crying because she's starving. I'm not sure which is the true picture. and how can I hurt so much when I have such unbelievably wonderful people in my life?

There are ways that leafwhimsy and I overlap that I have never found in anyone else, which would thrill me in any other situation but in this one they just make me sad.

And I'm sure that part of my reaction is because my partner and I had a 'fight' I guess you could call it. I was hurting because I felt like our relationship was hopeless, and I said something about him not loving me and just doing nice things out of guilt, and he got angry that I would question his motives and left me alone in the bedroom. I cried and cried... he started to watch a movie in the other room and then about 10 minutes later he came in and talked to me for a long time. I was very upset that he left me when he knew I was hurting enough to cry (which I rarely do, for myself, though I cry easily at movies, books, etc.) We finally got to the point where I'd forgiven him enough to let him hug me, but my feelings aren't gone. I still don't understand why we're together. It seems like neither of us feels especially affectionate toward the other. I love and admire him -- I could list a million reasons why he's wonderful -- but I don't get anything out of the relationship, and he said the other day that he didn't either. Last night he said that wasn't true and he DID get a lot out of it, that he had had a wrong mindset and now he doesn't feel that way but I have a hard time believing him. Lately it's been happening that he'll do something wonderful and then later that same day he'll do something that cuts me to the quick. And I know he's stressed out, but there are some things that I believe one should never allow oneself to do no matter what the circumstance. It should not be in your mental list of options. Such as ignoring a person because they made you mad -- even if they did something wrong, they are still a person and should not be treated as if they don't exist. If someone asks a question and you don't want to answer it you can just say, "I don't want to answer," and then you are still respecting their existence.

He said he doesn't see things the way he used to and he's changing. He said he gets positivity out of the relationship and he will make sure I do too. I don't have the strength to just believe in that. I'll try to keep myself open to the possibility but I can't bring myself to accept it as fact.

This feels very strange. Up 'til now I've never really posted about issues between my partner and me, partly because while they're at the worst I don't have the energy and when they're over they seem obsolete, and partly because my partner used to be a very private person and didn't want me to post anything negative for fear that my friends would hate him. But he has told me repeatedly that he doesn't have a problem with it at all anymore so I'm taking him at his word.

Before I became friends with Hannah and Alariya, I used to daydream about meeting some girl with whom I'd just click, and we'd be best friends from that moment on, both totally understanding and adoring each other. It was how I kept myself interested in people, because without those daydreams I'd have to face the sad fact that practically everyone I met would be so totally opposite of me in her/his philosophy on life that we wouldn't even be able to communicate in any real way. Thank God/dess for LJ. Seriously. It's the only way I've known to meet people who live consciously or honestly. I know I say it a lot, but my friends list reads like a who's who of awesomeness. You guys are amazing, and I feel lucky beyond words to have found you.

Which is why I am SO weirded out by the fact that tomorrow I am meeting someone who might possibly be just as awesome -- and she lives nearby! Ashley met her in a Wal-mart by complimenting her on her hair, they started talking and OMG she sounds fascinating, so tomorrow Ashley and I are going to her house!!! I'm thrilled -- and terrified. What if she's not openminded? though from what Ashley says that seems impossible. What if she isn't passionate or creative? though hello, Aquarius! *eeeeeeee* *shiver* *nerves explode*

List of fascinating qualities known so far: Aquarius, very spiritual -- goes to a methodist church & does palm readings, native american, bisexual & married, bellydances?, agrees with belief that we chose our lives before we were born, is (obviously) very open to new people and sharing her life...

If we become friends of course I will convert her to LJ. if possible, that is, she has 3 kids. :-\

I still feel overwhelmed... everyone who is closest to my heart is going through world-shattering things, and I want so much to be there for each of them, but... Hannah lives an ocean away, what can I do? I try but I know all the words in the world can never give as much as a truefelt hug, and that I am cruelly unable to do. Alariya I can be there for, and I do, but all I can do is alleviate a little of the pain and offer her a glimpse of the light in the future -- this is a battle that she must fight within herself. My wonderful Jalshammon (Ben), is starting to live consciously, starting to be more open, and that gives me such hope and pain at the same time because I'd gotten used to living without much sharing in our relationship and seeing this thing I hadn't dared to dream of come within sight, I realize how much I want and need that and how much it hurts that I haven't yet had it. That's a post of its own.

Work is infuriating (and I bite my temper but I know my face shows it), but I finally got my schedule turned in the proper way (a week and a half ago I turned it in but I did it wrong), so it will change soon and I think I will be able to handle the CSMs if I don't have to deal with them so often. In the meantime I'll be looking elsewhere. Still don't have a phone yet.

I haven't been spending much of my energy on myself, just giving out out out and I know I need to be kinder to myself but it's hard... especially since most of my subsconscious energy is spent worrying about Hannah, how can I think of my things when she is suffering so? It's horrible having nothing to offer when my soulfriend is in such need.

I need someone to just hold me and pet my hair and listen to me pour out feelings -- never speaking, just silently loving. I need... rest. yes, I need rest so much. I need a safe place to lay down and feel negativity wash from me with streams of music. I need to be refilled, I feel like I've been pouring endlessly lately and I can actually handle spending that energy (!) but even so I need rest.

was thinking about including music recomendations more often in my LJ, which would interest you more? If you don't care either way, please don't respond. ( which way should I do it? )

Recently the song of my life has been Speak To Me by Olive.
speak to me // nothing will help more than your honesty
give to me // knowledge that I can show some sympathy

I ♥ hannah. I love hannah. HELLO WORLD I LOVE HANNAH!!!!!!!! and Alariya!!!

OMG I have the best friends, the best people! in my life. I'm so fucking lucky! no, blessed! Thank you God/dess! (I don't believe God has gender so until I come up with a good name for her/him I will use the both-gender version) My lover and husband frenetik, my soulfriend shmee_, my heart-sister alariya, my wonderful amazing lj-friends (I started to list but it got ridiculously long!)... I really do have the best people in my life. Hey! That's my superwoman talent! I draw fascinating people. ;-D

I've been spending a lot of time with alariya lately, which has been sad and painful because of what she's going through, but also amazing because we've really connected in a way we hadn't before. She's really wonderful and I have grown to respect her more and more as she has taken the reins of her life and begun to make conscious choices everyday.

( photo )

(doesn't she look amazing in pink?) She came over Wednesday night and I made her that awesome bracelet ^ -- it's the most meaningful jewelry I've ever made, and what a fantastic idea! *pats self on back* She chose each bead to represent a pain in her life, a wound that needs acknowledgement and healing, and I strung them on wire and linked them together. As she grows and heals from each wounding, we will replace each black bead with a colorful one representing the good that she gained from the experience. She posted about it here if you're curious. (the ribbon is part of the bracelet btw) I am thinking of hunting down some violet ribbon and making myself a meaningful bracelet, not the same meaning but very symbolic...

And Hannah, oh my wonderful girl, well, we had a conflict earlier from a misunderstanding that hurt me, and she was so patient with my fear (I was terrified that she would be angry at me or reject me for feeling the way I felt), just kept on and on pursuing and didn't give up until I eventually got the courage to tell her what it was, and then we talked it out and she was so understanding and apologetic (though she didn't actually do anything wrong) and now I am suffused with hannah-love. ♥ She's truly... shimmering. beautiful glorious shimmering girl ♥

...and I'm still feeling uplifted from Angelina's dream-visit. ♥ ♥ ♥

alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...

alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.

So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. ( about SabR and Kazi )

Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.

I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters": ( the end of a road that I have followed... ) As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.

So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul": ( be still my dreams, lay beside me ) This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.

Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel": ( free restraint and struggle no more! ) This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.

I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"

And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥

Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.

I have been feeling soooooo overwhelmed the past few days.

Work has been terrible because the CSMs have been awful to me lately ( ... ) I am stressed the fuck out -- every day I am clinging to every minute I have off and dreading going to work, it's ruling my thoughts. I'm also just sick of not having time with my partner, sick of having my schedule decided by a computer, sick of being dictated to.

This makes me question myself. Am I just lazy? I work my ass off when I'm at work and do my very best -- customers are always complimenting me (especially on my patience, heh). But I hate going to work. I don't want to work anywhere that decides my timetable, which really puts a limit on possible employers. I don't think I can stay working for more than a year at a time, unless it's at something where I decide my schedule.

I am very jealous of my time -- I think more than anyone that I know, I really enjoy every minute of doing what I decide to do. Even tidying up, I enjoy that when I get the urge on my own and do it to please myself. I am never bored -- NEVER. I just enjoy creating, reading, living, dreaming.

And more and more lately, I've wanted to give to my partner, because he's been giving to me. ♥ But I have no energy left. I know that Ashley's and my mom's and my little sis' and uncle's situations are not my responsibility, but I know how it feels to question yourself when you've been a victim, and I feel that I need to be that voice of assurance. It's hell, HELL, to be unsure of the truth in such a painful situation, when the truth is SO obvious but this person that you trusted is telling you that it's lies. I don't mind giving that, not at all, I feel it is such an important use of my time and energy, but I resent the fact that my remaining energy is spent on worrying about work.

Money is tight. I think we could live off of my partner's current paycheck but I need to sit down with him and see. He says go ahead and quit, but that's scary, not knowing the future, not wanting to feel trapped. If you have spare positive energy, please pray/send thoughts that he will get this promotion and that the pay increase is immediate -- we'd both be amazingly relieved, it would do wonders. *sigh* Imagine, time and energy! Oh it makes me shiver.

And my eyes. I have GPC (eyes allergic to their own protein) and a bacterial infection, which means that I can't wear contacts for at least three weeks and we don't have money for new glasses so I'm wearing my 10-year-old prescription, scratched up, blurry glasses. I hate not being able to see, and I hate these glasses because they feel like a wall between me and the world. I feel hidden, I think because I used to hide behind them. Damn. I've had these since I was 13, that seems so weird. And they don't suit my personality or my face at all. I found a pair that are SO me and look SO good on me -- they're rimless on the bottom, PURPLE, and angular, very artistic! -- but they're 180 just for the frames, plus at least 110 for the lenses. *sigh* so I will just suffer along in these for three weeks (unless my partner gets the promotion *hopes*) and then go back to contacts. Eventually I'd like to get them.

and now for some utterly irrelevant photos! the Wednesday before last I had a spurt of creative energy and made a new pair of earrings for the first time in FOREVAH. They took forever, especially since I have no wire jig (next time I have money for frivolosity, I am SO buying one!) but they're so worth it. They're amazing, I'm completely infatuated and took a million photos ( but you only get twelve photos of my stunning black shell coin earrings )

and I miss hannah so much it hurts, but I try not to think about that.

We waited at the airport for hours, my neck getting increasingly sore from craning to spot her, scanning every girl's face who was remotely her height because I was paranoid that I wouldn't recognize her, and of course the second I walk away to get food because I'm faint from not having eaten all day, she shows up. So I come back with my hands full and am disconcerted when Ben isn't where I left him, my heart starts beating fast, I look around and there she is! I recognize her immediately and am completely blown away by how much more beautiful she is in real life than she is in photos (she said she'll never forget the surprised, delighted look on my face). A photo can only capture a fleeting glimpse of a person, and it can be an incredibly telling glimpse, but it is so weak compared to the real thing. She smiles excitedly and runs over and throws her arms around me, and I hug her back hard, utterly overwhelmed. That moment is emblazoned on my soul. ♥ In a minute we go over to the luggage claim, holding hands and grinning at each other, barely able to speak... and on the ride home we cuddled in the car, instantly comfortable with loving touch. She lay in my lap and I traced her face with my fingers, not yet able to believe that she was really there... We were both so exhausted (me emotionally, her both emotionally and physically after the 10-hour flight) that we went to sleep shortly after we got home, relaxed enough to be naked together after less than an hour. Oh -- but before we went to sleep I gave her a bunch of gifts that I had intended to mail but didn't, including the chenille throw that I had written on in dye pen, and she loooooooooved it. I don't think she could have loved it any more if I had actually finished it (I only finished writing along one end). It made me so happy that it meant so much to her! ( hannah cuddling the blanket )

The next morning I had to go for a pelvic sonogram, which Ashley sweetly drove me to, and Hannah came along of course. We were all ( glittery and giggling ) in the waiting room -- I think we offended the elderly couple waiting there, pish tush to them. When the nurse called my name I asked if they could come along and she seemed to think that was a strange request but she agreed easily. Then while I was on the table with my very full bladder (apparently that makes things more visible, ugh) the nurse informed me that the doctor wanted me to have a vaginal ultrasound too. So, to the tune of many jokes from Ashley and laughter from us (especially the nurse, who has never had so much fun with such a simple procedure, I'm sure), I had the completely unexpected joy of inserting a probe up my *ahem* and then having my insides prodded and poked -- with an audience. I don't think many people would be comfortable with that -- one of the reasons I love the three of us. ;-D It was actually fun!

Afterward we went to Hardee's and Hannah learned that in America, a biscuit is not a cookie. She thought the sausage biscuits and cinnamon raisin biscuits were delicious! Then Ashley took us to Boling Park and we went on a lushly sunny, hot, green barefoot walk to the A-bridge in the woods. We mostly walked beside the pathway because we have tender feet (especially me *shame*) and at one crossing Ashley just picked me up and walked me across the path! Hannah snapped photos. ;-) On the way back from the bridge (which was quite amazing) Hannah imitated Kanika's 'horny dance' (she was in heat) and didn't realize until AFTERWARDS that there were two guys behind her! We laughed and laughed and she fake-scowled at us for not telling her (we really hadn't noticed). She actually does a very good impression of Kanika! Just before we left we rolled down the hill... SO fun, haven't done that since before I had breasts!

( lush, hot greenery and three amazing women )

Hannah and I dropped Ashley off at work since she offered to let us have the car, but when we got home we started talking and ended up talking forever and then to taking a shower. It's so wonderful to be with a fellow nudist -- honest and comfortable (and it saves time and water). *happy sigh* Then we went through my entire closet and I gave her everything that didn't fit me but fit her -- we have very similar taste and she's the same size I was for a long time. It was so easy to let it go when I knew it was going to her, and that she looked so incredible in everything I gave her. She had to get another bag to get it all home though. ( me in my favorite dress, which I had to show her -- this was before I picked up her photoaddiction or there would have been photos of her trying stuff on, grr. )

then hannah gave me a soulfriendship ring!!!!! ( reflection of openness ) It's actually a half of one ring -- the two can be worn together to form a marquise shape. I can't even express how much I love this ring, it's my favorite piece of jewelry by far and possibly my favorite possession. She chose it because it represents our soulfriendship and the similarity of our twin violet spirits -- we are separate, but also one. I love the shape -- it seems so open to me, and for whatever reason it really looks to me like an Egyptian on a nile boat, which I see as being symbolic of hannah and I making the journey of life together. I also love it just as a work of art -- a mixture of delicate complexity (the stone) and strong simplicity (the band). And I love the fact that it is so incredibly unique. And I love that it is silver and amethyst! and that the amethyst has flashes of vivid violet in its depths. And I love the texturizing of the flat side of the band, which says to me that the journey won't be smooth, yet we will still be one. And I love the fact that it means as much to her as it does to me and she wears it every day. ♥

Then we picked Ashley up from work and Ben and Ashley and Hannah and I went to my favorite restaurant and had deliiiiiiiicious food (and Hannah ate about a pound of jalapenos!). I was so happy that Hannah loved it. ( photos on the way there and at the restaurant ) Afterwards we went home and (the three girls) had a deep conversation about past relationships and how amazing it is that we have found each other. Tears are so refreshing when there is someone who is honored to wipe them away and cuddle you.

Saturday was a really short day -- we got up late, went to the mall (to shop in Torrid and Fredericks of Hollywood) for a few hours, came home and went back to bed. I think we were both worn out from the day before, and being in the mall atmosphere didn't help. Malls are so full of people trying to project an image that doesn't reflect their true selves at all, while judging themselves (and therefore everyone else) so harshly. And everyone walks around in their detachment bubbles, ignoring their human need for connectedness out of fear of rejection and judgement. UGH! But anyway, Hannah was upset and I didn't realize because I was in a sort of detachment bubble myself, and that hurt her, and then when I realized I felt terrible but we pretty quickly worked it out and went straight to sleep. (that wasn't one of the 'fights,' in case you were wondering) The trip wasn't a total loss though, because Hannah got a fabulous purple bra and gouchos and a skirt from Torrid and we both got these AMAZING black dresses which were used in the formal photoshoot, so you shall see them eventually.

Consider this icon a preview of the formal photoshoot post. ;-D

Where to start? Where do you start to tell a lifetime of emotions packed into 18 days? I haven't processed hardly anything, I feel like I am swimming in a sea of emotions that are so blended I can't tell where any of them begin -- and none of them end. So much happened! We were so exhausted by the end that we spent the last three days just kinda laying around. It was all so God, so incredibly planned (though when my plans went awry I freaked out, twice -- strange because I'm usually not so structure-oriented). I am so excited to write about all of it! And we have photos to go with EVERYTHING we did -- over SIX THOUSAND photos, no joke. Including a 'formal' photoshoot, those turned out amaaaaaaaaazing. And hilarious videos but I dunno if Hannah will give me permission to post those (go bug her and mebbe she will). She is SO funny, she had Ben and I laughing all the time. (and all of the videos are accompanied by my giggling)

It was just so mind-alteringly amazing. Everything was intensified -- I felt like there was a violet glow on everything all the time. Hannah and I have color concepts which are very similar (and hopefully I'll explain mine soon) and we consider us both violet spirits. We're especially alike in intensity -- it's hard to explain but basically everything has meaning, and I mean everything. We're both very intense separately, and it's exponentially increased when we're together. We went through unutterable pain and incredible joy on this visit. I've learned so much.

I feel like I've gone through not just one but several metamorphoses and I no longer have any clue what I look like -- hopefully my slow chronicling of the visit will help me process. I've changed so much! I believe Hannah has too. Our relationship is amazingly intense anyway, and we red-lined it by spending 24 hours a day together -- craziness.

Even though so much amazingly positive stuff happened, I think the most important part was the fact that we weathered two dreadfully painful 'fights.' I'm not sure what to call them because they weren't angry, mostly, and they were so intense that to call them fights seems to demean the feeling of them. I don't remember ever being in that much pain... and yet, though I wounded her and vice versa, we made it through, stronger and loving each other more. But I don't want to go deeply into that right now because that's a whole post unto itself.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! I want to add pics but there are SO MANY!!! *brain explodes* I have to run others by hannah for approval, so for now you get just one three, sorry:

( 1 ashleyhannahbel and 2 belhannahs! )

Hannah's visit OMG!!!!!!!! TWENTY-FOUR DAYS!!!!!!!!!! She's bought the tickets, I've gotten the time off work, it's all set into motion and actually happening, OMG OMG. Can you IMAGINE how exciting??? To put it into normal-people terms, it's like you've met the wo/man of your dreams and talkedtalkedtalked and now you are finally getting to meet her/him. Soulfriendship is like a marriage. I can't believe it, I live in kind of a daze, I think about it all the time. But it doesn't seem quite real! It's too magical and fairy-tale-like. So plans! Yes:

27 Th --- Ben and I get hannah from the airport, she falls asleep from exhaustion (most likely). if she manages to sleep on the plane, we may go see Ben's musician friend play a show?
28 Fr --- watch foxfire and OF COURSE Playing By Heart!!! 8pm dinner with Ashley (and Ben) @ El Ranchero
29 Sa --- church visit (with Ben), visit green couch!
30 Su -*- Threegirls day! salon day, hopefully, with cutting and dying for free!
31 Mo -*- ((Ashley and Hannah day))
1 Tu --- possibly visit the dryads at my old house, go to park to blow bubbles and turn cartwheels
2 We --- visit the Book Exchange from 4:30-6pm, art projects!!! *plots*
3 Th --- Niki Nights @ ATL Botanical Gardens from 9-10pm (with Ben)
4 Fr --- more art projects!!!
5 Sa --- photoshoot with storeyphoto? (with Ben)
6 Su -*- threegirls day! Waterfalls! hopefully we find a place to skinnydip!
7 Mo --- Georgia Aquarium from 1-5pm (with Ben)
8 Tu --- Funk Heritage Center @ Reinhardt from 1-4pm (with Ben)
9 We --- (full moon!) Helen visit (tubing & shopping), head out at 10am -- possibly change day for weather (with Ben)
10 Th --- lazy day, watch Something New
11 Fr --- possible TATTOOing!
12 Sa --- lazy day, 5pm evening with Ashley!
13 Su --- hannah leaves. :-( I'm already dreading this, which is why I asked off a few days AFTER she leaves. I expect to be BEYOND lonely for at least a day.

I used to have no defense when faced with someone saying negatives about me, but now it's so easy. I am loved, loved for who I am. There are people who know me, truly know me and don't have misconceptions -- and they would scoff at those negatives, shake their heads at the delusions of the speaker. Because of their belief in me, I have the strength to try and believe in myself. One day I will be able to wholeheartedly trust my own beliefs: until that day, I gratefully draw on the powerful trust of my glorious friends.

My friendship with alariya has deepened and grown phenomenally in the past two months. I think it started growing because I became soulfriends with Hannah, and that filled a place in my heart that has been achingly empty since I was born, and I simply had more love to give. Also, I realized just how amazing Ashley has been for the past year, and how incredibly much she has matured, and most importantly, I realized that my Analariya is willing to grow and change, for her own sake first and also for the sake of friendship. That is a rare quality, and one that I have learned is essential to deep friendship. I had always thought of our differences, how completely opposite in personality we are and how clashing some of our mindsets are, but I have now realized that commonality is not the primary ingredient for deep friendship. For goodness sake, Ben and I have NOTHING in common (personality and interests-wise), yet we have the most intense, glowing soulfriendship and marriage. The only similarity that I see as necessary for a deep friendship is in the manner of living; Ashley and I both believe that we are here to develop spiritually, and we both believe that the only way to true growth is by increasing in honesty, openness, and love. All surface differences fade away next to that, and we see each other as sisters, walking through the intricate jungle of life, seeing things from similar vantage points and yet interpreting completely differently, and learning from each other's perspective. We're not walking the same path, but our paths cross often enough that we feel connected.

We've been meeting Tuesday nights; it's become a little ritual for us. We sometimes go out, but usually she comes over in the evening, and we get naked and sit together, eating carrots (and occasionally fruit) and talking about our lives. There is something very free and honest about being unclothed together. There are no pretenses, no hiding. It's not mere symbolism; there is something spiritual about it. I think eating together is powerful too, in a lesser way, because it's an outward expression of the nourishment that we give each other.

Our meetings do more than affirm and build our friendship -- they are an expression of our femininity. We learn from each other what it means to really be a woman, not just a female. We cuddle, we laugh and cry and are completely expressive, we create new ideas by blending our individual ones. This sisterhood is not girly or transitory, to be shrugged off in favor of adult things -- it is permanent, and we both feel that it is just the beginning of a lifelong mission.

there's all this happy stuff I want to post about, but today has been such a painful day.

( pre-today leftover emotions, missing Ren Fest )

( our goal as humans is to love )

THEN we went to church, and I got very upset with the sermon, so afterward I went up to talk to Pastor John. One of the main points of his sermon was that 'reaching the lost' was our highest calling as humans. I told him that I think that is 80% correct, that sharing our truth with others and helping them find God was a huge part of our main calling, but that our primary purpose is simpler -- just to love. I believe sharing truth is a huge part of love, but it is not all, and it is not the most important thing. I referred to Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." The verb in these commandments, the commandments that replace old testament, is LOVE. And Jesus himself said that there was NO GREATER COMMANDMENT. That should be pretty clear! Love is primary, love is first, love encompasses anything and everything. The Bible also says, "God is Love" -- how then can there be ANYTHING greater than love??? to say so is to say that something is greater than God. 1 John 4:7-8 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." LOVE is our calling, our purpose, our reason for life! PJ listened at first, nodding as I spoke of the importance of love, but when I said it was more important than 'reaching the lost' he didn't agree.

He started talking about being 'fruitful' and went on for a bit about how he had seen more people get saved since he gained his new way of looking at the goal of life, and I realized that we have a fundamental difference. I don't love people with the goal of leading them to Jesus, I love them for the sake of the God that made them and the amazing, phenomenal, unique, incredibly valuable spirit that they are. Whether or not they turn to Jesus is NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY. That is THEIR choice -- my responsibility is just to offer as much love as I can, and if they ask, to tell them what I know of how to reconnect with God.

( then he said some stuff that hurt, though I don't think he intended to hurt at all )

Ben and I had loooooooooong twisting painful conversation about all of it, but ended up with supporting each other and realizing that we are both on the cusp of major change. He's such an amazing husband, without him I just wouldn't be. And he's growing so much.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! *dancedancedance*

Saturday morning I woke up and had an urge to get my hair cut -- not the cut I had been thinking of, but something more Alice-y -- and dyed, so I called up my lovely Analariya and asked if she minded if we spent our day doing that. She thought it was a great idea, so off we went to get my first real haircut (I've only ever had trims before) and my first dye job. I told the hairdresser that I wanted something "chunky and messy and weird" and what I ended up with was a perfect blend of my previous idea and the new oddness that I had thought of. It suits me soooooo well -- Chris is a genious, I tell you. It was pricey -- by far the most I have ever spent on mere vanity -- but OH so worth it. I think I am going to be a haircut/dye junkie now. *eeshk*

ANDDDDD the vibrant color is SSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO perfect! *danceX80million* I've worked twice since I got it done, and had unanimous compliments from EVERYONE who has seen it, tons and tons of coworkers! Even Miss K, Ben's mom, liked the cut -- though she may need a while to get used to the color.

I had no idea hair could make such a huge difference -- and not just in my appearance! As Chris was cutting, I watched in the mirror and saw myself growing more confident, more free. This is so ME, so Bel, as Ben (or was it Alariya?) said. But I think it was like a completion of something already begun -- the old me would never have just decided, "I'll get my hair cut/dyed today" especially not in an unplanned style, and definitely would not have let the stylists just do their thing with the cut and color. And old me would have felt too awkward to go back in search of Chris to tell her I thought she had fabulous legs (I believe that if you think something nice about someone you should tell them, and she did have amazing legs). New me thought, "Okay self, do you really want to give up this opportunity to encourage someone for the sake of a tiny bit of discomfort?" and realized that the answer was "definitely not."

( proudly makeupless me, my amazing hair and my favorite pair of earrings )

I have the best. friends. ever. ♥ (more to come if I manage to get up early enough.) also...

Ideas have bottlenecked in my brain. So much I want to say! Aish.

( I've been thinking over past friendships... )

I don't know why I wanted to write this... I felt the need to process my losses, I suppose. I think they have been heavy on my subconscious lately, which is why I have felt so terribly lonely. I feel like going out on the street with a sign that says, "be my friend?" Something, anything, I need love.

Actually, I think I know why all of this is so fresh. I'm wanting to commit my heart to another, and my heart is saying to me, "You know it's going to end in abandonment" and I struggle to believe that the joy is worth the pain. At the core, I believe that, but so much of me just cringes and says, "Please don't make me walk through the fire again." And part of me says that it is impossible to have a long-distance soulfriendship... while the other part says that I've done it twice before, it's difficult but not anywhere near impossible. I'll just have to get my hugs and such from Ben -- but that makes me want to cry because he doesn't enjoy cuddling and I don't want just sympathy cuddles, I want the kind I give, the kind that is given because you just can't help it, it's natural. Why can't I have a nearby friend? Somebody cuddly move here please. :-(

I've been thinking a lot about friendships... Allison and Rebecca and Kaylene and Ashley and Anika and Hannah and Kate and Aubrey... all running through my head. I don't know what my subconscious is trying to process... I'm feeling like giving up on some people (though I really don't think I am capable of that) -- not you who are currently part of my life, but...

Kaylene, whom I just... I don't know. She emailed me the day that Anika arrived on her visit, so I didn't really have a chance to think about it. She told me the very basic facts of her life now -- and she has obviously come so far! -- and I am happy for her, but my insecurity kicks in and says, "she doesn't want to rebuild anything, you never meant as much to her as she did to you, you were stupid to love her so much." And the other part of me says "love is never a waste, and the time you had with her is sacred and can never be taken away, and if you really want to reconnect, why the FUCK haven't you emailed her back?" And my other OTHER self, the one that makes decisions, is confused and says nothing.

Rebecca. My best friend for five years, my whole world, the one I would have suffered ANYTHING for, the one who I poured my soul into and trusted completely, the one who I thought I would be soul-bonded with forever... we never talk. She hasn't asked me to be a bridesmaid yet, and I don't think she is going to. I totally understand that, since we aren't close or even friends really, but I thought that if she ever got married (which she insisted she wouldn't) I'd be her maid of honor (though even then I wondered if she'd choose elya over me). It hurts to be left out, even at this point. Especially since I asked her to be mine, purely out of honor for the friendship that we used to have (we weren't any closer 2 years ago than we are now, probably less, actually). I don't know what I want with her... I don't even know who she is now. For no good reason, I feel betrayed and hurt. And yes, it does bother me that (from what I have heard) she suggested that I stay with Ashley on Rebecca's wedding day (because for a while they planned on the same day, until Ashley moved hers). I suppose I don't really deserve to be treated any differently, but it still bothers me. I'm so disposable.

Allison is busybusybusy... I understand that she has to concentrate on organizing her life and plans for the future, but knowing that doesn't make me any less lonely... Anika is busybusybusy too, with school and husband and rebuilding self... Ashley's busy, Kate doesn't have internet, Aubrey's busy, Hannah lives an ocean away and is usually busy but made time for me this week ♥ ♥ ♥ thank you lovely ♥... There are so many wonderful people in my life but no one has time to invest in me. I take that back -- some of you DO invest in me and I love you so much for it, but I want more, I want conversations and (if physically possible) cuddles and outings. I'm so lonely.

I have been investing a LOT in Ben this week... I'd list it but then I'd feel stupid because it wouldn't look like a lot, but it WAS because it was stuff that I don't really like to do that means a lot to him. But he wants me to be excited about him, and I just can't, when he's all stressed and thus distant and scary-irritable. And I'm afraid that he's going to be all upset that I wrote that in here but I'm so tired of keeping it all to myself. Sometimes he's not perfect, dammit, and I ought to be able to admit that. He does try, and that is the important thing, but it doesn't always make me feel better. And I need more. I need understanding and sweet touches and I need him not to dump his worries on me. Share? yes; dump? no. There is a difference. And he says that one of his favorite things about me is that I don't go telling others about his mistakes, but I'm tired tired tired of that! I hate keeping secrets and it's either talk about only the strife that's my fault or don't talk about it at all and I'm tired of listing my faults and I'm tired of keeping silent about the thing that my life revolves around. And this is starting to get stream-of-consciousness and run-on so I should stop now before I write a million more words.

So! I have no photos of the visit (sorry to disappoint! but we did reschedule for March) for several reasons -- most importantly, we procrastinated and then Anika and I synched up cycle-wise and spent most of the last day in serious discomfort (how's that for fast synching?) -- but I'm going to try to put some of my favorite moments into words. (and Anika, you better not take the easy way out again and just link to my post! I want to read YOUR perspective)

( monday -- Anika arrives )

( tuesday -- mexican with Ashley, talk on homosexuality )

( wednesday -- Rebecca is awesome )

Thursday I had to work again, which was kinda a good thing because Anika needed some alone time. That night we watched Foxfire, which I can never see without crying -- and I just broke down. Like I mentioned, Anika's presence brought up my repressed desires for a soulfriend, and watching Foxfire just intensified that exponentially. So I cried and cried and went completely incoherent and then finally composed myself enough to express to Anika what I wanted. I told her that I don't necessarily want her to be willing to throw her life away for me, I just want to know if she has experienced that desire, that incredibly deep burning desire for TRUE friendship, the kind that says, "hmm -- my dreams, or sharing more life with my friend? eh, I can get new dreams, or pursue them later." Because no one has ever so much as admitted to having that desire. The first time I posted about it, someone on my friends list (no longer around) took me to task for desiring it, saying that soulfriends as I define them do not exist and that I should stop being so sentimental and be satisfied with lesser connections. To that, I now say with confidence: Bullshit. Just because you choose to live less intensely does not mean that my intensity is silly or wrong or crazy or a waste. I found what I was looking for -- Anika has also wanted that. I am not alone in my passion for deep connections.

Anika expressed that she had been going through so much that she didn't know much of who she was or what she wanted, so she felt like she couldn't give me what I wanted. I told her that it doesn't matter to me what she is like right now, I want to know who she is at core. She said she didn't know who that was -- but I told her that her desires, what she has yearned after in her brightest moments, is to be her core self; and she had told me that she had had the desire to be soulfriends. That's enough for me, I said -- I am willing to wait and support and love you through the transformation, because I know it will happen. I could almost see it beginning, like a shell cracking, light glowing through the cracks.

( friday -- crystal shop, dinner with the guys, chick flick with Ben )

( saturday -- agony and yumminess )

Later Ashley went home to sleep so that she could be alert enough to take Anika to the airport (she's a morning person). Ben and Anika and I stayed up all night, spending most of it talking on the couch, Ben sitting at one end and Anika and I laying lengthwise with my head on her belly. I loooooooooved talking, and I loooooooooooooooooved being so close to my soul-twin and my lover. I am such a physical touch person. That memory is so sweet; thinking on it makes me feel honey. Honey, the emotion.

At about 4am Anika got a call and went into the bedroom to talk and Ben took a nap on the couch, so I just waited around for 6am... wishing that Anika didn't have to leave. But eventually we went to Ashley's, switched into her car, and headed to the airport. Anika and I had hit that point where EVERYTHING is funny, so we giggled like crazy the whole way to the airport (including the inevitable wrong way detour). I love her laugh, but I ADORE her giggle. It's just so bubbly, so anika! We arrived at the airport and Ben and Ashley said goodbye at the car... I walked Anika to the security checkpoint, and tried for several minutes to say goodbye. It was just so HARD! We held hands all the way there, and we'd let go to hug, then hold hands and say I love you... drift into silence staring into each others' eyes, then hug again... (I am certain that the security lady thought we were lesbians. She kept peering over suspiciously, like we were going to do something crazy) Finally I told her that she had to walk away first, 'cause she was the one leaving, and after one last hug she walked away. I watched until she turned around, then waved and turned to walk away too.

Excuse me for a moment while I

freak out!!!

eternitywaiting IS COMING TO VISIT FOR A WHOLE FREAKING WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!
and it's all thanks to alariya, who paid for her plane ticket!!!!!
when I thanked her for being THE BEST PERSON EVER, she said cheerily, "Happy (early) Birthday!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA, I GOT AN ANIKA FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! And my friends, there is no better gift. ALL MINE!!!!! Oh I feel so freaking... there just isn't any word or stream of words that suits. alariya, you are such an awesome friend -- you have SUCH a generous heart. I know you did this mainly for Anika and I, thinking of us first. Just wow. ♥ ♥ ♥

And I am so glad that I have two days to adjust to the idea. Because I'm only spontaneous when it's my idea. heh. Yes, I am a recovering control freak, okay? She's going to be here MONDAY -- OMG OMG!!!!! I'm getting all jittery just thinking about it!

*jitters with excitement* green couch conversations... visiting the greatest used book store ever... cuddles... watching Foxfire... I am so stream of consciousness!

AND we're going to do photos! including work-safe ones! Hopefully with storeyphoto!

okay I'll stop now. ;-D

This is my Christmas thank-you post. ♥ I have SO. MANY. beautiful people in my life. I am the most blessed person ever, really. I need to look at my blessings more often because DAYUM!

Oh how much I love you. If I could bottle my love it would easily replace electricity all over the world for a day. When I really think about it, I get filled with so much energy that it makes me want to SCREAM! just to let it out. I need more outlets for my love, really. You all live too damn far away for me to be able to pour into your lives. I think maybe I should start visiting the local nursing home... My family always did that at Christmas time, and I totally forgot this year. That was probably my favorite thing about my family... and the last time I did it I felt God so close. And now I am actually confident enough to believe that they really would want me to visit, which means that I could even do it without the excuse of Christmas. hmm.

I have no idea of the order that these arrived in, so I'm going to go randomly through them:
Thank you wallbrat and 12thknight for the paidaccount gifts!
Thank you darling boobiequeen for the photo that I've been wanting for over a year! It's on my wall, and you can see proof in the photos further down in this post. ;-)
aubkabob, dahling, thank you ever so for the card, it made me giggle in true Aubka fashion. ;-D
camilleyun, you are so incredibly utterly kind, I loooooved getting your PURPLE christmas card with such sweet words. Thank you thank you -- I am so glad I get to know you better.
eternitywaiting, OMFG yo, you are AMAZINK! I was worried when I got the package, because I suspected it was jewelry and I don't usually like to get jewelry as presents 'cause I am teh jewelry snob artist -- but I should have known. eeeeeeeee PURPLE eeeeeeeeeeeeee DRAGONFLY!!!!! You wonderful wonderful lovely darling! And I loved it already, but then I realized that the shards in the wings are DICHROIC GLASS. Dichroic glass is to Bel what candy is to a 3-year-old -- !!! Thank you! *many kisses*
( photos of the necklace/earrings )

valynn!!! You just stunned me with your generosity and especially with including Ben! He was feeling left out with all of my friends sending me stuff while he got no mail, and your lovely thoughtful gift card really made him happy. ThankyouX80million!!!
darkpool, wow. You made me feel SO LOVED!!!!! Everything was so perfect and so suited me! I love the bottles, they went straight into my sanctuary, along with the candle holders. And the book will DEFINITELY come in handy, yay! and the note that came along with it just made everything 10 times as meaningful. I love that you got me the bookmark because you relate me with vibrancy. ♥ You blew me away. AND THE GYPSY KEYRING!!! wow. I think you hit just about every love of mine. ♥
( a photo of darkpool's presents )

maladroitkat, do you know how many times I picked up that book and almost bought it? At least four times! I suppose it was meant to be a gift from you to me, and I love it, thank you thank you! And the second book, OMG, gypsies AND egypt AND a deep theme???? I SO can't WAIT to read it!!! thank you!!!
( a photo of m-kat's presents )

alariya, darling, do you know how much I love you for giving to me when you are struggling so much? The act of giving meant even more to me than the awesome CD. (which would NOT photograph, mlurg)
lil_e_beth, thank you for the Christmas card, you're such a sweetheart! Did you make it? it's pretty. ;-)
ohsaycanyousay, thank you for the card -- you are amazing, I so appreciate you going to the trouble for me when your own life is tumultuous.
invisibleglue, I love the pendant! I don't know why, really -- it just reminds me of something a fae or dryad would wear. I love it, I doooo, thank you sweetheart! (that's what inspired the 'what charm would you be' poll -- I was thinking of making an lj-friend necklace) And I was so delighted by the tiny bow and darling wrapping! such an adorable thing, I actually saved the part of the wrapping with the mini-bow and mini-card, because it was just too damn cute to throw away.
( a photo of the pendant )

aslan_fan, I adore that keyring! "I am a nut" -- Dr. Talkavich quotes are forever golden. ;-D and I still haven't tried the tea, but I am so looking forward to it! And more than anything, decorating the apartment with frenetik was just such a sweet gift, and it really meant a lot to me.
( photos of elya's and Ben's family's gifts )

frenetik, dunno why I'm referring to your journal when you probably won't read this, but nevertheless, thank you, my love. You AMAZED me with how perfect your gifts were! Limited edition purple duct tape! and purple glass, and cinnamon candles, and purple paint, and the scents from BPAL. but most of all, my warrior faery. ♥ You are the BEST HUSBAND EVER, all the time and not just right now, and I treasure you.
( photos of Ben's presents, including the delightfully detailed fae )

and Rebecca, I know you won't read this, but I love you for thinking of me and choosing such perfect gifts. I am sure I'm going to frame the purple & green dragonfly photo, it's just incredibly beautiful and incredibly me. And I suspect that you put coins in the machine until you got the dragonfly tattoo, and I think that's one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me.
( a photo of rebecca's presents )

AND Ben's parents got us a fancy-fancy toaster oven, which will probably save us a ton on energy since we won't have to use the oven for everything. So very wonderful!
( and last but not least, my rearranged living room with the decorations that elya and Ben put up! )
( one last photo -- my updated postcard wall! )

OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! 12thknight sent me 2 more months of paidaccount time! I am so spoiled!!!! I have the BEST FRIENDS EVER. HAH! *giggles excitedly* It's delightful to be me! Thank you thank you Peter! *tosses a hug*

In other news, Ben and I have started playing World of Warcraft again, on the Feathermoon Kirin Tor server. So... you should all buy the game and start playing with me! Although that would mean that I would be permanently attached to the computer... but anyway, if I slack on LJing you know what to blame. I just love exploring and finding new places... and it's all so lovely. And it makes Ben happy that I'm playing 'with' him (not simultaneously because we're sharing a computer).

You can also blame Hannah's present, 'cause I'm spending a lot of time on that. ;-) (*pssst* remember you can call me on the weekends at ANY TIME OF DAY!)

sunshinepill and boobiequeen, if I don't call you both today you have permission to flog me! Just not too hard. *snicker*

And let me once again say
Happy Birthday alariya!!!
I'm so glad you liked my presents -- and I seriously want to borrow that book when you're finished reading it! It was so wonderful just sitting and talking with you today, hearing your heart and sharing mine. ;-) You are a glimmery glittery spirit, you know that? You make people happy the way confetti and champagne does. ♥ We MUST spend more time together soon.

I got to talk to shmee_!!! I went over to alariya's old house and we (alariya and I) used my phone card and Alariya's land line to call her. After about 15 minutes of trying all different ways of dialing to Belgium, we called up aubkabob and got her to contact shmee_ online (thanks Aubrey!) and double-check the number, which was typo'd! (This after I had talked to some guy who didn't speak English, heh, and listened to some Dutch recording lady) So we finally got the number right and after a few more failed tries, got the right combinations of codes and GOT THROUGH! We talked for about an hour, trading the phone back and forth.

It was so much fun!!! I looooove Hannah's accent! So cute! I was grinning so widely the whole time, just filled with delight at auditorily meeting her for the first time. ;-) I adore you Hannah! And she said that her mom said that she'd love to have me come stay. I said, "For two weeks?" and Hannah said yes, and I said "and she's okay with me eating all of your food?" she said yes, and told me that she'd even let me have her cat, and I could use the internet (ah, she knows me well!) -- "We'll treat you like a queen!" she said. She even promised to sing for me!!! If you could see me right now, I'm grinning so much just thinking about it. I'm so happy that she wants me to come visit. And she promised me Belgian coffee.

She said, "You belong in Belgium -- your name is Bel! Bel -- Belgium! It's meant to be!" :-D

So Ben and I have been seriously talking about this -- he's been telling me lately that we need to get our credit started (I abhor credit cards and we have never used one) by buying something and then slowly paying it off for a year. And March is the cheapest time to fly to Europe, cheaper by several hundred than most other months, so we'd actually be saving... and if we used the credit card for that one purchase and then destroyed the card, we wouldn't be tempted to use it for frivolous things or to pull us over rough spots. And in between now and then I could save money for spending on fun stuff while I'm there... Ben is reluctant to let me go for two whole weeks (we haven't been apart for more than 2 days since we got married) but he's willing! He says he wants me to get to visit Hannah.

So all that's left is to see if I can get two weeks off from work (which I know Polly will do if she possibly can) and make sure God approves... and then I'll actually be planning on going to BELGIUM!!! I've never been out of the US, never been so far away from home... I'm amazed at my own daring. This is a huge committment and a huge sacrifice -- and it's so so worth it. I'm trying to contain myself, because we won't know that it's going to happen until the tickets are bought, but... it's hard to be calm! *squeal!*

Also! Her accent reminded me so much of Adrienne (South African lead singer of my favorite band, The Benjamin Gate), and when I told her so she said she would have to look them up. ;-D I love people who take interest in things just because I'm interested in them. ♥

( icons for youuuuuu... )

( Lately I have been reaching out so much! )

( Yvonne )

And I invited Brie (also from work) to go to bellydancing with me. That's a huge step because I'm rather private about my dancing, I hate to dance in front of people, yet I was comfortable inviting her -- and before, I was way too afraid of 'intruding' on people to actually invite them to anything. I'd think that they'd be thinking, "Ugh, who'd want to do anything with her? She's so dull/dumb/quiet!" Now, I never think that. I actually consider myself a person who is fun/interesting/worthwhile to be with. Even to Brie, who is one of those people who obviously doesn't care what anyone thinks -- she's strong and fierce and funny, and I don't consider her out of my league.

And Dani, she is such an AWESOME person. She always wears non-matching earrings (all four holes), which tells you a lot, I think! And she has this intricately pretty criss-cross scar next to her mouth, which I would compliment her on but I don't know her well enough to know if she'd take it well. I'm like Angelina in that I find scars attractive. She's crazy and relaxed and her spirit is so open. Back in the day, I'd have heroine-worshipped her from afar but never dared to even talk to her, much less show her how much I admire her! But the new me, Krista, I asked her out! And she made me feel awkward by pretending to think I was hitting on her, but I got over that really quickly, and even joked back. We're supposed to go to the local coffeehouse on Friday. And I'm totally okay with being honest about how much I like her! I was openly happy when we got assigned next-door registers, and she was too. I used to be careful to hide my admiration/like for someone unless they showed that they liked me first -- a fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, I suppose. But no longer!

( Aubrey )

( Ingrid )

You'd think that dropping in on alariya would be easy for me, but it wasn't. I had such a perfectionist view of relationships -- if I couldn't do it perfectly, I didn't want to do it at all. But something changed in me recently, and I've come to the conclusion that all interactions are valuable, even the 'inconsequential' ones, like just saying hi, or spending an hour with someone just casually connecting. I've come to believe that my investments in people are never a waste, even if there's no noticable change in relationship.

With Cynthia, I know I wouldn't have had the guts to ask her why she seemed down, about a week ago, and she'd never have told me about her worries and the fact that she is in need of a car. And even though I felt dumb just saying that I'd pray for her, it seemed to be important to her because today she asked if I was still praying. And before, I'd never have had the confidence to tell her that anytime that our schedules ended at the same time, I'd give her a ride. I'd have worried that she'd judge my driving or my car, or think that I was being condescending to offer. But now, I offered without a second thought, and she gratefully accepted, and even though I did feel a bit embarrassed by the mess on the floor, I was able to dismiss it and be comfortable.

So I know you're all dying to read how the visit went! And this is gonna be long and I'm not going to cut it!

I asked my managers to let me go early, and they wonderfully did -- and I promptly went to Rebecca's house to borrow money from her. I was waffling on that at first, but I figured that I'd cheerfully do it for her, so I did it. (it's no fun going places when you have absolutely no money to spend) So then I headed over to alariya's house (she had called me at work to make sure that I was coming over that night) -- got there, walked in the door, and there was Anika! sitting on the floor getting a shoulder massage from 'Riya. I started unloading my stuff and she demanded that I get my ass over there and hug her -- the lazybutt didn't even get up! I laughed and went to hug her.

She's so little and cute! I could just fit her right in my little pocket! We started talking about everything and nothing, and eventually alariya's friend Cherise showed up, and we chattered with her too... poor 'Riya is a morning person, and she started drifting off despite her desire to 'not miss anything' (it probably didn't help that I was rubbing her back and that she had exhausted herself walking all over the airport on her broken foot) -- so she went to bed at about midnight. Cherise left at two (yes, we were talking all that time!) and Anika and I finally went to bed -- but not to sleep, oh no. We stayed up talking until probably seven (night people rule the world!) -- about our marriages mostly. We're both at roughly the two-year mark, and we have so many similarities in our lives. And I slept in my usual pj's -- that is, none -- and Anika and I shared a blanket on 'Riya's tiny twin bed. I love that she was comfortable with that -- I haven't been able to relax around someone to that point since Kaylene was in my life. Nudity is the true test of friendship, I think. ('Riya's comfortable with my rampant nakedness too)

At about noon we got up and alariya made us delicious sausage-cheese biscuits -- which we washed down with beer, heh. alariya decided to drink this horribly nasty horse-piss beer (which she had bought to cook with) while Anika and I made faces. After a few sips she decided that maybe it was too nasty for her after all, so she decided to make it taste better -- and poured chocolate syrup into it!!! It immediately fizzed up and got all over the place despite her plonking her mouth over it (that response earned her some teasing from us), but she persisted; she put the top back on, shook it, and tapped the top to calm the fizz, then tried drinking it. We watched expectantly, and even though she really did try to like it, she finally just handed me the bottle to pour down the sink -- it looked even worse than it tasted, I think. She was so stricken to find something that chocolate cannot improve!

Then Anika and I watched some of that dumb 'Family Guy' movie (I admit it was kinda funny, but I see enough dysfunctional families in real life, thanks) while alariya read, in an attempt to adjust to the idea that we were starting our day at 2pm. Rebecca came over and met Anika, and since 'Riya's foot was hurting, she and Anika and I soaked our feet in the tub while Rebecca sat next to us. A & A mocked me 'cause apparently my feet are very sensitive to heat. What's wrong with that, I'd like to know.

Then we piled into Rebecca's car and she drove us over to my favorite mexican place, where we had a fabulous dinner and then drove right back to 'Riya's house 'cause Rebecca had to leave. We switched to 'Riya's car, drove to my house to drop off my leftovers and let Anika meet Ben and Kanika. Kanika was fascinated with Anika and would not stop sniffing her! We think it may have had to do with the fact that she owns nine cats, and some of their scent is bound to be on her clothes/purse. But she also just plain liked Anika, which proves both that Anika is awesome and that my cat is smart.

Then we went off to Galaxy 'cause 'Riya wanted to buy Anika a sex toy or two (very unique in expressing her love, alariya is) -- and got carded, of course. Anika found something that appealed to her (even though it was green and she wanted purple), and after a lot of browsing and vacillating, I found cinnamon-flavored lubricant! I certainly couldn't pass that up, I love cinnamon (and it's actually yummy!).

Next stop was the local coffeehouse, where we sat on the green couch (that I love more and more all the time) with me in the middle. Anika draped her legs over mine and 'Riya massaged her feet while we talked about spirituality, our experiences and beliefs and ideas. (I have never had a dull moment sitting on that couch. I really hope that whenever the coffeehouse replaces it, I can buy it or steal it, whatever, I love it so much)

Finally the coffeehouse was closing, and I quickly bought a coffee for Ben like I promised -- then they sent 'the lackey' out to get the car for the cripple and the lazybutt. heh. We drove back to my house, stealing sips of Ben's coffee -- he wasn't there when we arrived, but he left a note on the floor saying that he'd be right back, so I disappointed the girls by not splitting the drink between us. Sure enough, he showed up in a minute, and I gave him the coffee -- and he repaid us by taking off his glasses and letting down his hair to show Anika how fucking hot my man is!

Off we drove to the Wal-mart where I work to browse. 'Riya insisted on having a push wheelchair, which I pushed, and then just to make sure that I was getting enough of a workout, Anika sat on her lap. We had a blast wheeling around -- and some guy took a photo of us! wtf, mate? (you know he went home and posted it on his LJ) I saw this vivid violet smushy pillow and got so excited, and the girls insisted on getting it for me -- and Anika found a sherbert orange one just like it, which 'Riya got for her. We'd have gotten one for 'Riya, but they didn't have her colors.

Anika wanted to go look at the costumes, so we did -- and 'Riya had a FAB-u-LOUS idea. They had wings and gloves in purple, red, and black -- so they bought a set for each of us, myself in purple, Anika in red, and 'Riya in black -- and then we got matching lacy undies. All to do an impromptu photoshoot in honor of shmee_! We hurried back to get the camera and ask Ben if he was okay with it, and he was, but only if he was the photographer. This caused some tension, 'cause alariya had already asked her fiance and was really disappointed that he decided not to come over at all... I kept asking her if she was okay, and she kept saying yes, but I felt serious tension from her and I got very anxious. We had to stop by the Wal-mart next to her house to get batteries, and Anika went in with me. She put her arm around my waist as we walked in, which had a very calming effect on me, and by the time we bought them and came back out, I had decided to take 'Riya at her word -- if she said she was fine then she was fine.

We got back to her house and started putting on makeup and getting ready, getting all excited -- I don't know how long it took us, but Ben was glad that he brought his book. Finally we started shooting, and it was just so fabulous -- I had forgotten my usb cord but 'Riya happened to have one so we shot and downloaded, shot and downloaded, and got some awesome shots. My only regret is that I didn't get more of Anika -- we took the individual ones of her right at the beginning before I realized that we could take more than 11 photos. But we got some awesome shots nevertheless, and after I send some of the edited photos to Anika and 'Riya, you can count on a photopost in curvygirls, at least.

It was 4:40am before we left, poor Ben was falling asleep... and I was obviously pretty out of it because had I been more aware I'd have said a more lingering goodbye! I didn't hug Anika nearly enough to last me until I see her again!

Feelings on the visit will have to wait -- getting down the happenings of those WONDERFUL hours is enough for now. And I must also post about the fantastic, amazing ideas the three of us had for a curvygirls zine!