Last night I had a long chat with leafwhimsy (a very close friend of alariya's and casual friend of mine) . She's coming down to visit tomorrow, and she and Alariya are both thrilled. I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. I feel like I have to hold leafwhimsy at a distance because she's Alariya's friend, mainly, and I don't want to put myself in where I'm not wanted, for one, and I don't want to fall in love with leafwhimsy either because then I suspect I'd get jealous of them both, and it's bad enough as it is. I've known that Alariya's given a lot of her heart to leafwhimsy, and up 'til now I've dealt with that by just not thinking about it, but now it's impossible. I'm greedy because Alariya's really the only physically & emotionally close friend I have right now, the only one on the same wavelength AND in the same geographic area. I don't want to share. And obviously I know that this is not a healthy attitude but I sure as hell don't pretend to be perfect. And my heart doesn't listen to reason. All I can think about is that I am so lonely for true companionship, and (except Alariya of course) all of the friends whom I could have that with live miles and miles away. The two I miss the most live an OCEAN away.

These feelings are so dirty and messy and petty. I'm a greedy little girl whining because she can't have a lollipop. That's how I feel anyway. or maybe I'm a broken little girl crying because she's starving. I'm not sure which is the true picture. and how can I hurt so much when I have such unbelievably wonderful people in my life?

There are ways that leafwhimsy and I overlap that I have never found in anyone else, which would thrill me in any other situation but in this one they just make me sad.

And I'm sure that part of my reaction is because my partner and I had a 'fight' I guess you could call it. I was hurting because I felt like our relationship was hopeless, and I said something about him not loving me and just doing nice things out of guilt, and he got angry that I would question his motives and left me alone in the bedroom. I cried and cried... he started to watch a movie in the other room and then about 10 minutes later he came in and talked to me for a long time. I was very upset that he left me when he knew I was hurting enough to cry (which I rarely do, for myself, though I cry easily at movies, books, etc.) We finally got to the point where I'd forgiven him enough to let him hug me, but my feelings aren't gone. I still don't understand why we're together. It seems like neither of us feels especially affectionate toward the other. I love and admire him -- I could list a million reasons why he's wonderful -- but I don't get anything out of the relationship, and he said the other day that he didn't either. Last night he said that wasn't true and he DID get a lot out of it, that he had had a wrong mindset and now he doesn't feel that way but I have a hard time believing him. Lately it's been happening that he'll do something wonderful and then later that same day he'll do something that cuts me to the quick. And I know he's stressed out, but there are some things that I believe one should never allow oneself to do no matter what the circumstance. It should not be in your mental list of options. Such as ignoring a person because they made you mad -- even if they did something wrong, they are still a person and should not be treated as if they don't exist. If someone asks a question and you don't want to answer it you can just say, "I don't want to answer," and then you are still respecting their existence.

He said he doesn't see things the way he used to and he's changing. He said he gets positivity out of the relationship and he will make sure I do too. I don't have the strength to just believe in that. I'll try to keep myself open to the possibility but I can't bring myself to accept it as fact.

This feels very strange. Up 'til now I've never really posted about issues between my partner and me, partly because while they're at the worst I don't have the energy and when they're over they seem obsolete, and partly because my partner used to be a very private person and didn't want me to post anything negative for fear that my friends would hate him. But he has told me repeatedly that he doesn't have a problem with it at all anymore so I'm taking him at his word.