One thing I have never understood is disdain for / disgust toward sex workers. Even when I was the Christianest Christian I've ever known, I never felt that. (Jesus treated full-service sex workers with respect so Jesus would say "it would be better if you drowned" to the so-called Christians who disdain sex workers -- because that is how you talk to religious bullies)

Last night I watched a scene in a show where a mom of a sick kid listens to a stripper describing how to swallow a pill so that you don't gag, which is something that the kid has been struggling with for months. Instead of being grateful that her kid now has a skill she needed to be healthy, and ashamed that she didn't previously treat the stripper character as a human, the sound faded out like it does in a panic attack. I was honestly worried that she was about to physically attack the stripper character.

In the next scene the mom is flipping the fuck out at someone else in clearly displaced rage. The mom describes her husband (bouncer at the strip club) as working at a job that makes *her* feel demeaned as a woman and as a mother. WHO THE FUCK THINKS LIKE THIS???

And the worst part is, the show writer is obviously sympathetic to that attitude because it is being portrayed as if it is the "natural" response! It's not fucking natural! It's horrifying and it makes no sense! And the stripper's explanation about the pill was clearly being written for "comedic" value because it was almost entirely double entendres including things you would never say to a child, like "just let it happen." This character is a goddamn caricature and I still like her way better than the mom. Your anti-sex-worker bullshit makes you a bad person, period. You are dangerous and gross.

To make it even fucking worse, the husband in the "demeaning" job of bouncer had just saved the stripper from getting raped the night before. She was bringing over a gift basket as thanks. How is your response not "oh my god, my partner's work is actually really important, now I can be happy he has this job, and also I want to offer support to this person who got attacked"?!?!?!? How do you see her as a threat instead?!?!?

I'm kinda over the whole show from this. Ugh. Yet it was really fucking good in the first two seasons. Like, groundbreaking excellence in some ways. *tears hair out*

I've been re-watching "The Path" (because I have no new shows to solo-watch), and it's really amazing to me just how much I misunderstood religion for most of my life. When I watched this show the first time I was frustrated, asking WHY these people gave a shit whether or not some "miracle" happened. Why were they fixated on this irrelevant detail??

I thought most religious people didn't care about the magical stories, just took them as metaphor and joined because they liked the moral code and wanted to become a better person through it. It is just laughable how much that is not true, I'm realizing, thinking about people who are invested in the idea that it is "historical fact" that Jesus rose from the dead etc.

There's a line in the show where a skeptical character is talking about these "cultists" who believe that their leader did miracles, and compares that to believing in Jesus' miracles. The person listening says "well that's different, because it actually happened." I was so struck by that reaction.

I still can't get over the fact that people think the ability to do magic is a reason to follow someone's teachings, or to believe that someone is telling the truth.

Mild spoilers ahead for "Shrill" episode 3:

I keep thinking about this one scene where the main character is trying to cross a street at a crosswalk but is being too polite/timid and letting cars go first, and a tall fat person who is dressed literally head to toe in bright red (a fat person no-no), in a *jumpsuit* (another fat person no-no) and *heels* (a tall person no-no) walks past her and across the crosswalk with hardly a glance at the cars. The main character then follows the person in red down the road, into a flower shop, and down the road again.

I have had that impulse to follow someone based purely on how they commanded a space (but I resisted because I didn't want to creep them out), and I know that ah-ha moment that you can get from seeing someone-like-you doing something that you didn't think people-like-you could do. And the fascination and curiosity about how they got there.

I think that I have become that confident fat person who dresses head to toe in color and takes up space without apology. I wish I had the ability to notice when people are watching me because I want to see this happen.

And also if people make disgusted faces I want to round on them and out-face them. Because they'd probly dissolve like cotton candy in the rain and I would enjoy that just as much *wicked smile*

Holy fuck the 4th episode of Shrill had me absolutely sobbing with joy. Bodies that look like mine, dancing and swimming and just happily existing in bathing suits and not a goddamn skirted 1-piece in sight.

If you have never been fat and you have hulu, please watch this show. It is literally the only show I have ever seen with multiple fat people in it and where being fat is never a joke and the usual trope of fetishizing food or eating a lot is not present. It's so goddamn real.


I'm so fucking annoyed with the piece of shit boyfriend but also that is such an important story to tell because I did that, and for similar reasons. I put up with greedy, selfish, useless, entitled fuckwads because for so many years it literally did not occur to me that I could say "no" to something my datefriend wanted. I felt like I had to make up for my "inferior" body by accommodating their every whim and soothing their every uncomfortable feeling. And this idea was so deeply embedded that I didn't realize I was thinking it until after I had stopped doing it. While I was doing it I could not recognize it.

Also I don't know if non-fat people would get this, but in the second scene of the first episode, when the barista and customer say that she reminds them of Rosie O'Donnell, that is almost as bad as the overt harassment. It says that the only thing they see is "fat woman." It was a second cut-down by people who were trying to be nice, and for me that hurts so much more. It is worse when people are trying to be nice and they reveal themselves as so ignorant and alienated from your experience that they accidentally stab you.

I don't like that the main character gets so self-involved that she doesn't listen to her friends' needs. I feel like this is a trope when fat (or fat-ish) femme characters start to assert themselves and value their own needs and I think it comes from the writers not actually knowing any people who go from full-time-comfort-blanket to actual-human-who-still-cares.

I watched a few episodes of "Tidying Up" recently and it made me exclaim a lot because so many of the things that Marie says are literally things I have said. When I am helping people tidy I say "where does this live?" and "does this have a home?" because in my opinion the most important thing for tidiness is for things to have a home. I do things like greeting a home and waking up books (though not those specific things).

I LITERALLY FOLDED MY SHIRTS THE SAME WAY, before ever watching that, so that I could look through them at a glance. and I fold my skirts like Marie folds ties. I do the same thing of small boxes organizing the inside of big boxes.

and then in my memories today I found an entry I posted last year where I talk about having an ethic of things belonging to whomever will love them more. When I was a kid, I stole or gave away things based on that.

The show makes a lot of assumptions about people being able to buy replacement things, which bothers me, but I do love seeing someone else have as much reverence for things as I do. Though it bothers me that some people appear to just throw away useful things rather than donating them and Marie doesn't scold them, wtf.

But I think a better question than "does it spark joy" (especially for people who get joy easily) is "if you lost it, would you miss it?" and if you don't know, box it up and put the date on it. if a long time passes without you feeling the need to take it out (and you don't have a practical need for it), then you can give it away. That's also how I decide whether or not to get something at a thrift store -- would I regret NOT getting it?

This is part of why it is such a sign of me being in a bad place when my home is untidy. When I am in a good place, I don't even have to try to get things tidy... when I'm not, it looks horrific, because I just drop things everywhere. I get in a very "if I can't get it right why bother at all" mindset. I know it's destructive but that's my brain when it's being a jerk.

I've been watching "the Path" and the main character is having a crisis of faith because the leader of the religion might not have done a miracle. "What if this is all just a story someone wrote?" Which seemed so beside the point that I was like "why are you fixating on a magic trick? why does that matter if the moral code is good?" and then I realized that ALL the religions who follow some singular individual rely on a magic trick to validate them.

People don't follow Jesus because they think the teachings help them to be a more compassionate and ethical person -- they follow Jesus because "he proved he was the son of god" by "rising from the dead." A more logical explanation was that he was in a coma for 3 days and then woke up -- unlikely, but it happens! even if he was actually dead and then alive again, how the fuck does that prove anything at all about the value of the moral code Jesus espoused? It doesn't, that's how.

And if your entire belief system is based on a miracle, then as soon as someone else does a better one what, you're gonna switch? If some alien shows up and starts healing people's cancers by biting them you're gonna develop a new moral code around biting people?

If your whole belief system is based on taking some ancient people's word that someone did something that seemed magical, that is completely irresponsible and a TERRIBLE way to choose how to live your life. The same as it would be if some modern people said someone did a magic trick. That's basically relying on an appeal to authority (logical fallacy) as your justification for your moral code. It's using an inherently unreliable event (a miracle is only a miracle if it is not repeatable by other people) as a foundation for your actions in life -- why on earth would you do that??

When I identified as a Christian -- as a TEENAGER -- I remember people asking me "what if there really is no god, no heaven, no hell, and you spent your whole life like this?" and I said to them "then I used these teachings to live a better life, to be a better person!" The existence of a magical being wasn't the fucking point! I liked the things Jesus taught and I agreed that love was the most important and highest moral law through which a person can figure out the best choices to make.

It honestly boggles my mind to realize that most of the people who call themselves christians would stop doing so if it was proven that Jesus never rose from the dead. How can you base your morality on a completely unprovable story -- that is inherently amoral, for crying out loud!!! if Jesus rose from the dead, that wasn't an act of kindness or bravery or generosity, but a morally neutral act of self-preservation. And it is certainly not a better miracle than making one person's lunch feed a huge crowd. Why isn't that the miracle that gets its own holiday? I'll tell you why -- because it comes with a fucking MORAL that people should SHARE or else god does no good.

( TW/CN: Aziz Ansari's sexually coercive behavior )

Also highly relevant to this discussion:

the feigning ignorance consent violation tactic: if they care, they change their behavior. TW: rape

Why making it safe & comfortable to say 'no' is as necessary as respecting a plainly-stated 'no'

So since I last wrote about them I've had two dates with Evelyn, and both times they came to my house AND there was no big struggle to plan or need to reschedule. There's not even been occasion to question whether or not they wanted to come over, because it required so little effort on my part, comparatively. Unfortunately a lot of it has fallen into the cracks of my memory already, so this is just gonna be a mishmash of impressions from what I can remember.

When they first arrived, I opened the door while standing behind it like I always do because my neighbors are terrible and I'm never wearing anything over my boobs at home unless I'm sick or really cold, so they walked in and there was a pause while I shut the door and then they made a tentative reaching motion while I started to ask if they wanted a hug -- I may have gotten it out or maybe not -- and I snatched them into a hug. And I wanted to cry because it felt like such a relief, but I was also in shock and not fully convinced they were actually there. I felt relief and gladness from them too.

At one point later when we were cuddling they said "you're real" in a tone of wonder and I felt so much resonance with it I felt like screaming, like there were not enough ways to express how extremely and exactly I felt that. Those few hours we spent together that day included a lot of cuddling and talking about the last time we saw each other in November and how it was painful for both of us, and expressions of gratitude on both sides for being reunited. A lot of kisses and sweetness and a lot of frank and occasionally painful discussion.

I once again feel able to be just utterly blunt with them. ( I don't have fear of being misunderstood )

I'm realizing in writing this that being trusted to be truthful even if it doesn't make logical sense is vital to me. Because I am truthful, but sometimes I don't make sense. I think that's one of the things that hurt me so much about Kylei -- they would never believe me when I told them how I valued them and wanted time with them, despite all the proof I offered. It just felt like a constant invalidation of my core self, to not trust in my love and my dedication. I need to know that the people I love believe in my love, believe in my dedication, believe in my truthfulness. Else being around them makes me feel a dissolving of my self-hood and my own faith in my worth.

I told them that I'm still ( building up my tolerance to their presence )

I also keep getting overwhelmed by all the experiences I want to have with them but I can't do them all at once and it feels like there is so little time. And I know a part of it is this fear in the back of my mind that they're going to disappear any moment and if I haven't done the things yet I won't ever have the chance, but I do not want to do any of the things out of fear, not even out of fear of no future chances. So I actually end up moving slower toward those things because I am resisting the shoving of fear. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet and that fear will fade.

( We watched Playing By Heart last time )

This Friday we have a plan for me to go to their house and hang out with them and their spouse, who I've yet to have any real conversation with. I started freaking out yesterday because Evelyn was talking to me in a way that made it seem like I was supposed to be on my best behavior, so to speak? being polite, talking about inconsequential shit? and I'm terrible at that and I already spend so much fucking time and energy on it with work and Topaz' family and to some extent my biofamily. The idea of adding respectability to the one part of my life that didn't yet have it in it was just awful. I expressed this (in less extreme terms) and they checked with their spouse and confirmed that it was okay for me to just be me in all my *waves hands* non-neurotypical impolite glory, I guess. So, I'm still nervous but not stressed out, and I feel hopeful that it could be really lovely.

I've more to say but it shall go in my sextalk filter. Opt in or out.

( reflecting on LJ patterns )

( job hunt stress ) Also I was super social for like a solid week and am just now feeling like I can handle voluntary interaction with human beings. My youngest sibling, Ace, came in town with almost no warning and hasn't visited in at least four years, so I hastily threw together some plans so that Ace could meet my people and vice versa.

( discomfort with biofam due to them not putting in any effort to connect with me )

Anyway, other than that discomfort, it was an okay visit. Ace wanted to go to a lesbian bar, so we did, but it was Monday night so not much was happening. Cass, Katie, Katie's person Molly, and Topaz hung out with me and Ace and just talked, and afterward Topaz and Ace and I went to dinner and Ace laid out some heavy questions. First Ace tested Topaz with a point-blank "so what do you feel about belenen?" (or something very close to that) and Topaz reeled briefly and then answered honestly and openly while looking me in the eyes, and Ace judged them as truthful. Ace is extraordinarily observant and blunt and doesn't fuck around when they want to know something.

Then Ace asked me "why do you hate our parents?" and I replied calmly that I don't hate them, I'm just not that attached. Topaz later told me that they were amazed at the full blast of the questions (because they got more pointed from there) and at how I handled them, and then I realized that they were some hard questions, but I appreciate bluntness and while Ace did ask very leading questions, I'm pretty good at not being lead. However, I was also way too literal in answering them, because I think what Ace was looking for was some empathy for their suffering, but what they were asking about was my suffering, which they were then comparing to theirs. I didn't realize this until later, talking about it with Topaz, who realized it during the conversation. I felt shitty that I didn't realize and thus missed the opportunity to connect there.

The next day I had planned a small gather which Topaz hosted, with Topaz, me, Ace, Allison, Elliot, Serenity, Kylei, Jaime, and my cousin. It was a wonderful group of people and I really enjoyed everyone's company, though my ADD got way out of hand when we all played Dixit together. I'm gonna trust the box next time and agree that more than 7 people is too many, unless everyone is a fairly quiet person. We had four or five boisterous people and I just couldn't manage it after a while. Nobody got mad when I said I needed a break or when we didn't end up returning to the game, though, so it was okay.

I was hoping to have more time with Ace but since they were smoking a lot of the time and thus were outside while I was inside we didn't really interact directly very much. They said they liked all my friends (said this to me multiple times) and said to Topaz "I love you for my [sibling]," which I was very pleased by because they're usually very suspicious of anyone I am close to. This was also the first time I got to introduce several people to each other (which I love doing) and people volunteered their positive impressions of each other to me which made me VERY happy.

Then Wednesday I spent time with Ace, my cousin, and my grandparent, very casual, working on a long-term art project of Ace's. I was so so so wiped out after that though -- family Sunday, family AND new scary place (I'd never been to a lesbian bar and I get very anxious about not looking queer enough) Monday, big social thing including family Tuesday, more family Wednesday. I took Thursday to recover and then spent Friday vacuuming the dust/dander/fur out of the rugs and then spending time with Topaz.

Saturday was a day I had been planning for two months: a Sense8 marathon. Topaz, Sande, Evelyn, Serenity, and I watched it on the projector that I borrowed from Kylei. I don't remember how many episodes various people watched but it felt really wonderful to be with people that I feel such strong connections with, watching a show that feels like a part of me. And it was good that it was low-interaction because I certainly couldn't have handled more active social at the end of such a week!

It was really really wonderful to have Topaz in my house, after so long of them not being there due to allergies. I replaced the air filter very recently, dusted the week before, vacuumed the day before, and Serenity mopped the floors the day before too, and I turned the air conditioning high while Topaz was here (because cold helps). It all paid off -- Topaz didn't seem to have much of a reaction at all, and was able to stay for like five hours.

17 Again (2009 USA) [Comedy/Fantasy] Director: Burr Steers Writer: Jason Filardi

( detailed ratings )

Total: -1 mildly bad. On plot and character development, I'd say it was solidly okay, but nothing to shout about. I'd say it's worth watching once if you feel like some fluff - 2.5 star (out of five).

-------------

Eva (2011 Spain) [Drama/Sci-fi] Director: Kike Maíllo Writers: Sergi Belbel, Cristina Clemente, Martí Roca, Aintza Serra

( detailed ratings )

Total: +2 mildly good. On plot and character development, it was very interesting, well-paced, thought-provoking, and emotional but not luridly so. For me it's a 4 star, meaning it's worth watching more than once, but not more than thrice.

-------------

Love Birds (2011 New Zealand) [Comedy/Romance] Director: Paul Murphy Writer: Nick Ward

( detailed ratings, slight spoiler )

Total: +2 which for a romantic comedy is damn good. On plot and character development, it was above average, and it made me cry with happiness at one point. Also a 4 star.

Plusses:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes the Bechdel test (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters (1-2) passes Bechdel (1-2) subversive (1-3) actively calls out bullshit

Minuses:

(2) violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect
(1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women love shoes, men are bad at emotion, etc.)
(1) affirms oppressions (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline (example: women are biologically designed & obligated to caretake, rape myths, etc.)
(1) primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
(1) main supporting character (or majority of ensemble cast) also white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, and neurotypical
(1) marginalized people rely on wmchfundnt to make their decisions
(1) villain a marginalized person while most other characters are not
(1) storyline about protagonists fighting "the strange other" with no explanation of the "other"'s intentions
(1) storyline about rescuing marginalized peoples without those peoples' input (without characters explaining the harm in that)
(1) kills off marginalized character first/only, with poor cause
(1) erasure (marginalized characters are not portrayed when the setting calls for them to be part of the story)

Examples!

A Little Bit of Heaven:

sex/gender: +6 (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (2) passes Bechdel (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
race/ethnicity: +3 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
ableism/lookism: +4 (1) no stereotypes (1) 3D characters (1) subversive (1) actively calls out bullshit
=13
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 erasure
= +11 excellent storytelling

Arthur:

sex/gender (1) no stereotyped characters (1) 3D characters (1) subversive
race/ethnicity (1) inclusion without stereotyping
ableism/lookism (1) inclusion without stereotyping (1) 3D characters
-1 affirms stereotypes
-1 primarily a vehicle for white, male, cis, het, financially-unworried, non-disabled, neurotypical character
= +4 good storytelling

Bad Teacher:

NO PLUSSES. Well, there might have been one point of subversive somewhere but I'm not rewatching to find it.
- 4 (1) affirms stereotypes (1) more than twice (2) it's in the fucking plotline
-1 (1) affirms oppressions
= -5 BAD storytelling
there may also have been -2 for violations of marginalized people pass unremarked and seemingly without effect, 'cause I think there was some fat-shaming but I think it was also counterbalanced? can't remember.

In the future I may explain my assignments in more thorough reviews, this is still in progress ;-)

my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!

( the 11th through the 21st in list form! )

after Mel, Jasmine, Jenny, Berry, and Namid all tagged me on facebook I figured OKAY FINE YOU ASKED FOR IT. Plus like 6 more of you have done it here! *jumps on bandwagon*

1. The problem with me doing things like this is that I can never manage to be succinct. Interesting, since when I was writing for classes I always fell short of the length requirements, and I couldn't pad it out with fluff... maybe I just can't write less than a paragraph or more than a few pages, heh.

( 24 more, cut for leeeeeeeeeeeength! )

I feel FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

I've been dancy-dancy-dancy all day today and I really have no idea why but YAY and *rocks out to Róisín Murphy* Yesterday I sent out PRESENTS yay! I'm in the moooood to create, but everything seems too sedate! (oops rhyme!) *bounce bounce bounce* I discovered the most delicious sandwich today! Sprouted rye bread with turkey and havarti cheese and dill slices and dijon! it sounds like too many different strong tastes but thanks to my weird mood I tried it for breakfast (I don't have time associations for food) and was then like OMG YUM and had it for lunch too. hee hee!

OMG WHY AM I SO EXCITED???

but srsly, I've been thinking a LOT the past week about this upcoming year and I'm a teeny bit apprehensive because I'm like, how can it POSSIBLY be any more incredible than the past year? which means it would be less incredible -- but then, how likely is that? I mean, I know like 3457230572509725 times as much as I did last year and I have 234723587 more incredible friends and my love life is like 324097245072570 better than before because 1) closer to Nim and 2) AURILION, duh! Tryin' to figure out what I even want for this year... want to make goals (not resolutions!) and make thanks-in-advance!

Today is the full moon ♥

p.s. Callie is totally me, btw. *giggles* nothing is cuter (and hotter) than Callie flustered with being flirted with! am loving this storyline.

p.p.s. Lie To Me is FASCINATING.

p.p.p.s. bookmooch is fuckinawesome. (thanks for the accidental introduction Kat!)

p.p.p.p.s. Tell me what you're currently reading / listening to / creating!

The day after Aurilion arrived we drove around a bit, got semi-lost trying to find the recycling place and picked up my lapis lazuli ring from the jewelers (where I was getting it sized). I told zir about its significance and the significance of my other rings (which I have yet to post about ;-p). We were planning on going to laughter yoga but ze felt that would be too much at that moment (it was so intense just being together) so instead we went to dinner at the coffeehouse and then to the park! We saw ducklings! (which I had never seen in real life) I showed zir the twin tree which had comforted me on a day I felt crazy, and ze felt the sweet energy of it. We both gave it kisses ;-) Then we met another tree which was quite amazing and I got zir to pose with it.



( photos! )

Later that evening we watched Playing By Heart, which was an incredible experience because our hearts were so open to each other and I could feel zir reactions so clearly! Also, ze strongly empathized with so many of the characters (who are all dear to my heart) and I saw them with new eyes. I felt like I was seeing it for the first time, only better. That movie means so much to me. ♥ I LOVE seeing it with people when they see it for the first time.

Twice recently I've dreamed about Foreman (after marathoning my way through House M.D.). In the first dream, I was a mocha-skinned Goddess (literally, in the reality of the dream I was superhuman) in a jungle-y area (wtf?) -- it was apparently my temple and he was there to worship. I think he sang for me, or recited poetry in my honor? he was much thicker than in real life, wearing only a blue loincloth that draped down to the floor (I'm embarrassed at recounting this, it seems so dreadfully stereotyped). The thing I noticed most was the cellulite on his butt and the back of his thighs, and I thought it was very intriguing and sexy how he was both muscular and plush. It's been a while so I don't remember much else, but he was very seductive and I was very appreciative. ;-)

The second dream I had of him was very short and simple -- I was alone and scared in a dark parking lot, and then I saw him he held his arms out to me. I ran over to him and he gave me the most amazing, enveloping hug -- he lifted me off of the ground, but it wasn't rib-crushing like it would have been in real life. It lasted a long time and was sooooo wonderful.

( confronting my mom about her ED )

( abstract sex-representation, unsatisfying )

Adam Sandler is one of my heroes. When he makes a movie, he takes an important message and wraps it in crude, offensive humor so that those who love crude, offensive humor will SEE it -- and those are the ones who most need to see it.

I recently watched "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" and... wow. ( ... )

Sandler wears the asshole label to do some beautiful things. I love him for that. And as much as I would love to not see sexist 'humor', I'm willing to forgive it in his movies. Maybe that makes me a little bit of a hypocrite? But it always gets addressed, called out for what it is, and to me that is infinitely better than the 'subtle' sexist themes in so many other movies that gets completely ignored (or the not-at-all-subtle that gets reinforced rather than called out). And for that reason I feel like he genuinely sees the problem and like everything else, mocks it. Can't know without meeting him but that's my reaction.

last night I dreamed I met this amazing girl and we made plans for a date. She came up to me the morning of and reminded me that we had a date at 8pm, and I was like, "oh yeah! of course I'll be there!" ...and then I forgot. What is WRONG with me? Good lord. I can only meet girls who like me in dreams and then I flake on them. *rolls eyes*

in other news I recently fell in LOVE with Paul Rudd after seeing him in "I Could Never Be Your Woman." I've always liked him (since "Clueless" way back in '95) but it took this movie to really send me head over heels. and I tumbled even more after learning that he had to lose 25 pounds for the role! Which means he is usually thicker than Hollywood likes. He didn't look any different to me, but then I'm not Hollywood, am I. I guess they had to make him 'match' Pfeiffer better. Because people only get with people of similar size? FUCK HOLLYWOOD! I'm in a weird mood. back to the movie -- I loved the little girl's parodies, especially the one of Britney, haha! "Oops, I got a career / by shakin' my rear / and making guys leer / oh baby, baby"** Michelle Pfeiffer was okay, but I didn't like her character much. I tend to get annoyed with self-hate in movies.

Then I went out and saw "Over Her Dead Body" all by myself tonight (*pout* lonely *sadface*) which was only okay. I didn't think Paul fit in that role very well. But I enjoyed watching him all the same. SO. BEAUTIFUL. He has officially replaced Ryan Phillippe and Lee Pace as my favorite actor. There's just something about him that is so genuine. and of course I've always swooned over green eyes. But it's his smile that really gets me. He joins Angelina as being one of those people that if they smile, I have to smile in response. *dreamy sigh*

( sharing the gorgeousness that is Paul Rudd mmmmm (one is possibly NWS but nothing showing) )

**disclaimer: I have nothing but sympathy for Britney, since she has been just a pawn in a horrible game, but I still find the irony amusing. ;-)

Friday I spent the day with SabR -- so much fun! We went shopping in downtown Athens and I looked at a lot of glass art, but the really lovely pieces were just too expensive and the decently priced stuff was nice but not in any of my colors. :-p So at the Native American store I picked up a green jasper egg (which had an amazing forest energy) and an opalite star for my altar, and a small thing for one of my Aquarian friends' birthday. ;-)

The strangest thing happened there -- Ashley just happened to come into the shop at the same time that we were there! For those of you who haven't been on my flist long, Ashley and SabR have negative history and pretty much hate each other. When Ashley called me over, I made awkward conversation with her (the tension between them was palpable) and then told her that I was there with SabR, which ended the conversation. I've never experienced that before and I would not care to experience it again! And it makes me wish humans were a little less civilized because I would much prefer open fighting to polite hatred. I'm not the sort of person who tries to break up a fight between adults (or equally matched children) because while it may not be the best way to resolve conflict, it's better than the alternative, in my mind. The police might not agree, heh.

Anyway, after that was over we went to see The Tree That Owns Itself (which is actually the scion of the original tree) and were disappointed at how young it was. (but I want to go back and see it again in the summer) The Magnolia across the street was HUGE and amazing, so we took more photos of that.

SabR took me to one of her favorite Mexican restaurants, which I liked (to my surprise, as I am very picky) and then we went back to her place and watched Prince of Egypt (which she had never seen! wtf!) and Knocked Up, which wasn't as bad as I had expected from everything people had said. ( ranting about the movie ) Oh, and Paul Rudd was BRILLIANT in that film. He's one of the handful of actors I wish I could meet.



( photos of SabR, me, trees, and Athens )

Hello beautiful beautiful people! *hugs whole flist*

I feel like I hit rock bottom and pushed off, and now I'm finally rising towards the surface. It feels really wonderful to be looking up instead of helplessly staring at my feet as I sink further and further. It wasn't anything I did; it was the love given to me by so many people, in so many ways. Megan especially -- she kept reaching out even though I was late and little in my responses. Thank you lovey ♥ You've been such a positive force in my life!

My Christmas was less than sparkly overall ( ... ) One very sparkly point was the dream I had while sleeping my cramps away. It was my Christmas present from God/dess; the vivid, spiritually-real kind. ♥ It gave me so much hope and joy -- I'll post it after this. Now if I could only interpret it!

Two days after Christmas I had a fantastic day. I dropped my partner at work so I could have the car, and went to meet a new friend (who found me on craigslist) at a coffeehouse. Amber is bouncy and outgoing -- I think we're going to get along famously. We talked for a good long while and it felt so comfortable! I've met several new people in the past few months, some of whom I got along really well with but none with whom I felt soo comfortable. I really like to be around people who have a higher energy than me -- I love all types, of course, but when I have no higher-energy people in my life I really miss it.

Later that day I wrestled my partner into going to see Enchanted with me in the theatre (he thinks only action movies should be seen on the big screen *pah*) and we LOVED it! My partner actually laughed out loud which he hardly ever does -- he usually laughs in this 'heh heh' kind of way, not 'ha ha ha!' I love his laugh ;-) The beginning is almost painfully ironic, mocking the syrupy-sweetness of the 'classic' disney films. There's also some subtler feminist irony which I REALLY loved, and one incredible curvy-positive moment that almost made me cry. See it!

Then as we were leaving my partner spotted his old friend Thiago, whom we haven't seen in AGES! It was so incredibly meant to be -- if we had left a little earlier or a little later we would have missed him. Thiago is this absolutely amazing guy; I can't put into words what it is about him, as I don't even know him that well, but I really love him. He's one of the most respectful people I have ever met -- he has a deep respect for every person as themselves, and that just radiates from him. You know he would respect a prostitute, a politician, a pastor, or a child equally (or at least, I feel so) -- and he's one of the very few guys I've met who gives me the impression that he respects women as much as men. When we walked up to him he was with several other people, and he put out his hand as my partner walked over to greet another guy (my partner didn't notice his hand out) -- I laughed and said "I'll shake your hand!" and put my hand in his, and he turned to me and gave me a hug. I was just beaming -- this guy feels like a spiritual brother to me. Just before we left Thiago hugged me again, and I must have just been glowing with happiness. He was so genuine! Genuine physical affection is absolutely the most wonderful thing to me -- those two hugs meant SO much. ♥ ♥ ♥

And this amazing day wasn't over (it lasted over 25 hours :D)! After my partner went to bed, I got on gtalk in the mood to chat for the first time in AGES (usually I just pop in long enough to check my email) and had the most AMAZING conversation with mourningdoveava! I friended him in August and we've had quite a few commentations, but never a real-time conversation before. We talked for over SEVEN HOURS overall, about so many things, and it felt like such a short time! We're so alike it's insane. No, really! I thought Hannah and I were alike, but I think Ava and I have even MORE in common! It blows my mind to the point where I have a hard time believing he's real. *pinches him*

I'm using my super-extremely-very-uper-duper awesome new icon right now despite it's irrelevance because I am totally in love with it. Yay self-adoration! :D I have more to say *overflows* but I will put it in other posts! I am so... fertile right now! yum, rain. :D

You may all now sigh with envy: last night I dreamed that I met Dani from A Shot At Love at my favorite coffeeshop. We started talking and then she became my girlfriend! :D :D :D (and then there were earthquakes, but I'm not sure that had anything to do with it...) But then I went to the coffeeshop today and she wasn't there *pouts* Wish I could remember more of the dream!


forgive my immaturity but OMG HOTT!!!
(and she's a firefighter -- how awesome is that??)

argh! I've gotten blocked, I strongly dislike when this happens. I have such a flood of new thoughts/feelings that I am trying to sort and express, and I took too long of a break from the expressing part and now it has all built up and bottlenecked. *growl* I've stopped reading my current nonfiction because it inspires too many MORE new thoughts! *deep breath* I suppose I'll dump a bunch of random stuff in this post and then I can get on with it all.

Private Practice ANNOYS ME with its rampant sexism and dull, unsympathetic characters. ( possible spoilers and anti-sexism ranting: on the FALSE concept of 'withholding' sex, the false concept that penis-in-vagina sex is the only 'legitimate' sex, the false concept that lack of sex is a good reason to dump a partner, and the idea that only women and children are susceptible to manipulation )

bah, this was supposed to be a post of bunches of stuff, but it is too long already. Anyway, I think I'll give Private Practice one more try and if it doesn't dump the sexism and get more interesting, I'm not watching, not even for Addison.

Grey's Anatomy: HOLY CRAP what an episode. Just... WOW! I just finished it and I might just watch the whole damn thing again right after this post. ( spoilers )

I've never watched a show that had so many characters I identified with so strongly, it's a little overwhelming! If you add Izzie + Callie with Christina history, you get me. also, this icon totally makes me smile whenever I watch it. and sometimes giggle!

I had the most beautiful evening last Saturday. ♥ My partner and I went to have dinner with Kazi (malignlibra), SabR (sabr), Brian (zodiacbw), Brad (racedriver95), and John (no LJ!) -- Brian made (delicious) lasagna for us at his house.

I don't know if I can do justice to the feeling I had among them. I felt home, in a way I have never felt before. I loved the Wynnes with all my heart, but I was extremely insecure when I lived with them and could not fully believe in their love or acceptance, and even though they never treated me as such, technically I was their servant -- I wasn't around purely for the pleasure of my company. The Wynnes gave me my first taste of family, but I experienced a full banquet of it Saturday night. Even on walking in, I felt comfortable (in a brand new environment with people I'd only seen a few times and two new people also), and as the night went on I felt it more and more. I felt safe, connected.

I'm still reflecting on why I felt so at ease and accepted among - strangers! Perhaps it's because none of the group loves lightly, there is no wishy-washy maybeness. If they choose to trust, they do so in a deep way. I could be wrong since they're still new to me (the guys anyway), but I don't think I am.

I felt an instant connection when I met Brian -- my spirit recognized his, and I loved him immediately. ♥ My spirit said he was one of the most open people I have ever met, which made no sense to my mind because outwardly he seems very reserved and private -- but my spirit would brook no argument. (I'm still trying to figure out what that means) We didn't talk at all, that I can remember (except that I complimented his cooking and he thanked me), but I felt such a connection. Loving someone so strongly, so quickly, is kinda scary, kinda thrilling, very confusing. At one point we thought Kazi was upset and SabR darted to the room she was, I started to follow and then hesitated and said, 'should I go?' and then looked at Brian for an answer. He looked in my eyes a moment and then kinda half-smiled and jerked his head toward the room and said, "c'mon," and we went to the room (it turned out that Kazi wasn't actually upset). In that small action I felt like he had looked into my soul to see if I really cared about Kazi and wanted to comfort her, saw that I did, and chose to include me. I felt like he understood me, believed in me, and trusted me -- just like that. Later I was talking with SabR and he was listening so intently (it made me feel so valued) -- I haven't actually had the guts to talk to him about all this because I'm afraid that it's all one sided *eek* but I really want to know if he was interested because he knows Kazi and SabR love me, or because he felt the same connection. ((I sent this post to him before posting to see if he was okay with me posting it, he said he was (but I scared him a bit, *eek*)))

Later we all watched Playing By Heart -- I thought it was just going to be myself and SabR and Kazi, but the guys were all interested! I sat between SabR and Kazi on the couch, with Brad and John on the floor in front of them, and I invited Brian to sit in front of me (I knew my partner would rather stretch his eons-long legs out on the recliner). He leaned his head against my leg as we watched the movie, which made me feel completely included. I was so incredibly happy, watching my favorite movie of all time while cuddling with such a close-knit group of people that I felt truly safe with.

ALSO! My birthday is in two days! and I get to spend the night with SabR and Kazi and then meet SabR's magical horse, Scarlette!

My partner and I had an interesting conversation tonight... lately it seems like we clash so much, but it feels productive, like we're getting somewhere. Tonight especially, we had a deep conversation about sharing pain and judging, and it felt so cleansing.

I believe that being open is absolutely essential in any deep relationship, and that means sharing joys and pain, every emotion... and for most people sharing joys is easy enough but sharing pain is hard. My partner's been working toward being more open with me, and before tonight he had never realised that that meant, in large part, sharing pain. That had been especially hard for him because he had believed that stating that someone had hurt him was judging that person. I explained that judging is stamping someone with their actions. It's not judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie and that hurt me" but it is judging to say, "so-n-so told me a lie, so they're a liar." The first is just stating a fact, the second is judging. But in his family, the response to anyone saying 'this hurt me' was to defend the action of the person who had done the hurtful thing. And yeah, they may have had good motives, but that is IRRELEVANT. If one does something that hurts another, it's WRONG, because it caused pain. And I believe that the best response to someone saying 'this hurt me' is to put yourself in their shoes, imagine how you'd feel, and tell them that you can see why it hurt, because if you had been in their situation you would have felt hurt in this way and that way, and then you say that you are sorry that they had to go through that and you give what comfort and love you can. You don't 'defend' the hurtful actions, because that makes the person in front of you feel that their pain is invalid, or worse, that their pain is entirely their own fault. It doesn't matter why -- that is a question that you ask AFTER the person has at least begun to heal.

This had created distance between my partner and I because he felt that he couldn't share pain with me because I would 'judge' the person by saying that their action was wrong, and I couldn't share my pain with him because he would invalidate it and make me feel like it was my fault. But we've worked through it, and we plan to trust each other with our pain... I already feel safer with him, I feel like we tore down this huge wall between us... I'm excited.

He also said that he's become so much more openminded lately that he'd be willing to let me put eyeliner and shadow on him (only not in public yet). *huge evil grin* I think he was influenced a bit by the other day, when I was watching an episode of Alias and I saw Michael Vartan in dark eye makeup and SHRIEKED at how hot he was. just OMG. and I gotta say, I'm proud of my husband for kicking out some mental-gender stereotypes. My partner is amazing, and he gets more and more amazing all the time.

Oh yeah, over my forced internet hiatus I rented seasons 1-4 of Alias. yeah. 88 episodes, no joke. And I can't wait for November 21st, for season 5! I haven't seen it mind you so don't spoiler it for me, you people who watch TV. I think we're gonna have to buy it, there's no way I could wait for it to go on MVP. I also bought The L Word season 3!!! on wednesday, and I'm trying to take it slow but I only have 4 eps left, WHY are there only 12? And most of it's already spoilered for me but I'm still enjoying it, and I like Helena's character more and more. maybe I'll blather on about that when I finish the season.

and I was very very good and took care of 30+ join requests for curvygirls but I still have another 20 or so to wade through. So much to catch up on!

Okay, I've been endlessly curious about The L Word since Nea and Vee keep gushing about it, so I rented the first two disks of the first season and watched all 8 episodes in a row tonight. And now I am boiling over with emotion!

( ramblings about The L Word )

Spent time with alariya; we went to my favorite restaurant and just ate chips and dip, and left a $3 tip for a $7.35 meal. ;-) We talked, enjoying each other's presence. It had been a while since we spent time together. She's in a very transitory period in her life, moving and changing jobs and learning to be herself -- it's quite a load on her shoulders, but she's strong enough, she'll get through. Sometimes I don't know what to say to her, how to help her. The problem is, a lot of what she has to do is inner struggles, and I can't help with those. I can just... offer support and share my experience.

We watched Foxfire, which she loved. I was struck again by the power of that movie. I feel like I am a Maddie without Legs... I want someone to burst into my life in a flare of color and inspire me to stretch. It gets really boring (and lonely) stretching yourself... I know how Legs felt when Maddie didn't go with her, I know that aloneness. I can understand Legs' character better than any of the others, I just can't be her, not yet, because I haven't stretched enough, or not in the right way. That fearless fire!

I'm going to get that tattoo, but I want to get it for myself only. I don't want to share it. I want to get it to symbolize my own fire, my own glowing self, my fearlessness. Me. Because really, I am Legs. I just haven't had all the calalysts in my life, I have the fuel but not the spark. But the spark will come.

Kristy came up for a few days -- and promptly took off with Rebecca and elya to North Carolina. But it didn't really bother me because I have adjusted my expectations. I had no idea the power you have over your own emotions. If you accept people as they are and don't expect more of them than they are likely to give, you're a lot happier and more free. I'm not pleased that she keeps me at a distance and seems to want me around just to adore her -- but you know what, there is nothing I can do about that, so I'm accepting it. I just had to realize that at this point in time, she does not want to be realfriends. And I am not responsible for her choices and the fact that she is really missing out by choosing not to be realfriends with me.

So we had casual fun on the day that she was originally planning to leave. She told me that when she heard that I was going out with the girls, she decided to stay an extra day, which I took with a grain of salt because she always tends to stay later than she plans to. But it flattered me all the same.

We went thrift-shopping, which resulted in three new shirts and two new dresses for a total of $17. ;-) Oh, and Miss K was so sweet -- she gave each of us $20, which meant my stuff was actually all a gift! And she took us all out to lunch, which was fabulously yummy.

Then Rebecca and Kristy and I went back to my flat to play with Kanika, and after a bit I decided that I absolutely had to wash my hair right then, so I told them they could leave if they were bored and I set up the bathroom (I have to have candles and music for washing my hair). Kristy offered to help me wash my hair, which I thought was so incredibly sweet, and so they both stayed in the bathroom with me while I washed my hair, and Kristy massaged my scalp for me. I wish Rebecca and I were that comfortable with each other when Kristy's not around. Kristy is the one person that I am never uncomfortable around -- 'cause I know that I can't shock her! And she seems to have a relaxing(?) effect on Rebecca.

Later Kristy and elya and I went to Kroger ('cause Publix was closed, otherwise I'd have pitched a hissy fit) and bought ice cream, and then we came back and watched movies. Guess what my suggestion was. "Playing By Heart," of course. I knew Kristy would love it, but I still don't really know what Rebecca and elya thought. I was scared to ask because I hate the idea that maybe they didn't like it. Kristy and I cuddled on the loveseat and I petted her hair for almost the whole movie. Seeing the character Joan smile in that movie makes me smile, it actually makes me happy. I can't help it.

Oh. And then Kristy and elya put on a country line dancing video and actually started learning the dances! It was hilarious. I thought elya was kidding when she pulled out the video, but no, she really rented it, she didn't find it at a garage sale for a quarter. After they wore out their craziness, we watched "Don Juan Demarco" which I found rather dull and silly, but Kristy actually petted my hair some while we watched it, so that made it worth it. That was another expectation thing -- rather than expecting her to offer, I asked, and I felt no compunction about it.

I rented Chocolat, which was an awesome movie. I like movies that are balanced enough to show why the 'bad guy' acts the way s/he does. And I loved how open-minded the main character was and how she showed kindness and understanding even to the close-minded townspeople. I just loved everything about the movie...and the river gypsies didn't hurt. I understand why everyone seems to think that Johnny Depp is so sexy now. mmmm long-haired gypsy men! And I think I understand evileve more now -- I think you can learn a lot about a person from watching their favorite movie.

Which is why I plan to watch some of your favorite movies -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is next, probably, since it's scream_baby & notashamed & ravensfeather's favorite. If you haven't already, tell me your favorites.

Ben and I are taking turns choosing which movie to rent, so we just rented Terminator 2, which has been his favorite since he first saw it when he was a little kid... and I tried so hard to like it, but I just couldn't find anything appealing about it. I suppose what I learned about Ben is that he likes his movies to be full of explosions and chase scenes? We were going to talk about it afterwards but he was too tired.

Ben dropped me off at alariya's place at 7:30 and I helped her organize a bit, 'cause she just bought a huge keyboard and rearranged her whole room to accomodate it, so things were a bit untidy.

We talked for a bit and then scurried off to Best Buy to get her a new ethernet card, stopped at Borders to use a bit of my gift certificate, and then we went to my current favorite coffeehouse (independent, locally owned, the best kind) and had yummmmmy drinks with shots of cinnamon. And we sat and talked about religion versus an actual relationship with God, various controversial topics -- and our dream designs for dresses (complete with rough little sketches).

Then we went back to her apartment and watched "Playing By Heart" again (so she could focus on Joan this time, her idea but I didn't argue with it) and she gave me the best massage I've ever gotten -- even better than Ben's dad, who has actually studied. She's just a natural. And she may not have fallen in love with the character of Joan like I did, but she understood what I saw in her.

Being with Ashley is just so easy and natural and beautiful. The only thing I don't like about spending time with her is that it ends, but at least I leave with a glowy loved feeling. ;-)

first, happy birthday phrankenstyne!

Second, damn.

I had no idea what it was like to be listened to, reeeeally listened to. Before tonight that is. And I know it sounds odd, 'cause I'm married to the best man ever, but ms. alariya has a talent for it.

I wonder if this is what my friends felt like when I listened to them... if so, no wonder they soak it up. If not, I need to work on my listening skills, 'cause this is like a drug, and it's so damn good and cleansing. I felt a little guilty, but I just poured it out, and for once it felt received rather than just released. She didn't even respond much, but I knew she wasn't zoning out or thinking about anything else, she was totally focused on me.

I was just the receiver this time; I've never ever ever been that before. (mostly 'cause it's just my pattern to be the giver, so I fall naturally into that role) This is totally new for both of us: she's never approached someone else for a relationship, and I've never been approached. I've discovered that it makes you feel so comfortable when you're the one being approached, because you don't have to worry about whether they really want to spend time with you or are just humoring you.

--------

We curled up together on her bed and watched "Playing By Heart"... she petted my back and hair and just made me feel so loved and comforted... She's the only friend I've ever felt absolutely comfortable cuddling with. I know without any doubt that she's comfortable with being hugged and touched, so I can be comfortable snuggling up against her legs or petting her hair.

And y'know, that movie affects everyone different(ly). (haha, inside "Playing By Heart" joke!) alariya was most touched by the Mildred/Mark relationship, Allison was most touched by the Meredith/Trent relationship, and I of course love the Joan/Keenan relationship. Go see that movie, y'all, it's awesome.

There was more I wanted to say, but "as the british say, 'I'm daggered.'"


P.S. If you haven't yet, please respond to my necklace design poll.

I just watched "Foxfire" -- the one with Angelina Jolie of course.

At the end, there's a scene where Angelina's character (who has a stupid nickname, so I'm just gonna call her Angelina) is about to hitchhike her way to somewhere else, and her friend Maddy is waiting with her. Angelina asks Maddy to come with her, and when she doesn't answer right away, Angelina tells her to wait until someone stops, then just do whatever feels right. So a truck stops, and there's a tense moment of waiting -- then Maddie says "I'll never forget you," and Angelina gives a brief, humorless laugh, and turns away, walking toward the truck door. She turns back and says, "You're in my heart," and then gets in the vehicle and it drives off.

When Angelina gave that laugh of shock, I felt it to the core of my spirit. Angelina had to leave, it was part of who she was to be a vagrant. She was desperately hoping that Maddie loved her enough to desert her comfortable life, sacrifice it all for her sake -- but she didn't.

And you might all think that I'm an arrogant, selfish creature, but I am different. In a very similar way to that character. I cannot stop being who I am for anyone else's sake -- I just can't, because I cannot betray my own essence... and so the only way I can connect is for the other person to step out of their comfort zone and grow weirder. I can't stop hoping for someone who is already like myself so that I don't have to hope for a sacrifice. DAMN. If I was in Maddie's situation, I'd have said, "there's no way in hell, heaven, or anywhere in between that I'm going to let you leave my life." And I'd have made that statement true.

Are there people who believe that love is worth sacrificing comfort for? That friendship is worth sacrificing your plans or even your dreams for? Are there people who believe that the most important thing that they will accomplish in their life is to love? or am I the only damn one besides Ben, God, and characters from Jolie movies that believes that way?

Everyone has higher priorities... I'd give up my writing talent, my looks, or my other gifts for the sake of Allison, Kaylene, or Kristy; maybe for others too. I don't put plans above people. And in this world, that makes me nothing but stupid.

--------

I'm so dreadfully lonely. Where oh where are the people that give their hearts without reservation? are there any? I can't understand the depth of my pain -- I feel like I've HAD that and lost it. Maybe I was friends with a girl like that before I was born and I'm just now starting to realize how much I miss her. Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? ...I miss you... I'm less of a person without you.

Oh God, please bring her into my life soon. My kind of soon.

I brought "Playing By Heart" over to the Wynne's today, and Paula and I watched it together... and I walked home crying because she didn't like it. That sounds so stupid... but that movie is very close to my heart, 'cause Angelina's character in that movie is so much like the person I want to think of myself as -- wild, free, impetuous, passionate -- and so I want everybody I love to just adore that character, 'cause it would say to me that they love the real ME... not just the nicy-nice person some people see, not the careful person I can be sometimes, but the me that I would have been if I had not been stifled. I would be such an awesome person if my parents hadn't beaten me into a ####### perfectionist. I would be happy with me. ...........I think.

Oh, God, what do you want me to be doing? I'm trying to trust you, but it's so hard...... Please help me. I don't know anyone who is more mature in you than I am -- except people like Pastor John and others who have no room for me in their lives -- and I need a mentor, or at least a companion. Ben loves you, but he's much younger in you than I, and he can't guide me through where he hasn't been. I have been striving to develop in you, and I've done it alone for so long... please send me someone who will help me GROW. I want to learn to trust you fully! I want to be able to conquer doubt. I have so many proofs of you in my life and I STILL doubt! WHY??????????????? Why can't I find anyone my age who desires you and isn't parochial... I feel soooooo alone alone alone, and you are the only one who can help me, oh my God. I want to be satisfied in truth.
I feel like the only one of my species. As much as I try to understand and connect with humans, after getting to know someone I run into that difference like a glass wall, and it always hurts... it often knocks me out. WHERE ARE THE PASSIONATE ONES??? Why is everyone so... oh yeah, so what, it doesn't matter, whatever, bland blank empty careless surface casual cool polite, smooth and featureless as mud, and about as appealing. Where are the people who honestly oooh and aaah at fireworks, dance because they can't help it, are delighted at every full moon, feel the ocean like a living thing, scream just because they feel like it, laugh loudly, make faces regardless of how glamour-less it looks, wear what suits them regardless of what others will think.... Where are they???

Paula is passionate... but she grew up Catholic, and she can be a little stiff. And she's old enough to be my mom. Yet if I could trust her not to get bored or disgusted with me I'd want to be realfriends with her. I'm afraid, afraid of her judging me because I like the word #### and because I'm no 'perfect lady' -- I don't manicure my nails or even shave my legs, most of the time. Afraid that she'll decide I 'just can't understand' her Panamanian culture 'cause I'm white. I'm not afraid that she'll look down on me because of my age -- she treats me like an equal. .... but I am afraid that the closer I get to her the more I will want her to be my mom. Today I wanted a mom -- I've never wanted one before. I'm so confused.

And Mark, my biofather, sent me the title to my car, along with a note which he signed with 'dad' instead of 'Daddy' like he always has before. I think this has to do with The Issue. Or maybe it has to do with me telling my biomom Patty that he's never been a father to me. That's the reason I can't trust her or be friends with her -- I don't trust Mark and telling Patty anything is telling it to Mark. She's so wrapped up in him that she has sacrificed her person -- listening to her is listening to 90% Mark's propaganda. She had HER feelings hurt because I didn't have Mark walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Instead, I had all four parents stand with us at the altar and give us to each other -- honoring all four parents instead of the one who has supported me the least of the four. I had honored Patty in a way most moms don't get, and instead of being flattered, she had hurt feelings because she had listened to Mark talk about how it had shamed the family. When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I've never thought of it that way before." *rolleyes* I know my bitterness toward my father needs to go, I know it's just trapping me in pain... but it's so hard for me to deal with. I squished it into the core of my heart for so long that it's hard to separate it out.


I never imagined that I could be angry with Spencer... but he's had over seven months to come to terms with the fact that he's having a daughter, and he still has a bad attitude about it. I understand that he has grandchildren already, and doesn't want another 18 years of parenting... but he needs to get over it and be joyful. I know this baby is going to be his favorite when she's born, but right now Paula needs him to be pleased, so she doesn't feel guilty -- and babygirl can sense his rejection and it's hurting her. I want to tell Spencer that, 'cause I don't think he knows, and I don't think he'd act the same way if he did know... but how can I say it? If I sound accusing he's just going to get angry at me... and I AM accusing, so how can I sound like I'm not? And him rejecting Risa brings up my memories of when my parents weren't ready for me when I was born... (yeah, you do remember that stuff in your spirit, and yes, it keeps on hurting until you face it and forgive your parents (apparently I haven't quite forgiven mine).) so I feel rejected too. I was so scared of Spencer on Monday, 'cause his attitude was just soooo angry. Angry men scare me, even tightly controlled ones like Spencer. I desperately wanted him to leave. Oh, that was a yucky day. He went shopping and made my favorite food that night, but I was still kinda scared. And his attitude improved since then, but when he says things that insinuate he doesn't want the baby it just makes me so scared and angry.

I just watched "Life or Something Like It." Bleh.

It would have been a decent, B+ movie except for two things:
1) Angelina Jolie's hair is short, fluffy and blond.
2) The male costar CANNOT act.

Unfortunately, those two things made it nearly impossible for me to concentrate on the plot or anything else about the movie. I mean, WHAT THE HELL???? Jolie's hair should NEVER, EVER be fluffy! That's like putting lipstick on a mountain lion -- it looks unbelievably stupid. The only times she looks anything like herself is when she's supposed to be looking awful -- ie. when she's smashed, when she just wakes up, and when she's wearing those supposedly "dorky" glasses (that actually look very attractive with her jawline). It's like the costume director was obsessed with the movie "Never Been Kissed" and tried to make this movie look like it.

And Ed Burns? I'm not sure how he got cast in ANYTHING.... or rather, I don't want to know what he did to get the part. A cutout would have played his role better. Then again, he was playing a rather flat character to begin with, so maybe it's not all his fault.


Oh, yeah, and there was one bit of dialogue that rescued the movie from complete mediocrity:

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"'Curiously Strong'... that's kinda like her, isn't it?"

"Y'gonna give me an Altoids metaphor now?"

"No-no-no, now listen. 'Cause uh, first you can only take her in small doses, right? Then after a while, you start to like the burn, y'know? You acquire a little taste for it, y'know? But it scares you, 'cause you're afraid one day the drugstore's gonna be flat out of Altoids, and then what? So you pick up some cinnamon gum or some uh, spearmint tic-tacs, but guess what? Nothing else is gonna cut it for you anymore, cowboy."
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