I brought "Playing By Heart" over to the Wynne's today, and Paula and I watched it together... and I walked home crying because she didn't like it. That sounds so stupid... but that movie is very close to my heart, 'cause Angelina's character in that movie is so much like the person I want to think of myself as -- wild, free, impetuous, passionate -- and so I want everybody I love to just adore that character, 'cause it would say to me that they love the real ME... not just the nicy-nice person some people see, not the careful person I can be sometimes, but the me that I would have been if I had not been stifled. I would be such an awesome person if my parents hadn't beaten me into a ####### perfectionist. I would be happy with me. ...........I think.

Oh, God, what do you want me to be doing? I'm trying to trust you, but it's so hard...... Please help me. I don't know anyone who is more mature in you than I am -- except people like Pastor John and others who have no room for me in their lives -- and I need a mentor, or at least a companion. Ben loves you, but he's much younger in you than I, and he can't guide me through where he hasn't been. I have been striving to develop in you, and I've done it alone for so long... please send me someone who will help me GROW. I want to learn to trust you fully! I want to be able to conquer doubt. I have so many proofs of you in my life and I STILL doubt! WHY??????????????? Why can't I find anyone my age who desires you and isn't parochial... I feel soooooo alone alone alone, and you are the only one who can help me, oh my God. I want to be satisfied in truth.
I feel like the only one of my species. As much as I try to understand and connect with humans, after getting to know someone I run into that difference like a glass wall, and it always hurts... it often knocks me out. WHERE ARE THE PASSIONATE ONES??? Why is everyone so... oh yeah, so what, it doesn't matter, whatever, bland blank empty careless surface casual cool polite, smooth and featureless as mud, and about as appealing. Where are the people who honestly oooh and aaah at fireworks, dance because they can't help it, are delighted at every full moon, feel the ocean like a living thing, scream just because they feel like it, laugh loudly, make faces regardless of how glamour-less it looks, wear what suits them regardless of what others will think.... Where are they???

Paula is passionate... but she grew up Catholic, and she can be a little stiff. And she's old enough to be my mom. Yet if I could trust her not to get bored or disgusted with me I'd want to be realfriends with her. I'm afraid, afraid of her judging me because I like the word #### and because I'm no 'perfect lady' -- I don't manicure my nails or even shave my legs, most of the time. Afraid that she'll decide I 'just can't understand' her Panamanian culture 'cause I'm white. I'm not afraid that she'll look down on me because of my age -- she treats me like an equal. .... but I am afraid that the closer I get to her the more I will want her to be my mom. Today I wanted a mom -- I've never wanted one before. I'm so confused.

And Mark, my biofather, sent me the title to my car, along with a note which he signed with 'dad' instead of 'Daddy' like he always has before. I think this has to do with The Issue. Or maybe it has to do with me telling my biomom Patty that he's never been a father to me. That's the reason I can't trust her or be friends with her -- I don't trust Mark and telling Patty anything is telling it to Mark. She's so wrapped up in him that she has sacrificed her person -- listening to her is listening to 90% Mark's propaganda. She had HER feelings hurt because I didn't have Mark walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Instead, I had all four parents stand with us at the altar and give us to each other -- honoring all four parents instead of the one who has supported me the least of the four. I had honored Patty in a way most moms don't get, and instead of being flattered, she had hurt feelings because she had listened to Mark talk about how it had shamed the family. When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I've never thought of it that way before." *rolleyes* I know my bitterness toward my father needs to go, I know it's just trapping me in pain... but it's so hard for me to deal with. I squished it into the core of my heart for so long that it's hard to separate it out.


I never imagined that I could be angry with Spencer... but he's had over seven months to come to terms with the fact that he's having a daughter, and he still has a bad attitude about it. I understand that he has grandchildren already, and doesn't want another 18 years of parenting... but he needs to get over it and be joyful. I know this baby is going to be his favorite when she's born, but right now Paula needs him to be pleased, so she doesn't feel guilty -- and babygirl can sense his rejection and it's hurting her. I want to tell Spencer that, 'cause I don't think he knows, and I don't think he'd act the same way if he did know... but how can I say it? If I sound accusing he's just going to get angry at me... and I AM accusing, so how can I sound like I'm not? And him rejecting Risa brings up my memories of when my parents weren't ready for me when I was born... (yeah, you do remember that stuff in your spirit, and yes, it keeps on hurting until you face it and forgive your parents (apparently I haven't quite forgiven mine).) so I feel rejected too. I was so scared of Spencer on Monday, 'cause his attitude was just soooo angry. Angry men scare me, even tightly controlled ones like Spencer. I desperately wanted him to leave. Oh, that was a yucky day. He went shopping and made my favorite food that night, but I was still kinda scared. And his attitude improved since then, but when he says things that insinuate he doesn't want the baby it just makes me so scared and angry.