such a small word... so much torment.
I was triggered twice by just reading my friends page today... once when I followed a link to a jokes community and some asshole posted a 'joke' implying rape of a child, and the other by the word 'rape' used metaphorically.I feel rather helpless about it now, and I'm chickening out by posting instead of commenting, but... I recently got a somewhat defensive reaction when I tried to talk about it, so... I'm doing it this way.
Rape is not 'joke' material. It's not even 'writing effect' material. Rape is the worst thing one human can do to another. It's not okay, in my opinion, to refer to 'rape' in any manner other than with great awareness of the horror and the tragedy that it encompasses. I think to do so is to trivialize the suffering of victims and to encourage the acceptance of the act, no matter how subtly.
To quote something I said recently...
"This is awkward to word because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to control what you write, not at all, and I don't want to offend. I have a problem with the word 'rape' being used lightly. I've been raped, and it is devastating -- it crumbles your whole world. For me, even the word hits me like a slap in the face (and I know it does for many other survivors too). Sooooo, I'm going out on a limb here and explaining this because I like you and I want to explain how I feel... and how possibly other girls feel and don't express. 1 in every 3 girls (the most recent study shows 38%) has been sexually abused in some way -- they just don't talk about it because there's a lot of shame attached.
I know you didn't mean it negatively, and I know that word doesn't hold the same impact for everyone that it does for me. It's just somewhat triggering to read, so I was hoping that (selfish as it may be of me to hope) you might avoid using the word casually in your journal in the future."
And I want to thank the few of you that have been so thoughtful and compassionate when I expressed these feelings to you, and have taken them to heart. Really, it meant a lot to me. It still means a lot.
-------
since I wrote this a few years ago, my susceptibility to being triggered has changed. I no longer feel the same horrible flashbacks -- but I do still find the casual, 'ironic' use of the word upsetting and offensive. Rape is the worst thing that a person can experience, and minor upsets like buying something that is overpriced or losing a game are absolutely nothing like it. If someone was describing an actual violation, an actual stripping of one's basic rights, then it would be an apt descriptive term, and while it would still bother me, I would see nothing wrong with it.
I feel that casual use of the word rape (or molest, used in a sexual connotation such as 'so-n-so is molestable') makes it more acceptable to joke about the actual act, which in turn makes the actual act seem less horrific and annihilating, more acceptable. I understand that not all people would agree with that, but it is something I feel very strongly about. I believe words have power, and how we use them affects the world around us. I believe our culture is growing more and more tacitly approving of sexual violation, and it bothers me extremely whenever I see it.
This is a set boundary for me, so I will not keep someone on my friends list after knowing that ze may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. To people I don't care about, I simply unfriend with no explanation when I see this, because it's never a nice conversation. If I pointed you to this post in response to you doing so, it means I care about you and want to give you the opportunity to reconsider your use of the word. I want to allow you to choose between losing the use of word in that way or losing me.
disturbed
I am so sorry :(
I do not think of you as a lesser woman for having been raped. Quite the contrary, I think of you as a fuller being for having come to terms (or at least, having taken steps toward doing so) with the crime. (I had put 'act' there, but, as you said, that seemed to trivialize it.) You are a strong woman who knows what her weaknesses are and knows where to turn for support for them. I commend you for all that you do.
Know too, that you are probably one of the caringest (I invented that word just for you) people I know, and it shows with each post you . . . post. Your husband Ben is a lucky man to have someone like you in his life.
On a side note, have you ever watched Law & Order: Special Victims Unit? (Probably not, if your friends page 'triggers' you) One of the main characters, Olivia Benson, is a child of rape, and an avid protector of young women that have (even fictitiously) had similar experiences to yours. She makes a point of telling each victim (because that is what they are. Victims of someone else's crime.) that they are not to blame for what happened. As much as defense attorneys try to make it out like it is their fault, it isn't. (I'm sure there was a point to that tangent somewhere. . .) I'm sure in your classes they tell you the same thing, and I can speak for myself, and probably the vast majority, when I say no one here thinks it is your fault.
(Maybe it's my over-analytical mind, but now I wonder if I've instilled doubt. . .I hate the way I think. . .)
All I'm saying is that you are loved and wanted and your need not hide your views under a bushel when it comes to something as serious as this being taken so lightly. Post your comment to their 'joke' and see what kind of person they are with their response. As a dead tree cannot bear good fruit, neither can a wise man say foolish things. (It's probably not Biblical, but it sounds like something Jesus would say. . .or Confucius. . .)
Well, they were pretty mild triggers, but during the early stages of my healing they wouldn't have been mild! They'd have crushed me. I'm glad I can look at that bit of progress, it helps me to keep going.
Don't worry, you didn't instill any doubt. ;-)
On that last bit, if a person seems to be fairly open, I will make the effort to explain the seriousness of rape, but if not, I refuse to 'throw my pearls before swine.' Maybe later when I am strong enough to actually argue over it -- who knows. For now, I pick my audience carefully (and sometimes make mistakes still, as with that one girl that made me nervous about posting this).
i was going to say that i was ashamed of myself, but i guess it was back when i didn't personally know any better.
I think the whole idea of a man using his strength and power to hurt, scare and abuse a female 'just because they can' or 'because they have the urge' is completly sick.
Recently three guys came up to me at the bus stop and started talking to me (read back a few entries in my journal) and trying to get me to go with them and things, luckily my bus came. Anyway, four days later, news of 5 girls getting abducted and raped in the same area by a rape gang of three men came out. Then they released a photo-fit which looked exactly like the people I'd spoken to. It sent shivers down my spine. I felt so lucky it wasn't me that had been a victim. I can't begin to imagine what being a victim would be like. But I admire your strength to openly talk about it and to express your feelings and anger on the matter rather than just bottle it down and end up destroying yourself inside.
Anyone who jokes about something so life-shattering seriously must have no heart.
By the way, browsing your journal, I noticed that you are a gorgeous curvygirl and yet you have a hard time accepting your body -- you should definitely join
Thanks for the support. *hugs*
AND, it's not only possible but likely that many others are uncomfortable and annoyed but hide it.
What is your opinion of that use?
For example in the book "We Were the Mulivanies" the daughter is raped early in the story and the rest of the book shows how each of her siblings and her parents react to it and how she herself deals with it. Its a sad stressfilled story, but its also very good at teaching the reader that rape is not something you should "hide" like it was a disease and that its NOT you or your families fault.
I think this use is perfectly acceptable because it is serious and it promotes awareness.
However, when its sketched breifely, or like in the case of the book I mentioned it happens in the background and you end up finding out what happened through everyones reactions not through the event itself, then its acceptable.
I feel that casual use of the word rape (or molest, used in a sexual connotation such as 'so-n-so is molestable') makes it more acceptable to joke about the actual act, which in turn makes the actual act seem less horrific and annihilating, more acceptable. I understand that not all people would agree with that, but it is something I feel very strongly about. I believe words have power, and how we use them affects the world around us. I believe our culture is growing more and more tacitly approving of sexual violation, and it bothers me extremely whenever I see it.
Unfortunately this is something that is a set boundary for me, so I feel I can't keep you on my friends list after knowing that you may use sexually violent language in a casual manner. My flist is a safe space for me, and if I were to keep you I would worry whenever I saw a post from you, concerned that you might do it again and I would feel even more alienated from you.
I don't know how to say all this in a way that doesn't sound demanding or judgmental. Perhaps it simply is demanding and judgmental. But it is a belief of mine. To people I don't care about, I simply unfriend with no explanation when I see this, because it's never a nice conversation. But I do care about you so I wanted to have the conversation. It's definitely not my intention to try and change you, but just to let you know how I feel so that if you didn't care much about the use of the word rape, then it would be eliminated, and if you did, then you could understand why I feel the way I do.
I really really hope that I haven't caused you to think badly of me.