what terrifies me: rape
Bugs, snakes, and rodents don't usually bother me (though a certain bug grosses me out to the point of nausea, and I have a violent hatred of roaches); I've always liked bats; heights are a little scary but nowhere near terrifying; storms are exciting and invigorating; closed-in spaces are cozy; airplanes, tunnels, and bridges are fun; I love crowds; and speaking in public is something I've daydreamed about since I was a kid. I don't have what Forbes.com calls the most common fears, but I'm not fearless.I have a fear that many people experience but few ever talk about. I fear rape.
The hardest thing about this fear is that it is a logical one. More than one in three women (38%) and one in nine men are sexually abused before the age of 18. Considering the fact that many people block out their experiences as a way of coping and those who do remember rarely tell of their abuse because of perceived shame, I am certain that the true numbers are much higher than the known numbers. And that does not even take into account rapes committed on adults! Opposite to popular belief, rape is common.
I am afraid for myself, because I have experienced the devastation of rape and I know how it shatters a person. I fear that if I experience it again, I will once again be filled with hatred and crippling paranoia. When I first began working through the abuse I suffered, I could not even step on the front porch unless my partner was with me, and when I was alone at home, I was full of anxiety that someone might break in. I have overcome much of my fear since then -- this summer I even went on a road trip of seven hours by myself -- but I still struggle. And unfortunately, I know that a certain level of fear is rational because rape is not rare, so I cannot dismiss my fear entirely.
I do fear for myself, but I am truly terrified for children. Every time I see a charming, pretty child, I at first feel hopeful happiness because of their faith and beauty, but all too often, I remember how that faith can be betrayed, that beauty stolen, and I'm filled with despairing fear. I stare hard at their parents, trying to see if they will protect their children, and I pray desperately that they will.
I combat this fear by reminding myself that I have healed so much, and that others can heal too; that the wounds can be turned to scars and stop hurting. I focus on sending out love so that I can help stop the cycle of hurt people hurting other people, and I do what I can to increase awareness and eradicate apathy. I concentrate on my belief we all chose to come to this life, chose to go through suffering and destruction so that we could grow. Most of all, I remember that even though the rest of us can be wounded or even destroyed, the spirit is eternally incorruptible; it can be hidden away or silenced, but it cannot be harmed. The truest part of us is unbreakable.
LJ idol topic 2: "What terrifies me." ((please vote for me here!))
My husband confessed his biggest, deepest secret to me and it still makes me cold and sick with horror, terror and rage. He had been six. The person who had done it had been thirteen. A family friend he'd trusted. A teenager. A sick, sick teenager.
But my husband took those emotional scars and that pain and he built himself up, despite a decade or more of nightmares, and channeled it all into helping others. For which I love him all the more.
Just thought I'd throw that in there.
*huge hug*
I commend you for the bravery to write about such personal violation.
And knowing how long it's taken me to deal with the (accidental) sexual abuse I experienced as a teenager makes me so afraid that if anything else ever happens, I won't be strong enough to recover.
*offers hugs* I'm so angry that this happened to you, and I admire your courage in breaking the silence.
*hugs*
I have to ask. What bug grosses you out so much? I have a completely irrational fear of moths. I almost wrote my entire post simply on my hatred of moths!
but uh, kudos for writing about it...maybe i'll work on that courage thing and read it all by the end of the week.
Also thank you for using the style code in your entry because your layout isn't work safe! Super yummy cookies to you!
And the soul, the soul is truly unbreakable.
The post is much more out of anger than healing...but it has all been part of the process.
Love, love love.
I'm glad you've healed and have come so far. Keep up the good work!
I see the same strength, power, and beauty in you through your posts and your words and your poems and photos.
Survivor.
SURVIVOR, damn it.
I watched SO hard over my daughter, and yet at 1.5 she was abused too. My other children. Oh man do I hover. But you know, not ONE of them has been abused since. Probably helps that I'm a stay at home mom.
But I think I've gone the opposite direction on rape. I'm scared for my kids. But me? I think I'd be ok if it happened again. Because it's just my body, they can't touch *me*.
*hugs* I'm sorry you had to go through it.
I have never been raped, but I do fear it. We're taught to fear it. We're told that if we DON'T fear it, it's our own fault if it happens. I've actually been thinking about this issue lately because I have had to be on campus at night for studying/partying, and each time, my nerves are almost raw because I'm so frightened of being attacked. Even though I know that, statistically, my boyfriend would be more likely to rape me than a complete stranger, it's still something that has been ingrained in my mind. I wish that I could walk where and when I pleased, but... maybe someday.
Again, I'm really sorry. I can't imagine how you felt/are feeling, but I try to empathize/listen. *hugs*
Your story and fears have been expressed eloquently and considerately.
Thank you for being able to share.
*hug*
I have always feared rape, getting attacked when I am home alone or waiting for the bus late at night after class.
Thank you for sharing this.
I have experienced molestation not full on rape but it has happened many times and can be just as devastating to the psyche. I hate people. I lived in fear of men for years before finally working through my fears by myself mostly but I had the help of male friends who proved they weren't sexual deviants.
I recently got flashbacks from being raped 18 years ago over the weekend...and that's bloody terrifying (I don't plan to write about it) -- Being that I'm a multiple, connecting the dots can be outright confusing at times...
rodents.....i had a "house mouse" in my bedroom and i named him Jorge, lol. he was so smart that when i gave him some food, he took it to the trap and put it on the trigger, snapping it to get to the peanut butter covered gumdrop. but he died because he got a little too close to the trap. bats...i HAVE to tell you a story about bats. maybe if i can figure out the private message thing, i can message you about it, because it's too long for a comment (complete with pictures of a cute Big Brown Bat). tunnels (ever go thru the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel? fun fun fun!!).
i completely understand the fear of raped. i was raped twice...once when i was 10 by a (14-year-old) foster kid my grandmother had living w/ her and another time 6 years ago 15th November by 2 guys i thought of as friends. so it's still a fear of mine, and i continue to fear men of a certain race (bordering on complete and utter hatred for the race and language itself, which is really hard on me and makes me feel racist...i hate that i cant see these people as human beings and not as just potential rapists). and i always look at little kids the same way you do. thinking the same things you said above. i can only imagine when i have kids that theyre gonna be so tired of me being so overprotective of them.
You continue to bring new thoughts to my head and I love you for it.
Great post, Bel. :) *hug*
You are brave and powerful... your entry showed me that in spades.
Many people very close to me have been raped, and I think it's one of the most selfish,hateful and bitter things that a man can inflict to the the mind and body of a woman (let's face it, that's the majority of the scenarios). I share your fear- I don't know what I would do if someone touched my unborn daughter in such a vile fashion.
I admire your ability to fight hatred with love- that's evidence of a great potency of character in that. Thank you for giving testimony to your strength.
rape is real, it does happen and we have to protect and believe our children
As long as you count with support and comfort form people who loves you, it will be a bit easier to handle this fear.
You are strong and wise.
For the record, i absolutely love thunderstorms, airplanes, tunnels, bridges and heights, but fear all the rest of the common fears. :P
It took alot of courage to write this. This is the best line.