rant: I hate the idea of 'honeymoon phase' or NRE / start with reality rather than fantasy / IFE
icon: "voltaic (me, face at a sharp angle staring out of one eye with a slight smile and streaks of rainbow light on my face)"
I LOATHE the idea of a 'honeymoon phase' or 'new relationship energy' (NRE). I hate it like I hate the idea of men being less emotional than women (which, in case you didn't know, is empirically untrue). It implies a lie. It is true that some relationships are only good for the first 1-2 years. What is false is the idea that this shift is naturally occurring or inevitable. It is NOT AT ALL 'natural' to stop being excited about your lover. It's a sign that one or both of you need to develop your intimacy skills and/or personhood (or it may be a symptom of general lack of nourishment, or lack of common ground). The only thing that you have at the beginning that you can't have forever is novelty. If you crave novelty, just call it novelty. Stop acting like it is a part of every relationship or that every relationship has a 'honeymoon' and 'post-honeymoon' stage.
Reality can't dull anything that is real. I realized today that probably some people begin relationships with a fantasy of perfection. Starting out with fantasies and trying to see how much of each others' fantasy you can fulfill is not remotely appealing to me. I prefer to start out with nothing but questions and figure out what potential currently exists based on who each person is now (not who they want to be, not who the other person imagines them to one day be). Starting out with the idea of 'perfect' and working backwards to 'possible' seems inherently disappointing to me. Of course you're going to lose excitement that way -- but it's a loss of your ability to pretend, not an actual loss of something real. This is why in my relationships, I want to figure out if I have compatible values, goals, skills, and needs with a person BEFORE I invest deeply in them. Otherwise I'm likely to end up putting pressure on them to be what I want and need, and vice versa, and we're both going to end up hungry and drained.
Going back to the idea of NRE -- I don't believe in it. What people call NRE is actually IFE -- intimate focus energy. The giddy, excited, highly-nourished state is not caused by novelty, and does not have to dissipate with time. It gets associated with newness because in the beginning of a relationship there is a lot of fear and anxiety -- fear of losing this person, anxiety about making mistakes, etc -- and that gets channeled into focusing intensely on the other person (Abby coined the term "fear-spark" to describe this). You watch their every move because you're trying to figure out how to interact with them in a safely intimate way, and BECAUSE you're watching their every move, you're enchanted by them. Everyone is amazing if you look closely enough (well, everyone who isn't evil). Then, when you know them well enough to feel safely intimate, you stop looking so closely, and you stop noticing their amazingness. You take them for granted, because you can. And you call that the end of NRE and assume it is a natural phase of relationships. It's common, but it is NOT inevitable and it is NOT biological.
Yes! I feel the same way!!
I like your theory about IFE, but I do think there is something to novelty, because (to me, at least) falling in love is like discovering a whole new world. Certainly, you're intimately focusing on it as well - but when you fall in love with someone new, you gain access to all these feelings/insights you often have never had before, and that - the feeling of discovery, or maybe even "miracle" - does create its own, unique form of energy.
That being said, I think IFE is something that often overlaps with NRE, and while you can never quite get the NRE back (by definition), the IFE rises and ebbs with the reasons, almost. In my own relationship, for example, I often feel wildly excited about my partner even after over two years (which, I realize, is not terribly long, but long enough that most people consider it past the stereotypical "honeymoon" phase). However, it's much more of a renewed appreciation for something I have already, as well as an ongoing joy over something I feel like we've built and something I feel like I can rely on/come home to. When my relationship was new, I felt like a kid walking into a candy store for the very first time and first learning what deliciousness really was - the novelty is exciting because you never realized, or never experienced, that deliciousness for yourself before. Then it does become "normalized," and the sort of precariousness giddiness you feel at first gives way to something even better: the idea that the candy will never go away :D
...also, WOW, I wrote an essay, I am sorry. Apparently I have a lot of feelings on this topic!
yes, this. I've been with my partner for almost 16 years, and it definitely ebbs and flows. Sometimes we each have too much going on in our own lives to put as much focus on the relationship as we'd like, but that's an understood thing. As long as it doesn't go too far, it's an accepted part of the cycle.
I think we can't sustain that amount of focus permanently because if we did, we'd wind up ignoring our own needs.
Also, I see the honeymoon phase a little differently. Not only are you getting to know someone new, with all that comes with that, but you're getting to know yourself through someone else's eyes, which can be equally exciting.
I really like this statement. I know I've had different partners bring out different sides of my personality and it was just as interesting learning about these new sides of me as it was learning about the new sides of them as things started out.
definitely! I don't think it is healthy to have IFE all the time because then you would not be investing enough in the rest of your life. And it's also not possible to have it all the time because it takes way too much work!
For me, getting to know myself through someone else's eyes is HUGELY exciting but happens just as much with people I know very well as it does with new people. For me, the only time it is lacking is when one or both of us get in a rut where we are not learning and growing (which could happen at any point in the relationship).
Not only are you getting to know someone new, with all that comes with that, but you're getting to know yourself through someone else's eyes, which can be equally exciting.
Ooh, very true! Actually, that was always one of my favourite parts about seeing somebody new.
I understand that some people do like novelty... it's just not connected to love, for me. Those feelings and insights, I tend to have more often by deliberately creating them with people I already know extremely well. And I feel certain that I am not the only one, and that people are cutting themselves off from having these by thinking that they can't make them happen but have to just stumble into them.
I think part of my problem is that I just don't have much of a fondness for novelty, or rather, I don't find it exciting. So for me, the 345466th time I had the candy is as good as the first time, as long as I am being fully present.
Personally, I do like the novelty, but I think the quality of novelty actually differs between relationships that are short-lived and relationships that ultimately go the distance, if that makes any sense. The difference isn't always immediately appreciable, which is why people do get confused. I wasn't a particularly romantic/giddy person before I met my boyfriend, so when that happened, I guess I felt sort of a personal awakening? So, it wasn't just that I was sleeping with this sexy new guy, even though I was - it was more that I'd finally met somebody who gave me feelings I'd never previously had access to. For that reason, I appreciate the "novelty," although I suspect what I'm really talking about is something deeper. Anyway, now, I still have access to those feelings, and they've only grown since those first months - so the IFE is still very much there, and, as you said, something that requires active input from both parties to make happen.
mm, I think I understand the difference you're talking about. There's having a new experience, and then there is discovering a new facet to life. They're both novel, but the second one has far more profound effect.
Yes!! Me too!
I think the worst thing is to put up a front that you are exactly what you think the other person wants, because you won't be able to keep it up forever, or will just resent it. I wish I had been more frank about some of my own needs and limitations in the beginning, but here we are.
Also, the statement about men being less emotional than women is on point. Men aren't less emotional, they're just socialized to believe it's inappropriate to express themselves honestly. Men are only allowed to be joyful/victorious and angry. Anything else must be stifled.
These four words could sum up my idea of romance ;-)
Men aren't less emotional, they're just socialized to believe it's inappropriate to express themselves honestly. Men are only allowed to be joyful/victorious and angry. Anything else must be stifled.
SO SO true. I was just thinking about this yesterday and considering how difficult it is to really connect with other people when one feels like one can't even connect with oneself.
I remember my first serious relationship when I was 19... I was actually really concerned when we hit the like... 6 month mark, I think, because I'd read about how that's when the ~honeymoon phase~ is over and I was legitimately stressed out that he'd decide out of the blue that he didn't like me/want to date me anymore because of that. Lol poor naive me.
I definitely get a huge kick out of the novelty of a new relationship/whatever but at this point in my life, like you say, I recognize that as novelty, instead of trying to call it something else.
I remember this! I had the same experience! and also my first romantic relationship started when I was 19, heh.
I don't have very much experience with relationships, but I see parts of this discussion applying to other things as well. ie, when you get a thing that you've wanted, you're excited about it, and then get used to it and maybe start taking it for granted, but it doesn't have to be that way. I like to look around at what I have and count my blessings, and I still get really happy even about things that I've had for a long time and have gotten used to. It all depends on how you pay attention to things.
Looking specifically at relationships, I find the idea of IFE very interesting. It's making me wonder how that would apply to me, because I already have a tendency to hyperfocus, and don't experience a decline in my level of focus (unless I'm tired or not feeling well). But like I said, I don't have much experience with relationships, so I'm not sure if that tendency to maintain intense focus would apply to people too, or if that's something that only happens when I'm engaged in some task.
So far I've stayed intensely focused on T without any decline (except when tired or not feeling well, or when I needed to take some time for myself) but it's only been a year. And I wonder if the fact that it's long-distance might be a factor there too; would it change if I could see her every day? I want to say no, I can't imagine not being this interested in her all the time, but I've never had opportunity to test that so I don't really know. It's an interesting topic to ponder, anyway.
YESSSSS. I think this is part of the reason I tend to be so drawn to other ADD people like myself, because hyperfocus is such a boon for intimacy.