spiritually inspired/nourished / how I meditate / what eye contact feels like for me
icon: "woven souls (me and Hannah lying naked on black cloth, with legs entwined, laying on our sides facing each other with one set of hands entwined with each other's, and the top shoulder leaning back, relaxed. there is a red and violet overlay with the violet coloring me and the red coloring Hannah)"
I haven't been this regularly spiritually inspired and nourished -ever. I was gonna say "in a long time" but really, I think the previous longest streak that felt like this was a week and a half. I can't express how good it feels. I think part of what is fueling it is the fact that I've been keeping up with writing and daily photo-taking and daily unprompted openness and regular time with friends and time in nature. The flow of creativity and connection is very inspiring. Also I think I'm in a great place where I am starting to develop things that I have already discovered, and it builds much faster than when I'm initially just fumbling around.
This Wednesday I met up with Cass (a close friend of Heather's who I have known peripherally for a long time) and we had some great talks. Partway through we parted so that I could do my weekly meditation, and I sat on a dock next to the river and stared at the water for a while, and closed my eyes for a while, and had a difficult time settling in. Eventually I was able to get in the space (it is much harder for me when I am not in my sanctuary) and as I was meditating I realized that I want to re-make my sistrum with a heavier handle, perhaps with stones embedded. I felt really pleased with this prospect. After meditation Cass asked if they could ask me what my meditation was like. I said firstly, you can always ask me any question ever, and on the rare occasion when I don't wish to answer, I will just say so. Then I rambled about what I do and as I did so came to realize what it is that I do.
I don't ever do emptiness meditation. Sometimes I hold an object and focus on it, sometimes I gaze at something and focus intently on that, sometimes I look through a deck of oracle/tarot cards, sometimes I read a book, sometimes I chant, sometimes I dance, sometimes I focus on my breathing, sometimes I focus on a situation that I want to change. In a good number of these, I am thinking. But when I start going down a thought-trail I have already explored, I stop. And I just block off old thoughts, one by one, until new ones have a chance to come up. I developed this totally unintentionally but I really like it.
Cass also asked me what eye contact feels like for me, which was also a question I hadn't considered. I reflected, and said that with most people I become a mirror, they look in my eyes and see themselves reflected, but through a lens of compassion. The first time I did silent prolonged eye contact with someone, the person cried and cried (that one was at least 10 minutes). People always seem to have a strong emotional response. I tend to get a strong sense of their pain or longing when this happens, sometimes seeing bits of memories that aren't mine. I enjoy giving them feelings of being noticed, of being cared for.
I'd really like to get that feeling others seem to get, but I think that maybe that requires a skill most people don't have or maybe I unconsciously block off the flow in that direction or both. I know I need to trust the person on multiple levels: trust that they want to see me truly and without a role or pedestal, trust that when they see me they will be reverent, trust that they can handle my full self without crumbling, trust that they will not use what they learn to manipulate me whether on purpose or accidentally, trust that they will not attach to me or pull my energy from me. So, yeah, writing this out I realize why I have rarely had eye contact be so emotional for me; that list is a rare and extremely high level of trust. I have such a deep level of easy-vulnerability that the vulnerable-to-me level is something most don't seem to look for. Few people seem to realize that more exists, much less ask me to open that up for them.
I have had transcendent eye contact, mostly during sex. I feel like that is when people get in a space of focus where it is easier for them to try and see me without getting distracted by their reflection. Also, there was this barista I met in a coffeeshop when I was 19, who from the moment I met them locked eyes with me and it felt comfortable and easy and natural and loving, and we had amazing conversations for the 6 months that I frequented that coffeeshop. But between that person and now, I have had a number of experiences where people would make eye contact with me and try to attach to me or pull from me, both of which feel like someone trying to sneakily rub their genitals on you. It's awful. But then the people that I do trust tend to consider eye contact too difficult. So I don't make a lot of eye contact now, relative to me. Relative to your average person I make a SHITTON of eye contact.
This leads me to a question which you don't have to answer: Do you practice holding eye contact with yourself in the mirror? What is that experience like for you?
The feeling I get that's so wonderful with eyegazing is being able to let love and appreciation pour forth through me, and being witnessed by the other in offering that gift of love. When I was starting to do it, early on, all I saw was projections of myself; it took a while to sink in and start to see the other more clearly, but now I'm able to separate the two pretty easily. So for me it's a pouring love forth and a being witnessed in that love I am offering, because one of the most sacred things in the world to me is simply this, from a chant: "All I ask of you is forever to remember me as loving you." For someone to witness that, and know that, and remember that, that is a deep peace for me.
I felt something in my eyegazing with you that felt a bit like holding back, perhaps, but not quite, just that there was a hell of a lot in your eyes that wasn't ready to be revealed, and a bit of it did over time, like a pot of water slowly warming on a stove. There was a solidity in your gaze that I don't often find, not that that's a good or bad thing, just a beautiful aspect of your being in the moment. I was kind of just curious and wondering if and how more might be revealed because I could see there was so much more dancing beneath the surface and I wanted to gently coax it forth, and within myself, I also noticed this desire to be more playful (as you noticed in its subtety) and let go of something that was holding back but being unsure how to do that. But if you're interested I can share with you the most powerful eyegazing exercise I've ever done that is rather intense but it certainly breaks down walls. :)
So, yes, I could definitely sense that there was sooo much more there, that not to diminish the beauty of it at all there was something somewhat tepid in our eyegazing, and I perhaps don't ask for more, not because I didn't see the potential -- I very much did -- but because so many people don't see within themselves that there is more there to be opened, so I hesitate to tell them that I see places that haven't opened up and that I want to see those places. And also you were tired. :P I don't want anyone to feel like I'm asking them to do the impossible or that I don't fully appreciate exactly what is appearing in the moment. But I don't know, I'm wondering right now... maybe it's never something I need to hesitate to offer when I want to see more of someone. Maybe it's not trusting their divine vastness when I don't trust them to on some level get what I mean when I say I want to see more of them.