Aurilion's visit - first kisses! / hyper-aware of PDAs, awed at newness / bi-poly = true me
I have this 'crowd blindness' where I cannot recognize people when I meet them in public -- even Nimajn or others I've known for years. (I think it may be that I see people as a collection of features rather than a whole, so I have to mentally check each feature) It takes me a little while to mentally place a person, so when Nimajn and I picked Aurilion up from the airport, I was worried that I would not spot zir because the flow of people was moving so fast. I needn't have worried! Ze spotted me, yelled "BEL!", dashed over and barreled into me, almost knocking me over, and hugged me so tightly ze squeezed out my air. Then ze kissed me and I automatically turned my cheek to zir before I realized that ze was aiming for my mouth -- then I turned back to kiss zir on the lips.My first same-sex kiss! My first kiss with anyone-not-Nimajn! My first mouth-kiss in public in YEARS! I was quite intoxicated from the newness of it and beamed and stumbled my way out of the airport, holding hands and swinging arms delightedly. As Nimajn drove us home (such a wonderful gift ♥), Aurilion and I sat in the back seat and kissed and kissed and kissed. Oh God/dess, such kisses ♥
Throughout the visit, I was hyper-aware of touch in public. This was really weird for me because I'm used to being almost defiantly affectionate with my female-bodied friends in public, and I know I have been assumed to be lesbian many times. But it being actually romantic made it feel SO DIFFERENT. I felt so much shyer. At first I was like "wtf, Bel, is this internalized homophobia? I thought you were way past that!" And as I thought about it I realized that I would have felt the same if Aurilion had been male, so that wasn't the reason. Instead, I think it was because: I've only experienced romance with a person who has not liked public displays of affection, and thus I have been 'trained' for the past 6+ years to reserve my romantic stuff for privacy; I'm still getting over the fear that people will think I am cheating on Nimajn and therefore dishonest; and most of all it's just new on so many levels! Most people have more than one romance before getting married, and I had never even held hands with anyone except Nimajn until this week. I felt so young and inexperienced! I felt SHY. The shyness faded pretty quickly, but the wonder-at-newness remained. It's so. freaking. amazing.
I think part of me feels 'legitimized' in a way. Like, I have known that I'm bisexual and polyamorous for a long time now but I had never experienced an actual bi-poly relationship in practice. I'm glad it didn't happen earlier because I would have called this 'proof' but I don't need 'proof'. It just feels good to finally be living it; I'm not sure how to explain that. It's like I have come into my own. This is me! and I love it.
I must admit that I was surprised that you hadn't kissed a woman, though. I honestly thought that you would have to break a few hearts, given how open and honest you are. It must have been wonderful sharing your first same-sex kiss with someone you have cared about for so long - I hope to have that someday too.
This really made me happy, and I hope that the two of you will get to visit one another very soon.
haha! I only realized I could be and have been attracted to women about 3 years ago, and I have been married all that time. And I only realized I am polyamorous maybe a year ago? so there hasn't been much opportunity, but yeah, in some ways I'm surprised too ;-)
thank you for being happy for us!
*wide smiles*
Same sex kisses are fantastic.
The first woman I ever kissed was one of my best friends, and it was in front of our husbands -- who were very happy about it. She was so soft and pliant, I kept thinking I might bruise her. We women are so soft!
ah, this is a good read.
I myself am coming into my own about my feelings and poly. The hetero/homo wars have been fought against and won recently, but I didn't realise how much all of this would impact my life.
I'm glad to at least know someone with similar ideals online. Thank you for being a role model of sorts, a pillar of strength, and for following your own heart and mind.
♥ thank you SO MUCH for saying that! what a wonderful compliment!
I hope you will share your feelings about poly, I am very curious.
*hugs* thank you so much ♥
well, I went from being curious myself years ago to tolerant and then finally realising that I too have so much love to give, that I can understand the want... or even NEED, rather, to have multiple partners.
Some people see it as being selfish but I don't think they fully understand - it really isn't about quantity. Being poly and (to a degree) bisexual means there's a lot of heat being taken from people who've no clue what it means to be such a person. That's why I'm sort of not disclosing it to others I don't feel I can trust.
I'm still figuring out what it means to me, anyway. I'm glad for the friends who don't fall into this category - one of them even asked about me and how I discovered this about myself, which is more productive than I could've hoped. If you've got the questions, I've got the answers... hopefully. Everything takes time. :-)
there's an understatement! haha! How could giving more be selfish? perhaps it would be selfish if one were only in relationships for what they could get, but that would be true whether they were with one person or many.
I know what you mean about being bisexual. People just want to make you conform to the norm -- whatever the 'norm' for that person is. :-p
what DOES it mean for you? I know that is a terribly vague question and you don't have a fully formed answer but could I have your stabs in the dark? ;-)
It means I have to learn to not only confront but accept (in certain areas) whatever jealousies or insecurities I might have. Just because I feel I can do something doesn't always mean I'm ready to challenge the weak bits about myself. I have to be more sensitive to the needs/wants of others who are most important in my life - this is actually good because I do tend to be selfish a lot, which I mostly credit to my Leo core.
Funny. Seems as though opening myself to more than one person would increase my chances of meeting people, but that's not what I'm after. I want to really intimately get to know people. I want to know what inspires them. I want to teach and learn.
I've got to learn to be more patient with myself and others too, and not just in a romantic sense. This is forcing me to question a lot of things about myself I thought I had all figured out for years, and it's scary.
I recognise that my being poly (or at least poly-curious/tolerant) is a lot like my being queer - I have to be aware that this is apart of me, but I don't always have to be dating a woman or more than one person for this about me to be true (although some people need to see/experience to believe).
*tries again*
I am so happy reading this entry. SO happy for you. I totally relate to being scared of being loving in public in a way because I've always been terrified of kissing Nick around friends because I've been terrified they'll think I'm pushing them away. I know it's not the same as being nervous about kissing in public at all but I think it's going to be a big stretching thing for me to get used to kissing you guys in front of each other and with friends.
*imagines shy you* so cute!
I definitely think I'll deal with the anxiety of people thinking I'm cheating. I know for a fact that anxiety will be there just because I'm so new to polyamory and even though I know it's the furthest thing from cheating and understand it, I've always been in a monogamous relationship and it's going to take time to undo all of that programming.
I'm so so glad that you had this time. I'm so glad you had wonderful kisses and wonderful touching.
Ohhh and I hear you on feeling legitimized. Obviously I haven't been through this YET (HEHEHEEH :-D 14 days!) but I can imagine it will feel that way for me too. And I totally hear you on this not being 'proof' because it doesn't need proof.
It does feel like you're coming into you own. I love you. I love youuuuuuuuu!
I was so ready to pounce you, omg.
I have to say, this was so the perfect entry to read. There were also some things I wanted to do, like holding hands in the steakhouse, but I was so (is "afraid" the right word?) ... something that I might melt. it felt so weird to be so distant from you *much prefers the near kissing distance of the outside the coffeeshop area*
You are so excellent. Absolutely
yeah, the steakhouse was... an interesting experience! Me wearing the scent of Bastet and you being giddied :D
oh god/dess.. lord/lady that was um.. catnipped. just catnipped.
^.^
I have the same trouble with spotting people in public. They all blend together to me. People tend to think I'm ignoring them if I don't wave or such in the street, but I actually just don't see them.
I, too, was surprised this was your first kiss with a female-bodied person. :) How sweet, though! YAY!
YAY indeed! :D
I am glad you have happiness though.
thank you!
awwwwwww!! what a lovely post! i'm so happy you and
aurilion are having a great time together. the whole
"kissing in the airport" sounds so sweet & cute! hehe.