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belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (pain)
Monday ··· 10·17·05 ··· 05:01 am
fighting, weakening... exhausted and lonely
I've been deeply struggling for the past day or so, fighting to keep my head above water... I read something about an abuse that didn't trigger me (which is good, it shows progress) but did make me terribly terribly sad. And I keep trying to let it go... but I can't quite seem to do it. And Ben's been having allergy/asthma problems... so I feel like I shouldn't add any burden to him, and if I told him I know he'd most likely feel worse than I do. I'm lonely.

I'm really really lonely. And my spirit has fought so hard for the past two weeks... I'm exhausted.

I just want someone to hold me... someone stronger than me... and I want the freedom to weep, rather than dropping a few tears and stopping up the bottle again.

I haven't forgotten you, some of your comments and posts have touched me deeply and I will respond, but I just don't have the strength right now -- and I know that me not having gotten more than 5.5 hours of sleep per day for the last week hasn't helped.
connecting:
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[identity profile] wallbrat.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 09:02 am (UTC)
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*hugs her*
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-25 11:19 am (UTC)
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thank you for that, and for the 'disappeared' comment, it meant a lot. *hugs back*
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[identity profile] wallbrat.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-25 11:23 am (UTC)
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You are always welcome to hugs. *smiles*

Comment? What comment? Whatever can you be talking about?

*flashes her an innocent look and heads off to bed*
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[identity profile] gyrlcentric.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 09:14 am (UTC)
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strength, postive engergies, love

your soul is like this lily
beautiful and fragile
growing out of destruction

Image

yet strong enough
to grow again
despite the destruction

the positive thoughts and energies
of your friends and fellow readers
surrounds you
in a warm enveloping womb of protective love

you will be ok again
one heartbeat
one breath
one step
at a time

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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-25 11:23 am (UTC)
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Re: strength, postive engergies, love
thank you amazingly infinite amounts, that meant everything to me. What a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful response. Thank you so much for reaching out and encouraging me. *loves* Thank you.
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[identity profile] mina19.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 11:18 am (UTC)
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hey, i've been through abuse too. i know it can mess up your life even afterwards. and i can't watch boy don't cry, because of the rape scene. so even when you think you're fine and it's gone. it can come back to bite you on your ass. But you know, it's worse to cover what you feel up. It will come out one way or another and it won't be pretty. I mean i was abused when i was a child and supressed it for years, till i started to have nightmares and wake up crying and screaming. When i started properly dealing, by understanding what they did was wrong, and it weren't my fault so i shouldn't feel like crap. And you're a strong person from surviving from it and getting on with your life. tell me ppl sweetie. they're feel better aswell. and believe me, so will you. just let it out.

anytime you want to talk, email me. i'll put my email addy up for ya. oki?
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:37 am (UTC)
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thank you sweetie, I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and honesty. I'll definitely keep your offer in mind. ;-)
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:38 am (UTC)
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I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time... I hope you find some comfort soon. *hugs*
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[identity profile] duchesse20.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 12:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry you feel this way! It's only a phase. You can't give up on your strenght now. It needs you! ;) And as for you not telling Ben, I understand! I know how you feel alone. I do have that feeling from time to time, but dont' forget that we are NEVER alone. There's always someone out there that we can talk too! We just can't forgot about those people. Lucky for you, in here, you really are never alone. ;) you've got great friends and all.

Hope you have a good nice day today! ;)
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:39 am (UTC)
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Thank you! and thank you for saying that my strength needs me, that's an interesting way of putting it and for some reason it gave me comfort. Thank you. ;-)
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[identity profile] soulresilience.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 12:28 pm (UTC)
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If there's one thing I do best...it's listen. I know we don't know each other well, but you're always welcome to vent, cry, and scream at me. Hang in there.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:40 am (UTC)
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thank you, I really appreciate that.
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[identity profile] golden--vanity.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 01:39 pm (UTC)
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i know how that is, when you just wanna hold someone & let the tears fall.
been there many a time.
if you need someone to lend an ear. i'm here ♥

just email me or something

twotone_scars [at] yahoo [dot] co [dot] uk
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:41 am (UTC)
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thank you, it's so wonderful of you to offer that. ♥
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[identity profile] bluebl00d.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 02:36 pm (UTC)
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I haven't been abused but I get terribly sadden and enraged when I read about such an awful thing happening so I can only imagine how it must feel for someone who went through such an ordeal, but the fact that reading about it didn't trigger you shows amazing progress =)

I hope you get some shut eye soon and this feeling of loneliness rapidly fades away and remains a distant memory.

*hugs*
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:43 am (UTC)
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*hugs back* Thank you for this sweet comment. And thank you for affirming my progress, it's good to hear someone other than myself take note of it, it makes it seem more real. ;-)
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[identity profile] thesaj.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 03:20 pm (UTC)
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(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

My Kimberley is having one of those weeks due to school.....I wish I was there to just hold her.

:(
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:43 am (UTC)
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*hugs back*
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[identity profile] darkpool.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 04:46 pm (UTC)
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*hugs* I wish I could reach out and rub your back.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:43 am (UTC)
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awww... *hugs back*
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:43 am (UTC)
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*hugs back* ;-)
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[identity profile] ex-whatsarah880.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 08:27 pm (UTC)
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I love you Bel! I'm sorry that you're going through this sadness spell. It's par for getting better, but it's the part that really hurts. I love you. please email me your phone number soon and I'll call you.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:46 am (UTC)
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I sent my phone # to your hotmail addy. I love you too, my friend! I'm thinking of you.
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[identity profile] outdoorsyl.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 09:47 pm (UTC)
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Hey not reacting to seeing abuse is great progress. Remember that and let it encourage you to keep on keeping on.

I was abused when I was a child and am still dealing with it. Though I have come a long way, I know that I am not where I need to be. But I am indeed better than before. That small step you made by not reacting is saying to me that you are also. Keep on keeping on, dear.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:50 am (UTC)
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Thank you for validating my progress... it helps to have someone besides me say it, it makes it seem more real.

And thank you for encouraging me to keep going. ♥
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[identity profile] abstractfish.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 10:08 pm (UTC)
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you've been my rock before. I'd be yours if I had half a chance
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[identity profile] twisteddaydream.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-20 10:40 pm (UTC)
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These are feelings that I know quite intimately. If you ever need to talk/want to talk to someone who has been there so to speak, let me know. Just send me an e-mail twisteddaydream at livejournal.com and I'll give you my contact info and stuff, okay? ~hug~
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:54 am (UTC)
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Thank you so much. I am so glad I added you! ;-) *hugs back*
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[identity profile] twisteddaydream.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-31 06:08 am (UTC)
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~smiles~ You're welcome! I'm glad you did, too! ~hugs~
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[identity profile] phrankenstyne.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-21 06:30 am (UTC)
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Seems like you're in need of one of my patented Fat White Guy B.J. Bear Hugs. Of course, that would take you being here. . .and our respective significant others not getting too bent out of shape. . .

If you'd rather, I have an emotional bottle you can use. I just need to empty it in a destructive rage. . .hmm. . .maybe I'll keep a hold on that one for now.

Ah well. Grats with the progress.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:55 am (UTC)
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heh. Thanks for making me grin! ;-)
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[identity profile] inode-finder.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-21 01:40 pm (UTC)
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*** Hugs ***
"Nam myoho renge kyo"
"put their lives in harmony or rhythm with the law of life"

Be safe....
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:55 am (UTC)
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Re: *** Hugs ***
thank you...
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[identity profile] nikare.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-21 05:05 pm (UTC)
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You musn't forget that one of the great things about friends is that you can call upon their strength when you want it. Sometimes people are afraid to do so for various reasons. For some, it is pride that stops them. For others, they feel as though they would be too much of a burden. For a few still, they don't think their problems are important enough. Regardless, remember that friends are there to help you with anything from the smallest to the largest problems. Just know that they are there for you and allow them to help you when you want it.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:57 am (UTC)
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and I have no problem reaching out in most cases... the thing is, when it comes to this particular thing, I have no friends who know what it's like, none who have been there, so their comfort would seem empty to me.
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[identity profile] nikare.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 07:24 pm (UTC)
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However, they may have more knowledge on the subject than you think they do. And no comfort should seem empty unless the person comforting is giving empty comfort. All genuine forms of comfort have their variable effects on us.
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[identity profile] wandrlost.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-22 01:28 pm (UTC)
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i'm hoping that your spirituality will help you though this. and i'll be giving you extra thoughts.

if it is any consolation, i have had almost no sleep this week... i'm with you in exhaustion...
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:57 am (UTC)
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thank you for the extra thoughts. ♥ I know they made a difference.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 08:58 am (UTC)
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thank you. *hugs*
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[identity profile] untoldeuphemism.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-27 01:27 pm (UTC)
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"I'm really really lonely. And my spirit has fought so hard for the past two weeks... I'm exhausted.

I just want someone to hold me... someone stronger than me... and I want the freedom to weep, rather than dropping a few tears and stopping up the bottle again."

I feel exactly like this.
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 09:00 am (UTC)
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It's terrible that we are so far apart, then, we could lean on each other and know that we are understood... I hope you find comfort soon. *sends you a spiritual hug*
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[identity profile] aubkabob.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 07:31 am (UTC)
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know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, miluv.

this, too, shall soon pass.

*hugs tightly*
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[identity profile] belenen.livejournal.com
Date: 2005-10-30 09:00 am (UTC)
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*hugs tightly back*

I love you my Aubrey!
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