The qualities that are most vital are being good at consent, being good at staying emotionally present, and not radiating need. Consent is vital because any touch needs to be consensual and a cuddler needs to know how to navigate that and give someone safety. Being emotionally present and aware is necessary because that is the building block for being able to give cuddles that are emotionally nourishing as well as physically pleasant. Not being full of need is necessary because even if you are otherwise perfect, if you have great need you may unintentionally drain people with your presence unless they know how to guard against that, or you are amazingly good at putting it in a box for a time. (for people who are full of need, guess what would be great for them? a professional cuddler!)
1) A cuddler needs to be good at consent: good at noticing non-verbal "no"s and asking clarifying, specific questions such as, "is there any part of your body that you would like me to avoid touching? Is there any particular kind of touch that you do not like?" and things like "would you like to be spooned? would you like me to stroke your arms? do you want me to play with your hair?"
2) A cuddler needs to not be touch-starved or affection-hungry. If they go into a session without their own tanks full, it is quite possible that their touch will drain the client rather than nourish them.
3) A cuddler needs to be good at boundaries. They need to be able to state their own comfort level and to be willing and able to say no and perhaps end the session if the client is not listening to those statements and honoring them.
4) A cuddler needs to have calm, settled energy about them, so that the cuddles they give will be relaxing and they won't transfer any stress to the client.
5) A cuddler needs to be comfortable with other people's emotions, able to listen, care, and hold space without getting swept along.
6) A (professional) cuddler needs to be good at separating sexual touch from affectionate touch, so that they can both offer touch with no sexual energy and they can read when a client is not being platonic and set boundaries accordingly.
7) A cuddler needs to be good at paying attention and good at reading people's reactions, so that they can tell how to adjust their touch according to what would be the most nourishing for the client.
8) A cuddler needs to be very comfortable with cuddling, so that they don't feel self-conscious and make their client feel awkward and uncomfortable about receiving their touch. They need to have a level of confidence and willingness to change something that is not working for the client.
Only the last one is really about physical aspects. The rest is all mental! Not all of it is stuff you can control -- obviously people don't have a lot of control over how much they need or how calm they are or even how emotionally present they are (some disabilities can break you out of being present no matter how hard you try). Some of this is skill, and some of it is just qualities that you might have or you might not, and some is a combination.
Also, as a counselor i can see a professional cuddler being useful to help someone suffering from trauma especially physical/sexual trauma. When a person goes through something difficult they lose all faith and have trouble comforting themselves. Knowing that they could go to a safe person for intimacy like this would be very, very healing.
Well, there's that, and there's hating soft touch because of my comorbid SPD, which many people give passively. Even my girlfriend I constantly have to tell not to do certain things (like gentle stroking) because she will slip mindlessly into doing them and it is very jarring and unpleasant.
All of this is to say how much I appreciate a thoughtful list like this. You sound amazing at this.
I really, really love this entry.
Also so happy to get your words again. Bah, school!
Then there's the emotional side. Yes, I've had conversations where I felt happy during them, but as soon as they ended, I felt...drained. Looking back, I realized that in those moments, all I was doing was giving of myself without asking for anything in return. Sometimes, frankly, I would do this to make myself feel better in light of a shitty situation I was in elsewhere in life--poor judgment, yes, but some of us do this all the time.
Love the pic, BTW!
Presence is so much of everything. I like some active cuddling... but I think I really love tried and true spooning, filling up as many crevices as possible, and just lying there.