Thank you all so very very much. Your comments and especially your prayers/positive thoughts/energies really made a difference. I had been trying so hard to be positive, and just couldn't manage it. I don't know what it was, but it's mostly gone now. Thank you. ♥

I've learned so much about what it means to live, and just how important positivity is. A while ago, I would have simply yeilded to the bad feelings -- this time I fought them, and when I realized they were more than I could handle alone, I asked for help. And I got it. You guys really boosted me, and Ben was extra loving also, and I spoke positives over myself and prayed for help, and I came out of it naturally.

Speaking of positives, I've discovered my sense of smell! I had never given it any thought until recently. I've never liked perfumes, because they are usually floral (ugh!) and always have a tang of alcohol that I can taste. But I was on a friendsfriends page and saw a link to Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab (an essential oil artisan), followed and browsed through the scents... reading the reviews on each scent gave me such a powerful longing to smell that that I reached for the bottle of cinnamon/clove/dragonsblood oil that I got at the Renaissance Festival this year and slid some on my collarbone, hoping that the scent hadn't faded. It hadn't! And it completely changed my mood, I got giggly with delight! Then I realized that part of the the reason I had enjoyed that day at RenFest so much was because of the scent drifting up from the bottle all day. I am DEFINITELY going to try some of Black Phoenix' essential oils. The only thing that makes me hesitate is the idea that I will become desensitized if I wear it every day -- but at the same time, I want to fully enjoy it... Oh well, the only way to find out is to experiment. I think it may keep me from being desensitized if I alternate scents.

Bloodlust (Diabolus) -- A fiery Martial blend that embodies primal rage, lust for conquest, and all-encompassing desire. Dragon's blood essence, heavy red musk, Indonesian patchouli and swarthy vetiver with a drop of cinnamon. -- everyone says "it makes me want to BITE."
Chimera (Bewitching Brews) -- The fiery, volatile scent of cinnamon, thickened by myrrh, honeysuckle, and copal.
Wrath (Sin and Salvation) -- A scent aflame with rage, swirling in the red haze of hatred: dragon's blood spiked with black pepper, clove, and cinnamon.
Serpent's Kiss (Diabolus) -- Seething with passion, yet utterly cold-blooded. Dragon's blood, vetivert and spice.
Bengal (Wanderlust) -- A sultry and unruly blend that emulates the ambient scent of the markets in ancient Bengal: skin musk with honey, peppers, clove, cinnamon bark and ginger.
Bastet (Excolo) -- Bast, Ubasti, Ailuros, Ba-en-Aset. Represented as both a domestic cat and a fierce lioness, she truly evidences traits of both. She is the Mother of All Cats, Goddess of Sensuality, Fertility, and a guardian and protector of women. She is also one of the Eyes of Ra, and in that aspect is an Avenging Goddess, seeking retribution and punishing enemies of her people. Luxuriant amber, warm Egyptian musk, fierce saffron and soft myrrh, almond, cardamom and golden lotus.
Black Cat (Voodoo Blends) -- A very tricky kitty, indeed. Used most often as a key to bringing back the joy one needs to have in life in order for living to feel worthwhile. Brings back a sense of delight in simple pleasures, and creates a surge of childlike curiosity and a youthful sense of fun.
Queen (Voodoo Blends) -- For use only by women. An extremely potent passion blend, used to great effect when you're converting feminine sexual energy into power.
O (Love Potions) -- The scent of sexual obsession, slavery to sensual pleasure, and the undercurrent of innocence defiled utterly. Amber and honey with a touch of vanilla. everyone says that this captures the scent of a (satisfied) woman, so even though I dislike vanilla I have to try it.
Hurricane (Dark Elements) -- The Dark Side of Air: a high pitched, tangy, clear scent -- light China rain deepened by murky vetivert.
Black Lotus (Rappaccini's Garden) -- Born in the shadows of a Temple to Set, this corrupted Egyptian scent evokes images of black pyramids, river demons, and bleak, deadly desert sands. Black lotus flower, amber, myrrh and sandalwood.
Umbra (Bewitching Brews) -- The deepest, darkest point in a shadow; the area contained within the shadow of an eclipse. East African black patchouli, cedarwood, vetiver and a dribble of cinnamon.
Harlot (Love Potions) -- Based on a Romany incense blend reputed to induce sexual dreams: Somalian rose, Moroccan rose and Bulgar rose with a sultry dribble of cinnamon. I don't like the scent of rose but I HAVE to try this 'cause it's supposedly Romany.

I'm asking Ben to get me a set of imps of the first 6 for Christmas -- and maybe the second six also. I have just discovered a whole new sense -- this is really amazing to me.

I feel like there is a certain scent out there that will so blend with me, bodyspiritsoul, that to wear it will make me more me. When I find it, I think I will make myself a ritual where I anoint parts of my body and pray through the armor of God.