Last week Ash and Rob and two of Rob's friends came over and we ended up having an impromptu cuddle/energy-exchange party. Rob did Reiki on me and that energetic contact was just incredible -- I had a very strong crush on zir after that. A few days later I confessed my crush to Ash, who talked to Rob, and the two of them sorta invited me in. I've had feelings for Ash for a long time but kept them down because I didn't want to date someone I lived with -- that didn't change but the invitation was just too much for me to resist. I dropped the reins on my feelings for Ash and fell for Rob as well. We didn't really talk in-depth about how it would work so everything was a bit hazy and impulsive, so none of us acted on anything (there was a lot of cuddling but no kissing). After a few days of limbo, they decided they wanted to be monogamous. It shocked me in a way but at the same time it made sense from things I'd seen.

I'm really thankful that I didn't kiss either of them because this hurts so much and I know it would have been worse if we had. I think I'm still in shock though -- the only way I'm coping right now is by hoping that they won't be monogamous forever. Much like how I handled the breakup with Hannah and Nick. I know it's only happened twice but I feel like I'm some kind of curse that 'turns' people monogamous :-p Mergh.

Also Ash wants me to contribute more financially because ze feels the current arrangement is unfair. I have until June 1st to contribute more or move out. So. I'm still hoping to be able to afford more, but if I do I think I'll want to move anyway -- it's just going to be too uncomfortable being around two people I am in love with who are not in love with me. blehhhh. And I do hate living so far north. If I cannot find some way to increase my income, I'll be moving to New Orleans. It's a bit stressful to think about but I'm not going to worry. Whatever happens was meant to happen -- despite the pain, this all feels very in-line with my path. Ash and Rob were meant to get together, I was meant to fall for them, and they were meant to choose monogamy. So. I am crushed and heartbroken, but it's a clean pain with no bitterness.

(btw Kate and Kay -- one way or another, I'm going to have space for you to visit. If I'm living with my parents there won't be any walking around naked, but it's going to work. We'll just have to delay planning a bit. Love you babes, sooooooo looking forward to seeing you this year ♥)