Our church has a very unique structure, designed to keep the 'small-church family' feel, even as we grow. We have one service on Friday evening, two on Saturday evening, two Sunday morning and one Sunday night -- and our pastor preaches the same sermon all six services. He takes every fifth weekend off to keep from burn-out (and that week we have a guest speaker). Anyway, we really believe in making connections, and part of that means having home groups -- basically, a small group of people that meet every two weeks or so to talk and bond and support each other. Ben and I have been trying to find one, but they all seemed to be so much older. (I think the younger ones tend to be less committed)

We finally visited one, and I loved it. Everyone was so cheerful and energetic and loud! Ben wasn't quite as thrilled as I was about the loudness -- but with me, it reminded me so much of being in Paula and Spencer's house -- when you have a group, you gotta pretty much shout to get heard, and everyone talks over each other and nobody gets offended! Oh my gosh I love that, I lovelovelove it. You'll have three conversations going on at once, and then everyone will listen to one person for a minute, and then it splits into several conversations again. It's just so free!

And it was quite a mixed group -- a single mom, three couples with kids, one couple with a new baby, and then us and another newlywed older couple who were also trying out the group for the first time. Everyone except Ben, myself, and the couple with the new baby was black. I really clicked with Veronica and Najla, though I'm a little intimidated by Najla 'cause she's SO bold. And she has teenage kids, so I feel like we probably have little in common. But I'm pretty sure we're going to stay in this group, it felt like family immediately. Especially with the oldest woman -- she was the one who invited us in the first place, and she's very motherly. It made me so happy to FINALLY find a group I'd actually want to bond with.

And afterwards we walked to the front and saw the Wynnes! My heart did a backflip and I ran up and hugged Paula, who was happy to see me. She had a baby on her hip, but even though the baby looked a lot like Spencer I couldn't recognize her as Risa! She's a year old now, and I've only seen her a handful of times. Spencer handed me his phone and told me to put my number in, so I did, but while I was doing that Paula left to change Risa's diaper, and I didn't even greet her... Still, I was just so happy to see them! I asked about William and Spencer said that he won the National Championship in track, doing hurdles -- I don't remember specifically what, but apparently he's assured scholarships now. I'm so proud of my little brother. ;-)

As we were walking away, I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I actually won't cry this time, I just feel happy.' Then of course I realized that I didn't even say hi to Risa when I desperately want to hold her... and I started crying. Why is there still so much pain in my heart over that? I really don't understand it... It just hurts so much to not be a part of their lives. So much, still, a year later... it doesn't hurt any less, I just think about them less... I miss them so much. When will I be able to let them go? I thought I had gotten better.