from delicatexflower: what do you consider the highest form of intimacy? does it vary on the person?

I think the most intense form of intimacy does vary both from person to person and interaction to interaction. I recognize many different kinds:

( mental, physical, romantic, creative, sexual, resource, spiritual, dwelling, amusement, trauma, historical, exposure, access, conflict )

The two kinds with the highest esteem in society are sexual and historical. People refer to loving someone "like family" when they mean "with great intensity and closeness" but rarely do I see families with any real level of mental intimacy: they just have a lot of historical and exposure intimacy. People are assumed to hold sexual intimacy as a special kind and once they have it with someone, it is assumed that some kind of bond is formed (which is true sometimes but nowhere near always). I feel deep resentment that these two kinds are held as more important than the others, because they are not better and they are not necessary for deep intimacy!

Also, few people realize that more kinds exist than sexual, historical, and exposure. And because of this, they think that you can only get intimacy on accident, because you 'fell in love' or fell in lust or because you were raised with/by someone or because you went to school together or worked together. But those can be such shallow types of intimacy. Historical intimacy in particular tends to stagnate people: they have intimacy with someone because of what used to be true, so they are afraid to change because if they break with their history, they break with those that they connected with through it. Exposure intimacy is only meaningful if it is current or if everyone involved is stagnant. For instance, if you spent every single day with someone for five years you probably know them REALLY well unless that happened ten years ago, in which case you might not know them at all. Sexual intimacy can be completely shallow if people are just following scripts without thought or intention. I would say most of the others can be shallow too; no form of intimacy is inherently more intense than another. It all depends on what kinds you have access to and what you do with them.

darkestgarden asked me to describe my spiritual transitions: how did you transition from one spiritual phase to another? what thoughts and questions and feelings sparked those transitions? were the individual transitions easy difficult, painful? have you suffered loss of any kind because of a transition? have you faced someone else's anger and/or disappointment and/or scorn for changing? has a change ever destroyed relationships? have you ever felt angry or disappointed or foolish for having believed in something, once you've transitioned away from one set of beliefs?

The first transition between one belief set and another happened when I went to my pastor and gently, respectfully inquired how they could reconcile their "witnessing (getting people to convert) is the most important goal in life" with what Jesus said, that love is the most important goal in life. There was no good reason but they were invested in their evangelical attitude and so rather than reconsider, they attacked me. They told me that everything about my life was wrong and useless and I wasn't really a part of their church, because I wasn't part of a small group. (I had tried several small groups but they were all just interested in socializing so I kept trying to find one that would actually be growthful. Essentially I had not failed, the small groups had) I had been attending for about 13 years, always sang and usually danced in worship, took notes during the sermon and often talked with the pastor afterwards to process it; I always took everything profoundly seriously. There was no possible way to actually doubt my devotion. This pastor just wanted to maintain their bad doctrine and was willing to eviscerate my soul to do it. At one point their spouse came up and tried to get them to stop and they silenced their spouse rudely (also the only time I'd seen them be rude to another person). Eventually they told me that they were not my pastor. This is the equivalent of being disowned by your parents, if you loved them. I kept their photo on my wall: that is how important they were to me. So I left, crying my eyes out, and didn't go back for a while, because it hurt too much.

That church had been the one thing between me and giving up on the institution. I admired how they did anti-racism work and how the pastor used to say before each sermon "this is just my human interpretation: check with God, your own spirit, and the Bible to be sure it is right." They sure turned their back on that. I have visited every once in a while to see if they've gotten better but they have descended into worse and worse blasphemy, advocating that women put up with spousal rape, advocating that you use violence to 'save' your children, being violently anti-queer, hanging a bunch of flags instead of doing anti-racism work outside the church building, etc.

Anyway, for a while I had no spiritual community and I missed that so much. I looked and looked. I began exploring other ways of connecting with deity, since I couldn't do my old methods. I came to realize that the perception of Godde presented by the church was wrong. I studied things alone and realized the intense levels of sexism and hierarchy that were imbedded in the worship music, which had always been a haven for me and now I couldn't have that either. I studied other religions but they all had something wrong with them: sexism and/or codes of ethics that included things I could not agree with. So I started the lonely road of creating my own belief system.

There have been other transitions, but gradual and natural ones based on new experience or understanding. I moved from believing in a male 3-in-1 god who sometimes wore other faces to a gender-neutral Godde and male Jesus and gender-neutral holy spirit, to a life that is all things and manifests as various deities sometimes which are no more or less important a manifestation than are planets or oceans or humans or fish or ants. I have transitioned my belief in ownership of an eternal soul to a belief in a transitory experience of beingness, upon realizing that the former did not make sense in light of my understandings about who "I" am. That was a realization that shook me intensely, as it was foundational, but it wasn't painful. It was a little uncomfortable as I know it moved me further from the possibility of fitting with a larger spiritual community, since so many are based on an eternal soul, an afterlife, and/or an inherently "more important" deity. These transitions happened as I learned more about the universe and myself, and integrated what I learned.

I've lost many things in transitions, but most were illusions. For instance, the profound sense of unity that comes with believing the same thing as another person: inherently an illusion, since no two people believe the exact same thing even if they have the same belief set and religious/spiritual education. I feel nostalgic for the comfort of those illusions sometimes but I don't miss them.

I've never felt angry or embarrassed or anything for having believed something spiritual that I don't anymore: my old beliefs are the fertilizer for my new ones and I don't think it would have been possible for me to get to where I am without having believed those things. The only things that I have been ashamed to have believed are the ways that I reinforced oppression in my religion many many years ago, but I always feel a little removed because those were things I never truly believed, yet accepted because I couldn't find a way to resist them.

volamonster asked me to give detailed thoughts and feelings on a person requiring others to use pronouns for them such as bun/bunself, fae/faeself, and other uncommon choices.

My initial reaction to learning of these pronouns was that they allow the benefits without the stigma; it seemed unfair. A way to use the hard work of trans people for a fun little idiosyncrasy; tourism in the world of the gender non-conforming. I have definitely seen this emotional reaction in the trans community and I get it. But the more I thought about it and the more I was exposed to it, the more I realized that even though some people will just use it for tourism, those who use nonstandard pronouns of any kind in a serious manner (such as asserting and requiring) make the world ultimately a safer place in the long run.

While defaults being presented with "bun asked me to carry bun's stuff to the car, but I told bun to do it bunself" may indeed react with mockery and respond to further nonstandard pronouns with mockery, I don't think that's something that bun was creating. Any pripoi was gonna mock anyway; trans people haven't lost a chance to get taken seriously because of this other pronoun. On the flip side, having been exposed to non-standard pronouns in a way that is less threatening to their world view, they may take trans people's pronouns less seriously in a good way. People don't murder what they think is harmless; they murder what threatens their entire framework of reality. If being exposed to bunself or faeself gives phobic people a chance to experience non-typical genders without having to re-think their whole life, that could be a good thing.

Also, I don't approve of respectability politics: we don't need to act near-default to have respect (for instance, using he/she/they). And if a fae-ish or bun-ish person (no idea of the proper way to frame that gender) is willing to face the same bullshit, they are sharing the burden and I appreciate it. I like the idea of eventually having a language that either allows for every person to have their own pronoun, or simplifies to a single pronoun for all living beings. I could see it going one of those two ways.

Also, anytime a person thinks to themselves, "is this way that people treat me true to me? no? then how could they treat me in a way that affirms me?" and then takes that answer and asserts it, I feel they are doing valuable self-reflection. And if that becomes a cultural norm, it makes it easier for others to assert their own needs. Questioning the norm is always valuable, including when it is of a less oppression-resistant variety.

webgirluk asked how I would define intelligence, and I have two answers to this.

Overall, intelligence is something I consider to be like 'attractiveness': a harmful social rating system with no useful applications. It is an arbitrary measure of worth, defined by how well a person's thinking reproduces society's values. For instance, someone who fails all standardized tests will be called "unintelligent" because they cannot predict what society would say is the correct answer. IQ tests are not a good measure of the skill or quality of a person's thinking but they are an excellent measure of how society will rate a person's intelligence, because the way the tests are formed favors those who have been exposed to certain concepts and values. Intelligence is held up as a virtue, but while it can be useful it is morally irrelevant, and I get extremely angry when people use 'unintelligent' (or slurs that are synonyms) to mean 'morally inferior' (for a whole host of reasons). I don't consider the category of 'stupid' to actually exist either, just like 'ugly' doesn't really exist. There are people who don't think like society wants them to, and those people are oppressed because of it, but they are not actually less able to think nor are their thoughts inferior. It is just a difference that is stigmatized.

Sometimes people use intelligence to mean "thinking that is valuable and worth admiration." Regarding this, I consider "admirable thinking" to be thinking that questions assumptions and looks for new ideas and perspectives. Thinking that is curious and expressive, that seeks to learn and reshape thoughts rather than to reinforce current ideas, that finds enjoyment in realizing their mistakes because it means they learned something new. This admirable thinking is present in a wide range of 'IQ levels' and expression-skill levels; however, it is not available to everyone, as it is a type of thinking that usually requires time, energy, and access to new ideas. So, a lack of it is not a moral failing UNLESS you have the privilege of those things. It is always morally negative (harm-creating) in the context of privilege. I don't consider this to be 'intelligence' but it is the closest thing I actually consider to exist.

Well, since bunnika, keiwontia, and aliki (and someone else I'm forgetting) are doing it, I think it's a good time for me too. Please pick up to 3 days and give me some writing prompts for February! But please, ONLY ask questions that if you were to ask them of yourself, you would have to think for a while before knowing the answer. You can use questions I have asked you before, if you want, and if I have already done them I'll give you the link *smiles*


1--How would you personally define intelligence?

2-- detailed thoughts and feelings on a person requiring others to use pronouns for them such as bun/bunself, fae/faeself, and other uncommon choices

3--spiritual transitions: how did you transition from one spiritual phase to another? what thoughts and questions and feelings sparked those transitions? were the individual transitions easy, difficult, painful? have you suffered loss of any kind because of a transition? have you faced someone else's anger and/or disappointment and/or scorn for changing? has a change ever destroyed relationships? have you ever felt angry or disappointed or foolish for having believed in something, once you've transitioned away from one set of beliefs?

4--What, if anything, about religion A (place name of any applicable religion here) and it's followers makes you mad? Why? (You don't need to actually place a religion here, just talk about the patterns in any religion). Have you chosen to abandon that religion and/or part of that religion and/or it's followers, why or why not?

5--could you say that any of your spiritual or religious phases were fueled by desperation of some kind? if so, what was the nature of the desperation? how did it help or hinder your growth?

6--what do you considered the highest form of intimacy? does it vary on the person?

7-- What are your feelings on education at large? Its necessity (or lack thereof), benefits, downsides, cost. Feel free to include all levels of education that you have opinions on from preschool through grad school.

8--Has your interest and preference for art changed over the years? What sort of art styles and genres were you interested in as a child, teen, in your 20s, vs now? Has your interest range become more specific or has it widened, or both? Why?

9-- deities: if a god (or gods, or goddesses, or some other kind of divine entities) has ever factored into your spirituality, what drew you to them? how did you perceive them at the times you felt most connected with them? as beings that exist, or more as mythical constructs? something else? did you ever feel that you genuinely had a two-way means of communication with those entities (say, for example, through prayer or meditation), or were they silent? have you ever felt that a god has intervened in your life directly, for better or for worse? if you did feel like you had a two-way communication with a god, or felt that they intervened in your life, but later your beliefs changed, how did you perception change of those experiences? did you feel mistaken about the nature of those experiences? have you ever felt that you were just plain wrong somehow about prior beliefs?

10--How do you define trust in your relationships? Do you believe it is a black and white issue or a grey area one in that you can trust people in different ways?

11-- What, if anything, do you think you've learned FROM me; And, what, if anything, do you feel you've learned from being with me; And, what, if any, big things have you learned since we got together? (From Topaz)

12--If you could listen to an hour's audio footage of people talking about you behind your back. Would you listen to it or not listen to it? Why or why not?

13-- What is a gift you've always wished to receive but haven't yet? This can be as literal or figurative as fits.

14-- Talk about dysphoria (social, bodily, etc) in relation to your own gender id. Do you experience it? If so, how, and what means do you take to fight it? What kind of affects does it have on your mental life? What would you say to others who have dysphoria too?

15--While embracing criticism and critical analysis, as well as optimism, describe how media has impacted your life. What benefits have you and do you take from media, and how does media hurt you? Focusing specifically on few different categories (treat each category as if I asked the question about it individually): a. journalism/written news (including your favorite news sources and something like Fox News written stories) b. TV/radio entertainment (music, shows, commentary on "news" channels); c. Art, social and mass communication media (films, music, email, LJ, Facebook).

16-- have you ever had a spiritual mentor? if so, what was the relationship like, and if you are no longer close or in contact, was there anything specific that caused the disconnect (aside from moving away from the religion/spiritual practice in general)?

17-- What is a skill you've always wished to have, but don't? What had stopped you from pursuing it, or what stopped you from achieving it?

18--How would you define luck and would you consider yourself lucky relative to the society you live in?

19-- do you currently have any spiritual practices? are you developing any in particular at the moment? have you abandoned any recently? what rituals in each phase did you connect with the most? the least? have holidays ever held any spiritual meaning for you? has that changed at all as you've grown?

20--What steps do you take to make your LJ (Facebook, etc, but I am mostly interested in LJ) into a place you want it to be, which of them work, and do any of them happen to trap you in the image of yourself you have already created here and impede you expressing everything of yourself here?

21--literature and relics: what sources (like spiritual tomes) did you consult or study for increased knowledge and guidance in each phase, if any? what, if any, physical objects have held spiritual significance for you over your journey? if you transitioned to another belief system, did you keep those objects despite the change? did you re-purpose them? get rid of them? give them away? how did individual objects become charged with meaning? was it instantaneous, or did it happen gradually, over time?

22--Have any defense mechanisms you have created that seemed good at the time you created them turned inside out with time? If so, how do you notice the have and how do you work to put them right again/stop using them?

23--what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why?

24--What mental problem is the most difficult for you to speak about/work on right now? Why?

25--what are your experiences with spiritual communities? what would your ideal spiritual community "look" like, given your beliefs now?

26--Have you ever morally contradicted yourself?

27--spirituality and my daily life and goals: how do you hope to grow as a spiritual being? what direction(s) do you wish to go for the future? how has (and does) your spirituality shaped your day-to-day existence? how does it intersect with your own concepts of identity? how much or little has this fluctuated over the course of your life? how do you benefit from your beliefs? on the other hand, are you disadvantaged in any way by them? what, if any, challenges has religion/spirituality posed to you over the course of your life? is there any aspect of your life that spirituality doesn't enter into? have you ever compartmentalized your spirituality (at any point in your life) for the sake of others, or to otherwise protect yourself?

28--Have you ever had any "spiritual" experiences that challenged your perceptions of reality? I put "spiritual" in quotes because even atheists can be spiritual in having a sense of awe and wonder. That word seems to mean different things to different people. What are your opinions about otherkin, therians, faeborn and similarly identified people?

I think of my inner self as a garden; one that I own, but I share. I don't keep a fence around it, but instead there are two tall concentric hedges encircling it, with openings in each which do not overlap. I don't keep anyone out, but I also don't let people in without a bit of effort on their part. Once inside, you can find many little garden plots where people have come in and shared their plants with me. Some planted only annuals, and those died long ago, but some of their seeds have become new plants scattered around the whole garden. Some planted perennials, and a few planted trees. Some scattered a lot of seed but then didn't water anything and nothing grew. Some have neglected their plantings, and a few have ripped up what they planted, and one or two salted the ground where their plants once grew. Sometimes when people stop caretaking their plot, I wait too long for them to come back and plants die: I've learned to keep watch on those places that are becoming neglected, and take over care if it is not happening.

More numerous than the gardens are scattered, wild growths of a wide variety of plants, given by one-time visitors or dropped in as seed from the universe. Many of these are from people who simply scatter seed which I gather and bring in. Artists, musicians, and writers who have never visited nonetheless are the source of so many plants.

In the center is where I have done most of my own planting, and there are several very old trees there, including one that died early and fell over, crushing a number of saplings. That would be my first faith - following its root path and growing very fast is a younger tree, much-grafted, which is my current faith. When I find a plant in my garden that I especially love, I transplant it to the center (in this magical garden the plants don't mind that). The only ones I can't transplant are trees. Those who plant trees have a permanent place of their own in my garden, and can always come back and share with me again. Anyone who has planted a tree has my utmost gratitude even if they no longer visit my garden.

For a long time my garden changed little -- now it changes so rapidly that I imagine those who come back after absence might get a bit lost.

I am exceedingly picky about who can remain as a gardener. If you trample things on purpose, you are out, and I'll sic the spiders and snakes and carnivorous plants on you if you try to come back in. If you crush plants by accident, I will try to help you figure out a way to avoid that, but if it is not possible, I will ask you to leave until you have the skills to remain without causing damage. Often people leave for a time and come back later. No one has the right to move what I have planted, or to tell me what I should plant, uproot, or transplant. If they try to, they will be put out. No one has the right to be in my garden, ever, and I do not pull people in even if they feel I should (such as biofamily). It is forever and only a transitory sharing.

I'm back in for last chance LJ idol. Feel free to sign up too!

answers are specious:
it's questions all the way down.
I'll just keep swimming.

As a person who self-identifies as a queer, genderfree, trans, poly, pagan feminist with nuanced views on porn and BDSM (mainstream of both is evil but ethical versions do exist), I've experienced a great number of perspective changes. There was a time when I identified as a woman, a wife, a Christian (exclusively), a Republican, and monogamous.

It occurred to me one day recently that had my previous self come across my current self, I wouldn't have been able to take everything in. There is not just one difference to work through, and with virtually no framework for understanding people different from oneself, so much perspective shift at once is too much to hope for. It took me years to figure out these things for myself, after all.

Considering this and also the constant lament of people who are working on growing as a person and feel that they should have gotten it already, I want to share the things I have believed/done that I now consider wrong and would be ashamed of.

I thought that same-sex sex was morally wrong and that AIDS was caused by people choosing to have sex the wrong way.

I thought that there were only two sexes, and that they were opposite.

I thought that there were inherent qualities based on ones assumed sex.

I thought that capitalism was the best way for people to be responsible and productive.

I thought that it was possible for any person to gain wealth, and that this made it fair for wealthy people to be exploitative hoarders.

I thought that marriage was inherently religious and the government shouldn't be involved in it- and I voted against gay marriage in my state.

I thought that people who only had sex in a committed relationship (as in, made vows to each other) were more trustworthy and caring than those who had sex in other ways.

I thought that people who did drugs or drank were lazy and unimaginative and irresponsible.

I thought women who dressed/groomed as demanded by society were my enemy.

I thought black men were sexually predatory (because my parent literally told me that).

I thought there were inherent differences based on race.

I thought disabled people were less useful than non-disabled people and that given the chance they would all want to be 'fixed.'

I'm sure there are more that just aren't coming to mind, but this is enough shit to make anyone ashamed. I didn't make any of these things up; I absorbed them from the influences I'd experienced at that time. I am ashamed because I know that whether I chose it deliberately or not, I hurt people. I cannot let my shame at having hurt people cause me to entrench around those hurtful ideas and try to justify them. I was wrong, and those ideas should be destroyed.

My biggest problem finding 'success' in anything is that I want to do everything. I don't think I fail due to mediocrity. I do everything to my best ability and I always strive to improve. If I only cared about one thing, I would invest all of my time and effort and resources and make it happen. But picking one is not only boring to me, it feels like a betrayal of all the other parts of me. I used to be more able to do that, when I had fewer passions and skills. I never had a taproot and my roots just get more fibrous with time.

This started when I was a kid and I wanted to be a fiction writer, a painter, a choreographer, and a singer (and until I was 12 I wanted to be president). Now I want to write, share my communication skills, educate people on social justice, counsel people, make jewelry, do oracle card readings, do spiritual healing, photograph nature and portraits, organize, facilitate intimacy practices, help people be creative, help people learn to love their bodies, make magical items, make fractals, model, create a consent culture, etc. All of these things are very important to me, so I have invested time and energy in all of them, and I am very skilled at almost all of them. Ideally I would do them all for free and magically be able to live without having to ask for payment. I started a patreon but I feel like it is waaaaayyy too all over the place and I feel pretty overwhelmed at how badly organized it is and I also feel like -- am I really contributing enough to the world to deserve funding? and then I think, but I am only asking to live, surely I give enough to deserve that.

I just want to be able to live while I do these things. I don't need much, but I haven't been able to turn any of these things into something that will allow me to live. The world certainly doesn't reward effort for its own sake. Instead I have to waste my life doing things that are intrinsically worthless (though I can add meaning to them), which not only takes the time that I spend at a job, but also recovery time after, during which I cannot create and give. And I know having had the time to even realize this or do any of those things to the extent which I have is a rare gift and I am grateful. I wouldn't wish away any of my passions. I just wish I could 'make it.' Every time I try and fail I feel like I'm being told that nobody wants what I have to give and I should stop pretending it's important. I usually just avoid thinking about the many failures in my past, and remind myself that I know there are people who feel nourished by my art, my words, what I give. And I have a safety net, which is rare and a huge privilege.

I think the multiplicity of passion is partly a function of my ADD-PI, the part of it that I like, where my brain craves variety and wants to delve into everything with total abandon. For periods of time I can turn on the most determined patient focus you ever saw, and that is how I develop skill in the things I care about. I will be almost crying with frustration sometimes and yet I won't quit, because I just have to find the right way. Today I spent hours trying to figure out how to make new variations work in Apophysis 7x, not because I really needed them or because it would do me a lot of good but because I had started it and I wanted/needed to finish it.

On the other hand, I also spent almost two hours yesterday rating my interest in genres/films on netflix, which I really didn't want to do after the first hour but I just couldn't stop. People tell me to break tasks into small chunks but this just makes me laugh. Maybe that works for people with different brains. But me? If I want it to be done well, it has to be done in a period of hyperfocus, which I cannot get out of, not even when someone is getting angry at me for not stopping (and usually anger at me is a HUGE trigger that overwhelms everything else). I don't have a choice for 'normal focus' -- I get hyperfocus or distracted-diluted-brain, and I pretty much refuse to do anything important with that second kind because I would be incredibly upset to put the worst part of me into something important. And it takes a whole lot of energy stored up to begin hyperfocus, it can never last more than 18 hours, and then the thing I focused on is 'worn-out' in my brain and I have no idea how long it will take for me to have the energy to hyperfocus on it again.

The worst fuckin part is that my meaningless retail jobs require hyperfocus because distracted-diluted won't cut it. So then all I have left for myself is distracted-diluted-brain and I can do nothing important for at least 16 hours after work. Usually for a grand total of less than $40 a day.

Prompt from Kei-Won-Tia: Who are the people in your life who speak to your soul with their existence and what was your first impression of them? What qualities in them inspire you to better yourself?

There are a lot of people in that first answer! I'll go chronologicallyish, name then first impression then qualities. Remember these are not characterizations just first impressions!

Allison. first impression: small, bouncy, happy, clever, creative. Ze inspires me to get in touch with my more expressive self, and be unabashedly enthusiastic.

Hannah. first impression: brilliant, careful, compassionate, silly, generous, yearning. Ze inspires me to ask prying questions, to seek a more blunt truthfulness, to embrace my tenderness (used to be very difficult as I prided myself on toughness).

SabR. first impression: fierce, wild, bold about beliefs, generous, welcoming, easily angry, confidently creative. Ze inspires me to put more of myself on the line with my art, to be bolder about sharing vulnerable beliefs, to be wild (like a leopard not like a spring breaker).

Aurilion. first impression: too interested in being seen as more evolved than the next to be really honest about anything, loving, seeking (I didn't connect w zir much at all until we met in person). Ze inspires me to believe in my intuition and to be open to possibilities.

Ashe. first impression: sweet, affectionate, loyal to an extreme (I got annoyed with a girl who was deliberately flirting with our crushes but ze was infuriated/outraged and I'm pretty sure hated that person from then on). Ze inspires me to believe in myself - I think ze was the first person to believe in me, which is a huge damn deal.

Anika. first impression: angry, open, curious, creative, clever. Ze inspires me to share more, to yield less, to grow and learn and be unafraid.

Viv. first impression: anxious, eager to explore, cuddly. Ze inspired me to explore my transness, undo my partnership, reconsider my whole life, take emotional risks with no security.

Vola. first impression: quiet, intense, very thoughtful and thorough, determined. Ze inspires me to think (through zir thoughtful sharing) and to be true to the more analytical, ethereal parts of me. This is kinda rare because people tend to like my sensual, affectionate side more.

Nea. first impression: impossibly kind, compassionate, nonjudgemental. I think Nea is still the most nonjudgemental person I've ever known. Ze inspires me in that way and also by being a person who doesn't share many words and yet is as open-hearted as can be. It makes me see more possibilities in people.

Laura. first impression: honest, creative, loving toward everyone but zirself. Ze died last year but continues to inspire me with zir hope in all things. I want to believe. I miss zir so much, I hate that ze's gone.

Angie. first impression: sweetest, gentlest person I've ever met (that initial impression is still true). Ze inspires me to remember that there are still kind people in the world, even when surrounded by cruelty, not everyone becomes cruel. Ze makes me believe in love.

Lisa. first impression: honest, cheerful, directionless. Ze inspires me because I've seen zir take ownership of zir life and unflinchingly examine where ze can change to bring about the life ze wants, and then just fuckin do it. (Not directionless, obv)

Firekat. first impression: opposite of me, adventurous, risk-taking. Ze inspires me to take risks! I've followed in zir footsteps in a lot of ways (not intentionally, but partly given courage by seeing Kat) and been the better for it.

Ben. first impression: argumentative, stubborn, smart, affectionate. Ben inspires me with zir desire to grow and learn. I almost never see this in someone who passes as a privilege-pinnacle person, and it gives me a little hope for the world.

Arizona. first impression: sharp-minded, open to any new idea, enjoying life, stable and secure in zirself. Ze inspires me to believe in my ability to sense magic. Ze was the first to affirm me in that way (we got together because I dreamed we kissed and then I asked zir out as an act of trusting my intuition).

Kylei. first impression: extremely emotional, creative, impulsive, open, affectionate. Ze inspires me to be more open, honor my feelings, follow my heart.

Heather. first impression: friendliest person ever, totally free and kind. Ze inspires me to share (because ze read my ENTIRE journal even the early parts and still liked me) and to see myself as a relatable person even though I get socially overwhelmed sometimes (if it can be true of the friendliest person ever, I must be relatable too).

Abby. first impression: nervous, creative, generous. Ze inspires me to treat emotions as a shared unfolding of knowledge, a collaborative project, and ze inspires me by sharing new knowledge.

Adi. first impression: bold, honest, unafraid. Ze believed in my goodness at a time when I felt everyone would judge me and it made me feel hope that I could be myself without going way out of my way to explain and still have people see me truly.

Topaz. first impression: capable of listening intently and engagingly, caring about social justice, fierce, free, unavailable, sexy as fuck. Ze inspires me to continue learning and attempting to educate others (because ze also self-educates and agrees and supports me) and to go after what I want (because ze believes in zirself and prioritizes zir needs so I feel I can too).

Camellia. first impression: no idea because it was so long ago and ze was just a kid. Ze inspires me to be welcoming, because ze makes me feel like that part of me is appreciated.

Kei-Won-Tia. first impression: distant, loving, self-deprecating, a bit lost. Ze inspires me to practice gratitude, build intentional connections, trust in people, share what I learn.

There are many others, really.

Also all of the good parents I know: Anika, Jess, Clare and spouse, Christine, Issa and Joshua, Mandy, Brian and Sarah, Ksej, others- people raising their children with love and creativity and understanding and freedom, giving them the chance to flourish instead of squashing them into a mold like most progenitors. I feel this very deeply and personally, as if in doing so they are giving me what I never had. It moves me to tears.

My idea of fun has changed very little since I was a kid. Even then, I cringed when watching movies where people crashed into things and made a huge mess, and a food fight never sounded like anything but a giant disgusting chore made by selfish brats. The idea of having a monkey as a pet would never have appealed to me because I wouldn't want to clean up after it.

What was fun to me was tiny magical toys, being in the woods, reading, talking, and thinking. I only had one fairy winkle as a child but have since used ebay to build a collection that I then spent upwards of 10 hours building a tree home for. Yes I still sometimes take them out in the woods to play. Trees are even more important to me now that I have learned more about them and become able to connect with them in a mutual way.And books? Even though I don't have unlimited time to read anymore, I have 500+ books now and I still carry a book almost everywhere I go. Talking is still a favorite: not chatting, mind you, but communicating a mutual sharing of meaningful thoughts. Like discussing relationship difficulties or the nature of reality or the possibilities that lie in what we do not know.

And thinking. I don't sink into it as deeply as I did as a kid because the fantasies about my own house and land and snow leopard now have become a little worn, and a little tinged with the sorrow of slim chance. But I am never bored if I can think. If I have to pay attention to something that prevents me thinking, I will nearly die of boredom, but otherwise, my mind is a playground.

I've heard many people express longing for a return to childlike wonder, for the freedom of childhood. I wasn't free as a child, and maybe that's why the things in which I found joy became so deeply a part of me. Or maybe I just experience less shame than most and can embrace these things as much as I ever did. Or maybe because I thought so much about how I was devalued for being a child, I determined that I would never see childish things as lesser, and kept my word to myself.

I'm often taken as judgmental, yet I consider myself one of the least judgmental* people I know. I think this is because of the connection between dislike/discomfort and judgement. For most, the first leads to the second with almost no separation. "I don't like that style of relationship so it's bad and people who live it are bad. I don't like that sex act so it's bad and people who do it are bad. I don't like that school so it's bad and the people who go there are lesser." Etc. But it is possible to separate one's dislike from judgement; it's just a hard habit to develop.

When one's dislike doesn't line up with a social judgement, it is easier for people to take words at face value. If I say cauliflower is gross and I don't want it anywhere near me, and people around me like cauliflower, they may feel disagreement with me or disappointment that we do not share a like for this kind of food, but they probably won't assume that I think they are a bad person for liking cauliflower. But if I express the same sentiment about scat play and they engage in that, they may assume that I do think they are a bad person for liking that, because my dislike** lines up with a social judgement against less common forms of bodily interactions.

I've learned that when I have a dislike that lines up with a social judgement, it may actually be an expression of that social judgement and not my own feelings at all, and I need to check. I used to think it was gross for some people to have armpit hair, and it wasn't until I consciously separated the social judgement I had absorbed from my actual thoughts that I realized I like it on everybody. I used to think that buying any non-necessity as a poor person was irresponsible and wrong, until I consciously separated it from the social judgement I had absorbed and realized that it was oppressive to say that only the wealthy deserve any fun or rest.

This also affects how I interpret other people's words. Sometimes someone will say something that initially sounds to me like they are judging me; but if I trust the person, then instead of taking that next step and assuming that the expression equals a judgement, I will ask them to rephrase or clarify, and if I am still unsure, I will say, "it sounds to me like you are judging me in this way, is that true?" 99% of the time, I am misinterpreting. I know how distant and unloved I used to feel when I just absorbed 'judgements' without checking to see if that is what they were and I would have ended relationships that I now cherish if I hadn't consciously worked on this skill.

So if I ever say to you something like "I feel like you are saying I am a shitty person for doing this thing," I'm not assuming you are actually saying that, or that it is even a possibility within your character. I am not making ANY assumptions as to your intent or true meaning. I'm just expressing my visceral reaction and opening the possibility of ending my discomfort.

There are a few things I judge: supporting oppressions, selfishness, violating consent. If I say that I judge something you do as bad, that does NOT mean I am judging YOU as bad. I don't speak up in order to try to help you be a 'better' person; that would be a waste of our time because you have to do that on your own. I speak up because for me, not objecting*** to the things I judge as wrong would be a violation of my ethics. My fight is with memes; you're just a bystander.

*if I do not state a judgement in the most blunt way possible, you can safely assume I am not making one.
**my first response is ick. But if I had a lover who was into it, I'd be down to try it, at least.
***which I do sometimes, because I haven't infinite time or energy.

( recommended reading week 9 )

I'm not much for commenting because it is more important to me that I read all of them to make sure that I don't skip voting for someone who impressed me this week. So, if I put you on my rec list, please take this as me saying that I appreciated your entry and want to see more from you. On the other hand if you're not on the list this week, that doesn't mean anything negative -- I just recommend what strikes a chord with me. As far as I can tell there is very little steady pattern on who I enjoy most from week to week because there are so many good writers.

Memes are like microbes. They can survive the most hostile environments, they reproduce endlessly with the slightest encouragement, and they transfer from person to person without the person even noticing. A meme can reproduce simply by indirectly mentioning it: for instance, asking someone to put their name on a test can reinforce the impact of gender stereotyping (if, like most names, it is gender-specific). That is ALL it takes.

As someone who is invested in social justice, my main focus is stopping the reproduction of oppressive memes. It's about as hard as hunting microbes one by one. They reproduce faster than anyone could ever wipe them out; people have to develop individual immunities to them. But there is only one kind of immunity that I have found, and that is compassion followed by many rounds of education. In order to resist oppression, you have to understand it, and to do that you first have to give a shit about people different from yourself. Education is never the first step; a person has to care before they can be educated. Compassion alone is also useless: owning a machine will do you no good if you do not know how to turn it on.

Maybe some people have learned about the suffering of others and THEN started caring, but I haven't seen it. What I have seen is instances like a white person becoming friends with a black person and then caring about racism, or a man loving a woman who ceaselessly, patiently explains how his behavior is a problem and because he cares about her he reconsiders his actions, or a cis person seeing their trans friend suffer and starting to care about how transphobia harms people. In all these cases, if they didn't care about the person experiencing it, they would not even notice/acknowledge the oppression much less care (and doing something about it is completely out of the question). Love for an individual does not always create compassion, nor is it always necessary, but for most it is the quickest route to learning compassion that extends beyond one's own group.

The only way to begin inoculation is by teaching people to relate. This will not happen when differences are held up as innate or inevitable: if a man thinks that he is inherently different from a woman, he will not empathize with suffering from sexism, any more than he would empathize with or even notice an ant getting stepped on. Instead he will rationalize it as 'not that bad' and thus not worth effort. Intellectual understanding of the indirect effects of oppression is not a strong motivator because privilege is an excellent shield from those effects. There are countless strains of oppressive memes, but the deepest and most powerful meme of oppression is the idea of inherent and/or inevitable difference. If I had a choice to eradicate only one meme from all of humanity, the fallacious concept of inherent and/or inevitable difference would be ruthlessly eviscerated.

keiwontia asked "What are your three favorite friendship / tribe memories, of the last two years?" Favorite is too hard because of my terrible memory so I will go with the three most recent that stand out.

Solstice 2013 was definitely one of them: Topaz, Kylei, Abby, Roger, Aurilion, Locke, Allison and zir Whitney, Heather and zir Brian, me, Camellia and zir Jude -- all the locals I felt tribe with at that time plus Abby and Aurilion who made travel plans so they could come from CT and NC. I made a giant pot of spaghetti sauce and pasta and everyone had food (and alcohol if they wanted it), and we piled all the pillows and blankets on the floor and had a giant cuddle pile, and we played the most unwieldy game of truth or truth (and used a little bell to get the drunkies back to attention), and I gave presents that felt totally right and made people happy, and people gave me sweet presents, and it was just so perfect. It was the best holiday of my life (so far).

And February of this year, when I did a streak of writing and invited people I loved to join me, and several people gave it a shot, it made me feel so connected and much closer and gave me hope. I felt home on LJ again.

Then TBC this year. Adi and Abby and Roger all went, and it felt like going home. I felt happy that TBC was important to Abby and Adi, and happy that Roger went for the first time. TBC is incredibly important to me and ideally I'd take my whole tribe!

Also the last two intimacy practices have felt that way. I feel like people are valuing and prioritizing it, and investing in each other more than in the past. I feel so fucking loved that these people are investing in each other. I think it makes me feel more loved even then them investing in interactions with me! I think that will change over time but for now, it's a new kind of showing love that I've never had in an intentional way, and it feels really, really nourishing. Seriously. It happened accidentally way back in the day when I had a little tribe here on LJ of mutual friends who all loved and invested in each other, and I hadn't realized how much of that was because they invested in each other as well as in me.

I took a bye this week mostly because I was very distracted with working out my own stuff, but I still read:

( recommended reading week 8 )

Last week I embroiled myself in an argument about the use of slurs (which is normal for me) and was careless about my tone (which is quite out of character for me). The person responded by critiquing my tone and ignoring my argument, telling me that I was being disrespectful and I wasn't going to win any people to my cause with that attitude. What's implied here is "if you were a REAL activist you wouldn't be rude." As a real activist, I reject 100% of this argument.

Being respectful is important to me. I wasn't being disrespectful, I was being rude. I said "Ugh," mocked this person's argument (which was in favor of using slurs) by paraphrasing and called it ridiculous; nothing about this denigrates someone's personhood. If I say to someone "your breath stinks, I wish you would brush your tongue" I'm not being disrespectful, I am being rude. If I said "You're gross because your breath stinks" that would be disrespectful. If I called this person a word which is regularly used to dehumanize, that would be extremely disrespectful. The problem is, when you are used to the privilege of being taken seriously, someone being dismissive of your argument feels very shocking and humiliating; you take it personally.

Secondly, the idea that "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar" is flat-out wrong. I have extensive experience with calling people out, and their reaction depends entirely on them (others who regularly engage in calling out also say this is true and I have yet to see a counterexample). I have been polite and had people react with fury, and I've been rude and had people react with concern and a desire to learn. Usually I am polite, but it is not my job to be polite in the face of someone else's disrespect. What usually happens when I argue with someone who is using a slur or otherwise supporting oppression is that that person doesn't change their mind, but others who witness the conversation do. The "catching flies" argument is invariably used by people who just want an excuse not to bother changing.

And oh, the "real activist" argument. There is no wrong way to resist oppression, and my goal is NOT to convert all the people to my way of thinking. My number one goal is to resist oppression in whatever way I can in my individual life. I hope that others are influenced along the way, but I am not an activist for their sake and if they want to be offended by my "PC policing" that's not my problem. I completely reject the idea that I must be an exemplary person for others to realize that oppression is wrong and decide to resist it. I do not need to live up to your standards for oppression to be harmful: that is an objective fact, and it is your job to realize it, not my job to teach you.

The reason I am usually polite is partly because I fear being judged. I have seen what happens with people who are perceived as "too strident" and I am afraid that my friends will judge me that way. I also don't enjoy being rude for its own sake: I am only tempted to do it when I am out of energy to calm myself down and be careful to phrase politely, and too upset to let it pass. I am not proud of being rude to this person, but I am not ashamed either. This was a new experience for me and in the future I intend to be more constructively rude when I am rude (because groaning and mocking is a waste of my time), but I don't intend to make sure I am polite to people using slurs or making oppressive jokes. My politeness is earned by respect and lost by disrespect.

I took a bye this week but there are a lot of good entries by other folk! It's a community-only vote this week which means you'd have to join in order to vote. I'll probably be asking people to do that at some point in the future anyway, so if you feel so inclined I hope you'll vote for some of these people because I want more from them ;-)

( week 6 recommendations )

If you haven't seen NLC Net's series about Chinese workers in Disney sweatshops, you might be unaware of how Disney exploits its workers. If you haven't seen "Mickey Mouse Monopoly" you might be unaware of the ways and intensity to which Disney shapes the thinking of children. If it isn't within your experience and you haven't read intersectional critique you might be unaware of the ways in which Disney's films are racist and sexist. But most of the people I know -- even those who otherwise care deeply about resisting oppression -- just don't want to think about it. Somehow Disney is the one clearly exploitative part of life that people I know are most resistant to acknowledge and work against. It has trapped people's thinking, and I know why.

Disney has co-opted magic. It has packaged and licensed and sold it, defined it and locked it up. Its first theme park was the "Magic Kingdom," which in two words creates a border that magic cannot cross and establishes it as a place that is ruled by a rich male. It has created the idea that magic is made of sparkles and swirling light and air, that it is a visual thing, a tactile thing. It made magic into a binary of good and evil, something with clear and easy to understand edges, something with obvious consequences. It stole magic from us and then sold it back, and if you want more you have to keep paying: you have to buy movie tickets and theme park tickets and merchandise. Magic becomes a thing that you cannot access without an intermediary.

I think in some ways I was lucky that my family was poor and controlling. I saw my first movie at age 8 and didn't watch TV until I was 19; my childhood magic was found in nature and books. But others' first exposure to magic may have been Disney, or they may have grown up disallowed magic and found that the only kind that was allowed was the kind validated by billion-dollar sales: Disney. Disney's magic may be the only kind that allows them to feel wonder as an adult -- because at Disney's parks you're SUPPOSED to feel wonder and see magic. If you go through your daily life noticing and feeling awe at magic (like moss in the sidewalk cracks), your social status will drop; if you do it at Disney, it's okay.

So while I feel wounded at the suffering that I know goes into and comes out of Disney, I also feel that it is, for some, their only access to magic, and I have a hard time discussing it. I hate telling my lover that no, I cannot go see the latest Disney because I do not want to support a corporation that I know causes harm. I hate being silent and uncomfortable when other people describe their deep connection with a Disney film; I will tell people my thoughts when they ask but most of the time I stay quiet. I understand how it must be well-nigh impossible to cut off a source of magic (even if it is problematic) when you don't know another source. I don't have an alternative to offer them, and I understand the need for magic. I feel trapped.

My gender can be summed up in one word: No.

I identify as genderfree. What that means is that I don't want any gender on me; I don't want any of my behaviors, hobbies, attitudes, clothes, ANYTHING to be viewed through a gender lens. I know most people don't have the skill to put their gender lens down, so I accept that most people are just not going to understand me.

My sex identity is more complicated. I was assigned female at birth and I think most people would guess me to be female from my physical form, but I experience myself as intersex (note: I do not identify as intersex because I do not have the experiences of people with bodies which are physically intersex). When I have sex, it is sometimes with my vulva and sometimes with my cock* and sometimes with both, and I no longer desire to have sex with people who can't accept all my parts (including the non-physical and non-bodily ones). I don't think there even is a surgery that would create the external body to match my internal, and I'm wary of putting extra growth hormones into my body (the things called 'sex hormones' have many purposes in every body so 'sex hormone' is misleading and 'female/male hormones' is flat-out incorrect), so I do not think I will transition even if that were an option for me (and I'm pretty sure I'd be labeled as some flavor of 'crazy' and not allowed to form my own course of transition). Had I been born with testes, I would have them removed but I think that is all the transition I would do. I would wear much the same clothes that I do now, because I wear them for color and comfort not for gender/sex identity.

I usually describe myself as trans, because that explains that my gender and/or sex are different from my assignment, which is all that's really relevant to people I'm not having sex with.

I prefer gender-neutral pronouns (ze/zir/zirs or they/them/theirs or whatever you're used to) but for me (and this is unusual for trans people so don't take me as an example!) I want people to talk about me how they see me. I'd prefer for people to see me without gender, but if they see me as gendered I want to know. I do not get offended when people refer to me as 'she' but I feel most respected and seen when people refer to me in gender-neutral terms.

*I have an energetic/'spiritual' cock which I have sex with. I think being able to literally physically feel people touch my cock and penetrate people with it and orgasm with it makes it so that I don't feel such a need to transition as I might otherwise feel.

(this is a response to a prompt from Camellia)

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."

If you just look at the last sentence of this quote, it sounds like an endorsement of bootstrappism -- the idea that victims are victims because they choose to be, and if they would only take control of their life, oppression magically would cease to affect them. This couldn't be more in opposition to Martin Luther King Jr.'s message. The implication of that last sentence out of context would be that if you bow to power it will take you, and therefore it is the oppressed person's job to not bow in order to fix oppression. What MLK was saying is that those with power will not just give you a better life; it takes resistance from the oppressed to make any change happen. "We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed."

I agree. While deconstructing oppressive structures is solely the responsibility of the privileged, those with privilege will never give it up if the oppressed just wait around for it to happen. Continuous resistance is the only way. Most people have some form of privilege and are also oppressed in some way; for instance I have white, cis-passing, college-educated, non-disabled privilege as well as some forms of financial privilege. I consider that this gives me responsibility for resisting racism, cissexism, ableism, and class- and education- based discrimination. On the other hand, I face oppression for being queer, gender non-conforming, female-assigned, and fat, and I am marginalized for being a sexual abuse victim, non-monogamous, vegetarian, nudist, feminist, non-capitalist, and non-neurotypical. I also have the ability (though not the responsibility) to educate and inform on the ways in which I am oppressed or marginalized.

I understand that because I am white, I have a power to speak back against things like racism which people of color do not have, and if I do not wish to make things worse, I have to actively resist the system of racism; this is true for every privilege I have. I cannot speak for others but I can speak against oppression, and "activism is my rent for living on the planet" (Alice Walker). I must work against all oppression, because it is all linked, and certainly must not attempt to prioritize that which directly affects me. As MLK said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Martin Luther King Jr. did not put the onus of change on the oppressed; instead MLK spoke to the oppressed about a practical strategy of resistance. If people of privilege turn to MLK for wisdom, they should consider this: "I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to 'order' than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: 'I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action'; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a 'more convenient season.' Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will." - MLK

prosphoros prompted me to write about how I do energy work/play.

I learned intuitively for the most part, by simply experimenting. The first time I experienced energy work in a deliberate, significant way (I'd tried little bits before), it was when Kylei had an interaction with a person who formed a negative energy connection. ( the background, and description of how the first experience felt )

So when I did this first energy cleansing, I had Kylei lay down, and I hovered my hands about an inch above zir and passed them over every spot to see what I felt. Then if I felt something negative, I used energy to pull it out. Sometimes it felt like a dust cloud and sometimes like an object. I would pull it out with my hands in what looks like pantomime, then fling it away and shake my hands clean. After I got all the things out that didn't belong, I ran my hands over zir again and where I felt an emptiness I poured energy in, breathing it in from the universe and letting it go out of my hands (instead of using my own energy, which I had done previously and knew was a Bad Idea). This is how I do energy work now, for the most part, but I haven't done a full cleansing in a long time, just little bits here and there. The most powerful things about this experience were that it worked and made us feel way better, and even more significant, we had the same physical sensations at the same time, for non-physical events.

I did a lot of energy work with Kylei over time, but almost exclusively on energetic/emotional things. The times I've used energy work for physical healing are few and far between. The first was accidental, when I was giving my mom a backrub and afterward ze asked if I was using a heat pack because of the energy that was coming out of my hands (this was when I first realized I could do this, but I was afraid it would never happen again so I didn't try for a long time). The first time I realized that it was more than just heat was when Abby felt a migraine coming and ze lay down while I ran my hands over zir head and felt what seemed like static, and I did a little bit of pulling but mostly I just ran cool soothing water energy over the static to calm it -- and it stopped the migraine from coming which Abby said had never happened to zir once it got to the point it had been (which was where vision was going out), even with powerful medications. I've since helped Topaz with zir migraines, though not quite as dramatically. I think my fear that it won't work again gets in the way, but when I'm first trying it I'm open to any possibility. I really need more practice so that I lose that fear.

Energy play is mostly a sexual thing for me, though that's just circumstantial because I haven't had local people who are motivated and able to do energy play that is nonsexual. Sexual energy play is just a part of how I have sex; I'd say at least half of the time I need for sex to contain energy play or I will feel a lack of nourishment and lose interest. This involves things like people touching my chakras, spinning them, connecting them with their own, entering them (or vice versa), pouring energy into them, etc. One of the most intense sexual experiences I've had involved me penetrating someone's heart chakra with my sacral chakra. I experience my chakras as being tubes that run through my body, with openings on both sides, and energy can flow out through them in a concentrated form. This makes about 80billion possible combinations which is fascinating because they all feel different.

Sexual energy play is also essential to me because of my identity as a trans person. ( I'm very sensitive about this so I don't want any doubting or playful comments on it )

Other kinds of energy work I do are the oneness blessing, card readings (which I do by shuffling while mentally asking the deck to give me "a card to tell [person] what they need to [whatever]" and then drawing, looking at the card to see what sticks out and tells me something intuitively), shielding (when I deliberately put a block to keep someone from harming me energetically), cleansing objects (same method as for people), calming animals (feeling-broadcasting 'calm, relax' emotion at them strongly), cleansing places (using a sistrum I made for this purpose, incense, and speaking positive words), and connecting (with plants, mostly, sometimes people: I close my eyes and try to match their breath, their energetic speed, so that I can put my energy next to theirs and feel them more fully).

darkestgarden gave me this prompt: talk to us about some of your favorite characters from creative media and why they resonate with you. I decided to do just tv shows to keep it from getting too long, and I tend to identify more with characters when I can spend more time with them.

Xena: I love this for so many reasons. I identify with Xena because I feel like I went through that transformation from disconnected and lost to feeling like I can connect with the world again. I identify with Gabrielle because I have been the one who has to poke and prod to get someone to learn to communicate (many times) and because I would make similar choices if I was given similar experiences. I also identify with their relationship because I've been in relationships with a similar dynamic. And I identify a LOT with Callisto in all zir incarnations; zir wild fierceness is something that just resonates on an energetic level with me.

Saving Grace: This show feels SO fucking close to my heart. Grace is so fucking honorable and brave, I love love love zir. And while there are some parts of the spiritual mythicality that I don't like, most of it resonates strongly. I feel like if I had stayed in a small town, I would have become a lot more like Grace. The way they portray the south in that show is so true to my feeling about it and it's beautiful to me; people being loud and expressive and messy and playful. I love the way Grace handles every crisis in zir life and in zir past; there's nothing I can remember zir doing that I don't feel is true and so fucking nakedly passionate. I think even though I don't feel like I am Grace, I love zir more than any other character in any show or film I've seen. I actually miss zir like ze was a friend of mine and now that the show is over, ze's gone. I felt that way the first time I watched it and the second time too.

Medium: I started watching this from musicandmisery's recommendation (also true for Saving Grace). The thing I love the most about it is the relationships between Allison & Joe and the kids. It's the most realistic and true love I've ever seen on a show, such daily life struggles handled with mistakes and deep respect. I identify so much with Allison: I don't experience visions for the most part but I feel that struggle between trying to believe in your intuition and your own experience while other people want you to submit to their disbelief. I feel for Joe too; I've been that person that has to be like "and now we have to think about the practical aspects" and "okay let's take a breath and stop freaking out." And I think the supernatural stuff is handled really well; it's not done for creepy effect nor is it unrealistically a secret from everyone in the sensitive person's life. And the kids are just fucking awesome characters; Brigit practically IS my little sister.

Lost Girl: I love this show SO MUCH (except for the transphobic first episode of the 3rd season -- SKIP IT and the show is brilliant). I identify so much with Kenzie; with feeling like the only one like me in a world where everyone else has an extra sense but me and with zir intense loyalty and bravery. I also love Kenzie because ze reminds me of Topaz, so it's a strange mix. Without Kenzie in the show I don't think I'd care very much. Also Vex! with zir genderqueerness and strange forms of caretaking and the whole fucked-up-person-tries-to-show-love, that gets me every time.

Grey's Anatomy: not one of my favorite shows, but I keep watching it because of Christina and Callie. It's so fucking cool to see my facial expressions and movements on tv! Sara Ramirez (Callie) and I make such similar faces it's ridic, and the values of Callie's character make so much sense to me. Christina is important to me because of the deep valuing of friendship between Christina and Meredith, and because Christina is one of those people that gets treated as a cold unfeeling person because ze is intense and frank about everything. I love zir and every damn time ze cries I cry.

The L Word: I loved Jenny. I loved watching zir unfurl and come to believe in zirself, and I hated what they did to zir character in the last season; it was a complete break from the past and just RIDICULOUSLY bad writing. I loved zir commitment to honesty even when it drove everyone away. I loved how ze loved; so unabashedly, wildly and destructively. I loved how ze poked people, trying to get them to self examine, and it bothered me that no one saw it as it was. I loved zir generosity, the way ze saw people so clearly and compassionately and never judged. Ze would never have told those massive lies in the last season; the writers just fucked up. It was SO out of character; Jenny's 'dysfunction' was always about being too honest.

Moonlight: I love this show because it's a male/female romance/drama that isn't gross. And that NEVER HAPPENS. The show calls out sexist shit and doesn't make the characters into cardboard genders. Mick is never afraid of appearing weak and Beth is never afraid of appearing strong. It's just a huge fucking relief. Also this is the only show with a vampire myth that I find fascinating instead of flat and/or ridiculously dramatic. I identify with Beth and Mick, with the one who doesn't give up and the one who feels not good enough to know.

There are some character types I always resonate with:
the 'cynic' or 'evil' one that tries to make connections and is clumsy and usually rejected.
the sensitive one who sees/notices things other people don't or takes honest actions other people wouldn't and is treated as 'crazy'.
the wild ones who live for desire and not in avoidance of fear; who are violent but in honorable ways.
the one who has to be the solid counterpoint for a lover that often goes off balance.
the ones who express their feelings about people in ways that are 'inappropriate', who emote boldly and take risks for relationships.
(this one is RARE) the ones who are careful about consent in sex AND in any power dynamic.
the person who holds back because they feel like they are not a good person for others to know.

So many people sitting in what is a CASTLE of wealth ignore their privilege and point in another direction -- "oh but that person has a castle twice as large as mine! I'm not wealthy!" No. Other castles are irrelevant. Pay attention and notice that for every castle there are TONS of ramshackle shelters. The fact that yours has a drawbridge with a hole in it and hasn't had a new moat dug in 20 years doesn't make it any less a castle. The fact that you've had to eat food you didn't like or skip eating out doesn't make your safe supply of food any less a gigantic privilege in light of the vast numbers of people that live with food insecurity or flat-out starve (one in EIGHT humans are suffering from chronic undernourishment). I've had many arguments with people about money because I stoutly believe that money is to be used for the best of all, and it is wrong to hoard it.

Sitting on a pile of money so you feel secure (when you're a non-disabled white person) is NOT using it for the best of all. I am incensed by people who could easily support the life of someone they claim to love (who is contributing to the world through art or action), but they choose to keep their money in an account or 'invest it' or spend it on a new house, new car, expensive vacation, or other luxury. I've known several people with wealthy parents who think it is some kind of virtue to refrain from helping their offspring achieve some goal because the offspring 'should' do it the hard way. NO. That is fucking GROSS: exploitative work (which is the majority of jobs which might be available immediately) is NOT something everyone should experience! If it would be no effort to you to give someone the chance to escape (some level of) exploitation, how could you choose not to do it?

I think buying expensive things when a cheap one would do is gross because it is a waste. That extra money could have gone to feed someone, or get someone medication, etc. I am not saying all luxury is bad; some amount of luxury is self-kindness. However, I don't think there is ANY* excuse** for buying a piece of clothing that costs more than a minimum wage worker makes in a month, or half a month for that matter. That's some elitist classist revolting BULLSHIT. (*well, actually, I do think there are some instances where that is okay; if it is a sacred object to the person buying it, there is no price that I could say is too much. But in the vast majority of cases, FUCK THAT. **also sometimes it is necessary to use expensive objects to combat racism or other prejudice. I don't judge people who consciously use status symbols to level the playing field. If you're a white cisgender non-disabled neurotypical person, that ain't you.)

If I was wealthy enough (which I define as making 150% of what I need to survive, while living frugally) I would give the majority of my excess to everyone I knew who spent their time giving, or who needed healing time at home, etc (and if I was still more wealthy I would make it so that their necessities were all covered, and include people I didn't know). I would not be alive today if someone hadn't paid my necessities for the two years that I was agoraphobic while working through childhood sexual abuse. It is not okay that people have to labor for the basic necessities of life; food, shelter, water, health care, education, and internet should be available to everyone. (no, the internet one is not a joke: it is extremely important for access to so many resources) In my ideal world, everyone would get these things and then give to the community in whatever way they could. This is not likely to happen on a grand scale, but if I had the power to make it happen for some people I would, and I'd prioritize the least privileged.

I've recently realized (after expecting to be poor my whole life) that I may have a lucrative skill. I consider it my responsibility as a relatively privileged person to attempt to make money in this way so that I can support others. This may seem counterintuitive, but frankly I feel certain that taking action to help people who are being mangled by the system is better than opting out (which is something that only privileged people can do).

In the meantime, while not yet making 100% of what I need to survive, I give away 11% of everything I earn (not counting things borrowed or gifted) to social/ecological justice organizations and/or friends in need. This is vital to me, because there are so many people working for good, and I am not the best person to do direct action for a number of reasons (I will do it when I can but I can't be counted on). In many cases, me trying to 'help' directly would be a terrible idea: best to give to people who know what their community needs and let them handle it. I can afford this right now because if I were to run out of money and need help, I could count on people to give me food, shelter, etc. In this way I am incredibly privileged. Also, it is essential to me to remember that money is not mine and I cannot truly own anything but my own body and self: giving away from what I earn reminds me that 'earning' is an illusion because owning is an illusion.

In practical immediate terms, this translates to me being careful to communicate clearly and act with financial consideration in my relationships. If I want to go to some event with cost, I want my poorer friend to come, and I can afford to pay for both of us, I would consider it unethical to not sincerely offer to pay their way. Since I usually can't afford to do that, I just ask with up-front info about the cost and am careful to not push. I do not expect anyone to pay for me, but I do expect them to let me know the cost ahead of time and not try (at ALL, EVER) to push me to spend money. If I forget to tell someone about a cost for something and they get stuck in a situation where they feel pressured to pay, I consider it my responsibility to cover that or otherwise help them out of that situation (changing the plan, for instance).

inspired by kmiotutsie's prompt and lj idol's topic.

sabr gave me these two prompts:

March 26: The eve of my most lucrative photography event of the year, the Red Barn Run. Tell me about what you would do for a career if you could do anything?
Anything... well my number one ideal would be to have someone subsidize my life as I went about offering what good I could offer to whoever needed it: relationship counseling, energy cleansing, photography, life coaching, card readings, art, crafty parties, cuddle sessions, intimacy practices (this, actually, I feel would be AMAZING to do five times a week with different groups, me just facilitating as they interacted and learned about each other). I think I would end up doing the world the most good this way. Second best would be to be in a lucrative job working in stats, so that I could donate to the organizations that I feel are making positive difference, and be able to help out friends in need, while working at a job that I like and am good at. Third would be working in research and/or being a professor at a college. I feel like that would be a high-stress job and I might get burnt out, but I could do significant good for a while I think.

March 27: This is Scarlette (my unicorn)'s purchase anniversary. She is the most sacred connection I have on this earth. Tell me about the most prized possession you have.
hm. That's hard to answer! pretty much everything in my sanctuary is deeply important to me. But if I strip it down to "save only one object" I think that would have to be the Tree I made:

( photos )

I wanted to make a home for my tiny Faeries, so I found a perfect old print at a thrift store (I had originally intended to find a canvas that I would paint over entirely but this presented itself!), painted the matting to make it more blended with the actual print (this took several tries), and added two bits of vellum with meaningful phrases. I tore brown paper bags into strips, soaked them in gluey water, twisted and squished them into the shape of a tree, waited forever for it to dry, painted it over with glue to make it sturdy and shiny, and let it dry again, then glued it in place on the framed print. I cut up toilet paper rolls into crescents and painted them (twice), then glued them along the branches, and glued acrylic petals (which I had had for at least 14 years) on with tiny glass marbles in their center. All in all this project took the most time of any single art piece I've ever done. And it came out exactly as I wanted and made a perfect home for my Faeries. It's sacred to me because it was a labor of love for holding magic, it's full of materials that would have otherwise been thrown away, it's kind of a selfportrait, and of course because it is a tree with roots in water.

Prompt from topaznebula: If you could select three instruments (voice can be one if desired), any instruments, to be able to perfectly and masterfully play, which would you pick and why?
voice -- because I feel like if I could sing, I could write music, and I feel like I'd be good at coming up with the lyric-line. I'd write about what mattered to me, and people could take it in better as song.
hand drums (like conga drums, djembes, hapi drum, the bohran) -- because they mean so much to me, and I feel like if I knew that I knew how to do it I would drum a LOT because the main thing that stops me is feeling like I can't because I don't know things.
upright bass -- because it is an instrument that gives me shivers and I feel like if I had one and knew how to play it, it would become one of my closest friends.

from darkestgarden: since you mentioned wanting multiple tattoos in your march 4th post, could you tell us what the possibilities are, how you chose them, and what they mean to you?

I'll give an update to this previous post on the subject: I just got my first tattoo nine days ago!

( photos of it and thoughts on it )

---

more tattoos I want, divided by certainty and then put in the order I want to get them:

PLANS:

left deltoid/shoulder/arm:
a cluster of five-pointed stars of various colors, each star representing a person who has made an impact on my life and the size of each star representing the depth of the impact.

the back of my right wrist:
the words "intersectional / feminist" (slashes are line breaks) with this symbol above it.

the back of my left wrist:
the words "right to knowledge" with a wi-fi symbol above it and a 7-pointed crown of seshat behind it. (I want to get this one and the right wrist one on the same day)

right deltoid:
a black-outlined Quaker 8-pointed star as a 4-point over a 4-point, with a black eye of Horus in the center. The top, diagonal 4-point would have swirls of color from each point, circling around the eye -- green from NW, red from NE, blue from SE, violet from SW. On the bottom, perpendicular star arms would be symbols: a violet feather for openness/honesty on the north, a blue equals sign for equality on the west, a green ankh for reverence on the east, and a red tree for love/interconnectedness on the south. like this, only not sketchy and badly drawn.

center chest, just below collarbone:
Ka symbol with a tree inside it.

---

HOPES:

on my back, 2 inches below the shoulder line in the center:
a sheela-na-gig who looks half plant and has a figure similar to mine (except the exaggerated vulva of course). Open eyes looking straight ahead, with a smile revealing feline teeth, head tilted down just a little. Skin patterned like leaf veins, no hair.

back:
tree tattoo with realistic bark and abstract green for leaves, with visible roots going down my butt and water around the roots. sorta like this (this one is a maybe because it will be SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE)

Right shoulderblade:
realistic Renenutet, with tail curling around and down the tree trunk.

Left shoulderblade:
a waterstar, in violet edges with water reflection patterns inside

front right shoulder:
the words "bite the sun" stacked, slanting diagonally towards my sternum

front left shoulder:
the words "share the day" stacked, slanting diagonally towards my sternum

mmmmurgle prompted me: You've talked before about asking questions being a skill, one that you're very skilled at. How would you coach someone through developing that skill?

Oh dear. Practice times 80billion? I think I learned it mostly through long years of living with someone who was super taciturn while they were my only human contact (I don't recommend that method). But it was increased by talking with someone who asked me incisive questions (Hannah) and realizing that I could look for missing information and then ask about it. It's just my first choice for a response, usually. If someone says "I'm fine" I would probably ask "what about [this specific thing]?" (relationship, job, creative project, whatever I might know about happening) and then if they say, "things have been tough with my lover" I would ask "how so?" <- that, actually, is the easiest and one of the best questions. It prompts the person to look again at the thing they have said and expand on it. Most people want to know that you are interested in the long answer before they will give it to you. The process in my head is 1) person says something 2) I listen and look through the answer for something I would want to know more about 3) I ask about that specific thing 4) process repeats. Taking things from general to specific is good question skill-building. If you're thinking of initiating with a question, the more specific the better because vague is hard to answer. If you're first getting to know a person, ask about their emotions (what makes you [angry]?), their habits/preferences (what is your favorite [kind of outing]?), their desires (what do you want [in a friend]?), their self-labels (do you consider yourself [an artist]?). One of the best questions I've ever been asked is "what do you feel the strongest need to have more of in your life right now?" I had never considered that, and it made me realize stuff about my priorities. Please ask followups if you have any ;-)

Lydia asked How do you handle choosing between remaining in a relationship for fear of being alone or embracing your independence even if it means being alone for the rest of your natural life?

That is a very hard choice. I would imagine that one wouldn't need to be alone but I understand that fear. For me, when it comes to relationships I have realized that I cannot be happy or fulfilled if I am motivated by fear or obligation, and that if I am neither happy nor fulfilled, I am pouring my energy into a black hole and being useful to no one. I think I would be comfortable never having another lover as long as I could have close friends, so I think I would theoretically be okay being alone in that way for the rest of my life. My first relationship was one I poured all of my energy into and that is a HUGE adjustment to make and it's scary but it's also a weight lifted. I think if one is scared to leave a relationship, the first step is to try to find a support system; try to make friends and feel connected to people other than one's partner. I don't think I could have left that relationship that took all my energy if I hadn't found the friends I did. It's just too hard to live completely alone, we are social creatures. But friends can be wonderful; I have seen enough of aquaintances that people call friends to know that most people are CRAP at being friends, but there are people who want to build real connections as friends. In my experience, poly queers are the best group to find someone who will know how to be friends, because they don't put intimacy into a one-person box. Overall I could never make the choice for someone else, but several times I have made the choice to act out of desire rather than fear and every time it has led me to a better life.

Last night I dreamed of a place I've been at least twice before in dreams: a VERY tall house (I've never seen the ceiling) with an open, windowed side allowing a balcony on every level of the house. Like before, there was a staircase twisting up and up through open air. (like a cross between this, this, and this) I climbed and climbed and felt I had gotten halfway before the stairs started to grow narrower and get rickety, and instead of being connected to the wall every half-story, they just went up unconnected to anything, swaying, with no railings. I realized this and decided that I needed to go back down to warn people about the need to support the staircase, so I got off at that level to take the elevator (for speed). I walked in and looked around only to realize that there were no buttons and I had no power over where the elevator went. I started to panic but then blimeyzawn1 pressed the button to call the elevator and I flung my arm through the opening and warned them not to get on. I got off and took the twin elevator down -- checking from the outside to see if it had buttons (it did). Then my alarm went off, super frustrating because I wanted to find out what happened next.

Stairs are a very important symbol to me dream-wise, though I hate them in real life (most of the time a ramp would be better AND more accessible!); in dreams they usually mean progression, that I am growing in some area. I felt like there was something deeper about this dream so I looked up elevator and stairs. dreammoods.com says that climbing stairs is a symbol of transformation, progressing, growth, that being stuck on a broken elevator is a reference to being stuck in life, and descending in an elevator can symbolize being grounded. The shortest part of the dream was the 'stuck' part, which I think is relevant. The more I think about this dream the more I feel like it's related to the discomfort I have with most spiritual people being "too heavenly-minded to do any earthly good."

Yesterday I went to a spiritual gather of people who focus entirely on the mind and the inner world. They feel that the highest good for all is to come into a greater spiritual awareness; this is a huge movement with many followers, most of whom are fairly wealthy from what I can tell (explaining more would give away what kind of group it is). They give to the community but ONLY in non-physical ways. They do wish for everyone to have access to their spiritual tools and are willing to help in some ways (which is sadly unusual), but their concern stops there. I find this really problematic, and a common attitude among spiritual and/or artistic people. I feel that the rickety staircase with no supports was a reference to that; me getting off the staircase was my psyche telling me that I shouldn't invest more in this group. The problem is that there is so little community for people who want to engage in spirituality AND in social justice. Marx's attitude that "abolition of religion (often extrapolated to spirituality) as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness" is really common among the social justice folk I know, and the few who do have a spiritual practice have a solitary one. I keep trying to find something that is local, free (because otherwise is classist as fuck and 'suggested donations' make it NOT FREE), that cares both about spirituality and about practicing justice now. I suppose I could offer something at my house, but I feel like I don't have enough skills to do that by myself. I feel like my psyche is pushing for me to do something, but so far I haven't come up with an idea that seems workable.

(submitted for LJ idol topic 2: the missing stair)

rmpenguino gave me this prompt: When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help? Who do you trust to advise or talk to you in ways that most feel like your own voice?

Who I call for help depends on the kind of trouble I'm in. If I am very sad or in a panic I call Topaz, because usually what I need to feel better is cuddles and ze's SO good at that and is willing to come take care of me if I am in need and ze is at all capable (which ze usually is). But mostly I deal with trouble on my own, I'd say. I write, to understand myself, and I ask for comfort if I need it, and I seek the things that bring me joy.

I don't like advice, 99.999% of the time. I like people to ask me questions to help me think more deeply and figure stuff out, but I want to figure it out myself. When I write about frustrations here, I welcome feedback but not "here's what you should do" instead "here's what I would do" or "what do you think about this?" The people who I trust to give me respectful feedback are intimacy practice people, ex-lovers, and long-time LJ friends. I feel I could reach to any of them, and if they were capable at that moment they would give to me whatever I needed.

blimeyzawn1 asked What are the things in your friendships and romantic relationships that you feel you most need to improve?

This sort of ties in to my answer about the most important thing I recently learned: I need to improve my unprompted real-time openness skill. I also need to get into a habit of checking regularly to see if there is any behavior I am interpreting to have only one possible meaning. And I need to get in the habit of avoiding 'slush time' (time spent with a lover doing things that aren't really nourishing) because it's not good for me but it's such an easy habit to fall into (I've been much better about it lately but it's not habit yet). Another thing I don't necessarily feel I need to improve, but I WANT to improve, is my active building one-on-one. It's tiring for me so I tend to put off and forget about it but there are friends who I value dearly who I've never had a one-on-one conversation with (like you, until last week!). So I'm working to do that once a week, and reach out to someone other than Topaz once a day, because I want to invest more in active building of my connections.

justben gave me this prompt: What is the most important-to-you-right-now thing you've learned in the last six months? How did you learn it, and why is it important to you right now?

That my perceptions can be WILDLY incorrect. I knew that sort of generally, but I'd gotten used to being very perceptive and getting lots of "yeah that's what's going on" feedback, and then I talked with several people I was close to years ago and realized that back then I had never asked if my perceptions were true, and it turns out I went long periods of time on absolutely wrong perceptions. I think I mostly have the habit of asking if I am correct in what I think is going on now, but Topaz helped me see that a clue to being wrong is when I interpret something the same way every time. That was pretty shocking and cool to realize, because if I think "this behavior always means this thing" then I never think to double-check with the person to see if that is what their behavior actually means. So I found a new red flag for bad communication.

Also, learning that I am unskilled at unprompted openness in real-time. That was new knowledge and gave me a whole new thing to practice. I have a goal of sharing some unprompted meaningful thought (with a person who is not my lover) in real time every day.

Alfred gave me these prompts: describe a dystopian vision of the future & You are God Empress of Earth. What do you do?
Hmm, dystopia. Hmmm, God Empress. I'm combining these two. I'd set all the incarcerated-who-didn't-attack-people-of-less-power free and round up all the true criminals & unrepentant defaults/near-defaults and send them to Feminist Boarding School for the Criminally Patriarchal (which you can graduate from, but it's damn hard, nothing like the easy shit they went through at their ivy league coddling schools. Oh, and you have to self-educate, then pass tests set by non-defaults: if you fail try again, ain't no one gonna drag you up, ain't no buying your way out of this one). I'd make nothing illegal except infringing on a living being's will, hoarding resources, and/or damaging the environment unnecessarily and on purpose, and while I'm an omnipotent omniscient deity, I'd be the only one who got to judge if that happened. It would be FUCKING CHAOS and the world would be so much better. I'd set a curse on the earth so that if any tried to exert power over another without their consent (omniscient exceptions for parents unless they're being abusive assholes), that person automatically got covered in painful boils for a week. If they try it again, painful boils for a month. Try it again and you get SMOTE. Lightning, dead. Better learn to ask and negotiate, I am not a merciful godde and I know your intentions. I'd set up new governance such that prepubescent children got to decide (initially with my guidance) if someone broke the law or not, and how to punish them. One generation later, all children are raised communally so that there can actually be consensual parenting relationships (children old enough to communicate choose who they want to guide them, from a pool of people who consent to parent). After those children were raised I'd consider my work done. The curse stays though, since otherwise there'd be some shitheads trying to rule.

theindiequeen gave me this ridiculously difficult prompt: What are your top 10 favorite albums of all time?
hahahaha! I couldn't possibly say, I can't rank my loves. But I can TRY tell you which albums had the most impact on my life.

Contact by the Benjamin Gate got me through the loneliest time of my life, gave me something good to hold on to when I most needed it. I felt seen, held, strengthened by it. Even though it has a lot of Jesus-must-be-your-favorite stuff in it I still love it, still feel like singing along, still feel that it has life and meaning for me. I associate it with wild impassioned dancing at every concert, driving 13 hours, flying, writing letters, sending presents; The Benjamin Gate was something I could believe in and look up to at a time in my life when everyone around me was so full of shit, lying all the time. "this is not what I need to be!" and I still deeply love the sound, so fucking much. "Need" still makes me yearn and cry. I've never had a relationship with an artist like I had with The Benjamin Gate. I can still worship with this music.

Everybody Else Is Doing It So Why Can't We by the Cranberries is an album I listened to seeking meaning, asking for answers from Godde. I used it as an oracle; a way to bring me messages. I must have gone to sleep listening to it almost every night for two years. I love all of the Cranberries works but this was my first love. I associate it with waiting, hoping, and hearing what I needed to hear.

World Is Bound By Secret Knots by Noe Venable was my first Noe Venable album and it changed me deeply. It came into my life when I was feeling spiritually lost and it gave me a place to be, a way to feel connected to all things. It nourished me and introduced me to one of my deities (through the song Black Madonna). It is to me as a temple might be to someone else. Summer Storm Journals is a close second, I've felt roots and my own godde self through it. I recently got one of Noe Venable's oldest albums and there was some problematic ableist stuff in it (using other people's experiences as metaphors) and that has me terribly nervous but there wasn't any in the more recent ones and that was 16 years ago (holy shit). I have such unbearably high hopes for the new album, oh dear Godde please let it be what I want from it.

200km/hr in The Wrong Lane/Dangerous And Moving by t.A.T.u. -- yes both, because in my mind they are the same album since I got all the songs together and listened to them like one album. These albums made me feel like I had queer community and helped me to feel validated in myself. And I do love the sound also.

Flutterby by Butterfly Boucher -- this was my first album by this artist. I love the others nearly as much, but this one gives me such beautiful images in my mind, and has more of a magical, mythical focus. I associate it with deviantart because I was really into dA when I first started listening to this.

White Chalk by PJ Harvey -- picking ONE ALBUM from this artist is ridic. But while other of zir albums have songs with intense meaning to me, this is the only one that I sank into with relief. I got this album in May 2009 and through the transformations of that year (breaking up with my partner of 8 years) this album was a guide for me, tapping into my darkness and strength in a way I needed in order to learn to be independent. "All of my being is now in pining / What formerly had cheered me / Now seems / Insignificant"

Tales of a Grasswidow/Grey Oceans by Cocorosie -- Tales of a Grasswidow was my first of their albums, though I had heard a few songs here and there. The unity of scathing dark social commentary on patriarchy and the taking back of spirituality from "sky-god religions" as they call them felt really good for me, and the images they word-painted nourished me. As soon as I felt I had grasped Tales well enough I got Grey Oceans, which resonated even more strongly with me. The surreal appreciation of the mythic and alien in their lyrics was so unique and wonderful for me. I hadn't felt this kind of resonance with an artist since I first discovered Noe Venable. Then I saw them in concert and I cried and my heart beat their rhythms and my veins pulsed with their words, I'd never in my life felt so one with music AND with their performance, which I read as being wild resistance to gender norms and patriarchy in general. Then I got Adventures of Ghosthorse and Stillborn and they broke my heart with the song 'Japan' (not in a good way): it's racist (I think: it gives me that ick feeling but I'm not sure what's wrong with it) and transphobic and misogynist (implies that drag queens want to rape people, implies rape can be desired). I hadn't realized the lyrics when they played it at the concert, but I recognized the tune when I heard it on the album and that means they are still playing it and don't see a problem with it. Although they may have changed the lyrics since and kept the song. I messaged them on twitter because that is the only contact info they had public, but I have no idea if they even saw it. My initial response to that song is to want to cut them out but I've decided that every fucking thing is problematic in some way so I'm going to divorce them from their music and just love the good songs as beings of their own life force.

Hydrogen Burning by Dream Art Science is their only album still, sad :-( but it's really important to me because it speaks of cosmic connection, growth, trees, and Kemetic concepts and deities. I like the sound, it's smooth and meditative. I love the lyrics. "from one atom to another / we are hydrogen"

Mezzanine/Heligoland by Massive Attack are equally important to me. It's harder to articulate why these two (the first and the most recent ones I've listened to). Mezzanine just fits my soul in its sound (and is an album I've had lots of sex to). Heligoland I think is actually important to me because it feels like that's the album where Massive Attack started writing about justice. When I saw them in concert, it was INTENSE, I cried and danced and gasped and panted. They used their platform to educate. I felt all of their songs so much more deeply after feeling the intention live.

Smoke & Fire by Neulander is important to me because there are so many songs on it that I relate to so deeply; about spring, about fighting oppression, about throwing off ties to family. The whole album feels like a walk in a Georgia summer night, alone and strong.

Also quite meaningful but not as much as the above (which are NOT in order by the way):

On a Clear Night by Missy Higgins
The American by Angie Aparo
Hold On Love by Azure Ray
Sugar by Tonic
Spiritchaser by Dead Can Dance
Fur and Gold by Bat For Lashes
Tension and the Spark by Darren Hayes
Deepika by Deepika/Deeyah
Hybrid by Elsiane
Siren by Heather Nova
Still Night, Still Light by Au Revoir Simone
We Are Born by Sia

and there are others that I really love listening to but don't have the same kind of time-tested meaningfulness to me.

This seemed pretty awesome and fun when kittyfaces did it, so me too! I'm getting close to the end of my 22day challenge and I want to keep this momentum.

So this is how it works:
Pick a day of the month of March (check the comments first to see if it's taken). Then, ask me a question or give me a topic to talk about in my journal on that date (up to 3 days per person).
GO! I'll fill this in as people list stuff, and maybe add my own if there aren't enough prompts by the time it rolls around.

Topics:
March 1: (bunnika) What are your most sacred spaces? Do you enjoy sharing them, or do you prefer to enjoy them in solitude?
March 2: (lifeofmendel) When you're feeling depressed, what do you do to cope with it?
March 3: (lifeofmendel) When you're feeling full of joy, what do you do to celebrate it?
March 4: (blimeyzawn1) What do you hope your life will look like in 10 years (in terms of relationship(s), personal development, job, location, general lifestyle, etc.)?
March 5: (delicatexflower) list your sexperiences and how they opened your heart and soul.
March 6: (Topaz) What are the 3 most spiritual experiences you've ever had... excluding interactions with trees. (But plz link back to posts about spiritual interactions with trees in the post)
March 7: (justben: What is your favorite thing about the place you're living today? What is the hardest part for you?
March 8: (Topaz) Summarize/describe your relationship with Xena Warrior Princess, and why you like it, and why it's important to you.
March 9: (rmpenguino) What makes you unique? How different is your perception of yourself versus what you end up being?
March 10: (rmpenguino)How do you show your love for others? Does that influence how you receive love?
March 11: (kmiotutsie) Your relationship with astrology: you like to know sun/moon/rising, but do you know lots about your own natal chart, and what the other planets indicate, and are you interested in that?
March 12: (sabr) This is my horse, TC Nighthawk's birthday. I have a close relationship with him, and we are very close in age - I want to know more about your connection with animals, and where they fit in/shape/improve your life. Tell me about an important connection you have to any particular animal, past or present!
March 13: (volamonster) What physical objects do you own that have deep sentiment attached to them? Can you tell us some stories about them, and/or how you feel about them and why?
March 14: (theindiequeen) What are your top 10 favorite albums of all time?
March 15: How I feel about various means of communication
March 16: (justben) What is the most important-to-you-right-now thing you've learned in the last six months? How did you learn it, and why is it important to you right now?
March 17: (Alfred) describe a dystopean vision of the future.
March 18: (Alfred) You are God Empress of Earth. What do you do?
March 19: (rmpenguino)When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help? Who do you trust to advise or talk to you in ways that most feel like your own voice?
March 20: (blimeyzawn1) For some of your dedicated followers (i.e. me), you seem like the goddess of relationships, full of communication skills and healthy boundaries. What are the things in your friendships and romantic relationships that you feel you most need to improve?
March 21: (mmmmurgle) You've talked before about asking questions being a skill, one that you're very skilled at. How would you coach someone through developing that skill? (I'm trying to get better, but it still feels so foreign and hard for me.)
March 22: (Lydia) How do you handle choosing between remaining in a relationship for fear of being alone or embracing your independence even if it means being alone for the rest of your natural life?
March 23: (Topaz) If you could select three instruments (voice can be one if desired), any instruments, to be able to perfectly and masterfully play, which would you pick and why?
March 24: (darkestgarden) since you mentioned wanting multiple tattoos in your march 4th post, could you tell us what the possibilities are, how you chose them, and what they mean to you?
March 25: being intersex/trans
March 26: (sabr) The eve of my most lucrative photography event of the year, the Red Barn Run. Tell me about what you would do for a career if you could do anything?
March 27: (sabr) This is Scarlette (my unicorn)'s purchase anniversary. She is the most sacred connection I have on this earth. Tell me about the most prized possession you have.
March 28: (kmiotutsie) what is your relationship with money? Do you have any wealth/ money metaphors or ways of thinking about money that are distinct to you? I do, and I'm recently curious about other people's relationships with money.
March 29: (darkestgarden) talk to us about some of your favorite characters from creative media and why they resonate with you.
March 30: (prosphoros) how I do energy work.
March 31: (Camellia) gender identity stuff

volamonster prompted me: What physical objects do you own that have deep sentiment attached to them? Can you tell us some stories about them, and/or how you feel about them and why?

Many, many. They almost all fit into two small boxes though, because they are all small things or flat things.

( rather large photo )

This is a photo of my sanctuary. This is where I do magic, meditate, feel like I have stepped inside a bubble of myself. Every single thing you see here has spiritual significance to me. The twisted-paper tree on the top right I made myself, as well as the keys winddancer and the sistrum right below it. The four works of art you can actually see are all original -- the top left one is the thing that cost me the most in this photo. I fell in love with it at a coffeeshop in Charleston (when I went there for a TreeSpirit shoot) and the coffeeshop owner talked the artist down from $110 to $45, and even though that was more than I really had, I bought it. The top right one is an original from an artist in Canada, who I had followed for a while on deviantArt. When I saw this one I went wild and asked how much it would be because I was dying for it, and ze said $50. I told zir I was sad because I couldn't afford even that low price, and asked about prints. Ze told me to give zir my address, and framed it and shipped it to me for FREE. And I know that shipping isn't cheap! I was so overwhelmed and touched by that. Ze said ze knew it would have a great home with me and that is true. It has been next to my altar since. The painting on papyrus underneath that is by my friend jenniology, who shares my veneration of ancient Egypt. Ze gave it to me for my birthday one year and I kept it put away because I didn't have a frame, but then I got frustrated with waiting and just hung it with thumbtacks, because I wanted to be able to see it. The same is true for the charcoal next to it, a portrait of me by clown_frog done from a self-portrait I took, also gifted. Underneath that is the Book of the Dead gifted to me by another lj friend who I've lost touch with. Next to that is a clouded leopard that was shioneh's as a child, which ze gifted to me for my birthday one year, and a little snow leopard kitten that Snow Leopard Trust sent me as thanks for a donation. On the windowsill is a solar-powered rainbow-light glass lantern that rextrocular gave me, a candle in a glass jar that my childhood friend Rebecca gave me, and a luck tree that grey_arizona gave me. Above that are ornaments that kmiotutsie gave me, and a windchime that topaznebula gave me (they're blown out in the photo, sadly). If you look hard you can see a pendant hanging from my altar that volamonster gave me, and you probably can't make them out but gifts from camilleyun (a glass angel holding a star), frecklestars (mini glass vessels), darkpool (a rock painted black with green dragonflies) and secret_keep (a super colorful painting of a building with a spring green tree) are also there. The glowy rainbow stars on the floor are also from rextrocular. There are other gifts too! As you may be able to tell, I treasure things that are given to me with knowledge of who I am. Glass matters to me because I feel it as magic I can hold in my hand. Trees are deeply important to me, as is color and light, Egypt and art.

So, things that I obtained for myself would make up a whole post to itself, which I may do sometime when I take better photos of individual sections. But out of all of these things, probably the ones that matter most to me are found objects. I have a small piece of sea glass, aqua-colored, which I found on the beach while I was questioning the presence of good in the universe after Hannah and Nick broke up with me. It was the first and only colored sea glass I have ever found, and I felt it as a gift from the universe telling me to have faith in love. An equally important piece is a shard of wood I took from the corpses of the "lover trees" who I spent so much time with in Pennsylvania before they were ruthlessly chopped down for no good reason. Also a bit of mirror and two gears I found on the ground the night that Kylei and I first sought magic together. Things that connect me to people, to moments, to places and to spirits are sacred to me. I own other things, but 98% of the things I would mourn to lose are in this small space.

sabr gave me this prompt for March 12: This is my horse, TC Nighthawk's birthday. I have a close relationship with him, and we are very close in age - I want to know more about your connection with animals, and where they fit in/shape/improve your life. Tell me about an important connection you have to any particular animal, past or present!

I like this prompt (sorry about it not being on the right day!); I want to tell the story of my relationship with Kanika, because it is certainly an important connection.

I got Kanika as a kitten of about 2 months old, nine years ago. When I met zir, I knew ze was mine when I held zir on zir back in my hands and looked at zir little face, and ze just lay there calmly and made eye contact with me for a minute. Now if you've met Kanika, this should blow your mind; ze doesn't like being held, and would never tolerate being on zir back and not fighting. I think it was just that ze was distracted with my gaze. Ze was a squirmy little thing and a wild teenager; my ex-partner who lived with me then thought ze would never listen to anything. But I'm a very patient person, and I knew that repetition was the key; now I can ask zir to move and ze will, unless ze's feeling threatened, and ze waits patiently when being fed instead of shoving zir face in the way.

When very young ze did like to be held; this changed when ze was sitting on my lap one day and I was petting zir during an argument with my then-partner, who slapped Kanika out of my hand and across the room out of anger at me. (if not for the fact that my ex then cried for literal hours and my belief at the time that marriage meant forever, that would have been the end of our time together. ze never did anything like that again) I was terrified but Kanika was unharmed physically; however ze does not trust people. It was that trust-breaking moment that was the reason ze doesn't like being picked up and rejected it entirely for years. I believe in respecting the wishes of other beings, so I will pick Kanika up when ze is being friendly, but as soon as ze meows I put zir down. Sometimes ze meows as soon as zir feet leave the floor, sometimes it's a while later, sometimes ze doesn't meow at all but I can tell ze is done and wants to be put down and I do it without zir asking. Ze sometimes likes to be hugged loosely and petted when ze's sitting on my desk right at waist level, and when ze wants to do that ze will come over and put front paws on my leg and meow (if ze's being polite) or just jump up (when I usually give a quick pet and hug and then put zir back on the floor). Ze sleeps at my feet a lot when I am at my computer, and always comes to lay on me for a minute when I first get in bed.

( photos and videos, apologies for poor quality on most of them )

Kanika has bonded with people I've lived with, to the point that when I didn't have a good place for Kanika ze lived with Arizona and I would have left zir there. I would not miss Kanika very much if I knew ze was in a safe space where ze felt cared for. Ze's not my baby, ze's more like a sibling (with pretty intense social anxiety). I love zir but we don't have the bond I had with my other cats. Maybe this will change over time, as ze seems to be getting more relaxed, but I still have to be on guard with zir. We've never reached a place where I can just trust zir to not lash out (though I can trust zir not to cause damage, but the lashing out feels like a slap to the face and it takes a while to calm down from). I feel deep understanding of why ze does things, so I don't resent them, but they keep us distant.

I think another reason Kanika is anxious is that in the early days of me having zir, I was working through childhood sexual abuse and was in a state of terror pretty often, and Kanika is very empathetic. I couldn't leave the house alone and if the apartment yard maintenance people came by I ran into my room and hid (holding an axe no less), and Kanika ran with me. I think this taught zir some fear of strangers. Ze still gets really freaked out if someone knocks, leaps up and looks scared like I used to when strangers would come around. Ze's still anxious around people but it is much lessened now that there are no other cats or people living with us; ze can even hang out when there are guests without freaking out.

Kanika's sensitivity to energy also means that if someone touches zir -- or reaches to touch zir -- who has bouncy energy, ze reacts as if that person literally bounced a rubber ball on zir. And even with me there are a limit to the amount of strokes ze can handle before being overstimulated. It also means that sometimes when I'm sick or in pain (physical or emotional), ze comes and kneads me, rubs on me, tolerates more holding than usual. When I'm doing magic, ze comes and sits within the energy of it, or climbs on top of things (when I'm crafting this is not as true, so I feel sure it's the energy of it and not the mere activity of it). So despite not feeling very close in some ways, I feel like we do have an important connection. I value zir company and love zir in all zir anxious, cranky, clever, playful, beautiful, sensitive glory.

kmiotutsie gave me this prompt: Your relationship with astrology: you like to know sun/moon/rising, but do you know lots about your own natal chart, and what the other planets indicate, and are you interested in that?

I don't really know much about astrology. I know that I tend to interact with people in patterns that go along with sun signs. Capricorns I have strong mind connections with and often giant fights with: they're fuckin stubborn. Aquarians I love, irrationally much, and almost always feel really in-tune with: they're super idealistic (and if they have a fire moon, that's in a make-it-happen way). I don't think I've ever met an Aquarius I didn't love. Pisces are often very important to me but they're way more gentle and family-focused. Aries I fuckin adore for the explosive energy they bring, they energize me more than anyone else. Taurus folk were most of my friends when I was young but now are almost absent from my life and I don't tend to get along with them. I've only known one Gemini and we communicate brilliantly, I feel. Cancers I tend to have strong heart connections with, and Leos I find fun and relaxing to be around: they're easy to please. Virgos I admire for their creativity and toughness. Libras I tend to not get along with because I can't or won't live up to their standards. I resonate strongly with the Scorpios I know but have only gotten close to one, despite efforts with others; we tend to share a similar way of seeing emotions. Sagittariuses I either am extremely resonant with or extremely not, and almost all of the ones I know I've had fall-outs with in some way.

So I look at the sun signs as a way to predict how the connection will go. If someone is an aquarius sun (especially with a fire moon), aries sun, or leo sun, or if someone has gemini rising, we are likely to get on well. I don't usually ask what people's signs are or think about it though, I just look at the patterns. For a little while I was dating three leos. Before that I dated two aquariuses. I dunno if it has any meaning, but patterns please me so I look for them. I don't look for guidance because I don't want to know the future. If it's gonna be shit, I don't want to be dreading it. If it's gonna be great, I don't want to be wishing the time away until then. So I don't use anything to try and see the future, except sometimes vaguely for a sense of vision, and I only check it if it comes to me. Example: someone shares that the current configuration of the stars is good for creativity, so I invest in building that with more gusto than usual. Or someone shares that it's a bad time to be starting new relationships so I add more caution there.

a 'jayus' is "a joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh.”

I love these. They're probably my favorite kind of joke, especially if there's poop or farts involved. My friend Adi would sometimes randomly, in a high-pitched over-the-top "I'm being adorable" tone, squat slightly and say "poops!" and I always laughed. My friend Kylei would make the most painfully obvious puns and I would groan, and then laugh. My lover Topaz and I ate some old eggs and had the worst farts in the history of life, and I think we laughed more that night than any other night (in between burying our faces in pillows). But by far the best of all is "the badkidsjokes tumblr." I'll laugh until I cry at that one. Here are some of my favorites:

What Smells Bad And Putts People To Sleep
Uh…Tear Gas
NO. Your bottem

There were three guys on a plane.
One bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. He threw it out the window.
The second guy bit into a rock.

what do you call peach that has a line on it?
butt fruit

why shoudnt you go to the fridge without permition
because it will come for its revenge

how did the man clibed the ifful towoer
becase his butt was on fire

why did the poo cross the road
becuse he needed to find a toilit so he did not have a baby poo in public

man: you are evil
other man: i am not
man:yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
yes
no
[both mans die]

Q:why did the monkey fall out the tree
A:because it was DEAD

and absurd misreads like this one absolutely slay me.

(for LJ Idol topic 1: Jayus)

prompt from rmpenguino: How do you show your love for others? Does that influence how you receive love?

How I express love varies a lot. The ways that come easiest for me are ways that feel good to me, such as:
- showing curiosity about the person by urging them to share, asking questions, and taking in what they say.
- responding to their sharing with openness of my own (this is easier in writing, but I'm working on getting better in-person).
- giving unprompted, loving, present touch (with consent) that asks for nothing in return.
- initiating making plans to spend time with them.
- actually spending time with them.
- watching, noticing and expressing appreciation of their idiosyncrasies/uniqueness, such as their turn of phrase, or how they dress, or how they yawn, or how they laugh, their skills and talents, etc.
- taking photos of them: I often try to capture the aspects that I love so that I can show them and they can see a side of themselves they might not have seen otherwise. It's also just a way that says "I don't want to lose the memory of you" because without photos or writing I lose most memories.
- writing about them: the same "I want to remember you" sentiment, with some "I am proud to know you" also.
- creating/finding gifts that express "I know you and I care for you and I connect with you."
- acts of service: things that are difficult or unpleasant for me that will matter to the person, such as doing their dishes/laundry/etc, driving to see them, talking to them real-time without a planned conversation, making them food or coffee, or anything that doesn't come naturally to me but makes them feel loved. This one depends on how much energy I have to spare.

Does that influence how you receive love?
No, it's more that how I prefer to receive love is how I know to give love: if it's not something I would want, I have to work hard to understand it and get skill at giving it. I definitely want people to show me love in the ways that I show love, but I am willing (though not always able) to show love in ways that are not natural for me (see 'acts of service'). I can intellectually appreciate it when someone shows me love in a way that doesn't make me feel loved, but I can only feel meta-loved by it, like if you hear second-hand that someone said they love you; it is diluted.

from justben: What is your favorite thing about the place you're living today [Wishwood]? What is the hardest part for you?
My favorite things are 1) all the alone time I want, never interruptions, yay! that's number one. 2) Kanika is so happy to have few humans! way more calm and pleasant. 3) plenty of space for crafty parties 4) dishes that are dirtied by someone other than me are pretty rare. 5) LAND: I can plant things and garden! 6) TREES: my house is nestled in a little valley with tall trees all around and at night I can hear them rustle because it's so quiet 7) spare rooms: I haven't had many sleepovers or people crashing but it's so wonderful to be able to offer people a bed if they need/want. 8) the layout of my bedroom is perfect for me -- tons of light and a little nook just right for my sanctuary/altar, plus a ceiling fan, plus my desk fits perfectly in its corner and my bed fits perfectly in its corner and my memories box and letters case fits perfectly in another nook. When I have it tidy next I'll take photos. 9) I can use the giant basement room as a studio 10) it has a fireplace 11) it has a covered front porch 12) it has a back porch secluded enough that I can go out there naked 13) I get to decorate and organize everything however I want it.
The hardest part is the location. It's 20 minutes to anywhere useful and 50 minutes to the city and even longer to friends' houses in the city. This means that going out is more difficult to arrange and motivate for, and people are less likely to visit. Ideally I'd have company at least every other week; I really like spending time with people in my space, but when it is such an investment of time and gas money I know most people can't do it.

from topaznebula: Summarize/describe your relationship with Xena Warrior Princess, and why you like it, and why it's important to you.
I'm now on my 5th cycle of watching Xena. I came to it late, having not had TV for any part of my life -- I think I watched it for the first time about six years ago. It's hands-down my favorite show of all time. Before watching it I remember hearing lesbian buzz and being annoyed, because not every friendship is about sex, and it's totally possible to have a non-sexual super-intimate friendship. But then I saw it, with all the innuendo and kisses and love-confessions and agreed -- it's a queer love story. A queer poly love story, even (they're vulva-monogamous but sleep with men without it really impacting their relationship). It passes the bechdel test with flying colors and it includes a trans woman with RESPECT which frankly I have never seen done on a TV show (unless I'm forgetting something, but I think I'd remember) -- only a side character but still, wonderful. It includes a variety of races (more than most tv shows). It has its problems, messing with various mythologies (to what levels of inaccuracy I do not know) but better than other US shows, I'd say. At the end of one episode there is a sidebar where they explain that their referencing to the Hindu faith was intended with respect, which makes me think that maybe they failed on the respect and got called to task, I dunno. I really like what they did with the Christian myths and with ancient Greek deities. I really love the complexity of magics Xena uses. I love Gabrielle's character development; from brave but naive and helpless to understanding, independent, and powerful.

I can identify really strongly with Xena (and Gabrielle, but differently and not as much because Gabrielle is way sweeter than me (oh and Callisto too)). Had I been put in Xena's shoes I feel like I would have followed the same path. Minus the flashbacks, the series is about Xena learning to feel and to show love, to be vulnerable and not hide behind a sword OR put the sword away because zir resistance to evil was 'too militant' for most 'good' people. I did the same, more slowly, because I didn't find Gabrielle until long after I started trying to do that. But the biggest reason it is important to me is that it is a positive love story about two women, working through shit in a real relationship, and neither gets murdered by the writer or flakes out to be hetero (at least, not for good). Queers don't get happy endings on screen! they don't get to deal with stuff like "trust me to take care of myself" or "trust me to still love you while I also fall in love with others" or "your dreams are more important than us being together right now" because all they get to deal with is being out (or not) and how society reacts to them. I'm fucking sick of that narrative. If I never watch another "gay girl falls for seemingly-straight girl, angst sex (male-gaze) sex angst, gay girl gets murdered or dumped" film again it will be too soon.

from rmpenguino: What makes you unique? How different is your perception of yourself versus what you end up being?
Nothing? everything? One thing that makes me unique is how I value imperfection: I can see when things need to change, and work to change them, without needing to strive for perfection or reject everything but the best. I can, for instance, work to reduce waste without feeling guilty when I don't live up to that. Unbalanced sense of human responsibility would be saying stuff like "well I can't fix the whole world so I'm just going to throw my cigarette butt or water bottle on the ground with these others." I think that comes from fear of self-loathing; they do not want to commit to a value that they cannot do perfectly because they would hate themselves for failing. I am okay with failure; it is the effort that matters to me. I don't ask "what would fix this?" I ask "how can I make this better?" (I was thinking that imperfection is a core value of mine and yep, I'm just went and added that) I don't think my perception of myself is very different from reality; at least, people who know me well don't describe me as different than I see myself. I think that I differ from many people's perceptions but that this is a result of them seeing me wrong. People think I am more prickly and angry and less forgiving than I am. People think I am more judgmental than I am (I have the skill of withholding judgment and asking first, to find out from that person if how I feel is right or not). People think I am less social than I am (I think this is mainly because they don't see me socialize in the same ways). People also think I'm 'feminine' and 'sweet' and into peace, which is waaaaay untrue. I value creative conflict, not peace -- peace is an illusion that cannot exist in a world of change, so all you can do is make better things with conflict. People think I am a better person than I am, because they don't understand how often I fuck up. I have a clear vision and dedicated values, but I do not live up to ANY of them perfectly or even near-perfectly.