For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

For a while, whenever Sylvia (my car) needed oil or something was wrong, ze would put on the emergency brake light (and it would go off when I fixed whatever the issue was), and then a few months ago the emergency brake stuck always on. I figured it was just broken -- but I got my car back from the shop today and the light was off, and as I drove home I realized that ze had been riding rough for about as long as the light had been stuck on. I'm sure there is a 'rational explanation' but fuck that shit, my car is awesome and talks to me. And is now happy and healthy with a new distributor and oh-so-pretty new spark plug wires :D ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDD I HAVE A HANDLE ON THE DRIVER'S DOOR for the first time in I don't know how long. It's candy-apple red and even though I've been wanting to paint the car violet I may have to go with that shade because it SO suits Sylvia's personality, the spitfire. Oh I love my car!

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

This is two sets of photos -- the first was taken when I went to Big Trees Forest Preserve alone on the 1st, and the second was taken on the 25th when I visited with Ben for the first time. The first set is small, mostly self-portraits, and pales in comparison to the second but I edited them so I'm sharing them anyway, dammit.



( solo visit on the 1st )

Going to Big Trees with Ben was a revelation. As we walked through, we were together, but loosely; ze was comfortable with me wandering off a bit and also wandered a bit zirself, and even when physically separated there was a strong sense of connection. When sharing a sacred space with someone previously, I've had two experiences -- either I am 'leading' and they're sort of reliant on me to open the way for them, or they have a separate experience in the same space. I've never felt that sort of open and free connection before and it's amazing!

But the most thrilling and beautiful part was that I saw it all with a depth that I hadn't before. Ze noticed things I didn't and shared them with me! (usually the other either doesn't share, or doesn't notice things I haven't (or both)) I love that so much! It was so incredibly inspiring for me both emotionally and creatively; this set of photos is BY FAR my best, and quite a few of my favorites were of things that Ben pointed out to me. I'm delighted with how ze sees (and even more with how ze shares) ♥




( Oct 25th visit with Ben ♥ )

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

I am so deeply grateful to have found people who live nearby whom I connect with and who are honest and open and loving and complex ♥ This is something I've yearned for for so many years and I can't even express the intensity of my gratitude for each person. Ash & Viv & Ben & Shel & Saleena & Nicole and and and... I mean, most of the friendships are still in beginning stages but there's already that sense of belonging -- the only time I've ever felt anything like this before was when I was living with the Wynnes and they made me part of the family, and even that wasn't this amazing. It feels like home. It makes me feel safe without feeling bound. It makes me free to be more fully myself.

I just looked back through my LJ to see the timeline on this... ( affirmations I've used and how/when they've worked )

And you know, I first started 'affirming' a local group of friends in March of 2008, but shortly after I began using that affirmation I fell in love with Hannah and Aurilion and stopped saying the affirmation because I felt that I had all the wonder I could handle. And then it seems I forgot about it or lost faith in it and didn't start again until the beginning of 2009, when I decided what the hell, it couldn't hurt. I want to remind myself that this fucking WORKS. I don't care how -- if it's just that it helps me to focus and pay attention more and discover what would have been there anyway, that's magic enough for me. But I believe that gratitude mixed with intention and focus opens up possibility that would not have otherwise existed. Especially since Ash has been affirming unlikely things and having them happen -- it's just as amazing to see it happen in someone else's life.

Words are so powerful. What I say, I hear. What I hear over and over, I believe. What I believe, I live.

I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music by justben. Then I went to Viv's :D

( a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.

I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music by justben. Then I went to Viv's :D

( a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.

I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music. Then I went to Viv's :D

( a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.

Seeing Full Radius Dance (with Shel and Ryan and Shel's friend Amber) was just... earthshatteringly amazing. The first performance they did was "Home," a brand new creation exploring the meaning of home. That was wonderful -- I welled up a few times from the sheer beauty of it. It was so complex that I REALLY want to see it again to understand it more. And THEN they performed "Sacred," a piece on "the inviolability of nature, of religious experience, and of human touch" -- now that made me weep to the point of sobbing! Oh my God/dess, I've never seen anything so beautiful. So much passion! so much intensity! so much tenderness! Truly, honestly, the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed. And it didn't even feel like witnessing. The dancers were so vibrant that I felt a part of what they were weaving even from where I sat! They finished off with "Passione," which was very exciting and intricate, with feats of strength and agility that made me gasp.

I'm so incredibly awed and deeply humbled that I got the chance to witness this. It feels like I should have had to pay more or wait in huge long lines or something, because this is truly spectacular -- I feel like I went for a walk and accidentally walked through a portal into a faery world. I expected it to be lovely, but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly magical!

And you know, I was a little worried that integrating dancers who use wheelchairs would be used as a sort of gimmick, or that they'd be the background dancers, but it absolutely was NOT. Instead, the wheelchairs were used like skates in figure skating -- to create entirely new ways of moving -- and the choreography balanced the wheeled dancers with the non-wheeled perfectly. All of the dancing spoke to me of embracing differences and working WITH them rather than trying to eliminate them. Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I didn't get any good photos or videos, partly because of the lighting and partly because I just couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the stage. I was too busy experiencing it to observe it. But here's a video someone else made: ( Full Radius Dance: Excerpts from 'Passione' )

If you live anywhere near here and you have $15, go see it today (Sat, 6th) at 2pm or 8pm at 7 Stages Theatre. If you have plans, change them -- it's worth it.

Seeing Full Radius Dance (with Shel and Ryan and Shel's friend Amber) was just... earthshatteringly amazing. The first performance they did was "Home," a brand new creation exploring the meaning of home. That was wonderful -- I welled up a few times from the sheer beauty of it. It was so complex that I REALLY want to see it again to understand it more. And THEN they performed "Sacred," a piece on "the inviolability of nature, of religious experience, and of human touch" -- now that made me weep to the point of sobbing! Oh my God/dess, I've never seen anything so beautiful. So much passion! so much intensity! so much tenderness! Truly, honestly, the most beautiful creation I have ever witnessed. And it didn't even feel like witnessing. The dancers were so vibrant that I felt a part of what they were weaving even from where I sat! They finished off with "Passione," which was very exciting and intricate, with feats of strength and agility that made me gasp.

I'm so incredibly awed and deeply humbled that I got the chance to witness this. It feels like I should have had to pay more or wait in huge long lines or something, because this is truly spectacular -- I feel like I went for a walk and accidentally walked through a portal into a faery world. I expected it to be lovely, but I didn't expect it to be so overwhelmingly magical!

And you know, I was a little worried that integrating dancers who use wheelchairs would be used as a sort of gimmick, or that they'd be the background dancers, but it absolutely was NOT. Instead, the wheelchairs were used like skates in figure skating -- to create entirely new ways of moving -- and the choreography balanced the wheeled dancers with the non-wheeled perfectly. All of the dancing spoke to me of embracing differences and working WITH them rather than trying to eliminate them. Is there anything more beautiful than that?

I didn't get any good photos or videos, partly because of the lighting and partly because I just couldn't bear to tear my eyes away from the stage. I was too busy experiencing it to observe it. But here's a video someone else made: ( Full Radius Dance: Excerpts from 'Passione' )

If you live anywhere near here and you have $15, go see it today (Sat, 6th) at 2pm or 8pm at 7 Stages Theatre. If you have plans, change them -- it's worth it.

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

Last Saturday I had quite possibly the most amazing night of my life -- top five for sure. I experienced my first drum circle! I've never felt anything like it -- from the very beginning I was thrilled and it just kept getting better and better the whole time! There was such a sense of unity and openness. We were creating something together without anyone leading -- that is the essence of my faith. Being there was a transformative and deeply spiritual experience for me. I've never felt so alive and in love with life! I wanted to hug everyone, and I felt like I was hugging everyone. I CANNOT wait to have my own drum -- or even to bring a pot to bang my feet on!

I brought Ialu and I'm glad I did, but next time I intend to leave zir at home -- it's too dark to get any really good photos and my worries about zir (damage from the heat or vibrations, theft) kept me from fully entering in. Even so, it was SO INCREDIBLE. I thumped my feet on the ground and my hands on my legs, danced with hands and shoulders and waist (while sitting because I didn't want to leave my camera or jounce zir around). Oh... it was so amazing!

replete with rhythm
concerns thumped into the earth
glowing; connected



( photos (mostly fuzzy and dark but there you go!) )

( I was at a fair with a group of friends )

This dream is so encouraging for me ♥

( I was at a fair with a group of friends )

This dream is so encouraging for me ♥

Ma Deva Padma
(contemporary)

The art of Padma (zir legal name is Susan Ostapkowicz but since ze signs zir artwork with Padma I assume it is zir preferred name) absolutely blows my mind... it is the energy of the artwork itself that I feel in each card. Each one was created with such focus and love... they just GLOW. And they are so full of color ♥ Sadly, this deck is the only work ze has done in this style (as far as I can tell), but there are 79 paintings in this deck. I do think I will be doing more readings at some point, and I will include photos then too. (there were a surprising number of repeat appearances in these 8 readings! I suppose some of the cards are more eager to speak than others ;-))

I did these in a 4-card spread I made up -- past, present, future, and vision. (I like it quite a lot!) Now before you read your message I want to say that I believe a VERY important part of receiving any sort of spiritual message is checking with your own spirit to see if it resonates. If it feels wrong to you, then assume some mistake or misinterpretation on my part, I promise you I will not be the SLIGHTEST bit offended or upset. I'm just learning, so your honesty will be really helpful (as it always is of course, heh). If it resonates, take it to heart and let me know -- if it jars, throw it right out and let me know.



( photos of cards + readings )

Ma Deva Padma
(contemporary)

The art of Padma (zir legal name is Susan Ostapkowicz but since ze signs zir artwork with Padma I assume it is zir preferred name) absolutely blows my mind... it is the energy of the artwork itself that I feel in each card. Each one was created with such focus and love... they just GLOW. And they are so full of color ♥ Sadly, this deck is the only work ze has done in this style (as far as I can tell), but there are 79 paintings in this deck. I do think I will be doing more readings at some point, and I will include photos then too. (there were a surprising number of repeat appearances in these 8 readings! I suppose some of the cards are more eager to speak than others ;-))

I did these in a 4-card spread I made up -- past, present, future, and vision. (I like it quite a lot!) Now before you read your message I want to say that I believe a VERY important part of receiving any sort of spiritual message is checking with your own spirit to see if it resonates. If it feels wrong to you, then assume some mistake or misinterpretation on my part, I promise you I will not be the SLIGHTEST bit offended or upset. I'm just learning, so your honesty will be really helpful (as it always is of course, heh). If it resonates, take it to heart and let me know -- if it jars, throw it right out and let me know.



( photos of cards + readings )

Ma Deva Padma

The art of Padma (zir legal name is Susan Ostapkowicz but since ze signs zir artwork with Padma I assume it is zir preferred name) absolutely blows my mind... it is the energy of the artwork itself that I feel in each card. Each one was created with such focus and love... they just GLOW. And they are so full of color ♥ Sadly, this deck is the only work ze has done in this style (as far as I can tell), but there are 79 paintings in this deck. I do think I will be doing more readings at some point, and I will include photos then too. (there were a surprising number of repeat appearances in these 8 readings! I suppose some of the cards are more eager to speak than others ;-))

I did these in a 4-card spread I made up -- past, present, future, and vision. (I like it quite a lot!) Now before you read your message I want to say that I believe a VERY important part of receiving any sort of spiritual message is checking with your own spirit to see if it resonates. If it feels wrong to you, then assume some mistake or misinterpretation on my part, I promise you I will not be the SLIGHTEST bit offended or upset. I'm just learning, so your honesty will be really helpful (as it always is of course, heh). If it resonates, take it to heart and let me know -- if it jars, throw it right out and let me know.



( photos of cards + readings )

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.

On my spiritual birthday, the third day of my communication fast, I went to the Big Trees Forest Preserve. I'd never explored there alone before -- always with either Ben or Aurilion -- and exploring alone was an intense experience. More than ever before, I was able to connect with the forest, live it, feel it, breathe it. I felt so deeply welcomed and myself.

Also, I've never liked fall because any weather that requires sleeves is entirely too cold for me, and fall only promises colder and darker times to come. But this visit just made me fall in love with autumn... the riot of colors! It had just rained (was sprinkling throughout my visit, actually) and so the bark was dark with moisture and all the dead leaves had fallen, leaving only the brightest colors against the dark trunks and branches... amazing. I took half a billion photos and managed to pare it down to a little over 30.



( gloriously color-drenched photos )

At the very end of the visit, just as I was heading out to the car, I saw and felt the heartbeat of the forest. It was this incredible rainbow, swirling and pulsing at the same time. I don't know how I knew what to call it, but I just knew what it was, without hesitation... and I saw it just as I was leaving my friend pine (whose name I still haven't discovered), so I think it was my friend who opened me to it. The first time I met this pine, I was on my way out, walking along saying "I love you" to various trees, and when I said it to this one ze said (not in an audible way) "Hey! You can't just say that and walk off without giving me a chance to respond!" I stopped in my tracks, stood stunned for a second, and then laughed and walked back to the tree. I hugged zir and listened as ze told me how ze was happy to connect with me, that it made zir sad that so many walked by and ignored zir. I promised to come back again and left, because dark was falling. This time, again I did not go to the tree until I was just about to leave.

From this I realized that I still have such a habit of choking off experiences when they begin to make themselves known to me. Instead of allowing myself to fall fully into the experience, I jump away mentally and distract myself. I think this is why I only have these experiences when 1) I'm very upset, so my guards are down; 2) when some outside force is about to stop the experience anyway (such as when I am leaving the forest); or 3) when I'm sharing the experience with Aurilion. It's wonderful that I can do it at those times but I want to learn to open up to these experiences at all times. I think maybe I have a fear that I will somehow get trapped in another world and be unable to 'get back' although I'm not really sure what that means.

After realizing this I prayed/meditated and asked for a guide to make zirself known to me. Two nights later I had a dream about Geb! I can't remember it clearly (it went away almost as soon as I woke) but I remember clearly the sense I got of Geb's personality, VERY playful and teasing, mischievous, wild. I remember zir laughing, and waking up with the phrase "the great cackler" in my head. I never would have expected zir to be one of my deities but I am delighted! And I really cannot wait to learn from zir. So far that strange fear has kept me from reaching out, but I will overcome it.

Aurilion and I went to Phoenix and Dragon (a metaphysical shop and bookstore), and on the way there we passed a small sign on the far side of the road that said "Big Trees Forest Preserve." It's really quite miraculous that we even noticed it -- I believe it called to us. We both noticed and exclaimed at the same time, and decided that we would stop there on our way back.

While at Phoenix and Dragon, Aurilion found a figurine of Bastet, a Deity who had called zir earlier this visit. Witnessing that calling was such an amazing experience! I sensed something happening and sat next to Aurilion, feeling a warm golden energy slowly blossom around us. Neither of us said much, just sat together feeling this presence, and I 'heard' Bastet's name so clearly and with such power. I am always hesitant to speak that which might be someone else's sacred truth, but this was so clear I had no doubt. I still had to work myself up to saying what I had heard though ;-) Aurilion instantly confirmed that ze had heard the same name (in the stronger form, Bast) and, filled with delight, received a message from Bast. Right after, I painted Aurilion with golden dust and gave zir the magic vial I had created for zir. Ze wrote of the beautiful spiritual experiences then and at Phoenix and Dragon. I was so honored to be witness, and to feel the magic of it. ♥

We both got stones -- I got stones for two of my Deities and various stones to represent the spirit, heart, and soul of Nimajn and Aurilion. (I may photograph my sanctuary/altar and share it here; if I do I'll explain the stones) We brought them along when we started walking the trail, because I had had the idea that we could cleanse them with the dirt at the roots of a tree that called to us; but it turned out there was an even better opportunity waiting for us.

(I have Named some of the trees we met -- not explaining more just now because I'm conceiving a post on the significance of names/naming in my life)



( many many beautiful, magical photos )

It was so beautifully and lovingly kept. Created in such a way as to honor nature's design, rather than impose a new design and destroy the old... the signposts were mostly recovered wood from fallen logs & such, the bridges were constructed of the least material possible in order to blend in, rather than grab attention... the paths were mulched rather than paved (and some simply packed dirt), surely harder to upkeep but so much more natural and comfortable. I didn't see a speck of litter. I could FEEL the love put into the preserve. I would really love to meet the caretaker(s). And I can't wait to go back and explore more (we didn't go far because we were taking everything in so deeply). And this, THIS, surrounded by industrial, bustling city! Safe, forever, thanks to the reverence and generosity of one person.

Truly the most magical place I have ever been; such a beautiful example of people working with and honoring nature. ♥ ♥ ♥

Aurilion and I went to Phoenix and Dragon (a metaphysical shop and bookstore), and on the way there we passed a small sign on the far side of the road that said "Big Trees Forest Preserve." It's really quite miraculous that we even noticed it -- I believe it called to us. We both noticed and exclaimed at the same time, and decided that we would stop there on our way back.

While at Phoenix and Dragon, Aurilion found a figurine of Bastet, a Deity who had called zir earlier this visit. Witnessing that calling was such an amazing experience! I sensed something happening and sat next to Aurilion, feeling a warm golden energy slowly blossom around us. Neither of us said much, just sat together feeling this presence, and I 'heard' Bastet's name so clearly and with such power. I am always hesitant to speak that which might be someone else's sacred truth, but this was so clear I had no doubt. I still had to work myself up to saying what I had heard though ;-) Aurilion instantly confirmed that ze had heard the same name (in the stronger form, Bast) and, filled with delight, received a message from Bast. Right after, I painted Aurilion with golden dust and gave zir the magic vial I had created for zir. Ze wrote of the beautiful spiritual experiences then and at Phoenix and Dragon. I was so honored to be witness, and to feel the magic of it. ♥

We both got stones -- I got stones for two of my Deities and various stones to represent the spirit, heart, and soul of Nimajn and Aurilion. (I may photograph my sanctuary/altar and share it here; if I do I'll explain the stones) We brought them along when we started walking the trail, because I had had the idea that we could cleanse them with the dirt at the roots of a tree that called to us; but it turned out there was an even better opportunity waiting for us.

(I have Named some of the trees we met -- not explaining more just now because I'm conceiving a post on the significance of names/naming in my life)



( many many beautiful, magical photos )

It was so beautifully and lovingly kept. Created in such a way as to honor nature's design, rather than impose a new design and destroy the old... the signposts were mostly recovered wood from fallen logs & such, the bridges were constructed of the least material possible in order to blend in, rather than grab attention... the paths were mulched rather than paved (and some simply packed dirt), surely harder to upkeep but so much more natural and comfortable. I didn't see a speck of litter. I could FEEL the love put into the preserve. I would really love to meet the caretaker(s). And I can't wait to go back and explore more (we didn't go far because we were taking everything in so deeply). And this, THIS, surrounded by industrial, bustling city! Safe, forever, thanks to the reverence and generosity of one person.

Truly the most magical place I have ever been; such a beautiful example of people working with and honoring nature. ♥ ♥ ♥

Aurilion and I went to Phoenix and Dragon (a metaphysical shop and bookstore), and on the way there we passed a small sign on the far side of the road that said "Big Trees Forest Preserve." It's really quite miraculous that we even noticed it -- I believe it called to us. We both noticed and exclaimed at the same time, and decided that we would stop there on our way back.

While at Phoenix and Dragon, Aurilion found a figurine of Bastet, a Deity who had called zir earlier this visit. Witnessing that calling was such an amazing experience! I sensed something happening and sat next to Aurilion, feeling a warm golden energy slowly blossom around us. Neither of us said much, just sat together feeling this presence, and I 'heard' Bastet's name so clearly and with such power. I am always hesitant to speak that which might be someone else's sacred truth, but this was so clear I had no doubt. I still had to work myself up to saying what I had heard though ;-) Aurilion instantly confirmed that ze had heard the same name (in the stronger form, Bast) and, filled with delight, received a message from Bast. Right after, I painted Aurilion with golden dust and gave zir the magic vial I had created for zir. Ze wrote of the beautiful spiritual experiences then and at Phoenix and Dragon. I was so honored to be witness, and to feel the magic of it. ♥

We both got stones -- I got stones for two of my Deities and various stones to represent the spirit, heart, and soul of Nimajn and Aurilion. (I may photograph my sanctuary/altar and share it here; if I do I'll explain the stones) We brought them along when we started walking the trail, because I had had the idea that we could cleanse them with the dirt at the roots of a tree that called to us; but it turned out there was an even better opportunity waiting for us.

(I have Named some of the trees we met -- not explaining more just now because I'm conceiving a post on the significance of names/naming in my life)



( many many beautiful, magical photos )

It was so beautifully and lovingly kept. Created in such a way as to honor nature's design, rather than impose a new design and destroy the old... the signposts were mostly recovered wood from fallen logs & such, the bridges were constructed of the least material possible in order to blend in, rather than grab attention... the paths were mulched rather than paved (and some simply packed dirt), surely harder to upkeep but so much more natural and comfortable. I didn't see a speck of litter. I could FEEL the love put into the preserve. I would really love to meet the caretaker(s). And I can't wait to go back and explore more (we didn't go far because we were taking everything in so deeply). And this, THIS, surrounded by industrial, bustling city! Safe, forever, thanks to the reverence and generosity of one person.

Truly the most magical place I have ever been; such a beautiful example of people working with and honoring nature. ♥ ♥ ♥

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

( ramblings about art, the sacred, and money )

I just ordered some supplies for the vials so I'm not starting quite yet, but I'm compiling the info so that I know what I need to get (and so that it can be swirling in my spirit). So Nea, Laura, Jenny, i_come_undone, girlstandstill, Kori, SabR, Angie, Sidhe, and Hosanna, I still need info from you, especially you first few because you're at the beginning of the list (I'm doing first the 4 who kept coming to mind, then in order of when you commented).

The nature of these vials is temporary -- that is, they're meant to create an effect in your life, and once you outgrow the need for that effect, they'll no longer be 'potent.' Obviously you can still wear them for their beauty, but they are not meant to express who you are so much as to draw things TO you. I ask for the colors/symbols/words you resonate with because that gives an anchor to you, but I may include things that you don't necessarily resonate with at the moment. For instance, right now I might wear a vial with blue in it for tranquility and moving house (I might be moving soon and my life seems filled with upheaval), but blue is not at all one of my colors. I just want to specify this so that you won't be disappointed if the vial does not perfectly reflect who you are.

Have you ever read of Masaru Emoto's water crystal experiments? By exposing water to words (printed and spoken), freezing it, and photographing the ice crystals, ze found that positive words created beautiful crystals and negative words created broken crystals or none at all. ( the effects of words & intentions on water & chocolate )

I believe words have power. Not just the power of suggestion, but power of their own -- magic. I believe this because I've felt the effect of words on me, both read and spoken, and because several of the belief systems I learn from agree on it. I'm still amazed when I think about what -- or rather, who -- spoken words of gratitude have brought into my life. (after only 12 days, remember?) And I think words have the most magic when they're created by hand or spoken: given life directly by a person. The process of translating thoughts into visual symbols by the movements of our hands is ritualistic and uniquely expressive. Even the same word written by the same person is unique every time it is created, with its own life and energy -- and written words last from one moment to the next, almost like a perpetual echo.

Recently I visited a craft store and was drawn to small glass vials -- I didn't know why, but I got them. Later I looked at them wonderingly and in a flash of intuition saw the final creation in my mind. I was filled with awe and delight -- this glow of creation stronger than any I have ever felt in any other artistic expression. I could feel what I was making taking shape spiritually as well as physically (the others I believe were created spiritually as well but I couldn't feel it so strongly). I wrote out magic words on tiny scrolls of paper -- faithful declarations, blessings, prayers -- and slipped them into the vial with tiny glass marbles and glitter (which has always been magic to me) and symbolic shapes (stars). Throughout this I was in an almost trancelike state of love and focus, consciously allowing divinity to flow positivity through me into the vial. That vial was created for Aurilion ♥



( two more photos )

Since then I have been wanting to create more but I will not make them generic; by their very nature they must be created with the owner in mind. Do you want one? Would you wear it for 8 days consecutively if I made you one? If so, ( I need to know some things )

---

I had an idea! I'm thinking of listing these on etsy (making them custom, of course), then donating all profit to RAINN, Equality Now, Legal Momentum, CHRIS Kids, Georgia Equality, or The White House Project -- either the buyer's choice, or on rotation. I'll ask for a minimum donation of $13 (as that is a sacred number to me) and then $4 for shipping. I think I'll have people can pay me so it is just one transaction, then I will make the donation and email a copy of the receipt to the person getting a vial.

Have you ever read of Masaru Emoto's water crystal experiments? By exposing water to words (printed and spoken), freezing it, and photographing the ice crystals, ze found that positive words created beautiful crystals and negative words created broken crystals or none at all. ( the effects of words & intentions on water & chocolate )

I believe words have power. Not just the power of suggestion, but power of their own -- magic. I believe this because I've felt the effect of words on me, both read and spoken, and because several of the belief systems I learn from agree on it. I'm still amazed when I think about what -- or rather, who -- spoken words of gratitude have brought into my life. (after only 12 days, remember?) And I think words have the most magic when they're created by hand or spoken: given life directly by a person. The process of translating thoughts into visual symbols by the movements of our hands is ritualistic and uniquely expressive. Even the same word written by the same person is unique every time it is created, with its own life and energy -- and written words last from one moment to the next, almost like a perpetual echo.

Recently I visited a craft store and was drawn to small glass vials -- I didn't know why, but I got them. Later I looked at them wonderingly and in a flash of intuition saw the final creation in my mind. I was filled with awe and delight -- this glow of creation stronger than any I have ever felt in any other artistic expression. I could feel what I was making taking shape spiritually as well as physically (the others I believe were created spiritually as well but I couldn't feel it so strongly). I wrote out magic words on tiny scrolls of paper -- faithful declarations, blessings, prayers -- and slipped them into the vial with tiny glass marbles and glitter (which has always been magic to me) and symbolic shapes (stars). Throughout this I was in an almost trancelike state of love and focus, consciously allowing divinity to flow positivity through me into the vial. That vial was created for Aurilion ♥



( two more photos )

Since then I have been wanting to create more but I will not make them generic; by their very nature they must be created with the owner in mind. Do you want one? Would you wear it for 8 days consecutively if I made you one? If so, ( I need to know some things )

---

I had an idea! I'm thinking of listing these on etsy (making them custom, of course), then donating all profit to RAINN, Equality Now, Legal Momentum, CHRIS Kids, Georgia Equality, or The White House Project -- either the buyer's choice, or on rotation. I'll ask for a minimum donation of $13 (as that is a sacred number to me) and then $4 for shipping. I think I'll have people can pay me so it is just one transaction, then I will make the donation and email a copy of the receipt to the person getting a vial.

Have you ever read of Masaru Emoto's water crystal experiments? By exposing water to words (printed and spoken), freezing it, and photographing the ice crystals, ze found that positive words created beautiful crystals and negative words created broken crystals or none at all. ( the effects of words & intentions on water & chocolate )

I believe words have power. Not just the power of suggestion, but power of their own -- magic. I believe this because I've felt the effect of words on me, both read and spoken, and because several of the belief systems I learn from agree on it. I'm still amazed when I think about what -- or rather, who -- spoken words of gratitude have brought into my life. (after only 12 days, remember?) And I think words have the most magic when they're created by hand or spoken: given life directly by a person. The process of translating thoughts into visual symbols by the movements of our hands is ritualistic and uniquely expressive. Even the same word written by the same person is unique every time it is created, with its own life and energy -- and written words last from one moment to the next, almost like a perpetual echo.

Recently I visited a craft store and was drawn to small glass vials -- I didn't know why, but I got them. Later I looked at them wonderingly and in a flash of intuition saw the final creation in my mind. I was filled with awe and delight -- this glow of creation stronger than any I have ever felt in any other artistic expression. I could feel what I was making taking shape spiritually as well as physically (the others I believe were created spiritually as well but I couldn't feel it so strongly). I wrote out magic words on tiny scrolls of paper -- faithful declarations, blessings, prayers -- and slipped them into the vial with tiny glass marbles and glitter (which has always been magic to me) and symbolic shapes (stars). Throughout this I was in an almost trancelike state of love and focus, consciously allowing divinity to flow positivity through me into the vial. That vial was created for Aurilion ♥



( two more photos )

Since then I have been wanting to create more but I will not make them generic; by their very nature they must be created with the owner in mind. Do you want one? Would you wear it for 8 days consecutively if I made you one? If so, ( I need to know some things )

---

I had an idea! I'm thinking of listing these on etsy (making them custom, of course), then donating all profit to RAINN, Equality Now, Legal Momentum, CHRIS Kids, Georgia Equality, or The White House Project -- either the buyer's choice, or on rotation. I'll ask for a minimum donation of $13 (as that is a sacred number to me) and then $4 for shipping. I think I'll have people can pay me so it is just one transaction, then I will make the donation and email a copy of the receipt to the person getting a vial.

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

The last full day of Aurilion's visit we woke up late and went to Longhorn's (as Aurilion was craving steak). That was a rather surreal experience, as I was wearing a scent which GLOWED to Aurilion (BPAL's 'Chimera' which should have been called 'Bastet' as it is golden honey lusciousness and reminds me so strongly of that deity) but we were separated by this giant table that we could hardly reach across. When we left, it was like the clink of two magnets finally released to join. We went home and I put makeup/magic on us! eeee I was absolutely enraptured with Aurilion in such colors, they expressed zir faeness so brilliantly! We had been planning to go to Red Top Mountain but it was getting too late so we went to the park again instead, and had the most beautiful time exploring and taking photos.



( portraits of Aurilion )

( photos of Aurilion and I together, plus a video )

( photos and a video of Aurilion weaving magic )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )