ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama':

SabR (and, in comments, Kazi) confronted Ashley about some issues she had, including how Ashley acted that fateful night that broke us up; Ashley got upset about it; Mike (Ashley's bf) popped in and proceeded to verbally vomit over SabR, myself, and Kazi while telling Ashley to give up on Sabr and Kazi; and Ashley unfriended Kazi and SabR. That was a craaaaazy bunch of hours, watching that unfold.

please do not comment on the drama unless you are also commenting on the rest of this entry, because the rest of the entry is VERY important to me and I would be VERY hurt if it were ignored while recent drama-that-only-sorta-involves-me was noted. I'm only including it because it did have my attention for a day or so. At this point I am only interested in what Lily (Aurilion? I don't know what she's going by these days) thinks, and I'm not commenting further until I know her thoughts. EDIT: she unfriended me and SabR and refuses to explain. :-( --------

and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.

And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!