opening up to SabR and Kazi about spirit shapes / pro-belenen! haha! / ashleymikelily 'drama'
ugh. Yesterday I had a looooooooooooooong talk with SabR and Kazi. First we discussed the recent 'drama': SabR (and, in comments, Kazi) confronted Ashley about some issues she had, including how Ashley acted that fateful night that broke us up; Ashley got upset about it; Mike (Ashley's bf) popped in and proceeded to verbally vomit over SabR, myself, and Kazi while telling Ashley to give up on Sabr and Kazi; and Ashley unfriended Kazi and SabR. That was a craaaaazy bunch of hours, watching that unfold.
please do not comment on the drama unless you are also commenting on the rest of this entry, because the rest of the entry is VERY important to me and I would be VERY hurt if it were ignored while recent drama-that-only-sorta-involves-me was noted. I'm only including it because it did have my attention for a day or so. At this point I am only interested in what Lily (Aurilion? I don't know what she's going by these days) thinks, and I'm not commenting further until I know her thoughts. EDIT: she unfriended me and SabR and refuses to explain. :-( --------
and then we moved on to sacred topics, talking of spiritual things, and after much reassurance, much encouragement, I opened up about something I'd never told anyone (except Hannah) before. It broke something loose in me, and I've been dealing with a FLOOD of emotion since, mostly depression and pain. I don't understand it, haven't found the root of it, but OH my heart aches. If I start thinking about it I weep. What I don't get is that when I talked to Hannah about it I didn't have this reaction, maybe because my heart wasn't ready to really open the door yet? Whatever it is, it's made me WAY FUCKING DEPRESSED all morning, and I finally sent Kazi and SabR an email about it because they had seen I was hurt afterwards and were worried that it was their fault. I sobbed through the whole email and had to keep blinking hard in order to see the screen, but I think it helped. Then SabR IMed me and was so understanding, and I feel much stronger now. Still very fragile though. It's going to take more processing before I can share it here, but I definitely plan to.
And my girls TOTALLY lifted my spirits by adding pro-belenen to their interests lists!!! LOL!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!! and I totally have it because I'm very pro-me, muahahaha!
I love the gift that you have shared with me, and I am sorry that you feel as if it is ripping you apart. I think it will settle down soon enough. I hope. We will coax it and comfort it in the meantime the best that we can, what do you say?
Perhaps the reason you did not have the same reaction with Hannah as you did with SabR and Kazi is because that was the first time you were able to share it with anyone. You were able to speak it aloud. I often find emotions come more later after we first bring up a subject, as we begin to come to terms with the topic . Even though the entire process of first sharing something is quite emotional in itself. I also feel sometimes no matter how safe we feel with someone it is still scary to share a sacred piece of your self.
I have wanted to say many things since first beginning to read your journal. You awaken more thoughts and ideas within me which has been so enriching to my life. Last week when you wrote about your dreams with spirit colors and shapes I wanted to ask about how old you were when you vaguely remember seeing something. I have read that children are able to see spirit colors and images quite clearly up until the age of five. Much of what changes afterwards is the disbelief of adults and mainstream society. This then possibly stunts the spiritual understanding and growth of the child. I am not saying I feel that is what happened in your case. Actually I feel opposite. I can sense you are very connected and you have the ability to see people deeply. I can feel that from reading what you write and from seeing the intensity in your eyes with your userpics. Your spirit shines through everything you touch.
what a beautiful compliment! thank you! ♥ and I don't think it odd at all.
I think you found the reason -- I think that, like you said, the first time speaking it the emotions hadn't really come up yet, and also I think I didn't feel as vulnerable with Hannah because I know that she thinks/feels a lot like I do, so I didn't have the intense fear and subsequent relief that I did with SabR and Kazi.
I am not sure exactly how I old I was -- I think I was around 8 years old because I remember the place that I told them (I think my dad was in hearing range but did not respond at all, and I was talking to my mom), and I remember the light, the time of day, and I remember my mom walking away kinda laughing a little, shaking her head -- "kids come up with such crazy stuff." I remember how gray I felt everything turned then.
I've read some stuff on spiritual sight, especially with auras -- one book said that children often outline people with color when they draw them, or simply draw them in non-literal colors, and parents/teachers train them out of it... I do think that in some ways my parents stunted my spiritual growth, and I have yet to reclaim all I have lost. I can sense so much, deep inside me. But in some ways they encouraged me, particularly with dreaming -- I had several visions as a child and my dad took them very seriously. Once I woke up from a dream crying and insisted that my dad pray with me about my mom (I think I was about three years old) and shortly after that time, the same day, she was in a car wreck that could have been bad but she was totally unharmed. I think that impressed upon my dad that I had prophetic dreams, and both he and my mom always encouraged me to write them down. I think that is part of the reason why I've taken my dreams so seriously, and I'm glad they supported me in that way.
I can sense you are very connected and you have the ability to see people deeply. I can feel that from reading what you write and from seeing the intensity in your eyes with your userpics. Your spirit shines through everything you touch.
thank you ♥ so much. *hugs*
I don't know what this sort-of-epiphany of yours is about, but it sounds like it's something that's been affecting you internally for a while and is just starting to come to the surface. That can be hard to integrate. But you're strong & super-self-aware. You'll do it.
A for the rest, I think I will defriend Lily. I just don't like the person she is letting herself become. I don't feel proud to have her on my flist anymore.
*hugs back* it does feel cleansing. and thank you for your support too ♥
:-\ *sigh* I understand how you feel about Lily. I miss her, but she has to make her own choices and all I can do is wait and hope.