what's left?

I guess a good analogy is when you hurt yourself physically. initially there's an ugly scab, but once that comes off there's new skin underneath that's pink and tender and delicate. as long as another injury doesn't happen in that same place, the new skin eventually becomes as strong as all the rest.

trust is the same. when enough time passes with nobody abusing your trust, you'll be able to trust more & more.

I like that analogy.

There are different kinds of trust though... there's basic trust, which is formed as a small child, and if broken, explodes through your whole life and has to be carefully rebuilt (in an aware, deliberate way), and then there's adult trust, which simply heals with time.

I'm working on basic trust. It's a long, hard road, but if I don't keep going then there is no purpose in life. So I keep going even when it feels pointless, and hopefully I'll eventually be healed and then have REAL purpose, instead of clinging to this very unpleasant rope. I have to admit that I have made progress.

Yep. What the above person said.

*hugs* Then "Rage" by Benita Wenkler is a very appropriate icon.

*shakes head with a smile* That's right, that was birthed from CGtalk, wasn't it? Do you happen to know who wrote the poem that the contest came from?

bah, that would be like 4 weeks ago on the Daily Sketch thread... can't promise anything, but I'll look!

i don't know the details, but i have faith that you can get through this. I will pray for you, love.

Thank you. Just thank you.

what's left? a new beginning.

I want to see that, but all I can do right now is strain to see the next step. I just have to keep going.

and never give up. you have a tremendous group of friends to help you every step of the way.

i don't really feel equipped to offer advice...

but, i'll offer a poem -- one that i wrote in my journal a long time ago. it refers, not only to the rage, but also the withdrawal that can come along with it. the ability to reach out with passion. unconditionally.

so, no advice, only a gift for you.



Origami

Why, when dangerously
Close to a burning rage,
Do I fold and crumple
Like a paper dragon.
Passion, when shaped to fit
The patterns of lifeless
Docility, becomes
Simply ornamental.

Thank you. That really means a lot to me, I cherish it. Thank you for that gift.

you are most welcome!

I can offer no advice, and almost nothing else. Know simply that you are in my thoughts and sporadic prayers.

Thank you, that is important to me. ♥

The really neat thing about being a Christian is you don't have to worry what is going to fill your empty spots once you have released all the poison. I kind of look at it this way - imagine this beautiful pot that was buried under the sand for almost 2000 years. This beautiful pot had some sort of something inside it that had sounded like a good idea when at first the owner of the pot had put it in there, but 2000 years later, it had corroded the inside of the pot until almost nothing was left besides a very fine layer. One could almost be certain that if they did nothing more than sneeze on it the pot would crumble.

But this one man, a potter, picks up the pot (yea, yea, I know you think you know where this is going, but you're still gonna have to listen to it.), tenderly holds it to himself, and proceeds to go to his workshop. First, he has to remove the rest of the pot's inner poison, or all of his good work will be for naught. This is a very difficult task, as it almost removes the pot itself, the poison has become so intertwined. After he has removed the poison, he begins to put his own material inside the pot, to smooth out the faults, to fill in the cracks. The material is good, and once it has set for a while, the material is no longer so much a part of the Potter as it is the Pot.

I guess I went through all of that to reassure you that YOU aren't going to have to worry what is going to fill you after you have released the poison that has been trying to hold you captive for as long as you could toddle. God is going to worry about it - you'll be more yourself than you ever were as soon as you offer up that empty space to him, and you'll find that there is more peace available to you than you had ever thought possible.

*Hug*

I'll be here for you, Bel.

Liiiiiisten to her, Bel. She makes a good point. Though I feel the need to make one addition: You have even more available to fill that empty space than faith and God, because you have scores of people (like the two of us) who love you dearly and would gladly offer pieces of us to help fill you up, too.

And dammit, you have to trust a comment made by a non-Christian who's saying, "Listen to the girl who's talking about God!" :-P

*hugs*

Thank you my Anika. *hugs back* and yeah I do trust your comment! *smile*

Thank you. You are so sweet to me! The questions in my heart overwhelm me... I can't even see the goal nowadays, I have to just blindly keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I think/hope/havefaith? that I will eventually emerge from this valley of darkness.

stay beuatiful bel, you're on the right road

thank you so much for the support. ♥

It seems many people have problems with trust, myself included...it is definitely frustrating. :-(

*hugs* We just have to keep going, we'll get there one day.

We shall see what can be done. Do hold to your strengths and allow those with strength to hold you as well.

Thank you.

You aren't all rage, so when it is all let out then there will be all the good stuff left. Which will give you energy then. I'm sure you're getting better, or it wouldn't be so hard.

Anyway, the thing about trust, the more you give, the more you get, so you'll have lots of people to help you back. :)

You aren't all rage, so when it is all let out then there will be all the good stuff left. Which will give you energy then.

It's odd how something can be so true, and yet I can't recognize it as such until someone else says it. Thank you. ♥

I have to agree with what kevloid said (sorry, I haven't the foggiest how to write that as a ljname thingy).

I also have to agree with your thoughts on trust. Let me be clear: I think that what you feel in regards to your trust issues is a very common plight, especially among those who have been "violently destroyed". I can unhappily say that I have been one of those people. I can also look at my last sentence and know that to use the past tense is a falsehood...

I'm so full of rage. It saps my energy... when I finally let it out, what else is left?

The above made me think that you thought nothing would be left...I don't know the details of what you are referring to, but I have a distinctly difficult time believing that what is left could ever be nothing - you're just too full of that special something, that certain "je ne sais quoi".

There are good days and there are bad days, you (I) just have to remember that each and every day is a gift. I don't even know you but I'd wager you're stronger than you suspect.

It was odd actually, that last question went straight from my soul to my fingers without even passing through my brain... Anger has been my defense for a long time, I think, and it's hard to know where the anger ends and I begin.

Thank you for the encouragement. I assure you it isn't wasted, it means a lot to me. ♥

:) ♥

nevermind that, HERE's how to do the ljname -- (lj name="username") but use < instead of (

;-)

Yay! More codes! :D

Here is something nice:

My mother-in-law had on the ladybug earrings and the girls at the drugstore were very very impressed, mom loves them because they are so light and of course they have ladybugsp; I would like to get her another pair that are red and gold.

aww, I'm so glad she loves them! Drop me an email when you want me to send you an invoice. Do you want them the same length as the others, just with gold instead of black?

Wow. I can really relate to this. While I really trust Chris, there are still parts of me that don't. It's not him, it's my reaction to things that have happened to me in the past. :/

It sucks that they have to stand up to so much scrutiny, but they've both got awesome women, so I think that makes up for the struggles. ;-)

Trust is soemthing I find very difficult also. I think that I've been trying to listen to my intuition and let it guide me in regards to trust.

That's definitely a step in the right direction. But it requires trusting your intuition! It's all interconnected.

*nods* That occured to me just after I posted that comment.