belenen: (Default)

June 2017


Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (disassociative)
still thinking about Evelyn
icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

Latest email from Evelyn had the mildest pushback and my immediate urge (which I resisted, for the most part) was to throw all my needs out the window and be like "nevermind I don't need anything I just want to be with you let's pretend everything is rainbows and I'm a superhuman who never feels pain and can give endlessly without replenishing" god I fucking hate that. I also hate that I can't stop thinking about this. Arrrgghhh what is wrong with me. STOP GETTING YOUR HOPES UP, SELF.

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Setting good boundaries is necessary, but so hard (and brave). Hoping for you to find continuing ways to honour yourself and your needs, no matter how the situation turns out.
I'm a bit behind on here and am going to reply to your Evelyn posts all in on here at this thread. Hope that is okay. I often read posts "at the time" as they unfold but come back and reply later in a proper catch up as it were.

It's understandable that you should feel a lot of consuming thoughts over the situation as your bond with Evelyn is very important to you and you want to salvage what you have and be with them. To be able to talk through your problems together with the aim to work through them is fantastic and I value this as well. So few people seem willing to put in that kind of investment in a friendship or a relationship. I hear you over you needing them/close connections in general to be able to communicate if there is a problem and if they don't, then they can't then emotionally fault the other person. I think as well though, many people struggle with this or lack the self awareness.

Wow at the coincidence over Evelyn messaging at the moment you were typing when you hadn't heard back from them. I love those kind of coincidences.

I hope you can keep talking and working things out. I've been there before where I had to back down and just agree with someone in order to please them and not push them away with more heavy discussion where my needs were not being met. I think with some people, it just needs to be that way.
It's completely understandable that you have a lot of thoughts about the whole situation, and I hope that you can continue to honor yourself, no matter what happens.
Had to go back and do a bit of catching up, as I'd fallen behind on LJ for various reasons. Now that I'm current, I will say that it's so wonderful that you're choosing to honor yourself (as [ profile] ragnarok_08 put it) and be honest with Evelyn, no matter what. It's natural to get your hopes up and to want to forgive and forget, but continuing to interrogate the situation seems like the most ethical choice.