counseling hell
counseling was horrible... I want to write but I don't have the words...
and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.
I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.
I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.
I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.
Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.
and it ended badly -- we had to end without closing any of the issues that were brought up, and I was angry and hurt -- I didn't hug her back when she hugged me bye and when she waved I just looked at her. I think I may have hurt her, I don't know. And yeah, I was angry at her, not just in general.
I was at least two different people -- one very angry and bold and strong and the other just a limp blob of pain. This was the first time I've ever actually felt the difference in my selves -- it wasn't just moodiness, it was a whole different person. And then there was the self that just watched, that self that I hate.
I need to be allowed to be weak, to mourn, to believe that I was wronged and I have a right to feel pain. Of course I don't want to stay mourning forever, but I cannot just skip that step... as it seems everyone wants me to do.
I have been in such a place of confidence and clarity (compared to my life before, anyway) for weeks, and to be plunged into confusion and frustration again is overwhelming. Since counseling, I've been exhausted and my body is reacting to my spirit -- I've felt nauseated and aching.
Oh yeah, and right after counseling I went and spent time with my dad, who was in town for the weekend. It's almost funny. It wasn't a bad time, exactly, just fraught with the usual feelings of frustration, disappointment, tension, and exhaustion.
drained
There are always going to be those days where His peace seems so far away.
The good thing is that it is still right there available and upon us, (John 14:27 (http://bible.gospelcom.net/passage/?search=John%2014:27&version=31)).
Healing can be immediate, but usually it takes some time. Be patient, and keep trusting Him. Go at the pace you know is right. You will come out of this sound and whole, but don't rush to make yourself do something someone else is pressuring you to do or feel. God knows what you need, and he definately speaks through us, but use your spirit to discern what is from Him and what is just man's responses. I hope this makes sense and is of some help.
Sincerely,
Vanessa
And (I think), I know how you're feeling spending time with your dad, the tension etc. I guess that there isn't much you can do about that. Can't choose our families, just unlucky if people don't feel they belong with them, don't click. More likely not to get on with parents than not, I think, like people are supposed to not get on well with other people who are too similar to themselves. With all the genes passed on, everyone must be pretty similar to their parents, even if it isn't in any obvious way. Personality is partly genetic, oddly enough, actually genetic, not just what has been learnt/absorbed from parents opinions, actions, etc.
Then there is breaking free, remembering that you are your own person. Conflict between trying to be what you are now and the feeling, reminder, of how you felt when you were a child. I guess. Difficult to explain what I mean.
I hope you feel better soon, I'm sure you will! And hopefully next counselling session will be better. When is your next one?
My next counseling session is on the 30th... which seems so far away. But I can wait 9 more days, I know I can.
I know counselling brings up issues but it's meant to cleanse not do this.
just had to offer that -- your healing happens when the time is right - there is no prescribed timeframe either (as you know so well). But let her know that you left feeling as though your discussion ended prematurely.
Being open with her when you are upset by her behaviour is crucial too.
I pray that your healing continues...:)
It's horrible when you can't close issues. I always take my watch so I can try to avoid that because it's the worst EVER.