the whys of relationships / have reached a plateau, am frustrated! want to see a place to grow!
This is probably a completely incoherent entry -- even though it asks a lot of questions it asks none of them well, so consider them rhetorical. :-pI've been thinking about the nature of relationships (both platonic and romantic) lately. I define a relationship as a connection between two people, deliberately deepened by sharing time, energy, and thoughts/feelings. And what is the point of relationships? I think that is the part that confuses me because I used to have really clear goals in my relationships. Goals like learning to trust and learning how to be honest and open and learning how to give&require respect. Now I've pretty much got that down and I don't know where to go from there. I don't have an easy WHY for any of my relationships, other than wanting to learn everything about everyone, and that's really unfocused and makes me feel like I'm stagnating.
I'm looking for a new focus. I feel like I don't know how to 'do' relationships, they're too easy -- it feels like nothing is happening. I feel like I'm in between stages. What is the next step? is it having more deep relationships simultaneously? or is there some kind of way to increase friendship beyond what I've experienced? I feel like there must be. I just don't feel like I'm learning anything new (in this way) and I find that frustrating. I know this sounds absolutely insane, and it feels insane, because I am developing new (and old) relationships and they aren't easy of course, but it feels like I already know all the ways to troubleshoot, so even though they certainly take effort, they don't take new kinds of thought. And for me the point of life has always been learning -- not just knowledge learning, but experiential learning.
I feel like I make intimacy such a habit that I don't even know what it is anymore; how do you notice the air you breathe? And most of the people I meet have already let me in as much as they're going to, so there's not an increase in intimacy. What is a relationship that doesn't grow? Some people are open to growing closer, but I feel confused about how to do that, because I've already done the work to let them in. It was so satisfying when it was all new to me and I had relationships where we fumbled along together. Now I feel like the unexplored parts of my heart are very very close to the core, so it just takes a person a long time to get there, whereas most people have unexplored places just inside the gates. And I miss that sense of wonder that comes with discovering a new part of yourself with someone else. I REALLY miss that. Even though I do have it with a few of my relationships, I miss having it with ALL my relationships. I'm a wonder junkie, maybe. I'm a learning junkie for sure, and I feel
But I think I've felt this way before (not about relationships, but I can't remember what it was) so I'm hoping that the shift will hurry up and I'll be back to feeling properly awed by how much I have yet to learn. If I can't level up, I don't wanna play anymore. I'm sure I CAN but I find it really frustrating to have no new path ahead of me, relationally. There's plenty new in other areas but I want to see places I can grow in learning how to have relationships.
Maybe it's something to do with my spirituality, integrating that more into my relationships. I've been feeling directionless there too. On a whim the other day I went to my old church for just a taste of communal love and even the worship had gone utterly stale. Which is to be expected since the leader has gone deeper and deeper into ridiculous dogma, but still shocking because I'd always felt magic in the worship.
I'm wondering if you couldn't do yourself a favor by trying to abstain (for lack of a better word) from extraneous physical relationships and try to focus on only forming platonic attachments and never wanting or expecting them to become more than that. It might help you bring a new level of awareness to Ben since you'd be seeking all your physical needs from him solely.
This isn't to say you should be monogamous forever, but maybe just as an exercise to see if it helps you figure out some of your pitfalls/brick walls with relationships.
And get a pair of flip flops AND make a rainbow ANKLET! I swear to god they'll change your outlook on everything forever! Flip flops and anklets are the world to me. They make my heart feel super happy.
Example: The Nameless Monk is intentionally making The Protagonist uncomfortable and annoyed by being vague when Protagonist wants easy answers and being calm when Protagonist wants to upset him. Serves beautifully to make Protagonist *actually* *interested* in the interaction. When Protagonist asks "Why are these people chasing you?", Monk says, "I'll give it to you in a way you might understand. Why do hotdogs come in packs of 10, but hotdog buns only in packs of 8?" "What bullshit! That has nothing to do with this! You're jerking my chain!" cries Protagonist, bringing a small smile from Monk.
This set me thinking; the answer for both questions with which I am most peaceful is, "Because they do."
This is what came to mind--this, and a Martian habit from Heinlein books of "growing together" wherein the two people doing the growing just sit in eachother's presence for a while and Be with one another--when I read about your wanting goals for relationships.
Why do relationships if you don't seem to "level up"? ~shrug~ Why plant a seed if a tree doesn't pop up the next day? Everyday life is the path (http://www.ibiblio.org/zen/gateless-gate/19.html), methinks, but the trick is, sometimes it moves SLOW.
Perhaps the goal would be, then, to get close enough to them so that they may open up? And maybe when they do, you can find something for you two to focus on, some goal that you didn't know that you shared.
I think that a relationship isn't so much a path as it is a huge field to explore, and when you explore, you find things. Maybe the part of the relationship that you feel is stagnating is actually the part where you've finished finding all of the treasures in the field, and now you have to reap their benefits. Or maybe there's something you need that you haven't found yet.
So not comparing this to Okami what are you talking aboutWhile it is gratifying to have relationships that change you and are profound, not all relationships will be like this, because many people do not change and do not attempt to be or look for profound... ness. (I'm not saying that the people with whom you seek to deepen relationships with are shallow, but maybe you need to... make them deeper!)
i think i know what you saying... the wonder is your magic and if you don't have that wonder, that magic and interested in gone? maybe spread the wonder around, not at all at once. wonder does make a relationship WONDERful. =P it is exciting letting someone into your life, into your heart, into your world...
My sister and I believe a bit differently. We cling to our favorites to the extent that we will actually purchase said book or movie with the intent of ruminating over it time after time after time. To my parents, this is a waste of money. There are video stores and libraries, so why do we have to own? Why do we have to keep coming back for more and more?
I wish I had an easy answer to this question, because I truly believe that therein lies the key to a lot of my own mentalities. But the truth is that I can't sum up my reasoning in a concise, pretty sentence. Why do I feel the need to own things that I've already experienced once? My desire is always to experience something more than just a single time. I have favorites, because each and every time I experience them, I gain a nuance of information that I didn't have before. Whether it's something as simple as having missed a line of the movie, or something as complex as opening myself up to the reason behind a certain mentality. I enjoy the challenge of picking things apart. I'm the type of person who would tear a clock apart to see what it contains, though I know from the get go I don't have the skills to put it back together again.
What does that say for the questions you've posed here? I don't know. My mom and dad have a philosophy that works for them, because to them the world is always brand spanking and new. And I have a philosophy that works for me, because to me, the world always has another layer to peel back.
Since deep relationships turned from a scarce resource into one overflowing with plenty, I’ve found that I’ve learned to focus more on what I want to do with my time and on what makes me happy. Nowadays I mostly figure out what I want to do and how I want to learn and grow and build — the life that I want to live — and I let my relationships grow in accordance with how much my partners’ goals match my own. Of course, I’m no expert, so even now I have a couple of people I’d love to get to know better if ever I can find the time with all of this learning and growing and building.
Anyway, in refocusing like that, I’ve found a number of things that I thought I’d figured out about myself that really weren’t quite what I thought they were. I suppose by setting aside my focus on self-definition and self-exploration, I was able to live inside the ones I’d built, and thereby gain more experience in how I actually worked when I wasn’t analyzing myself quite so closely.
Dunno if that helps you at all; maybe you’re in a completely different space, or maybe you process things very differently. It’s been my experience, though, so I thought I’d share. :-)
In another world entirely (in reference to another comment you made on this post), math isn’t actually all about knowing things. Early learners study old formulae in the same way that apprentice painters study the works of their masters. A fine painter may be able to reproduce a master’s style well, but an expert student with a good teacher will take those lessons and use them to create something new. There’s lots of exploration and discovery left to do at the edges of mathematics.
This is a...random thought. But you seem like someone who is constantly driven for self-improvement; and I can relate to this, because my partner sometimes has to tell me or remind me that it's not always about that.
Maybe the next thing you are meant to learn, is how to just 'be' in a relationship, instead of how to 'do' all the time. How to accept the contentment and trust that comes from a relationship that is actually already deep and meaningful. There are always new places to take relationships, but do you think you're taking enough time to savour what you already have? Or do you feel like... if you're not actively trying to achieve a goal, you're not doing anything worthwhile?
Maybe the new inner world you are meant to be learning, is to embrace and accept the plateau for what it is - a still place where the ground lies fallow for a little while. It sounds like you are really really frustrated by it, judging by your tone, so it would certainly be a personal challenge!
I think the lesson may be learning to enjoy what you have in the present, instead of constantly looking forward to what you could have in the future. You have attained much more than the average person and yet you want 'more.' If you substituted 'relationships' for 'money' in your post, it would show an inability to appreciate what you have at its most base level; a greed for 'more more more'. Maybe you're so used to intimacy, you are now in a place where you have to re-learn how not to take it for granted anymore.