pain, trusting Ben / crying is not shameful / time with Ashley and Kevin
I had counseling this morning, and it didn't seem like we went that deep. Mainly because she's not sure that I am committed to getting healed (because of all the pain that comes with opening that stuff) and she's not going to push me. Yet when I got home and relaxed, I suddenly felt like my heart was breaking, and I cried and cried and cried because I felt... used. And Ben comforted me, but that was hard for me to accept because he's a man, and I really can't trust men right now. So I had two battles going on -- the struggle between accepting or shoving down the pain, and the struggle between accepting Ben's love or pushing him away. I actually won both battles though, now that I think about it. But good grief, every touch scared me, and the only place that he could touch me without me freaking out was my back. And at the same time I wanted the comfort of sex, only a little bit though. Good grief, the pain felt like I was being... abused. Like it was happening. But there were no thoughts with it, just the feeling. I couldn't get in a safe position either, didn't feel safe on my back or my tummy. But Ben was so careful. And I'm proud of myself for not shoving him away. I know I need to trust him, even though it's hard, and I know he's trustworthy.
I used to be ashamed to cry. I'm still kinda ashamed to admit it here, in front of other people. I feel like it's weak, like I'm going to be judged as a wimp who can't handle life. But that is a LIE taught to me by people who didn't want to deal with the guilt and discomfort of me being unhappy; they wanted me to stifle my feelings so that they could feel like everything was fine. Crying is just as natural as laughter, dammit, and it is necessary for processing pain. I refuse to believe that it's weak; I choose to believe that it is a honest expression and worthy of as much honor as any other display of emotion. (of course, crying for reasons other than strong emotion is different)
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Ashley and Kevin (a maybe-to-be-catholic and a born-catholic) went to my (very non-denominational) church today , but we were late and missed worship, and then there was a guest speaker, so they didn't even get to hear PJ preach. I was disappointed, but they agreed to come again next week, yay. ;-) Then we went to my favorite mexican restaurant and then to my favorite coffeeshop ('cause Ashley loves to make me happy -- all her idea) and then came back and -- played Boggle. And not just any Boggle, Deluxe Boggle with 25 letter cubes. And Ashley beat me, dammit, I'm used to winning. It was fun and I've decided that Kevin is worthy of Ashley -- he's very thoughtful and attentive and he makes her happy.
She dressed up (for me, she said) and looked beautiful -- I took pictures and I'm going to make her at least one red-headed icon.
While at church, I had Spencer and Paula pray for me about this counseling stuff, and they both prayed passionately, and I felt their love. It was healing for me, I rested in it and felt stronger. And I feel sure that Spencer (at least, probably Paula too, but she's very busy and kinda forgetful) will continue to pray for me, and that is encouraging. Oh, and one of those little things that delights me -- I hugged Paula when I saw her today, and she said, "Hey! I missed you last week!" and I knew that she was referring to when I tried to catch her attention but she was preoccupied -- Spencer saw though, and he must have told her.
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PS. WHERE THE HELL DID
flyupward GO?
PPS. If you haven't, please fill out my would-you-listen-to-an-entire-mix-CD-of-my-favorite-bands poll and my necklace design poll. It'll only take you a few minutes and a couple of clicks and it would make me very happy.
I used to be ashamed to cry. I'm still kinda ashamed to admit it here, in front of other people. I feel like it's weak, like I'm going to be judged as a wimp who can't handle life. But that is a LIE taught to me by people who didn't want to deal with the guilt and discomfort of me being unhappy; they wanted me to stifle my feelings so that they could feel like everything was fine. Crying is just as natural as laughter, dammit, and it is necessary for processing pain. I refuse to believe that it's weak; I choose to believe that it is a honest expression and worthy of as much honor as any other display of emotion. (of course, crying for reasons other than strong emotion is different)
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Ashley and Kevin (a maybe-to-be-catholic and a born-catholic) went to my (very non-denominational) church today , but we were late and missed worship, and then there was a guest speaker, so they didn't even get to hear PJ preach. I was disappointed, but they agreed to come again next week, yay. ;-) Then we went to my favorite mexican restaurant and then to my favorite coffeeshop ('cause Ashley loves to make me happy -- all her idea) and then came back and -- played Boggle. And not just any Boggle, Deluxe Boggle with 25 letter cubes. And Ashley beat me, dammit, I'm used to winning. It was fun and I've decided that Kevin is worthy of Ashley -- he's very thoughtful and attentive and he makes her happy.
She dressed up (for me, she said) and looked beautiful -- I took pictures and I'm going to make her at least one red-headed icon.
While at church, I had Spencer and Paula pray for me about this counseling stuff, and they both prayed passionately, and I felt their love. It was healing for me, I rested in it and felt stronger. And I feel sure that Spencer (at least, probably Paula too, but she's very busy and kinda forgetful) will continue to pray for me, and that is encouraging. Oh, and one of those little things that delights me -- I hugged Paula when I saw her today, and she said, "Hey! I missed you last week!" and I knew that she was referring to when I tried to catch her attention but she was preoccupied -- Spencer saw though, and he must have told her.
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PS. WHERE THE HELL DID
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PPS. If you haven't, please fill out my would-you-listen-to-an-entire-mix-CD-of-my-favorite-bands poll and my necklace design poll. It'll only take you a few minutes and a couple of clicks and it would make me very happy.
Well I'm glad I suggested it then. It probably depends on your preferences and what you're comfortable with but you might think about trying to set a specific time for such a session to take place. If you choose everything yourself from when and where it takes place (I don't know if somewhere open might be better or not), to what you are going to do and what he is allowed to do then it is all the more under your control which should make it easier. As I mentioned, the idea of maybe giving your husband a neck and shoulder massage for a little while (perhaps after a long day of work?) seems good to me because it is a way for you to get more comfortable with touching him while doing something that should be pleasant for him as well (and can be done with him flat on his stomach unmoving, which is a very disarming position). From what I understand, he seems to want to help you and would probably be happy for any contact so I doubt it would take much to get him to try it.
I wouldn't know where to look, but I imagine that if you searched the internet for such things, or maybe talked with your counsellor you could get better more in depth advice than I can give since I am just giving my observations and expanded thoughts on something I read anyway.
Well anyway, good luck with however you go about it.