counseling -- trust, paula and spencer, forgiveness
so, I've been lousy at comments lately, sorry. I'll try to go back and respond some tomorrow...
Friday was my last day at work, but I don't feel like I've actually quit yet... Yvonne asked why I was quitting, and I explained, and she told me that she was also abused as a child... (this is everywhere, a widespread devestating disease that no one ever talks about. WHY?) She was very kind, she stayed and talked to me for a while until I got a steady flow of customers again. She also has been totally healed, she was able to sit through a thanksgiving dinner with her abuser (a relative) without fear or anxiety or anger... I have even more hope now that I know two people have been totally healed.
I had counseling Saturday, it was very very stressful. I don't feel like it was progress, but at the same time I do -- I was more open than before, I almost felt trusting enough to tell her about my modeling and my journal -- I feel sure she would approve, but that 5% doubt is enough to make me want to keep it from her. She's no 'religious' person, just someone who loves and follows God, but everybody has their hangups and her opinion matters a lot to me, to use drastic understatement, so I'm afraid to tell her. I feel like God thinks that both my modeling and my journal are fascinating and wonderful, but again, I have slight doubt, and I'm afraid to ask him, afraid to ask anyone who represents his voice in my life.
I think my heart is slowly pulling away from Paula and Spencer. It hurts to admit, but it is more than likely that they were just being kind, not trying to treat me like a daughter. And I'm trying to come to terms with that, trying to rearrange my feelings and ideas of them into a less distorted view... and thinking that they were just being nice, well, it makes it different. Not that they gave me less of a gift, just that the gift they gave was more temporary than I had thought. My baby Risa will always be in my heart, though... she's my spirit-kin. I can't explain the way I feel about her.
And of course, we talked about forgiving my dad. She told me that a wound that deep is too much for us to forgive on our own, that I have to let God do it through me, with me... it's too much for me to understand, right now. She said it is simple, just that simple, a one-time decision, but hard to do. I want to forgive him, just so I can be free from all the pain my unforgiveness is causing me, but at the same time I don't want to forgive him, because in many ways he thinks he's just fine and I don't want to support that belief in any way... I'm very bitter when it comes to him, I've faced that and it's true. I don't like being bitter and untrusting when it comes to authority figures. But she forgave her perpetrator, and I'm 99.99% sure that my dad never touched me in any impure way (he was always very careful and cautious about NOT doing so), so don't I have it easy in comparison? I'm not even forgiving my abusers yet, whoever they are. Why is it SO HARD to forgive him? I think partly because I don't feel like my pain has been validated, I feel like I can't forgive something if I'm not even sure if it's wrong or not, and of course my parents would tell me that I'm overreacting and that I'm imagining things. But I want to get it over with. Yet I want someone to say, "that's terrible, I understand why you are so hurt, that was wrong." There are so many many things... mostly just how he treated me like less than a human. And told me repeatedly that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter, "I don't care how you feel" -- that exact phrase, many times. And now he wonders why I don't want to talk to him.
"Where do I take this pain of mine
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
So tear me open, but beware
The there's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, 'till I'm clean...."
Friday was my last day at work, but I don't feel like I've actually quit yet... Yvonne asked why I was quitting, and I explained, and she told me that she was also abused as a child... (this is everywhere, a widespread devestating disease that no one ever talks about. WHY?) She was very kind, she stayed and talked to me for a while until I got a steady flow of customers again. She also has been totally healed, she was able to sit through a thanksgiving dinner with her abuser (a relative) without fear or anxiety or anger... I have even more hope now that I know two people have been totally healed.
I had counseling Saturday, it was very very stressful. I don't feel like it was progress, but at the same time I do -- I was more open than before, I almost felt trusting enough to tell her about my modeling and my journal -- I feel sure she would approve, but that 5% doubt is enough to make me want to keep it from her. She's no 'religious' person, just someone who loves and follows God, but everybody has their hangups and her opinion matters a lot to me, to use drastic understatement, so I'm afraid to tell her. I feel like God thinks that both my modeling and my journal are fascinating and wonderful, but again, I have slight doubt, and I'm afraid to ask him, afraid to ask anyone who represents his voice in my life.
I think my heart is slowly pulling away from Paula and Spencer. It hurts to admit, but it is more than likely that they were just being kind, not trying to treat me like a daughter. And I'm trying to come to terms with that, trying to rearrange my feelings and ideas of them into a less distorted view... and thinking that they were just being nice, well, it makes it different. Not that they gave me less of a gift, just that the gift they gave was more temporary than I had thought. My baby Risa will always be in my heart, though... she's my spirit-kin. I can't explain the way I feel about her.
And of course, we talked about forgiving my dad. She told me that a wound that deep is too much for us to forgive on our own, that I have to let God do it through me, with me... it's too much for me to understand, right now. She said it is simple, just that simple, a one-time decision, but hard to do. I want to forgive him, just so I can be free from all the pain my unforgiveness is causing me, but at the same time I don't want to forgive him, because in many ways he thinks he's just fine and I don't want to support that belief in any way... I'm very bitter when it comes to him, I've faced that and it's true. I don't like being bitter and untrusting when it comes to authority figures. But she forgave her perpetrator, and I'm 99.99% sure that my dad never touched me in any impure way (he was always very careful and cautious about NOT doing so), so don't I have it easy in comparison? I'm not even forgiving my abusers yet, whoever they are. Why is it SO HARD to forgive him? I think partly because I don't feel like my pain has been validated, I feel like I can't forgive something if I'm not even sure if it's wrong or not, and of course my parents would tell me that I'm overreacting and that I'm imagining things. But I want to get it over with. Yet I want someone to say, "that's terrible, I understand why you are so hurt, that was wrong." There are so many many things... mostly just how he treated me like less than a human. And told me repeatedly that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter, "I don't care how you feel" -- that exact phrase, many times. And now he wonders why I don't want to talk to him.
I run, but it stays right by my side
So tear me open, pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
So tear me open, but beware
The there's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me, 'till I'm clean...."
crushed
I reckon your counsellor would approve. And rememebr - any counsellor that judges you isn't worth it!
I think she would approve too, and even if she didn't approve she wouldn't judge me... but I have never had good experiences with showing my 'unusual' side to older Christians, so I hestitate. Fear of being burned, you know?
i dont really know why i just said all that... sry for blabbling.
I hope things get better ♥
I do think that some things are unforgivable. I do think that some hate is good. Not much, but some - depending on what we hate.
I hate what my father did to my mother and the rest of us. Some of us crumpled mentally and physically, and some of us weathered the blows, but I will not stand here and tell you any of it made me stronger. It made me cautious to have children of my own because I feared the seeds of the monster were in my DNA. It made me abstain from alcohol when I know normal people can enjoy wine in moderation. It made most of my siblings dependent on antidepressants just to be able to live.
I will not play the game of hating the sin but loving the sinner. We are the sum of the choices we make, and every choice is a conscious one, even if it is learned behavior from another. I hate what that man did beyond his grave and wherever he landed. Forgiveness? No. What he did was unforgivable - the choices he made, and the man he failed to be because of them.
I know that flies in the face of everything you want to do here, but...you know, I don't know that the object of life is to forgive this man and move on. I think sometimes it's okay to learn from his mistakes, cut him off and move on, too.
I think I need to be able to differentiate between forgiveness and acceptance. They seem like the same thing to me, but really, forgiveness is letting go of your right to get paid back; not accepting what they did as okay, but giving up on revenge. I can't seem to get them sorted out just now.
Hang in there and give your all on those councelling sessions. You'll eventually feel what you've been wanting to feel for so long! ;)
My counselor actually asked me what I thought forgiveness was, and I didn't have a good answer. She told me that, simply put, it means letting go of your right to get paid back. That's a lot harder than it sounds.