I honestly cannot identify with my birth name at all anymore. I still think it's pretty, but it's so very un-me. Look at this thing:

( what my birth name means )

It's the most uncomfortable feeling, not knowing your own name. And poor Ben can only call me endearments.

I will be SO. very. happy. when I finally find it. It feels like a key to my soul. How can I get my inner self to respond if I can't even call her name?

I honestly cannot identify with my birth name at all anymore. I still think it's pretty, but it's so very un-me. Look at this thing:

( what my birth name means )

It's the most uncomfortable feeling, not knowing your own name. And poor Ben can only call me endearments.

I will be SO. very. happy. when I finally find it. It feels like a key to my soul. How can I get my inner self to respond if I can't even call her name?

I was hurting and Nimajn came to comfort me, and I asked him why he was so far away, so disconnected... at first he didn't understand. But then somehow he reached inside and his spirit just awakened... came to be with me. I could feel the difference so strongly. I don't think his spirit has ever been that awake before; it was amazing. I rested in his strength, felt truly safe. His spirit definitely has a name, and I know that name; I instinctively call him by it when I feel his spirit rise up (which is usually during sex). I want to know my spirit name, so that he can call me forth like that.

Since then I have been more in love with him than ever before; I've felt more safe with him, more trusting, more loved and loving, more sensual. Such a seemingly insignificant, intangible thing, but really quite powerful. I have the most beautiful, sexy, strong, protective (and I really mean protective, not controlling) husband ever. I am so amazingly blessed. I've been addicted to his presence in a way I've never been -- actively enjoying just being in the same room.

I was hurting and Nimajn came to comfort me, and I asked him why he was so far away, so disconnected... at first he didn't understand. But then somehow he reached inside and his spirit just awakened... came to be with me. I could feel the difference so strongly. I don't think his spirit has ever been that awake before; it was amazing. I rested in his strength, felt truly safe. His spirit definitely has a name, and I know that name; I instinctively call him by it when I feel his spirit rise up (which is usually during sex). I want to know my spirit name, so that he can call me forth like that.

Since then I have been more in love with him than ever before; I've felt more safe with him, more trusting, more loved and loving, more sensual. Such a seemingly insignificant, intangible thing, but really quite powerful. I have the most beautiful, sexy, strong, protective (and I really mean protective, not controlling) husband ever. I am so amazingly blessed. I've been addicted to his presence in a way I've never been -- actively enjoying just being in the same room.

I was hurting and Nimajn came to comfort me, and I asked him why he was so far away, so disconnected... at first he didn't understand. But then somehow he reached inside and his spirit just awakened... came to be with me. I could feel the difference so strongly. I don't think his spirit has ever been that awake before; it was amazing. I rested in his strength, felt truly safe. His spirit definitely has a name, and I know that name; I instinctively call him by it when I feel his spirit rise up (which is usually during sex). I want to know my spirit name, so that he can call me forth like that.

Since then I have been more in love with him than ever before; I've felt more safe with him, more trusting, more loved and loving, more sensual. Such a seemingly insignificant, intangible thing, but really quite powerful. I have the most beautiful, sexy, strong, protective (and I really mean protective, not controlling) husband ever. I am so amazingly blessed. I've been addicted to his presence in a way I've never been -- actively enjoying just being in the same room.

My birth name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

My birth name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

My name no longer feels like it fits me. And that's sad, because I like the name Kristen, I like the way it looks and what it means... but it doesn't fit. Ben can't call me that during sex anymore, it snaps me right out of the mood. He calls me the Edheledian word for "Dragon-rider" instead. heh.

And Belenen... is close, but it doesn't quite fit either... I'm usually so good at finding names for things, but for myself I am completely lost. There is no name that I know of that calls to my true self. 'Bel' is closest, but that is only good as a nickname, not a truename, because it is too small and simple. I love to be called 'Bel' by others, but I can't call myself that... this probably makes sense to no one but me.

I'm lost, my self is lost, and I can't find her until I know her name... that is how I feel. I need a new name. I remember when I first read Revelations, I read "to she who overcomes, I will give... a white stone with a new name written on it," and I have treasured that in my heart and longed for it ever since. And I want a new name here, because I truly am a new person, and I want to live that.

How can I translate? How can I even understand my own heart?

Patricia (my counselor) got a new name, sort of. She was never called Patricia growing up, but always bits and pieces, Patty, Tricia, Pat, etc., and when she was healed God told her that she was now a whole person, and that her name was Patricia. Many times God gave new names to people when they began their callings... Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah (from 'quarrelsome' to 'princess'!), Jacob became Israel, Hoshea became Joshua, Saul became Paul -- in the Bible a name represents the complete essence of a person and so giving a new name implies the beginning of a new life.

God gave me a nickname a few years ago, an english word that is not a name. It is the one thing that I consider too sacred to share openly. Perhaps that will change, perhaps not. But I want a name that means that adjective -- I want a name that makes me happy every time someone calls me by it, a name that reminds me of who I truly am. 'Bel' kinda does, but not quite...

P.S. I had a gorgeously fantastic evening out with my jedibubbles tonight... we went to the local coffeehouse and talked for a solid 5 hours, sitting on the green couch. Heh. I love the memories I'm making in that place. *happy*

The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

--------

It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.

The other day at bellydancing I was just so fucking clumsy and inept that I wanted to quit. I was going to go through with it anyway ('cause I can't stand being a quitter), but I had given up hope on it being fun, given up hope on being good at it. I started watching the clock hoping for class to be over.... anyway, after class I changed and went back to get my mat, and Patricia (did I mention that my counselor is also my bellydance teacher? yeah, she was a professional belly dancer for years) stopped me and told me I was doing really well -- I gave her a 'yeah, right' look and she insisted that I was, that I had improved a lot. I thought to myself, "improving from worthless to lousy isn't what I had in mind." Then she asked if I was okay, and I shook my head, so she took me in the other room and asked what was wrong.

I told her that I was upset that I couldn't do it, and tried to explain how I felt. My core, my 'true self,' the person that I am that has no name I know, the person that I was created to be, she is a dancer. She's incredible, when she dances it's felt in the spirit world. Her dancing is like praying, only more powerful... Or at least, that's what I think, that's what I hope. I can handle the idea that I am broken, and so that part of me does not work right now -- but the idea that that is not a part of me kills me. And that's my fear.

Now I know that some of my ineptitude is mere lack of training. But that's not all, I know it. There is something else holding me back -- either my body and my spirit aren't connecting right, or I simply suck at dancing. Both are incredibly painful -- but at least the first is fixable.

Patricia told me that I could come 30 minutes early and she'd work with me alone. !!! For free. And she hugged me and said she loved me.

I'm in danger of loving her, and I don't want to love her because I know I will get too attached and want to adopt her as my mother. I know I shouldn't, but my inner self doesn't give a shit about shouldn't. I never got to be a kid, I was a parent from the time I was 6 years old, and I want a parent, and I want to be a kid. Last session she tried to get me to let go and cry, she offered to hold me, and I knew it would help so much, but I couldn't. Because I would take it too much to heart.

--------

It was raining the other day, and I turned off all the lights and lay down on the floor with the front door open, watching the rain and wind and listening, breathing the soft little whirls of air... and I wished I had someone who would feel that with me, really feel it the way I was feeling it, live it. I know Kaylene would have, but I can't really imagine anyone else being able to. It made me miss her, but not in a painful way, just wistfully... I don't think anyone will ever fill the void she left in my life, and I don't want them to -- but I do want someone who can connect with me in some of the same places. Glisten, I miss you.

( Ashley amazes me )

My name for her is Alariya, (a-LAH-rree-yuh (roll the R)) which is Edheledian for "Flame." (I'll also think of her as Analariya -- "bright flame") I'll probably refer to her as Alariya here, so know that Alariya = Ashley = twinkleoffire.

Oh, and since you probably don't know, Belenen means "Star of the Waters" in Edheledian. And Edheledian is a language I'm creating for my fantasy world.

( Ashley amazes me )

My name for her is Alariya, (a-LAH-rree-yuh (roll the R)) which is Edheledian for "Flame." (I'll also think of her as Analariya -- "bright flame") I'll probably refer to her as Alariya here, so know that Alariya = Ashley = twinkleoffire.

Oh, and since you probably don't know, Belenen means "Star of the Waters" in Edheledian. And Edheledian is a language I'm creating for my fantasy world.

( Ashley amazes me )

My name for her is Alariya, (a-LAH-rree-yuh (roll the R)) which is Edheledian for "Flame." (I'll also think of her as Analariya -- "bright flame") I'll probably refer to her as Alariya here, so know that Alariya = Ashley = twinkleoffire.

Oh, and since you probably don't know, Belenen means "Star of the Waters" in Edheledian. And Edheledian is a language I'm creating for my fantasy world.

My alariya came to Wal-Mart during my shift today -- and nearly scared the excrement out of me when she snuck up behind me and hugged me as I was preoccupied with a customer. My thoughts went "AAH! oh, elya -- no, too curvy, too short -- oh, Ashley!" 'cause elya (Nimajn's twin) works at Wal-Mart and sometimes we do that to each other, but she's really tall and slender, like Nimajn. Anyway.

So I spent my tiny little break (I think I'm the only one who actually takes 15-minute 15s) with Ashley and her Kevin, and Ashley petted me the whole time. *sigh* She definitely needs to drop this notion of being a teacher and be a massage therapist instead. I felt so loved that she went way out of her way just to see me for a few minutes, and even more loved that she petted me. It totally soothed my ruffled spirit, made me feel loved and cherished.

She's away from LJ 'cause a storm killed her ethernet card, in case anyone was wondering. I know she's adopted a few of you from my friends list, and she'll probably end up adopting a few more 'cause I talk about you. (It doesn't mean I don't talk about you if she doesn't add you, of course.)

I've been trying to come up with a good name for me to call her... I kinda like Ashy but I think it sounds a little too silly. ( the ones I'm considering )

Oh yeah, and check out the awesome thing I did in my layout (scroll down a bit and look at the sidebar) -- I added links to a bunch of your journals, arranged in an artistic shape (otherwise no particular order).

My alariya came to Wal-Mart during my shift today -- and nearly scared the excrement out of me when she snuck up behind me and hugged me as I was preoccupied with a customer. My thoughts went "AAH! oh, elya -- no, too curvy, too short -- oh, Ashley!" 'cause elya (Nimajn's twin) works at Wal-Mart and sometimes we do that to each other, but she's really tall and slender, like Nimajn. Anyway.

So I spent my tiny little break (I think I'm the only one who actually takes 15-minute 15s) with Ashley and her Kevin, and Ashley petted me the whole time. *sigh* She definitely needs to drop this notion of being a teacher and be a massage therapist instead. I felt so loved that she went way out of her way just to see me for a few minutes, and even more loved that she petted me. It totally soothed my ruffled spirit, made me feel loved and cherished.

She's away from LJ 'cause a storm killed her ethernet card, in case anyone was wondering. I know she's adopted a few of you from my friends list, and she'll probably end up adopting a few more 'cause I talk about you. (It doesn't mean I don't talk about you if she doesn't add you, of course.)

I've been trying to come up with a good name for me to call her... I kinda like Ashy but I think it sounds a little too silly. ( the ones I'm considering )

Oh yeah, and check out the awesome thing I did in my layout (scroll down a bit and look at the sidebar) -- I added links to a bunch of your journals, arranged in an artistic shape (otherwise no particular order).

My alariya came to Wal-Mart during my shift today -- and nearly scared the excrement out of me when she snuck up behind me and hugged me as I was preoccupied with a customer. My thoughts went "AAH! oh, elya -- no, too curvy, too short -- oh, Ashley!" 'cause elya (Nimajn's twin) works at Wal-Mart and sometimes we do that to each other, but she's really tall and slender, like Nimajn. Anyway.

So I spent my tiny little break (I think I'm the only one who actually takes 15-minute 15s) with Ashley and her Kevin, and Ashley petted me the whole time. *sigh* She definitely needs to drop this notion of being a teacher and be a massage therapist instead. I felt so loved that she went way out of her way just to see me for a few minutes, and even more loved that she petted me. It totally soothed my ruffled spirit, made me feel loved and cherished.

She's away from LJ 'cause a storm killed her ethernet card, in case anyone was wondering. I know she's adopted a few of you from my friends list, and she'll probably end up adopting a few more 'cause I talk about you. (It doesn't mean I don't talk about you if she doesn't add you, of course.)

I've been trying to come up with a good Kristen-name for me to call her... I kinda like Ashy but I think it sounds a little too silly. ( the ones I'm considering )

Oh yeah, and check out the awesome thing I did in my layout (scroll down a bit and look at the sidebar) -- I added links to a bunch of your journals, arranged in an artistic shape (otherwise no particular order).

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and mayana will read this, but that's okay. I decided to give nicknames (of a sort) to my close friends. These are highly personal to me, as they mean everything I love about you. I probably won't ever use them audibly unless I'm feeling extraordinarily affectionate; I'll just use them mentally.

Kaylene -- Glisten
Allison -- Sparkle
Rebecca -- Glow
elya -- Shine
Kristen -- Blaze

This is the way I see your spirit: it may change, and if so your from-kristen-name will change. Please only reply if you think yours is appropriate, 'cause if it's not right, my perception will change anyway.

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and mayana will read this, but that's okay. I decided to give nicknames (of a sort) to my close friends. These are highly personal to me, as they mean everything I love about you. I probably won't ever use them audibly unless I'm feeling extraordinarily affectionate; I'll just use them mentally.

Kaylene -- Glisten
Allison -- Sparkle
Rebecca -- Glow
elya -- Shine
Kristen -- Blaze

This is the way I see your spirit: it may change, and if so your from-kristen-name will change. Please only reply if you think yours is appropriate, 'cause if it's not right, my perception will change anyway.

Hi.

Okay. jedibubbles and mayana will read this, but that's okay. I decided to give nicknames (of a sort) to my close friends. These are highly personal to me, as they mean everything I love about you. I probably won't ever use them audibly unless I'm feeling extraordinarily affectionate; I'll just use them mentally.

Kaylene -- Glisten
Allison -- Sparkle
Rebecca -- Glow
elya -- Shine
Kristen -- Blaze

This is the way I see your spirit: it may change, and if so your from-kristen-name will change. Please only reply if you think yours is appropriate, 'cause if it's not right, my perception will change anyway.

Talked to Spencer and Paula about renting a room from them... they said they'd have to find out about legal stuff, to make sure nothing interfered with their part-custody of William, and they of course wanted to pray about it... I know I'll be prayin' really hard about the custody thing!

I improved the "writing" page of my homepage.

Oh yeah, and I have to write a 4-page short story for class at 2:00 day after tomorrow. I'm scared and worried, though he said he's not a picky grader... we'll see about that!

And God told me today that the reason I can't get the word "shimmer" out of my head is because it's His nickname for me. That's an awesome milestone for me, because five years ago, the thing that sparked my desire for a friendship with him was jealousy over his having a nickname for Rebecca. SO YAY! And what I mean by "can't get it out of my head" -- I've been writing the word everywhere, and thinking it constantly, all without consciously wondering why. God's so weird. He's where I get mine from, after all.