I neverever do this but I talked to Hannah for the first time in months and months today and so I'm sharing some of our profound wisdom with youuuu :D :D :D

( bits of HANNAHBEL CONVERSATIONZZZZZZZ )

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

I've lived in and around this area for the past six years, but have never really put down roots in a community sense (with the land, I am rooted). That's starting to change but before I go into that I want to explore the reasons that it hasn't happened before.

( the history )

After going through the hard parts of recovery (the agoraphobia/paranoia), it became really difficult for me to be around people. I'm not sure why -- maybe because part of me opened up and I sensed things that I had been closed to before -- but it really drained me, no matter how much I liked the person. To put it another way, being around a person took 100 points of energy, but most interactions only gave me about 30 points of energy. So unless it was a truly miraculous meeting, one where absolutely EVERYTHING clicked and I felt that the person and I had mutual affection, trust, understanding, and motivations AND felt sure that we were building a relationship which would last (an experience that most people would describe as 'meeting your soulmate'), it ended up draining me a lot and making it an experience that I feared and dreaded, even though it WAS enjoyable. (even the miraculous meetings drained me, just not as much) So in 2007 when I was looking for new local friends I would meet someone and it would be fun, but it would drain me and I just wouldn't feel like it was worth the effort of doing again.

But 2008 changed that. While being flooded with so much energy from all the miraculous happenings of that year, a void in me that had existed for as long as I can remember was finally filled and I was able to learn how to better use that energy. It's like I was growing in drought for so long, and then I finally had a fully nourishing year -- now I have a much more effective root system and can draw water in even though I am in a mild drought again. And now it only takes me 50 points of energy to be around a person, so I can enjoy interactions that are just good or great (not miraculous) without feeling utterly drained afterward. (usually there is still a gap which makes it more draining than nourishing (since I find sexism very draining and almost everyone is sexist), but it's a small gap now and I can pretty easily make up for it)

It was a really big deal for me to go to the pagan meeting a few weeks ago -- to go out alone to a new place, at night, where I would know only one person, and knew that I would be driving home alone in the cold and dark through a part of town that I'm not familiar with. And it was a little scary, but not terrifying, and it took effort, but not a debilitating amount -- and I felt REFRESHED afterward rather than drained. It was an even BIGGER deal for me to go to the drum circle -- because I invited two people (one a near-stranger), organized it, and followed through, including driving to a new place, EVEN THOUGH I didn't feel good. It used to be that I would want to do something, but wouldn't make plans -- and then when I did make plans, would stress out so much that I got physically ill and then used that as a reason to back out. This time I went through with it even though I was on the first day of my period (when I usually never leave the house). And that was life-alteringly wonderful!

I'm so thrilled that these things don't take SO MUCH from me nowadays. (it's still difficult -- still a stretch -- but not prohibitively so) Even if I end up transplanted soon, I'm going to put down some community roots here, because I can, finally, and because I will be back.

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

"Phoenix" by Richard Powers:



After 2007, a year I called "waiting in dim light," 2008 was a year of incredible exploration and growth! Like the phoenix dying, I suffered through the beginning of the year, and like the phoenix reborn, in a short time my life just EXPLODED into a firework display of astoundingly intense experiences. Looking over this year in order to write it up, I realized that just the bare summaries of everything make for a intense read. In fact, I can hardly believe that all this happened in the same year.

I intended to make this year the year of risk-taking, the year in which I sought to build my physical fearlessness. Instead, it was the year of faith-building, and I built my spiritual fearlessness, which I hadn't even realized was something I could grow in. Through my relationship/connection with Aurilion, my oh-so-brief triads with Aurilion & Hannah and then Hannah & Nick (both of which lasted a day), reading The Secret Life of Plants, A Door Into Ocean, Talks With Trees, and several Michael Roads books, experiencing connection with myself, with trees, and with people in a way far deeper than ever before, learning to believe in myself... there is far too much to sum up, even. It's like the entire universe conspired to bring my spirituality from tentative theory into wild bold practice! and whyyyyy might that be? read this -- "Thank you God/dess for so many wonderful gifts this year! It has been the best of my life so far! So much growth and love and newness ♥ I know you more in all your forms. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and sending me myriad encouraging messages. Thank you for telling me some of your Names. Thank you for enlightening me and guiding me, and most of all for showing me so much love!" all of that happened. I got chills when I re-read it, writing this. And I wrote it originally in an almost-silly frame of mind, trying to come up with the most effusive stuff -- but writing it opened up the door for all that to flood into my life. and. it. did. I rather blushingly included finding a girlfriend/having new lovers, without having even the slightest possibilities in mind, and -- it happened! Yet another astoundingly faith-building happening, on top of all the others. And yet I feel like I've just begun believing. I don't yet know what my goal for 2009 will be but I know I'll be writing another gratitude-in-advance letter!

in 2007's summary I said "I want to come out of [2008] feeling like I have a handful of jewels, not just three or four." haha! Now I laugh at how puny a handful is compared to the arms-full-and-running-over that it turned out to be.

( important events in 2008, tenses go a bit haywire, sorry )

Aurilion's visit was AMAZING and I can't wait to share photos & thoughts on it, but something unrelated has happened which is... very strange and unexpected, and I want to try and write about it.

( I've been feeling a disconnectedness from Hannah )

Aurilion's visit was AMAZING and I can't wait to share photos & thoughts on it, but something unrelated has happened which is... very strange and unexpected, and I want to try and write about it.

( I've been feeling a disconnectedness from Hannah )

Aurilion's visit was AMAZING and I can't wait to share photos & thoughts on it, but something unrelated has happened which is... very strange and unexpected, and I want to try and write about it.

( I've been feeling a disconnectedness from Hannah )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

I opened up spiritually in so many ways, this visit. I think that being around two open people who resonated closely with me made me so much more aware, and gave me so much faith. If I felt something, usually they felt it too; if I spoke about spiritual things they took a profound interest. I'd never experienced that before (the visit with Aurilion was similar but ze shared a lot more than I did, as I was kinda overwhelmed and used to being the listener) and it helped me to feel comfortable exploring spiritual things. My heart really opened up (and my heart is where I feel my tree-connection to be).

I also, by divine design, was reading "The Secret Life of Plants" and realizing that so much of what I have sensed spiritually is scientifically provable. Plants have sensation. They not only respond when someone harms them, they respond to thoughts, as well as to the experiences of plants near them. ( amazing facts from the book ) I'm only halfway through the book now and it has wildly changed my life. (and I have become even more convinced that eventually science and spirit will harmonize) Why was I ordered to poke around in dead pig fetuses and cut up live frogs (both of which I refused to do, to the chagrin of my lab partner) rather than learning this incredibly vital truth about our world? This book has been around for over three decades! And yet I have NEVER heard ANYONE discuss the FACT that plants do feel -- and react to thoughts and feelings of humans (and the feelings, at least, of animals and plants)!

Thanks to that book, my logic is rejoicing that at last it can dance in harmony with my spirit. And I have so much more faith that if I feel something as true in my spirit, I will find the facts to match it.

I also met several trees in Scotland that I connected with in beautiful ways. One was a black willow (one of my favorite trees) near Hannah's apartment -- it was so large and strong, it fairly glowed with health. In Anstruther, there were three sugar maples in a cemetery that radiated the most amazing energy -- we were walking by and before I even saw them, my heart leaped! I looked up to see what was so wonderful (we were passing by on a lower level street with a wall between) and felt such kinship when I laid eyes on them. All three were loving but the one that I connected with the most was the center one, which was shaped like a less-exaggerated version of the Hercules tree I dreamed about. Also in Anstruther, there was a many-trunked tree (a type which I have not been able to identify) -- upon seeing it I immediately darted over and hugged and kissed it! It had such a sense of joy and wildness about it. And I also met the stump of a tree that had been cut down for disease -- but it was growing new shoots! it did not die! I really loved sitting/standing on it and being in the space where it had stood. There were two others in the Botanic Gardens but I'll save those for a post on that day.



( photos of me and the trees )

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

Last night I had this strange and epic dream about faeries, complete with intricate mythology! The two fae (who bore strong resemblance to my plant-fae-sims Kalana and Shayara) and I went about a rescue of a third fae who was enslaved. Ze was trapped even though they have the ability to teleport, because plastic decreases their abilities and there was plastic in the walls/roof of the building. But I had been to the fae-world and so I had some of their powers, and together we were able to break the third one free. Then we had to find a place to sleep to restore our strength before finding a natural lake in which we could create a portal to their world. The portal was created by whirling the water and flying down into the bowl created by the whirlpool, then letting the whirlpool collapse as magic words were said. (how cool is that?)

( In other scenes of the same dream )

( and a really gross dream )

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

Just diving in...

One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

( I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )

I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

I'm back! and no this is not a photo post of the trip, it's entirely me. Because I got violet put in my hair a few days before leaving and it looked amazing, and throughout the trip it turned increasingly... blonde. (*eek* blonde ≠ true-bel-look) So you have to see it as it was meant to be first ;-)

( violet haired Bel )

Obviously this visit is going to take many posts, but I'll give you the smallest smattering of thoughts to open it up:

--felt joy far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--felt pain far beyond anything I have ever experienced
--met a ghost (which shocked me as I didn't believe in them!)
--met a demonic presence / negative spirit
--discovered a totem of mine
--experienced miracles
--got rained on quite a bit
--missed many buses and a train, took a $220 taxi ride
--drank more alcohol in 3 weeks than the sum of what I'd drunk in my entire life.
--took many gigs of photos, including black & white nudes
--found two dead birds (separately)
--visited two countries and 6 airports
--met two LJ friends, one of whom I'd known for 3.5 years!
--met several amazing trees
--had thousands of kisses and hundreds of cuddles

overall, the most growth-inducing, wonderful, dreadful, fantastic, wounding, healing, magical time of my life. I feel I have completely metamorphosed at least twice on this trip, and I am so far beyond my month-younger self. And my partner my partner has metamorphosed while I was gone, also... my life is so completely different. I lost so much fear and discovered SO MUCH! I learned such an incredible amount. My hands are full, overflowing, and dripping with jewels... I'm surrounded by the most incredible beauty.

I missed you loveys! I tried to keep up somewhat with reading but I have missed a lot. Tell me whatcha been up to!

(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

(  - John Mayer: Clarity -  )

I came across John Mayer's "Clarity" on my last.fm radio and I have been listening to it over and over. It fits my life perfectly at the moment, especially the seemingly unrelated title. Clarity. yes!

It has been nearly six weeks since I began falling in love with Aurilion (Lily, who has grown into zir true name) and Hannah. It's really amazing. I've been experiencing so many deep revelations, and above all, so much clarity! For a while it seemed every single post I made was some monumental exploration and expression, to the point where I got a little overwhelmed by it. Polyamory, gender, spirit-heart-soul-mind-body, deciding to change to gender-neutral pronouns, the story of Aurilion and I and Hannah and I, the stories people carry in them, characters in the story of my life, my tribe -- all in one month! And all of those posts were a big deal for me. I mean, most of what I post about is important to me, but each of these were... pivotal moments (I'm spinning! ;-)). And that's maybe half of what has been really happening within. *deep sigh*

At the beginning there was such a heady rush! So thrilling! and now it is deeper, more intense, so much more REAL, as Aurilion keeps saying. Like a delicious meal when you are very hungry -- the first bite is the most flavorful, but the real enjoyment sets in when the pang in your belly has eased and you slow to savor everything. (for me anyway) I think I fall in love fast and slow... the shields of my heart drop immediately but forming the cords that entwine with other hearts is a slow process. And oh, so lush, like a dance. I enjoy every twist and oh, the blending! *shivers*

I have changed my journal title and subtitle. ( the old title/subtitle ) My new title/subtitle is "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." This refers to a proverb in my favorite book, Biting the Sun by Tanith Lee -- don't bite the sun, Traveler, you will burn your mouth. The unnamed narrator does 'bite at the sun,' stepping out of the bounds of zir society. The subtitle is a reminder to myself that only in crossing boundaries (self- or other- imposed) do I ever experience that which is truly extraordinary. Risk of pain surrounds all that which is sweetest, and to truly embrace those things I must also embrace that risk. this is the year of risk-taking!

When I fall in love with someone, I have always fixated on whether or not they will love me and be there for me forever. This time, I'm beginning something new with two people I have already loved and lost once; I know it is possible that they will cease to be part of my life. But I feel fully aware that the connection remains even if the relationship is not active, and that every moment spent in active relationship is priceless. If it ends, I will feel a dreadful loss, but more than that loss I will feel the gift of what was, and the surety that we will be reunited (even if not in this life). I don't feel worry or fear! I feel that I am drinking in every moment with utter gratitude.

and I will wait to find
if this will last forever

These are the characters in the story of my life:

( from 2008 )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

(NEEDS UPDATING)

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

These are the characters in the story of my life:

my partner aka frenetik -- partner, soulfriend, lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion aka aurilion -- lover, heart-kin.
lil sis -- younger sister, soul-kin.
Kate aka clown_frog -- deep friend.
Kat aka kmiotutsie -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Nea aka acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
Hannah aka shioneh -- friend, spirit-kin.
Nick aka aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin.
Ava aka mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka earthy_goddess -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- mentors
Gabe -- spiritual brother
SabR aka sabr -- good friend
Kazi aka malignlibra -- friend
elya -- sister-in-law, friend
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend
my partner's family -- my family-in-law
biofamily -- my biological family

( photos, descriptions, and history )

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

Time for massive revelations -- it has been such a crazy few weeks. Where the heaven to begin?

( a little backstory )

In February, Aurilion (aurilion) commented on my journal and I responded saying that I would be willing to begin a friendship again anytime. Ze re-friended me and we started emailing back and forth, and a month later ze proposed a romantic relationship. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled at the idea, and spent a few days talking to my partner and Hannah before deciding to take this risk and begin an amazing new journey.

About a week after Aurilion proposed this, Hannah (shioneh) let me know that ze had realized ze was polyamorous, and was also interested in a romantic relationship with me! I was laughing at the amazing amount of newness in my life, but I felt ready for it, so I agreed to explore that with zir also. A few days after THAT, Aurilion told Hannah that ze was interested in ZIR. Hannah wasn't sure if ze was ready for that, having just realized zir identity as polyamorous and not having had a lot of time to process, but for a few days while ze and zir partner Nick discussed it, Aurilion and Hannah and I experienced a triad of sorts. The energy was beyond amazing, and we all felt the incredible rightness of it, but Hannah realized that it wasn't the right time for zir, that an additional relationship would move zir beyond what ze could handle. Aurilion understood, and so at this point they are both with me but not with each other, and we all have a deep friendship together. I do feel that we will have a romantic triad at some point in the future but I don't know when.

A little after this, Ashley (Aurilion's ex, my former friend) contacted Aurilion again, ( ... )

Also, somewhere in there I start talking to Ava pretty much every day, which is just as earth-shattering a development as the other things (in a different way) because ze is my spirit-kin. I feel that I have a vivid violet spirit and I feel that ze has a violet spirit also, a little deeper in tone. I feel an intensely strong tie to zir; ze is one of my eternal connections.

And what does my partner think of all this? Ze is pretty relaxed about it, overall. At first ze was rather uncertain, because ze doesn't know Aurilion, but after the initial discussions ze became more comfortable with it. Since then, we've experienced SUCH rapid and beautiful growth in our relationship, because I am filled with all this extra love energy and naturally I share it with zir. The other night we had this... incredible breakthrough in something that had been a hidden issue for years. It was one of those seemingly small things that festers when one tries to ignore it -- and wow, the difference now! (dunno if ze would be comfortable with me sharing it so I won't) Ze gave me cuddles today, of zir own idea (which is very unusual!). :D

( so much incredible change... as I affirmed! )

I have felt unable to post about this until now because ( ... )

And how I feel about all this... wow. Awed, and grateful beyond measure... filled with renewed faith and joy and love and hope! I have all these beautiful new realizations, and I have been learning SO MUCH. I feel sooo alive! so -- blessed, and cherished, and love. And I'm so, so in love with my amazing girlfriends *thrills* (I have girlfriends!) Aurilion is helping me to awaken all the dormant parts of my heart, and Hannah is helping me to shine out again... really, both of them build my faith with every word we share. And I'm seeing these amazing changes in them also... such strength and beauty and glowing growth. It's almost overwhelming -- it's ocean waves of joy and magic, not enough to drag me under but just enough to toss me around playfully. It's watching a sapling put forth bright spring leaves, so delicate yet so fast! It's the unfolding of sweetest mimosa blossoms, a flurry of tendrils dancing in every chance wind. Oh God/dess! I'm so happy. I'll go more into the experience of our connections in later posts. ♥

And Aurilion is coming to visit me in 21 days! And I go to see Hannah in 43 days! (when I started writing this the numbers were 22 and 44 ♥)

palm to palm, open
just touching, not holding; we
trust this connection

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I am in awe of life right now. Total and complete fucking awe. My life is richer than cheesecake, I can hardly stomach it! I am absolutely the most blessed, loved, doted-on-by-deity person that there ever is, was, or will be! I am SOOOOO happy, SO happy, SO SO SO filled with JOY!

I feel like I suddenly got pregnant and gave birth, all in a few days, and then two days later it happened again! and now I feel pregnant again. (not literally) Now I have all these newborn fae creations, all this life, all this love, floods and floods of joy joy joy. So much! I am absolutely overwhelmed, in the best way. Oh, how can life be so beautiful? how can I be so... blessed? How can this be? How can this be?

Oh God/dess, oh Nut, oh Jesus, oh Ma'at, oh life, how can you love me so much? how can you bless me so much? How can I be so cherished?

I have cried with joy almost every day for the past week. Is it any wonder I cannot express this? I marvel at how I manage not to explode -- how can one person hold so much joy and love and faith and hope? such gratitude.

I'm not yet ready to explain, but I will tell you what I believe opened the way for this love-joy to enter my life. Here is ( my affirmation )

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

I've felt so blocked for the past week! I think it may be because I was on a weird schedule (for me) -- going to bed at like 7 or 8 pm and getting up 12 hours later. (I'm actually able to write now since it's past midnight. I am a daughter of the Night!) and I am frustrated because I've been trying to reply to comments but I keep stalling out, and I don't want to get more behind! I know you would forgive me but it bothers me to leave comments unacknowledged.

anyway. I went and applied for the passport, which was so much easier than I thought it would be. I felt very brave, driving to a new place all alone and handling it all without too much stressing out. I talked to strangers comfortably as I waited in line, and then chatted with the (friendly!) lady who handled my application. Yay me! *applauds self*

I've also been decorating myself more -- I went and bought a ton of scarves from goodwill to use as head & hip scarves, and I've been buying makeup here and there. I found this amazing shimmery sheer shadow that works PERFECTLY for my under-eye decoration. I have very thin skin under my eyes and no matter how much sleep I get or how healthy I am, I always have purple there. I used to try to hide it with concealer, but since I no longer believe in concealer I have accepted my purple shadows as part of my face and decorate them instead of trying to hide them. They're now one of my favorite features! With shimmery shadow to highlight them, they make me look quite fey. ( see? )

Also! Hannah's last package finally showed up yesterday so we got on the phone and had a present-opening festival (her b-day is 8 days from mine). We both took photos of our presents 'cause we're like that XD.

( presents from hannahface )

She loved the presents I got her too :D I got her something glow-in-the-dark too, and toys, and a CD, heh -- theme? ;-) We're such wild little children. Every day that passes I get a little more excited about seeing her again. And Nick-n-Kate-n-Meliae! eeeeeeee!!! *hyperhophop*

I want to post about my spirituality -- I keep wanting to, mentally composing entries, and then not doing it. I don't know why! Maybe because I don't fit into any one religion (or even two) so sharing it publicly might make me feel more aware of my aloneness? Maybe because there is just so MUCH and I don't know where to start? I dunno. But that's one of my goals so I hope to get started soon. if you'd be interested, please let me know because I think that would help to motivate me (thanks ever so much a_singularity for your questions! they gave me a good head start on a post).

I made up a little flyer and posted it on the church bulletin board, hoping to find more people around and maybe start a weekly get-together to discuss our similarities/differences/new-thoughts. I've had one person contact me so far, I responded but haven't heard back yet. Hope this works out better than meetup! ;-)

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

( the tickets have been bought! )

I go tomorrow morning to get my passport. *eeeeek!* I find this very very scary, but "ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" -- Marilyn Ferguson. Somebody pinch me? am I really going on such a long journey alone? wow. Going so far away from my safety net is scary enough. Add in staying with Hannah and Nick, meeting Kate and Meliae... this is insanely thrilling and nerve-wracking. *shiver*

This risk-taking thing hasn't brought many external changes yet, but it has brought on a radical internal shift. Instead of seeing fears as walls to be accepted and ignored, I see them as doors, locked (to be picked open) or just stuck (to be broken down). I'm much more aware of my opportunities, more appreciative. I like this new evolution.

please send me calming energy if you can, I need to get up early and I'm worried that I won't be able to sleep for fear of missing the appointment *is insane*

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain

yesterday Hannah and I had this amazing conversation... We had never really talked about the stuff that happened during her visit, and somehow the topic came up. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with all of this pain which I had tried to explain away, but which of course had never really been dealt with. I felt so terrified and despairing, seeing all of these blocks between us that seemed impossible to remove. We discussed it and realized that one of the biggest hurts for me was caused by a misunderstanding: one simple word which we both understood to mean something completely different. Realizing this was such a huge relief, such a huge step towards closing the gap between us. Before this conversation, I was closing my eyes and taking a leap of faith in planning to visit her; now I'm still taking a leap of faith, but I have opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of where I will land. I feel very encouraged and much more sure that this is the right choice.

Next time I'm clashing with someone, I very much hope I remember to check definitions -- language is such a clumsy thing. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. -- Mark Twain