For most people in the U.S., being able to order food and other necessities online is an important part of modern life, where there is never enough time. But for people with visual, cognitive, and/or motor disabilities this can be almost impossible because many merchants design their sites exclusively for non-disabled users. This is true despite the fact that disabled people are a higher percent of internet users than they are in the general population.

It is obvious to anyone in the U.S. that websites which sell goods or services are as much a place of public accommodation as any brick-and-mortar store, so you might think that this sort of discrimination is illegal. But because the Americans with Disabilities Act was written almost 30 years ago, it does not specify any application to online services. So for many years, companies who wanted to exclude people with disabilities were able to get court cases thrown out for "lack of due process" -- that is, they argued that because the government didn't define how to make websites accessible, companies shouldn't be prosecuted for excluding people with disabilities.

Until fall of 2017, this "due process" argument worked, because the federal government was supposedly in the process of developing guidelines. But then the Department of Justice announced that they would not be creating them after all (official notification from the D O J), which put the responsibility for figuring out accessibility back on the people running websites. (cielo24.com has lay-person explanations about the meaning and impact of that notice: readable explanation of D O J notification) Considering that the internet is constantly evolving while laws are comparatively static, it makes far more sense this way.

So finally, people with disabilities began winning lawsuits about website accessibility because the "due process" argument no longer worked. In January of this year, a huge victory came about through a federal circuit court, who ruled that Domino's should in fact have to make their site accessible. (The Viscardi Center offers a good summary of that case) The court said that a lack of federal guidelines is no excuse when there are free, public resources on the topic, and no federal guidelines are forthcoming. The World Wide Web Consortium's Web Accessibility Initiative has been publishing up-to-date, highly specific guidelines since 1999: this free resource has been available for 20 years.

Since the circuit court decision on Domino's, there have been a slew of class-action lawsuits against industries (like 75 galleries sued in New York, or 38 wineries sued, also in New York), as well as against individual companies. Many of the owners and leaders of these companies have whined about how they should have been given more time (30 years wasn't enough?), or how they just can't afford to make their sites accessible. Shockingly, none have them seem to have have gone out of business after being forced by the courts to remediate their sites.

In an interesting turn, Kroger was sued for an inaccessible website, but they had already been in the process of making a new, accessible site. By the time the case went to court, all of the claimant's issues had been addressed and the case was dismissed as moot. (Bryan Cave Leighton Paisner law explains that case) A company with all of their thousands of products for each of their thousands of locations listed on their website and their app managed to make their online services accessible within a year, proving just how attainable basic accessibility is.

Right now, Domino's is trying to get the Supreme Court to overturn the federal district court's decision. If they manage to get it accepted as worthy of the Supreme Court's time, this would be a resolution to the question of whether or not the A D A applies to online services. I'm hoping that the Supreme Court decides not to entertain it yet, so that we can offer more concrete evidence that the district court's decision was for the good of the public. Alternatively, I hope they do entertain it and agree with the circuit court. I'm going to be holding my breath a little bit until the Domino's case is resolved.

if I'm expressing some bad feeling, the two responses that help me the most are:

1) expressing specific positive feelings about me or
2) telling me about how you relate (without assuming that your solution would work for me)

So, if you say something like "I relate to this because [describe experience and feelings about it]," that feels like you are engaging with my experience without assuming that you fully understand my situation. It gives me room to explain without having to correct assumptions -- and there are almost always factors that I haven't mentioned because when I am upset, I am not as thorough in my explanations.

If you share your experience without making a conclusion about mine, that gives me the chance to comfortably apply your wisdom or reject it as not applying to me. If it is your experience you can't be wrong: but if you assume that our similar experiences are the same and so your solution will work for me, you *can* be wrong.

(this is an edited post from 4 years ago)


September 24, 2015 at 1:45 PM

A thought I shared recently which would be helpful broadly: if I'm expressing some bad feeling, the thing that helps me the most is when people express positive feelings about me or tell me about how they have felt the same.

So, if you expressed this as something like "I felt similarly in [situation] and here is what I did" without applying it to me, that gives me the chance to apply your wisdom or reject it as not applying to me, without having to tell you that you are wrong. If it is your experience you can't be wrong: but if you go ahead and apply it to me you can be wrong. There are almost always factors that I haven't mentioned because when I am upset, I am not as thorough in my explanations.

[Poll #2095723]

Once when I was very young, my grandfather was reading me a book about Madeline, an orphan who sneakily adopts a stray dog. As he read, I would point to the dog in each scene and ask "what's that?" When he got to the most complex page in the book, a park filled with dogs, he preempted my questions and just said "dog dog dog dog dog dog dog."

My dad loved to tell this story, but told it as a story that illustrated my grandfather. I think it illustrated one of my core traits: curiosity. I could tell that the four legged creatures were all probably dogs, but I wanted to be sure I was interpreting it correctly. I didn't want to miss a chance to learn something new. As an adult, I refuse to make assumptions that most people consider "close enough" to the truth, and my habit of suspending judgement makes it easy for me to adjust my thinking whenever I am wrong.

Curiosity is my strongest motivation by far. I don't have much drive for physical pleasures like food or sex, but there hardly exists a non-numeric fact that I don't care to learn. (Numeric facts are their own thing because I have difficulty comprehending them)

I am so incredibly lucky because part of my job involves me reading bits and pieces on literally every subject. I learn about everything from microbiology to astronomy to exercise science to audiology and beyond. (The downside is that my job is very mentally demanding and I often have no energy left for thinking when I get home)

I find people fascinating in direct proportion to how many new thoughts they can evoke in me. This can come from them asking questions about something I said, or from them talking about life experience they have that I don't, or from them talking about their similar life experiences in a thoughtful or analytical way. The most fascinating people to me are the ones that constantly seek to learn and grow, because then they always can evoke new thoughts in me.

My curiosity drive has most often been focused on my own mind and emotions, because they have the largest impact on my life. In my self-examinations, I have learned that I am:

ADHD and otherwise neurodivergent, with CAPD;
a non-binary trans person, with no gender;
queer;
demisexual;
fat and proud;
kinky;
a relationship anarchist;
a Southerner and ATLien;
a tree-hugger;
a social justice activist;
a communalist;
a consent advocate;
a creativity catalyst;
an atheist;
an eco-vegetarian;
an artist;
a coffee clergyperson;
a growth-seeker;
a content creator;
a critical analyst; and
a writer.

I was at the grocery store today, as per usual with my arms overfilled, and bent down inside the glass-front fridge to get a bottle of cream. I was expecting the door to fall on my shoulder as I had let it go, but a stranger caught it. I stood up and flashed a brief smile, walking away as the person continued to hold the door.

I expected them to get something after I was out of the way, but they let it fall and started to walk away. I realized my mistake and said "oh! Thank you! I thought you were getting something." And they said "I just didn't want it to hit you." I think we smiled at each other but my memory stops there because I was distracted by my surprise.

It was such a sweet moment of kindness and it made me feel recognized as a valid human being (whereas most strangers look through me and expect me to step around them, or they stare). It felt good for a stranger to take that risk just to make a tiny moment a little more pleasant for me. And it felt pure because when I said nothing, they said nothing, so I didn't feel obligated by their kindness. When I looked at them as they held the door, their expression was neutral, and I felt safe in their lack of expectation.

Thank you stranger, for offering me that small kindness. It was a moment of true joy.

I'm gonna do LJ Idol again! Indie has been helping me motivate to write by trading prompts with me that we both write on, but this would be very helpful too!

You can join too if you want, just sign up at the link!

Prompt from Indie: Are you a morning person, a night owl, or both? Explain why and what you enjoy doing in the morning and/or nighttime.

I've never been a morning person. It doesn't matter if I have gotten up at 6am every morning for a week, if I have the chance to sleep in, I will stay in bed until 10:30 a.m. at the *earliest.* My best schedule is waking up at 11 a.m. and going to sleep at 3 a.m..

I have learned that while I am always tempted to stay up later and get up later, getting up any later than 1:30 p.m. or going to bed any later than 3:30 a.m. is a really bad idea for me. If I get up that late, I will miss too much sunlight and it will make me feel wilted and depressed -- especially in the winter. And if I go to bed later than 3:30, any time after that is wasted time. My ADHD goes haywire and I can't get anything done, and even doing brain-rest things stops being restorative because I can't focus.

I think the decreased stimulation at night is why I like being awake then. There is less ambient noise from outside, less mental noise from people doing things, less visual noise because it's darker.

I would enjoy being up early if I ever got enough sleep, but I can't ever go to bed on time because there literally isn't enough time in the day for me to decompress. I'm hoping that I struggle less with this after I move, when I will have a much shorter commute.

Speaking of which, I realized recently that for the past 7 years, I have basically been living in 2 houses -- mine and Topaz'. I have two toothbrushes, pillows, phone chargers, etc, because I have spent at least 2 nights a week at their place for so long. I didn't realize how much back-burner stress this caused me until I started thinking about what a relief it will be once I am moved.

To not have to wonder where my stuff is or pack and carry sets of clothes. To not have to worry every weekend that something terrible may happen to my cat and I wouldn't know until it is too late. To be able to have a smoothie on the weekends! To not have to try to remember which house I actually have food in. To not have that stress of having to remember all the things when I leave in the morning.

To not have to choose between dinner with Topaz or sleeping in my own bed. To not have to choose between spending the weekend with Topaz or by myself, because it will be easy to mix it up. To not have to choose between getting to have friends in my space or getting to spend time with Topaz. To not have to choose between tidying my living space or spending time with Topaz.

Really hoping that the lifting of these stresses will have a noticable effect. I'm certainly less stressed than I was last year, but I still am barely functional in so many ways.

A myth about demisexual people that I wish would go away:
"Demisexual people don't like sex as much, or don't want it often."

I enjoy sex very much and sometimes I want it very often. Not wanting sex often or not enjoying it much is called low sex drive, and demisexual people can experience this just like allosexual people can experience it. But it is not a part of being demisexual, because being demisexual is about how sexual attraction or desire is created, not about intensity or frequency.

Sexual desire for me does not come from being attracted aesthetically (looks) or mentally (personality, interests). For me, sexual desire is created via conscious choice. I only have sexual desire for someone if I decide to: it's like a switch that I flip in my brain.

There are a number of factors that go into whether or not I flip that switch, but the key one is knowing that they are sexually interested in me. And when I say knowing, I don't mean guessing -- I mean they explicitly told me. This can make it complicated when the other person also needs an explicit statement, but I can know that I want to *try* it and then we can figure out if we want to do more.

Since most people are not explicit about being sexually interested in me unless we are intimate, I have very rarely had sex with people I wasn't emotionally intimate with. But on the occasions I did, I enjoyed it then too, and I'd like to do it again.

my sex drive

When I have a partner whom I have a sexual dynamic with and feel nourished by (and I don't have a depressive crisis going on), my sex drive is above average. I think about having sex with my partner at least once every day that I spend time with them.

If they are a strong initiator, I will probably have sex or sexy time (which is what I call sex that is brief or non-intense) with them more days than not. If they are not an initiator, sex will happen less often because it is work for me to initiate and I don't always have the energy. I also don't initiate generally if the other person seems to feel tired or ill. But it is rare for me to have a day when I wouldn't want any sexual interaction at all with someone who I am in love with and have a sexual dynamic with.

the enjoyment that I get out of sex

When I am having sex with an intimate partner, the most satisfying part for me is feeling emotionally connected. I have had an orgasm from someone putting their hand on the center of my chest and both of us focusing on that, with no other touch. THAT only happened once but many times I have had orgasms from giving my partner pleasure, without being touched myself. My emotional state is more tied in to my sexual pleasure than any physical stimulation.

I feel deeply emotionally satisfied from giving sexual and/or intimate emotional pleasure to someone I'm in love with. I enjoy this more than receiving, usually. I can easily spend hours on end focused on giving pleasure to my partner, and I crave this far more often than I crave receptive sex.

For sex with people whom I am not in love with, it would only be worth it if the sex was of a style that I haven't had or have rarely had, but want. I am insatiably curious and I love intimacy and am good at creating it, so I think it is likely I could enjoy new experiences with people even if I was not emotionally intimate with them already.

Organization techniques/tools I use and areas I would like to be more organized/organize differently

I prefer everything around me be organized. I love organizing and have tidied other people's closets (with consent of course) and enjoyed it. So you'd think that all of my stuff would be organized, but no.

When I get depressed, I can't motivate to clean or tidy. I will only do what is necessary and things being tidy is not necessary. So right now, the only things of mine that are organized are my clothes and about half of my craft stuff. My books were organized but then I gave a ton away and now they're half disorganized too.

Part of my problem is that I have a huge mental block against throwing things away. Even donating things I find difficult because what if I know someone who wants that thing?

I did a sweep of some stuff to donate but I need to go through again with this question "will I miss it?" And if the answer is no, it needs to go in the donate or the trash. And I have to be willing to put things in the trash that are useable but will not be wanted by people at the thrift store.

Content note: gendered assumptions about body parts

Androgyny is a concept I had always found appealing because I thought it could be a way to break down the gender binary, but it isn't because people refuse to recognize androgyny that isn't one of these two things:

1) "masculine" clothing on someone with body qualities that are stereotyped as feminine, such as breasts that protrude from the chest or hips that are wider than the waist.
2) "feminine" clothing on someone with body qualities that are stereotyped as masculine, such as flat-chestedness or dark/long facial hair.

This is fucked up because your body should not be considered a marker of your gender (or lack thereof!). But not only is your body considered a gender marker, some parts are considered so gendered they cancel out everything else. Take me for example.

My appearance includes these cues which are considered "masculine":
*I don't shave my armpits.
*I don't shave my legs.
*I don't ever wear concealing makeup or "neutral" makeup, and don't wear makeup more often than twice a month, max (usually less).
*I don't wear a variety of shoes: I have one or two pairs.
*I wear black tie-up sport shoes exclusively, never heels or flats. I choose them based on practicality.
*I don't style my hair: most days I braid it and that is all the attention it gets. Many days I literally do nothing to it.
*half of my head is shaved.
*I don't wear necklaces or bracelets.
*I don't wear perfume or ever use sweet-smelling hair products or scented laundry detergent.
*I never wear clothing designed to flatten my belly.
*I do not pluck the long, dark hairs on my chin, nor the short dark hairs on my upper lip.

And the cues which are stereotypically considered "feminine":
*I wear skirts most days, and dresses a few times a year.
*I wear bras.
*I wear form-fitting tops.
*I wear colorful clothes.
*My long hairs are longer than ear length.
*I occasionally wear makeup or dangly earrings.

Looking at these cues, if people considered everything, I would be considered androgynous if not masculine. But people do not consider all cues, they just look at my boobs and think they can assign my gender based on their size and the clothing I put over them.

So in my mind, "androgyny" is just a reinforcing of the gender binary by cross-matching body assumptions and clothing assumptions. It's just two sets of binaries: one for clothes and one for bodies. It's a gender uniform based on your body qualities, and I don't like it.

There aren't many places I remember fondly from my childhood, since I don't remember much, but one stands out: the home and neighborhood of my best friend Rebecca, from when I was 15 to 19. I loved Rebecca passionately and wanted to spend all my time with her, but I loved her family too because they made me feel safe and gave me a place to escape feeling dismissed, ignored, or attacked. It was a place where people treated me as if my thoughts and desires mattered.

I had such positive associations with their house that it crushed me when they finally moved. That house was a four-story tower, originally the home of the architect of the neighborhood, but it was just barely enough space. The bottom floor was about a story and a half off of the ground because it was built at the edge of a steep slope. It was very quiet and dark, and it was where Rebecca's dad, a computer programmer, worked from home in a highly modified, sensory-reduced setup.

The next floor up was called the "blue level" because the carpet was blue: this was where Rebecca and the other two oldest kids lived. There was a kitchen, a bathroom, and two bedrooms (Rebecca shared with her sister), as well as a large main room. In the main room, there were long folding tables on top of which were three or four desktop computers. During the day there were always at least 3 boys playing (silent) games, and I would often sit and watch them if Rebecca was busy.

The next floor up was the main level, with a kitchen, dining room, bathroom, a TV room, and a sitting room called "the peacock room" because of the large ornate peacock rug hung on the wall. There was almost always someone in the kitchen and/or TV room, where the younger kids would play console games or watch movies. Along one hallway was a built in bookshelf filled with books that Rebecca's mom lent out. I think I read at least 90% of them.

Finally the top floor had the master bedroom, three bedrooms, the laundry room, and a bathroom. When I was younger, Rebecca and her sister had one of the upstairs rooms, and their other siblings shared the other two. I think at that point the blue level was occupied by people who worked for Rebecca's dad. But when I was best friends with Rebecca, the three upstairs rooms were occupied by her four younger siblings.

I loved that place so much. The way it smelled, the way it felt, the way it was decorated, how it was always untidy but clean. I loved how much ownership the kids got over their rooms, and how if I wanted company I could have it and if I wanted to be alone I could have that too.

Outside, a creek ran through the yard. The younger kids would play there, and Rebecca and I did too. More often we ran through the woods next to the house, to a place we called our "clubhouse" which was a little clearing next to the creek that we decorated and spent time in. I loved feeling wild and animalistic running through thick woods, leaping onto and off of logs. I doubt our clubhouse was more than a quarter mile from the house, but it felt a world away.

I keep thinking about the ways that stranger kindness and friendliness is reserved for those who are:

1) white,
2) "pretty" and/or "well dressed"
3) thinner than average (which is a size 14 btw), and
4) read as gender-conforming.

Recently I was in a coffeeshop and the barista didn't look at me when taking my order and said as few words as possible to me. Then someone that was all four of those things came up to the register and the barista turned on the charm like a light switch.

I am ALWAYS friendly to service workers because I know how shitty it is to have to perform for people who don't return any of that energy. So I try to bring some and give some. I always smile, I always tip, I always give them my full attention. So I know it wasn't a reaction to me. Especially because the next person was mostly talking to their friend.

I don't think the barista had anything against me -- I think I just didn't register as a real person because I am fat, dress weird, and have a very assertive way of carrying myself (not gender-conforming).

For me the biggest change in how strangers treat me happened when I shaved my head. All of a sudden, when I smiled at white strangers they did NOT smile back. I never got casual smiles from white strangers of any age or gender when my hair was very short. (However, black women strangers smiled at me and even complimented my haircut on multiple occasions.)

I still am not sure why a buzz cut would have this much effect on how people treat me, but it really made me think about how much more effort it is to be in public when people look at you with a blank face, or stare. Every single time that happens it sucks away some energy.

And I think about this whenever I see children of color. I notice when older white people smile at young white children and look away or even frown at young children of color just for existing. I don't usually smile at strangers but if a child of color looks at me in a friendly or curious way I do smile. I don't want to be a dead staring face that saps some of their energy.

I have a number of recurring themes and symbols in my dreams.

There is a recurring theme of "fear realization" -- where my psyche helpfully puts me through my greatest fear at the moment. Previous fear realization dreams have involved:
* people coming to my birthday party and ignoring me;
* Topaz dying or hating me;
* the most compassionate celebrity I know of disliking only me;
* my family-in-law not inviting me to a gather and then getting annoyed when I happened to stop by, unaware;
* being fed roaches, etc.

Sometimes after these dreams, my fear has been worked through, but if I wake up crying and can't get back in the dream I end up feeling like it really happened and having to get over it like it was a real event (but less intensely). Sometimes I have an experience in the dream that changes how I feel about the thing in real life; I used to be afraid of roaches but after I dreamed about someone cooking them and serving them to me, I stopped being afraid of them.

In my most recent fear-realization dream, I was hanging out with a group of new friends with Topaz, and Topaz and I sat on either side of a long table. As the people came up, they all sat on the other side of the table with Topaz because no one wanted to sit next to me; no one wanted to be my friend. I woke myself up near tears, and then went back to sleep and into the dream. I can't remember the details, but I was looking through a stack of papers where the friends had put their photo and some facts about them, and even though it wasn't about me, somehow that convinced me that they didn't dislike me.

My dreams also have recurring plot lines, such as:
* killing a rapist or other evil person, usually with a blade of some kind;
* fish suddenly being out of water (the aquarium breaks, etc) and me trying to rescue them
* hosting a party, especially my birthday party, and everyone avoiding me or ignoring me
* trying to escape people or a place and then remembering that I can fly

And recurring symbols:
* water: oceans, rivers, weird clear flowing swamps
* trees: massive, often sentient and able to move their trunks and branches at human speeds
* magical objects (buildings, tools)
* magical creatures (mermaids, witches, harpies, centaurs, glowing miniature dinosaurs)
* celebrities (Angelina Jolie, Sia, Adam Lambert, James Marsters, Michael Jackson)
* my biofamily (especially my dad)
* my ex-spouse and his family

I find it super annoying that my dreams still use my dad and my ex-spouse as symbols so often. I don't think about them in waking life hardly at all, yet they are often characters in my dreams.

I've been re-watching "The Path" (because I have no new shows to solo-watch), and it's really amazing to me just how much I misunderstood religion for most of my life. When I watched this show the first time I was frustrated, asking WHY these people gave a shit whether or not some "miracle" happened. Why were they fixated on this irrelevant detail??

I thought most religious people didn't care about the magical stories, just took them as metaphor and joined because they liked the moral code and wanted to become a better person through it. It is just laughable how much that is not true, I'm realizing, thinking about people who are invested in the idea that it is "historical fact" that Jesus rose from the dead etc.

There's a line in the show where a skeptical character is talking about these "cultists" who believe that their leader did miracles, and compares that to believing in Jesus' miracles. The person listening says "well that's different, because it actually happened." I was so struck by that reaction.

I still can't get over the fact that people think the ability to do magic is a reason to follow someone's teachings, or to believe that someone is telling the truth.

When I was a kid learning about "art history" it bugged me that it was presented as an evolution, with newer stuff ever better than what came before. Now I know that's just a bald-faced lie invented to elevate and center art made by rich white cis men.

Realism is not the ultimate, best, or "most evolved" form of art. That is some shitted-up white-centric trash.

Art did not "evolve" as a whole. It only evolves within each individual person, in the sense that the more art you are exposed to and the more art you make, the more possibilities you can imagine for your own style and technique.

Note: When I say evolved here, I mean that in the connotation of "improved." The way that it was presented to me in school is that art from other times and cultures was like child scribbles, while art from modern, western, mainstream museums/galleries contained better ideas and better execution and better everything. The education I got presented it as a linear progression over time and put all stylized, non-representational, or "unrealistic" art as "primitive" which just HAPPENED to be most non-European art. /sarcasm

People who can say "no" with ease and confidence make me feel so safe. I love this trait in a friend (or lover, or anyone) so much.

I do understand how hard it is to get to that point, so I don't hold it against people who have a hard time saying no, but I just want to say that it is definitely worth it to do your best to *try* to become confident and comfortable with expressing "no." It is not selfishness. It is a gift.

When people can say "no" to my "do you want to do this thing?" that makes it safe for me to ask them anything. I don't have to calculate in how difficult it might be for them to say no and include disclaimers and offer them acceptable excuses to make it easier for them to say no. I can just ask, and be sure that if they can't or don't want to do it, they will say no.

It means that I don't have to worry that if I do something they don't like, they will start avoiding me or disliking me. If I can trust them to say "don't do that" or "I don't like that," then I don't have to be constantly watching their reactions to make sure that I am not hurting or upsetting or annoying them. I can just make a joke or be noisy or messy or silly or hyperbolic and know that if they dislike it, they will express "no" in some way that is easy for me to notice.

I do not value loyalty over ethics, especially when it comes to sexual assault. Being my friend doesn't mean I will ignore or excuse what you do to someone else, even if it is someone I dislike or don't trust.

I also do not throw people away without being sure that I should. People make mistakes. Literally everyone who has sex will make some kind of consent mistake at some point.

So to bring these things together:

When I learn that someone I am friends with has violated another person's consent, I feel it is my responsibility to reach out to my friend and say "please explain." Then from that explanation (or lack thereof) I will decide if my friend's actions make them an unsafe person or not.

A safe person:
1) made a mistake, which was not a conscious choice to disregard the other person's boundaries
2) responded to learning it was a mistake by sincerely apologizing, offering to do whatever they can to help the victim in the healing process, and changing the way they interact with all people to prevent it happening again.

An unsafe person:
1) made a boundary-violating choice on purpose to try and get the victim to do something they would not want to do if they had all the information, or something they clearly expressed not wanting
And/OR
2) responded to learning it was a mistake by trying to explain it away or defending the choice
And/OR
3) did not offer or did not follow through on what the victim said would be helpful
And/OR
4) did not change the way they interact with all people to prevent it happening again.

If my friend didn't realize that they should do 2, 3, and 4, but is willing and does something like those after I mention it, I would not consider them unsafe. If they are not willing to do these things they are no longer my friend.

When your parents or childhood caretakers have abused you, it is profoundly important to admit that it was abuse* (at least to yourself), regardless of your current relationship. Childhood is where you get your sense of normal; if you were abused as a child, your subconscious sees abuse as normal until you retrain it.

Trying to just "see the best" in your caretaker's actions or excuse their behavior is not a positive habit because if you don't label their behavior as wrong, you are extremely likely to end up doing the same thing. You might not do it exactly the same ways, but you can't tell what to avoid until you face it with complete honesty. There are just too many ways to act it out without even realizing.

You can still love them if they abused you. You don't have to throw them away to acknowledge that what they did was wrong (but also if you want to throw them away, that is 100% fine). Even loving parents can be abusive and often are, because it is common for abuse to stem from a sheer lack of understanding of what is going to be helpful.

Sometimes when they are trying their best to be good parents is when they cause the most damage. Their intentions do not make up for their behavior. You can acknowledge that they tried to be good while actually doing harm.

*I'm defining abuse here as actions or neglect by caretakers which caused long-term emotional or physical harm to the child they raised.

It used to be that whenever I was dating someone and I thought they'd rather be spending time with someone else I would back off and not ask for any of their time. I didn't want to feel like I was competing and I didn't want to be interfering in their chance for maximum joy.

This was a wrong choice, not just because it was self-defeating and resulted in me missing out on my best chances to be close with some of my favorite people, but because I was essentially trying to make someone else's choices for them. It's not my job to predict how much of me someone else wants in their life, and I should be relying on them to tell me that, not trying to guess it based on my own observations. Also, someone might appear to be happier about something else, or even actually be happier about something else, without that meaning that happiness about me is invalid or not valuable.

So in the future I am going to resist this urge as much as possible, and if I feel like I am being put into a competitive situation or used as a consolation prize, then I will discuss that with the person. Or if I feel like we have different levels of desire for each other's company then I will ask them to define what they want from me.

Whatever the case, I will not allow my impulse to back off to be my first response to feeling like my time is not valued or desired. First I will ask questions.

(This is part of a post I made 3 years ago: relationship anarchy: we each only do what we want / my intentions & desires in all connections)

I am committed to doing my best to always:

respect your personhood: never mock parts of who you are*; never belittle you or call you names; never shut you up or treat you dismissively; never disrespect you in private while acting respectful in public; never assume rights to your things; never try to deliberately deceive you for my gain; never use your vulnerabilities against you; never deliberately or carelessly hurt you; never treat my convenience as more important than your need; never treat you as lesser; never break an agreement without explanation or apology; never use 'loopholes' to justify behavior that I know goes against the spirit of what was expressed.

respect your bodily autonomy: never to touch without consent and never to verbally disrespect or attempt to sway your choices on what to put in or on your body.

respect your agency: never to try to persuade you to do something you don't want to do; never to use emotional manipulation to get you to do something; never deliberately or carelessly make it difficult to say no.

(all of the 'respect' ones are my minimum requirements for friendly acquaintances)

harm none, if possible: do my best to not cause harm to others or myself, yet maintain willingness to cause slight harm to others if the cost of not doing so would be significant damage to myself. Considering not to whom the harm goes, but which harm would be greater.

negotiate expectations: never have any non-consensual expectations of you, nor tolerate you having them of me.

build expectations from desire, not fear: base expectations on practicality and the needs and desires of all affected rather than blocking out scary things.

allow relationships to grow or shrink on their own merit: never invest in or maintain a relationship just because of its type or role. be willing to take breaks or break up if there is a harmful pattern. note patterns and set boundaries if a pattern of behavior begins to cause me damage.

prioritize needs: consider who has the greater need when making decisions on who to give my energy to if I have to choose.

share with you: whatever resources I have to spare I will share with you.

allow you to be the only one responsible for your self-care: never to try to caretake you in a way that has not been negotiated. If you want or need me to caretake you in some way, you are responsible for explaining this and for accepting if I cannot do it. I will not try to read your mind or predict your desires.

support you in your self-care and growth to my best ability: encourage you spending time and energy on activities that nourish you and help you grow and learn, even when they are not at all beneficial to me.

be responsible for my own self-care: never to assume that you will caretake me in any circumstance, and to be prepared for you to be unavailable at any time. I will never expect you to read my mind or predict my desires.

respect my needs: check in with myself regularly on if I am getting my needs met, express it if there are unmet needs, accept help when it is offered and I want it. If one person cannot meet my need, seek another person instead of trying to get the first to change.

pay attention: absorb and try to fully engage with what you share with me. (also, express that this is a need for me!) Inform you as soon as I realize that I cannot pay attention right now. Also, inform you of my abilities regarding attention in general to give you the best chance of me being able to pay attention when it is important.

avoid error-full judgement: assume best intentions and ask questions before assigning meaning to behavior.

compassionately work shit out: kindly and frankly express and resolve upsets before they become resentments or harmful patterns, and empathize and explain before problem-solving.

respect your other connections: make room for them to be nourished and grow.

express affection: when and how I feel it, with consideration for how you feel most loved.

balance kindness with firmness: easily forgive mistakes and be gentle with people's feelings whenever possible, but never invalidate my own experience because the other person is sorry. Be willing to affirm when someone says they acted badly, if it is true.

*If there are parts of you that I cannot respect, I will not be your friend. For example, I cannot respect someone who believes in a flat earth, so we cannot be friends.

If I never hear breasts referred to as perky again, it will be too soon. They can't be perky because they are not sentient. Calling them perky is a groveling bow to misogyny because that's what endowed them with sentient characteristics in the first place.

It is no accident that young, immature breasts are usually the ones being called "perky." This is in the same category of language as calling a young person's clothes "provocative." It is stealing agency from the person and giving it to objects as a way of manipulating young people into thinking that they are to blame for being objectified.

It has been about 2 years now since I last got my heart broken, and it has been about 3 years since I last fell in love. For a while I would fall every year or two and get my heart absolutely trampled, but I've been cautious for a while now.

I can afford to be cautious because I am fully nourished by my relationship with Topaz and I am more in love with them than I have ever been with anyone. I do want to experience falling in love with someone else again, since I know it will be such a different experience now.

I don't fetishize my relationships anymore which is a completely different experience that allows me to observe them in a much truer way. By fetishize I mean, I elevated the importance of connection far above the practicalities of helping each other get needs met.

In the past I have endured people putting no effort in, trying to push me to give to them in ways that would harm me, not expressing appreciation for who I am and what I do, not expressing encouragement for my growth, not being willing to learn themselves, and/or not trying to understand and fully know me. I did this because I felt an intuitive connection with the person and I wanted to keep experiencing that so badly that I was willing to suffer for 90% of the relationship for the sake of that 10% of connection.

I'm no longer doing this, not because I made a choice to stop doing it, but because I stopped over-valuing "spiritual" connections. It was a leftover fetish from when I was religious, and it was a really damaging one because I put that sensation at higher importance than anything else. I still love feeling an intuitive connection with someone, and it is still magical to me and something I feel super lucky to have with Topaz, but it is NOT more important than being treated with respect, appreciation, consent, and curiosity.

Before I let myself fall in love again, I will need to know that the person can be: appreciative of who I am (not just what I do), more than willing to navigate conflict with me, curious & eager to know me, independently growing, encouraging of my growth, open and honest, willing and able to invest effort in building our relationship, considering my emotions as important in making decisions that affect me, and not yearning for more than I can freely give. All of these things I offer in a relationship and for me to feel fulfilled I need to receive them as well.

If I never find another person like this, that is okay. I already got luckier than I would have ever imagined possible to have all of this and more with Topaz. And I can still build meaningful and nourishing connections without being in love.

One of the best things I have ever done (and do) for myself is save memories of people being loving to me or showing that they know/understand me.

I call this my "love memory bank" and at first I was writing stuff down but then I kept forgetting, so now it is pretty much a collection of screenshots from snapchat or texts or fb, whenever someone says something that makes me feel loved or understood.

Whenever I try to think of someone being loving to me, I can't remember almost anything, because my memory is the worst and anxiety makes the good stuff the hardest to access. But when I look through my love memory bank I am amazed at how sweet people are to me, and it is "proof" of being valued which is something my anxious brain needs.

Bonus: I can make myself feel loved anytime without anyone else having to do ANY work for it!

Mild spoilers ahead for "Shrill" episode 3:

I keep thinking about this one scene where the main character is trying to cross a street at a crosswalk but is being too polite/timid and letting cars go first, and a tall fat person who is dressed literally head to toe in bright red (a fat person no-no), in a *jumpsuit* (another fat person no-no) and *heels* (a tall person no-no) walks past her and across the crosswalk with hardly a glance at the cars. The main character then follows the person in red down the road, into a flower shop, and down the road again.

I have had that impulse to follow someone based purely on how they commanded a space (but I resisted because I didn't want to creep them out), and I know that ah-ha moment that you can get from seeing someone-like-you doing something that you didn't think people-like-you could do. And the fascination and curiosity about how they got there.

I think that I have become that confident fat person who dresses head to toe in color and takes up space without apology. I wish I had the ability to notice when people are watching me because I want to see this happen.

And also if people make disgusted faces I want to round on them and out-face them. Because they'd probly dissolve like cotton candy in the rain and I would enjoy that just as much *wicked smile*

Holy fuck the 4th episode of Shrill had me absolutely sobbing with joy. Bodies that look like mine, dancing and swimming and just happily existing in bathing suits and not a goddamn skirted 1-piece in sight.

If you have never been fat and you have hulu, please watch this show. It is literally the only show I have ever seen with multiple fat people in it and where being fat is never a joke and the usual trope of fetishizing food or eating a lot is not present. It's so goddamn real.


I'm so fucking annoyed with the piece of shit boyfriend but also that is such an important story to tell because I did that, and for similar reasons. I put up with greedy, selfish, useless, entitled fuckwads because for so many years it literally did not occur to me that I could say "no" to something my datefriend wanted. I felt like I had to make up for my "inferior" body by accommodating their every whim and soothing their every uncomfortable feeling. And this idea was so deeply embedded that I didn't realize I was thinking it until after I had stopped doing it. While I was doing it I could not recognize it.

Also I don't know if non-fat people would get this, but in the second scene of the first episode, when the barista and customer say that she reminds them of Rosie O'Donnell, that is almost as bad as the overt harassment. It says that the only thing they see is "fat woman." It was a second cut-down by people who were trying to be nice, and for me that hurts so much more. It is worse when people are trying to be nice and they reveal themselves as so ignorant and alienated from your experience that they accidentally stab you.

I don't like that the main character gets so self-involved that she doesn't listen to her friends' needs. I feel like this is a trope when fat (or fat-ish) femme characters start to assert themselves and value their own needs and I think it comes from the writers not actually knowing any people who go from full-time-comfort-blanket to actual-human-who-still-cares.

I have posted an average of once a month since October. Part of this was the deep depression I was in (which is starting to lift now) but most of it was just guilt at not replying to comments and not commenting on people's posts. I kept thinking that if I didn't let myself post until I commented, I would comment but clearly that isn't working. So I need to just face the fact that I am not going to do it, and hope that y'all still value me posting, or else my relationship with LJ is going to die and stay dead.

Please do feel free to unfriend me if this is upsetting to you because I don't want to be upsetting people every time I post. I just can't manage a good reciprocal relationship here. I wish I had the executive function to comment, but I just don't. That doesn't mean I don't value your posts because I really do, I just get lost in the context switch between reading and replying.

Does the new friends feed offer the ability to comment from your actual friends page without opening a new tab? if it does I may switch, because that would be immensely helpful.

I'm going to try to post every day for 22 days to get back in the habit.

I watched a few episodes of "Tidying Up" recently and it made me exclaim a lot because so many of the things that Marie says are literally things I have said. When I am helping people tidy I say "where does this live?" and "does this have a home?" because in my opinion the most important thing for tidiness is for things to have a home. I do things like greeting a home and waking up books (though not those specific things).

I LITERALLY FOLDED MY SHIRTS THE SAME WAY, before ever watching that, so that I could look through them at a glance. and I fold my skirts like Marie folds ties. I do the same thing of small boxes organizing the inside of big boxes.

and then in my memories today I found an entry I posted last year where I talk about having an ethic of things belonging to whomever will love them more. When I was a kid, I stole or gave away things based on that.

The show makes a lot of assumptions about people being able to buy replacement things, which bothers me, but I do love seeing someone else have as much reverence for things as I do. Though it bothers me that some people appear to just throw away useful things rather than donating them and Marie doesn't scold them, wtf.

But I think a better question than "does it spark joy" (especially for people who get joy easily) is "if you lost it, would you miss it?" and if you don't know, box it up and put the date on it. if a long time passes without you feeling the need to take it out (and you don't have a practical need for it), then you can give it away. That's also how I decide whether or not to get something at a thrift store -- would I regret NOT getting it?

This is part of why it is such a sign of me being in a bad place when my home is untidy. When I am in a good place, I don't even have to try to get things tidy... when I'm not, it looks horrific, because I just drop things everywhere. I get in a very "if I can't get it right why bother at all" mindset. I know it's destructive but that's my brain when it's being a jerk.

This is just me popping the bubble of tension that always builds when I haven't posted in a while.

I hate that I have been so absent from here lately. One post in November and one in December, and I haven't commented on anything in I dunno how long... anything less than 3 posts per month is a sign that I'm really struggling with life. Definitely true right now.

and I only managed 56 posts for the whole year. I need that to change in 2019.

Anyone have tricks that worked for them to stay active on LJ?

I finally went through and compiled information from my own experience and from labdoor.com to come up with a top-brands list mostly for my own reference. A lot of brands have similar names and logos so with my memory there is no chance I would remember.

Note: the supplements most likely to be ineffective across the board are multivitamins and green tea supplements. Most likely to have an inaccurate label are non-vegetarian omega-3s. Most likely to be contaminated (usually with arsenic) is magnesium. Dr's Best and Pure Encapsulations have a safe magnesium: I would not recommend buying from anyone else without research! This includes all my favorite brands.

Brands I will try from without necessarily checking amazon reviews:

Jarrow Formulas (tested by independent third party lab),
Nature's Bounty (tested 3rd party, in-house & by labdoor),
Pure Encapsulations (tested by labdoor and independent 3rd party)
Solaray (tested in-house & by labdoor),
Solgar (tested in-house & by labdoor),
Source Naturals (tested in-house & by labdoor),
Swanson (tested by independent third party lab & by labdoor).

Brands I will look for, but will check reviews before buying:

Bulk Supplements (tested by labdoor),
Dr's Best (tested by labdoor),
Garden of Life (tested by labdoor),
NatureMade (tested by labdoor),
Nature's Way (tru-ID tested & by labdoor),
NatureWise (tested by independent third party lab & by labdoor),
Now Foods (tested by labdoor).

I've contacted all the above brands about their 3rd-party testing and will update if they say yes they do.

One exception is KRK Supplements, who is the only brand I trust for choline, because I can feel when it works or not.

( vouched for by me and labdoor, tested in my body multiple times )

( vouched for by labdoor and/or 3rd party labs and okay by me )

( not tested by labdoor but works for me: )

( tested well by labdoor but I have not tried it: )

I have a dirty little secret to share about the queer world: it's just as misogynistic as the straight cis world, and even more femmephobic. At least among straight cis people it's fine for one group of people (women) to be femme, but among queer people (at least, white southern queer people), being femme whether you're afab or amab makes you undesirable or simply rejected as not real / not belonging. A common disclaimer on gay hookup ads is "no fems." (along with "no fats" "no Asians" "no blacks" because white gay cis men are every bit as disgusting as white straight cis men)

When I was a brand new baby queer, fresh out of a marriage to a straight cis man, I was completely devoid of queer friends or indeed, pretty much any friends. I came into contact with this group of queers and I fell in love with their sense of interconnectedness and I wanted to be part of that group so badly. I tried so hard to be friends. I was wide open to learning and willing to do far more than my fair share of the work.


But none of them wanted to be my friend. They never invited me to anything and the few people willing to spend time with me didn't find my company appealing enough to ever try to spend time with me on their own initative. Every time I spent time with one of them (except once), I had to drive an hour in my rickety, 20+ year old car down to their house or a place walking distance from their house because that was the only way they were willing to even see me, despite the fact that most of them had cars and lived near a public transit line.

If it was one person or even two people, I would have said oh well, they just don't like me. But there were at least five of them I actively tried to connect with, to varying degrees, and they all reacted the same. As soon as they learned where I lived, their willingness to invest in me dropped to zero (and it was low already). And the reason I lived where I lived (same as now) is because I couldn't afford to live in the city. Because you have to either be well-off, or know people who are willing to split a house with you. So they rejected me in large part because I couldn't afford to live in their neighborhood.


I'm also pretty damn sure that a huge part of why they rejected me was because I refused to wear the queer uniform. As a person with large breasts, wearing skirts and sleeveless clingy tops is not up to queer uniform code. It's too "straight"? too "gender normative"? (I laugh at this idea because no straight person dresses like me)

Femmephobia is real, and intense, especially in white queer middle/upper class circles in the south (apparently up north, masc is the uncool presentation). I remember someone approaching me about being femme and I didn't know what that meant and thought they were calling me feminine and I got very upset, partly because it felt like them affirming that I would never be accepted by queer society. Now I understand what it took to approach me, and why they did it, and I wish I had understood and taken that chance for connection.

I remember feeling immense pressure to change my look. I bought a binder, put it on and hated it thoroughly, instantly, and never wore it again. I cried because I felt like it damaged me in the 15 minutes I had it on. ...Wow I had never drawn the connection between the pressure I felt from those queers (nearly all of them masc) and buying a binder... I feel so bad for baby-me, so worn down by expectations and so lonely for a sense of community that I was willing to betray myself in an effort to become acceptable. My breasts have been one of my favorite parts of my body since I grew them, but I was willing to give them up in order to be accepted.

Being rejected by the entire group broke my spirit. It was first chance I had at in-person community ever in my life, because I had never had that in my family or in school etc. And they rejected me because I didn't have money and wasn't "on trend" or at least, that was how it read to me. It's possible I was just too socially awkward or too blunt or too excited or too invested etc, whatever it was, I needed them and they turned me away. All of them (except for the one who fell into drugs and cut contact and the one who moved away).

Godde, if even one had made even the slightest effort to include me, that would have changed my world. Or if they just foisted me off on some other set of queers they didn't like, that would have been wonderful. but no one bothered. I'm sure there are other queer groups in a city of over 5 million but finding them feels impossible and I am so tired of being rejected and/or ignored and/or disrespected.

This is why I don't ever want to go to gay bars. I expect to find anti-femme culture there and it hurts worse coming from people who should be my community.

Kroger clicklist pickup service has changed my life for the better and I heartily recommend it to anyone who can afford the small fee and has a motor or social disability (and lives near a Kroger). The first 3 times are free and after that there is a $5 fee each time (plus tip if you want to do that -- it has to be in cash if so). Sometimes they have deals where if you buy certain items you get the pickup for free.

As a socially anxious, ADHD person I can't even describe how much work it is to weave around people and block out conversations and colors and words and unwanted items, especially now that my only times to go to the store are evenings and weekends. It is so hugely relieving to not have to manage that.

Even without clicklist, the Kroger app for android is incredibly useful. It allows you to add coupons to your card, shop sales, and save multiple grocery lists (saved items) as well as your cart (for pickup or delivery service). First you set your store, which allows you to search the entire store for an item you want (however you have to use whole words: "pap" won't bring up any items but "paper" will). When you search for an item you can add it to your cart and your list at the same time, or to just one of them. You can add to a list by manually entering items or by scanning in barcodes, and having a list makes it easy to find sales and coupons for the things you want.

The fact that I can shop by sales and coupons without getting distracted means that I can more than make up for the $5 it costs to use clicklist. I don't buy impulse items (unless there is a really great coupon or sale) and I don't forget to get things because I can add them to my cart the second I think of them, rather than having to wait and add them when I am in the store.

The fact that I don't have to be in the store after work or on the weekends means that:
* I get back at least 4 hours of my small amount of free time per month (I use clicklist about once every 2 weeks).
* I don't have to do a lot of difficult blocking out of sensation after a long day of cognitive labor.
* I don't have to sacrifice part of my 2 rest days to do hard mental and emotional work.
* I don't have to interact with more than one stranger in person.

Here's how I do it:

First I open the coupon section and sort by value. I scroll through and anytime I see something that I might want, I add that coupon to my card. When I get down to the low-value coupons I then switch to the "my coupons" tab and click on each coupon that I want to use on this trip. From the coupon details page, I scroll down and select the item I want from the list of things that match the coupon. Because everything is sorted this way I never mistakenly get things that don't match the coupon!

When I have done this with each coupon that I want to use, I then open my primary shopping list. On my primary shopping list I have everything I ever buy*. I scroll through and scan for the sale items, which are marked with a yellow and red highlighted price showing how much cheaper they are than usual. If it is on sale and I need it now or if it will store for a long time, I click on the picture of the item and then click "add to cart."

Finally, I look through my cart and consider what I have at home and what else I might need that goes with the things I am buying -- for example if I am buying eggs for french toast I get milk and bread if I don't already have those. When I am finished, I add instructions for any items I want substituted if they're out, and pick a time! at my Kroger you have to order at least 4 hours ahead of pickup, which stops at 8pm, but that's just enough time for me to get there after work.

They will even bring it out in crates unbagged so that you can bag it at the car (at least at my Kroger)! You do have to call the store when you arrive but it is a dedicated number and a series of rote questions, so at least for me it is not too difficult.

*If you use a Kroger plus card every time you shop, you can go online and log in to see everything you've ever bought! I used this feature to populate my shopping list. Every time I see something I might want, I add it to my list so that I can easily see when it goes on sale. This helps keep me from impulsively buying things because now I can "remember" to try them later.

Yesterday I finally went through my flist and removed inactive journals and journals of people who I never really interacted with and who didn't interact with me, or who I never really clicked with. If I unfriended you and you still use your LJ to read, let me know.

I'm hoping this will help me keep up with my current friends better, because with the last two months getting absolutely swallowed by stress, I just haven't been able to read half as often as I wish. I'm trying to catch up now.

I've realized that even though I spend all my weeknights at home now, I still never get any real alone time because my evenings after work, workout, and commute are about 2.5 hours long and I need literally all of that time to get my brain to relax (through watching netflix/hulu) and then get ready for bed. So I need to make one weekend a month a stay-at-home weekend and I need to actually follow through and do it. Yesterday was the first full day I have had at home in months and months (unless you count sick days, which I don't).

I feel like I have been just surviving for a long time now, and my life feels mostly pointless. I feel like I am not doing anything except work, spending time with Topaz, and family-in-love events. That's not where I want all of my time to be going. I talked about this with Topaz, who felt like we don't do much family stuff but for me, more than twice a year is a LOT. I told Topaz that I need to keep it to only 1 family event per month, because it takes all of my social energy and then I have none for my friendships or for community.

If you have a UTI or yeast infection and don't want to go to the doctor*, you might try what I do. I combine certain supplements with drinking a lot of water and avoiding sugar and acidic drinks (sadly this includes coffee). I haven't needed antibiotics/antifungals for a UTI or yeast infection since I figured out this regimen.

Food: avoid sweet or very processed foods: go for raw veggies & cooked grains, stuff with lots of fiber.
Drink: avoid sweet or acidic drinks: go for water.
Supplements: take these throughout the day:
* cranberry 25,200mg, 3x the daily serving size
* garlic oil softgels, 1,000mg pills at 6-10 per day
* oregano oil softgels at max daily dose
* betacarotene 25,000 at max daily dose
* vitamin e softgels 800-1000mg daily
* evening primrose oil softgels 1000-1200mg daily

Note: this works best if you use it as the infection is coming on, before it gets too intense. If you take the garlic and cranberry right at the start and drink plenty of water you may not need the others.

for me, the ONLY cranberry that works is the one that has 25,200mg from concentrate. Nature's bounty triple strength is the one I most often use, but Azo also works (most others don't). I take triple the daily serving size, spaced throughout the day.

along with this I take odorless garlic oil softgels, 1,000mg pills at 6-10 per day (they're tiny if you get the oil ones) -- again it depends on the brand and type for them to be useful. BRI Nutrition and Nature's Bounty are good for me (most others give me awful burps). Take these with food.

Then, if it's already an infection, I also take oregano oil softgels at whatever the maximum daily dose is. Sometimes these are sold with parsley in them too and that works just as well. Take these with food.

If there is dry/irritated/inflamed skin, I also recommend betacarotene 25,000 (NOT vitamin A made with retinyl palmitate because you can overdose on that but you can't overdose on beta carotene because your body only converts what it needs) and vitamin e softgels 800-1000mg, and evening primrose oil softgels 1000-1200mg.

Another thing that helps me -- and this is weird but it helps SO MUCH -- is getting in the shower, applying plain (NOT flavored or sweetened!) yogurt to the outside, letting it sit a minute, then rinsing the area with lukewarm (not hot!) water. Soap will make it worse for me but this helps a lot. I'm not willing to use the yeast-killing creams so this is my solution. Also, airing out the area daily, while odd and potentially uncomfortable, helps too.

The cranberry and garlic I mentioned (taken as specified on the bottle) can work together as a great preventative. I have tested it out when I had to take antibiotics, and one of my friends tested it out too when they had to take antibiotics, and it helped both of us a lot. For me at least, taking meds for a yeast infection tends to bring on further problems so I want to avoid that if possible.

Speaking of antibiotics, I always take Florastor along with any antibiotics. It is a beneficial yeast which is not killed by antibiotics and it helps keep the bad yeast from overpopulating in the absence of the bacteria being killed by the antibiotics. It is expensive (about a dollar per once-a-day pill) but if you can afford it, it's worth it, especially if you tend to always get infections and/or gut problems after a course of antibiotics.

As you take it, keep in mind that all probiotics need fiber and a low-acid environment to survive, so you should take it with some raw fruit or vegetable and a full glass of water. (Cooked food has less fiber than raw) Also whenever you take antibiotics it is a good idea to avoid sugar and simple carbs like white bread because those feed the bad microbes.

*a final note of caution: if it doesn't improve noticeably within 3 days, or if it gets worse despite doing these things, I would encourage you to go to the doctor because if UTIs get really bad they can spread to your kidneys, which can be dangerous. If you have upper back and side pain, fever over 101f, chills, nausea, or vomiting that develops along with a UTI or yeast infection please go to urgent care and do not waste time trying this method!

Note: I am of course assuming that it was not an intentional violatiom because why would you read this if so. I'm also writing this in the context of a relationship but it mostly applies to casual encounters as well.

If someone lets you know that you have violated their sexual consent, here's how I suggest you react:

1) Listen carefully and accept their experience as real without editing or "interpreting.".

Do not reframe what they say as "you did bad" or "I'm mad at you" -- instead listen for each specific action you took which caused them pain. You need this information in order to keep from violating people in the future.

2) Apologize in very plain words and use the language they used.

If they called it rape, call it rape; if they called it sexual violation, call it sexual violation. Don't make it sound worse or better than they did. Do not assume you can guess the impact; don't assume it is devastating and don't assume it is NOT devastating.

3) Do not request or expect any kind of response.

Accept that they may never respond. Accept that they have the right to be angry or sad. Do not ask for nor expect forgiveness. This is not about you.

4) Do not use negative language about yourself and do not talk to them more than once about your guilt / sadness / etc about your mistake.

DO NOT SEEK COMFORT FROM THEM. DO NOT make them defend you by whining about how you feel like a terrible person. Find someone else to talk to about it. Seriously. Don't make your feelings their problem.

5) Figure out why you did what you did, and be very honest with yourself; then IF they ask why, tell them.

Don't shy away from uncomfortable truths like "I cared more about getting sexual gratification than I cared about how my actions might affect them" or "I didn't bother to think about their boundaries or desires." If your reason was terrible, you must accept and admit it or all hope is lost of you not violating someone like that again. also, don't tell them why unless they confirm that they want to know: telling them may cause additional pain so it MUST be their choice.

6) Figure out how you can prevent yourself from making the same mistake.

Then in extremely brief words, IF they are trying to rebuild with you, describe how you will prevent this happening again. no more than one long sentence. don't make them listen to your whole damn life plan.

7) Ask what, if anything, you can do to best help them recover from the violation and be determined to do anything you can.

Offer 2-3 things with a wide range between so that they can tell you really mean it and know how far you are willing to go. Don't offer anything you can't do.

For example, "if you need to change our relationship to nonsexual for a time or forever, I am okay with that; if you need to be out of contact for a time or forever, I can support that; if you need me to give you nonsexual physical affection every day, I will do that as long as I can. Or if you think of anything you'd like me to do please let me know."

Make sure you are clear that they can ask for anything, and you will do what is within your resources to do. If you don't want to do everything that is within your resources to do, have the decency to end the relationship. Violating someone sexually will not be healed with anything less than whole-hearted efforts.

8) do what they ask without bargaining or complaint.

If they want to heal without you, accept that and move on. Do not keep offering things after they said no. Do not try to bargain! Do not try to change what they asked for. If you're not sure what they mean, ask clarifying questions like "this or that?" and phrase them in neutral ways.

9) Don't ask for new kinds of relationship or household work from them for a while.

If this situation made you realize some new thing you want from them, keep that to yourself unless specifically asked, and wait until they seem to be less fragile to discuss it. This is not the time to be asking for emotional labor -- or any labor -- from them.

10) Don't try to have sex with them again unless and until they tell you that they would like that.

Let them know that you are not going to initiate sex unless / until they express a desire for that. Don't bring it up. don't hint. don't make sly comments or "jokes." If they decide they do want to have sex with you, trust that they know themself and accept their desire as real. Be very alert to their feelings the entire time and ask questions before increasing the intensity.

11) if you tend to avoid and suppress emotion, learn to express in an ethical way. Do the work!

If your reason for violating them had anything to do with avoiding or suppressing your emotions, and you have the ability to do so, then do SOME kind of intensive, continuous work to learn how to process your emotions: go to therapy or take a class or complete a workbook etc. Keep going until you start getting spontaneous compliments on your emotional maturity.

Handling your own emotions is a basic necessity of being an adult and if you are so bad at it that you violated someone sexually because of it, your need to learn is at emergency status. DO NOT ASK THE PERSON YOU VIOLATED TO HELP YOU. Not even if they are a therapist. Not even if they're really good at it. Be careful not to put the burden of your inexperience on them.

Sorry I have been absent lately. It has been busy season at work, plus Topaz is moving so every weekend has been spent on that. And last week I hurt my back to the point that I took pain meds for five days in a row and after 8 days, it still aches at any strain and I feel so worried it won't completely heal. And my car conked out last week which reduced my energy to zero and pretty much wiped out my paycheck as well, but at least it is fixed now. And a close friend is going through agony about a personal betrayal they experienced and I'm attempting to offer support -- I'm glad to be able to offer what I can but I wish I was more capable.

Oh, and two weeks ago, someone who I was friends with at the time asked to send me an email and being the literal person I am, I said yes, not thinking that they had any expectation of response. When I read it, they started out with four paragraphs of praise of an ex-friend who they know hurt me, explaining why they trust this person because they met them through me, despite the fact that I don't trust them.

They then sent over a dozen more emails, together in length more than 12,000 words. I used google docs to get the word count. For context, that's a fourth of a short novel. It was more than 20 pages, single spaced. I share these details to explain why I was overwhelmed at the idea of trying to reply. Most people would not be willing to read that due to the length alone, honestly, and the content was super intense and involved a lot of talking rapturously about an ex-lover of mine who also hurt me deeply. It was heavy, but I read it all.

I replied a short message to only that part about the ex-friend because it felt urgent to me to explain, and said that I would try to respond to the rest but that I probably wouldn't get to it. I said this because they have known me for years and there have been many emails or messages that I have failed to respond to. I just have a very hard time with it and I feel bad about that but I don't seem able to fix it, and they are aware of this.

I thought they would be like "haha yeah that executive function fail, I know it well." I thought they would be like "yeah I know it's a lot, I just wanted to share it with you so thanks for reading." That was not at all what happened.

They got very upset that I didn't respond positively, and said that I disrespected them by doing this. Then when I replied explaining further they went to my facebook and said that they didn't read my further replies and they were confronting me in public because they didn't trust me in private, and said a lot of arrogant things implying that they knew me better than I did, etc etc.

Then they blocked me and then started posting negative shit about me on their wall (with notes saying that it was encouraged for mutuals to share with me) and messaging all of our mutual friends complaining about me -- along with uncomfortably over-the-top praise. Trying to talk to me without me having a chance to talk back, basically.

This activated a lot of previous trauma from being attacked by people I trusted. but I was relieved and felt very loved when our mutual friends kindly but firmly said "no" to the negative shit and pointed out that their behavior towards me wasn't okay. I was relieved also because I was worried that the stress they put on my friends would cause them to be upset with me for bringing this source of stress into their lives. I felt really cared about and understood and trusted by several close friends so that helped me cope much more quickly than I otherwise would have been able to. In particular Topaz, Nik, Allison, Rachel, and Serenity were kind to me about it and it meant the world to me.

This week there is road work making it difficult to get to my office, so my boss let us have three days of teleworking. I am so grateful because I needed it so badly. My house had turned into a giant horrible mess because it is a direct reflection of my mental state. So today is my third day of working from home and I have tidied my room and the hallway (neither fully but both much better) and did some dishes (which I hadn't managed to do for weeks) and managed to write this. Which I am going to post immediately rather than letting it languish at 95% complete for weeks.

I started writing this at the beginning of June and never finished it, so here it is belatedly.


Recently Evelyn came over and we talked about our lives over the past year. They discussed some suspicions of abuse in their family and how it was affecting their relationships, and I talked about the fall-out in my life from an evil thing an ex-friend did, and how I am still sort of in shock from all the loss that resulted.

We also talked about the song-portrait I made of them and their thorough, analytical, and emotional response to it (which I find very beautiful). They said they were tempted to make a document of all the lyrics and highlight the ones that especially resonated and include a cover image, which I had literally almost done (according to my guess of what would resonate) before giving it to them and really only didn't because I was impatient. I told them about how I used to do just that in my music sharing posts, and that I had always wanted someone to respond so thoroughly to a mix I made for them. They covered their face and said "don't say that!" and then I worried that I was being too effusive or too intense and asked if I really should not have told them. They reassured me that they were just having an emotional reaction but that it was fine to tell them and they wanted to know.

I told them that I love how analytical they are, which embarrassed them but I think pleased them also. They said that they think of it as being a bad thing to be so geeky and I wryly pointed out "you're talking to someone who makes spreadsheets for fun." Then they enthused about their latest geeky infatuation -- creating a kind of alphabet of gender symbols (if I understood them correctly -- it was difficult for me to follow without visual examples).

Earlier that week I had asked what they would like to do when we were together and they mentioned feral play, which I also wanted. So after talking for a couple of hours we went to the cuddle room to play (so that I didn't have to fret about breaking anything) and wrestled without hands, head-butting and body-slamming, sniffing and nipping, laughingly trying to pin or throw each other. It was delightful, but short, because it was difficult for them to stay in a non-sexual space. We stopped, and they said something to the effect of having forgotten why they made that decision and not wanting it any more, and I told them that since when they said no they were sober (as in, not feeling an immediate craving for sex), they would have to be sober again when they told me yes. They expressed gratitude for that response.

We talked about their reasons some and about how they found it difficult to refrain, and I talked about how I had been through periods of non-sexual romance with several of my partners and said that I was good at sort of de-escalating sex if it had been decided against by one of us. They asked if I thought I had always had that ability or if I grew it, and I said I thought I always had it, but later I realized that they were really asking if I thought it was a skill or an innate ability which is a different question. I think the skill of de-escalating sex is almost the same skill as de-escalating anger, and I learned to do that long before I ever had sex.

Near the end they told me that they had thought about me and even considered my past advice during the time we were apart, which surprised me. If I had been thinking fondly of someone who I knew wanted to be with me, I wouldn't have been able to resist reaching out to them, so I had just assumed they had shut me firmly out of their mind or that they thought negatively of me in the times they were not in touch. It filled me with questions and made me wonder about other people who tend to flake out of my life for chunks of time.

They also told me recently via text that they wanted to be a very close friend to me, someone I can rely on for help without fear of losing. They said they want to really know me, "from the birds eye of years of intimate accumulation." That they want to be family, or in my terms, they want to be one of my lifesharers. This was something I desperately wanted them to want last year, and hearing it now feels surreal. I told them:

"what you say you want with me makes me want to cry. I can't choose to have faith in that yet because it would really be too much to trust in that and lose it. I want it so much. But I can try to have faith right now that you want to know me and you want to be my friend. I want those things and vice versa. and I want you to want to be known by me also."

I also told them (in very brief terms) how my prosopagnosia makes it really important for me to have access to photos of people I love, and they just started sending me photos of themself. It means the world to me and it makes me feel a lot more connected to them. They also have made a point to let me know when they expect to have delayed responses, so that I don't worry that they have just cut contact. They have told me how they want to see me again and made an effort to set the next plan at the end of the first two times, which is very affirming.

I felt more loved and attended-to by them in the past few weeks than I have in all the other time we spent together combined. They are sharing parts of their life with me that bring them joy as well as the parts of their life that are stressful. They text thoughtful replies to my questions and ask questions about my life, sometimes even initiating conversations.

The next time I saw them we met at a hookah bar, which was still good conversation but it was loud and felt the opposite of intimate. We talked about the kinds of connections we want to create and cultivate, and when I talked with them about intimacy practice, I realized I hadn't done it in over a year, maybe 2 years. Last time was a workshop I ran at Southern Fried Queer Pride, with a bunch of strangers. It works so much better when it is a group of people who have set the intention to invest in each other and learn about each other. I still feel like that is far out of reach, and I feel a mild sense of dissatisfaction at the various silos of my people, where trust is non-existent and not fair to even ask for at this point. I just hope that all my little seedlings of friendships can grow into a single garden of mutualistic symbiosis.

Most recently when I saw them they had just learned something that had them very stressed out, so we spent most of the time discussing it. It wasn't anything new, but I feel like they're listening more now than last time we were in touch. Still, I know they have a series of intense stressors for the next four weeks so I expect diminished contact for a bit. In the back of my mind is a worry because I am historically terrible about discerning the difference between behavior due to a pattern and behavior due to a situation. I just have to stay in touch with my feelings and not let myself get in that place where I start feeling responsible for...


and that's where I stopped writing, on June 8th. Since that time at the hookah bar over three months ago, I haven't seen them and have exchanged only very minimal texts. I think they are back in that uncommunicative rut but I think and I hope that they are making effort to get out of it. I recently had a conversation with them about how I think they need to prioritize their own health and well-being but I'm not sure it got through. They did take some positive steps afterwards though so I have a little hope.

I feel like everyone who exists thinks of their own gender identity and sex identity as more real and valid than mine. I fight with myself to ever say anything about my experience related to someone else's because I imagine they are offended to be compared to my "pretend" self.

No one in particular has made me feel like I'm not valid, it's just this pervasive thing. I've been reflecting and I think it's because I don't know anyone else with my experience.

Afab + gender-free/ungendered + non-binary sexed + aggressively femmed aesthetic is a very particular experience and from the outside I think most people just read me as a cis woman. While that confers privilege, it also means that my selfhood often drowns in invisibility.

When I can't even witness myself it becomes really hard to feel like I am real.

My genitals really have nothing to do with my (un)gender except that people assume they understand what my genitals are from my clothes. To have people constantly guessing and always wrong is upsetting but there aren't clothes that would induce a correct assumption anyway.


I used to be anti-femme in clothing aesthetic because all the assumptions of weak, pliable, sweet, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive etc that get put on most people who dress femme made me so upset that I avoided the fuck out of looking like that. I wanted my clothes to communicate that I was powerful, forceful, strong, resistant, a leader, not someone you wanna fuck with, etc.

But then I got fat. Now I could wear a literal suit of armor and people would still assume all the same things as if I wore a damn tutu, because my large breasts and wide hips are considered so femme that it overwhelms everything else. I love my breasts and hips and I refuse to smash them flat or straight, so my body is always gonna read femme.

So now I am aggressively femme, though still not in a performative way. I usually don't wear makeup; I often have messy hair, and always wear it up in a braid; I never shave my body hair; on my feet I only wear comfortable black sneakers; I never paint my nails and I keep them very short. But I have come to embrace beading, appliqués, lace, ruffles, and even the color pink (though rarely).

I wear femme clothes defiantly, because I know people are going to get it wrong. I wear them because they don't mean weak, pliable, frail, easy-going, follower, submissive, etc; they mean whatever the fuck I want them to mean because only I can assign meaning to the clothes on my body. I will wear them when working out; I will wear them when topping someone; I will wear them in every situation where I am expected to be wearing boxed-in plain dark stiff heavy structured masc clothes. And I will make people accept the meaning I assign to how I dress.

Disclaimer: the ideas in this post are just my own philosophical musings, not facts.

For most of my life I felt constantly hungry for love. Even while someone was being loving to me I would feel desperate for more. It wasn't until I was 27 that I even had one moment where I was receiving love and felt satisfied and like I didn't need more -- would enjoy it, but didn't need it. And it wasn't until I was 33 that I ever had that sensation on a regular basis.

I have this theory that until a person reaches a saturation point with loving nourishment, they can never feel relaxed or secure in any of their relationships. This one experience is so pivotal that it is like a stage of development, and a human's life perspective is profoundly changed once they have this experience. Parents are supposed to give this experience to their kids so that their kids can then enter adulthood ready to meet others as equals. Instead most parents don't, and most people enter adulthood still desperate for love, wanting to get without having to give, feeling like there is never enough. Like starved children we snatch at any nourishment offered and many times spill it everywhere.

People who felt fully loved as children often can't relate to feeling insecure or needy without logical cause. These people are put off by the expression of those feelings, thinking of them as irrational or silly, but I think feeling "full" of love is a real human need as powerful as the need for food or air. For me at least, having food in my hand is not comforting when it is not going to fill me and I doubt any more will ever come. We scarf it down as quick as we can so we have our hands free to grab the next scrap. Or we "save" it for when we will need it more, which is a day that almost never comes.

There are so many harms that can spring from this. Perhaps the biggest is that people who have never experienced saturation (I will call them hungry, for lack of a better word) are willing to accept all manner of ill treatment along with love because they are starving. It is ridiculous to expect people who have never had enough food to ever eat slowly or turn down crappy food.

In the same way, it makes no sense to expect people who have never felt fully loved to ever be satisfied with an easy amount of love, and it makes no sense to expect them to be able to say no to people who offer love as an appetizer to abuse. So many hungry people raised by abusive or selfish parents have absolutely no way to tell what is real love and what is bribery.

Many times we choke out our opportunities for real love because we get so desperate and cling so hard. We can delude ourselves, magnifying small kindnesses and minimizing all negatives to try and trick ourselves into feeling nourished; this prevents either person in the relationship from learning and growing. We can lose ourselves, becoming so desperate for the other person to keep loving us and not leave us that we compromise more and more of who we are until we are just a reflection of the other.

The worst part is that often, someone has to have experienced saturation themselves to be able to give it to someone else. A hungry person can't purely focus on nourishing someone else because as you feed them a part of you watches jealously, wishing you were the one getting that care.

I recognize it so easily now and it always makes me ache and feel an urge to throw out my whole life and dedicate it to making this person feel loved. But I can't do that, and it wouldn't be a good way to spend my life, pouring myself out endlessly for people who literally can't give back. That's not remotely sustainable.

Other than meeting one of those lucky ones who got saturated with love in childhood, I think we can only hope to find someone who wants to get love in the way we are inclined to give it, and wants to give love in the way we want to get it. I think other than basic ethics, this is the number 1 most important thing in a relationship.

I'd advise my former self to ask, first and foremost, as a precursor to close friendship and/or romance, "think of the three closest people in your life. What do you think they get out of their relationship with you? how do you bring them nourishment and joy most often? most easily? most happily? and on the other hand, what actions of others make you feel nourished and contented?" and then I'd consider whether I could feel nourished by the same things, and if I could nourish them in the way that works best for them.

comment with your name and I will tell you if I have one of the following types of crush on you! I may add more if I think of more. DON'T REPLY IF you're not okay with me crushing on you in ALL or NONE of these okay?

1) romantic: I maybe* wanna spend time completely focused on my feelings for you and/or make you feel fully adored (OR I have felt this way in the past)
2) sexy: I maybe* wanna bite you, wrestle you, make out with you, or give you intense physical sensations
3) aesthetic: I wanna gaze at your face & take photos of you
4) cognitive/mind: I am fascinated by the way you think
5) cuddle/heart: I wanna lay around with you and share sweet pets
6) personality/soul: the way you interact with the world makes me happy
7) creative/artistic: I want to observe anything and everything you create
8) movement: I wanna watch you move, pick things up, walk, gesture
9) verbal: the way you use words makes me appreciate them in a new way
10) values: your practical applications of your ethics make me feel safer and more hopeful about life
11) style: the way you self-decorate delights me and makes me want to carefully observe your ensembles as a transitory kind of art

*these can only ever be maybes unless the other person has told me frankly that they want those things with me AND there is no worry on my part that they want/need to get more than I am wanting/able to give

https://www.facebook.com/belenen/posts/10160557185520507

I finally trained my elderly cat to use the footstool up to the bathroom counter (and more importantly, to get down) and now they have taken ownership of that side of the counter. Last night I was brushing my teeth and had set a cup on Kanika's side of the counter. They stood on their hind legs with front paws on the counter prepared to jump, saw the cup, and very gently pushed it with one paw, alerting me to move it. This cat gets more clever with every passing year.

How do you view the energies of the world? Do you believe in the healing powers of such things, for example? How do natural energies affect you? How do the energies of people affect you?

I'm interpreting this question as being about the spiritual energies of things rather than their measurable energies. It is an interesting question for me right now because I am sort of transitioning from one view/belief to another, and my answer is very different than it would have been even last year.

I think that emotions are a kind of energy. In the literal sense, adrenaline comes from emotion and can give a body more power than it should logically have. But beyond hormonal surges, emotions have a power over the mind which has power over the body and this can transfer in a way that seems magical and is inexplicable. I think that only creatures which have emotions can be affected by this energy; in my opinion this includes any creature with memory and the ability to make decisions.

I don't think there is magical power outside of emotion. I don't think objects have the power to do anything unless a sentient being gives them that power using emotion. So if natural energies means places in nature, stones, plants, etc, having powers to heal someone without emotion, then I do not believe that.

When it comes to things like prayer for healing, I think it can be a powerful way to focus emotions, and those focused emotions can heal a person. If nothing else, a belief that you will get better will soothe your stress, which makes it easier for your body to heal. Or simply being distracted from your illness by displays of love from people can also soothe stress, even if one doesn't believe in prayer.

I feel that a place in nature which has been left to itself for long enough has an emotional sense of interconnectedness with itself. That feeling makes me feel rested, nourished, and safe, and I am healed by those emotions, so I find protected natural places to be healing. However another person entering that space who finds such places to be unfamiliar and full of danger would not at ALL be healed by it; that interconnectedness might feel like a giant flashing keep out sign. It is my emotional response that heals me, not the place itself.

The same goes for objects like stones. They are not inherently anything, but if someone likes the way a particular stone makes them feel, then it can be healing for them to have it around. Stones are not more capable of healing than plush toy animals -- maybe less.
Emotions are magic, but they only work on beings that have memory and the ability to make decisions, and they only work on the micro scale. So you cannot pray for a better world and expect any kind of result, but you can pray for more confidence and get it.

But I do think sometimes when we pray or do spellwork for things, we actually end up getting them in a round-about way. For example, praying for a new job and because of this focus and hope, becoming more observant to notice opportunities and more courageous to follow through on them, and due to to that observation and courage, getting a new job. I definitely use crafted phrases, repetitively spoken, to help focus my emotions to bring me closer to my goals, and I have had astonishing successes that I would have thought laughably impossible.

The reason that testing things like prayer and magical spells always falls apart is that part of the scientific method is to remove the chance that emotion is swaying the results, but the thing works on emotions, so you can never reproduce it in an emotionless way. The placebo effect is literally the same thing as prayer: emotion causing an effect on the mind and/or body. The placebo effect is real, proven over and over: sometimes people get better just because their mind is convinced that they should. I don't think this is an unimportant fact, though of course it cannot be relied on and is no substitute for verified medical treatment.


As for the emotions of people, affecting each other's emotions is the main power that our emotions have. One can walk near a stranger who is very upset and pick up that emotion without even talking to them; emotions are often contagious. I do small rituals to deliberately remove emotions I picked up from someone else, or to re-align my emotional self with a person who I am trying to connect with.

I consider it a kind of attack to be angry at someone and stay near them physically while feeling and thinking about that anger. I consider it bad consent at best to be around someone and think about them sexually when they have not consented to that. I consider it a kind of attack to be wanting something from someone that they don't want to give and feeling sad about it and stay near them physically while feeling and thinking about it.

I don't broadcast anger or sex or sad at people and I don't allow people to do it to me if I can help it. Affecting people with your emotions is a kind of manipulation and it's not okay. Some aspects are inescapable, but at the very least, when the negative emotion is at its peak you should warn people and give them the choice to avoid you if that is what they need. Choice means that if they avoid you during that peak, they do not have to deal with fall-out afterwards. If one kind of choice gets punished, it is not a real choice.


To try to sum up this jumble: There is no magic but emotion, which is the power in prayer and spellwork. Emotion has power only on emotional creatures, only on the micro level. We have the ability to influence others with our emotions and we have the responsibility to be ethical with that power.

Edited to add, for clarity: I don't believe in or advocate prayer or positive thinking as a method of any kind of problem-solving. I just think that the mind has a lot of power for change within itself, and humans are HIGHLY affected by emotions.

I think this mostly has a chance to hurt us, which is why it's important. Like, there is this idea that for instance, someone saying something that hurts your feelings is no big deal if they didn't do it on purpose, but it IS a big deal and it can cause a ripple effect in your mind and body. And being exposed to trauma has a real impact on the mind and body even if the trauma is not to you or someone you know. Etc.

Every time I go to the gym, I am by far the fattest femme there and usually the fattest person, as well as the only one in a skirt. I feel like I am doing important work because if I was not me, and I saw someone my size and shape doing weight training in a skirt, it would encourage me and make me feel like I belong and like it is okay to be there. I want other femmes and fat people to feel empowered to take up space in a gym. Yesterday I did have a femme person come up and compliment me on my skirt, which made me happy. I'm worried that I gave them a "back the fuck off" look before they said that though because staff members keep on bothering me about it.

On my second visit to the gym one of the workers came and told me I couldn't work out in a skirt. The skirt fell to slightly below my knees: definitely long enough for "modesty" without being so long that it might create risk of tripping, and stretchy with no buttons or zippers to get caught on anything. I probably got an "I will FIGHT you" look on my face because it got my anti-discrimination hackles up. I was thinking of all the femmes who wouldn't feel able to talk back and would be effectively banned from weight training by this sexist bullshit, and all the people who don't have workout-specific clothes and can't afford to go buy them.

I asked to talk to their supervisor and when two tall barbie and ken people came over (seriously I was like "what is this, a surfer movie?") I said "this IS my athletic wear: I only wear skirts" (the worker was silent, probly embarrassed). Then ken said "well you can't have your midriff showing because of our rules about no skin on machines due to sweat" so I said I would pull my skirt up higher to cover the 1 inch strip of my belly that was showing, and did so. Then I returned to my workout.

It was a bullshit thing to enforce on me because many people in the room were wearing tiny shorts that were basically underwear and sleeveless racerback tops where their whole shoulderblades showed: they definitely had more skin touching the equipment. The worker who initially told me my skirt wasn't athletic wear didn't mention to the supervisors that that was what they meant, so we didn't even discuss that. Which was lucky for them cause I was ready to spend the whole night arguing.

Then the next week (last week) a different worker came over and told me I couldn't wear a skirt, and then called down their manager (2 steps up heirarchy wise), who I had the same argument with. They told me it was in the policy and I said no, skirts aren't mentioned (fact) and every argument they made I refuted but they kept on saying that it's against policy. Finally something seemed to get through and they said that I should email them and they would look in to getting the policy changed. This show of respect broke my self-illusion that this issue didn't affect me personally and I lost the ability to speak and left as quickly as I could because I knew an anxiety meltdown was imminent.

I went to the locker room and sobbed for a while, struggling to calm myself. Two people at different times talked to me and asked if they could help, and I said no it's anxiety and I just need to gather myself and focus on breathing to calm down. I was touched that they expressed concern and them asking what they could do reminded me of what I could do (breathing) so it did help indirectly.

After I gathered myself I went out to the weight room again and asked for the email address of the manager, they gave it to me and the following day I sent this (the binary language is so that there is less for them to argue with):


Good afternoon [managers name],

You spoke with me yesterday and invited me to email you with my concerns after one of the staff interrupted my workout to tell me that my clothing was not acceptable.  Despite there being no mention of skirts in the policy (as defined here: [link to policies] ), my wearing a skirt has resulted in staff interrupting me multiple times to discuss whether or not it was acceptable.

My inclination is to just obey because I just want to work out in peace and it is very difficult for me to deal with these confrontations with staff.  But I can't in good conscience do that because this unspoken -- yet rigorously enforced -- skirt policy disproportionately affects women, particularly poor women. 

To restrict femme clothing and require pants or shorts excludes women who

1) do not own pants or shorts other than work pants (jeans / khakis / zippered pants) and can't afford to go out and buy them;

2) are modest and thus uncomfortable with displaying their legs all the way up to the crotch;

3) have body dysmorphia or dysphoria which make the exposure of pants a prohibitive barrier;

4) are religiously devout and wear skirts as part of their religious practice;

5) are fat and have a difficult time finding shorts/pants which fit (skirts are much easier);

and most likely women in additional situations which I can’t readily imagine.

You said that it was a safety hazard because my skirt might get caught in machines, but this is not true.  I am happy to try out every type of machine in the room while you watch so that you can see what I know from years of wearing skirts: as long as they are at least 8 inches above the ankle, it is practically impossible for them to get caught in the spokes of an exercise bike wheel. Skirts that are approximately knee-length do not get in the way of working out. There is no valid safety argument here, particularly given that loose pants are not banned and fabric around the ankle is far more likely to get caught in a machine.

In an environment which is already highly masculinized, putting additional financial and emotional burdens on women will result in women not participating; they will be excluded by default.  A no-skirts policy is plainly discriminatory. I propose that the clothing policy be amended to state that skirts worn must be at least 8 inches above the ankle to keep them from getting caught in any machines.  That should cover any actual safety issue while also making it clear to staff that any skirt that is shorter than mid-calf is acceptable.

I hope to hear back from you very soon on this matter.

Regards,
[my name and workplace]

Then I went in to the gym and spotted the manager, who nodded and waved me over to follow to their office, which I did. They then said they had been expecting an email, and I told them that I just sent one a bit ago, so they read it while I sat there so that I didn't have to say it all again. They were nodding a lot while reading (I watched out of the corner of my eye) and afterward they said that they totally agree and that they have made religious exemptions before so it is not an absolute rule. They said they will take my name off it for anonymity and send it to the director and get it discussed and that until it is settled I can wear my usual skirts. Then they gave me their card and went and talked to the workers so that no one would bother me.

I had initially interpreted them in a very negative light but now I'm realizing that that might have been due to my anxiety. I think they genuinely do agree that it is the right thing to do and will advocate for it. I hope this policy gets changed but I am pretty sure their bosses are old white men who want to discourage women from working out, so we'll see. I have title 9 (anti-sexism mandate) in my corner since this facility receives federal funds (I didn't mention it in the email because I was trying to be less hostile in tone).

If they end up not changing the policy, I'm gonna get a bunch of skorts and femmme the fuck out of them with fabric paint.

Last week I went to the gym and did weight training for the first time in over a decade -- and after that day I decided to change my work schedule slightly so that I would have more time after work for working out, and set up paycheck deductions for my first ever gym membership. I went three times last week and twice already this week, each time spending about an hour.

I am lucky that my gym is literally a 3 minute walk from my work, and that I have a 1.4 mile walk to the bus stop and hate the trolley (which is the other option besides walking). It's easy for me to get started and once I am started it is hard for me to stop because rapid context switches are so unpleasant for me. Working out has become a normal part of my work day.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy weights -- so much more so with the very fancy weight stack machines at this gym! I love pulling and pushing against the resistance of weight, when doing so doesn't hurt my hands. Free weights are just so horrible on my hands.

My gym has like 14 weight stack machines, half of which are for arms and shoulders. (these are machines where you push or pull while sitting in a certain position, and the machine resists using suspended weights, which you can easily adjust) Each machine is designed to focus on a specific set of muscles. This is perfect for me because I can change machines quickly enough that I don't get bored or lose count. I do 3 sets of reps on each machine that I like, and try to keep the weight low enough that I can do all the machines but high enough that it's not too easy.

I'm excited about developing more muscle! I am already able to increase the weight on some of them (partly because I started out below my absolute max so that I could get more of a sense of momentum). One of my favorite things about my body is how fast I build muscle. I was worried that now that I am older that wouldn't be true anymore but it still is -- I can already see a slight but real difference in my arms! I can't wait to see more definition in my back and shoulders too.

I feel like I am moving into my body in a way I haven't since I took bellydance lessons in 2004. I think I had to do the walking regularly for a while first, both to get more stamina and heart health, and to get comfortable with how much I sweat. I have never before been okay with getting sweaty, but I have ALWAYS sweated a lot and easily so it had always been a barrier to exercise. Now I'm okay with it. It's still a little annoying but not horribly frustrating.

I feel much more myself when I am strong -- that was the one part of my old body that I missed. I had to have a gap in my work outs though because originally it was fueled by self loathing. Now, it is fueled by self love: I am not going to be mean to my body or try to make it do things when it says no. I'm listening, and working with it.

I'm actually feeling grateful for that anxiety attack because I dunno when/if I would have started weight training if not for needing strong physical activity as medicine. I am so glad that I broke that barrier.