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Part II: Thoughts
Date: 2005-02-04 03:34 pm (UTC)He told me "you are called bitter, but you will no longer be called such...for you will known as "Sweetened by God"
I broke down in tears and weeped. In that one little name given to me by God was born a promise of healing. For I was to be sweetened again. I thought, once bitter I would remain so...like a grapefruit...where no matter how much sugar you pour onto it - it is still bitter. Few truly know how to sweeten a grapefruit. One in fact sweetens it with a pinch of salt which neutralizes the bitterness. Then one can sweeten it with sugar. God knows exactly how to sweeten us, to heal us. We assume we always need sugar. But sometimes it's a pinch of salt. Sometimes it is warmth. Sometimes it is the honey of the Scriptures.
Anyways, God spent the past couple years (and I believe the next few) healing me. But I still struggled very much with a longing for a wife. It crippled me. 85% of my spiritual and mental strength was devoted to fending this unfulfilled desire off. It was about five months ago that a great healing happened to me. We had a guest worship band. They were good but not my style...a sorta "white" latin influenced R&B sound. But the spirit came upon me in such a way that I laid on the floor weeping and repenting before God. I walked up the altar and took off the purity ring I wore since I was 16 and set it down. And finally, after 15 yrs or so I 'let it go'. Sure everyone had told me just let it go, give it to God. That is so much easier said than done. I had tried a hundred times to no avail. I reached the point where I exclaimed to people...."I can't...only God can heal me...and he seems to refuse to for some reason. I do not know why!?!"
But on that day I was able to set something down. To set it out of my soul. It was the first time in my life I ever knew what it was like to be content in that area. And to be 'okay' with being single.
Strangely, Ms.
I've learned something too. I couldn't give it away...only God could take it away. But he didn't take it away until it was time to be taken away. She didn't come once I stopped looking. My spirit stopped looking upon the approach of her arrival. But these are matters that it is hard to convey understanding to our hearts. That the answers, the healings, the changes....often only come in the immediacy before the need. This is hard for us to understand. We want the safety bank account with $5,000 in it ahead of time. Cause we don't see how the providence will arrive once the need is there. God see's the whole picture and has it all set in motion to arrive at the appropriate time. Realize whether the star that appeared over Jesus was a comet or a super-nova. Both of which had to be set in such a perfect time to arrive when they did. Either the star's life had to be timed to end just when it did. Or the comet's orbit to return just when it did. And just because there was no great bright star before Jesus' arrival did not preclude it appearance. Like so, just because the healing, blessing, and need has not come yet does not mean it will not be there when it is absolutely necessary to be - so that you might fulfill the purposes and intentions for which you were designed and fashioned.