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belenen

April 2021

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (challenging)
LJI topic 2, that one friend: when is it over? my 5 criteria for continued friendship investment
icon: "challenging (photo of me lifting one eyebrow and slightly squinting my eyes, wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

I've always been the thrifty type: can't throw it out if there might still be some good in it! I'm like this with people to an often-detrimental extreme. I have a very hard time giving up and mostly can't manage to do it unless the other person already has. I was thinking about this tendency recently and asked myself "if I had no memory of this person before this year, would I put effort into connecting with them?" and realized that for one friend in particular the answer is "hell no." Then I tried to remember the last time there was a long stretch of them being a nourishing friend for me and realized that it had been years. I'm pretty sure they started thinking of me as "someone they used to be friends with" a long time ago -- while I was still trying to be their friend.

I might have more good people in my life if I hadn't spent so much time and energy trying to resurrect this friendship. I need a better cut-off point where I don't let literal years go by of me waiting for them to start being my friend in earnest. But what should the limit be? I know people go through hard times and I don't want to end a friendship because someone went through a period of low energy. I also don't want to continue one where the other person doesn't actually bother. I need criteria for me continuing to invest, and I need to actually and honestly evaluate where I am spending my energy. So tonight I am creating criteria:
1) nourishment: interacting with them is net-positive at least half of the time. (net-positive means I leave an interaction more nourished than drained).
2) shared effort: they put forth at least 1/3rd of the total effort for us to connect (I'm willing to adjust to meet them).
3) fair expectations: they don't expect me to do more than half of the emotional labor or more than half of the logistics labor.
4) building together: we have shared goals, and I can see actual evidence of this in their behavior and in where they devote their resources.
5) evidence of care: they take action to show that they care about my feelings and (without prompting) express a desire to help meet my needs.
If none of these criteria are true for more than three months, I should discuss this with the person and if nothing can be done to improve the situation, I should take a break from the person.

If I had used these criteria to evaluate my relationship with this one friend, I would have recognized that the relationship showed
1) lack of nourishment: it almost always was way more draining than nourishing.
2) lack of effort: they did less than 1/3rd of the total effort to connect us, probably less than 1/4th.
3) unfair expectations: they expected me to do way more than half and expected me to accommodate all their needs while they didn't do anything for mine.
4) minuscule building together: I saw very little evidence that they cared about what mattered to me.
5) no evidence of care: they never checked in about how their actions affected me, reacted defensively every time I tried to discuss it, and showed absolute disinterest in helping to meet my needs.

In contrast, my three closest people at the moment share these qualities:
1) nourishment: time together is net-positive way more than half of the time.
2) shared effort: they do way more than a third of connecting us (one of them actually does more than me on a fairly regular basis!).
3) fair expectations: they don't expect me to do more than half, and they offer to take half of the burden (or even more sometimes!) if they can.
4) building together: they show they care about community, justice, self-education, etc by hosting gathers with me, participating in protests, learning new things, etc.
5) evidence of care: they check in about how their actions affect me, and they offer to help me in whatever ways they can. They try to accommodate my communication needs and express appreciation when I move outside of my comfort zone for them.

I have to learn to accept when someone is not interested in investing in me, and I have to learn to stop pouring effort into them. I only have so much and I can't build good connections if I spend all my energy on people who do not want to create a positive feedback loop with me (wanting it to magically exist without them working for it doesn't count as 'wanting to create').

This one friend I'm talking about is someone who is in my top-five most-loved human beings of my entire 33+ years. I really wanted to be able to be connected with them. But I cannot. I will accept this and allow them to recede into my past, as I have receded into theirs.


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I'm so genuinely sad about the loss you've had to go through with this, but I am also genuinely happy for you in the newfound freedom of letting go. I know how hard that can be.
I'm someone who tends to want to hold on to friendships that aren't working longer than the other person. I liked your recipe here. Maybe I should start looking at some of my relationships this way, too.
These are really good criteria. I've found myself thinking about boundaries a lot lately and this post really resonated with me. Congratulations on making choices that are healthy for you. I'm sorry you lost a friend in the process, but I'm glad you have others that are better for you. :)
It is so hard to realize this about someone you care so much about. Much respect for facing the facts!

I will also add this post to my memories, because I think those are really good criteria.
I'd only change one thing: If one of them isn't met for a longer period of time (and not due to some problem the person revealed to me and which is going to end in the foreseeable future), I should either talk to them about it or let them go.

Thank you for this post!
Love this entry! It was a good take on the topic and had some really useful information in it.

(My unasked for advice is that its hard to read the print on your screen. If you can change the color of the type to something lighter, it would be much easier. Thanks!)
I've never really thought of the idea of creating a rubric or guideline for this, but I've learned about the idea of starting to have some standards at least, if even vaguely.
It's a great checklist. Sometime you need to take tough decisions in order to protect yourself. There were a bunch of friends whom I 'thought' were close to me but eventually some events made me realise that my presence actually didn't matter. I have kept my distance since :) It was sad initially but looking back they didn't pass this checklist for sure.
Thanks for a great read!
I think it's great you have actual criteria and like... a plan for this. I've struggled very hard with the same problem. I still point to the one friend I X'ed out of my life like a decade ago, as though cutting out that one friend makes it okay that I've kept all these other sort of half-awake friendships that don't do much good. It's also very, very strange to have that realization that a certain friend has already let you go, and you just didn't know before this. Great entry for the prompt!
These are very good criteria, but don't forget to pay attention to your "gut".
lighter as in less dark, closer to white? I'm confused because to me it looks like the print is maybe not dark enough against the medium-light background. Can you explain in a little more detail? I do want to make it easier to read. Would it make it easier to read if I made the background darker?
I think either light print on a dark background, or dark print on a light background would be easier.

You have medium on medium and it was hard to read, imo.
thank you -- I appreciate the empathy and am sorry that you've had similar experiences. I feel you on the lost resources.
It really is difficult. I hope I can keep these in mind in the future.

Thanks for the comment!
I have indeed seen that your generosity is so rarely returned. I know that wouldn't have the energy to return it myself which is part of the reason that I haven't tried to connect outside of LJ with you. I know I just couldn't keep up, with all the other things I have to give attention to. But I know you deserve to get back as much as you give. I am sorry that those two friendships you were investing so much in turned out the way they did.
Thanks for the luck!
I don't think of them so much as rules but more as indicators. A lack of these things indicates an unhealthy relationship, but it's okay if relationships go through unhealthy periods as long as they don't just stay there forever.
*nods* yep, it is indeed endless! and very difficult for someone like me with a bad memory and difficulty thinking in the abstract. I find it much easier when I can make it measurable somehow.
you're most welcome -- if they can help more than me that's fantastic!
So true. Sorry you've been through this too *empathetic frown*
thanks for the compliment! I hate letting people go too *deep frown*
*nods* so true.
thank you so much! glad it resonated for you.
you're most welcome *hearts*
thank you so much *hearts* I am glad it resonated with you and I hope it is useful for you!
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