Other than homework my life has been filled to the brim with Topaz. I just came home tonight after spending probably two weeks or more at zir place (stopping by home occasionally to get things). I think we have spent one or MAYBE two nights apart since I got back from TBC, either at my place or at zirs, and this doesn't feel like too much. Partly we can spend time together while doing other things, partly we just miss each other when we're apart. The other people I have been comfortable spending this much time with from the beginning are Hannah and Kylei, but even with them I needed more breaks because we would have painful conflict more often. Topaz and I have had some painful conflicts but it's rarer and healing them is less draining. I don't know how to explain, exactly... We had this one conflict where I was being careless with my response to something that was very important to Topaz, and it hurt zir, and we thought we had this fundamental philosophical difference, which we didn't (we use opposite words to mean the same things in some ways), and the logical part was pretty quickly mended but then the feelings had to catch up, and afterward I felt tired but I didn't feel drained. That was our first real conflict and we have gotten better at it since, I feel. And starting out from "pretty good" conflict and rapidly improving is amazing.

also amazing to me is the way Topaz grows. Ze is very open but also new to sharing on the level that I practice, so it can be difficult for zir to answer when I ask what ze is thinking or feeling. But ze tries very hard (to the point of sometimes getting upset with zirself over lack of perfection) and it's amazing how quickly ze's growing in this area. I've been close with many people who had difficulty with this and usually the progress is very slow, so that contributes to my amazement. I don't remember the timeline of my own growth but I don't imagine that it was so fast, either.

There's also supremely amazing sex; I want to write about that but it will need to be locked. I'll just say that I am trying all kinds of delightful new things and that my flexibility and strength is improving markedly ;-)

We speak the same language and it is incredibly easy to feel our agreement or lack thereof... usually if I say some complex feeling or belief and someone else says "me too" I feel compelled to ask, "how so?" partly to clarify and partly to see if it is truly 90-100% shared or if it is just 51%(+) shared. With Topaz I can just tell, and it is often 90-100% shared and when it is not I ask for elaboration.

We are emotively sensitive to each other -- there was a time this past week where I went into distraction-mode and was more distant from Topaz and it was mild yet ze noticed and cared enough to ask me about it. I have NEVER had that happen before; I almost always notice before the other person, and the few times that hasn't been true it has been a pretty intense distance. Also there are occasional freaky moments where I wonder if I have said something I was thinking out loud because Topaz heard it and responded -- but I did not say anything. And we feel each other's emotions and influences.

The strange thing is that being with Topaz feels like it has changed the current of my life in an alchemical way; I feel constantly as though I might be dreaming. I have pinched myself every day, it seems. I don't know what this means, and it's not really that physically evident but it is intensely mentally different. I am adjusting, slowly, and I hope to be finding some sort of comfort with the shift soon; it feels amazing, but also like I am out of my depth. I am so used to being able to touch bottom and even though I am enjoying the freedom to dive and spin, it's also disorienting. I look back at my life and I just don't feel like the same person. I want to get to an equilibrium of change so that I can say "okay, I am this person now" because right now I change so intensely in such an unconscious way, every day, that I cannot say who I was yesterday or who I will be tomorrow. I know that I will be in school for the next year at least, and that I will be working with N/A*, but everything else is not just unpredictable but unfathomable in a whole new way.

Fuck. This past week has changed SO MUCH in my life. I realized on Thursday that I was creating all of the momentum in ALL of my romantic relationships, and that it was draining me entirely. I've been feeling incapable of happiness; even in moments of extreme joy I would suddenly crash and feel disconnected and apathetic. I was worrying that it was a chemical thing and that I needed some sort of medication, which is extremely scary for me because I know of the struggles my people have had in trying to find the right pill (one that didn't just make their problems worse).

I had a long conversation with Kylei on Thursday about our particular set of issues; things that were innocuous that became habits and thus problems; basically I had become Kylei's mood stabilizer, safety blanket, and braindump receptacle, because I often act those functions and without any intention for it, Kylei had grown to expect it. That, combined with Kylei not investing in zirself or in people other than me, led to this loop of need that meant we never got above neutral. I felt like it might be best for us to take a break, but we ended up deciding to try and shift expectations in another way, which is what we're living now. It feels weird but I am hoping it will lead to renewal. I was feeling / am feeling scared that we won't be able to renew our magic, but I am having faith and Kylei said ze was going to work on having faith too.

Then Friday I had a long conversation with Abby about the same thing, realizing that with zir and others I was constantly investing without realizing it, shoring up my feelings which would slowly slip with every day that I didn't hear from them, and fall dramatically every time I found out something significant had happened in their life that they didn't share with me. While I was logically okay with these things, emotionally they damaged my connection every time and I fixed that damage by pouring my own faith-energy into the cracks. It worked, but it left me neutral or negative on energy all the time, and it's been going on for so long that I've forgotten how to manage "more than neutral." I only realized these things after hanging out with Topaz and feeling nourished afterwards instead of sad or just okay. I thought to myself, "healthy connections create energy, this needs to change." So I shared all this with Abby, feeling super-worried that ze was going to be upset with me, but ze was just sad and caring for me, and we agreed to take a break from our relationship (because I can't manage to stop investing energy without that). I want to have a similar conversation with other people whom I'm 'dating' but haven't actually had any significant amount of time with since ... I don't even know. I can't keep trying to make the impossible happen.

And there's this weird selfishness in it where I don't want to give up because I don't want to have my world shrink, which is what it feels like will happen if I break up with people. But that is a shitty reason to stay with people. I need to let things happen in their own time instead of being like NOW NOW NOW GODDAMMIT. I want these things to blossom and flourish but I KNOW that is not going to happen right now and we're delaying the future joys by creating issues now that will have to be healed later.

I also had some fucking astonishing world-shifting beginnings this week, and loads of TBC learning, but those will have to go in further posts.

Godde why is everything so fucking hard. I've cried so fucking much today; at school, at the auto shop when I got an oil change, at school again, at home. I had an intense discussion with Abby about the lack of communication between us and the imbalance in initiation, and I feel a sliver of hope now but also just so fucking sad. Why is it always so hard for people I love to come to me (emotionally and physically)? How can it be that even at the edge of ending it's a struggle?

I also got some wonderfully encouraging messages today, one from someone I had never really talked to and one from someone who has been important to me but for whatever reason we see each other very rarely and one from someone who's been a long-time LJ friend and one who I have a heart-on-thorns-in-paradise history with. And one from Nea, who always finds the perfect thing I need to hear, that I'm listening to over and over.

I feel like something cracked, like I had been holding myself together so hard, waiting and waiting and waiting for things to get better, and they didn't, and then finally I just couldn't wait anymore and I let go and this shell cracked and all of my pain came spilling out. And I feel more alive but SO FUCKING SAD.

There tends to be a disparity in my relationships regarding initiating contact: I tend to do much more of it than the other person, and when that happens for a long period of time, my self-worth takes a nosedive. So my first reaction is to see if the other person is willing & able to do more initiating, and if that's not the case, then I decrease the amount I'm doing until I don't feel bad about it anymore. I get caught in horrible loops if the other person gets upset with me for decreasing, but otherwise it works.

It's strange to me how my relationships shift around in completely unpredictable ways. Currently I'm in romantic relationships with Kylei, Arizona, and Adi. Kylei I live with (and have lived with for the last year and a half) and see every day (on the days where one of us is out of town we tend to have at least one hour of phonetalking per day). Adi is extremely busy as ze's dating five other people, and ze also has ADD so we don't really talk unless we're in person. Arizona is also very busy and not much for distance communication. I have intense emotional/spiritual connections with both of them and ideally I'd like to have the kind of relationships with them where we talked at least via text at least every other day, but I know realistically that that is not going to happen, and I've come to acceptance about it. Lately I've been reflecting on it and while I'm okay with having relationships that are at this low level of communication, it's not very nourishing for me. It IS nourishing, just at a very low level and I'd like to be creating what I want.

But most people don't seem to want that level of communication, or if they do want it they are not able to do it. I was really, incredibly lucky to find Kylei, who wants to maintain our super-communicativeness as much as I do, but I want to develop at least one more bond like this. But it has to be a yearning PLUS ability on the part of the other person and that seems difficult. If Kylei and I didn't live together I don't think we'd have been able to maintain it while Kylei was dating others, because I think Kylei's lack of dating outside the house I was living in was what facilitated us staying connected like that while living apart. That sounds convoluted but I'm not sure how to untangle an explanation.

A month ago Abby and I decided to "officially" reclassify ourselves as friends because our romantic relationship had dissolved due to a mixture of things. I think our relationship began on the heels of a very intense and hurtful relationship of Abby's, and there were a lot of things that Abby needed in zir life in order to heal and ze subconsciously expected these from me. That worked badly with my own issues; a combination of 1) when people have expectations that I fail to meet and they get hurt by it, I feel like renegotiating is not an option and I just MUST do the things, but I can't, and then I feel like shit about myself which means I have less to give, and 2) when someone expects me to give, I don't want to, because I feel like the gift is taken away and it has become a duty. Abby and I met up today and talked about a lot of things, including this aspect of our relationship. I think we've both learned a lot. I've learned that I have a problem with not confronting expectations if they are expectations of things that I would naturally do 95% of the time, but I need to be wary of that and make sure that I'm not falling into old patterns of guilt and taking-on-responsibility-for-someone-else's-happiness (which is not necessarily an action of theirs at all) and stress. Instead I need to be clear and honest with myself and my people; I need to make sure that I give gifts that are received as such, and that if I do not want to give a gift, I don't. And I need to check in with myself regularly and ask, "is there a pattern?" whether good or bad. Kylei is very generous with small favors -- getting me water, letting the cat out, bringing me things -- but I only noticed this as a pattern this past week. Now that I have noticed it as a pattern instead of individual moments, I am much more nourished by it. And obviously if there is a negative pattern I need to notice that in order to change it.

Also I realized that I really missed Abby. Near the end there was so much stress and guilt and hurt for me that I felt relief to be out of contact, but after that went away our connection is still there. When we hugged today I just wanted to stand and hug for like an hour. We're going to work on our friendship, which makes me happy.

Somewhere around here was when I determined not to read any more books, nor listen to any more music by defaults unless they were amazing.

The other night I kissed someone and it blew me away. I've experienced kisses like that with people I was in love with, but never with someone I don't even really know. We kissed and I felt shifted out of time and when we stopped kissing I felt like I was re-entering this reality. And while we were kissing I felt zir feelings and they reflected in me and it built and got more intense and then I slowed it down and stopped because it was about to turn into sex for me and I was in the living room with other people around (who hadn't consented to sharing space with sex). But even though I'm usually nervous and super cautious about first sex, I think if other people hadn't been around I would not have even been connected enough to this reality to think that way. I don't think it would have turned actively stimulative (as in genital touch) but that's not necessary for my sex and I got the strong impression that it wasn't necessary for zirs either. I felt so perfectly in tune and unified. And before we kissed we had both talked about how we didn't want to start anything new, and while I still don't want to start a new romantic relationship right now, I'm incredibly fascinated and curious -- I want to know why it felt like that! I want to know how we connect, if it's just a body connection or if it's more than that. I am a little nervous about the idea of pursuing friendship because I'm concerned that I will start wanting more, but I can deal with that if it happens. And it's not like I have spare time!

Speaking of reality shifts, twice now I've accidentally tripped on stuff that does not cause reality shifts for other people. The experience I had was of a perception shift -- things were happening in dream reality, then as if I were watching a movie completely non-interactive, then as "real" reality, flipping rapidly like tree shadows as you drive by. I was existing in the space between all three, in the cracks of the universe. I could also feel all of my body but it felt alien and so I felt like my brain was lying to me about what was really happening; I felt actively disassociated. The first time was absolutely horrible because I didn't know if I would ever "get back" and I felt like no one could come with me and it was horribly lonely. The second time (I somehow thought the first time was a fluke -- nope!) I had a guide and there were people with me who were very connected with me and I could still feel their presence; it was still scary but I was much more equipped to handle the fear. The fear was about what is real; in dream reality it is okay to do things that in waking reality will hurt people and beings. I feared that I would cause harm to myself or others and I feared that my brain was making up a cover story to hide some horrible experience that "real" me was having. The first time, I happened to sit on a chocolate that then melted onto my leg and I was convinced that everyone was lying to me to make me feel okay about having shat myself. (that fear lasted days and three washes of my robe, which still smelled like chocolate afterward and finally convinced me that it was chocolate -- though I STILL have some doubt)

Those experiences have changed me in a profound way. My concept of reality was never very objective, and now is even more fluid. I have the ability to "shift out" and feel as if I am dreaming, which I think will serve me very well once I learn to use it to handle situations that cause me fear. I feel like I can use this to do serious work with fears I have. Because I think lots of the things I do in dreams I should be able to do in real life, like telling off sexists and racists. And I need to remember that it is okay to get in giant messes and I don't need to be living in constant avoidance of fucking up. I think my fear of physical harm is more than is rational; if my leg breaks I will probably be okay eventually, and if someone assaults me, I will probably live and recover. I cannot live as if one bruise will kill me. I need to take more risks if I want more miracles.

Oh this is a good feeling. Reconnecting with myself, falling in love with myself again. I'm crying with joy right now, a sense of reunion, of finally breaking through. I lost myself somewhere in the loss of Carol (the death of someone I loved, the first time I had experienced that) and the loss of the first place that I felt was truly MINE (a place I had built my tribe in) and the loss of my car Sylvia (who was truly home to me -- so many memories in that car! so many people and places, so many tears and kisses) and I think also to some extent in the people I was/am loving. Expectations and fears wrapped me in a horrid little cocoon of stasis. I had forgotten my relationship with myself, had sacrificed my own values for the care of others, and had hemmed in my own behavior for fear of loss. It's so easy for me to do that, and I wish it wasn't. I need to remind myself to adventure on my own, to invest in myself, to do things alone. I need to remember that magic can exist between me and the broader universe, and not just in the affirmative connections with other humans. I am the creator of me. I can be that self again, I can walk on a carpet of my own curling, growing life. I can -- and must -- find unfiltered nourishment, straight from source.

I got caught up in the magic of community and forgot the magic of solitude. A single evening reading feminist writings and listening to music in the newly created self-extension of my room (which isn't even complete yet!) has brought it back for me. Community was a new magic, a potent one, and I filled my life with it until there was nothing else. Then situations made it difficult to get community and I had forgotten any other way, so I got hungrier and weaker until I accidentally created solo magic again and oh, relief.

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

( important events in 2011 )

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

So barely two weeks ago I started dating a new person, Adi. After the second intimacy practice, Kyle and John and Adi and I hung out and Adi had lots of wine and grape-bravely told me that ze wanted to be romantic with me (after I asked what ze was thinking); the next day I emailed and asked if that was true now that ze was sober and if so, what it meant. After some conversation we decided to date... and on that first date I fell completely and utterly in love. We talked so nakedly; I shared about things that my faith is delicate on (even things that still feel too scary to share on LJ).

And it went from being friendly metamours (metamour: the lover of one's lover) to deep nourishing intense erotic romantic love. I am full of adoration but more than that, I already feel incredibly close and united, to a level I've rarely experienced. There is no nervousness left, no worries, no doubts (the fear-spark is gone, haha) -- I know that Adi is going to be in my life for the rest of it (even if I cannot predict how), and I feel pretty sure that it's going to be a deeply-intertwined relationship for all that time. I feel as confident about it as I do about Hannah being in my life forever; I don't feel even a little worried that Adi is going to develop a life that I cannot fit into. We already have conflict resolution that feels safe and understanding on both sides (something that took a long time to build with the others I have it with). I'm intensely empathetic with Adi, to the point where zir intoxication gets me intoxicated without me imbibing directly (even with intoxicants that have no direct effect on me).

And I see a similar thing between Kyle and Adi as far as the connection goes. It's interesting because I connect with both of them SO much, and they connect with each other in a way that is very different from how they each connect with me. Some of it doesn't really translate (like video games and strategy board games) but it's still similar enough that the three of us spend time together without it feeling like 2 and 1. Also Adi and I being together has shifted their relationship dramatically -- in large part because I talked to Adi about Kyle and then relayed Adi's feelings to Kyle, who then confessed that ze had held back, thinking that Adi wasn't all that emotionally invested. They talked about it and it created a new openness and mutual awareness ;-) [they started dating September 22nd of last year] I could see the three of us forming a triad (I've been pondering what that means) but I don't feel an urge to set any expectations or specific commitments (and I don't think they do either) so for now we're just a very linked triangle (with branches).

I feel stunned at how rapidly this has developed and how incredibly strong it is already. I feel like I planted an acorn two weeks ago and it's already a large enough tree to climb and sit in. And I already feel changed; I feel like there is a part of me that finds resonance in Adi that I have been yearning for, and now that part is blooming, unfurling.

Two years ago I wrote my thoughts and feelings on BDSM, with this disclaimer, "my thoughts on this are not firm or concrete, and remember that this opinion may change." And it has. Part of it hasn't -- I still feel that practicing power imbalance can reinforce/perpetuate inequality, and there are elements that actively upset me (rape/incest/abuse roleplaying, humiliation, objectification, slavery) -- but some of it has changed as I've come to a better understanding of what people mean when they say BDSM. There is a lot that falls under the BDSM umbrella that's not included in the acronym. I used to think that anyone into BDSM/kink was automatically into the use of power exchange but I've learned that this is not the case. So, I want to echo my previous post on power exchange with more accurate language, and then share a bit about the aspects of BDSM that do resonate with me.

( re-posting rather than linking because the old one contained unnecessary paragraphs )

As for the elements that resonate with me? fierceness, high levels of communication about specific acts, sensation play, specific kinds of bondage, and things that are referred to as "kinky" and are fetishes to some, though they don't excite me in a way that I personally consider fetishistic. I associate "fetish" with "automatic erotic response" which I don't think I ever experience (my erotic response is highly situational), but I think that other people use the word "fetish" to simply mean "something that attracts me" so I sometimes use the word that way.

I use the term "fierce" instead of "rough" to describe ( the kind of aggressive sex that I like )

And sensation play? this is a new one for me. I've discovered that things that would cause me pain if I were not aroused feel... I dunno how to describe it. It just feels intense, in a way that amps up my adrenaline. I love being bitten and I like being scratched (with fingernails) -- partly for the sensation and partly for the marks afterward. Being marked makes me feel really loved; it feels like a kiss that I get to wear. (sadly I don't mark easily and mine fade fast, but that makes me even happier about them when they do 'take' and last) And I love feeling ache afterward in my muscles or (every now and then) in a particularly bruisy mark. There are a lot of elements in this category that I'm curious about -- I've tried electric stimulation and even the slightest current is really unpleasant to me (I think I'm just very sensitive to that kind of energy) but there are quite a few other things I want to try. I think I might enjoy flogging or firecupping and I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy wax.

On bondage -- I resonate with bondage for sensation/energetic-current and found that to be amazing, and am definitely interested in exploring that more. I'm also interested in using bondage for trust-building -- I'm still a little undecided on that but want to try it. I think it can be done without power difference, and I'll have to try it to see.


( illustrations -- me and Kyle ♥ )

Two years ago I wrote my thoughts and feelings on BDSM, with this disclaimer, "my thoughts on this are not firm or concrete, and remember that this opinion may change." And it has. Part of it hasn't -- I still feel that practicing power imbalance can reinforce/perpetuate inequality, and there are elements that actively upset me (rape/incest/abuse roleplaying, humiliation, objectification, slavery) -- but some of it has changed as I've come to a better understanding of what people mean when they say BDSM. There is a lot that falls under the BDSM umbrella that's not included in the acronym. I used to think that anyone into BDSM/kink was automatically into the use of power exchange but I've learned that this is not the case. So, I want to echo my previous post on power exchange with more accurate language, and then share a bit about the aspects of BDSM that do resonate with me.

( re-posting rather than linking because the old one contained unnecessary paragraphs )

As for the elements that resonate with me? fierceness, high levels of communication about specific acts, sensation play, specific kinds of bondage, and things that are referred to as "kinky" and are fetishes to some, though they don't excite me in a way that I personally consider fetishistic. I associate "fetish" with "automatic erotic response" which I don't think I ever experience (my erotic response is highly situational), but I think that other people use the word "fetish" to simply mean "something that attracts me" so I sometimes use the word that way.

I use the term "fierce" instead of "rough" to describe ( the kind of aggressive sex that I like )

And sensation play? this is a new one for me. I've discovered that things that would cause me pain if I were not aroused feel... I dunno how to describe it. It just feels intense, in a way that amps up my adrenaline. I love being bitten and I like being scratched (with fingernails) -- partly for the sensation and partly for the marks afterward. Being marked makes me feel really loved; it feels like a kiss that I get to wear. (sadly I don't mark easily and mine fade fast, but that makes me even happier about them when they do 'take' and last) And I love feeling ache afterward in my muscles or (every now and then) in a particularly bruisy mark. There are a lot of elements in this category that I'm curious about -- I've tried electric stimulation and even the slightest current is really unpleasant to me (I think I'm just very sensitive to that kind of energy) but there are quite a few other things I want to try. I think I might enjoy flogging or firecupping and I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy wax.

On bondage -- I resonate with bondage for sensation/energetic-current and found that to be amazing, and am definitely interested in exploring that more. I'm also interested in using bondage for trust-building -- I'm still a little undecided on that but want to try it. I think it can be done without power difference, and I'll have to try it to see.


( illustrations -- me and Kyle ♥ )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

( important events in 2010 )

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet!

We're about 6 weeks into this unexpected ebullient mutual orbit (we'd seen each other maybe three times and never had a real conversation before the spontaneous hang-out which ended in kisses and my heart flinging itself at zir and three days later love-confessions). Kyle is... incredible. Kyle has what I think of as a tumbleweed spirit* -- ze has wandering feet and a passionate love for chaos (whether fortuitous or no). Holding zir hand and walking is an invitation to adventure; I'm so thrilled to have found a wildchild who wants to share life with me (for my heart is a child that stumbles lonely for the arms of the wild). We are strays and if you feed us we'll keep coming back but close the door behind us and we panic. We've been smiled upon by the Deity I've yet to speak of here. I know that ze is one I can nestle under trestles with and one I can make the most ridiculous 'mistakes' with and one who also sees that beauty in the dark and the dirty and the broken. And ze's a bard, and I mean that in the truest and most sacred way. Ze wears zir violin nearly everywhere and offers gifts of living song to anyone who shows an openness to receive -- and sometimes just to Music, and every now and then to Love. And oh, I've never met anyone so clearly and constantly open, seemingly down to core. The amount of bravery in that absolutely breaks my heart (in that way that only the most intense beauty can). How ze came to practice openness/honesty so constantly without any encouragement I cannot even understand but I am so grateful.


*edited after I learned that "gypsy" is a racial slur.

I know I haven't written in ages upon ages -- there has been just SO MUCH happening I've not even had the time to check my email. And I JUST realized that it's been an entire MONTH. I thought it had been two weeks because my life has practically been on fast-forward. I've been sick for the past three weeks or so, I think mainly because of the pace of life. It seems to be settling some now and hopefully that means I'll recover.

So, I moved in at Serendipity on the 18th and I've started working in exchange for room and board (mainly helping to fix up their old house so it can be rented out). I'm nervous about it because having business arrangements with people I care about has mostly led to broken relationships. But I do have the one example of that NOT happening (the Wynnes) and this feels more like that than the others did, so I'm hopeful that this will turn out to be mutually beneficial and not slanted one way or the other. It helps that they have experience with this sort of arrangement.

I want to write about the incredible beauty of love and change but words are so damn pale and my heart spends itself all day long in the unspoken poetry of kissing and biting and caressing and hugging and eye contact, and yes words but they're not the kind that drip glitter and petals -- they're the kind that build glorious-but-sharp castles out of shared pain and joy, desire and wonder, fear and hope. They're salted with tears and spiced with blood. Everything is so complex and blended. I live in constant sharing -- what are you thinking? what are you feeling? with almost never a serious refusal/absence of answer (Arizona WILL answer "nothing" when ze wants to tease, which is pretty much whenever the answer involves desire :-p). I've yearned for that for so long, so long. Daily communication, especially the sharing of emotional reactions, is so important to me. You know how my yearly Hannah-visits were such a source of joy and growth for me? this is like that, only with more people and for a longer time (I'm soooo yearning to have Hannah and Nick come meet everyone, oh so much).

And I've not written about Kyle really at all yet! ( remedying that! )

Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. ( I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.

Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).

Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. ( I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it )

Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

( important events in 2009 )

I did this two years ago and it was transformative -- I feel that it was one of the main reasons that 2008 was such an amazing year for me. 2009 certainly brought me a lot of beauty and joy (and I intend to write about that), but it also brought me pain that cut deeper than any I've felt since I was working through sexual abuse. I am going to move past this; I am going to heal; I am going to have faith and trust again. Writing this out and burning it is my statement to the universe that this pain is not going to remain with me.



( burning the pain/negativity of 2009, celebrating 2010 )

I did this two years ago and it was transformative -- I feel that it was one of the main reasons that 2008 was such an amazing year for me. 2009 certainly brought me a lot of beauty and joy (and I intend to write about that), but it also brought me pain that cut deeper than any I've felt since I was working through sexual abuse. I am going to move past this; I am going to heal; I am going to have faith and trust again. Writing this out and burning it is my statement to the universe that this pain is not going to remain with me.



( burning the pain/negativity of 2009, celebrating 2010 )

There's a hunger in me, a soul-deep craving. It is time to dive into something dark and wild. Time to be poured, stretched, turned inside out, consumed by something so vastly much larger than me, in which I am more significant, not less. I need an intense cleansing ritual, something that strips me to bare bones. Something that licks away my flesh, flings my spirit wide open. I feel such an intense drive but no direction; I don't know how to do this! I need guidance! I need I want I will I need I want I will I NEED I WANT I WILL.

There's a hunger in me, a soul-deep craving. It is time to dive into something dark and wild. Time to be poured, stretched, turned inside out, consumed by something so vastly much larger than me, in which I am more significant, not less. I need an intense cleansing ritual, something that strips me to bare bones. Something that licks away my flesh, flings my spirit wide open. I feel such an intense drive but no direction; I don't know how to do this! I need guidance! I need I want I will I need I want I will I NEED I WANT I WILL.

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

My life's been an explosion of change the past week; I moved out of my ex's place and in with Ash -- it had been sort of a vague possibility and all of a sudden it just happened. I'm still sort of reeling from that -- I think I was ready to move but at the same time, I had lived in that apartment for FIVE YEARS almost to the day, which is a very long time to me. It feels like a rebirth. I've gotten almost all settled (my altar isn't set up yet because I need a tall person's help to hang the curtain) and I feel rather in awe of my space. It's such a relief to have a space I can go that is entirely mine, where I can decorate however I want and do whatever I want without worrying about how it affects someone else. I hadn't realized just how much I edited out of concern for my ex -- I did it freely and don't regret it, but oh I'm enjoying just being free. And it's lovely to have Ash as my flatmate! I had anticipated it being more of an adjustment but it's been so comfortable to share space with zir, as if we'd already been doing it for ages.

I found out that I'm not going on the equality ride next spring, which is a huge disappointment to say the least. I'd really felt like this was the perfect time for it, but I suppose it wasn't because it's not happening. I would be more crushed but I'm choosing to have faith that it's not happening because there's something better for me. I'm feeling a little shakier about having moved further north because I'd put off moving to Atlanta mostly because I was planning on moving after the equality ride anyway. But then, the timing of my unplanned move and the rejection news makes me think it was meant to happen this way. And I feel like living with Ash is really important right now, though I couldn't say exactly why -- it just feels right. So I've started looking for a job in the area and should hopefully hear back from some people within the week. It's really bothering me to have to use my legal name but it would probably make a serious tangle to change it before the divorce so oh well.

Speaking of which, I've been thinking about asking everyone to call me James for a while, even those who do know me well... ( ambivalence )

And even moving, officially separating from my ex, shifting plans for life -- these things are petty compared to the emotional and spiritual changes going on with me right now. This connection I have with Ben feels like it's altering me radically and it's got me constantly spinning -- I feel like I'm in a transdimensional whirlwind and I have no idea where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to be when I get there. I've felt deeply moved by connections before, even like I was metamorphosing, but never like I was shifting so fast I couldn't mark the stages. I'm just letting it shift me, watching with my eyes as wide as they'll go, living this alchemy as fully as I can. And oh, so thrillingly ecstatically loving it.

So I run out but not away
shooting off sparks into the dark, out in the street
‘cause one day I am going to bloom
patient and proud
with fish in my mouth
and eyes in my wings
What kind of creature shall I be?
Midsummer Night's Dream -- Noe Venable

I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between

I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do? ( how it feels )

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

I find it so difficult to express what it's like to be with Ben, but it's almost all I want to talk about! It's so inCREDIBLE. I've been practicing openness as a focus of my life for about five years, and had it as a mutual focus in most of my relationships, so I thought I knew what openness felt like. Now I'm realizing that I'd only had little tastes: flashes or moments of complete mutual openness. My ex-partner and I had rare moments of it in sex or in prayer; Hannah and I had short stretches of it when we were both in happy, healthy places; Aurilion and I sort of had it when we focused on it, but it was shallower because ze simply didn't know much of zirself and therefore couldn't share much; Viv and I had it for those first two days when we met and have had moments of it since then; but I've NEVER experienced it in this sustained way. Every single second we touch or look at each other, we're connected intensely, completely, and it builds and builds to where I feel like I'm going to faint or cry because it's almost too much. I feel my own feelings and the reflections of zir feelings, so it's like I experience it twice at once! And for once it's not a struggle to have faith in the connection, because it IS sustained and while I can doubt a moment or a flash, I can't doubt hours on end. It's just so unequivocally THERE. And not only does it build while we're spending time together, but it feels like each time we see each other, it's stronger.

in perfect stillness
we flow into each other;
there's no space between

I'm so utterly wide-eyed in wonder over this... and thinking, if those little moments I'd had before created such ripples in my life, what is this doing and what is it going to do? ( how it feels )

In other news, Ash was quite offended at being put in a bulleted post that included a complaint about my ex and demanded zir own post but I don't respond well to demands so you get put in a Ben post, howd'yalikethatASH??? But I'm actually moving in with zir! Tomorrow the books 'n' furniture are going and then I'm going to collect the bits and pieces and then, and THEN, I'm going to have MY OWN SPACE for the first time in almost 6 years!!! I cannnnnnnot wait! And I'm pretty excited about having Ash as a flatmate too, because ze's my kin (not blood-kin but kin in the way that matters) and I think that it's going to be lovely to bond more with zir. And I think we'll work well as flatmates because we enjoy sharing but also are pretty good at recognizing our boundaries and communicating them. And our flat is so beautiful and peaceful -- and when I walked into my room at 6pm, I fell to my knees in delight because it was SO FULL OF LIGHT. But I refuse to take share any photos until I have my new room all set up :-p

B (soon-to-be-ex-partner) just told me that ze "doesn't agree with" my "philosophies and lifestyle," and in fact hasn't for years. I've never been so betrayed; I've been lied to in such a massive way. I can't even really take it in. I've been living with a stranger.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to trust anymore. Who the fuck am I without that? How am I so easily fooled? Why do I trick myself into believing things that are so OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE??? Why don't I ever listen to my mind when things don't add up?

And I'm pretty angry with myself right now because I keep making the same fucking mistake. ( ... )

B (soon-to-be-ex-partner) just told me that ze "doesn't agree with" my "philosophies and lifestyle," and in fact hasn't for years. I've never been so betrayed; I've been lied to in such a massive way. I can't even really take it in. I've been living with a stranger.

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to trust anymore. Who the fuck am I without that? How am I so easily fooled? Why do I trick myself into believing things that are so OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE??? Why don't I ever listen to my mind when things don't add up?

And I'm pretty angry with myself right now because I keep making the same fucking mistake. ( ... )

Yesterday my partner B (who is not actually my partner anymore) went with me to the Thursday night pagan meeting (which is actually a meeting for queer pagans, but queerness isn't usually the focus). This is shocking for ( many reasons )

Later we talked a little bit about it and ze said ze wants to continue doing things like that with me -- stepping outside of zir comfort zone and exploring things that interest me, and things that both interest and scare zir. (like being more open and 'out' -- ze actually agreed to having a talk with zir parents about polyamory and queerness, though I haven't checked back to see if that's still true after ze's had time to think more about it. I think if it's discussed openly that'll take away some of the fear of disapproval -- even if they disapprove, ze'll know how much, and I don't think it'll be as bad as ze thinks it will) I'm not sure what to think of this change, because it's so sudden and HUGE, but if it lasts as it continues I think it will be a whole new kind of relationship. Ze said that ze wants to develop a friendship with me and maybe become lovers eventually. I found that a little surprising too, because I hadn't considered us quite so... ended, but that seems to be an honest view of it.

It feels like B has let go of me in a partnership way, which feels delightfully freeing, and even though everything is STILLLLLLLLLLL tangled and unsure (are we going to stay legally married or go through the hassle/expense of a divorce? when/how are we going to arrange separate living?) and this is really brand new, I'm enjoying it so far. And I feel like being lovers-not-partners is absolutely the best choice now.

Yesterday my partner B (who is not actually my partner anymore) went with me to the Thursday night pagan meeting (which is actually a meeting for queer pagans, but queerness isn't usually the focus). This is shocking for ( many reasons )

Later we talked a little bit about it and ze said ze wants to continue doing things like that with me -- stepping outside of zir comfort zone and exploring things that interest me, and things that both interest and scare zir. (like being more open and 'out' -- ze actually agreed to having a talk with zir parents about polyamory and queerness, though I haven't checked back to see if that's still true after ze's had time to think more about it. I think if it's discussed openly that'll take away some of the fear of disapproval -- even if they disapprove, ze'll know how much, and I don't think it'll be as bad as ze thinks it will) I'm not sure what to think of this change, because it's so sudden and HUGE, but if it lasts as it continues I think it will be a whole new kind of relationship. Ze said that ze wants to develop a friendship with me and maybe become lovers eventually. I found that a little surprising too, because I hadn't considered us quite so... ended, but that seems to be an honest view of it.

It feels like B has let go of me in a partnership way, which feels delightfully freeing, and even though everything is STILLLLLLLLLLL tangled and unsure (are we going to stay legally married or go through the hassle/expense of a divorce? when/how are we going to arrange separate living?) and this is really brand new, I'm enjoying it so far. And I feel like being lovers-not-partners is absolutely the best choice now.

Right now B and I are trying to figure out if we should stay lovers, and last night we had a short, intense conversation about that. B has been putting the absolute minimum effort into the relationship -- ze will talk with me and work on stuff when I confront zir about actually doing something that hurts me, but creating something more than polite neutrality is something ze hasn't tried to do in any sustained way. And while I can demand respect, affection is something else. I know that ze notices my affection because ze complains whenever I stop being affectionate, but when I AM being affectionate ze completely ignores it. Even intense, sustained affection (doing many special things for several days in a row) produces no more than a slight response (and it's not a languages thing, because we have very similar love languages, and I give in the ways ze likes). We've wondered if it's a chemical thing, if ze needs to go on medication, but ze won't go to the doctor. We've wondered if it's a spiritual thing, but ze won't try anything spiritual. We've wondered if it's an emotional thing, but ze won't go to a therapist. Ze refuses to try any avenue to help, and then expects sympathy for zir numbness/depression/disconnection/apathy. And I have been sympathetic and empathetic and all that, but what it really boils down to is that ze doesn't want to get better at loving me or ze would try SOMETHING. I don't think I'm that hard to love either, in fact I require next to nothing in affection because I do get so much love from so many people that I really don't need much (I'm lucky that way) -- but why call it a relationship if there's no affection (or only one-way affection)? I don't see a reason to, and I won't stay in a relationship out of sheer wishfulness -- no matter how good the sex is (that is the one area where ze can be affectionate) or how much I love zir.

I think that B's lack of giving is caused partly by emotional and spiritual (and possibly chemical) issues, but mostly by simple lack of skill. ( I think giving is a skill one has to learn / B has prided zirself on being 'efficient' )

Right now B and I are trying to figure out if we should stay lovers, and last night we had a short, intense conversation about that. B has been putting the absolute minimum effort into the relationship -- ze will talk with me and work on stuff when I confront zir about actually doing something that hurts me, but creating something more than polite neutrality is something ze hasn't tried to do in any sustained way. And while I can demand respect, affection is something else. I know that ze notices my affection because ze complains whenever I stop being affectionate, but when I AM being affectionate ze completely ignores it. Even intense, sustained affection (doing many special things for several days in a row) produces no more than a slight response (and it's not a languages thing, because we have very similar love languages, and I give in the ways ze likes). We've wondered if it's a chemical thing, if ze needs to go on medication, but ze won't go to the doctor. We've wondered if it's a spiritual thing, but ze won't try anything spiritual. We've wondered if it's an emotional thing, but ze won't go to a therapist. Ze refuses to try any avenue to help, and then expects sympathy for zir numbness/depression/disconnection/apathy. And I have been sympathetic and empathetic and all that, but what it really boils down to is that ze doesn't want to get better at loving me or ze would try SOMETHING. I don't think I'm that hard to love either, in fact I require next to nothing in affection because I do get so much love from so many people that I really don't need much (I'm lucky that way) -- but why call it a relationship if there's no affection (or only one-way affection)? I don't see a reason to, and I won't stay in a relationship out of sheer wishfulness -- no matter how good the sex is (that is the one area where ze can be affectionate) or how much I love zir.

I think that B's lack of giving is caused partly by emotional and spiritual (and possibly chemical) issues, but mostly by simple lack of skill. ( I think giving is a skill one has to learn / B has prided zirself on being 'efficient' )

so, that thing that I mentioned I told Viv (and I also told Ash), which is hard to put into words -- I'm gonna try. Even though I just kinda wanna scream and flail, I'm so confused and conflicted.

Recently I realized that I don't want to be partnered anymore. And it's not really about B [my partner]; I've been pretty satisfied with us lately. ( but the old reasons don't work anymore and I don't have current ones. )

I'm not sure if I will ever want to be partners with anyone again. I'm feeling more and more like that is not for me. I almost feel like it is a personal calling of sorts to be... alone, in that sense. I have this vision of my heart and my living space as this place where people can come and go, stay as long as they like or just stop in. Ever since I was a little kid I dreamed about having my own place and living alone. I wasn't the kind of little girl who daydreamed about a wedding followed by husband and kids -- I daydreamed about living alone in a world all of my own making, always with a house big enough for having plenty of visitors but with a whole floor all to myself. Plenty of animal friends but no person who shared a claim on my space (even if they were a long-term guest). I gave up this dream to be with B because I loved zir, but now I'm realizing that I can have true, deep love without giving up that dream, that part of myself.

Unfortunately I may lose B. ( Ze's having a really hard time with this )

so, that thing that I mentioned I told Viv (and I also told Ash), which is hard to put into words -- I'm gonna try. Even though I just kinda wanna scream and flail, I'm so confused and conflicted.

Recently I realized that I don't want to be partnered anymore. And it's not really about B [my partner]; I've been pretty satisfied with us lately. ( but the old reasons don't work anymore and I don't have current ones. )

I'm not sure if I will ever want to be partners with anyone again. I'm feeling more and more like that is not for me. I almost feel like it is a personal calling of sorts to be... alone, in that sense. I have this vision of my heart and my living space as this place where people can come and go, stay as long as they like or just stop in. Ever since I was a little kid I dreamed about having my own place and living alone. I wasn't the kind of little girl who daydreamed about a wedding followed by husband and kids -- I daydreamed about living alone in a world all of my own making, always with a house big enough for having plenty of visitors but with a whole floor all to myself. Plenty of animal friends but no person who shared a claim on my space (even if they were a long-term guest). I gave up this dream to be with B because I loved zir, but now I'm realizing that I can have true, deep love without giving up that dream, that part of myself.

Unfortunately I may lose B. ( Ze's having a really hard time with this )

Sunday I went to Ash's wedding! It turned out to be a lovely day; witnessed an inspiring ceremony, spent charming time with Anna (camilleyun) for the first time in person (after knowing zir for many years online), visited GORGEOUS river & woods, and had many interesting conversations. I rode with elya (my partner's twin) and Miss K (my partner's parent) on the way to the falls after the ceremony and we had a fascinating conversation about how we define our morals and what our core values are (which is something I want to post on! feel free to guess my top 5 values :D). Then at the falls Anna and I sat in the shade (because I came completely unprepared for water or sun or slippery rocks) and talked about the nature of communication and connection. It was a really encouraging conversation and I felt really at home with Anna; I look forward to meeting up again ♥ Eventually those attempting to heat the grill admitted defeat and we headed back to Ash's to FINALLY have some food. There, Wolf and I had a really fascinating conversation about intellectual and spiritual responsibility and our slightly-different-but-still-agreeing views on the use of 'force' (manipulation, authoritative behavior), and then Ash and Stuart and Wolf discussed the balance of marriage (and I piped in every now and then). It was really great to spend more time with Nikki and Wolf, especially Wolf because I realized that while zir language can be very gendered, ze doesn't actually believe in most of the sexist concepts that zir language would seem to imply (I'm not talking about rude stuff -- I'm talking about phrases like "guy talk" or "you know women and shoes"). So while it still makes me twitch a bit, it doesn't bother me like it would otherwise. And when I say something contradictory in response ze doesn't get defensive or annoyed, so I don't feel like I need to bite my tongue all the time. And I just really enjoy zir company! Ze's one of the most warm and open-minded (yet stubborn! a rare combo which I enjoy :D) people I've ever met.

The whole group just had such a great dynamic! Next time I want to add in Viv, Sara, Shel, Ryan, Kat K, and maybe one or two others -- I actually have local people who I'd call FRIENDS. How fucking insanely fantastic is that???



( many photos! )