you can only measure emotional selfishness in bad times / racism is a system, bigotry is an attitude
icon: "voltaic (photo of me with rainbow reflections on my face, leaning my head at a sharp angle and staring intently at the camera)"
I can't bear selfishness, especially when it kills empathy. If you can't care about someone else's feelings when you are angry at them or hurt by them, what good is your love? NONE. it is USELESS. And I know that sometimes I am selfish like this, but I try my best not to be and when I fuck it up and don't keep compassion present, I apologize and do my best to help heal any hurt I have caused. That's what I ask from others. I'm not sure if selfishness should be a dealbreaker, or how many times it takes to decide that it's not just occasional accidents but the general way of handling things.
Doing stuff for other people that makes you feel good is not a test of love, not remotely. You can be the most romantic, gift-giving, affectionate-words-using, cuddly, playful, service-giving person when you're happy, but if you turn into an attacking beast when you're upset, that means you are NOT LOVING, you just like the reactions your niceness gives. Love doesn't vanish when anger or hurt happens. Selfish giving does vanish. You can tell how much someone loves you by how well they treat you when they are upset with you.
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all white people are racist. not all white people are bigoted. racism is a system you are born into. bigotry is an attitude you can choose.
I'm using the sociological definition of racism as an institutionalized system of inequality. Individual acts of bigotry against white people are not called racism because they aren't something that exists in a nation-wide or world-wide way, enforced by laws and educational systems and media etc. Bigotry based on your skin is painful and horrible to experience no matter who you are. But if it was racism, a systemic problem, then every white person you know would have a similar set of daily experiences. People hating you for who you are is bigotry, prejudice- it only becomes oppression if it is something that no one in your group can escape. If I try to make it as simple as possible, bigotry is an individual problem which can be escaped by avoiding those individuals who are bigoted. Racism is a social system which cannot be escaped because you can't avoid the laws and other forms of institutional inequality like educational systems. Sometimes white people suffer under bigotry, but white people never have to deal with racism, at least not in the US.
Also, fucking amen to the racism/bigotry thing. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to explain this and people just completely refuse the information.
I just had a "conversation" with someone about this on tumblr (they were "anonymous" so it wasn't a real conversation, I just responded to whiney post they made) I wish I'd have seen this earlier, it's a great way of explaining this
That's what I do as well.
As I said on Facebook, that distinction of racism and bigotry is really interesting to me and it makes way more sense than the dictionary definition. Sadly, if you'd explain it to people here, most of them would probably shut down totally at hearing "all white people are racist" and get all offended instead of trying to see what is really meant :(
Billions of people (myself included) participate in racism. Assuming the best of people, I expect that most do it unconsciously.
That being said, I do like the distinction made between racism and bigotry, definitely important for white people who think they've been the victim of racism.
Just before the event, I bumped into them in the street. It was so unexpected, so outside of any scenarios I had already thought through that when they said hello I was just incredibly surprised, blinked and said hello back. We fell into step together companionably and chatted normally [although by unspoken agreement we did not discuss the issue], and hung out for most of the evening at the event. The next day I wondered if I'd been weak, not making a point of trying to hurt them. Then I read this and realised that my natural reaction, my true reaction was just to get along with them, and show them that I cared. Thank you for helping me to realise I wasn't being weak and 'too kind'.
*love*
It's the hard times that put our love to the test, the times when we're most resistant to loving. To love and be loved through these times of hurt and difficulty is a beautiful gift.
Usually what happens when whites are the minority in the US is that they are still the oppressors, given all the best jobs. Look at Baltimore. There was some kind of federal contract hiring used as an example, can't remember specifics, but the data shouldn't be too hard to find if you're curious.
What about people who have issues that cause them to say or do the wrong thing in tough situations, i.e. cannot show their love when they have been hurt? Would you say they aren't capable of truly loving someone?
And while many political systems are racist, I'm not sure that makes people living within the system racists. Isn't a racist someone who supports racism, whether deliberately or not?
Yes, a racist is someone who supports racism, whether deliberately or not (usually not deliberately: that's a bigot). People who are privileged in a racist system (white people) automatically support racism whether they want to or not. You can unlearn as much as you can but there will always be aspects of racism there. That's how privilege works. An example in the US: Black people know white cultural references, but the opposite is not true. This is racist, as it maintains white cultural references as the 'important' ones that 'everyone' should know (and for many other reasons). You get this cultural knowledge from a lifetime of exposure, and there is no way you can fully counteract that. All you can do is try to improve: no white person can perfectly undo their years of deeply subconscious racist training. Same for men unlearning sexism, cis people unlearning cissexism, etc.
By the way, I think it says a lot for both of you that you were able to reach this consensus and act accordingly.
I see what you mean about racism, and of course I can't judge how it is in the US. I'll just trust you there.
Here in Germany we have a large Turkish community, and it is considered important to know Turkish/Muslim culture to some degree, e.g. our school's calendar shows the beginning and end of Ramadan etc. So while there certainly is racism in Germany, I would not say that the oppressed culture is considered "not important".