Profile

belenen: (Default)
belenen

June 2017

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 

Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (Default)
2016 summary: some of the best weeks and worst months of my life.
icon: "confused (photo of a purple diamond-shaped sign with a line leading to four arrows all curving and pointing in different directions)"

I started 2016 with a lot of hope. In January I connected a lot with Kylei, Sande, and Hannah; I had two graduation parties and started making more plans to spend time with people, and I started meditating weekly-ish with Elizabeth. But by the end of January I ended up in a dark crash over how little I felt connected to people. The beginning of February was a little better -- I got to go to Big Trees with some of my favorite people, and Topaz hosted Heather's birthday which was also nourishing and fun. But then I went to a party at Kylei's and had a terrible anxiety crash which ended up leaking into the next day and causing a horrifically painful miscommunication with Topaz. Later that month I went to the activist meet-and-greet for the first time after meaning to go for ages, and met three awesome new people. But just introducing myself made my heart beat painfully hard. At the end of February I asked my psychiatrist to prescribe me anxiety meds and start being medicated for that for the first time.

In March I did a lot of social -- met with four friends as well as with my ex-mother-in-law. I also began a four-week break with Topaz, in an effort to re-set our relationship which had become too central for both of us. In April I had two tinder fails (one flaked and the other I could hardly talk with), made a new friend, hosted a crafty party and a cuddly communion, spent time with Roger and Serenity, and went to Euphoria where I gave a talk on intimacy and made a game with it. (yeah I'd say that the anxiety meds were helping!) In May I spent a lot of time with Serenity and Evelyn, hosted a cuddly communion, spent time with Katie, Allison, Serra, and Indie, and wrote a lot of important posts. In June I spent lots of time with Serenity, presented at APW and SFQP, hung out with Arizona, Sande, Allison, Kylei, Evelyn, and Cass, and had a truth-or-truth videochat with LJ friends, as well as writing a lot of important posts.

In July stuff started getting very stressful -- Topaz went through something really traumatic, Kanika had a medical emergency and I had to take her to the vet, my little sister came in town unexpectedly, and I ran out of money and had to start begging from my bioparents. But also I spent lots of good time with Serenity and had several gathers -- two with my lil sis, also Katie, Allison, Hannah, Kylei, Elliott, Evelyn, Sande, Cass, and even Adi, so that part was positive. But August brought a lot of painful stuff for Topaz, was when I ran out of ADD meds with no access to a doctor, and was the last time I saw Evelyn for months. Roger and Allison were supportive and helpful, and I went to a SONG membership meeting which gave me hope like nothing else except for TBC ever has.

September I got a job at Starbux and finally started getting call backs and interviews for a few of the hundreds of applications I had sent. My awful bioparents also invaded my house and stayed for a month, harassing me about money, rearranging my stuff and throwing some of it away without my permission, invading my bedroom, and being transphobic. October was mostly filled up with my awful bioparents and working at Starbux but at the very end I began doing LJ Idol again. In November things got still worse -- Evelyn officially broke things off with me and Kylei blew up at me and told me we can't be friends. Then later that month Evelyn invited me to a party at their house which ended up being an emotional disaster. I quit Starbux for my new job.

December was a very mixed bag. I started my new job, which was amazing; I got a new psychiatrist and finally got medicated for ADD again; I got to spend time with Arizona, Felix, Felix's people Blaire and Shay, Allison, Jonathan, Heather, Brian, Jessica, and my little sister. But also, my grandmother died and I had to spend time with my awful biofamily, and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn't really enjoy Solstice. It was also a sad reminder of my estrangement from Kylei and Evelyn, because I wanted them at Solstice so much.

detailed events )


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
unintentional haitus? oops.
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

Hi friends!

I've gotten terribly behind and I miss all of you. I was unfriended by a few people, one of whom I really cared about. I don't think it was the content of the stuff I did post so much as the lack of other posts and comments on people's journals, because it's probably been at least two months since I was really keeping up. When I was working at starbux, I had no energy for anything because it took so much work to be social AND on my feet for many hours AND parsing sound constantly. I just watched netflix with my spare time, or did necessary chores or watched netflix w Topaz. My new job is amazing and I feel accomplished yet not drained at the end of the day, but it does take 52-60 hours a week including driving and time for lunch (I take a 30 min lunch). And I haven't worked 40 hours a week in like 10 years, haven't driven 10-15 hours a week in years also. So I'm still adjusting to that. It will help once work starts back up again because then I will have a set schedule -- starting in December meant having work broken up by off time since we follow the academic calendar to a certain extent. Once I am definitely working M-F I can pick time to dedicate to LJ and manage to do it.

Solstice was amazing and Xmas was relatively low-stress too, but all the hustle and bustle wore me out and I am glad to have this week to recover. I'm still emotionally exhausted and having stress dreams when I sleep, about things like writing a bunch of papers or getting trapped on the wrong floor in a giant building by someone who intended to put me in the 'playpen' which sounded epic levels of ominous.


back to top

belenen: (garrulous)
tweets & fb posts, November 2016
it is very long )


back to top

belenen: (bloodcurdling)
horrible bioparents finally gone, maybe I can return to life
icon: "bloodcurdling (photo of me w wide-eyed snarling wild expression wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

Despite my best efforts I've only managed to post a handful of times in the past six weeks.
I'm so far behind on LJ that I will miss things as I go to catch up -- please forgive me if I make some clueless comment or something.

Not only did I start a new job that is physically and mentally exhausting (I have to do a lot of physical labor, stand for hours at a time, and memorize many things), my parents being here really ruined my mental health. They lie, they invade, they break and ruin, and they make up utter bullshit to justify themselves.

To get through them torturing me this way for a solid month, I spent every spare moment escaping. I rewatched the entirety of Friends despite its problems, because nostalgia made it engaging enough for escape (when I was agoraphobic I watched hours of Friends on DVD every day because it gave me a sense of connection).

a little sample of the bullshit )

I'm about to try and do some clearing, kick their energy out. Hopefully soon I will be able to put my brain in order and not feel so gross.


back to top

belenen: (disassociative)
relationships review: Topaz, Serenity, Allison, Evelyn, Sande, Heather, Kylei, Cass, Jackie, Roger
icon: "disassociative (a digital painting of a stylized person in profile with wide open screaming mouth and arms up with palms spread wide. Head and hands flow into strands like blood vessels)"

Haven't done this since July, which is pretty much the last time I felt mentally okay. Everything has been on hold for at least two months. I'm barely managing my current levels of anxiety. It was already at unprecedented levels due to not having a job yet and then my awful parents invaded my house. Them being in town and constantly in my fucking house makes me want to rip my own brain out. They've done more stressful shit since I last wrote but I just am so sick of talking about them. I want them gone, desperately want them GONE.

I haven't done anything social at all in September, and even my texting has dropped to near-nothing, and I still feel constantly overstimulated in the worst way. I'm going through all these fucking interviews AND working in a customer service job. TOO MUCH.

I'm sorry I haven't replied to comments for a while. I keep meaning to do it but for whatever reason that is the hardest part of LJ for me (I think due to fear of making someone feel slighted by missing their comment and responding to everyone but them) and I can't manage it at the moment. It is not a lack of care though -- I do very much appreciate the care and thoughtfulness you've all shown. It means a lot.

maintaining at good w Topaz )

slowly building w Serenity and Allison )

on hold w Evelyn, Sande, Heather, Kylei, Cass )

new buds w Jackie and Roger )


back to top

belenen: (tenebrous)
recently: depressed, still job-hunting, home suddenly uncertain
icon: "tenebrous (a shadowy orange-light photo of my face, looking down, with an achingly sad expression)"

So, I guess I put off the depression as long as I could. About three weeks ago I stopped being able to fend it off. I've been completely overwhelmed.

illustrations from recent tweets )

I feel like there are blocks on every path but an increasing pressure pushing me forward against them. It seems like an endless succession of this-week-is-more-stressful-than-last, an endless series of needing to make efforts that I can't believe in. Every day that goes by with me not having a job feels like an additional punch of hopelessness and additional proof that I will never be valued by people in power enough to make even what I need to survive. I feel a need to protect myself from more punches so that I don't get too anxious/depressed to function or live, but I have no way to do so. So every day I feel more pressure to get a job immediately, which I have no real control over.

In five months of job hunting, I have applied to so many jobs, literally hundreds. I have gotten a response from no more than five. I have had one interview -- and not for one of the jobs that will actually pay a living wage, but from a cashiering job. Hopefully I will get that and it will tide me over until I can get something that will allow me to actually use my skills, live without excessive worry, and be able to help others. I suppose the good part of it is I have become much less afraid of applying in general. Constant rejection has burned out my sensitivity to it.

Most difficult is lacking something to look forward to. If there was something I could look forward to it would help, but literally every potential joy feels blocked off by one thing or another, and money is a large part of it of course. I can't imagine the future -- it is all greyed out and I feel completely helpless.

my parents might kick me out of the house I am in )

Apologies to new friends -- it's not a great time to be meeting me, but hopefully things will take a turn for the better soon.

No advice, please, but as always you are welcome to share stories from your life.


back to top

belenen: (bloodcurdling)
rant: mediocre bosses make drudges out of the best workers & protect & elevate mediocre workers
icon: "bloodcurdling (photo of me w wide-eyed snarling wild expression wearing "Red Queen" makeup: searingly red lips, darkened pointed eyebrows, black eyeliner, deep red & black eyeshadow accented with gold & silver, and black-outlined silver hearts & diamonds with red shadows on my cheeks)"

The worst person I ever had the displeasure to meet (and I'm including people who abused me as a child) was a boss I had at a retail job. Unlike the people who abused me as a child, this person was cruel on purpose and I consider that far worse. He was a racist, sexist, cissexist, ableist, fat-phobic looksist who never showed compassion, had no sense of humor and literally zero good qualities. He talked about the sex he imagined his teenage son having in a way that made it clear to me that the only reason this shitwad wasn't assaulting young girls was that he didn't think he could get away with it. I can only hope that saves people from becoming his victims.

And this dude thought people liked him. He thought his employees were his friends because they laughed at his awful jokes and pretended to take an interest in his alternately brain-scrapingly boring or skin-crawlingly creepy stories. He hated me because 1) I violated his sexist beliefs by existing 2) I didn't allow him to mock me or put me in my place and 3) I did not laugh at his fat-phobia, islamophobia, racism, or other 'jokes' he made.

He deadnamed me and refused to call me by my real name, and told people hired after me that they could also deadname me. (to which I responded, "you can -- I won't answer to it but you can call me that." None of my coworkers were that disrespectful, at least not to my face) Lest you think that he was rude 'to everyone equally,' let me tell you that at least three other people went by a name that was not their birth name and he respected that fine because they were cis (although, the cis girl with a 'boy' name was always called "miss [name]" but I don't think she minded). When I was saving bottle caps for an art project (with all my co-workers aware and setting the caps aside for me), he asked why they were in a cup on the counter and when I explained that I was saving them, took it and threw it away. In full view of everyone, with no explanation; my coworkers privately expressed empathy for me after that blatant meanness (and symbolic violence). He knew that I lived an hour away and he continually gave me 4-hour shifts, even after I requested longer shifts to make the drive worthwhile, and he gave me shifts that ended at 5 so that I would have two hours to drive rather than one. He lived in the same city as I did, and he left every day at 3. He worked with most people's schedules, even the one who left the city for months at a time.

But it wasn't JUST me who was scapegoated. He also mistreated my Persian coworker partly because she was a transfer and he was angry that he didn't get to pick, partly because he wanted to give her shifts to his 'friends' and partly because he's a fucking racist. She reported him to HR and he responded by cutting her hours until she couldn't afford her apartment and had to move. He mistreated my Jewish coworker by continually scheduling her for Saturday morning, which was the one time she had asked not to be scheduled, even though she was fine with working Saturday evenings after sundown (when other people would rather not work). He did this over and over until she quit. He mistreated my black queer coworker by continually logging her as a regular employee when she was a shift manager so that he could cheat her out of a dollar an hour. She'd have to go in and fix it every time, or he'd steal her money. He mistreated another black coworker by continually belittling him and making him prove himself with tests despite the fact that literally no one else had to do these tests.


When I finally quit (after months of that shitwad trying to get me to do it), I felt panic at the thought of work even for months after. It wasn't until I'd been working for an actually supportive boss for a while that I stopped being terrified. To be scared of doing what you need to do in order to live and to have food and shelter is a profound problem. And I know it would have been at least three times as bad if I hadn't had a safety net.

Insecure abusive bosses require a scapegoat/drudge so that they can maintain social capital with the other employees. They pick one person (or maybe two) and give that person all the worst tasks, the things no one else wants to do. They give them fucking awful schedules so that they can give great ones to others. They make every problem into the scapegoat/drudge's fault. I have seen it not only with the unbearable waste of space that called himself my boss, but also with the bosses of my friends. One friend's boss literally gives them three people's jobs worth of work so that everyone else in the office can do nothing but chat with the boss all day.

This is what happens when you put dysempathetic, mediocre non-leaders in positions of authority. They don't care who they hurt, and they don't care or even realize that they're doing a shit job -- until an underling shows them up, and then they take the credit and punish the underling. Mediocre people respond to their inadequacies by lashing out rather than re-evaluating their behavior or trying to learn. If this happens more than once, that poor underling is the permanent scapegoat/drudge.

Unfortunately a lot of us underlings respond to attack from a boss by trying to do an even better job, which shows up the boss more and makes them more prone to attack rather than less. So honestly, it is often the best workers who are made into the scapegoat/drudges. Mediocre bosses want mediocre or even bad workers and they'll drive the good ones away so that they don't look bad in comparison. Capitalism: making mediocrity profitable.


back to top

belenen: (ADD-PI)
need to write also need to sleep ugh / off my ADD-PI meds so my focus and memory are out the window
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"

Feeling a strong need to write, but don't have time and should have been asleep already as I have to be awake in 5 hours. Got distracted so many times.

I'm off my ADD-PI meds right now because due to some fucked up coincidence I missed my last psychiatrist appointment and they rescheduled me for three weeks later, and I have to actually go in for it because it's a 'controlled' med. I had been steady for over a year, so this has been really fucking with me. I had forgotten what a creative yet disastrous toddler my brain is without medication. I get an idea and just do it, even if I don't want to be doing it right then and I have the intention to do something else. The other day I hand-ground cinnamon with a mortar and pestle (because I hadn't done it before), organized my stationary box (because I had meant to put addresses on cards which I did not do), and rearranged furniture in the living room (because I was tidying and got distracted). Today I was pulling out makeup to bring with me for an event this weekend, and had to test all of the mascaras and eyeliners to see which ones worked (even though I wasn't planning on bringing any of them), and re-organized the box. None of this is to the level of compulsion, but when I don't have a Big Important Reason not to do it, I can't bring myself to stop these things that come to mind; it takes a MASSIVE effort of will. It's a little bit cute the first day, and then it gets increasingly stressful as my sleep schedule gets way fucked up and I get nothing important done and I feel like all my time is wasted and I start getting depressed about how I can't do things I need to do. I also worked on my resume for customer service (ugh) to apply to terrible jobs I don't want (ugh) because the ones I do want are very very slow to hire and I may not even get my application looked at for literally months (one of them said to allow for up to 180 days!!! SIX MONTHS). But then I got frustrated with the application asking me to enter all the shit in my resume into their fucking boxes and (saved and) quit.

Also my short-term memory is already significantly worse and the impact of forgetting to eat is much stronger. I was feeling anxious and lonely and hopeless all of a sudden after getting home today and not sure why because I had taken my anxiety medication. After eating I felt okay again and realized that I have to be much more careful because the effects of not eating go from making me feel a little off to making me feel really awful.

There's all this other stuff I wanna write about but I do have to force myself to go to bed now if I don't want a shit tomorrow.
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (nascent)
work / sickness / snapchat / fb / bioparents / kylei / heather
icon: "nascent (a painting by Michael Whelan of a person with long flowing hair and large breasts sitting naked and cross-legged inside a green egg, which is being held against the sky by giant blue hands with pointy nails)"

Ugh I have my first ever sinus infection (so gross so gross sooo GROSSSSS) and it keeps making me want to puke. I hate it so much I bought a neti pot with my meagre funds to hopefully rinse out some of the oozing slime.

Work is odd, my boss keeps forgetting what I'm doing (???) but I am making some serious progress and I think I might actually be done by the end of the month. When I do finish (hopefully before), I have to get my name officially changed (I have a plan, send me luck pls). It has become a need because literally everything I have done in stats is in my real name, not my legal name. I've got the bones of my website ready and I think it looks really great. I designed it in html5 with lots of newer css tricks which was quite fun. It is as accessible as I could make it, and it should work very well on mobile when I finish. I'm proud of it. I wish I could design websites for money. I also have been working on my portfolio (basically the print version of my website) and I mostly need to figure out exactly what sort of fancy container I need, as I'm sure a 3-ring binder will not do. Then it's time to start applying to all the jobs. That's terrifying.

I have been not writing because first I was ridic busy and then Topaz was SO sick and needed tending and couldn't do more than watch netflix. I can't pay attention to other things when there is a show playing, especially one I like (we're watching Grey's Anatomy, my second time through and Topaz' first). So I did nothing but watch netflix and pet Topaz and fetch them things. But things should settle into a routine now that winter break is past and I hope to be able to meditate regularly and to write daily. I did manage to meditate last week! But I have a bunch of tabs open at home waiting for me to fully read, so I am not up-to-date on your lives yet (tomorrow I think).

Topaz introduced me to snapchat, which at first I hated because it sacrifices usability for streamlined esoteric bullshit which is VERY BAD DESIGN VERY BAD NO BISCUIT. But then Abby was all like 'yeah I do that because it's low stress and so I can actually keep in touch' so I thought I'd give it another shot. I had to google "how to use snapchat" - that's how terrible the design is. But I managed to reassure myself that I wasn't going to accidently break all the things, and also Hannah reinstalled it, and Sydney and Topaz use it regularly and Anita and Trevor and Kylei chat with me on it. Mostly it's Topaz and Hannah that snap with me, but I feel closer to everyone I listed and I actually feel more in touch with myself because I am more aware of what is going on in my life when I think of how to share it. So if you use snapchat as a little window into your daily life let me know your username *smiles*

Yesterday and today I got very stressed out over this argument on facebook that I really just don't want to engage with at all. It's just not worth it because it was my best guess, not an actual fact. I don't care if people disagree with my guess. But it was a bucket of discomfort and it stressed me out because I'm sick of being the voice of doom.

I think overall I am doing okay. My parent P has been helping me over the break (no work means no pay so it's not actually a relief at all) and we have been emailing back and forth with actual content. I think we might be able to connect this way, because with international calls being expensive, they're not going to try to push me to talk on the phone. It's a huge relief to have the help especially because M is being extra terrible and may have fucked up my relationship with my mechanic which is vital to my mobility (M is forcing my mechanic to house a vehicle that M had promised to gift me and then decided it was too much trouble to transfer the title). Such a selfish person. Anyway, P has been there for me, which is a new turn for our relationship, and we have had real conversations (that didn't revolve around M's abuse).

I had a wonderful weekend with Kylei last week. It was very low-key because I was wiped out and I think Kylei was too, but we had a few hours of focus time and a lot of mildly connecty shared-space time. Kylei said they really want to do this again (spend 32+ hours at my house w me) and I love that idea. Hopefully next time I won't be so wiped out and we can have more focus time.

And I had a super lovely hang out with Heather yesterday. We just hung out and talked, but all the talking was very full and nourishing. They shared some difficult and some magical stories with me, and I shared some difficult stories and some wistful feelings with them. At one point I was talking about spaces for public sex or power exchange, and said that the reason I like that and want it is not because of an audience. I would not feel any less happy if no one noticed, and it actually surprises me and throws me for a loop when people do watch (I don't mind, but I also never expect it). The reason I want public intimacies like that is because it is explicitly not-hidden, and that is the thing I want. (I was realizing this as I was saying it, processing it out loud) Heather got very excited and said that they felt the same way and hadn't previously been able to articulate it. We also talked about other things we have strong resonance on, like the experience of being perceived as not-polyamorous or not-queer because of situations external to our choices. And we also finished each others' sentences in a helpful way (not the annoying kind where you have to keep correcting them) and I realized that I feel like Heather and I have a mind connection too. There is some particular thing that makes them very difficult for me to predict sometimes and I'm not sure what it is but I'm very curious about it.


back to top

belenen: (dreamy)
dreams (kanika is in public w me / weird pregnant nun cult red strings / dream-met spiritkin)
icon: "dreamy (a painting by pupasoul of a human figure in a cage, holding a hand out from which radiates light and squiggly sparkly vines of energy)"

15-07-21
Last night i dreamed that i was working at a shop like wal-mart only i was moving slower than ever. At first it was partly in defiance but then i got frustrated and tried to go faster but couldn't. Then the boss called me outside to the middle of a huge group of dining tables where people were sitting and eating, to critique my performance. It was a deliberate attempt at humiliation and i wept in rage and embarrassment. Kanika came running out to comfort me and the audience was moved and was on my side. Later i was at a coffee shop and Kanika came in and sat on my hip/back (somehow this wasn't uncomfortable in the dream). Later I was in a tiny house or fresh-built cabin w my biofamily and some people came over, including someone i just met who i have a crush on. I talked with them and flirted in my awkward non-flirty way. Later we all played truth-or-truth and i got them to be involved by doing a round of political questions (which in waking life sounds terrible).

Then there was this weird bit where i was a nun in a weird cult and was taken to a house where i would live with other nuns, and as i went up the stairs i felt a strange pulling in my crotch, which turned out to be a network of red strings that had been attached to it coming loose. There was a woman lying on a bed covered in blood, with an open wound going up her abdomen. The people bringing me in said that she should have been moved already, this wasn't meant for me to see. Apparently she had given birth and the baby died, and she stopped her bleeding with an herbal remedy, and that was sacrilege as she was supposed to yield to chance (god). When i realized, i went up and asked why she did it, because now they were going to kill her and she traded .00001 chance for none at all. She said she had to do what she could, and handed me the vial she used. I started to take more out to apply to the wound but she said that if i didn't have the capacity to help her escape it would be wasted, to keep it and use it sneakily with feigned prayer instead. She gave me her other powders and i was frantic figuring out what to do with them. Then i was told to pack up her things, including the dress i was wearing (??) so i switched to another dress (from a short black and white one to an ankle-length dark brown one, very baggy, with pockets) and packed up her things as they took her from the room. The other nuns helped me, one in particular who poured their starbucks coffee into the bag so that i could put the herbs into the cup and hide them with the lid. I added absorbent things including rolls of toilet paper and hoped it wouldn't leak out. The soon-to-be-dead nun's bed was going to be mine. Later one of the people came back and put new strings on my crotch. I was worried that they'd go into my flesh but instead they wove around my legs and hips like a harness.
_____

15-07-23
Dream: more real than waking. I hugged someone at a pagan discussion group and the hug felt so perfect we didn't want to let go. We felt very well matched and they told me they wanted to have deep and penetrating... didn't finish the sentence but in the dream it was clear that it wasn't sex they meant but that sex might be included (it sounds way more overt in waking life: in the dream sex was a hint, not the point). I felt perfect resonance w them. They were my height or maybe an inch taller and my size, maybe a little smaller. I think they had 3 young kids and were a single parent? or they were watching someone's kids? Our connection felt like apples which in later dream was explained as artichokes (???) I think their name was Kristy or something similar?

Also there was a part w traveling underground to a stone chamber w a square open to the sky. Felt elated at rain and thunder, danced, and sensed when we needed to move because of potential lightning strike and warned people successfully. Older male people were like, "Give way to us," and I laughed and ignored them, but shared the space rather than punishing them.


back to top

belenen: (ADD-PI)
side effects of being medicated for ADD-PI / meaningful work is so much easier to focus on
icon: "ADD-PI (two electromicroscope photos of crystallized acetylcholine, overlaid & warped in several ways)"


I was worried that the heart flutters I was experiencing were due to my ADD meds, so I cut them in half for two days and forgot them entirely on the third. I then went back on them, but it was long enough to realize that there is a cumulative memory effect, which is SO STRANGE. On the fourth day, after being back on them, my memory was only slightly better than the 3rd day with none. I'm sure it's a short lived effect and it may be confirmation bias, but it reminded me of how awful it was to have no meds or insufficient meds, where I couldn't keep anything in my head.

Another thing is that my tendency to depression gets shifted oddly. Without meds, I do nothing and feel no motivation to do anything except a sort of wistful longing that turns into hopelessness and depression the longer it goes. While I am on meds, I feel impelled to do something constructive every day, and if I don't act on that, my stability goes downhill fast. But I have to decide on something and do it, because if I just get sucked into something and do a project that takes several hours, I feel like that time was wasted (even if it wasn't) because I didn't CHOOSE to do the thing, my brain took over and wouldn't let me go until I was done.

And there's a thing that I am pretty sure is not related to meds, with work: I feel good when I have a pile of work to do, and I get stressed out when that pile starts to get down to nothing. I think it's because I feel worried that they'll run out of meaningful work and start assigning me useless busy work. If the work is meaningful I am okay with dedicating 99% of my brain to it for hours on end, it's not hard to focus, and I enjoy it. If the work is meaningless, I can't manage to dedicate more than 70% of my brain to it, and that would make me desperately want to quit because I'd be so distracted that the time would creep by like molasses and I'd spend SO MUCH ENERGY trying to stay on task. And I don't want to quit. So I hope they have endless meaningful work for me, but I worry.
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (garrulous)
Blah blah work busy brain fried
icon: "garrulous (a photo of my lips with my skin desaturated and a green fractal overlay over my lips)"

I feel like I've been busy forever ugh. I really just wish I could stay home for a week. I am only scribbling out something short before I go to bed. Last night I felt I didn't have enough time so I stayed up late and regretted it. This morning in the first 3 hours of work I just kept fantasizing about sleep and felt time would never pass. I eventually hooked in to some hyperfocus and the rest of the work passed quickly. Then I got gas and groceries, came home and made a smoothie with a shitton of kale, did laundry, read LJ. I feel like I did nothing because I didn't create, which is what I crave. I also felt weak and my heart was fluttery all day. At least, I think that is what that feeling is. It's  like when you almost fall, but milder and only in my upper chest. It's been happening a few times lately but today was the first time it happened most of the day. It was really uncomfortable.

Yeah I guess that's it, gotta sleep.


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
new job / first Zikr / nervous about school stuff
icon: "overwhelmed (the character Keenan from "Playing By Heart," with hands over their face covering their eyes and head tilted back)"

starting a new job Wednesday (technically tomorrow) which I have been quite stressed about for several reasons -- I don't know what I'll actually be doing (they're gonna train me) and I had to set up an orientation which was very scary because I find bureaucracy, talking on the phone, and deadlines all terrifying and I had to deal with all of them. Also I ended up having to call five times because I kept getting dumped into dead-end transfers. Still have a ton of paperwork and hoops to jump through *scared frown*

And I went to a Sufi Zikr for the first time this Sunday. It wasn't what I expected (we met in someone's home and most of the attendees were white) but I enjoyed it and I felt hyper-aware of people's reactions to me. I couldn't get fully into it because the energy of the place was distracting. I felt like there was something behind me, possibly because it was a home and I may have felt presences who live there who were not introduced. But the chanting was really beautiful and I always appreciate being around people who feel genuine devotion, and I felt a connection to the source of life in that room. I felt included and very appreciative of that -- even the person I felt the most resistance from made an attempt to express understanding (talking about how their teenage kid taught them about trans people and using people's preferred pronouns). I think that unless I can find a person to carpool with I won't attend further except remotely, because it is just too much of a drive.

I want to attend a Sikh Kirtan service and hope to do that this Friday. It's been on my intentions list for months now but I just haven't had the extra energy.

I should have been asleep already... so nervous about orientation and dealing with making my minors official tomorrow. Heather is coming with me for the latter because I have found it so worrisome that I keep putting it off forever. I'm relieved that it's going to get done but SO stressed because one of the gatekeepers seems to have become massively uncomfortable with me and will no longer make eye contact or small talk with me. I fear having to talk to them.

I'm way too easily overwhelmed.
sounds: Noe Venable - Don't Stop Crying | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (exuviate)
fuck you perfection I'm taking action: sweeping, crafting, gardening, tidying / time w Kylei / jobs
icon: "exuviate (photo of a dragonfly with shimmery green wings after its last metamorphosis, standing next to its previous exoskeleton)"

frustrated with myself because I've been writing, but not posting because I get to the 99% done point and stall out. Gotta edit, reread, edit, reread, wait and see if I think of something else, ugh. And then I don't write little random posts like this one because I have such a better one and I want to post THAT instead. Whyyyyyy do I get so fixated on perfection? Why do I break my own ethic of taking imperfect action?

Though, I did a number of things today where I didn't let perfect be the murderer of actually-getting-shit-done. Instead of thoroughly sweeping the back porch & stairs and getting every little flake of leaf off, I just did a quick and dirty job -- first time in ages that that porch & stairs has been swept. The pile was more massive than me, no hyperbole. I also set up a rig (not fancy, but sturdy) so that I can hang fabric along the side where there aren't enough trees to block the neighbors, so that I can sit out there in nature without having to think about my terrible neighbors or ever suffer their gaze. I'm sure not all of them are awful, but at least some of them are. Last year someone(s) deliberately smashed my two glass globe solar lights that were my shimmering joy (I took a photo because it smacked of hate crime (my car makes it super obvious that I'm queer) and I wanted evidence in case something worse happened) and recently someone sent me a nasty note for not having a tidy yard (it's since been tidied, because that has been my intention for months but I haven't had the spare energy).

Also I planted my newest garden baby, a sweet orange pepper that Topaz gave me. I also have a sweet green pepper (poblano I think), a Mexican Sour Gherkin cucumber and another that I don't remember the name of, Ititarod Red Dwarf tomato and some kind of small green tomato, a purple tomatillo, and cinnamon basil. Topaz has some seedlings for me that I'll hopefully be able to add soon.

I swept more things and watered and did lots of tidying and dishes, went to lunch with Lily and Tasha (whose cat is living in my basement room right now because Tasha can't keep them where they live and can't move yet), and spent time with Kylei. They were exhausted like always after a burn so they came over, took a nap (I made them up a bed) and then a shower, and then we had dinner (on plates at a table because Kylei wanted a ritual dinner; I enjoyed it more than I thought I would). We lay on my bed and stared at my fairy lights, which I tried on a new setting, slow glow (they have 8 patterns for flashing/fading). It was utterly hypnotizing and beautiful; definitely my new favorite. I can't believe I hadn't tried it before. When it went to red especially I felt like I was being bathed in healing. (I'll try to remember to get a video though I have no idea how I'd describe it!) We cuddled a little and Kylei told me about their burn experience. We hung out for a few hours and then Kylei went to bed but couldn't sleep, so I gave them melatonin and silent hair pets for a little while until they seemed almost asleep. I haven't heard them up and about since so I think it worked but now I'm afraid to go pee because I don't wanna wake them up *awkwardface*

I have two prospective jobs, one where I am 99.99% sure I have the job (waiting on paperwork) and another with an interview scheduled for tomorrow. I reeeeeeally want the one I'm interviewing for. It's an absolute dream.


back to top

belenen: (rainbowarrior)
Recently: amazing time w Topaz, Sydney, Kei-Won-Tia / energy healing / victory over self-doubt / job
recently (12th to now): this got long because I kept putting off posting. includes photos! )
sounds: Zoë Keating - Whistle [*] | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (plant magic)
STRESS about bioparent visit and job and money / gardening happiness
My bioparent M is coming to visit and I've been pretty stressed about it, mainly because I feel like there are things I 'should' have done even though they are not my responsibility (cleaning up after the previous tenants), because I don't have a job yet, and because time with zir is inherently stressful as ze disapproves of pretty much everything I value about myself. Also I love the way I've set up the place and I feel sure ze won't like it and I don't want to feel compelled to change things. And I'm pretty sure I'll get a lecture on my body, on my lack of making money, and a vague lecture on my 'lifestyle.' Most of these stresses will disappear once ze gets here -- it's always the dread that is the worst, I can deal with the actuality. I dreamed that the whole damn family showed up instead of just M, and I had a crafty party planned, and I invited them, and it was super awkward but not horrible. whaaaat.

I'm also stressed about getting a job. I REALLY want to work at the coffeeshop I just interviewed for but I haven't heard back yet *crumbles from nerves* and I'm about out of money. I ordered four boxes of food bars (drugstore.com was having a 20% off sale, I pounce on those) and I'm hoping that M will buy me some groceries :-/ I am not gonna starve but I'd like to have some fresh things. The stress of these things has not been good for me, I've started having a harder time coping this week and I was worried that it was depression coming back but I think it's just the stress.

I have a garden and nothing has died!!! My spinach is doing some bizarre ivy-wannabe climbing thing and I transplanted it to hopefully give it more light, really hope it survives because I love eating leaves straight off the stem. My kale is doing well (but I think the ridiculously-bold deer have been EATING IT. #RUDE!) and my tomatoes are getting tall! I love love love love love having a garden. I can't wait to have tomatoes and peppers <3 I've been watering almost every day and taking vitamin D and I feel like my body is enjoying the regular sun. I feel like the worst shitlord ever when I weed though :-( I'm going to make little skirts out of thick black fabric for my plants so they don't have to compete and I don't have to rip pretty little living beings out of their home and kill them.
sounds: Dragonette - Easy | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


back to top

belenen: (hypnotiq)
job quitting and new job training / plans w Wade / Ben & Anita & Green & Chip & Christa energy flow
I'm in a weird state at the moment. new job possibilities, nerves )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.


back to top

belenen: (hypnotiq)
job quitting and new job training / plans w Wade / Ben & Anita & Green & Chip & Christa energy flow
I'm in a weird state at the moment. new job possibilities, nerves )

Also I'm hanging out with Wade tomorrow and I'm happy and nervous about that. Wade is Rob's housemate -- I've only really talked with zir once but it was a wonderful conversation and we cuddled a bit and that was even more wonderful so I think it'll go well. I feel a little ridiculous opening all these doors when I don't know anything about the direction my life is taking, but intuition says go, so going I am. (and I did ask the universe for as many lovers as I can handle... haha)

The borderpagans meeting tonight consisted of myself, Ben, Green, Anita, Chip, and Christa. Something about that collection of people felt just amazing. I mean, it could have been that I was just high from being around both Ben and Anita but I think it was more than that -- the energy just seemed to flow really easily between the six of us. I really loved it -- even before we went to dinner and Anita and I cuddled, hee (there are these moments when we're not even touching and I just feel this wave of lush calm from being in zir presence -- it's incredible). I think maybe it's that I felt like I could really trust each of them and that each of them were open to connecting with me and the others. And also that I really like each of them and want to know them more so I was very open to them.

It completely blows my mind that there are so many amazing people in my life. Such an abundance of love and acceptance and generosity of spirit! I am incredibly grateful.


back to top

belenen: (distance)
yearnings, missing you, maybes and ifs, I need Georgian summer
Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - Cosmic Love | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (distance)
yearnings, missing you, maybes and ifs, I need Georgian summer
Kisses! how I long for more -- why can't I kiss everyone in the world? and oh God/dess, hands. Really, I'm such a hands person. Hands and mouths (because it's mostly the lips but it's also the whole structure, y'know?) but hands first. There've been moments when I've held hands with someone and it felt more intimate than kissing or fucking.

I'm a little baffled at what my mind returns to lately. I'd have expected to pine and mourn and suffer over the Ash & Rob thing but I haven't been. Parts of it just sort of evaporated (can't really explain that because it's not only my story and it's too near) and the bits that are still painful I'm just avoiding the fuck out of. So instead what fills my mind is other doomed attractions )

Also if I have to move out of state that means that Ben and I will be on hiatus because ze doesn't do long distance. So that's a little depressing. It already sucks that living this far means I only get time alone with zir once a week. I mean, I'm grateful for that, but I need more intimate-connection-time than that. Not necessarily with the same person, not even necessarily romantic, just more. I need mindful cuddles everyday. I need naked, open conversation at least every other day. And you know? now that I'm thinking on it, if I were to move with the biofamily, I would get cuddles and naked-open-conversation all the time from my lil sis. And right this minute I want that more than anything else. :-(

But but! if I can stay here I can be with Ben and mayyyyyyyybe one of those who have laid claim to my mindspace and who knows what other possibilities? I do have a few leads on jobs (nothing definite yet) and I feel pretty sure I can find a decent place to live if I can find work that would actually pay my bills. And I could go back to school for free. I want that so much. I want THIS. I want here, this is my home.

And the idea of not being in Georgia in summer makes me ache and weep. I love Georgia in summer more than I've ever loved a person and I think more than I ever will love any single person. It's the most unbearable beauty and it breathes and embraces me, I need it. NEED. Please God/dess, please don't make me leave before I've had at least a little of it. I beg you, All-That-Has-Compassion, let me taste true summer.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - Cosmic Love | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (rainbowarrior)
secondary LJ (belbabble) / bodylove & queerpride w strangers / experiencing healing through my hands
So I made a second journal -- [livejournal.com profile] belbabble -- mainly to house my tweets (under lj-cuts) because I've made some very interesting (to me) little snippets before and they're gone now so I wanna start saving them but I don't want them cluttering up my REAL journal. (feel free to add that LJ if you want, but I don't promise anything interesting) I might also use that LJ to post bits of conversation or links or thought-seeds which aren't developed enough for here. I'm not sure yet on that, but I have been SO blathery lately that it may actually happen. It's weird, I thought that being busier would lead to me not posting but it seems to have the opposite effect. I wish I was better at responding to comments though; I gotta figure out how to change that without sending myself into a spiral of guilty avoidance. I absolutely do read and value everything y'all say, and feel so honored to be able to read the amazing thoughts you share in your own journals.

And I have two cool stories to share, with my hairdresser and with a random customer :D )

God/dess I love people! Being a barista at an independent coffeehouse (in a racially/culturally diverse area) really is my dream job, almost as much as counseling. Or maybe bartending, that would be freaking AWESOME. I want to talk to strangers all day long and bring them even just a little bit of joy or inspiration.

Ohh, and last week Sakka mentioned a story of healing and it reminded me of an experience I had at age 13. I went over to a couple's house to do some sort of cleaning/organizing work but just a little bit after I arrived the woman (who was pregnant) started experiencing a lot of pain, and got very worried. I asked if it would be okay if I laid hands on zir belly and prayed for zir, and ze said yes. When I did, the pain subsided. They still called my parents to get me and went to the hospital to get checked out, but they credited my prayers with healing power (I forget what ended up being the problem) and I remember that was such an intense experience for me. I was so calm and full of faith -- I had NO DOUBT. I don't know if my prayers actually changed something physical or if the panic was causing the pain and my prayers gave zir enough faith to be calm, but whichever, I do consider it a miracle. I miss being that sure that I could call on Deity and always get instant help. I've been rebuilding my faith for a long time now but it's not yet as strong as it was when I was a child.
sounds: Elsiane - Final Escape | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (genderfree)
I'm in love with me / also in love w/ all people / reactions to my name at work / explaining my name
I honestly feel a little sad sometimes because I can't imagine anyone ever falling as in love with me as I am. I find myself so damn adorable. I'll start dancing in the silliest way or singing something completely ridiculous like "and now it's time for soup, oh nicey-nice soup, you're food to be eaten, it's good" (half stolen, if you recognize it you get 88 awesome points; I so relate to that character) and then hear myself and am totally charmed and giggle at myself for a full minute. And I re-read my own LJ and think it's the most beautiful thing ever (content and design), and look at photos I've taken and feel awe, and admire the way I find ingenious ways to make things more useful or more beautiful. And every time I see myself in the mirror I check myself out and smirk lustily and often exclaim "oh my God, I'm so fucking hot!" complete with running my hands over my outline. But then, I'm good at falling in love. It's my Talent :D I notice things that are unique about a person and am utterly charmed by them, especially the littlest things like the way a person pushes back zir hair or specific phrases ze likes to say or how ze behaves 'at rest' or the way ze moves zir mouth when ze talks. I do this with all people, including those I'm not even close to (it's just way amped up with those people because I watch them greedily, in recognition that every moment of their presence is an honor). I really and truly (Nea's phrase, hee) believe that everyone is incredible and if you can just see them fully, you can't help but be in love. I suppose it makes sense then that I am the one who loves me the most, because I know myself the most. ;-) Oh well, y'all can just love me second best *giggles* If I have one person to know/love me most, I think I want it to be the one I have to spend every moment with :D GOD I LOVE ME.

I really love people so much. It's odd to think about because I HATE social structure and am disgusted by most of the things the general population believes -- but as individuals I still love people. How I can manage to be so jaded and angry and yet hopeful and adoring at the same time is a little baffling to me. I get so angry about social things and yet people individually doing the same damn things makes me laugh and shake my head. I suppose on the individual level what stands out most to me is how trapped and confined people are (which inspires empathy), but when looking at society as a whole what stands out to me is how cruel and oppressive people are (which evokes anger).

reactions to my name, and finally finding a short way to explain it! )
sounds: Elsiane - Hybrid | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (powerful)
realization: I've been sad and sick and stressed -- but not depressed!
This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.


back to top

belenen: (powerful)
realization: I've been sad and sick and stressed -- but not depressed!
This time starting back to work has been so different. I got terribly sick on the FIRST day and have yet to have a truly healthy day at work, it's been WINTER-dark and dreadfully cold, I've had to get up early, I've been financially stressed, my car was acting up and I was worried that I might need to take zir in to get fixed, and my ex has been a shithead. And YET, and YET I've been able to live and enjoy life for times during this! Being at work with no way of distracting myself from my feelings for hours isn't torture! Even when I only get 7 hours of sleep I'm okay for a FULL DAY! Instead of nearly all joy being blocked out, I can actually receive it -- even when I'm upset!

Oh my God! It's so different to live without depression! It's so amazing to live without that weight on my shoulders! I still count my spoons pretty carefully because I do not want to get into a down spiral, but even when I think I've used them up I find more. God! It's so different! And looking back, I feel so validated. I was legitimately suffering, not just lazy or 'shy' or 'quiet' or unwilling to be happy. Not being depressed makes general-living so EASY and NATURAL, and recovery from hurt is so much faster. Wow. And if anti-depressants give people-with-depression a sample of this, medication suddenly makes sense to me in a whole new way! to have hope that one day you won't have to hoard every drop of your energy because the littlest things take so much out of you. I had no idea that normal people lived like this.

I am lucky, I know, with so many people who love me ♥ but I've been that kind of lucky before, and it didn't nourish me like this because depression was blocking it. Oh thank the universe for healing.


back to top

belenen: (curious)
my first videoblog
vid of me blathering! )


also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!


back to top

belenen: (curious)
my first videoblog
vid of me blathering! )


also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!


back to top

belenen: (curious)
my first videoblog


also YAY and very cool and many kisses to you who did your own! :D thiswaste & shalotus & aliyna & acid_burns! :D you women so ROCK!


back to top

belenen: (exuviate)
important events in 2006 / inner and outer metamorphoses

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea


My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥
...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind


back to top

belenen: (exuviate)
important events in 2006 / inner and outer metamorphoses

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea


My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥
...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind


back to top

belenen: (exuviate)
important events in 2006 / inner and outer metamorphoses

Wild Woman by Willow Arlenea


My totem animal, the dragonfly, lives as a nymph for a while, shedding her skin many times to emerge as a more developed creature, and only with the final shedding does she have wings. I feel that I have metamorphosed several times this year, and with this last shedding of my skin I have realized that I now have wings! I have reached completeness, developed all that I need to fly. I will continue growing in a new way, learning to use what I have. This is exciting and scary because there is no more waiting around to be ready; I have arrived.

important events in 2006 )

I feel like some of my metamorphoses have been inner and chosen, but the majority of them were external. My ties with this area have been severed again and again: Rebecca moved, my church wounded me and I haven't really attempted to fix it, Allison cut ties with me, my mimosa tree died, Kristen and I both changed and now we strongly differ on important issues, and Ashley broke up with me. I still love the land with all my heart -- Georgia is in my blood and always will be -- but I have no place that really feels mine since my mimosa died. Emerald is still there but the crook of her trunk is not enough space for me to take root. I feel that I am being prepared for a new way of life, perhaps a move. I welcome it with open arms! and pray that it will be near to one of the glorious friends who fill my life with light. ♥
...Said The Sun to the Shine by Earthsuit...
Said the Sun to the Shine
Come shadow, what you find?
Said the Sun to the Shine
You and I forever bind


back to top

belenen: (nascent)
job decision / brokenness surfacing again / new feelings about God/dess
Ben and I decided to go with cutting my hours and staying a cashier -- even though part of me wants the additional responsibility and money, I just don't think I could handle the stress of learning the ropes during the busiest time of the year. And I am totally burnt out. I feel dumb/weak/lazy for being burnt out on my job when Ben's is so much more demanding, in time and responsibility, and I feel like mine is EASY, what's wrong with me? But that is the way it is. I think part of it is that I genuinely give of myself, as much as I can, when I am working. I try to give a little positivity to every person, and it's become a habit that I don't want to break, but it's draining. Cutting hours should help that a lot.

And I think the other reason I'm burnt out is that I've gotten past my healing-waiting period and it's time to go back to counseling, delve into the next layer. Things are starting to come up again -- I think my dreams are a symptom of that. I've been thinking about it for months and actually contacted the office about a month ago, but the lady who was sponsoring me (God/dess bless her) has moved and is no longer sponsoring people. So when I go back I'll have to pay... and they'll probably help some, but eeshk it's yet another expense -- it may have to wait until Ben goes into the management training program in a few months.

I've been feeling things shift within me and realign, it's very odd. Yesterday I prayed in a way I haven't for... at least a year. I dropped all my questions and stepped out into air... I didn't even know that was possible. I've been trying to reach around my questions and find the Being that I know, the one who loves me, the only reason I survived my otherwise empty childhood. I used to be able to reach right out and feel Hir heart, with little effort. S/he was right there! I think I need to go back and reread my old journals and poems, see those paths that I somehow lost, and learn how to find similar ones now. I needed to leave them in order to work on my questions, in order to break off all the lies that had nearly strangled my love for Hir -- the lies that S/he is vengeful, harshly judgemental, distant, demanding, uncaring, all-powerful but unwilling to make any effort to protect me... all the things I saw my parents as.

I had a dream about Hir way back in January... so real, so sacred to me that I posted it privately -- I didn't understand it at the time but it gave me the deepest, most loving peace I have ever experienced. I'm still very insecure in my new vision of Hir as a genderless Being, so that post will probably stay private until I have a clearer belief. I have felt new energy just sensing this beginning. ♥

...Secret by The Benjamin Gate...
oh hold me and heal me
keep my heart in your hands


back to top

belenen: (nascent)
job decision / brokenness surfacing again / new feelings about God/dess
Ben and I decided to go with cutting my hours and staying a cashier -- even though part of me wants the additional responsibility and money, I just don't think I could handle the stress of learning the ropes during the busiest time of the year. And I am totally burnt out. I feel dumb/weak/lazy for being burnt out on my job when Ben's is so much more demanding, in time and responsibility, and I feel like mine is EASY, what's wrong with me? But that is the way it is. I think part of it is that I genuinely give of myself, as much as I can, when I am working. I try to give a little positivity to every person, and it's become a habit that I don't want to break, but it's draining. Cutting hours should help that a lot.

And I think the other reason I'm burnt out is that I've gotten past my healing-waiting period and it's time to go back to counseling, delve into the next layer. Things are starting to come up again -- I think my dreams are a symptom of that. I've been thinking about it for months and actually contacted the office about a month ago, but the lady who was sponsoring me (God/dess bless her) has moved and is no longer sponsoring people. So when I go back I'll have to pay... and they'll probably help some, but eeshk it's yet another expense -- it may have to wait until Ben goes into the management training program in a few months.

I've been feeling things shift within me and realign, it's very odd. Yesterday I prayed in a way I haven't for... at least a year. I dropped all my questions and stepped out into air... I didn't even know that was possible. I've been trying to reach around my questions and find the Being that I know, the one who loves me, the only reason I survived my otherwise empty childhood. I used to be able to reach right out and feel Hir heart, with little effort. S/he was right there! I think I need to go back and reread my old journals and poems, see those paths that I somehow lost, and learn how to find similar ones now. I needed to leave them in order to work on my questions, in order to break off all the lies that had nearly strangled my love for Hir -- the lies that S/he is vengeful, harshly judgemental, distant, demanding, uncaring, all-powerful but unwilling to make any effort to protect me... all the things I saw my parents as.

I had a dream about Hir way back in January... so real, so sacred to me that I posted it privately -- I didn't understand it at the time but it gave me the deepest, most loving peace I have ever experienced. I'm still very insecure in my new vision of Hir as a genderless Being, so that post will probably stay private until I have a clearer belief. I have felt new energy just sensing this beginning. ♥

...Secret by The Benjamin Gate...
oh hold me and heal me
keep my heart in your hands


back to top

belenen: (nascent)
job decision / brokenness surfacing again / new feelings about God/dess
Ben and I decided to go with cutting my hours and staying a cashier -- even though part of me wants the additional responsibility and money, I just don't think I could handle the stress of learning the ropes during the busiest time of the year. And I am totally burnt out. I feel dumb/weak/lazy for being burnt out on my job when Ben's is so much more demanding, in time and responsibility, and I feel like mine is EASY, what's wrong with me? But that is the way it is. I think part of it is that I genuinely give of myself, as much as I can, when I am working. I try to give a little positivity to every person, and it's become a habit that I don't want to break, but it's draining. Cutting hours should help that a lot.

And I think the other reason I'm burnt out is that I've gotten past my healing-waiting period and it's time to go back to counseling, delve into the next layer. Things are starting to come up again -- I think my dreams are a symptom of that. I've been thinking about it for months and actually contacted the office about a month ago, but the lady who was sponsoring me (God/dess bless her) has moved and is no longer sponsoring people. So when I go back I'll have to pay... and they'll probably help some, but eeshk it's yet another expense -- it may have to wait until Ben goes into the management training program in a few months.

I've been feeling things shift within me and realign, it's very odd. Yesterday I prayed in a way I haven't for... at least a year. I dropped all my questions and stepped out into air... I didn't even know that was possible. I've been trying to reach around my questions and find the Being that I know, the one who loves me, the only reason I survived my otherwise empty childhood. I used to be able to reach right out and feel Hir heart, with little effort. S/he was right there! I think I need to go back and reread my old journals and poems, see those paths that I somehow lost, and learn how to find similar ones now. I needed to leave them in order to work on my questions, in order to break off all the lies that had nearly strangled my love for Hir -- the lies that S/he is vengeful, harshly judgemental, distant, demanding, uncaring, all-powerful but unwilling to make any effort to protect me... all the things I saw my parents as.

I had a dream about Hir way back in January... so real, so sacred to me that I posted it privately -- I didn't understand it at the time but it gave me the deepest, most loving peace I have ever experienced. I'm still very insecure in my new vision of Hir as a genderless Being, so that post will probably stay private until I have a clearer belief. I have felt new energy just sensing this beginning. ♥

...Secret by The Benjamin Gate...
oh hold me and heal me
keep my heart in your hands


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- supporting friends, work fury, need rest / song recs poll
I still feel overwhelmed... everyone who is closest to my heart is going through world-shattering things, and I want so much to be there for each of them, but... Hannah lives an ocean away, what can I do? I try but I know all the words in the world can never give as much as a truefelt hug, and that I am cruelly unable to do. Alariya I can be there for, and I do, but all I can do is alleviate a little of the pain and offer her a glimpse of the light in the future -- this is a battle that she must fight within herself. My wonderful Jalshammon (Ben), is starting to live consciously, starting to be more open, and that gives me such hope and pain at the same time because I'd gotten used to living without much sharing in our relationship and seeing this thing I hadn't dared to dream of come within sight, I realize how much I want and need that and how much it hurts that I haven't yet had it. That's a post of its own.

Work is infuriating (and I bite my temper but I know my face shows it), but I finally got my schedule turned in the proper way (a week and a half ago I turned it in but I did it wrong), so it will change soon and I think I will be able to handle the CSMs if I don't have to deal with them so often. In the meantime I'll be looking elsewhere. Still don't have a phone yet.

I haven't been spending much of my energy on myself, just giving out out out and I know I need to be kinder to myself but it's hard... especially since most of my subsconscious energy is spent worrying about Hannah, how can I think of my things when she is suffering so? It's horrible having nothing to offer when my soulfriend is in such need.

I need someone to just hold me and pet my hair and listen to me pour out feelings -- never speaking, just silently loving. I need... rest. yes, I need rest so much. I need a safe place to lay down and feel negativity wash from me with streams of music. I need to be refilled, I feel like I've been pouring endlessly lately and I can actually handle spending that energy (!) but even so I need rest.

was thinking about including music recomendations more often in my LJ, which would interest you more? If you don't care either way, please don't respond. which way should I do it? )

Recently the song of my life has been Speak To Me by Olive.
speak to me // nothing will help more than your honesty
give to me // knowledge that I can show some sympathy
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- supporting friends, work fury, need rest / song recs poll
I still feel overwhelmed... everyone who is closest to my heart is going through world-shattering things, and I want so much to be there for each of them, but... Hannah lives an ocean away, what can I do? I try but I know all the words in the world can never give as much as a truefelt hug, and that I am cruelly unable to do. Alariya I can be there for, and I do, but all I can do is alleviate a little of the pain and offer her a glimpse of the light in the future -- this is a battle that she must fight within herself. My wonderful Jalshammon (Ben), is starting to live consciously, starting to be more open, and that gives me such hope and pain at the same time because I'd gotten used to living without much sharing in our relationship and seeing this thing I hadn't dared to dream of come within sight, I realize how much I want and need that and how much it hurts that I haven't yet had it. That's a post of its own.

Work is infuriating (and I bite my temper but I know my face shows it), but I finally got my schedule turned in the proper way (a week and a half ago I turned it in but I did it wrong), so it will change soon and I think I will be able to handle the CSMs if I don't have to deal with them so often. In the meantime I'll be looking elsewhere. Still don't have a phone yet.

I haven't been spending much of my energy on myself, just giving out out out and I know I need to be kinder to myself but it's hard... especially since most of my subsconscious energy is spent worrying about Hannah, how can I think of my things when she is suffering so? It's horrible having nothing to offer when my soulfriend is in such need.

I need someone to just hold me and pet my hair and listen to me pour out feelings -- never speaking, just silently loving. I need... rest. yes, I need rest so much. I need a safe place to lay down and feel negativity wash from me with streams of music. I need to be refilled, I feel like I've been pouring endlessly lately and I can actually handle spending that energy (!) but even so I need rest.

was thinking about including music recomendations more often in my LJ, which would interest you more? If you don't care either way, please don't respond. which way should I do it? )

Recently the song of my life has been Speak To Me by Olive.
speak to me // nothing will help more than your honesty
give to me // knowledge that I can show some sympathy
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- supporting friends, work fury, need rest / song recs poll
I still feel overwhelmed... everyone who is closest to my heart is going through world-shattering things, and I want so much to be there for each of them, but... Hannah lives an ocean away, what can I do? I try but I know all the words in the world can never give as much as a truefelt hug, and that I am cruelly unable to do. Alariya I can be there for, and I do, but all I can do is alleviate a little of the pain and offer her a glimpse of the light in the future -- this is a battle that she must fight within herself. My wonderful Jalshammon (Ben), is starting to live consciously, starting to be more open, and that gives me such hope and pain at the same time because I'd gotten used to living without much sharing in our relationship and seeing this thing I hadn't dared to dream of come within sight, I realize how much I want and need that and how much it hurts that I haven't yet had it. That's a post of its own.

Work is infuriating (and I bite my temper but I know my face shows it), but I finally got my schedule turned in the proper way (a week and a half ago I turned it in but I did it wrong), so it will change soon and I think I will be able to handle the CSMs if I don't have to deal with them so often. In the meantime I'll be looking elsewhere. Still don't have a phone yet.

I haven't been spending much of my energy on myself, just giving out out out and I know I need to be kinder to myself but it's hard... especially since most of my subsconscious energy is spent worrying about Hannah, how can I think of my things when she is suffering so? It's horrible having nothing to offer when my soulfriend is in such need.

I need someone to just hold me and pet my hair and listen to me pour out feelings -- never speaking, just silently loving. I need... rest. yes, I need rest so much. I need a safe place to lay down and feel negativity wash from me with streams of music. I need to be refilled, I feel like I've been pouring endlessly lately and I can actually handle spending that energy (!) but even so I need rest.

was thinking about including music recomendations more often in my LJ, which would interest you more? If you don't care either way, please don't respond. which way should I do it? )

Recently the song of my life has been Speak To Me by Olive.
speak to me // nothing will help more than your honesty
give to me // knowledge that I can show some sympathy
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- work worries, supporting friends, eye problems / black shell coin earrings
I have been feeling soooooo overwhelmed the past few days.

Work has been terrible because the CSMs have been awful to me lately ... ) I am stressed the fuck out -- every day I am clinging to every minute I have off and dreading going to work, it's ruling my thoughts. I'm also just sick of not having time with my partner, sick of having my schedule decided by a computer, sick of being dictated to.

This makes me question myself. Am I just lazy? I work my ass off when I'm at work and do my very best -- customers are always complimenting me (especially on my patience, heh). But I hate going to work. I don't want to work anywhere that decides my timetable, which really puts a limit on possible employers. I don't think I can stay working for more than a year at a time, unless it's at something where I decide my schedule.

I am very jealous of my time -- I think more than anyone that I know, I really enjoy every minute of doing what I decide to do. Even tidying up, I enjoy that when I get the urge on my own and do it to please myself. I am never bored -- NEVER. I just enjoy creating, reading, living, dreaming.

And more and more lately, I've wanted to give to my partner, because he's been giving to me. ♥ But I have no energy left. I know that Ashley's and my mom's and my little sis' and uncle's situations are not my responsibility, but I know how it feels to question yourself when you've been a victim, and I feel that I need to be that voice of assurance. It's hell, HELL, to be unsure of the truth in such a painful situation, when the truth is SO obvious but this person that you trusted is telling you that it's lies. I don't mind giving that, not at all, I feel it is such an important use of my time and energy, but I resent the fact that my remaining energy is spent on worrying about work.

Money is tight. I think we could live off of my partner's current paycheck but I need to sit down with him and see. He says go ahead and quit, but that's scary, not knowing the future, not wanting to feel trapped. If you have spare positive energy, please pray/send thoughts that he will get this promotion and that the pay increase is immediate -- we'd both be amazingly relieved, it would do wonders. *sigh* Imagine, time and energy! Oh it makes me shiver.

And my eyes. I have GPC (eyes allergic to their own protein) and a bacterial infection, which means that I can't wear contacts for at least three weeks and we don't have money for new glasses so I'm wearing my 10-year-old prescription, scratched up, blurry glasses. I hate not being able to see, and I hate these glasses because they feel like a wall between me and the world. I feel hidden, I think because I used to hide behind them. Damn. I've had these since I was 13, that seems so weird. And they don't suit my personality or my face at all. I found a pair that are SO me and look SO good on me -- they're rimless on the bottom, PURPLE, and angular, very artistic! -- but they're 180 just for the frames, plus at least 110 for the lenses. *sigh* so I will just suffer along in these for three weeks (unless my partner gets the promotion *hopes*) and then go back to contacts. Eventually I'd like to get them.

and now for some utterly irrelevant photos! the Wednesday before last I had a spurt of creative energy and made a new pair of earrings for the first time in FOREVAH. They took forever, especially since I have no wire jig (next time I have money for frivolosity, I am SO buying one!) but they're so worth it. They're amazing, I'm completely infatuated and took a million photos but you only get twelve photos of my stunning black shell coin earrings )

and I miss hannah so much it hurts, but I try not to think about that.


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- work worries, supporting friends, eye problems / black shell coin earrings
I have been feeling soooooo overwhelmed the past few days.

Work has been terrible because the CSMs have been awful to me lately ... ) I am stressed the fuck out -- every day I am clinging to every minute I have off and dreading going to work, it's ruling my thoughts. I'm also just sick of not having time with my partner, sick of having my schedule decided by a computer, sick of being dictated to.

This makes me question myself. Am I just lazy? I work my ass off when I'm at work and do my very best -- customers are always complimenting me (especially on my patience, heh). But I hate going to work. I don't want to work anywhere that decides my timetable, which really puts a limit on possible employers. I don't think I can stay working for more than a year at a time, unless it's at something where I decide my schedule.

I am very jealous of my time -- I think more than anyone that I know, I really enjoy every minute of doing what I decide to do. Even tidying up, I enjoy that when I get the urge on my own and do it to please myself. I am never bored -- NEVER. I just enjoy creating, reading, living, dreaming.

And more and more lately, I've wanted to give to my partner, because he's been giving to me. ♥ But I have no energy left. I know that Ashley's and my mom's and my little sis' and uncle's situations are not my responsibility, but I know how it feels to question yourself when you've been a victim, and I feel that I need to be that voice of assurance. It's hell, HELL, to be unsure of the truth in such a painful situation, when the truth is SO obvious but this person that you trusted is telling you that it's lies. I don't mind giving that, not at all, I feel it is such an important use of my time and energy, but I resent the fact that my remaining energy is spent on worrying about work.

Money is tight. I think we could live off of my partner's current paycheck but I need to sit down with him and see. He says go ahead and quit, but that's scary, not knowing the future, not wanting to feel trapped. If you have spare positive energy, please pray/send thoughts that he will get this promotion and that the pay increase is immediate -- we'd both be amazingly relieved, it would do wonders. *sigh* Imagine, time and energy! Oh it makes me shiver.

And my eyes. I have GPC (eyes allergic to their own protein) and a bacterial infection, which means that I can't wear contacts for at least three weeks and we don't have money for new glasses so I'm wearing my 10-year-old prescription, scratched up, blurry glasses. I hate not being able to see, and I hate these glasses because they feel like a wall between me and the world. I feel hidden, I think because I used to hide behind them. Damn. I've had these since I was 13, that seems so weird. And they don't suit my personality or my face at all. I found a pair that are SO me and look SO good on me -- they're rimless on the bottom, PURPLE, and angular, very artistic! -- but they're 180 just for the frames, plus at least 110 for the lenses. *sigh* so I will just suffer along in these for three weeks (unless my partner gets the promotion *hopes*) and then go back to contacts. Eventually I'd like to get them.

and now for some utterly irrelevant photos! the Wednesday before last I had a spurt of creative energy and made a new pair of earrings for the first time in FOREVAH. They took forever, especially since I have no wire jig (next time I have money for frivolosity, I am SO buying one!) but they're so worth it. They're amazing, I'm completely infatuated and took a million photos but you only get twelve photos of my stunning black shell coin earrings )

and I miss hannah so much it hurts, but I try not to think about that.


back to top

belenen: (overwhelmed)
overwhelmed -- work worries, supporting friends, eye problems / black shell coin earrings
I have been feeling soooooo overwhelmed the past few days.

Work has been terrible because the CSMs have been awful to me lately ... ) I am stressed the fuck out -- every day I am clinging to every minute I have off and dreading going to work, it's ruling my thoughts. I'm also just sick of not having time with my partner, sick of having my schedule decided by a computer, sick of being dictated to.

This makes me question myself. Am I just lazy? I work my ass off when I'm at work and do my very best -- customers are always complimenting me (especially on my patience, heh). But I hate going to work. I don't want to work anywhere that decides my timetable, which really puts a limit on possible employers. I don't think I can stay working for more than a year at a time, unless it's at something where I decide my schedule.

I am very jealous of my time -- I think more than anyone that I know, I really enjoy every minute of doing what I decide to do. Even tidying up, I enjoy that when I get the urge on my own and do it to please myself. I am never bored -- NEVER. I just enjoy creating, reading, living, dreaming.

And more and more lately, I've wanted to give to my partner, because he's been giving to me. ♥ But I have no energy left. I know that Ashley's and my mom's and my little sis' and uncle's situations are not my responsibility, but I know how it feels to question yourself when you've been a victim, and I feel that I need to be that voice of assurance. It's hell, HELL, to be unsure of the truth in such a painful situation, when the truth is SO obvious but this person that you trusted is telling you that it's lies. I don't mind giving that, not at all, I feel it is such an important use of my time and energy, but I resent the fact that my remaining energy is spent on worrying about work.

Money is tight. I think we could live off of my partner's current paycheck but I need to sit down with him and see. He says go ahead and quit, but that's scary, not knowing the future, not wanting to feel trapped. If you have spare positive energy, please pray/send thoughts that he will get this promotion and that the pay increase is immediate -- we'd both be amazingly relieved, it would do wonders. *sigh* Imagine, time and energy! Oh it makes me shiver.

And my eyes. I have GPC (eyes allergic to their own protein) and a bacterial infection, which means that I can't wear contacts for at least three weeks and we don't have money for new glasses so I'm wearing my 10-year-old prescription, scratched up, blurry glasses. I hate not being able to see, and I hate these glasses because they feel like a wall between me and the world. I feel hidden, I think because I used to hide behind them. Damn. I've had these since I was 13, that seems so weird. And they don't suit my personality or my face at all. I found a pair that are SO me and look SO good on me -- they're rimless on the bottom, PURPLE, and angular, very artistic! -- but they're 180 just for the frames, plus at least 110 for the lenses. *sigh* so I will just suffer along in these for three weeks (unless my partner gets the promotion *hopes*) and then go back to contacts. Eventually I'd like to get them.

and now for some utterly irrelevant photos! the Wednesday before last I had a spurt of creative energy and made a new pair of earrings for the first time in FOREVAH. They took forever, especially since I have no wire jig (next time I have money for frivolosity, I am SO buying one!) but they're so worth it. They're amazing, I'm completely infatuated and took a million photos but you only get twelve photos of my stunning black shell coin earrings )

and I miss hannah so much it hurts, but I try not to think about that.
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (disassociative)

depressed stressed lonely worried frustrated

got unfriended by someone I really care about; am pretty sure that a different (both RL & LJ) friend is offended/hurt by something about me that I refuse to change (worried how that will turn out); am irritated/offended with a different friend, feel unimportant to one of the most important people in my life; feel sad and lonely because hannah is internetless and away from home so I can't even call her (and haven't talked to her in ELEVEN DAYS); am stressed about finances; stressed about work; stressed about Ben being stressed; lonely because I get so little time with Ben... feel unable to write more about the trip because I neeeeeeeeed to process with hannah... miss hannah sooooooo much. Miss cuddles and endless talking and never being alone, going to bed with a snuggly person. Miss craziness and laughter and closeness.

And I also miss the freedom of making my own schedule. I hate having my life ordered by someone else. I feel like I never have enough time for anything -- when I really do have the time, but I simply cannot be productive if I have a deadline, unless I set the deadline myself for my own pleasure. I've gobbled up like six thick books since she left 13 days ago -- as well as renaming most of the 6,000+ photos from the trip and playing with iconmaking... my mind is afraid to relax.
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (disassociative)

depressed stressed lonely worried frustrated

got unfriended by someone I really care about; am pretty sure that a different (both RL & LJ) friend is offended/hurt by something about me that I refuse to change (worried how that will turn out); am irritated/offended with a different friend, feel unimportant to one of the most important people in my life; feel sad and lonely because hannah is internetless and away from home so I can't even call her (and haven't talked to her in ELEVEN DAYS); am stressed about finances; stressed about work; stressed about Ben being stressed; lonely because I get so little time with Ben... feel unable to write more about the trip because I neeeeeeeeed to process with hannah... miss hannah sooooooo much. Miss cuddles and endless talking and never being alone, going to bed with a snuggly person. Miss craziness and laughter and closeness.

And I also miss the freedom of making my own schedule. I hate having my life ordered by someone else. I feel like I never have enough time for anything -- when I really do have the time, but I simply cannot be productive if I have a deadline, unless I set the deadline myself for my own pleasure. I've gobbled up like six thick books since she left 13 days ago -- as well as renaming most of the 6,000+ photos from the trip and playing with iconmaking... my mind is afraid to relax.
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (disassociative)

depressed stressed lonely worried frustrated

got unfriended by someone I really care about; am pretty sure that a different (both RL & LJ) friend is offended/hurt by something about me that I refuse to change (worried how that will turn out); am irritated/offended with a different friend, feel unimportant to one of the most important people in my life; feel sad and lonely because hannah is internetless and away from home so I can't even call her (and haven't talked to her in ELEVEN DAYS); am stressed about finances; stressed about work; stressed about Ben being stressed; lonely because I get so little time with Ben... feel unable to write more about the trip because I neeeeeeeeed to process with hannah... miss hannah sooooooo much. Miss cuddles and endless talking and never being alone, going to bed with a snuggly person. Miss craziness and laughter and closeness.

And I also miss the freedom of making my own schedule. I hate having my life ordered by someone else. I feel like I never have enough time for anything -- when I really do have the time, but I simply cannot be productive if I have a deadline, unless I set the deadline myself for my own pleasure. I've gobbled up like six thick books since she left 13 days ago -- as well as renaming most of the 6,000+ photos from the trip and playing with iconmaking... my mind is afraid to relax.
connecting: , ,


back to top

Tags


Tags