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belenen

June 2017

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Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (connate)
time w Evelyn: they speak my language & believe in me / positively overwhelmed / playing by heart
icon: "connate (the characters Keenan and Joan from "Playing By Heart," facing each other with their faces so close that their noses almost touch, both with eyes almost closed, wearing slight smiles)"

So since I last wrote about them I've had two dates with Evelyn, and both times they came to my house AND there was no big struggle to plan or need to reschedule. There's not even been occasion to question whether or not they wanted to come over, because it required so little effort on my part, comparatively. Unfortunately a lot of it has fallen into the cracks of my memory already, so this is just gonna be a mishmash of impressions from what I can remember.

When they first arrived, I opened the door while standing behind it like I always do because my neighbors are terrible and I'm never wearing anything over my boobs at home unless I'm sick or really cold, so they walked in and there was a pause while I shut the door and then they made a tentative reaching motion while I started to ask if they wanted a hug -- I may have gotten it out or maybe not -- and I snatched them into a hug. And I wanted to cry because it felt like such a relief, but I was also in shock and not fully convinced they were actually there. I felt relief and gladness from them too.

At one point later when we were cuddling they said "you're real" in a tone of wonder and I felt so much resonance with it I felt like screaming, like there were not enough ways to express how extremely and exactly I felt that. Those few hours we spent together that day included a lot of cuddling and talking about the last time we saw each other in November and how it was painful for both of us, and expressions of gratitude on both sides for being reunited. A lot of kisses and sweetness and a lot of frank and occasionally painful discussion.

I once again feel able to be just utterly blunt with them. I don't have fear of being misunderstood )

I'm realizing in writing this that being trusted to be truthful even if it doesn't make logical sense is vital to me. Because I am truthful, but sometimes I don't make sense. I think that's one of the things that hurt me so much about Kylei -- they would never believe me when I told them how I valued them and wanted time with them, despite all the proof I offered. It just felt like a constant invalidation of my core self, to not trust in my love and my dedication. I need to know that the people I love believe in my love, believe in my dedication, believe in my truthfulness. Else being around them makes me feel a dissolving of my self-hood and my own faith in my worth.

I told them that I'm still building up my tolerance to their presence )

I also keep getting overwhelmed by all the experiences I want to have with them but I can't do them all at once and it feels like there is so little time. And I know a part of it is this fear in the back of my mind that they're going to disappear any moment and if I haven't done the things yet I won't ever have the chance, but I do not want to do any of the things out of fear, not even out of fear of no future chances. So I actually end up moving slower toward those things because I am resisting the shoving of fear. I know it hasn't even been two weeks yet and that fear will fade.

We watched Playing By Heart last time )

This Friday we have a plan for me to go to their house and hang out with them and their spouse, who I've yet to have any real conversation with. I started freaking out yesterday because Evelyn was talking to me in a way that made it seem like I was supposed to be on my best behavior, so to speak? being polite, talking about inconsequential shit? and I'm terrible at that and I already spend so much fucking time and energy on it with work and Topaz' family and to some extent my biofamily. The idea of adding respectability to the one part of my life that didn't yet have it in it was just awful. I expressed this (in less extreme terms) and they checked with their spouse and confirmed that it was okay for me to just be me in all my *waves hands* non-neurotypical impolite glory, I guess. So, I'm still nervous but not stressed out, and I feel hopeful that it could be really lovely.

I've more to say but it shall go in my sextalk filter. Opt in or out.


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belenen: (osculant)
phonetalk with Evelyn: resolving past hurts, setting intentions/goals for future interactions
icon: "osculant (photo of Hannah and I lying on our sides facing each other, our legs and shoulders slanted toward each other and the floor, so that our bodies together make the shape of a heart: our outstretched arms are the point and our bums are the two curves)"

I talked on the phone with Evelyn last night, impulsively, when I almost never talk on the phone. It was an intuitive instinct that I just followed, and I'm so glad I did. When I heard their voice my heart started glowing (by which I mean, I felt a sensation of radiating heat where I feel my heart energy center) and I felt unexpectedly overwhelmed with joy. We talked about stuff that we had been discussing via email, mostly affirming and clarifying things that had already been said. I felt relieved when they expressed that they had finally internalized (taken in as truth) the facts that 1) it is not a loving act to ignore one's own needs but rather is detrimental to oneself and those one loves and 2) it's not useful or loving to hide things from someone to protect them. I feel like denial/rejection of these facts was the core problem we were having last year, so I feel hopeful now. They apologized for hurting me, acknowledged that it was shitty and that I deserve honesty, openness, and kindness and said they'd do their best. And later that evening they shared with me a story that illustrated how they're working to put honesty first.

At one point they mentioned "you've forgiven me" just offhandedly, which pleased me to my core because it is usually very difficult or impossible for people to accept that my forgiveness has already happened. I usually end up feeling like I have to prove my love again. Which I know is not about me, but I can't help but feel a bit distrusted when that happens.

I referenced how they said they wanted to be in my life and asked what that looked like, and they said it looks like spending time together in person. Last year they were really impossible to plan with and I sort of expected a "not now, but sometime, eventually..." which would never actually happen, but they didn't make any backing out disclaimer-y comments! they seemed quite certain of what they wanted! and we made a plan to spend time together. Tomorrow.

I'm excited to be reconnecting with someone that I have a spirit connection with. When I say spirit connection, I mean I can feel what they are feeling. When they tell me something they don't mean, I can feel the truth anyway. When they're upset, I feel it as if it were my own emotion many times even if I'm not involved in the situation at all. When they're thinking of me, I can feel it. It works whenever I am open to it whether we're around each other or not. I have this kind of connection with Topaz and I have had it with Hannah and Kylei and I had moments of it with others. Having this kind of magic in my life really matters to me and I always grow by leaps and bounds through being close to someone who is my spirit kin. And it is just such a relief to be with someone who I have both strong intuitive understanding of through a spirit connection AND strong logical understanding of through a mind connection. That has only happened before with Topaz and Hannah. I usually have to work so hard to understand people and I'm constantly second-guessing. Such a relief to just know.

I know some of y'all are like "why are you like this!? will you ever learn?? you silly creature tsk tsk" and to that I answer magic is rare and I'm gonna suffer anyway because this world is an endless crawl over broken glass and acidic shit. *shrugs* if I'm gonna survive I have to take magic where I can find it.


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belenen: (slytherin)
could-be safety
icon: "slytherin (a closeup of the Slytherin crest: a rearing silver serpent in front of a green background patterned in stylized waves of water and plush upholstery)"


there are reasons to fear me
I am a clawed, fanged creature
with no shame
and far too much emotion
I will bite
(if you should earn it)
I'm brimming with fight
If you don't know yet
you'll learn it

but here I am )


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belenen: (polyamorous relationship anarchist)
why/how I make people a priority
icon: "polyamorous relationship anarchist (a rainbow-colored heart with the 'anarchy' capital letter A cutting through it, over a brick texture that suggests the heart is graffiti)"

What causes me to make someone a priority is one of two things: we decided together to deliberately build a connection, or we have an energetic connection that is unusually strong.

The first kind I do on purpose obviously, the second kind happens even when the other person puts no effort in at all. I have to try to deliberately shut that one off and when it comes to people who I feel are spirit-kin, it is as impossible for me to actually remove the impulse to make them a priority as it is for average people to not make blood kin a priority. I can keep myself from acting on it, but the urge is always there.

I actually have such a bad memory that I keep a list on my phone of people who I am currently prioritizing. It has been mostly useless for the past two months as I've been just scraping by, but I'm checking it again now.

I just took several people off the list, so it's very stripped down right now. It's usually 7-9 people but I don't have the energy within or coming in to make more people a priority right now. I think this list can help me illustrate the qualities that cause me to make someone a priority.

The list currently:

Topaz - because their company nourishes me (especially mentally and physically) & we have a shared goal of learning and creating.
Serenity - because their company nourishes me (especially spiritually) & ultimately we have an intention of becoming a community hub.
Allison - because their company nourishes me (especially artistically) & and I want a stronger friendship with them.
Sande - because their company nourishes me (especially spiritually) & I want to build a connection when that becomes possible.

They all have similar values to mine, they reach back when I reach out, they make efforts to spend time with me, and they try to stay in touch with me by reading what I share on LJ. Those aren't the only things I need to make someone a priority, but they are all necessary.

I tend to take people at their word. When I ask them if they make me a priority and they say yes, I treat all situations as though they're doing their best but other things are getting in the way. At some point though, I've got to stop acting like that's true. I want all my strong connections to be priorities but I'm sick of them forgetting that I fucking exist and not making any efforts of their own volition. I'm sick of literally everything else being more important.

So I'm not gonna do that. Right now, if you can't tell, I'm feeling angry and unimportant, especially to people who I've tried with over months and sometimes years while they put all their effort into other things, other people. At some point, they're just not valuing our connection. I shouldn't pour energy out trying to keep that connection alive. Fuck it. I should do what they're doing and treat them as part of my past not my present.


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belenen: (Renenutet)
my most powerful spiritual experiences & how some have shifted in meaning
icon: "Renenutet (a relief carving of Renenutet, represented as a winged cobra, overlaid with a fractal coloring)"

what are your most powerful spiritual experiences? if you've transitioned to a different religion/spiritual philosophy, did you recontextualize the experience in any way? did the power or depth of an experience diminish at all due to a transition? if so, why? (from here)

My most powerful spiritual experiences: when I felt a strong warning, "no," as I was walking through a river and was about to step in a spot, but I dismissed it as not real and stepped anyway and nearly sliced my toe off on broken glass and had to go to the hospital and get like 28 stitches (age 9); when trees have spoken to me (it happened twice where it was strong enough that I felt no doubt); when interacting with los Niños Santos; when I realized that an afterlife didn't make sense to me anymore and stopped believing in it; when I had a dream-that-felt-more-real-than-waking about having sex underground with Geb; when I felt someone energetically draining me through my lover and did energy work deliberately for the first time out of desperation; when I help someone find a name that is true for them; when I have had sex in ways that involve more spiritual/energetic interactions than physical ones; when singing and dancing in church, particularly once when I felt Jesus' presence so intensely that I didn't doubt it; one time when a prophet gave me a message from Godde saying "I believe in you" which both felt very validating and turned my perception of deity on its ear; once when I felt the presence of Aphrodite while interacting with a lover who I perceived as a priestess/incarnation of them; when I felt perfect unity of consciousness with a lover to the point where I wasn't sure which limb was mine, and we spoke the same words at the same time; when I have sensed the emotions of my spirit-kin over great distance of mind and body; when I felt/saw the heartbeat of the forest; when I have dreams about people who are important to me that I meet, later; when I felt in great despair and then found a green-blue piece of sea glass (I had never found any before despite careful searching); I'm sure there are others.

Some of my experiences have been recontextualized. I used to attribute everything spiritual to a singular god, but now I don't attribute things to deity unless I feel a specific presence. For instance, finding the sea glass I would have taken as comfort from god, whereas now I take it as me desperately seeking a sign of hope and drawing it to me and me to it with the force of my longing. This doesn't make it less meaningful to me, it makes it more meaningful. Rather than relying on something external, I rely on myself. I don't need attention from a particular being to be able to have magic.


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belenen: (distance)
lonely in any crowd / spirit-to-spirit contact / conflict is a tool of intimacy
icon: "distance (two hands (from a brown person and a white person) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I feel like no one talks about the loneliness of rejecting oppression. It's like being a creature that looks like its surrounding creatures but isn't, while the surrounding creatures just don't have the ability to connect with you the way you need. How there's this missing piece in most interactions. Their words, their kindnesses, their touch, their thoughts, just don't reach.

I can never tell by looking. I can't tell by touching. I can't tell by smell or taste or sound. I have to investigate their mind, and it takes such work, and the longer I go the more it stings when suddenly I fall into a poisoned thornbush of defensive privilege and refusal to empathize or learn. It takes so very much risk for me to connect. There are so few people who are safe. There are some who are safer than others, because I know where the thornbushes are and there are few enough that I can avoid them. But it still takes work because conversation changes the landscape and I can't predict when a thornbush will show up. I can never relax.

I marvel and shake my head at people who don't have this experience. Getting to know people, for them, is just about shared hobbies and lack of deliberate attacks, plus good intentions. Those are so easy to find, comparatively. So EASY!

Most humans need skin-to-skin contact. If they lack it, they feel a thing called "skin hunger." I spent my minor years in such a state of skin hunger that I would feel rage when people touched me accidentally, because I blocked it out and the slightest touch would open it up, which HURT. I think there is a similar thing for spirit-to-spirit contact.

I need spirit-to-spirit contact. But I can't have it with most people because if I run into a thornbush in that state, it will shut me down. It's shocking and painful: a sudden dehumanization while being in the most vulnerable state. And so many people don't even know how to make that contact to begin with. So there's already almost no safe people. And then there's even fewer who know how to make this kind of contact; yet fewer who aren't in such a state of spirit hunger that they won't devour you accidentally.

Sometimes I find someone who I can tell could share this spirit-to-spirit contact with me, but they're surrounded by thornbushes. That's the worst, but it also crushes me when they're mostly free of thornbushes but the world sucks so much from them that they don't have the energy to connect. That happens almost every time, because people don't usually clear their thornbushes unless they have endured the trauma of oppression, and that trauma drains your energy.

(I feel like I just realized why mixed-status relationships are more common than I would expect- the effort it takes to call someone out (if they are empathetic and growth-focused) may be less than the effort it takes to support someone else through their oppression while daily dealing with your own. I've never been genuinely close to someone who didn't have at least two axis of oppression, but I can imagine it's a relief to rarely be called on to comfort your close ones' suffering.)

Every person with whom I have felt that 'click' that should allow for easier, deeper connection but did not because of  thornbushes or trauma or lack of energy or space or time -- every one of those people I feel a gap in my life. Even if I think they are full of awful hateful ideas, I can still feel what SHOULD be and I still crave it.

I'm so passionately dedicated to creating intimacy wherever I can because I feel the holes where it should be. I know that some people probably see me quite negatively for for my furious and often rude resistance of evil. But human intimacy cannot exist without conflict because humans vary and that causes conflict. And in a world full of oppression, there's a shitton of trauma connected to that variation, which makes conflict way more common and way more difficult.

I used to avoid conflict because I wanted to be seen as a loving person. I wanted to be seen as loving more than I wanted to change this hateful world to one where love could flourish. I have given up being seen as loving. People who understand intimacy will understand that I am loving and that is enough.

I need more connection. I need to not have to fight endlessly through barriers to feel connection. I need it to exist for me in more than just two or three people in my 32 years of life! This is part of the reason I work to do whatever I can to create justice. It is only in a more just world that I have any chance of having my needs met. I don't just crave a world that doesn't damage people. I crave a world where I can meet a person, feel a click with them, and explore that with joy, knowing that there will not be evil dysempathetic ideas lurking or so much trauma and energy-drain that I cannot connect with them.

I have not killed off my naive former self who literally wanted to be intimate with every human. I fight against those who attack intimacy with oppression and denial, so that maybe someday another spirit like mine will have more of a chance of doing what my child self wished. I fight for all those who suffer and I fight for that little part of me that can't help hoping. I won't ever stop. I will not avoid conflict. It is not only a necessary tool for creating intimacy, but perhaps the greatest one.


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belenen: (Renenutet)
parts of a person: how I see people in spirit, heart, soul, mind, and body as they connect to me
It's not March yet but this has been on my mind a lot lately so I'm gonna go ahead and answer [livejournal.com profile] darkestgarden's prompt. (and if you haven't yet, go give me prompts!)

could you talk about your color spirit classifications (when you say, for example, that someone is a violet spirit)? what are the differences between colors and how do you determine them for people? how well do you have to know someone before you make a definitive classification? have you ever labelled someone a color only to change it later? has anyone ever disagreed with you about the classification?

This is purely a my-sight thing, firstly, so its only meaning is in how I see people. I'm not claiming that this is the color of their aura or anything actually about them, just what I see and feel. The way I understand them is in relation to myself and then in relation to others. I see myself as having a vivid violet spirit, spring green heart, and bright scarlet soul. Then I feel a connection with people, and feel out whether that is more toward this direction or that on the color wheel, and then I compare one to another to guess if I don't have confidence. I have to know someone well enough to be able to tell where we connect or don't, and to see them enough to be able to compare them to others. Yes, I have labeled colors and changed them; the way I see it, the colors don't change but my perception can be skewed. Some people don't like themselves and try to appear as other. Sometimes I just can't get a good feel, and my perception is off. People have disagreed with me, but most people don't have a way of feeling people that is at all similar so they don't disagree because it's just not relevant to their life.

So for instance, I see Kylei as an orange soul. I feel this because it connects strongly to my red soul, but is different in some key ways, and is more similar to Ace (Ace disagrees because ze doesn't see zirself and Kylei as alike). I see Hannah as a yellow heart, again because of strong connection but different in some ways (seems to be more kin with animal than plant, for instance). I see Topaz as a violet spirit, similar to mine but darker and more red, which I figured out because I feel that Kylei is a violet spirit who is more blue than me, and I feel Kylei and I are more spirit-alike than Kylei and Topaz. Heather's soul is similar to mine, but closer to Kylei than I am (it should be oranger than it appears in the image). It's a complex web. I made a diagram (there are a few on here I am not sure of but the ways people connect to me I am sure of):


(click to see large - the colors work a lot better on Topaz's computer than on mine so this may not look as it should)


The interesting thing is that as I did this, I saw connections that hadn't been made but that could have been. For instance, Abby and Arizona are both blue souls and green hearts and only one tone off on spirit; I don't think they hung out much but I think they could have been the bondest of bonds because damn, they're alike (however, that may only be likeness in how they relate to me. More experimentation is necessary). And Firekat and Heather are very alike in spirit and soul and I bet they'd totally be besties if they lived close and knew each other. And Kate and my ex-partner are practically twins.

Here's the best short explanation of spirit, heart, and soul as I can come up with so far:
spirit: your core self, the ineffable you. Where your intuition, will, and desires come from. This part never changes and as far as I am concerned cannot be described in words.
heart: how you connect with the world. It determines where you find meaning, your spiritual/elemental identifications/totems (mountain, wind, cat, tree, etc). This part only changes in whether it is open or closed.
soul: how you interact with the world. It is affected by material interactions and knowledge, by insecurities and fears. Your personality 'type.' It can change a lot in saturation and brightness.

There's also mind and body connections. Mind connections I see as a pattern similarity when I see them (my mind pattern has a lot of branches and vines and sharp edges) but mostly they're not visual, and body connections are not at all visual for me. I have mind connections with Kate, Abby, Kylei, Topaz, Hannah, Ben, Anika, Nea, Ashe, and Allison, to varying extents; what this means is that we make similar logical connections, enjoy similar mental stimulation, and/or can weave words together for hours with little to no effort. I have body connections with Topaz, Heather, Kylei, Aurilion, Ace, Viv, Taz, Tamara, Chase (someone I knew super briefly years ago) and maybe Adi and Camellia. I see body connections as that feeling where hugging feels good beyond the physical sensation, and I feel drawn to touch constantly; where it feels like my body wants connection all by itself. I feel this when I'm in love with someone pretty much always but when it's a connection of its own, it exists regardless of logic or even my emotions about the person.
sounds: Grimes - Colour Of Moonlight (Antiochus) (Ft. Doldrums) | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past (updated for the first time in 4 years!)
If you're wondering what spirit-kin, heart-kin, soul-kin or mind-kin mean (or -twin, the stronger version), read this post.

If there is anyone I've mentioned often who is not included here, please remind me.

all of the people! it's pretty long )


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belenen: (progressing)
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

important events in 2011 )


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belenen: (progressing)
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

important events in 2011 )


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belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


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belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust
I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.


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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust
I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.


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belenen: (heart in my throat)
Anita and Chip -- love and dreams and violet-spirit connecting
This is all so hard to put into words -- partly just inherently and partly because it's all so intense for me that when I think about it my brain just wants to reel and say wow instead of sketching. But I want to remember as clearly as I can and I need words for that.

there is really no way to sum this up! )
sounds: Portishead - Glory Box | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


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belenen: (heart in my throat)
Anita and Chip -- love and dreams and violet-spirit connecting
This is all so hard to put into words -- partly just inherently and partly because it's all so intense for me that when I think about it my brain just wants to reel and say wow instead of sketching. But I want to remember as clearly as I can and I need words for that.

there is really no way to sum this up! )
sounds: Portishead - Glory Box | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


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belenen: (connate)
being around similar spirits makes me more me / intuition-link with Anita / "what are you thinking?"
stream-of-consciousness ramblings about how I'm affected by being around similar spirits )

Ooooh, and last week when I was at the borderpagans meeting (and then at dinner afterward) I kept having that chill-down-my-spine shiver -- like 7 times in three hours! I felt like there must be something odd energetically going on (because I do occasionally have that shiver but never more than two in a day) and when I asked Anita what ze was doing at that time, ze told me ze was reading my LJ and responding to my survey. hee. I can't remember how long it took for Hannah and I to link up to the point where we could feel each other's strong emotions (even across the ocean) but this feels like the start of that. Everything has been so insanely intense so far and I'm trying not to let my excitement pull me faster than I can process the experience. Just... wow.

Also I love that instead of getting annoyed with my constant "what are you thinking/feeling?" questions, Anita has started doing the same thing, hee. (that's a thing I do with anyone interesting, and the more interesting you are the more often you get asked to share your thoughts. It's my way of getting to know you and honing my understanding of your expressions/moods :D) Although ze gets entirely too much enjoyment out of playing on my curiosity and refusing to tell me perfectly simple things just to torture me :-p AND making "thinky" faces just to prompt me to ask and then laughing at me! :-[

And something random-and-totally-awesome? Both Wade and Anita have blue-hazel eyes! I don't know how rare they are in actuality but I've met only a scant handful of us blue-hazeled people, so we seem rare to me :D and it's so fun to watch the colors shift!


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belenen: (connate)
being around similar spirits makes me more me / intuition-link with Anita / "what are you thinking?"
stream-of-consciousness ramblings about how I'm affected by being around similar spirits )

Ooooh, and last week when I was at the borderpagans meeting (and then at dinner afterward) I kept having that chill-down-my-spine shiver -- like 7 times in three hours! I felt like there must be something odd energetically going on (because I do occasionally have that shiver but never more than two in a day) and when I asked Anita what ze was doing at that time, ze told me ze was reading my LJ and responding to my survey. hee. I can't remember how long it took for Hannah and I to link up to the point where we could feel each other's strong emotions (even across the ocean) but this feels like the start of that. Everything has been so insanely intense so far and I'm trying not to let my excitement pull me faster than I can process the experience. Just... wow.

Also I love that instead of getting annoyed with my constant "what are you thinking/feeling?" questions, Anita has started doing the same thing, hee. (that's a thing I do with anyone interesting, and the more interesting you are the more often you get asked to share your thoughts. It's my way of getting to know you and honing my understanding of your expressions/moods :D) Although ze gets entirely too much enjoyment out of playing on my curiosity and refusing to tell me perfectly simple things just to torture me :-p AND making "thinky" faces just to prompt me to ask and then laughing at me! :-[

And something random-and-totally-awesome? Both Wade and Anita have blue-hazel eyes! I don't know how rare they are in actuality but I've met only a scant handful of us blue-hazeled people, so we seem rare to me :D and it's so fun to watch the colors shift!


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belenen: (magical)
Serendipity family / Chip & tarot / talking with Christa / spirit connection with Anita! / chakras
Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥
sounds: Missy Higgins - Nightminds | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , ,


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belenen: (magical)
Serendipity family / Chip & tarot / talking with Christa / spirit connection with Anita! / chakras
Last Thursday evening I invited myself over to Anita's and ended up staying until laaaate Friday night. (it all kinda blurs together now so this is gonna be pretty stream-of-consciousness) I can't even express how wonderful it was to spend time with zir and zir family! They all have this very accepting and flexible attitude -- they don't feel like the kind of unit that defines itself by what it is not. Which is pretty rare, I think. I haven't felt so welcome by a family since I lived with the Wynnes. Being welcomed by a group of individuals is different -- it's like the difference between a bunch of hugs from different people and a group hug. And everyone is just so warm and kind and willing to connect, which is something I've NEVER experienced from a family before. And they share that sort of respect and understanding with their children that means the children follow direction without resentment -- WONDERFUL. (I'd started dreading being around children because without that, the children are either rotten tyrants that I wanna smack or cowering subjects whose parents I wanna smack) And last time I came over I was wearing my free hugs button and both P and R shared lots of hugs with me which was sooo sweet. I really really like everybody in the family.

At one point Chip did a tarot reading on me, sorta -- on how I'd affect the family. It was really interesting and spoke to me pretty clearly of how my life has lead me to this very point and even though everything is so freaking INSANE, it's on the right track. I didn't really understand how it pertained to the family (except for Anita) but I was impressed with the meaning that I took from it and I kinda want to get Chip to do another reading for me but I don't know if I actually want to know answers (that's always my quandary with divination). :-p

Christa took me to lunch on Friday and we talked about all sorts of things -- mainly about zir history and my plans (if they can be called that, heh) for the immediate future. It kinda amazes me just how at ease I am with zir. Usually I hate talking to people about what is essentially my failure to be independent (so far), but ze's just so completely nonjudgmental that I actually felt comfortable. We drove around and picked up the kids and then all went to dinner (somewhere with vegetarian options, just for me :-O).

and oh yeah, I spent time with Anita! )

Monday after borderpagans Chip and I had a really interesting conversation about ethereal connections -- ze doesn't sense them in a visual sort of way but in a kinesthetic way, which I'd never heard anyone describe before. I talked a little bit about the five parts of a person, as I see them, and ze spoke of chakras, and in the discussion that followed I had a clicking-into-place moment where I finally figured out a way to describe how I see the chakras interacting with the ethereal self. It's as if the five parts of a person are layered one over the other, and the chakras are bars that stretch through the ethereal and physical self and affect a person. And a person can connect through each chakra on every level -- body, mind, soul, heart, and spirit. Which expanded my understanding of ways one can connect! ♥
sounds: Missy Higgins - Nightminds | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , ,


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belenen: (mysterious)
eye contact is intensely intimate and nourishing for me
I find it easy to make eye contact in conversation when the other person is talking, because it helps in listening -- I can sense what the person is meaning as well as hearing what they are saying. But if I'm talking I find it difficult because it's distracting -- I'm taking in emotional information and I want to concentrate on it rather than on what I'm saying. I also find it difficult because it intensifies the intimacy of whatever I'm saying, and if I'm not already emotionally intimate with the person it feels too intense. I think this might be annoying to others though, as I tend to look away when talking about anything of emotional significance or anything I haven't already said many times. I catch myself doing it and it bothers me, but even when I make a conscious effort I still find it almost impossible to look the person in the eyes.

There've been a few, VERY few, people whom I immediately found it easy to talk to while maintaining eye contact. Really just those I have spirit connections with -- I guess because we already have that sense of intimacy. Strangely, if I'm crushing on someone I tend to REALLY avoid eye contact because the longer I maintain it the more impossible it is for me to think about anything other than kissing and touching. It's easier if I have no romantic interest or if there are clear boundaries (like with a co-worker). Or if there is already intimacy there, because then I don't feel compelled to close the distance between us now-now-NOW!

I need prolonged eye contact like I need touch or communication. For me it IS a kind of touch, spirit touching spirit, and it is a kind of communication too, spirit speaking to spirit. At the last cuddle party I went to, we did an eye contact meditation which was INCREDIBLY profound for me, even more so than the actual cuddling was. The downside of this is if someone usually breaks eye contact quickly I feel shut out and rejected, like I would if they shook off my touch.

Oh, and another aspect of this is that I loathe glasses because they break that contact. Even though aesthetically they appeal to me, I really don't like for people to wear them -- like holding hands through gloves, it's just not the same.

How does eye contact affect you? I've never talked about this with anyone before ('cause this is a recent realization) and I'm curious.


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belenen: (mysterious)
eye contact is intensely intimate and nourishing for me
I find it easy to make eye contact in conversation when the other person is talking, because it helps in listening -- I can sense what the person is meaning as well as hearing what they are saying. But if I'm talking I find it difficult because it's distracting -- I'm taking in emotional information and I want to concentrate on it rather than on what I'm saying. I also find it difficult because it intensifies the intimacy of whatever I'm saying, and if I'm not already emotionally intimate with the person it feels too intense. I think this might be annoying to others though, as I tend to look away when talking about anything of emotional significance or anything I haven't already said many times. I catch myself doing it and it bothers me, but even when I make a conscious effort I still find it almost impossible to look the person in the eyes.

There've been a few, VERY few, people whom I immediately found it easy to talk to while maintaining eye contact. Really just those I have spirit connections with -- I guess because we already have that sense of intimacy. Strangely, if I'm crushing on someone I tend to REALLY avoid eye contact because the longer I maintain it the more impossible it is for me to think about anything other than kissing and touching. It's easier if I have no romantic interest or if there are clear boundaries (like with a co-worker). Or if there is already intimacy there, because then I don't feel compelled to close the distance between us now-now-NOW!

I need prolonged eye contact like I need touch or communication. For me it IS a kind of touch, spirit touching spirit, and it is a kind of communication too, spirit speaking to spirit. At the last cuddle party I went to, we did an eye contact meditation which was INCREDIBLY profound for me, even more so than the actual cuddling was. The downside of this is if someone usually breaks eye contact quickly I feel shut out and rejected, like I would if they shook off my touch.

Oh, and another aspect of this is that I loathe glasses because they break that contact. Even though aesthetically they appeal to me, I really don't like for people to wear them -- like holding hands through gloves, it's just not the same.

How does eye contact affect you? I've never talked about this with anyone before ('cause this is a recent realization) and I'm curious.
sounds: Darren Hayes - Hero | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


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belenen: (plant magic)
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

important events in 2009 )


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belenen: (Default)
important events in 2009 / tangled joy and pain, vibrant growth
"Curl and Tangle, Color and Thorn" by me:



This is a photo I took on a trip with Ben to Big Trees in November. It expresses the entire year to me -- the sharp pains and vibrant joys, and most of all the crazy tangled unforseeability of it. And the focus too -- not seeing far behind or much ahead. Oh, what a wild ride.

I dedicated 2009 to risk-taking (since the focus of 2008 became faith-building instead) and I feel that I fully met that goal. I practiced living in the moment, doing things because they feel right without concern for how they might turn sour; being with Viv, going to San Francisco, deciding to end my partnership with [ex], beginning a relationship with Ben, moving in with Ash, hanging out with people I didn't know well and didn't feel miraculously connected to, couchsurfing, driving a rental car. Those are all things I wouldn't have done a year ago out of a habit of thinking "but what if bad stuff happens."

This year brought me the greatest disappointment and the greatest joy I've ever experienced. It's been such a blend, every joy right next to suffering (and vice versa). This is the first year I have had local friends since I was 20, and the first time in my life I've had a sense of community, an actual CIRCLE of people whom I love and feel that I belong with. It used to be so rare that I spent time with friends that every single time was intensely noteworthy and now it has become NORMAL to me! I feel immensely rich. I get hugs at least every single week -- after YEARS of feeling like a leper because no one touched me. I speak and people listen and care and respond -- after years of having no one to talk with in person (well, no one who cared about the same things or was very interested in my thoughts). I am so profoundly grateful. Thank you Deity, thank you universe, thank you localtribe, thank you everyone and everything!

important events in 2009 )


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
These are the characters in the story of my life:
from 2009 )


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belenen: (interconnectedness)
characters in the story of my life: present and past
These are the characters in the story of my life:

most mentioned:
Ace (lil sis) aka [livejournal.com profile] girlslovegirls7 -- younger sister, deep friend, soul-kin.
Ben aka [livejournal.com profile] justben -- lover, deep friend, heart-kin, soul-kin.
Ash aka [livejournal.com profile] theroamer -- deep friend, flatmate.
Hannah aka [livejournal.com profile] shioneh -- deep friend, spirit-kin.
Nea aka [livejournal.com profile] acid_burns -- deep friend, soul-kin.
S -- close friend.

localtribe:
Shel aka [livejournal.com profile] aerialmelodies
Sara aka [livejournal.com profile] theindiequeen
Kristen aka [livejournal.com profile] gods_ornament
(under the general tag: Anna, Kat K, Chase, Anita, Saleena, Nicole, Brigit, Greta, Brandon, Sakka, Josh, Paul, Ryan, Nikki, Wolf, Tali, Scarlett)

often mentioned but not currently part of my life:
B, my ex-partner -- ex-partner, ex-lover, heart-kin.
Aurilion -- ex-lover, heart-kin.
Viv -- ex-friend/love, spirit-kin.
ex-partner's family -- my ex's family
biofamily -- my biological family

those I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life:
Kate aka [livejournal.com profile] clown_frog -- deep friend, heart-kin.
Nick aka [livejournal.com profile] aquilian -- friend, spirit-kin, heart-kin.
Kat aka [livejournal.com profile] kmiotutsie -- good friend, soul-kin.
SabR aka [livejournal.com profile] sabr -- good friend.
Anika aka [livejournal.com profile] cunningbunny -- friend.
Paula & Spencer -- spiritual parents.
Gabe -- spiritual sibling.
elya -- sister-in-law, friend.
Ava aka [livejournal.com profile] mourningdoveava -- friend, spirit-kin.
Meliae aka [livejournal.com profile] earthy_goddess -- friend.
Rebecca -- sister-in-law, friend.
Kaylene -- friend.
Allison -- friend.





most mentioned: )
localtribe: )
people I talk/write about who are not active parts of my life )
people I rarely talk/write about lately, but who had/have a big impact on my life )


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belenen: (nascent)
being okay with uncertainty / I open up around Viv and FEEL more / painful but growthful connection
cut because I know this is probably getting annoying, feel free to skip if you're sick of me ruminating about Viv )
sounds: Goldfrapp - Hairy Trees | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (nascent)
being okay with uncertainty / I open up around Viv and FEEL more / painful but growthful connection
cut because I know this is probably getting annoying, feel free to skip if you're sick of me ruminating about Viv )
sounds: Goldfrapp - Hairy Trees | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
evening with Viv ♥ ♥ ♥
I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music by [livejournal.com profile] justben. Then I went to Viv's :D

a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.


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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
evening with Viv ♥ ♥ ♥
I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music by [livejournal.com profile] justben. Then I went to Viv's :D

a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.


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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
evening with Viv ♥ ♥ ♥
I'm really tired right now but also very, very, very happy :D I went to BorderPagans tonight which was nice even though it was mostly off-topic (because the group was really small tonight) -- I was introduced to some very awesome music. Then I went to Viv's :D

a lovely, lovely, perfect evening! )

I promise I won't keep on writing like this forever (emoticons and emotes and crazy mcphasey runons and fragments and CAPS!), but right now I can't help it! I'm JUST THAT GIDDY.


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belenen: (heart in my throat)
in love / some things I can only sense in person!
I'm so crazy in love. I know, how ridiculous! I just met zir! How can I be in love? But... I so am. I thought it might wear off a little with the after-cuddle-party glow, but no, I'm still blushing and giggling and melting into a fucking puddle (which I have NEVER done before) every time I think about Viv. Holy shit, you guys. I'm so fucking head-over-heels. But I'm trying to restrain myself from writing gushing declarations of love (TO zir, at least), because I don't know zir well enough yet and that scares some people so I'll refrain (please don't mention Viv on public posts!). But... I'm seeing zir tonight *bursts into happy giggles* OH MY GOD/DESS. Calm down, self! I get absolutely breathless thinking about holding zir hand or hugging zir. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Holy shit. I've never believed in love at first sight but... I think I believe in love at first hug. And OH MY GOD/DESS I WANT TO KISS ZIR SO MUCH. Which I now am free to do :D *piles of happy giggles* This reminds me -- near the end of the cuddle party, I was laying next to Viv, not even touching right then, and I giggled with sheer glee. Viv asked, "what?" and I replied, "oh, sometimes I just laugh when I'm happy," and ze grinned at me. OMFG if you people could see me, you would surely think I'm high -- I'm giggling and covering my face and grinning and going all squinchy-happy just writing this. Annnnnnnd I'm trying to avoid the thought that ze might not feel as intensely... though really, as long as ze cares about me I don't even care. Damn, that's new. I'm so happy I'm actually okay with the idea of being "the one who loves more." *soft beaming* Oh! another thing! On the ride home I sat in the backseat, and ze seemed surprised and happy about it... a little bit later ze said, "I'm still in such a cuddly mood" and so I reached for zir hand. Ze took it and smiled at me and said that ze was just about to ask :D We cuddled all the way back. :D :D :D

I'm in love with zir presence, zir hands, zir smile, zir voice, zir laugh. Oh, incredible, unfathomable loveliness.

And let this be a lesson unto me -- I cannot at ALLLLLL tell from internet presence if I will not feel a connection in person. ... )

ETA: I've practically been holding my breath for the past 12 hours since I sent zir a message *rolls eyes at self* ze finally responded so now maybe I can go to sleep. OMG I'm so fucking insane :-p
sounds: Heather Nova - Paper Cup | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (heart in my throat)
in love / some things I can only sense in person!
I'm so crazy in love. I know, how ridiculous! I just met zir! How can I be in love? But... I so am. I thought it might wear off a little with the after-cuddle-party glow, but no, I'm still blushing and giggling and melting into a fucking puddle (which I have NEVER done before) every time I think about Viv. Holy shit, you guys. I'm so fucking head-over-heels. But I'm trying to restrain myself from writing gushing declarations of love (TO zir, at least), because I don't know zir well enough yet and that scares some people so I'll refrain (please don't mention Viv on public posts!). But... I'm seeing zir tonight *bursts into happy giggles* OH MY GOD/DESS. Calm down, self! I get absolutely breathless thinking about holding zir hand or hugging zir. ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Holy shit. I've never believed in love at first sight but... I think I believe in love at first hug. And OH MY GOD/DESS I WANT TO KISS ZIR SO MUCH. Which I now am free to do :D *piles of happy giggles* This reminds me -- near the end of the cuddle party, I was laying next to Viv, not even touching right then, and I giggled with sheer glee. Viv asked, "what?" and I replied, "oh, sometimes I just laugh when I'm happy," and ze grinned at me. OMFG if you people could see me, you would surely think I'm high -- I'm giggling and covering my face and grinning and going all squinchy-happy just writing this. Annnnnnnd I'm trying to avoid the thought that ze might not feel as intensely... though really, as long as ze cares about me I don't even care. Damn, that's new. I'm so happy I'm actually okay with the idea of being "the one who loves more." *soft beaming* Oh! another thing! On the ride home I sat in the backseat, and ze seemed surprised and happy about it... a little bit later ze said, "I'm still in such a cuddly mood" and so I reached for zir hand. Ze took it and smiled at me and said that ze was just about to ask :D We cuddled all the way back. :D :D :D

I'm in love with zir presence, zir hands, zir smile, zir voice, zir laugh. Oh, incredible, unfathomable loveliness.

And let this be a lesson unto me -- I cannot at ALLLLLL tell from internet presence if I will not feel a connection in person. ... )

ETA: I've practically been holding my breath for the past 12 hours since I sent zir a message *rolls eyes at self* ze finally responded so now maybe I can go to sleep. OMG I'm so fucking insane :-p
sounds: Heather Nova - Paper Cup | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
cuddle party with Ash, Sharee, Viv / Bel is so the smitten kitten
I feel completely DRUNK right now. (except that I've never been drunk and I doubt it feels this amazing)

I went to a cuddle party tonight with Ash, Sharee, and a new friend, Viv. Viv randomly messaged me on OKCupid five days ago, wanting to meet up -- I invited zir along to the cuddle party so we met tonight. I just completely followed my intuition with it -- it's not usual for me to plan swathes of time with new people without ever having had a real conversation. I am so glad I did, because...

I am SMITTEN )
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belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
cuddle party with Ash, Sharee, Viv / Bel is so the smitten kitten
I feel completely DRUNK right now. (except that I've never been drunk and I doubt it feels this amazing)

I went to a cuddle party tonight with Ash, Sharee, and a new friend, Viv. Viv randomly messaged me on OKCupid five days ago, wanting to meet up -- I invited zir along to the cuddle party so we met tonight. I just completely followed my intuition with it -- it's not usual for me to plan swathes of time with new people without ever having had a real conversation. I am so glad I did, because...

I am SMITTEN )
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belenen: (dreamy)
dream (confront old couple about racism, meet violet spirit)
another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(


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belenen: (dreamy)
dream (confront old couple about racism, meet violet spirit)
another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(


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belenen: (dreamy)
dream (confront old couple about racism, meet violet spirit)
another dream about prejudice, with the same person listening and agreeing )

You know how I was asking when to speak up about prejudice with acquaintances? I feel like my psyche is saying, "have you considered that you're more likely to meet people you'd connect with if you speak up when there is an audience?" But I don't get it, brain, you'll have to give me about five more of these dreams... ohhhh, I still feel aglow. But also yearning and missing zir :-(


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belenen: (tenebrous)
Ava
I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).)) [unlocked because lots of time has passed and this is an important part of my story]

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sounds: Azure Ray - Hold on Love | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (tenebrous)
Ava
I really don't even know how to write about this, but it's been twisting in my mind for days, and I feel like I need to write about it in order to really let go of 2008 and move on, and open up to new things.

Last spring was a very chaotic and colorful time for me -- I couldn't have written about it all if I tried, but the chaos was not the only reason I never wrote about Ava. From the end of January until the end of April, I talked with Ava for hours on end, many days, about everything. It was incredible -- and I wanted more, I wanted to hear zir voice, see zir face, meet zir! Ze promised to call, and didn't, over and over -- always with a very good reason, but I began to feel that there was something ze was not telling me )

Ava confused me so completely. I knew that ze was lying, at the very LEAST about being in Japan for that time, but I felt a connection with zir that was deeper than anything I have ever felt. One time we were IMing and something happened where ze was and I FELT it as intensely as if it were MY emotion, to the point where my heart was racing and I was crying -- and ze hadn't really even said much. The depth of that reaction -- through simple text -- was a very important experience for me. I was just learning to trust my intuition, and my whole being was SCREAMING that there was an intense, very very real connection there. Yet ze absolutely refused to become anything more than text for me. I don't understand it, still. It's possible to fake a lot of things online but I know that connection wasn't fake. And our conversations weren't fake. Ze could conceivably have stolen zir LJ entries from someone else, but we had HOURS of conversations about things that would take so much time and effort to understand... the only thing I can think is that ze might have had Dissociative Identity Disorder, or that ze might have been real as far as zir thoughts and feelings but have felt too ashamed to admit that the glamourous life and wonderful friends were fake. Or, the much scarier kinda-sociopathic possibility that it was some sort of psychology project? Even then, I loved the core person and honestly could have forgiven any lie if ze had just admitted it.

I was in love with Ava, as deeply as I have ever been with anyone. You all know how intense my spirit-connection with Hannah was at its brightest point -- this was even stronger. And ze felt it too -- not only did ze say so, but I FELT zir feel it too. When ze was in my life, I could feel zir presence. I could feel the connection even when we weren't talking. It really fucking hurts to have put so much faith into something that felt so incredibly right, and have it prove itself a lie and then disappear. How could someone so magical, so beautiful, so true, lie to me and leave me?

I also fell for one of zir friends/alters, Rylin. That makes everything so much more confusing, I can't even begin... I felt a soul connection with Ry, which I DIDN'T feel with Ava, and I could feel the difference when I talked to one or the other. I could feel a difference when I talked to various other people (all of whom apparently liked to come over to zir house and use zir screenname to talk to zir friends). How is this possible if they're the same person? I don't know.

Yet, somehow, at the same time, just feeling what I felt was a faith-building experience. Despite all that I know, I really cannot bring myself to doubt the connection I felt. I know it was real. I don't know how that is possible -- but there it is.

I do think there are things I've learned from that experience, but right now I just need to acknowledge it -- I can't know if it was real on the other end but it was real for me. It was formative, it was important, it was a very significant experience for me. I was in love, still kind of am, and it FUCKING HURTS. I have so much other wonderful love in my life, but it doesn't make this ache disappear. I'm hoping that admitting it was real to ME will help me begin to let it go.

((flocked because I don't want to seem like I am attempting to shame zir, but if any of you are still friends with any of Ava or zir friends and you feel that you need to share this with zir, feel free. I've already said all of this to zir, except for the IP stuff (because I wanted zir to tell me the truth of zir own volition).))

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sounds: Azure Ray - Hold on Love | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: photo of me with violet hair looking down, with a water-reflection overlay (ethereal)
etheric & mind connections online & in person / D and K are spirit-kin to me
When I connect with someone online, it's initially because of a mind connection; we have similar beliefs or interests. Later I might find that I have an etheric (soul and/or heart and/or spirit) connection. In person it is the exact opposite -- my first impression is whether or not we have an etheric connection, and I learn the person's beliefs later (or often not at all, as most people don't share so easily).

If I have a mind connection with someone and later discover that we don't have an etheric connection, it might be a little bit disappointing but it's not a big deal because we still can connect through shared beliefs/interests/views. However meeting someone I have an etheric connection with and discovering that we have absolutely nothing in common mind-wise -- to the point where we can't really have casual conversation -- is VERY painful. In a better world that wouldn't be a problem because we would just spend silent time together and let our etheric selves connect while our minds were relaxed, but most people would find that exceedingly odd and uncomfortable.

For Thanksgiving, Nim's family came in town, and we had dinner over at zir parents house. Nim's cousin K and zir spouse D were there and I realized all over again that I have a VERY strong spirit-connection with D. I had completely forgotten, but last time ze came to visit I felt it, and this time I felt it again (stronger, because I am more aware/sensitive). I also have a spirit-connection with K, not quite as strong but still there. And it just hurts. ... )

It really shook me up to see them again, and afterward I had this achingly sad and beautiful dream (about a person who looked like J. Marsters but with ice blue eyes (wtf? in my dream-metaphors that is usually a sign of evil) that had vertical pupils). I feel like I am missing someone that I know but haven't yet met in this life. Or maybe I'm just missing all the violet spirits I know who are not part of my life... or both.
sounds: Sounds From the Ground - As The Day Goes By (Featuring Tanya Tagaq Gillis) | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: photo of me with violet hair looking down, with a water-reflection overlay (ethereal)
etheric & mind connections online & in person / D and K are spirit-kin to me
When I connect with someone online, it's initially because of a mind connection; we have similar beliefs or interests. Later I might find that I have an etheric (soul and/or heart and/or spirit) connection. In person it is the exact opposite -- my first impression is whether or not we have an etheric connection, and I learn the person's beliefs later (or often not at all, as most people don't share so easily).

If I have a mind connection with someone and later discover that we don't have an etheric connection, it might be a little bit disappointing but it's not a big deal because we still can connect through shared beliefs/interests/views. However meeting someone I have an etheric connection with and discovering that we have absolutely nothing in common mind-wise -- to the point where we can't really have casual conversation -- is VERY painful. In a better world that wouldn't be a problem because we would just spend silent time together and let our etheric selves connect while our minds were relaxed, but most people would find that exceedingly odd and uncomfortable.

For Thanksgiving, Nim's family came in town, and we had dinner over at zir parents house. Nim's cousin K and zir spouse D were there and I realized all over again that I have a VERY strong spirit-connection with D. I had completely forgotten, but last time ze came to visit I felt it, and this time I felt it again (stronger, because I am more aware/sensitive). I also have a spirit-connection with K, not quite as strong but still there. And it just hurts. ... )

It really shook me up to see them again, and afterward I had this achingly sad and beautiful dream (about a person who looked like J. Marsters but with ice blue eyes (wtf? in my dream-metaphors that is usually a sign of evil) that had vertical pupils). I feel like I am missing someone that I know but haven't yet met in this life. Or maybe I'm just missing all the violet spirits I know who are not part of my life... or both.
sounds: Sounds From the Ground - As The Day Goes By (Featuring Tanya Tagaq Gillis) | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


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belenen: photo of me with violet hair looking down, with a water-reflection overlay (ethereal)
etheric & mind connections online & in person / D and K are spirit-kin to me
When I connect with someone online, it's initially because of a mind connection; we have similar beliefs or interests. Later I might find that I have an etheric (soul and/or heart and/or spirit) connection. In person it is the exact opposite -- my first impression is whether or not we have an etheric connection, and I learn the person's beliefs later (or often not at all, as most people don't share so easily).

If I have a mind connection with someone and later discover that we don't have an etheric connection, it might be a little bit disappointing but it's not a big deal because we still can connect through shared beliefs/interests/views. However meeting someone I have an etheric connection with and discovering that we have absolutely nothing in common mind-wise -- to the point where we can't really have casual conversation -- is VERY painful. In a better world that wouldn't be a problem because we would just spend silent time together and let our etheric selves connect while our minds were relaxed, but most people would find that exceedingly odd and uncomfortable.

For Thanksgiving, Nim's family came in town, and we had dinner over at zir parents house. Nim's cousin K and zir spouse D were there and I realized all over again that I have a VERY strong spirit-connection with D. I had completely forgotten, but last time ze came to visit I felt it, and this time I felt it again (stronger, because I am more aware/sensitive). I also have a spirit-connection with K, not quite as strong but still there. And it just hurts. ... )

It really shook me up to see them again, and afterward I had this achingly sad and beautiful dream (about a person who looked like J. Marsters but with ice blue eyes (wtf? in my dream-metaphors that is usually a sign of evil) that had vertical pupils). I feel like I am missing someone that I know but haven't yet met in this life. Or maybe I'm just missing all the violet spirits I know who are not part of my life... or both.
sounds: Sounds From the Ground - As The Day Goes By (Featuring Tanya Tagaq Gillis) | Powered by Last.fm
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belenen: (confused)
violet-spirit connection w Hannah and Nick / day of immense joy as a triad / brokenhearted breakup
One of the most momentous parts of the visit was getting to know Nick. When ze visited last year, I didn't really get to know zir that well because Hannah and I were both in such a bad place, and ze was less open (I think) and I was less spiritually aware. Even then we got along really well, but this time I saw zir in a much clearer way. I realized that ze is a violet spirit, like Hannah and I, and I connected with zir so deeply! This is only the second time I have met another (open) violet spirit in person, and it is so different from when I met Hannah -- I knew Hannah really well before spending time in person, and I knew Nick very little. My connection with Hannah 'could' be explained away by our openness and honesty and the many many hours we've spent in conversation, but the connection with Nick was just there -- experiencing that really gave me a lot of faith.

After a few days of settling in, Hannah and Nick and I had this unity and understanding that was fucking incredible. It amazed me just to experience the near-telepathy with Hannah, but to experience it in a triangle, in person, added a whole new dimension. If one person was upset for any reason, both others would sense it and ask about it -- so validating! so loving! We talked constantly about both the deeply meaningful and the decidedly meaningless. (we have very similar humor: gutter-potty, I'd call it :D) I became open in a whole new way, experiencing the culture of their bond. They have a habit of asking "how are you feeling?" constantly -- I'm so unused to being asked that question that I had a hard time knowing what to say at first, but after a few days it became easy and I realized so much more about myself. I became so much more aware of my own feelings, and aware of the fact that I am used to ignoring them unless they are intense. I had no idea I repressed so much, though it makes sense when I consider the fact that my only nearby friend is my partner and (until recently) ze never asked anything about me. (Fortunately that has changed now ♥)

After about a week, Hannah told me that ze was finding it hard to balance zir time/energy/love between the two of us and said that ze thought it would be easier if Nick and I were also together romantically. Ze said the last part in a sort of playful way so I didn't take zir seriously then, just discussed ways of helping the balance. But my heart leapt at the idea, and a few days later a strange series of events (to be discussed in another post) led me to confessing that I wanted to be with both of them. They discussed it and decided that they wanted that also, so I talked with my partner (after a day of trying to reach zir) and ze said ze was fine with it. Then we had to wait another day because Hannah is not yet out as poly to zir mom, and at last we had a day just the three of us.

I have never experienced anything so beautiful in my life )


I'm falling apart / I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart / that's still beating
in the pain / there is healing
in your name / I find meaning
so I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you


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