Profile

belenen: (Default)
belenen

June 2017

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930 

Expect to find curse words, nudity, (occasionally explicit) talk of sex, and angry ranting, but NEVER slurs or sexually violent language. I use TW when I am aware of the need and on request.

belenen: (distance)
I'm hypersensitive physically & energetically: takes work & time for me to enjoy touch / shielding
icon: "distance (two hands (from a brown person and a white person) just barely apart, facing each other palm to palm)"

I noticed a weird reaction in me the last two times I spent one-on-one time with Evelyn. I wondered why I hadn't done more sexy things because I had been looking forward to that aspect and in thinking back, realized that I was feeling some internal resistance in the moment while I was with them. I knew it wasn't lack of desire, so I found that feeling confusing the first time it happened and figured I was just in a weird mood or something. Then it happened again, so I took it as meaningful and examined it until I figured it out.

I realized that this was coming up for the first time because last time we were dating, it was summer and we could only have short dates, so I could flow in and out of being sexual with them without a lot of effort. That's only possible when 1) I am not hypersensitive and 2) it's a short burst of time. (and of course I have to have a strong connection with the person, but that alone doesn't do it)

Often -- I'd say most of the time -- my body and my energy system are both hypersensitive. This is especially true in winter because cold really affects me, both by bringing my emotional energy down and by making my whole body tense and uncomfortable the majority of my waking life. I also tend to get hypersensitive when I'm highly stressed, when I haven't had enough platonic touch lately, or whenever it has been more than two weeks since I had an energy reset (which is easiest to get from sex but I can also get it from energy work, sensation play, concerts of artists I love, ritual, or getting drunk). Unfortunately masturbation doesn't really help with regards to this because it's more about my energy system being shocked by contact with another energy system.*

When I am hypersensitive, touch feels about 10 times as strong as it should. If I am super hyped up, this can be fun, but most of the time it feels like everything is too rough and too cloying at the same time. When people touch me I want them to press harder AND I want it to be barely there AND I want them to just move ten feet away immediately; it creates really intense ambivalence. It's not too hard to make the hypersensitivity stop, but most of the time I expect that people don't want to help, so I usually either avoid touch or steel myself against it like when you jump into a cold pool.

I can manage my hypersensitivity by artificially raising my inner energy levels, but I can't do this for very long and it is exhausting and stressful. So usually what happens is that I feel the need to block sexual energy unless I am actively interacting with it. When I have to block, that makes it harder to get into it in the first place because I have to take the block down and it takes energy so I don't want to do it unless it's gonna be down for long enough to make it worth it. And part of me feels guilty at putting up a block at all, which makes me feel internally pressured to take it down immediately when I perceive a request, which makes my desire deflate -- a weird, frustrating little cycle.

This is true with nonsexual touch too, and is part of the reason that quick hugs or pecky kisses are often draining for me. I have to do this inner work to prepare my body so that it doesn't feel like the tactile version of a train brake screech, and if the person stops giving touch before I even finish the work, then I never get the nourishment and it was a huge amount of wasted effort. I've figured out that it takes at least four full seconds for me to even relax into a hug, and it takes at least two seconds for me to get into a kiss, and if it doesn't last at least as long as it took me to get there, then it is overall draining. I'm still willing to do it sometimes but I can't do it a lot. I'd far rather have a high-five or a nod than a short hug. I need to remember this and offer people a high five or 8-second hug rather than letting them grab me for one or maybe two seconds.

Anyway, it was interesting to realize that I was having this reaction, and that trying to deal with it alone was so not the way to go. When I mentioned this to Evelyn I said I'd probably need some help with bringing my sensitivity down at the beginning so that I didn't have to block and/or I would need to have sexual time separate from the rest of our time, and they responded supportively and casually mentioned that we could be more intentionally structured about our time together (which I find very exciting & hopeful), so I look forward to experimenting with that!

*This used to happen to me every time I left the house, because I had no shield against other people's energy and it would all just cling to me. I'd merely walk past someone and feel like bursting into tears because I felt their pain, and I didn't know how to get rid of it either so I would just feel terrible for days until it wore off. Now it only happens when I let my shields down, but I prefer to drop my shields with people I love even if it means I pick up some of their stuff. I prefer to cleanse it out later if need be and be able to connect fully in the meantime.


back to top

belenen: (spiritual)
APW: volunteer idea, decidin to be more active w fat-positivity / date w Arizona / ritual w Serenity
icon: "spiritual (a photo of a snow leopard with (edited) violet eyes staring straight into the camera)"

So, I went to Atlanta Poly Weekend (APW) yesterday and today, and had intended to go to all of it but I've discovered that even though the anxiety meds help enough to keep me from spiraling into negativity from not being able to interact, they don't actually reduce the amount of effort it takes. So I get super worn out from the constant brush of people. I've realized that I actually can't do conferences without staying in the hotel; I can do a one-day visit but that's it. The con takes all my energy and I don't have the extra for driving back and forth, especially when I never get a chance to be alone all day. Hopefully I will be able to afford a room next time.

I also realized two ways that I want to be more involved in local community; through anti-looksist work in general and by being volunteering to help with planning accessibility for APW. I don't think that I'm especially qualified, but I have learned a lot by example from the disability coordinator for TBC (and they're a friend of mine so I could probably ask advice) so I think I could be helpful, and I don't think APW can afford to hire someone. I sent a message offering, and if they don't follow up I'll seek them out more directly. Things I would definitely do include setting aside a quiet non-interaction space for anxious folk to take a break because fuck did I miss that.

I realized I want to be more involved in anti-looksist work because I went to a session about dating while fat and polyamorous and I realized again how radical a force for change it is to be anti-looksist, and how many skills I have in this area. I need to skill-share because it's so vital for all bodies to be treated as acceptable. Fat-hating connects to so many other oppressions, so destroying fat-hating reduces the power of other oppressions. I tend to think of self-work as 'fluffy' or less important but it isn't. People need self-love to survive oppression, and we need oppressed people to survive or we cannot destroy the system.

I also got to have a little date with Arizona yesterday! Their partners let us have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours and we cuddled and talked and then we played with thumpy toys! I brought the floggers I made recently and hadn't had a chance to use, and Arizona brought toys too. We started with Arizona thumping my back with what is called a 'billy club' -- a long rubber rod about 1.5 inches in diameter with little rubber spikes on the end (like on a meat tenderizer). Arizona used one at first, then added another and played my back like a drum! I got really into the rhythm, which changed the way it felt because I felt like I was experiencing it in both physical and auditory ways at once. Then Arizona used a steel cane (a thin metal rod about 1 cm in diameter) on my back and bum and legs. Then we took a break and had cuddles, and then Arizona used my mini floggers, my rainbow flogger, and my black suede leather floggers. (I'll try to get some photos to show soon.) The rainbow flogger was actually my favorite -- it's heavy because there are many loops of cord, but it's diffuse at the same time, so it doesn't feel 'too much' in any particular way. Lastly Arizona used my paddle (a thick hairbrush-shaped wooden one) on my bum and legs. It's really interesting how different the sensations are, even after I'm somewhat desensitized due to build-up.

Arizona and I kissed a little bit and they swayed and smiled and said they loved kissing me, which pleased me very much. I wanted to have more time to kiss today but there were a lot of people around the whole time and it was too distracting. But! They're coming back up in two weeks and they said they definitely want one-on-one time with me then. I miss them a lot and it saddens me that I can only see them so rarely.

Tonight when I got home Serenity (my housemate) had been doing a ritual for the new moon and invited me to join. Together we lit candles (including the rainbow drip candles I had been saving for ritual) and incense, smoked hookah, and they danced to music while I drummed along and then after I put the drum aside and seat-danced for a little bit they playfully pulled at me with dance movements and I got up and danced with them. I didn't feel self-conscious while dancing and only felt self-conscious while drumming for a little bit. Drumming along with the music was lovely because I was more patient with myself than usual and didn't get angry when I missed a beat. I shifted this way and that with rhythms and felt in harmony with my drum in a way I haven't since before I moved into this house, three years ago. Kanika (my cat) and Lily (Serenity's service dog) kept us company and enjoyed the energy. I feel like tonight was meant to be -- I had a lot of maybe-plans that fell through for this to happen as it did.


back to top

belenen: (queer)
why I call myself an erotic mirror: I do not have intrinsic desire for any role in sex
icon: "queer (the logo for Transcending Boundaries Conference overlaid with the words "genderfree, queer, + trans / never a 1 or 0")"

I don't call myself a switch, because 1) that implies a binary where I choose to either be one or the other but I can't merge them, which is not true of my experience, and 2) other people who identify as switches usually do so because they have active, intrinsic desire to be submissive as well as active, intrinsic desire to be dominant. I don't have either of these things.

I call myself an erotic mirror because my access to the erotic is reflective. I don't have much intrinsic desire for sex in general (I am demisexual) and I have zero intrinsic desire for roles in sex. I don't daydream about particular kinds of sex or power play, for instance. I find the idea of imagining sex or power play to be very boring; when I masturbate, it is usually while paying attention to music or just meditating. I don't masturbate out of desire for sex; I do it as a gift to my body, or because I want menstrual cramps to go away, or to be able to fall asleep quickly, or because I want to meditate and can't focus enough without involving my body.

Rather than from within me, my sexual desire comes from an interaction with a person where they have a particular desire and my desire mirrors that: they want to submit and thus I want to make them submit, or they want to take charge and thus I want to allow them (though that is rare because I dislike how most people try to take charge: a person has to have an innate connection with their primal self for that to be appealing). Or if they want me to give them a particular sensation, or want to give me a sensation, then I want to do that too (unless receiving the sensation is actively unpleasant: if I am neutral on it and they want it, then I want it). If they have no particular shape of desire, then my desire is somewhat random -- whatever memory comes up of an occasion that was particularly emotionally intense is what I will want to do.

The only things I really love for their own sake are biting, kissing, and energy play. Even if the other person doesn't have an active desire for these things but is like "they're okay, I like them a little" I will want to do them. Not as much, but at least a little bit. Whereas with other things like genital touch or bondage, if the person feels only mild desire, I won't want to do them any more. I only want those things if the other person is really into it.

This is also why I think there is very little that someone could want me to do to them that I wouldn't want to do. Unless it violated one of my core values or risked serious bodily harm, I would probably be down.

I think I have had sex with one person who was also an erotic mirror, and our sex was so intensely connected that sometimes I wasn't sure which limbs were mine. It was transcendent: the emotional equivalent of two mirrors facing, endless recursion. I'd love to know more people who are erotic mirrors.


back to top

belenen: (bodylove -- me (belly goddess))
love letter to my soft, sweet, fat, cuddly belly
icon: "bodylove -- me (belly goddess) (a photo of my breasts and belly, covered in colorful marker drawings and glitter)"

Dear my belly,

I know it's been a long time coming, but I want to say I love you. You are soft and sensual like my breasts, but not so sensitive - perfect for casual petting. Having nuzzled other bellies, I know that nuzzling you must be so amazingly soft and sweet. I love your deep belly button and the way you make a fat teardrop shape when I sit. I love how I can squeeze you with my hands or wrap my arms around and hold you; it feels very comforting. Having you on my middle is like having a comfort pillow with me at all times. I love how you balance out my boobs enough that I can lay on my front (sorta) without pain. I love how you trick people into thinking I am not strong. Most of all I love how you feel to touch. If you were on someone else I love, I would want to pet, kiss, and nuzzle you constantly because you're so damn cuddly! I need to remember to treat my own parts with such love and attention.

I'm still learning to love some of your aspects. Like how you can't stand waistbands and are forever shoving them up right under my boobs or shoving them down to poke out above them. Probably if I wasn't concerned that other people would hate you I'd let you do what you want, but I feel I have to protect you with clothes and you make that a constant struggle. I also can't quite love how much you move. I love how it feels to touch you now that you're not dense, but feeling you move around when I run or jump makes me extra fretful that you're going to throw off my clothes. I also get a little worried that you are taking up too much space when I hug someone. I like to flow, to melt together, and sometimes you're not very melty.

I'm working on accepting and loving those things. Ultimately, I wouldn't trade you for a flat belly no matter what. You're my own soft cuddly poky belly and I am glad you exist. I'm going to try to be more expressive of my love for you and get you more rubs and pets. Thanks for being part of me.

Love,
-Belenen-


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
break w Topaz is over, back to romantic / getting visuals from kissing / the kinds of kisses I like
icon: "concupiscent (a photo of Angelina Jolie, backlit in sunlight, licking honey off of their wrist while staring intensely into the camera)"

So Topaz and I are finished with the break, and back to being romantic. I think I have posted all the things I learned from it; quite a lot really. We have decided to put off sex a while longer. They said their reasons aren't there any more, but over the past week I realized that it might be a good idea for me. I realized that if we start having sex again before I have active practice with asserting my needs, then I may subvert my needs out of fear that being assertive may decrease my chances of having sex. Sex is usually not that big a miss for me but it has been a very long time, relatively speaking, and sex is the easiest way of being fully, passionately present and I really miss that sense of passionate presence. But I would like to practice being fully, passionately present in non-sexual ways, and this will be motivation for that practice.

Seeing Topaz again (on Monday) was a relief, but also didn't feel fully real. That day they got some deeply tragic news, so they were really sad. They were worried that I wouldn't want to see them but of course I did, I would always want to be there for them on such a day. We had really good, connected time despite the sad.


I had forgotten what kissing was like (when I say I have an awful memory I am not kidding). I was swept away, kissing them. I got images in my mind from the sensation and the emotion -- flowing brown watercolored silk with deep red, and brass roses with swirly flame-burnished colors at one point, and at another a sense of a green lush garden in Wonderland, with symbols floating and characters wandering. I don't know why I was getting visuals but I really love it and hope it continues. I was very wrapped up in the moment. I also forgot that I shudder with pleasure from kissing -- I mean, I forgot enough to be surprised, and then was surprised that I was surprised because it is something I would think I would be thoroughly aware of by now. I always feel just a little self-conscious about it, because even though it is involuntary I feel worried after that the person may think I'm 'being dramatic' or something.

I love kissing so much. My favorite kind of kiss is pressing lips softly together, with mouths open just enough for tongues to be able to caress each other -- maybe half an inch. I don't like it when people have their teeth together or when they have their mouth wide open. I like tongues to be relaxed, touching each other and lips and teeth, reaching at least to just inside the other person's mouth. I don't like it when I have to do all the reaching in, and I don't like it when people stick their tongue in my mouth like they're being rude to the back of my throat. And people have to be willing to suck their own tongue and swallow occasionally (which always is an awkward second) so that there isn't too much saliva. I like some closed-mouth kissing -- I like sucking on someone's lower lip and caressing their lips with the tip of my tongue, and I consider it the height of erotic to press the tip of my tongue in between someone's almost-but-not-quite-closed lips. And I like gently sliding my lips along their lips, just a little bit, and vice versa. I like very VERY gentle, broad lip biting (my lips split easily so it must be gentle, and it must be a large section not a tiny piece of my lip). I like to touch peoples' face when I kiss them and vice versa. I like to touch someone's lips with my fingers before kissing them, and sometimes during (just touching the corner of their mouth).


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
yearning to be craved, desired, immersed, devoured.
icon: "concupiscent (a photo of Angelina Jolie, backlit in sunlight, licking honey off of their wrist while staring intensely into the camera)"

I yearn for someone to crave me. To want to put their hands on me and when they touch my skin, to forget themselves just a little and dig in with their fingertips because it feels so fucking good to have that contact. I want someone to intend just to give me a back pet in passing but then feel such magnetic pull that they stop, slide their hands around my waist, stroke my hips and grip them, kiss my shoulder, nuzzle my neck, wrap their arms around me, and bite me. I want someone to kiss me and get lost in it, forget everything else and revel in the sensation of my lips and tongue. I want someone to want to give me every pleasurable sensation, and to want to receive from me every pleasurable sensation. I want someone to want to be immersed in my energy, to want to feel my presence permeating theirs. I want someone to crave my hands on them and my lips on theirs and my body against theirs. I want them to want me to sink my teeth into them, to dig my claws into them. I want them to want to (for a short time) take over my self completely, and to want the inverse. I want them to want blending of energy within sex to the point that we're not sure which limb belongs to who, and I want them to be able to be present enough for that to be possible. I want them to want all of me, all of me, all of me, and I want them to want to share all of them, all. I want to intertwine with them and feel our breaths and our frequencies sync up.

All of this within the context of a mutually in-love relationship, not with any random person. I don't think I could want this with someone I wasn't in love with. I try imagining this with someone I am not currently in love with and my mind balks and throws darts at me. The feeling, if I am not in love, is that same jolt of badness that happens when I am touched with sexual intentions when I haven't had enough platonic loving touch. It's too shocking and intense to be enjoyable; the difference between sliding into a cool pool on a hot day or getting thrown into a cold pool on a freezing day.

I fall in love really easily, or at least I used to. I feel worried that that part of me is damaged with too many almosts that scalded me. I'm worried I've lost the knack of it. Strange I guess. I'm really afraid to hope.

If I can't fall in love again, if I've gotten too picky or too scared just too fuckin damaged, then I can't imagine wanting sex with other people any more. And I feel like there are so many things I barely got to try. The more I think about the idea of casual sex the more I hate it. I think it would make me feel nothing but a giant sense of loss and lack.


back to top

belenen: (brewing)
reduced anxiety = increased sexual desire / recent experience with percussion play / need my claws!
icon: "brewing (a photo of a ceramic mug with sticks of cinnamon poking out and steam rising up)"

One of the effects of being on anxiety meds now is that my desire for sex is significantly increased. I now understand why most of the time when I get drunk, I want to have passionate kisses and maybe sex; drinking reduces my anxiety. This in combination with the circumstances in which I get drunk (celebrating with people I love, usually) means that I suddenly become aware of desire. I think that anxiety interrupts my sexual desire before it gets to the point of even being a conscious thought.

The unpleasant aspect of this is is that I am not currently in any sexual relationships. I think it is rather sad that when I had the people I did not have the skills to know and ask for what I wanted, and now that I am self-aware enough to know exactly what I want and be able to ask for it very clearly and without pressure or fear, I don't have anyone to ask. My previous lovers are unavailable in various ways (several live out of state now). I wish I was bold enough to invite someone to have sex with me outside of the context of a relationship but I'm not, partly because I have never done it and it's possible that without being in love I won't get much out of it? I'm so curious, but a complete unknown is not something I want to take such a risk for, at least not at this point.

My ideal lover is:
- anti-oppression & growth-focused & self-aware & good at self-care (so that we can be friends):
- good at using spiritual/emotional energy to create sensation and/or deepen connection
- good at negotiating expectations
- very communicative, especially about what they enjoy or dislike
- as good at initiating as they are at responding
- generous and skilled at adjusting touch based on reactions
- into planning a sexperience
- fond of being bitten, especially receiving marks
- into percussion play, giving and receiving

I had posted on fb about wanting to receive percussion, and a friend responded offering to give that to me. It took a long time to schedule it but we finally set a plan for last Sunday, and I went to their house (since I was already halfway there to meet another friend). The friend who offered lives with another friend of mine, and I ended up cuddling with them and then being flogged by one and paddled by the other. The flogger was long heavy slim strips of suede, mostly thuddy with some sting. The paddle was the size of a small ceiling fan blade but about an inch thick. I was intimidated at first but it didn't feel heavier than mine (which is the same thickness) and in fact was less intense because the impact was more spread out.. It was a very relaxing and enjoyable experience, very sensual without being sexual. It confirmed for me that the sensation of being flogged or thumped with heavy objects is magical for me. I had completely forgotten the sensation of the energy building up on my back until after I was flogged and then someone put a hand on my back and I felt it go through a layer of energy before touching me. I then asked that they let the energy sit for a while next time, and they of course obliged. The second time, the energy was even more palpable, and I felt exposed in a very unique way.

Later, one of them offered to let me try their steel finger claws and I did and HOLY FUCK I had the hardest time not digging in. I restrained myself pretty hard and still was giddy enough that one remarked to the other "was I this delighted when you gave them to me?" I felt like I finally could feel the physical manifestation of a spiritual part of me and it was a revelation. I need some for myself. Not need like I will suffer damage without them, but need as in to be my fullest self.


back to top

belenen: (interconnectedness)
why I identify as demisexual / what makes sex worth the effort / sexual vs sensual touch / kissing
icon: "interconnectedness (two bald purple-skinned people in the ocean: from Joan Slonczewski's "Door Into Ocean")"

The main reason I consider myself demisexual is that the actual 'sex' part of sex doesn't interest me. It's the things that I get during sex other than physical stimulation that make sex valuable to me. Things that make sex worth it for me are...

1) energy play that is easier and more intense because my body is revved up (exercise or roughhousing play works for this too, or some drugs I'm sure).
2) the intimacy of having someone watch my body and listen to my sounds when I am totally uninhibited. (being very drunk and dancing would provide this too, but is more work and expense).
3) the emotional high that my allosexual partners get from sex which makes them more relaxed and affectionate, sometimes for days after.
4) learning about someone in a wordless way through their reactions and desires.
5) in-depth discussions of feelings. I don't get much out of sex despite the above unless we talk out the experience afterward. This has been a difficulty for me because frankly most people are really bad at talking about sex and not great at talking about their feelings either, but I've had the occasional lover who was naturally good at it and others deliberately built their skills.

I don't experience any particular touch as always sexual, not giving or receiving. Nor do I experience any touch as inherently non-sexual. For me, sex is about intention more than anything else. I can't stand for my non-sexually-meant touch to be taken as sexual by someone else. Even if I am in a sexual relationship with them and often enjoy sex with them, if I am not wanting and intending sex, I don't want my touch to be taken that way. Along the same lines, I can often miss "I wanna have sex" signals because I don't apply sexual thought to touch unless that is invited. Someone once literally put their face in between my breasts and I did not interpret this as an expression of sexual interest (later they told me that it was and I realized that most people would probably have taken it that way).

I sometimes enjoy giving/receiving touch that would usually be sexual as purely sensual instead. Touch with that level of intimacy minus the urgency of sex makes for the most tender touch I can imagine. But then, I am not sure this translates for other people because my body still responds in a sexual way eventually. It just feels completely different and makes me almost want to cry (not in a sad way, but like I'd cry at a particularly beautiful piece of music). I've experienced this with Topaz, Kylei, and (to a much lesser extent) my ex-spouse.

I do like the physical sensation of touching other people's genitals. If not for all the mental associations, I would probably like to touch them often in non-sexual ways. That is, not for sexual pleasure but because they feel nice, warm and soft and close. I could cup my hand around them and have it held in place by their thighs which would feel very intimate (whether they were clothed or not). If not for people being ticklish or otherwise uncomfortable with the idea, I'd probably enjoy putting my hands in people's armpits for the same reason.

kissing )


back to top

belenen: (osculant)
Touch: the kinds of hugs, kisses, and cuddles that I love
I really love hugs. Before Topaz I rarely got good ones: either they squished my (very sensitive) breasts or they were loose and impersonal or even worse they were perfunctory pretend-closeness and came with the 'pat-pat' (BLUGHHHH, gross gross gross). But now I've both gotten spoiled and learned to hug better: full-body gentle pressing-close with full presence of attention, melting my arms into them rather than pressing my hands to them and sticking my elbows out. I was always afraid of hugging people 'too long' but I'm over that shit now (mostly) and don't do the wrap-arms-around-wait-one-second-exactly-and-then-pull-away unless I'm distracted. I try not to hug distractedly and it's now my favorite touch. I'm trying to get in the habit of letting the other person pull away first (the second they move to pull away I let go of course). I love being hugged from behind (because then I feel no anxiety about my breasts getting squished). I love hugging people from behind (because then I don't have to worry about people pulling me forward at the shoulder awkwardly over my breasts in hunching discomfort). I looooove hugging people shorter than me because they fit so neatly with me, their shoulder tucked under my arm and their head resting on my shoulder/chest. I love hugging people who melt into me.

Kisses are second; I like almost all varieties of kisses as long as the person doesn't eat a lot of meat (it makes you taste acrid) or have spiky stubble. I like bitey ones (if they take enough lip in, biting a tiny bit of my lip is NO) and hard-pressing ones and lots-of-tongue ones and closed-mouth full-pressing gentle ones. My favorite is full-pressing bottom-lip-sucking tongue-stroking-lips with occasional tongue penetration. Although I do really like full-mouth tongues stroking each other like snakes, as long as the person doesn't make their tongue a poky cylinder (soft tongue is better!) but I haven't done that in a long while because Topaz doesn't like it and I haven't been romantic/sensual with anyone else. Kisses on places other than my mouth I like to be soft but full-pressing (where most of your lips touch the person but not in a pursed way; putting your lips against their skin before making the kissing motion).

I also cherish cuddling and being petted (and petting others the same way). I love having someone run their fingers through my hair with soft (and some hard) tugs. I love having my back scritched or lightly stroked. I love holding hands fingers-entwined, especially with attention (like the person petting/kissing my hand) or with forearms also touching (that kind usually has to be done lying down). I love having my feet rubbed, but massage other places doesn't do much for me unless I'm sore. I love to give and receive shoulder-kisses; for me the shoulder kiss means something different than a kiss anywhere else. It means affection with no expectation of reciprocity (I don't know why it has this connotation for me). I love being nuzzled (gently). I love being wrapped up with someone, like when I lay with someone and we have arms and legs intertwined, or a flamingo hug. I love when someone paintbrush-pets me, running along my edges and contours with a skimming fingertip. I love full-body laying-down hugs where the person is on top of me with feet tucked under my legs and arms tucked under my back with hands folded over my shoulders (or vice-versa). I love biting and being bitten -- this can be playful or sensual or erotic or any combination, and is the one kind of sexual touch I like 'randomly' (outside of sexual experiences). I love when people gently press their face into my neck. I love when people sit in my lap and let me wrap them up in my arms. I looooove when people stroke my hips and waist, sliding along my side-twist. I love carrying people on my back (and I'm pretty strong: I can carry at least 3/4ths of my own weight). I love energy-flow touch like each person putting their right hand on the other person's heart chakra.

Sex is good too, but if I could never have it again I'd be fine. Loving deliberate touch, though, I need in order to be a happy and nourished person.

What are your favorite kinds of touch? be as specific and descriptive as possible ;-)
sounds: Banks - Fall Over | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (progressing)
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

important events in 2011 )


back to top

belenen: (progressing)
important events in 2011 / becoming an effective catalyst for the change I want to see in the world


2011 was a whirlwind of growth and renewal; looking back, I cannot believe how much I've changed and how much my life has changed. I feel like I wouldn't even recognize my year-ago self. And yet so much has changed since the turn of the year... exponential change. I'm so much more fierce, nourished, confident, and aware than last year. I've created the sources for art, creativity, and intimacy that I want; I've found avenues for developing change; I've started stripping away the fear that blocked me from being a catalyst for equality.

In 2011 I gained a much deeper understanding of oppression, both historically and in its current manifestations; Kyle and I went through so many shifts, deepening our relationship and creating positive ways of managing conflict; Kyle became a feminist/equalist; I met lots of important new people; Kyle and I started doing energy work regularly on ourselves and each other; I was in continuous growth and needed rest which I didn't know how to take, so throughout the year I had several depressions and learned how to notice when I needed rest; I started hosting crafty parties! and now have a source of amazing creation in my life ♥; I met the Angel Oak, participated in a TreeSpirit shoot, and had so many incredible magical experiences with Kyle in Charleston; I realized my intersexedness in a profound way and began living it, though not sharing the details of meaning with folk (and it's still too scary to write about though I hope that will change soon); I experienced my first burn, Euphoria, and loved it -- then experienced my second, Alchemy, and did not like it; Aurilion and I had several bursts of intense connection; I fell in love with Abby and we started dating, quickly moving into a time-committed relationship; Arizona and I started dating again; Kyle and Adi started dating; I became part of the formation of a queer group on campus; I sortakinda dated Eanox for a short time; I had my first successful anti-oppression experience and felt thrilled with the possibilities of further action; I went to Transcending Boundaries with Kyle; I started forming tribe (a truly interconnected group of people all of whom were building connection with each other).

important events in 2011 )


back to top

belenen: (confused)
on being [too] sensitive sexually
I'm a very physically/sexually sensitive person. On the positive side, it means that I have orgasms easily and that I can orgasm in several different ways. But on the negative side, it means that I have to communicate a LOT just to make sex not-bad, and for it to be really good the other person has to know me very well or be highly intuitive as well as a good listener.

specifics )

It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my body and I often want to trade it in for one that's easier -- one where penetration is NOT usually uncomfortable and hard touch is fine anywhere, right away. I can't really imagine what that would be like, but it seems like it would be more fun for others to have sex with. I feel both upset with myself for having such a "difficult" body, and with the world because I'm willing to learn other people's bodies individually and touch them in a way that is pleasurable to them and not just tactile-y pleasurable to me, and I want that in return. I want it to be normal for people to expect to have to learn me, instead of applying the same "moves" to everyone. Not that any recent/current lovers have acted like that -- but others I have wanted to have sex with have (and then I didn't have sex with them, obv), and it feels like a theme because everyone reacts to my sensitivity with such surprise. People express sexual interest in me and I think to myself that they wouldn't enjoy sex that would actually please me -- even if they'd be down with equalist sex, there's THIS to consider. Also I feel like this physical sensitivity makes me seem "not passionate" or "tentative" to others. I like fierceness! I am passionate! I like intense sensation! wanting it lighter in certain places is not about wanting it less intense -- it's about it already BEING intense.

Am I the only one who is this sensitive? Why is it so shocking? sometimes I wonder if other people turn their sensitivity down (as I have done sometimes in order to enjoy sex after I felt like the other person was trying but just not getting it -- it made the sex less pleasurable but it kept it from being uncomfortable). Or maybe it's a spirit-soul-heart-mind-body connection thing. I know I used to be less sensitive in some ways, maybe I'm this sensitive now because I'm fully present. Maybe it's just me and I'll have to resign myself to not having casual sex. That wouldn't crush me but it is a disappointing idea because many people only connect intensely through sex, so it limits me. I could just have one-way sex (where they don't stimulate me) and I do enjoy that a lot but I want to be touched too.
sounds: Blue Foundation - Witch of Troule | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (confused)
on being [too] sensitive sexually
I'm a very physically/sexually sensitive person. On the positive side, it means that I have orgasms easily and that I can orgasm in several different ways. But on the negative side, it means that I have to communicate a LOT just to make sex not-bad, and for it to be really good the other person has to know me very well or be highly intuitive as well as a good listener.

specifics )

It makes me feel like there is something wrong with my body and I often want to trade it in for one that's easier -- one where penetration is NOT usually uncomfortable and hard touch is fine anywhere, right away. I can't really imagine what that would be like, but it seems like it would be more fun for others to have sex with. I feel both upset with myself for having such a "difficult" body, and with the world because I'm willing to learn other people's bodies individually and touch them in a way that is pleasurable to them and not just tactile-y pleasurable to me, and I want that in return. I want it to be normal for people to expect to have to learn me, instead of applying the same "moves" to everyone. Not that any recent/current lovers have acted like that -- but others I have wanted to have sex with have (and then I didn't have sex with them, obv), and it feels like a theme because everyone reacts to my sensitivity with such surprise. People express sexual interest in me and I think to myself that they wouldn't enjoy sex that would actually please me -- even if they'd be down with equalist sex, there's THIS to consider. Also I feel like this physical sensitivity makes me seem "not passionate" or "tentative" to others. I like fierceness! I am passionate! I like intense sensation! wanting it lighter in certain places is not about wanting it less intense -- it's about it already BEING intense.

Am I the only one who is this sensitive? Why is it so shocking? sometimes I wonder if other people turn their sensitivity down (as I have done sometimes in order to enjoy sex after I felt like the other person was trying but just not getting it -- it made the sex less pleasurable but it kept it from being uncomfortable). Or maybe it's a spirit-soul-heart-mind-body connection thing. I know I used to be less sensitive in some ways, maybe I'm this sensitive now because I'm fully present. Maybe it's just me and I'll have to resign myself to not having casual sex. That wouldn't crush me but it is a disappointing idea because many people only connect intensely through sex, so it limits me. I could just have one-way sex (where they don't stimulate me) and I do enjoy that a lot but I want to be touched too.
sounds: Blue Foundation - Witch of Troule | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
more gushing about Abby, interaction stories ♥
argalarga, I'm starting to get a little embarrassed about my gushing so I think this one will be locked *blush* [and now I'm not embarrassed anymore so unlocking it :D]

ohmigod, I'm crushing SO HARD. I randomly catch myself saying "Abby!" just out of nowhere, in a happy little voice, and then I laugh at myself (and check to see if anyone's around). aghhhhhh ze's so cute and gorgeous and charming that I can't stand it! Monday when ze was over here and I was painting on zir back ze talked about how it was calming and exciting at the same time, and how ze liked it because of the intimacy of it -- and it made me happy not just because it communicated desire but because ze's comfortable saying "I like this because [verbal exploration of the sensation and emotion]." We've been doing a lot of talking about communicating, discussing how much we like and the way we like it, and we have very similar desires there -- asking for what you want, communicating how you feel, saying what you think. And it feels really frank and easy. I feel much less like i have to hold back my interest than usual (I wish it would all go away but I've been hearing myself say "I love you" and am still too worried about it being taboo to verbalize it, so I'm definitely not totally free). And ze's so comfortable emotionally investing in me. I think that's the most surprising bit.

story bits from our first date ♥ ♥ ♥ )
sounds: Sia - Clap Your Hands | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
more gushing about Abby, interaction stories ♥
argalarga, I'm starting to get a little embarrassed about my gushing so I think this one will be locked *blush* [and now I'm not embarrassed anymore so unlocking it :D]

ohmigod, I'm crushing SO HARD. I randomly catch myself saying "Abby!" just out of nowhere, in a happy little voice, and then I laugh at myself (and check to see if anyone's around). aghhhhhh ze's so cute and gorgeous and charming that I can't stand it! Monday when ze was over here and I was painting on zir back ze talked about how it was calming and exciting at the same time, and how ze liked it because of the intimacy of it -- and it made me happy not just because it communicated desire but because ze's comfortable saying "I like this because [verbal exploration of the sensation and emotion]." We've been doing a lot of talking about communicating, discussing how much we like and the way we like it, and we have very similar desires there -- asking for what you want, communicating how you feel, saying what you think. And it feels really frank and easy. I feel much less like i have to hold back my interest than usual (I wish it would all go away but I've been hearing myself say "I love you" and am still too worried about it being taboo to verbalize it, so I'm definitely not totally free). And ze's so comfortable emotionally investing in me. I think that's the most surprising bit.

story bits from our first date ♥ ♥ ♥ )
sounds: Sia - Clap Your Hands | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
thoughts on BDSM, power exchange, fierce-and-equalist sex, sensation play, bondage
Two years ago I wrote my thoughts and feelings on BDSM, with this disclaimer, "my thoughts on this are not firm or concrete, and remember that this opinion may change." And it has. Part of it hasn't -- I still feel that practicing power imbalance can reinforce/perpetuate inequality, and there are elements that actively upset me (rape/incest/abuse roleplaying, humiliation, objectification, slavery) -- but some of it has changed as I've come to a better understanding of what people mean when they say BDSM. There is a lot that falls under the BDSM umbrella that's not included in the acronym. I used to think that anyone into BDSM/kink was automatically into the use of power exchange but I've learned that this is not the case. So, I want to echo my previous post on power exchange with more accurate language, and then share a bit about the aspects of BDSM that do resonate with me.
re-posting rather than linking because the old one contained unnecessary paragraphs )

As for the elements that resonate with me? fierceness, high levels of communication about specific acts, sensation play, specific kinds of bondage, and things that are referred to as "kinky" and are fetishes to some, though they don't excite me in a way that I personally consider fetishistic. I associate "fetish" with "automatic erotic response" which I don't think I ever experience (my erotic response is highly situational), but I think that other people use the word "fetish" to simply mean "something that attracts me" so I sometimes use the word that way.

I use the term "fierce" instead of "rough" to describe the kind of aggressive sex that I like )

And sensation play? this is a new one for me. I've discovered that things that would cause me pain if I were not aroused feel... I dunno how to describe it. It just feels intense, in a way that amps up my adrenaline. I love being bitten and I like being scratched (with fingernails) -- partly for the sensation and partly for the marks afterward. Being marked makes me feel really loved; it feels like a kiss that I get to wear. (sadly I don't mark easily and mine fade fast, but that makes me even happier about them when they do 'take' and last) And I love feeling ache afterward in my muscles or (every now and then) in a particularly bruisy mark. There are a lot of elements in this category that I'm curious about -- I've tried electric stimulation and even the slightest current is really unpleasant to me (I think I'm just very sensitive to that kind of energy) but there are quite a few other things I want to try. I think I might enjoy flogging or firecupping and I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy wax.

On bondage -- I resonate with bondage for sensation/energetic-current and found that to be amazing, and am definitely interested in exploring that more. I'm also interested in using bondage for trust-building -- I'm still a little undecided on that but want to try it. I think it can be done without power difference, and I'll have to try it to see.


illustrations -- me and Kyle ♥ )
sounds: Florence + the Machine - Howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
thoughts on BDSM, power exchange, fierce-and-equalist sex, sensation play, bondage
Two years ago I wrote my thoughts and feelings on BDSM, with this disclaimer, "my thoughts on this are not firm or concrete, and remember that this opinion may change." And it has. Part of it hasn't -- I still feel that practicing power imbalance can reinforce/perpetuate inequality, and there are elements that actively upset me (rape/incest/abuse roleplaying, humiliation, objectification, slavery) -- but some of it has changed as I've come to a better understanding of what people mean when they say BDSM. There is a lot that falls under the BDSM umbrella that's not included in the acronym. I used to think that anyone into BDSM/kink was automatically into the use of power exchange but I've learned that this is not the case. So, I want to echo my previous post on power exchange with more accurate language, and then share a bit about the aspects of BDSM that do resonate with me.
re-posting rather than linking because the old one contained unnecessary paragraphs )

As for the elements that resonate with me? fierceness, high levels of communication about specific acts, sensation play, specific kinds of bondage, and things that are referred to as "kinky" and are fetishes to some, though they don't excite me in a way that I personally consider fetishistic. I associate "fetish" with "automatic erotic response" which I don't think I ever experience (my erotic response is highly situational), but I think that other people use the word "fetish" to simply mean "something that attracts me" so I sometimes use the word that way.

I use the term "fierce" instead of "rough" to describe the kind of aggressive sex that I like )

And sensation play? this is a new one for me. I've discovered that things that would cause me pain if I were not aroused feel... I dunno how to describe it. It just feels intense, in a way that amps up my adrenaline. I love being bitten and I like being scratched (with fingernails) -- partly for the sensation and partly for the marks afterward. Being marked makes me feel really loved; it feels like a kiss that I get to wear. (sadly I don't mark easily and mine fade fast, but that makes me even happier about them when they do 'take' and last) And I love feeling ache afterward in my muscles or (every now and then) in a particularly bruisy mark. There are a lot of elements in this category that I'm curious about -- I've tried electric stimulation and even the slightest current is really unpleasant to me (I think I'm just very sensitive to that kind of energy) but there are quite a few other things I want to try. I think I might enjoy flogging or firecupping and I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy wax.

On bondage -- I resonate with bondage for sensation/energetic-current and found that to be amazing, and am definitely interested in exploring that more. I'm also interested in using bondage for trust-building -- I'm still a little undecided on that but want to try it. I think it can be done without power difference, and I'll have to try it to see.


illustrations -- me and Kyle ♥ )
sounds: Florence + the Machine - Howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (woven souls)
KYLE'S BACK! / spirit connections w Kyle, Hannah, etc / how our connection is helping me grow/learn
There are just no words for how much relief and joy I feel at having Kyle back. Y'all who knew me when Hannah or Aurilion came to visit know how excited I was picking them up at the airport after not seeing them for 3 months (Aurilion) or a YEAR (Hannah) and I was nearly that excited about seeing Kyle after NINE DAYS apart. And I think we talked (mostly on gtalk) for at least three hours every day except for Friday and Saturday... but I crave Kyle's touch all the time, and I crave touching zir, and I crave eye contact and exploring new things with our bodies and energybodies. I now understand why Hannah missed Nick even when ze was with me (which I found upsetting at the time because I was like, "but it's US! how can you miss someone else when filled with THIS magic?") -- and find it flattering that it took a while for the missing to start. I've never lived with someone who was both WIDE FUCKING OPEN and deeply connected on multiple levels before -- I had a little taste of it when I lived at Serendipity and everyone was actively practicing openness, but it's different when it's already habit. I don't think I ever wrote about how Kyle and I connect energetically and I still don't think I'm ready to write about it but it's really insanely intense -- we're even more alike than Hannah and I. And I think it's funny that people probably don't see us as alike (especially because when I'm around Kyle I'm often so enchanted with watching zir interact with people that I'm much quieter than usual) but we are. We just developed opposite coping mechanisms, heh. Kyle and I fit together like Hannah and I but ze inspires me in different ways. Hannah pushes me in compassion and knowledge and creative expression (individual) -- Kyle pushes me in adventure and exploring and creative expression (co-operative). They both push me in openness but in different ways -- Hannah pushes me with questions that help me find hidden areas of myself, and Kyle pushes me with simply living an example of unedited openness (which is the most beautiful thing I can imagine). Not to say that those are totally discrete categories, 'cause I certainly learn all those things from both of them, but those are the ways they lean.

And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, !!! )

One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)

And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.
sounds: Beats Antique - Runaway | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (woven souls)
KYLE'S BACK! / spirit connections w Kyle, Hannah, etc / how our connection is helping me grow/learn
There are just no words for how much relief and joy I feel at having Kyle back. Y'all who knew me when Hannah or Aurilion came to visit know how excited I was picking them up at the airport after not seeing them for 3 months (Aurilion) or a YEAR (Hannah) and I was nearly that excited about seeing Kyle after NINE DAYS apart. And I think we talked (mostly on gtalk) for at least three hours every day except for Friday and Saturday... but I crave Kyle's touch all the time, and I crave touching zir, and I crave eye contact and exploring new things with our bodies and energybodies. I now understand why Hannah missed Nick even when ze was with me (which I found upsetting at the time because I was like, "but it's US! how can you miss someone else when filled with THIS magic?") -- and find it flattering that it took a while for the missing to start. I've never lived with someone who was both WIDE FUCKING OPEN and deeply connected on multiple levels before -- I had a little taste of it when I lived at Serendipity and everyone was actively practicing openness, but it's different when it's already habit. I don't think I ever wrote about how Kyle and I connect energetically and I still don't think I'm ready to write about it but it's really insanely intense -- we're even more alike than Hannah and I. And I think it's funny that people probably don't see us as alike (especially because when I'm around Kyle I'm often so enchanted with watching zir interact with people that I'm much quieter than usual) but we are. We just developed opposite coping mechanisms, heh. Kyle and I fit together like Hannah and I but ze inspires me in different ways. Hannah pushes me in compassion and knowledge and creative expression (individual) -- Kyle pushes me in adventure and exploring and creative expression (co-operative). They both push me in openness but in different ways -- Hannah pushes me with questions that help me find hidden areas of myself, and Kyle pushes me with simply living an example of unedited openness (which is the most beautiful thing I can imagine). Not to say that those are totally discrete categories, 'cause I certainly learn all those things from both of them, but those are the ways they lean.

And right now, even with all the fruitfulness of my life (and I feel it is really flourishing), whenever I am not interacting with Kyle I feel like I am waiting for the next interaction. That feels like the greatest 'work' of my life at the moment, !!! )

One thing Maggie mentioned about the way Kyle and I interact is that we do things just "in tune" with each other -- if we're cleaning or cooking or just setting something up, we don't bump into each other or have to discuss much, we just act in tandem. I consider this a function of our spirit connection 'cause I've experienced it with everyone else I have spirit connections with; it's just stronger with Kyle and extends past conscious projects to spiritual senses about things. And that? I can't explain directly but I think I can explain sideways by saying that I feel we could share an altar. (which is a new and profound realization)

And I've learned that making personal taboos is not a way I want to try to keep myself on track. I developed a taboo against "being untrue" and instead of helping me be true, it made me afraid to change or explore things that were on the edges of me-ness, because if I accidentally did something that wasn't true to me, that would not be okay. I started realizing this a long time ago when I decided that being a little bit of a hypocrite was important to me, but I didn't realize just how important that is. I've decided that accepting/celebrating imperfection (and calling it hypocrisy to take the sting out of that word) is important to me and something that I will add to my list of core values to make them unabsolute.
sounds: Beats Antique - Runaway | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
important events in 2010 / overwhelming change, desire, and passion wrapped in community
a drawing titled "Adolescence" by Norman Lindsay
& a fractal titled "Conception" by sideoutman:



2010 was such a huge year that I'm intimidated by the idea of trying to sum it up, but combining "Conception" and "Adolescence" is a good start. The fractal is expressive of a coiled, freshly-created energy and purpose, which I certainly conceived in 2010. The drawing (oh Norman Lindsay I love you <3) is full of exploration and communication and relating. I see myself in quite a few of the characters, and the harpies and sphinxes with their worshipful open faces speak to me of turning lack and mystery into love and knowledge. The horned characters make me especially happy, as the presence of Pan in my life this year has been quiet but oh-so-profound.

Last January I declared 2010 the year of passion, and oh GOD/DESS yes it was! both good and bad kinds. It started off with a BANG -- hate (which I hadn't felt in years) and fury (over the ex-partner), followed by a few months of stress and worry (mostly over finances), then a few days of delirious happiness (in an almost-triad with strong energetic exchange), then depression and anger (break-up pain and mistreatment), then an explosion of sheer joy (Arizona!) which increased (Serendipity!) and increased (Chip!) and increased (Kyle!) for two months, then contentment and productivity (living & working with Serendipity), then stress and shifting (school again! culture shock, not dating justben actively), then horrible pain (herpes AGH), then exploring/adventuring inspired by Kyle (meeting more people, going new places, having more sexperiences), then an emotional breakdown as I finally reach my coping limit (so much change! so much intensity!), then my first burn-type event!, then breaking up with Arizona, then lots of intoxication with dancing and kissing, and lots of friendship exploration (mostly in Kyle's social group).

Or, most everything I expressed gratitude for at the beginning of the year. It was DEFINITELY "filled with all the love and sex and joy and passion and boldness" that I could handle -- and I was able to handle more than I thought possible. And I certainly met more people with whom I connect deeply, and learned more about sex and the role it is to play in my life. And for the first time, I've experienced being satisfied by the amount of loving touch I get, and for the first time since the Wynnes I've felt fully understood and appreciated and accepted and desired. And I've become more comfortable sharing my art (I did photoshoots! with people I didn't know well at the time!) and became healthier. The only thing that I feel didn't increase is my understanding of my spiritual connection with nature and having my lil sis live with/near me, so those move to my 2011 presumptuous thanks :D

important events in 2010 )


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
sex without receiving physical stimulation: reflection and consonance ♥
Sometimes when I'm feeling very deeply connected with a person and I'm stroking, kissing, pleasuring zir but not being physically stimulated myself, I feel the reflections of zir sensations through my whole being. It starts as reflections; I touch zir, ze reacts, I feel mirrored sensations in my body and I react -- and that feels so beautiful and connected and intensely erotic. Sometimes it feels so intense that I can't actually handle being physically stimulated because I'm feeling so much already. And sometimes I just want to feel what ze's feeling without being distracted by direct physical sensations.

..and then sometimes it syncs up and I fall into perfect consonance )
sounds: PJ Harvey - Oh My Lover | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
sex without receiving physical stimulation: reflection and consonance ♥
Sometimes when I'm feeling very deeply connected with a person and I'm stroking, kissing, pleasuring zir but not being physically stimulated myself, I feel the reflections of zir sensations through my whole being. It starts as reflections; I touch zir, ze reacts, I feel mirrored sensations in my body and I react -- and that feels so beautiful and connected and intensely erotic. Sometimes it feels so intense that I can't actually handle being physically stimulated because I'm feeling so much already. And sometimes I just want to feel what ze's feeling without being distracted by direct physical sensations.

..and then sometimes it syncs up and I fall into perfect consonance )
sounds: PJ Harvey - Oh My Lover | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust
I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.


back to top

belenen: (semi aitiaidi colour roc)
growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust
I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.

attempting to string emotions and sensations into word patterns -- what it's like to connect with Anita )

Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW I can imagine it )

...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
Anita! ♥
(this was friends-locked because I hadn't asked if I could mention zir by name and also because I'm still in the new-and-nerrrrvous stage)

So, the person I dreamed about and then confessed my crush on is Anita *giggles* I don't have any really good photos of zir yet (because I've only taken them at night :-p) but this one is my current favorite (friends-locked for zir semi-anonymity). Ohmygod so damn cute! And I get to kiss that mouth ;-)

I have it really bad, y'all. OH GOD. I'd been crushing on zir pretty much since I met zir (last May I think) but a lot more after zir birthday party in August when we danced together (HOTTT). But first my life was crazy and when it finally settled, ze was wayyy too busy. And plus I was too shy because I had no idea if ze liked me back and because the connection I feel with zir feels very important and massively life-changing to explore and I have a bizarre tendency to put off anything which seems "too amazing."

So anyway! Ze wrote me back and said that ze had had a crush on me toooo (!!!) and then we set a date for Sunday and I was pretty much dying of impatience. Luckily Ash threw an impromptu Beltaine party Friday night and invited Anita and even though ze was exhausted ze joined us :D Friday night and Sunday evening! )

I'm kinda in shock. )
sounds: Azure Ray - How You Remember | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (ecstatic)
Anita! ♥
(this was friends-locked because I hadn't asked if I could mention zir by name and also because I'm still in the new-and-nerrrrvous stage)

So, the person I dreamed about and then confessed my crush on is Anita *giggles* I don't have any really good photos of zir yet (because I've only taken them at night :-p) but this one is my current favorite (friends-locked for zir semi-anonymity). Ohmygod so damn cute! And I get to kiss that mouth ;-)

I have it really bad, y'all. OH GOD. I'd been crushing on zir pretty much since I met zir (last May I think) but a lot more after zir birthday party in August when we danced together (HOTTT). But first my life was crazy and when it finally settled, ze was wayyy too busy. And plus I was too shy because I had no idea if ze liked me back and because the connection I feel with zir feels very important and massively life-changing to explore and I have a bizarre tendency to put off anything which seems "too amazing."

So anyway! Ze wrote me back and said that ze had had a crush on me toooo (!!!) and then we set a date for Sunday and I was pretty much dying of impatience. Luckily Ash threw an impromptu Beltaine party Friday night and invited Anita and even though ze was exhausted ze joined us :D Friday night and Sunday evening! )

I'm kinda in shock. )
sounds: Azure Ray - How You Remember | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
dream (discussing fire and baldness, then kissing)
Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
dream (discussing fire and baldness, then kissing)
Last night I dreamed that I went over to this-person-I-know's home and ze showed me zir plans for zir sanctuary (I thought it was odd ze was using my term but assumed it was to relate to me), warning me not to get mad. I asked "why would I get mad??" and ze said "because it's a fire hazard." I said "oh" and thought about it for a minute -- was I angry about zir potentially risking zir life? Then I decided that one's spirituality was more important than one's physical safety and said so. Ze started telling me about this conversation ze'd had with some famous person that ze was surprised I didn't know of -- ze was looking through scrap paper to find zir notes from the conversation. We were both laying on our bellies on the floor and when ze started sort of rambling I leaned over and laid my head next to zirs so they were touching. Ze stopped talking and we sort of just rested together for a moment. Then ze pulled zirself up to sitting and said, "I don't know why I'm calling this a haircut, that's misleading -- what I want is to completely shave my head, to be bald." I rolled over on my back to make eye contact and said, "oooh, me too! I'm just not sure when with everything so up in the air." I suddenly realized just how close above me ze was and put my fingers on my mouth to stop me kissing zir, and ze leaned down and kissed me! After that I was NOT shy about kissing zir, running my hands through zir hair and gripping zir neck and listening to zir little moany noises. And then of course I woke up from sheer excitement.

I've had SUCH a crush on this person for a LONG time, ohmygod. And I'd never have expected zir to kiss ME because I don't see zir as being that ... initiatory? but then, after that first moment it was mostly me kissing and zir responding. I want this to be a prophetic dream but I fear it is just a wishful dream :-p Still, what a lovely way to wake up! (ten minutes before my alarm was to go off!)
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (summer in Georgia)
sad over loss of barely-budded connections / time with justben is so healing and beautiful ♥
I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling very alone and sad )

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (summer in Georgia)
sad over loss of barely-budded connections / time with justben is so healing and beautiful ♥
I've been missing all of my people this week and just feeling very alone and sad )

Time with Ben somehow just keeps getting better. The dynamic between us baffles me because it's so... shifty! I dunno how to describe it. When we're not together it's like it's on pause, and then when we're together it's like flying. Yesterday ze came over and spent the night and for a while we kissed and kissed and sort of dancy-swayed together to music and OH MY GOD that was intense. And afterward there was a new sort of energy between us, something even more tender and intermingled than usual. It felt really healing and restful. Then this morning we got up with the intention of going to the Etowah Indian Mounds but they're closed on Sundays :-p so we just went driving around... we came across a power plant, which I'd have expected to hate (because eww pollution and eww mass-production) but I LOVED. It felt so wonderful to be near it! vibrant and clean and, well, powerful! I wanted to just go and sit near, but of course it was all fenced in and guarded. (but Ben drove back and forth a little so I could get photos ♥) We also drove by a tree that had the most amazing silver leaves (I think it was a silver linden but can't be sure, didn't get close enough to see the leaf shapes) and a whole stand of babies, gorgeous! I forgot how much I love being driven around and getting to experience just the movement and the feeling without having to focus on driving. I lovelovelove that Ben did that.
sounds: Florence & The Machine - howl | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (hopeful)
been sick / YAY WARMTH / Ash is happy / buzzed hair reaction / feel boring / amazing birthday gifts!
FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

feeling like a bore )

specialness from my birthday )

Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!
sounds: Metric - Help I'm Alive | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (hopeful)
been sick / YAY WARMTH / Ash is happy / buzzed hair reaction / feel boring / amazing birthday gifts!
FINALLY I FEEL LIKE WRITING. Oh this will be quite the looooong rambly entry. I'll put it (mostly) in a lj-cut list!

have been sick )

On a much happier note, the past two days have been HEAVENLY WARM and today driving home from work I looked at the spring green in the trees and actually started crying with joy (and am tearing up now thinking on it). Oh God/dess, the sun is back, my lover has not deserted me forever. I cannot express the intensity of my relief at feeling spring finally open up for me. Spring and summer is such magic for me... every year I get to the end of winter and wonder how I survived for months without green I can taste and heat that fills my bones and sunlight that actually touches me and breezes that sneak under the heat to lick my skin. OH GOD/DESS SUMMER IS COMING I can live again. I want to bury my fingers in warm soil and burn myself with sun-kisses and stream with heat-lust and breathe in the sex of trees. Oh my God. I love Georgian summers maybe more than I've ever loved a person. I can live without an individual person but I really think I would wither and die without these summers.

Ash is spilling over sexual/romantic energy on me )

I buzzed my hair which has had a strange affect on my self-image )

feeling like a bore )

specialness from my birthday )

Kate and Kay sent me AMAZING MULTI-PRESENTS )

I am sheerly spoilt with amazing friends! I loooove you!
sounds: Metric - Help I'm Alive | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , , , , , , , , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
sexual attraction to unavailable person / first date with someone I didn't know
There's this one person I know that I'm pretty unbearably attracted to, omfg. I've never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone. It's like an ethereal connection (spirit, soul, heart) in strength and meaning, but it's a body connection. We thrive on touch in similar ways. and oh God/dess, last time I saw zir we ended up alone by accident (two people went off to the bathroom) and I thought "oh shit, I meant to avoid this!" and then ze made eye contact with me and I could feel the pull like a magnet. I looked away in a hurry just as ze asked "what are you thinking?" and I shook my head and said, "I just had a thought that I'm not going to share." Because what went through my mind (in VIVID pictures) was a very visceral desire to climb on top of zir and kiss and fuck (or at least dry hump), right then and there. (and if ze were single I could see zir going right along with that) WHY must I feel this way about a MONOGAMOUS person, dammit! And I wonder if I'd feel this so strongly if ze WERE available, or if part of it is the 'safety' of passion that cannot burn freely through me. (if that is part of it I imagine it's a small part, because I'm pretty fiercely attracted to Ben and there's not much limitation there)

And to change the topic to actually-available interesting people, I had my first date-with-a-stranger last week )
sounds: Sergei Prokofiev - Morning serenade (with mandolins) | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
sexual attraction to unavailable person / first date with someone I didn't know
There's this one person I know that I'm pretty unbearably attracted to, omfg. I've never felt such a strong physical attraction to someone. It's like an ethereal connection (spirit, soul, heart) in strength and meaning, but it's a body connection. We thrive on touch in similar ways. and oh God/dess, last time I saw zir we ended up alone by accident (two people went off to the bathroom) and I thought "oh shit, I meant to avoid this!" and then ze made eye contact with me and I could feel the pull like a magnet. I looked away in a hurry just as ze asked "what are you thinking?" and I shook my head and said, "I just had a thought that I'm not going to share." Because what went through my mind (in VIVID pictures) was a very visceral desire to climb on top of zir and kiss and fuck (or at least dry hump), right then and there. (and if ze were single I could see zir going right along with that) WHY must I feel this way about a MONOGAMOUS person, dammit! And I wonder if I'd feel this so strongly if ze WERE available, or if part of it is the 'safety' of passion that cannot burn freely through me. (if that is part of it I imagine it's a small part, because I'm pretty fiercely attracted to Ben and there's not much limitation there)

And to change the topic to actually-available interesting people, I had my first date-with-a-stranger last week )
sounds: Sergei Prokofiev - Morning serenade (with mandolins) | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
why not? (friends with benefits meme)
copying a (slightly edited) meme going 'round my flist:

There's at least 1 person on your flist that wants to date you or sleep with you. So, let's play Friends With Benefits! (cue ominous music) Assuming you are otherwise available:

* If you want to date the person who posts this -- for this purpose, meaning "be in a relationship with them" -- post a comment saying "I'm yours."

*If you just want to sleep with the person and stay friends, post a comment that says "I'd do you."

* If you're not sure what you want to do; but would be open to a potential making out session to further decide based upon "making out" input [we're talking kissing, heated and passionate, but without *sex* being the end goal - in other words, clothing stays on], post a comment saying "let's experiment."

All responses will be screened. No one will ever know. Except you. And me.
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)
why not? (friends with benefits meme)
copying a (slightly edited) meme going 'round my flist:

There's at least 1 person on your flist that wants to date you or sleep with you. So, let's play Friends With Benefits! (cue ominous music) Assuming you are otherwise available:

* If you want to date the person who posts this -- for this purpose, meaning "be in a relationship with them" -- post a comment saying "I'm yours."

*If you just want to sleep with the person and stay friends, post a comment that says "I'd do you."

* If you're not sure what you want to do; but would be open to a potential making out session to further decide based upon "making out" input [we're talking kissing, heated and passionate, but without *sex* being the end goal - in other words, clothing stays on], post a comment saying "let's experiment."

All responses will be screened. No one will ever know. Except you. And me.
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)

Last night I dreamed of a short kiss with Ben, and just that dream-memory-moment has set me on fire all day long. Just the fleeting thought of kissing zir is enough to send shivers down my spine and make my belly tighten with a jolt. Oh my God. I'm breathing desire every moment (waking OR sleeping) and my whole body is craving zirs. I'm so hungry -- and the more I taste the more I want.
sounds: My Brightest Diamond - Dragonfly | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (concupiscent)

Last night I dreamed of a short kiss with Ben, and just that dream-memory-moment has set me on fire all day long. Just the fleeting thought of kissing zir is enough to send shivers down my spine and make my belly tighten with a jolt. Oh my God. I'm breathing desire every moment (waking OR sleeping) and my whole body is craving zirs. I'm so hungry -- and the more I taste the more I want.
sounds: My Brightest Diamond - Dragonfly | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (pensive)
dream (Viv chooses me) / I trust Viv instinctually, completely / Viv is ready for romance with me?
Last week I dreamed that all of these people wanted to date Viv and I was like, "Augh! I missed my chance!" But then dream-Viv said, "If I'm going to date anyone, it'll be Bel." and both dream-me and after-waking-me were happy about that.

Tonight we hung out for a while and talked -- and you know, I trust Viv on a level I've never trusted anyone else. I mean, not necessarily in a conscious sense, because consciously I know that anyone in such a period of transition (not referring to physical changes) is not going to be the most stable and dependable person, but on a spiritual/emotional level, I trust zir totally. Ze's just... I really don't have words for it. I'd be comfortable crying and letting zir comfort me -- while I could bring myself do that with most people, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. (I'd be ALMOST comfortable with several others, but it would still take a bit of convincing) I don't know why that is -- I just feel safe, understood. And I'm pretty sure it's mutual.

So we talked a while -- ze opened up to me about zir upbringing and style-of-loving (quality time and physical touch, which are MY FAVS TOO YAY!!!) and some other things. And I shared something that has been... formulating in my mind, major life change which I haven't talked about here yet... it's hard to find the words but somehow it tumbles out in person.

Then we went in to cuddle and listen to music (ohhh how I love listening to music with someone who LISTENS (and has similar enough taste to be entranced by Noe Venable ♥) and it's lovely to learn little bits of music theory too). aaaaand ze said that ze feels open/ready to being romantic with me. !!!!!!!!!!!! )
sounds: Lenka - Like A Song | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (pensive)
dream (Viv chooses me) / I trust Viv instinctually, completely / Viv is ready for romance with me?
Last week I dreamed that all of these people wanted to date Viv and I was like, "Augh! I missed my chance!" But then dream-Viv said, "If I'm going to date anyone, it'll be Bel." and both dream-me and after-waking-me were happy about that.

Tonight we hung out for a while and talked -- and you know, I trust Viv on a level I've never trusted anyone else. I mean, not necessarily in a conscious sense, because consciously I know that anyone in such a period of transition (not referring to physical changes) is not going to be the most stable and dependable person, but on a spiritual/emotional level, I trust zir totally. Ze's just... I really don't have words for it. I'd be comfortable crying and letting zir comfort me -- while I could bring myself do that with most people, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. (I'd be ALMOST comfortable with several others, but it would still take a bit of convincing) I don't know why that is -- I just feel safe, understood. And I'm pretty sure it's mutual.

So we talked a while -- ze opened up to me about zir upbringing and style-of-loving (quality time and physical touch, which are MY FAVS TOO YAY!!!) and some other things. And I shared something that has been... formulating in my mind, major life change which I haven't talked about here yet... it's hard to find the words but somehow it tumbles out in person.

Then we went in to cuddle and listen to music (ohhh how I love listening to music with someone who LISTENS (and has similar enough taste to be entranced by Noe Venable ♥) and it's lovely to learn little bits of music theory too). aaaaand ze said that ze feels open/ready to being romantic with me. !!!!!!!!!!!! )
sounds: Lenka - Like A Song | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , , ,


back to top

belenen: (bel is in love with aurilion)
poem: "One Flow"
for Aurilion )
sounds: Shpongle - Shpongle Spores | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (bel is in love with aurilion)
poem: "One Flow"
for Aurilion )
sounds: Shpongle - Shpongle Spores | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

belenen: (bel is in love with aurilion)
poem: "One Flow"
for Aurilion )
sounds: Shpongle - Shpongle Spores | Powered by Last.fm
connecting: , ,


back to top

Tags


Tags